ACoAs – What to RECEIVE, or NOT
23 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in mental health, recovery, ACoAs, Psychotherapy, Problem-Solving, coaching, self-help, self growth, alcoholism, al-anon Tags: narcissists, acoa recovery, healthy people, what to take in, what to receive, inner space, codependents
I CAN TAKE IN GOOD THINGS -
& I decide what they are or are not
Previous: Not allowed to receive (Part 2)
Reminder: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
WHAT TO TAKE from others – or NOT
ACoAs have a tendency to do everything in extremes, black & white, no room for fitting an action or emotion to the current situation. This applies to the issue of ‘receiving’. Because we think that taking anything is a form of manipulation, we don’t want to seem greedy or taking advantage of others. So, as with all mental health, we need a balance
START from the assumption that if someone offers, they have the ability & the willingness. Take it at face value. The exception is if you already know that the person is sneaky, manipulative or will use it against you – based on you experience with them. Keep saying: “I know what I know”!
YES, people give out of their own inner space
– healthy ones only offer what they legitimately have, can & want to do
– codependents usually give others what they want for themselves but aren’t allowed to have. They want to fix you (whether you need it or not) so you’ll be well enough to take care of them in return, hoping you’ll intuitively know to do that
– narcissists only extend what they like to do or give, having nothing to do with us. If their offer doesn’t suit you, say not thanks & don’t give it a second thought. If it does suit, don’t agonize & wonder why they’re doing it & what you have to do in return – just take it & smile. AND – they do love to be appreciated & fawned over!
Say NO to anything that is :
• harmful / abusive • something we don’t want, ever • mentally boring
• useless & a waste of our time • not what we need at the moment
• doesn’t suit our personality, is not our taste • not our right to have
• something we’ve outgrown • against our principles & spiritual beliefs
These all require that we know enough about ourselves & our rights – to make the best choices. In some cases it also depends on who is offering us something & why. If the giver is a relative, a boss or important client, taking the gift may be the kindest, or wisest thing to do, regardless of our taste. We can always pass it on to someone else. But if it’s close family or friends who are supposed to know who we are – & they insist on giving us things that are clearly not appropriate or suited to us – then it’s legitimate to say “No thank you!”
Exp: Paula & Sharon were BFFs who lived in adjacent buildings & spent a lot of time in each others place. Paula was ‘earthy’ & preferred antiques, while Sharon like everything bright, shiny & new. For their B/days (one day apart) they exchanged lovely gift BUT Paula always gave Sharon things that were her taste & totally NOT Paula’s. After a few years of this Paula finally spoke up, asking to be considered correctly. The following gift again did not fit with what Paula wore or her decor, so with regret, she gave the gift back!
PS. Years later Paula developed another close friendship, also with an ACoA, who admitted to not knowing how to give appropriate gifts. They solved it by exchanging a short list of what each would like, to choose from. It worked great.
Say YES to:
– kindness, respect, positive attention, appreciation…
– complements about anything – our looks, accomplishments, skills, knowledge, talents…
– freely given generosity – of money, help, provisions, short-term free services, lending something you need….
– offers of aid when you most need it
– to new ideas, suggestion, other people’s experiences that we can learn from & benefit
REMINDER: Rejecting someone’s good-faith offers of their time, kind words, connection or small objects is a way to dismiss the person as unimportant & can sometimes hurt their feelings. It implies that what they are or have isn’t good enough for you.
Exp: In early Recovery Sean was reminded to be appreciative whenever he was complemented, rather than negate it by explaining at length why he didn’t deserve the acknowledgement. The sponsor said: “It’s insulting to the other person, who is giving you a gift, by throwing it back in their face. Just say ‘thank you’ & then zip the lip.”
He remembers thinking: “OK, I’ll just say thank you, but privately I don’t have to agree with the compliment!” Oh well, Progress – not Perfection! Eventually he was able to appreciate genuine praise.
REALITY: Accepting honest kindness, respect & generosity from others is a way to say you value them. They are some of the gifts we can give back.
NEXT: ACoAs – Putting things off (Part 1)
ACoAs – NOT allowed to RECEIVE (Part 3)
20 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in mental health, recovery, ACoAs, Psychotherapy, Problem-Solving, coaching, self-help, self growth, alcoholism, al-anon Tags: toxic rules, acoa recovery, manipulate others, self-sabotage, law of scarcity, small talk
NOTHING IS FREE!
I know I’m going have to pay a high price!
Previous: Not allowed to Receive
Reminder: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
WHY ACoAs can’t TAKE in anything positive
1. ABOUT US (our assumptions) – Part 1 & 2
2. ABOUT OTHERS
• ACoAs project onto others all the overt & covert experiences we had with our dysfunctional parents (see list of assumptions in Part 1). Since they were depressed, incompetent, careless, demanding, controlling, violent, crazy or absent – we unconsciously assume everyone else in the whole world is like that too – even tho as adult we have definitely seen, heard of or met capable, functional people. Emotionally, we simply ignore this knowledge & automatically react to everyone as if they’re a carbon copy our family.
a. Actually, any people we run across will not be like our family, yet we treat everyone the same. Such people will be confused by the way we act & react to them. They inwardly just shake their heads & stay away!
b. More commonly, because ACoAs are talented at sniffing out people who indeed are similar to our background – we feel pulled to them, drawn in by their familiar dysfunctonality. All the while wanting, expecting, even demanding to have a different kind of interaction with them – better, more satisfying!
• We try to create a different outcome because we think it was somehow our fault that family relationships didn’t work out – & therefore we can change it, fix it, even if it has to be with substitutes! This is clearly impossible, but we keep trying – until we ‘get it’ that we didn’t cause the original problems and that we’re powerless to change others.
Therefore WE BELIEVE THAT:
a. On the one hand:
• because of the alcoholic Law of Scarcity, everyone is hiding the ‘truth’ that there’s not enough to go around (their glass is half-full or less), so they have nothing to spare – for us. We can’t expect anything, so why bother asking —
• therefore, everyone is as needy as we (secretly) are, so they’re always going to want too much from us – more than we can possibly give. If we let our guard down even a little by engaging in any kind of exchange, they’ll suck us dry
• no one is naturally generous & therefore no one gives freely – everyone has an ulterior motive – to use us for their benefit only. When people volunteer anything that seems good, we have to be on guard & figure out why they’re offering, or what they really want
• no one is safe or trustworthy. Better to not take anything so we don’t have to give anything back. To give even a little is to lose everything (ourselves)
• we can’t accept any favors, because we won’t be able to reciprocate sufficiently & then we’ll be punished for not providing exactly what they need or want (by reading their mind), just like in our family. Better to not let ourselves be vulnerable, & keep everyone at arm’s length
REALITY: Most people do not want your first-born child. They do want at least a modicum of acknowledgment, respect & pleasantness. Most will definitely appreciate a hello, a thank you, a smile, maybe some light conversation. ACoAs would do well to allow ourselves to develop small talk, a legitimate social lubricant, as it’s not appropriate to always lay a heavy trip on everyone we meet! Save that for your journal, therapy, BFFs & Program. But it’s also not ‘normal’ to have nothing to say.
b. On the other hand:
• In order to stay alive (since we feel so worthless or evil that we should be dead) we have to do, be & give whatever others want of us. That’s the only way we can get anything for ourselves – but indirectly.
Then how DO we get any of our needs met? Remember, our needs are legitimate, but how we deal with them is often harmful. WE:
i. Manipulate others
– control, bully, out-smart, out-think everyone around us
– use sexual attraction, great salesmanship & charm
– OR be so weak & needy that others feel sorry for us
• Since we’re not allowed to ask for anything outright (god forbid!), most ACoAs trudge thru life in long-suffering limbo — desperately hoping someone will figure out what we want or need & give us a crumb or two. CODA points out that we stay in bad relationships because of the scraps of attention unhealthy people throw us – just enough to keep us hooked. So when we finally do leave – we have ‘crumb withdrawal’!
For exp: Many of us are afraid to initiate conversation, sexual activity, physical contact, playfulness, gathering information (asking about another’s life)…. because we were taught it would be impolite, invasive, presumptuous & insensitive – leaving us forever at the mercy of whoever we’re with!
ii. Self-Sabotage – which is our WIC playing a sneaky self-destructive life-game with the PP : “I know I’m not supposed to have anything, but I still have needs (my bad), so I’ll make a sideways effort get a little something, but it’ll all be harmful so it won’t really count. With one hand I’ll be defying you, while obeying you with the other.”
• To play this game, we unconsciously make sure that most of what we pursue & stick with follow the Toxic Rules, by –
– not actually fulfilling our fundamental, long neglected needs & rights
– choosing substances, types of people, careers or locations… that ultimately damage us. Our choices may seem exciting for a while, because they’re illicit, but their destructive qualities insure that we are being punished for even trying to take care of ourselves, however poorly.
For exp: Staying with harmful, selfish or ineffectual people who drain us, make us feel worthless, prolonging our sense of isolation & hopelessness
NEXT: ACoAs – What to receive or not
ACoAs – NOT allowed to RECEIVE (Part 2)
17 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help Tags: alcoholic law of scarcuty, project onto others, scarcity, selfish to take
TO HAVE OR NOT TO HAVE -
I need, yet have to deny it!
Previous: Can’t Receive – About US (Part 1)
1. ABOUT US (cont.)
Mis-information: There are still people in our culture who insist (from ignorance, denial or control) that “The past is over & done with & has nothing to do with now – let it go & get on with your life”! Unfortunately those of us who experienced abuse & trauma as kids have a toxic programming deep in our bones (our thoughts, emotions & spirit). So, if we were conditioned to be unworthy of receiving we can’t properly nourish ourselves. To let go, we have to heal first. That takes courage & time.
This chart (& the expanded version) shows the tragically common life cycle of wounded people without Recovery, from birth to death: 
Adverse childhood experiences, leads to –
➺ Social, cognitive & emotional impairment
➺ Adapting health-risk behaviors
➺ Disease, disability & social problems
➺ Early death
• While many wounded people manage to carve out a life without emotional healing, they can only manage by using rigid defense mechanisms to hold their world together (narcissism, bullying, rescuing, controlling, illness, isolation, addictions, cutting off all emotions…). If they ever do begin a Recovery process, all the pain hidden under these defenses surfaces, & causes an avalanche of anxiety, confusion & rage.
• In A.A. the general wisdom, based on over 50 years experience, is that it takes a newly sober alcoholic the first 5 yrs in the Program just to get their brains out of hock. Then they can start developing a life!
NEGLECT - another form of Abandonment :
• After visiting the Empire State building a loving mother asked her little girl: “So, did you like it?” – twice. An ACoA listening recalls that in a similar situation, her parents were totally focused on their own interest: “Wow, that’s some view!” but never actually included the kids.
• This is a rather subtle example of the many ways we were ‘told’ we didn’t count, weren’t seen, had no right to an opinion. And beyond that, we were shown or told outright that we shouldn’t ask for what we needed, much less wanted. When we did ask, we were ignored, punished or flat-out told nothing was wrong with us – anything from being hungry to having a broken arm – the message was clear that we were too much of a bother, only to be tolerated – but never helped.
• Dickens’ Oliver Twist was one of many starving orphans forced to labor in a 1830‘s London workhouse. One day he held out his bowl & begged: “Please Sir, I want some more” (watery porridge), which started a riot – but got him no seconds.
• Whether ACoAs were deprived of food or not, & some of us were, we were certainly starved in a wide variety of PMES ways. Abused kids find their own individual way to cope with years of deprivation – denial & repression being an inevitable result. This leaves us acting out the neglect either by being overtly needy & grasping, or ‘above it all’ – suppressing how much we still long for the impossible, for the care they couldn’t give.
Wanting more is not just about having things. It’s about wanting normal human need like love, safety, attention, kindness, the right information, respect, nurturing ….which we didn’t receive growing up. Many of us concluded that our main character defect – is our need for love (a misuse of 12-Step Program’s 4th Step). After all these years, how foolish to still want something we believe we don’t deserve! Right?
Re. ASKING: Because we’re not allowed to receive needs & wants –
– ACoAs are so afraid to ‘blatantly’ ask, since we’re sure it’s inevitable that we’ll get a NO. We then translate that into meaning that we’ll never get that specific need met, nor any other. The pain would be too great, so let’s not even go there
– AND – we insist that if we have to ask for something – that what was
given was not done freely, so receiving it doesn’t count, has no meaning or value! Others are supposed to magically know & provide (read our mind).
• This assumption and demand comes from the WIC, but specifically from our pre-verbal infant ego state. The wish is an echo of a time when we couldn’t talk yet & did need mother to automatically know & provide for us – but in our case didn’t!
Adult REALITY: Adults are supposed to ask for things. It doesn’t mean we definitely get everything we want, or at the time we want. But it also does not mean we are destined to always be deprived. Delay is OK. God definitely answers prayer – with a Yes, No, or Wait. We have a right to ask & receive!
BACKLASH: Most ACoAs believe that if we ever got the good things we long for – we would be SOOO happy (right away) & all our problems would vanish. It’s true that over time being with healthier people, pursuing our dreams, being loved… is healing, but not always right away!
✶ We need to keep in mind that when we first start receiving these benefits of Recovery, we may actually feel worse – for a while! This seems counter-intuitive, until we understand what’s at work, & can prepare ourselves to manage the discomfort, until it fades.
• Moving toward positive things in our life – going on a vacation, going into Recovery / therapy, finding a loving friend or mate, getting compliments & validation …. can produce internal backlash. Of course there may also be some from other people (bosses, friends, family, spouse, even adult-children) BUT from inside???
• That’s unexpected. Nothing seems to be the problem, yet we think we’ve done something wrong because:
– we feel depressed, fearful, unsettled…. so normal, we don’t make the connection
– we may feel angry at the person who has been helpful, complimentary, loving ….
– we may get sick or accidentally injure ourselves
– the PP’s voice will get louder “Who do you think you are…” etc.
• Actually, the pain comes from:
– thinking we’re disloyal to our parents, even tho they were neglectful & cruel, because the WIC thinks they were right! so we feeling unworthy
– breaking deep-seated Toxic Rules, which creates guilt, fear, shame
– the contrast with all that we’ve suffered as kids & since then – at the hands of family, teachers, mates….. sometimes even healers
– rage at being duped by our ‘disease’, when we “Could’a had a – V8” (Love) all this time!
SOLUTION:
Knowledge – Once we understand what’s at work we can prepare ourselves to manage the discomfort
Acceptance – Don’t fight the backlash & don’t go into S-H. If you experience some of these internal reactions, remember they are temporary.
Nurturing – Be kind to yourself, hold & talk to the WIC. Stand up to the PP voice & ride out the discomfort. With persistence & the help of a good support system, these reactions will die off, & you’ll be left with the benefits of whatever good things have come into your life! DON’T GIVE UP or retreat for LOVE!
NEXT: Part 3 – Not Allowed to Receive – Re. OTHERS
ACoAs – NOT allowed to RECEIVE (Part 1)
13 Feb 2012 2 Comments
in ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help Tags: acoa recovery, can't take in, double bind, hero role, not able to receive, oliver twist, scarcity, wanting more
NO, THAT’S OK -
I don’t need anything!
Previous: Healthy Control
Review post: Abandonment Pain, Now
Healthy Reciprocity
• Being able to receive is as normal a part of life as giving. It’s ultimately an exchange of energy, which we all need & have a right to, like trees exchanging carbon dioxide for oxygen. Both parties benefit.
Reciprocity is not just about the things that are exchanged, which may or may not have value in themselves, but is a linking mechanism used as social capital (something we spend / expend) in order to bond with others – to create trust, affection & solidarity
• Of course, being able to participate in exchanges of any kind depends on trusting oneself & whoever one is dealing with. When there is too much uncertainly, exchanges are not possible, as one or both parties will tend to hold on to all their ‘valuables’ – time, money, affection, info, confidences…. As a result of chaos, uncertainty & lack of trust generated by our family, ACoAs have great difficulty with reciprocity, having been programmed to give, but not allowed to be given to!
Abandonment – with the focus being so completely on the addicts & narcissists in our family, we were left out of the loop of information (Ts), nurturing (Es) & protection (As) that any healthy parent would have provided. Our training to not-be-given-to goes so deep that even the thought of someone legitimately treating us well can cause a panic attack, especially if we grew up in the Hero Role. It actually feels dangerous, terrifying & physically painful!
Exp: A successful business man found out (by some careful questioning) that over the past 10 years he had employed 3 different assistants who were ACoAs. One of them, Jane, was not only efficient at work but had consistently gone above & beyond her duties to ‘take care’ of her boss.
• This CEO wanted to show Jane his appreciation in addition to the usually expected business ‘gifts’, & asked her what he could do for her. She was adamant that he should do nothing more. He was puzzled & insisted she receive some additional compensation, such as an all expense paid vacation or free school tuition. She began to shake & cry, insisting she could not possible take anything more. Her reaction was so intense that he finally backed off, shaking his head in dismay.
WHY ACoAs can’t TAKE in anything positive
1. ABOUT US (our assumptions)
Co-Dependence – because of the ACoA rule ‘Other people needs are always more important than mine’, we have to keep on giving to everyone else, without ever considering our own requirements & desires
Failure – “ACoAs are human doing, rather than human beings”. The focus was always on what we did wrong – on actions, not personal value. And since we never seemed to do anything well, right or good enough – we haven’t ‘earned’ being treated well, receiving respect & consideration, much less love
Loyalty – to stay connected to the family system – not feel rejected, abandoned, alone, even as adults – we unconsciously decided that it’s NOT ok to have more than our family – at any category. That way we can all continue suffering together (“Misery loves company”)
Scarcity – based on real experiences, we concluded that the universe has very limited resources, so to get anything for ourselves automatically diminishes someone else – usually a parent or sibling.
Selfishness – to ask for more is not just futile, it’s presumptuous & arrogant. Many of us were taught that wanting for yourself is a sin.
Self-Hate – it’s not hard to see then why we gathered that we aren’t worthy of being given to! Not only because we’re bad, unlovable, selfish, greedy – “Children should be seen & not heard” – but that we haven’t ‘earned’ it, in some mysterious way! “ACoAs are human doing, rather than human beings”
Suffering is the rule of the (alcoholic) universe: ”Life is hard!” and “You’re always supposed to struggle, but never ‘get there’”. So – don’t bother trying
Payback – If we DO take anything, we automatically feel obligated to that person or group. While reciprocity is a normal human expectation, ACoAs believe what we have to give back is our time, money, total attention…. our very life blood! No wonder we’re reluctant!
Punishment – to try for more of anything could easily get us deliberately ignored, a slap, a disgusted look, being humiliated in public or an abusive tirade. Some of us had to ask over & over for anything, even basics, before they reluctantly gave in
DOUBLE BIND:
a. We don’t want to take care of others, hate having to give & give, especially to angry & selfish people. We’re trapped in a debilitating conflict: If we disobey the Rules, we feel terrible guilt, but if we give in, we hate ourselves & the people we ‘help’. Tortured either way.
b. BUT – we’ve been brainwashed to believe we have no other choice but to provide whatever someone asks for. We obey the family rules – it’s the only way we can be tolerated.
• ACoAs handle the expectations, demands or whines of others BY:
– Most commonly: a knee-jerk reaction to comply – before we can take a breath we’re fixing, doing, comforting – giving, giving, giving!
– For some of us: the only option is to be almost totally withholding – as the only way to not get sucked in.
✶ Either way, it leaves NO room for us to RECEIVE!
NEXT: Can’t Receive – Re. Others (Part 2)
Healthy Control
09 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
in ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help Tags: acoa recovery, healthy adult, healthy control, in charge of emotions, loving parent, Self-Control, self-discipline
WHAT I BELIEVE
guides what I do!
Previous: Letting go of Acting C.
REMINDER: Go to Acronym PAGE for abbrev.
Self-Control 101 (Normal)
Events or Thoughts —> lead to —> Emotions
Emotions ——-> lead to ——> Beliefs
Beliefs ——-> lead to ——> Decisions
Decisions ——-> lead to ——> Actions
Actions —> lead to —> Rewards or Consequences
“To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves” ~ Virginia Woolf
Purpose of Self-Control (SC)
To gain a present reward or a delayed gratification, OR to delay, reduce or eliminate punishment
Location
“Researchers are working on identifying the brain areas involved in the exertion of self-control & many different areas are known to be involved.” Scans show that SC correlates with “an area in the dorsal fronto-median cortex in the frontal lobe… distinct from those involved in generating intentional actions, attention to intentions, or selecting between alternatives. This control occurs through the top-down inhibition of premotor cortex.” (Read more….@ Wikipedia)
ASPECTS & FUNCTIONS
Self-control may be defined as being in charge of our own actions & is quite complex. This take the form of staying awake & being in the present, regulating our thoughts, dealing with our emotions, setting goal & following thru, & making responsible choices.
As adults, we’re held responsible for our thoughts, emotions & actions (TEA) to the extent that these can be under our self-control, which is not always possible. HOWEVER, SC is very hard to maintain if we’re in the wrong environment, where others are not willing to govern themselves.
• People are born with varying degrees of tolerance for routine vs. change, patience vs boredom… BUT, unlike physiological traits, SC can definitely be considered a learned skill to the degree that it’s developed through education & social interaction & conditioning
• SC becomes self-discipline when we has to apply intentional effort.
• When it’s practiced habitually for some time, it becomes a personality or character trait.
• SC is an important part of a cluster of internal resources (character, courage, faith, purpose, endurance) which – when tested by constant pressure or long-term deprivation – doesn’t disappear
• It becomes a way of thinking because of the cognitive processes and mental discipline needed to use SC
• SC requires motivation. In certain situations, such as a special celebration or artificial psych experiment, we may decide to briefly give up self-control for the occasion (see previous posts)
• SC becomes a virtue when we resists temptation in order to achieve a desired goal, & can be considered a spiritual gift when it’s the result of spiritual transformation (Read More….)
Improving SC
Based on many studies, including Fujita (2008), correcting our thinking (eliminating CDs) can enhance the ability to be in charge of ourselves, to maintain our focus and achieve greater self-discipline. It is necessary to step back & always take a mental OVER-VIEW:
• Pay more attention to the forest instead of focusing on individual trees – consider the ultimate goal or big picture of every situation
• Look at how our actions fit into an overall framework, as being part of a larger plan or purpose, NOT just a specific instance or action, and not just staring at a detail in front of us, getting lost in something that bothers us or that may be out-of-place.
Exp:
When clients are asked what they think the reason for something is, like a) “What is the purpose of Guilt?” or b) “What is the definition of Self-Hate” — they inevitably answer by giving an example, such as a) “Feeling bad about something or b) “Being hard on oneself” — rather than it’s meaning, or what it’s meant for
Problem:
• An instance of an issue is not its purpose or definition, so it is faulty thinking, AND
➼ only focusing on a specific exp. prevents us from being able to apply the concept to a wide variety of life situations – thus limiting our ability to understand what causes our actions & to be in charge of them.
Suggestion: Think of a Definition or Purpose as the large category ANIMAL (the Kingdom), rather than just one of its many examples – cat, horse, bird, elephant….(the Species)
ACoAs Being IN CONTROL:
• comes from the ‘Unit’ ego state: Healthy Adult + Loving Parent
• requires a lowered level of anxiety, to not have to hide our True Self
• is based on a healthy ego, to make choices that suit us
• allows us to know what our needs and, permission to get them met, AND find ways to meet as many of our needs as possible, under the realistic circumstances of our specific lives
• is being in charge of our emotions, as well as – when, where & how we express them
• is taking responsibility for our life choices, without self-hate
• requires that our childhood rage level goes down enough so we don’t take our hurt & revenge out on others
• is built on having good boundaries, both in how we treat others & how we ‘let’ others treat us
✶ Just because we start out as under-dogs, doesn’t mean we can’t WIN – over our damage, over our pain, over others trying to control us! Being in charge of ourselves – empowered – can be every ACoA’s goal.
NEXT: ACoAs – NOT allowed to Receive (Part 1)
Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 3)
06 Feb 2012 2 Comments
in ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help Tags: acceptance, acoa recovery, awareness, daily exercise, Daniel A Miller, letting go of controlling
THE MORE I LET GO,
the more power I have!
Previous: Letting Go of Controlling (Part 2)
MAKING CHANGES – “What we disown – we can’t change”.
Remember: You are not responsible to make changes or correct problems which are beyond your competency, power, authority or responsibility – and that ARE the responsibility of another!
Practice: Consider the following points & write out as much as you can. Do a little for each point, then go back every few days & add more
EXTERNALLY
STAY AWAKE for ways you act C.:
– When it happens — How it shows up in your actions
– What sets it off — Who it effected
– How does it affect them – How do they react to you
– How does that make you feel?
• If needed, get trusted healers & friends, mates & your adult-children to make suggestions from their experiences with you. Try not to be defensive. Just write them down & look at them later.
✶ NOTE the examples that crop up over & over, especially if mentioned by several people.
INTERNALLY
Acknowledge that you are controlling, & identify the causes (see ‘Controlling & Abandonment’ posts). Consider which causes:
• you’ve already been working on
• you are willing to tackle, & what you can do to change how you act
• you have to put on the shelf until you’re more healed
Make a list of:
• all your unmet needs & work toward filling them
• develop &/or hone your talents & get recognized for them
• gradually feel the backlog of old pain that causes your anxiety
• learn the difference between assertiveness & aggression, rage vs anger, humility vs humiliation, controlling vs in control, rescuing vs helping, possible vs impossible, connection vs symbiosis ….
Practice asking for your legitimate needs & desired from others, without demanding or having unrealistic expectations. Know who can meet specific needs & who cannot – or to what degree!
The 3 As & T.E.A.
AWARENESS: Identify your unhealthy attitudes (Ts) towards situations, unrealistic expectations of others & beliefs about how life should be.
Also, life areas that are affected (work, home…) & which are more intense than others (more with spouse, less with friends…)
ACCEPTANCE: Then – write about the experiences growing up that fostered the need to Control, especially the emotions underlying that need (Es). Consider alternative & opposite attitudes & beliefs (Ts) you can use when life-stressors set off the impulse to C.
✶ Allow as much time as needed to make internal shifts. Acceptance is about staying in the process & not always trying to jump into Action
ACTION: List better ways (As) to behave when feeling the compulsion to be C. & try them out a little at a time. Learn how to communicate with your IC & do it consistently, to comfort & protect (Ts & Es)
Keep these new thoughts & action handy, & in a variety of locations so you can remind yourself (home, car, office, fridge, wallet or purse …)
Practice: Pick one thing you feel a definite need to control, and then DON’T make any effort what-so-ever to exert your will over the situation the next time around. Allow yourself to just watch the external experience unfold completely on its own, without any help from you. As you observe, notice you thoughts & emotions.
• You’ll feel shaky at first, as this will most likely bring up fear and anxiety from past trauma. HOLD onto to your WIC, & let it know it’s not in danger.
Use Bookending with the kid, to prove that most things turn out much better that we anticipate. In this case – observe how things turn out whenever you don’t C. & have little talks with the kid about it each time, so he/she learns that ‘the war is over & we can get out of the bunker’!
From “Losing Control, Finding Serenity” book by Daniel A. Miller
Daily Exercise:
• With respect to your children, listen attentively to them without offering advice. Recognize that they are different from you in the way they think and process things, and accept that your way may not be the right way—for them.
• In your love relationship, lower your expectations of your mate—and of yourself. Focus on what steps you can take to improve your love bond.
• With respect to your creative endeavors, focus on just enjoying the process. Don’t plan or think too much about the outcome. Don’t fret about making “mistakes.” Start a piece with the intention of not completing it, and see what unfolds.
✶ Even if you are only partially successful in doing these things, you will begin to discover that letting go of control brings you freedom & contentment! (Read more….)
NEXT: ACoAs – not allowed to RECEIVE
Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 2)
02 Feb 2012 1 Comment
in ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help Tags: acoa recovery, let go of controlling, negative benefits, negative discomfort, positive benefits, positive discomfort
NEED TO HEAL THE FEAR -
to stop controlling
Previous: Letting Go, Part 2
Revue : Negative Benefits, 2 posts
REMINDER: Use Acronyms Page for abbrev.
Practice: To help you identify the various layers of this issue, consider these 4 Qs. Write as much as you can about each. Put it away for a week or a month & then go back & read it. Share about the Qs in meetings, therapy & with friends. Add more thoughts as they surface.
NEGATIVE BENEFITS (-+) of being Controlling
Q: What do you personally get from holding on to this pattern?
• N.B. are patterns that keeps us attached to our damage, that feel familiar & safe – but stunt our growth. It’s the narcissistic grandiosity of the WIC, as well as the ‘entitlement’ attitude of many young people of the current generation, since it makes people temporarily feel powerful.
• When we’re in C. mode, we’re functioning from the underlying position that everything revolves us – good or bad. “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”! , “I should let you go” , “I don’t understand why you don’t (like what I like, think the way I do)….” . This lets us to feel important, to always be right, to get our way, to never be vulnerable, to be heard & paid attention to, to have an effect on the world…. many of the things we didn’t get as a kid – but don’t actually heal us since it keeps us totally dependent on others to provide them.
NEGATIVE DETRIMENTS (–)
Q: What are all the ways it hurts you & others?
• This may be hard to answer at first because Cs are not genuinely interested in others – their experience, their emotions, their needs… only their own. But we can think about the ways we felt when someone was controlling us: resentful, stifled, belittled, disrespected….
• Being C. limits our option – it keeps us from being in the flow of life. We don’t get to find out what wonderful things can happen if we stopped trying to force the world to conform to our narrow vision.
POSITIVE DISCOMFORT (+-)
Q: What are you afraid will happen if you stop controlling?
Changing a deeply ingrained pattern like C. can bring up a lot of anxiety, especially if we’ve built our whole persona on ‘running things’, like Heroes do. (However, the other Roles each control in their own specific ways).
• We think we’ll be in some kind of danger, mainly internal, but not the kind of physical danger that can come from standing up to a bully. More like feeling our old abandonment pain & letting go of cherished illusions.
Changing means giving up a way of experiencing ourselves we thought was our personality, but was another form of acting out our history – just the False Self.
• OR we’re afraid someone we love will be in danger. This may be somewhat realistic if we’re dealing with active addicts who are bent on self-destruction. Sadly, the Healthy thing to do is let them find their own way. We can present info & options for them to Recover, but they have to want it. Sometimes formal interventions work, but not always. And sometimes, no matter what we do, addicts die.
• BUT – most of the time, the world goes on just fine without our two-cents! As we grow we can more & more tolerate the discomfort of not interfering with the natural order of things, & eventually it gets easier.
POSITIVE BENEFITS (++)
Q: Why is it worth giving up?
• Taking responsibility for ourselves is the opposite of being C. Instead of wasting energy on manipulating others, we get to find out who WE really are – our talents, knowledge, gifts, experience… to take center stage in our own life & express our multifaceted Self.
• Even when we’ve achieved / earned a measure of success in the world, ACoAs often don’t own it or feel comfortable being valued & acknowledged. Being in-the-flow (not C.) allows us to enjoy our achievements & accolades.
• For anyone bent on Recovery -at all costs- the gain is in self-esteem, a genuine sense of freedom, & the ability to connect with healthy people who respect us & whom we can trust to be ok without our constant vigilance!
REALITY
✶ Most people have more resiliency, depth, strength and flexibility than they give themselves credit for. Trust yourself to handle all kinds of circumstances. Keep saying: “I know what I know”!
SO – catch yourself in the act of being C. & stop as soon as you can. Remind yourself of the benefits of changing & give your kid a big hug!
NEXT:Letting Go, Part 3
Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 1)
30 Jan 2012 7 Comments
in ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help Tags: acceptance, acoa recovery, awareness, bookending, let go of control, third chakra
I CAN GET MY NEEDS MET -
without arranging everything!
Previous: Acting Controlling (Part 2)
REMINDER: Use Acronyms Page for abbrev.
STOP Controlling
To change this dysfunctional pattern takes Willingness, Perseverance & Courage! We have to be ready to look at ourselves without intense judgement & S-H, or we’re not going to own the C. behaviors.
The OLD Way: Being C. is to function on the assumption that feeling safe in the world is totally up to us by arranging everything OUR way, all the time.
But, the very act of Controlling is a betrayal the True Self, so we keep shutting ourselves off from healing our wounds & loving connections with others, because of the fear & rage we carry from the WIC & PP.
Ironically, being a control freak never seems to include changing oneself! And, the Negative Introject will keep trying to deceive us, saying that the only way to proceed is to completely control every tiny detail of how and when things should happen, and/or others should act. It will continually torture our thoughts, making us believe we’re not good enough or doing it right, so the IT doesn’t lose its power over us
BOTTOM LINEs
• Being Controlling is NOT the same as having strong opinions. Rather, it’s a way to ‘force solutions’ by imposing our will on others
• C. (vs. to Being in Control) can be labeled a character defect, but it’s imperative we don’t berate ourselves for it
• It’s a form of grandiosity, a defense mechanism – defending against re-experiencing early vulnerability, powerlessness & daily neglect
• Being C. provides a temporary feeling of being powerful (not at the mercy of anyone!) but like all addictions, has to be constantly repeated, since it doesn’t heal the fear that’s underneath
• We likely learned our style of controlling from someone in our family
• Letting go of being C. can only be done in stages & never perfectly!
• As the WIC heals & we strengthen our ‘Unit’, the need for it will diminish in intensity, but may never completely go away. This has to be accepted – with healthy humility & self-respect (opposite of grandiosity)
• Lessening it requires self-esteem, boundaries, making better choices & letting love in – wherever it may come from!
Condensed from ‘Chakra Healing’: The THIRD CHAKRA
• The Solar Plexus or Personal Power Chakra (energy vortex #3) is located above the navel and below the sternum. It’s ruled by the Sun & emits a yellow light of optimism, renewal & happiness – when free-flowing. The seat of personal power & the will, it generates the mental strength to learn and use gathered information. It forms our sense of True Self, so when this Chakra is open and clear we feel good about ourselves & have the ability to accomplish whatever we set out to do.
• When the Chakra is blocked we’re not genuine & we mistrust others. The enemy of this chakra is shame & overbearing authority figures. It will quickly shut down when children grow up in an abusive, unsafe environment, with constant fear of punishment and age-INappropriate responsibilities. Children are stripped of their personal strength by a parent who is over-controlling, too fearful & full of shame. OR the chakra can be over-energized to the point of making a person too rigid, controlling and fearful. (Read more…..)
LETTING GO of Acting Controlling
There are many wise things to be said about ‘Letting Go’, but here are 2 main ones for ACoAs. To grow we need to –
1. Let go of trying to win our parents’ love – if they didn’t /don’t have the capacity, at all. OR not chasing them (or substitutes) for the KIND of nurturing every child needs but was simply not available to us because of their damage, even if they meant well & said they loved us.
2. Let go of the illusion that doing things perfectly will get us that love & approval. All it does is increase our self-hate & fear, because perfection is unattainable AND our family’s mental or emotional health is not – and was never was – in our power to create. People either can love us or not. We can not earn it!
A NEW Way: To be free of the compulsion to Control is to give up on the internal fight, to stop trying to manage everything, to stop trying to please the PP, & stay out of whatever is none of our business!
✶ This does NOT mean being lazy, withholding or paralyzed.
• Rather – it comes from knowing that even in times of discomfort our inner foundation is built on solid ground – a support system made up of our Loving Inner Parent, the Higher Power & respectful / kind people.
• Being comfortable in our skin means to allow OTHERS to be themselves, & letting many circumstances be – just as they are. There’s a time to act & a time to be still. This is what the Serenity Prayer is referring to: Change what we can right now, & Accept what we can’t change at all, what’s not yet possible, or is not yet the right time.
NEXT: Letting Go, Part 2
ACoAs Acting Controlling (Part 3)
26 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help Tags: acoa recovery, being a control freak, empathy vs control, love vs control, ways to manupulate
I’M NOT A CONTROL FREAK -
I just like things done right!
Previous: ACoAs Acting Controlling (Part 1)
Article: Recognizing a Manipulative Relationship
EMPATHY vs Control
Empathy is the ability to identify with another person’s emotions, to put ourselves in their place. This is possible only to the degree that we’re in touch with our own Es, while respecting the feelings, rights & needs of others as valid & separate from our own.
HOWEVER, some sensitives are too easily influenced by the Es of others because they don’t have strong boundaries AND have not yet healed enough of their own wounds. This is not useful empathy.
Controlling is when our needs, requirements, feelings…. infringe on the rights of others. If we let our needs step on someone’s boundaries, they’re are under no obligation to accommodate or empathize with us, because we are being disrespectful & inappropriate. (This also applies to ACoAs when we encounter a controller!) C. are not in touch with most of their own Es so cannot ‘understand’ the pain they cause others.
EXAMPLES of being a Control Freak:
Re. THEM
• Controllers (Cs) are not just opinionated – they always have to be right. They’re not willing to accept & cannot tolerate any differences or disagreements between themselves & others
• Cs are more likely to be moody (up & down), emotionally unpredictable. Because they’re unhappy with their own lives they think controlling others will improve their situation
• Cs use fear to keep others attached to them because of their FoA. If we’re fearful enough, we won’t want to venture out on our own. They tend to focus on negatives in the world – to keep us scared & under their thumb
• Cs may or may not have close friends. If they do it’s :
– usually with those who are needy, easily bullied, have poor self-esteem & weak boundaries, OR
– they treat ‘outside’ people better than family members, so they are considered ‘wonderful‘ by anyone who did not grow up with them
• Cs generally are not friends with anyone more attractive, intelligent or well-liked than themselves, & are more likely to be jealous & critical of popular, successful people.
• Cs can sense when they’re losing control, which can trigger psycho-somatic ailments such as headaches, back or stomach pains, fainting, hives…. They can re-gaining control of a situation or relationship by getting the attention, sympathy and concern of others
• NOTE: Cs are very manipulative, playing head games to hide this character defect. They can’t stand it when anyone stands up to them.
The stronger our personality, the harder Cs will work to tear us down. It’s imperative to their unhealthy ego to stay one-up.
✶ This is particularly true of severely narcissistic parents who will make every effort to destroy a strong-minded child so that he/she can not expose or defy the controller.
Re. YOU
• Cs play on our empathy to gain trust early in the friendship, like: telling us what a hard life they had – in great detail, but they can only trust telling us, because we’re different, special!
• Cs attempt to define our reality. They tell us what we like & want – or not – according to their tastes. We can say that we need to be lone & they insist on taking up our time… we save something & they throw it away, saying: ‘you don’t need that or it’s not important!’
• Cs remember all the sensitive info we give them about ourselves. They will seem sincere & caring at first, then bring it up and use it to subtly insult us until we agree with them: “Are you still crying about that? It was just a cat / a long time ago / not such a big deal…Right?”
• Cs will accuse us of causing someone else’s bad behavior which hurt us (being cheated on, yelled at, fired ….): “What did you do?”
• Cs often assume that they understand how we think & feel & are not shy about telling us, BUT they really don’t know! : “Your anger is bringing everyone down” when in fact we’re withdrawn because of feeling deep pain, shyness, confusion…! Also, they can get frustrated & abusive when we don’t act the way they picture us: “Do that in the morning when you’re fresh” said angrily by a morning-person mother to her night-person teen
• Cs don’t hear us when we say NO. They’re unwilling to respect any boundaries – ours or theirs
• Cs get frustrated & annoyed with normal question
• Cs will try to cause trouble between us and our family or friends
• Cs regularly expect us to change our plans to suit their schedule
• Cs make us wait for them – for a response, for decisions, for fulfilling plans or promises…. and they’re usually late, but always have what they think is a legitimate excuse
• Cs rarely give sincere compliments. They don’t want us to feel good about ourselves or take the attention away from them
• Cs can also use excessive generosity as a way to make us indebted to them, so we feel guilty if we don’t reciprocate (AND do what they want!)
NEXT: Letting go of Controlling (Part 1)
ACoAs Acting Controlling (Part 2)
24 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help Tags: genuine love, over-giving, real boundaries, security
LOOK AT ME!
See how important I am!
Previous: Acting controlling, Part 1
REMINDER: Use Acronyms Page for abbrev.
LOVE vs. Control
Genuine love is concerned with the welfare of others, especially the ones we have a personal connection to, while control is all about us – what we can get, how we can change someone, how we can feel better….
Expl: A woman married a genuinely good man, who allows her to be herself. She know he loves her but it doesn’t fe-e-el right – for the very reason that he’s not controlling, the way her family was. The connection between love & control was wired into her emotional brain during childhood & is the image of how relationships are supposed to be. Her WIC says “He doesn’t tell me what to do, so he must not care!” Fortunately her Adult self knows better.
Beliefs of people who use Emotional Power over others:
About Oneself
• My feelings come first. I need to convert everyone to my way
• I’ll always have to pay an emotional price if I open myself up to others, so I keep them at an arm’s length
• If I’m open to their point of view they’ll try to mislead me
• I have to make them see things my way or they’ll have an edge over me
• Because everyone is out to take advantage of everyone else (me), the best defense is a good offense
About Others
• Dump on them before they dump on you
• Take control of them before they take control of you
• If you keep them busy enough they’ll ignore you
• There’s only one way for people in your life to think & feel – your way
• It doesn’t matter how they feel or react, as long as you keep emotional control over them
P.M.E.S. WAYS to control / manipulate others
Physically : use intimidating or guilt-making body language (a fist, a pout), threaten harm or actively hurt someone
Mentally (negative communications): name-call, be critical & discouraging, use guilt, create unfair obligations ….
Emotionally : pull on someone’s heart stings (cry) or be volatile (rage) – to get one’s way or to punish; also emotional blackmail - threaten abandonment if someone doesn’t do what they want
Spiritually : promoting false visions, such as ‘the end of the world will be on X date’; false prophets & cult leaders, doomsday literature; also anything which diminishes the human spirit
MORE WAYS:
• Greedy – insist others provide us with things we need in the world, even if we know how to but are afraid to try, can’t ask for directly, don’t have permission …. OR we don’t know how to provide for ourselves and don’t want to learn, so we can be taken care of – finally!
• Manipulative – we try to coerce other people into becoming Good Parent substitutes, instead of developing our own ‘Unit’
• Over-giving – because you’re love-buying, compensating for being in a rage at them or for feeling unworthy unless you pay for love / respect
• Powerless – we may take advantage of someone who is needy or ‘easy’, to make up for being helpless as kids, & as adults, to feel one-up
• Rigid – have a hard time with negotiation & compromise, and they can’t stand imperfection
• Self-Pitying – constant whining about how your life is so hard, you can’t do anything right, people are unfair & mean – trying to force others to be with you in your misery (bring them down, so you have company)
• Sickly – sick, needy, playing dumb… to make people feel sorry for you
• Stubborn – mental & emotional walls used as a substitute for having real boundaries
• Superior – an over-inflated sense of your own importance, being detached & above everyone, being a know-it-all — makes others feel stupid, vulnerable, insecure & worthless
• Values – C. is sometimes justified by claiming it’s simply wanting to do things the right way, having high standards, being helpful & caring…
• Victim – constantly: asking to be approved of, saying you’re sorry, asking for permission to do anything… (makes people feel they have to take care of you)
NEXT: ACTING Controlling, Part 2
Recent Comments