Ego States – CHILD (Part 3)

 

MY ADAPTED CHILD PART 

became what it learned at home

PREVIOUS: Child E.S. (Part 2)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

NOTE: Our Natural C. (+FC) will show up whenever a person feels emotionally & physically safe, or in the right environment to relax &/or actively play. This ego state is easier for healthy people to access because they are generally less anxious, are allowed to have fun & their Healthy Adult is available to make sure the person is OK. At its best this ego state is seen as the goal of human relating & achievement of self-actualization: being free, uninhibited, joyful and exuberant.

ADAPTED Child* (+AC) – It is a normal & necessary aspect of all kids – the part that incorporates the lessons of our family, school, society & religion – molded in childhood, every day by every component of our early environment. It’s the part that absorbs & learns what is expected of us in our particular society, so we know who we are & how to survive.
The Adapted Child aspect learns how to behave under the influence of its family, in ways the parents would like it to – such as being obedient & precocious, or reserved & scholarly, or aggressive & vindictive….
For kids from functional homes, it’s formed around healthy rules & values, which eventually translates into well-adjusted, self-caring grown-ups.

‘Normal’ AC CHARACTERISTICS
FUNCTIONS: Adapt, Accommodate, Adjust, Conform, Fit in, Reconcile
- Emotions include feelings of guilt, anxiety and envy
- Can overcompensate and become aggressive or rebellious
- Contains the development of social skills and appropriate behavior
- Conforms to gender-specific messages and other norms
- Weak boundaries so gives in to unreasonable demands from others
- Houses the Toxic Roles – Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot
- Is over-controlled & can be controlling (copying the Introject)
- Tends to lack confidence. Not able or willing to accept responsibility

✶For ACoAs, the ADAPTED C. is our wounded part (WIC), programmed to follow the Toxic Rules. It becomes our False Self, which developed as the only way to cope in Childhood. Now it overshadows the True Self so we may not even know it’s there, & keeps us trapped in victim, people-pleaser, rebel, perpetrator, hero…. As long as the WIC runs our life – emotionally if not cognitively – its severely compromised view of people-places-things makes us distort the facts of most current situations. This prevents having access to a Healthy Adult, as well as denying the intuition & emotional intelligence of our Natural Child, which together would allow us to act prudently & appropriately, based on how things really are.

The WIC ACTING OUT
a. Negative ADAPTED (-AC): For everyone, the normal Child ego state includes some unpleasantness – having resistance, hostility or reactiveness – so a disobedient child, a rebellious teenager or someone with a personality disorder are acting from their -AC. Therefore we usually think of the inappropriate ‘rulership’ of the Child – running us in our grown-up life – as coming solely from the unhealthy Adapted E.S, driven to obey the Toxic Introject (PP). It’s most commonly seen in how poorly we take care of ourselves, how much we live in fear & are tortured by cruel & untrue thoughts/ beliefs (CDs).

b. Negative FREE (-FC): However, for some people the Unhealthy FREE Child is in the driver’s seat – most or ALL of the time. When we’re born we’re totally +FC, having gotten all our needs met in the womb. Immediately that starts changing – at every turn we’re required to conform to the world around us. An infant has no choice.
– If our environment is relatively stable & encouraging, we can safely accept what is expected of us by our culture without sacrificing our Natural Self, as in #4 (chart below).
– BUT when our early life is full of danger, disrespect & dismissal, our native personality will tend to choose one extreme or another, either #1 or #2 & in some cases #3, as a coping mechanism.

An adult person’s possible Inner Child ego states: 
1. As a rule, over the first 6 years of life the ADAPTED /Conforming Child (CC) gets bigger and bigger, gradually diminishing the NATURAL / Free Child (FC) . If the CC gets too big, it causes neuroses, making us feel anxious, depressed, chronically angry/ rageful…. The OVER-conforming /Adapted C is what we see in most ACoAs, with the NC relegated to a deep dark hole.
EXP: tightwad, ‘good boy or girl, co-dependent, people-pleaser….

2. When the Free / Natural C. is too big a part of this E.S. then there are fewer social & personal constraints – weak boundaries with others, less self-control & self-discipline to function well
EXP: Compulsive spender, time-waster, non-ambitious, flaky,  always choosing ‘play’ over consistent self-care…..

3. In grown-ups, having  a totally ‘Free Child’ (-FC) is not healthy because it has no sense of limits, & never learned how to get along with others. It only does what it feel like – a rebellion against all rules, all authority, all sense of propriety or spiritual connection. This person likely grew up with very little supervision or guidance & little if any love. To fill in the missing needs this WIC becomes ‘king baby’, disdaining anything that doesn’t FEEL good, no matter the consequences to self or others & so can be the hardest to recover from
EXP: compulsive promiscuity, hard-core active addicts of any kind, pedophiles, out-of-control music groups,  criminals, extreme narcissists, long-term drop-outs, prisoners….. (Read more)

4. This is the balanced, healthy Inner Child with the freedom to be itself & maintain a sense of self-respect, as well as knowing when to act appropriately in order to get along with others – to stay in connection.
The proportion is fluid – sometimes more like #1 & sometimes more #2, but always dropping back into equilibrium. This can happen when there is both a Stable Healthy Adult & a Loving Parent E.S. available.

RECOVERY:  The WIC (mal-ADAPTED) needs to be understood & healed, rather than trying to get rid of it, so it can function the way it was meant to originally – to help us successfully fit into whatever part of society that suits us. Then in can be integrated with the NC & the other parts of our psyche.
•  HOWEVER: Even without Recovery, our NC (True Self) can still sneak thru, sometimes distorted, sometimes quite pure, in everything from our –> choice of career, leisure activities, style of thinking, our tastes, responses to the world…. –> to the type of addictions we act out on – which we choose based on in-born preferences & passions.

NEXT: Ego States – CHILD (Part 4)

Ego States – CHILD (Part 2)

 

I’M ABLE TO HAVE THE MOST FUN
when I’m in my Natural Child

PREVIOUS: Child Ego State (Part 1)

SITES: Images for T.A. Ego States (very interesting) and ‘Natural Child’ Test

IN CHILDHOOD
Before we had the grown-up components of the Adult & Parent,  we develop the rudimentary aspects of them (Child’s version of a Parent & the C’s version of an Adult), alongside the basic characteristics we were born with – the C’s C. Eventually these 3 parts become the essence of the Child E.S. in our grown up state (see Second Order E.S. Map).

● C’s Parent – sometimes called the ‘little professor or mother’s little helper‘.  Kids, even very small ones, will help a drunk parent up the stairs, rock their dolly to sleep, care for a pet… OR be bossy, lecture other kids, copy their parents’ way of treating their younger siblings…

● C’s Adult – trying to do ‘grownup’ things, even before they’re ready, going to the store or school – alone, ‘being in charge’, showing off their cleverness & knowledge… trying to figure out how things work…. BUT without enough info or mature ego states to process everything correctly

● C’s Child – our most basic self, the core of our identity, the most vulnerable part, the aspect of ourselves which, as adults, has often been suppressed to the point of being invisible.  This part houses our physical selves, instincts, biological urges, genetic recordings, our curiosity, intuition & the full range of emotions – from great joy to great pain.

THE PRESENT
Everyone has a Child E.S. As with the P, it’s both an influence (what we’re thinking & feeling inside) and a state (looking & acting like the little person we once were). See “Parent E.S.- Part 2”. While the P.E.S. is filled with demands, directions & dogma, the Child is filled with desire, & can be inventive, creative, and spontaneous. It can also be fearful, intimidated, and selfish. In healthy people it will show up from time to time when it’s safe & in the right environment to relax &/or actively play. Dysfunctional expressions of this E.S. in the next post.

IN ADULTHOOD we can separate the Inner Child into 2 broad categories – Adapted (AC) & Natural/Free (NC) aspects, healthy & unhealthy.
For ACoAs, it is our NC which for the most part has been suppressed, ignored, possibly even crushed. It has had to go into hiding, early on, to preserve itself from the abuse & neglect inflicted by our parent’s damage. When we realize that our Inner Child has been running the show in our life, even as grown-ups, it is almost totally the wounded version of the AC. For some of us, our NC does peek out, usually in some form of creativity.  One of the goals of Recovery is to reconnect with this basic & essential part of ourselves.

NATURAL or Free Child – in TA terms it’s the part of us that is on the surface when we’re most relaxed & ourselves – when the Inner Parent (positive or negative) is not telling us who to be or how to act.

It’s expressed the way any happy child does – combining curiosity, intuition & creativity – as well as all emotions as they surface, without judgements. It’s the time when we play, are creative & fun to be with. The NC is the state which loves. When we have a healthy sense of play our life becomes more balanced. Without access to the Natural Child life is quite dull, limited & stilted.

● It represents our True Self, as unique & individual as our fingerprints. It’s what we were born as, our heredity, our native capacities & tendencies, but which often goes unrecognized, unexplored, unappreciated…. or deliberately suppressed! It’s largely un-selfconscious, expressing non-verbal noises such as ‘yahoo, whee’…. It enjoys life, is open, vulnerable & is seen in autonomous, *spontaneous actions.
*Spontaneous: any behavior / communication coming from a natural emotion or native tendency, without constraint. Occurring without apparent external influence, force or cause.  REQUIREMENT: a low-level of anxiety, even if only in the short-term!

• All forms of personality inventory (Myers-Briggs, MMPI, Astrology, Numerology, Enneagram…) are basically designed to identify the native characteristics of the NC. This is the part we want to bring forward, encourage to express itself – that part of us that will shine, if allowed!
The Child E.S. can be seen at any age. However, it’s important to NOT idealize the NC, such as when some people call it the Golden Child, because it puts a burden on it that’s not realistic – to be perfect. Since the NC is our essence, it is by definition: human = imperfect, which is normal.

Some Characteristics of the Natural Child:
● Genuine emotions, & is not afraid to let others know how it feels, & can stand up for its rights
● Brainstorms, is curious, creative, intuitive, has drive, with a great capacity for enjoyment, self-expression & being in the moment
●  Likes to explore, have adventures, and sometimes be impulsive, “leaping before you look”.
● It is by nature optimistic, idealistic, exuberant, joyful. Its goal is self-actualization & intimacy/ human relating.

● Is natively either an Introvert or Extrovert (each person has their own degree of it on a continuum)
●  Very literal, overly-truthful / blunt, insensitive to others’ feelings, since it is naturally self-centered
● Can be selfish, immature or over-emotional, willful, not liking to share or take turns, out of touch with the real world or naive.
● It may be rebellious or co-operative, depending on circumstances & the developmental stage it’s in at the time

NOTE: One reason being high or drunk is so appealing to many is that it tends to free the Adapted Child from the Critical Parent’s influence and ‘transform’ the person by releasing them into their Natural Child

NEXT: Child E.S. – Adapted (Part 3)

Ego States – CHILD (Part 1)

I CAN FEEL ALL MY EMOTIONS
when I connect with my Child part

PREVIOUS: Parent E.S. (Part 4)

REMINDER: See Acronym page for abbrev.

GENERAL
The CHILD Ego State (E.S.) is the earliest stage of developed – forming our personality in the first 5-7 yrs of life. Similar in many ways to the Freudian concept of Id, it operates on the pleasure principle, automatically & persistently aimed at gratifying and fulfilling needs. Its goal is to feel pleasure & avoid pain – no matter how or at what cost. It’s focused on the self only, even when relating to others: “I want, I need, I refuse, You can’t make me, I don’t wanna, I want you to….”  This does not mean it’s a bad aspect to be gotten rid of. We need it since it holds both our native qualities and our damage. It’s just that as adults it’s not healthy to be ruled by the Child. (See “Contamination”)

● It’s called “archaeo-psyche” because it’s a collection of taped & stored info – behaviors, thoughts & feelings held over from our own childhood. It’s made up partly of the Natural Child – our fundamental identity – and partly of the Adapted Child which we developed in response to our environment, filtered thru our natural tendencies. So it houses all the loving, helpful, caring & enjoyable things we received back then, as well as all the experiences that caused us anxiety, sadness, rage, shame, terror….
EXP: In the present, one person receiving a poor evaluation at work may respond by looking at the floor, crying or pouting, as they did when scolded as a child. Another person, receiving a good evaluation, may respond with a broad smile and a joyful gesture of thanks, recalling positive mirroring they originally got from their family.

● This part of us contains all the impulses that come naturally to a child – the source of our emotions, creation, spontaneity, curiosity, connection, adventurousness, fun and *intimacy. It’s the part of us that loves to giggle, laugh, have fun and enjoy the simple things in life – at any age. It can also show up as a brat, be whiny or demanding when we don’t get our way. The 70-year-old man sitting in the park enjoying an ice cream cone or the two adults dancing ‘like no one else exists’ are all in their Child state – in positive ways. However, when we neglect ourselves, hurt others with our damage, refuse to be responsible for our feelings & actions…. we too are in the Child, but in a negative way.

*INTIMACY: game-free exchanges of emotional expression without exploitation (opposite of the kinds of interactions laid out in “Games People Play” by Eric Berne)

● It is mainly the domain of the ‘felt’ – the right brain. It’s good to remember that most, but not all, of our emotions – especially all the old stored up ones – reside in our Child part. Before we learned to talk our whole world was about feelings & sensations! Childhood pleasant or painful emotions can be triggered when a current event copies or reminds of a past one – especially if it was something that happened to us over & over (being ignores, scolded… or being praised, comforted….). For expl, the Child gets activated when we smell a favorite childhood food & we feel happy, nostalgic & hungry. OR when rage, terror or despair dominates reason, the Child has taken over. Then, like with the Parent E.S., we can retrieve our reason or correct our thinking so that the emotions become more manageable, but it’s not easy.

● This E.S. represents our entire identity as we were throughout our early years, & is still with us as grown-ups. Humans go thru 7 developmental stages, & can get stuck in any one of them because of loss or other trauma occurring during that period. In that case, even though we continue growing into the following phases we hold damage in the unfinished/ unfulfilled ones, with their distortions. The Inner Child includes defense mechanisms, thought processes, perceptions, feelings, and behaviors of any developmental phase where fixation occurred. When this E.S. takes over it’s like getting hijacked by something within oneself so we become like a child or younger persona. Presently, one stressor may throw us back to thoughts, feelings & actions as if we were 10, while another event we may make us experience ourselves or the world as we did when we were infants. The re-emergence of the Child at such times shows us the need to repair a particular damage from the past. (Read “Cycles of Power” by Pamela Levin for examples).

Leftover CHILD experiences may be grouped along:
a. developmental lines - you may have had painful experiences which you’ve pushed down into a forgotten mental closet, & being unresolved are still operating in how you function & react.
– at age 4 : when a sibling was born & you were left behind when mom went to the hospital with no one to explain or comfort. Not knowing what was happening you we scared, alone, confused – abandoned & unsafe
– then at age 6 : you started school, wanting to belong but had trouble fitting in, with some of the same emotions of the 4 yr old – confused, scared, lonely, left out ….
– as a teen : being uncomfortable about relating to the opposite sex, not being in the in-crowd …. feeling shy & insecure, like those very first days at school
– as an adult :  when sexually attracted to someone, feeling again like that insecure teen or scared 6 yr. old, awkward when talking to them or afraid to approach for fear of rejection, like the 4 yr old who’s mother ‘left’ you for another child!

b. specific events – such as having a long series of losses
– age 4: a parent died or went away permanently. You didn’t understand, weren’t helped to cope with the pain, felt traumatized & withdrew
– age 7 : your family moved far away, separating you from familiar connections with school, neighbors & friends. Starting over was tough.
– as a teen : Your ‘best’ friend left you behind to hang out with other kids. You were devastated & angry.These accumulated abandonments left either trusting no one or trusting too easily – just to not feel alone.
– as an adult : when your mate, best friend of even your child goes out – without you – you may feel a deep pang of abandonment, fear & jealousy, as if they’re never coming back.

These experiences add up to feeling of being unwanted, so you become paranoid, bitter & isolated, OR create a persona to cover the pain – the comedian or the brain or the controlling leader – someone no one can ignore, ever again. Either way the CHILD is in charge, with a weak Healthy Adult & missing the Good Parent.

NEXT: CHILD E.S. (Part 2)

Ego States – PARENT (Part 4)

MY “ADULT” CAN CHOOSE HOW I RESPOND -
from a positive or negative Parent voice

PREVIOUS: Parent E.S. – Part 3

REMINDER: Most of our emotions are housed in the Inner Child E. S. since we start out as children, & the first way we communicate – before we can talk – is thru our feelings. The Adult E.S. is non-emotional, but the Parent E.S. definitely has feelings – love, patience, humor, sexuality,  healthy pride, loyalty, concern, joy, frustration, anger, enjoyment, pleasure …..

DEFENSE MECHANISMS of Ego States
DEFENSES are maneuvers employed by the subconscious mind to protect and serve our various ego states, which become the dynamics of our relationship with oneself & others.  Defenses are used as mediators between conflicts subconscious ego states (neural networks) to reduce the anxiety created by these conflicts. They are our survival skills, BUT are usually not good substitutes for healthy coping skills.

Damaging PARENT
a. When this E.S. is operating Internally (also called ‘Influencing’), we can use Denial, Suppression, Splitting (B & W thinking), Repression, S-H (negative self-talk from PP to WIC)….
b. When Externalizing (also called ‘Active’) this E.S., some are:
– Reaction Formation (saying you’re not angry when you are, acting superior when feeling weak)
– Projection – ‘accusing’ others of having our own rejected characteristics or those of our Introject (creating grandiosity & narcissism)
– Displacement – kicking the dog because you’re mad at you boss
– Rationalization – justifying bad behavior & unhealthy motives, by RE-defining them as good & acceptable

Healthy ADULT – while we all need defenses to some degree, when in this E.S. we use them sparingly & as benefits, in the service of the True Self, such as Humor, Sublimation (channeling sexual energy into socially approved activities), Compensation (making up for a perceived weakness), Fantasy (imaging what’s possible or as pleasant diversion), Altruism….

AT WORK
Continuing from ‘ADULT E.S. Part 3’ : This chart developed by Mountain Assoc.
(2009) focuses on how people function in organizations. Here we are looking at the PAC’s positive & negative styles of Communication, first the in 3 toxic forms., & then as part of the Accounting, Mindful, Integrating ADULT.

1. DAMAGING PARENT styles of communication are ineffective. The the intended message sent is not understood, so what needs to be done is less likely to get done, or may be done incorrectly.
The ‘sender’ is not OK & so treats the ‘listener’ as “Not OK”, or encourages them to make someone else “Not OK”. Because communication is broken in some way (see ‘Adult E.S., Part 2’) it tends not to continue, or it escalates to even more discomfort or misunderstanding. In extreme cases the rift may be permanent.

a. Criticizing : In this mode we try to hang on to a sense of power & superiority by controlling thru fear & intimidation. We talk down to others & don’t allow them to share in decisions or sometimes the actual work, because we believe people can’t do things as well as we can, except maybe a few chosen ones (like us). We expect too much of others & are always dissatisfied with their work, never take responsibility for our own mistakes or ignorance, take on too much of the workload & then get burned out.

b. Inconsistent / Unavailable : In this mode we are not dependable, giving mixed messages, incomplete or confusing instruction – perhaps give praise one day & judge or ignore staff / co-workers another day. Our actions will be unpredictable & seemingly random depending on our inner turmoil. We may even lean on subordinates to do the work for us or to take care of us emotionally. Other times we may be silent, distant & cold. This style comes from (as a copy of one of our parents) —- being indecisive from distorted thinking (CDs), & lack of knowledge or experience —- AND/OR being moody, depressed, afraid of taking risks, & low self-esteem

c. Interfering / Over-indulgent: All 3 forms treat others as bad, incompetent & needy children we have to control – but here it’s done more subtly. Just as the Critical Parent thinks no one can do things right (in the practical/ functional realm), the Interfering Adult believes no-one is as competent as themselves – emotionally – to take care of themselves.
At work these modes put a great deal of pressure on anyone in charge, (boss / manager), often creating exhaustion, anxiety & depression.

This unhealthy parent role can be expressed by:
– people-pleasing – acting out the parent who lets the children run the household. At work or in other groups we try to make everyone our friend, don’t discriminate between who’s safe & who’s not, trying to over-compensate for the bad parents we had & that is now in our head.
– rescuing mode – we see everyone as a child that has to be attended to in some way. In this type of control we act like a benevolent care-taker, while imposing our own point of view on others. Here we act out of a sense of responsibility toward others (grownup, not just children) to make sure everyone is getting their needs met – because we never got ours met.

2. INTEGRATING ADULT – effective ways to communicate tell others “WE are OK”, & are the ones most likely to get the intended response or result you want: information is received, necessary actions follow and good relationships are maintained or developed. It allows conversations to continue (now or later) if necessary and desired. Each person or group is able to hold onto their “I’m OK” position, whether they agree with each other – or not, or whether like each other – or not.

Wise Parent aspect : Supporting / Nurturing – From this position we are caring and affirming. We can be helpful, guiding, mentoring…. without being controlling or micro-managing. The attitude is one of understanding & compassion, without people-pleasing.
Pos. Physical: arm around shoulder as sign of support, pat on the back
Pos Verbal: encouraging and nurturing statements “I’ll take care of you, you did really well, I’m proud of you….”

NEXT: CHILD Ego States (Part 1)

Ego States – PARENT (Part 3)

 

I CAN FILL THE HOLE IN MY HEART
by developing a Loving, Healthy Parent

PREVIOUS: Parent Ego State (PES), Part 2

REVIEW: “Rescuing” & “Healthy Helping”

EGO STATE MODES
This chart shows the Parent aspect of the Wagner, Joines and Mountain 9-element model, developed during the 1980′s.  While the A. is the Executive branch of a person, & in general it’s best as a person’s guiding force, it’s helpful to remember that all 3 ego states can operate from a healthy or unhealthy side of a person, with good or bad motives, and with good or bad consequences.

EXP: The Adult ego-state can be applied to planning a new town on a drawing board, or planning to rob a bank.  Both activities require logic, reason, critical thinking faculties, planning skills, etc. (More on ‘CENT’). Review chart of the ‘OK Corral’ (Adult E.S., Part 3)

The following 2 PES modes say: “You’re Not OK” to self & others

Negative CRITICAL / Controlling P. is punitive & insensitive. Gives negative and degrading criticism to overemphasize being in control, using fear, suspicion, or distrust: “How stupid can you be”….  For ACoAs –
– Outwardly it’s often expressed towards others as prejudice & disapproval
– Inwardly it continues to influence the Inner Child, in the form of S-H
EXP: the person who sees an injured dog in the street, & says: ‘all dogs should be kept on leads, not allowed to roam free’ – so does nothing to help

Negative NURTURING P. is over-protective & may be engulfing, giving physical attention in order to control or manipulate others. May smother with concern, denying people the opportunity to develop their own skills.
Help is given from a position which discounts the other person’s actual needs, or their autonomy & competence

HINTS the Negative Parent (PP) is ‘on’
Neg. Physical – frowning, crossed arms, finger-pointing, angry or impatient body-language and expressions, finger-pointing, patronizing gestures…
Neg. Verbal – Use condescending tone, judgmental & critical words, patronizing or posturing language : “this is how you, under no circumstances, you should always, never forget to, don’t lie, cheat, steal… never do, for once in your life, you shouldn’t, how dare you, don’t do as I do, do as I say…”  (Keep in mind cultural differences in body-language or emphases that appear ‘Parental’ but may not be)

● Re. the POSITIVE SIDE: Since both of these aspects are either missing or weak in most ACoAs – especially toward ourselves – developing & safe-guarding the Good Parent voice is a critical (no pun intended) & fundamental requirement for our growth.

These 2 aspects say: “You’re OK” to self & others

Positive NURTURING P.
For US: It’s used to self-sooth, help the WIC with any form of emotional distress, letting the C. know it’s never alone. It is also the part that encourages, cheers & champions the Healthy Child to be ‘all you were meant to be”! It draws from our own native capacity for kindness as well as all our experiences of being cared for, especially in childhood. (The Positive Introject)

For OTHERS: It’s the source of kindness, respect & help we afford others, coming from a genuine regard for them as fellow-travelers on this earth. It can give & take in appropriate physical affection, such a gentle hug or touch
EXP: This aspect can be seen in the person who lovingly takes care of that dog who got injured by a car while crossing the road

Positive CRITICAL / Controlling P.
For US: It’s used to set boundaries for oneself, allowing for self-control – limiting the Child’s excessive wants, demands, distorted thinking, inappropriate behavior…. The way a parent would hold a child back from running across the street, the Pos. Controlling P. helps us stay out of or leave unhealthy or unsuitable people / situations…..

For OTHERS:  instructions & commands are aimed at genuinely promoting someone’s well-being. Constructive criticism is used to protect & direct away from harm / danger : “you might want to consider –, stay away from the –, be careful when you –,….

DISTORTED or MISSING Parent or Adult ego states means the WIC is in charge, so its excessive needs & wants are not limited or controlled.
EXP: Active addicts have chaotic lives – such a person will look for substances, people, organization &/or belief systems to be their missing P or A,  symbiosing with it as a way to sooth the pain & anxiety of inner aloneness. (See ‘Contamination’)

PARENT E.S. – Someone with a strong (P) persona tends to focus on:
• the ‘right way’ of doing things based on the rules they believe in
• how they can have an effect on others (controlling or helpful…)
• not showing too much emotion, more self-contained
• strong importance on how things are done (specific steps)

➼ When ACoAs function too much out of the PES, we will be either judgmental & finger-pointing, OR patronizing & overly solicitous

NEXT: Parent E.S. (Part 4)

Ego States – PARENT (Part 2)

 

The CRITICAL INNER PARENT
can take up a lot of space!

PREVIOUS:
 Parent ego state (Part 1)

SITE: T.A., REBT & CENT therapies

 

FOR ACoAs
a. OLD Parent* voice – our accumulated version of parents & any other major caretakers.  If they were loving & reasonably healthy then our Inner Parent is a good one.
BUT for ACoAs, that part of us is the Negative
Introject, or Pig Parent, gathered from a collection of people who influenced us as kids, and who we now carry around in our head. It’s the one the WIC is always listening to, is terrified of displeasing, is trying to obey -perfectly- & constantly failing!

*Caretakers who are mis-attuned, invalidating, emotionally neglectful &/ or physically abusive create great anxiety in the child. The resulting desperation triggers an unconscious defense: the child identifies with ‘the other’ (usually as a Toxic Introject), taking on the character of the abuser and canceling out its own needs, in an attempt to stay attached, bonded and loyal. So now PP messages can be very hard to get rid of since they’re linked to a lot of original psychological & emotional trauma still being held in the WIC ego state.

b. NEW Parent* voice – the Loving Parent (LP) is developed in Recovery, as part of the “UNIT”, using S & I to form a self-caring, nurturing component, capable of empathy for self & others, & can therefore help others without being co-dependent. Whenever we notice the OLD voice getting loud or taking over we can ‘decontaminate the Parent’, pull in the Good P. & get back to having the Adult be in charge.

*The INNER Loving PARENT voice follows the ‘general guidelines’ for healthy parenting. It is a biological imperative that children require mental, emotional & physical attachment to maintain psychological health. Some of the things we would have gotten in a functional family (there are no perfect ones) include providing the need-to-connect common to all children,
BY:
● having the child’s thoughts, emotions, fantasies & other needs validated, which allows them to know who they are
● allowing the child to have an effect/ making an impact/ able to influencing the others around them, & at least some of the time be understood & their wishes/ desires provided
● feeling secure with a safe adult who can be relied on to provide protection, such as freedom from humiliation and physical violence
● receive support and guidance, including physical closeness & positive shared experiences, such as learning & playing together
● opportunities to express gratitude to and love for the caretakers, which is received well, as a sign of bonding and loyalty

HOW the Parent ego state (PES) is USED
a. INFLUENCING, which operates internally. IF our early caretakers were loving & reasonably healthy then our Inner Parent is a good one, & we will treat ourselves well with self-care & self-soothing.  IF they were wounded &/or toxic, the Introject will be experienced as a weak or bad voice beating us up, EITHER :
● in the form of self-criticism, causing feelings of SHAME, self-hate, self-doubt, a constant sense of being watched & controlled, not knowing what we want think or feel, generating chronic anxiety and depression….
OR
● as outside criticism, by hearing warnings, judgements, demands, needs, rules…. from others, which creates fear & a degree of paranoia in us. Whether these come from real people or from ‘mis-hearing’ what’s said to us, we usually don’t realize we’re projecting our own PP outward:
– if we stay with people who are actually unavailable, selfish, mean, crazy… we are participating a relationship with an external version of our Bad Parent, as a copy of our original abandoners / abusers
– OR when have a strong painful / angry feelings toward people who are just being ‘normal’ humans but happen to push our unhealed buttons – we are making them into the PP we carry in our head

b. ACTIVE, which operates externally. In this mode we function in the outside world exactly the way our family treated us, reproducing the emotions, attitudes & behavior of our original significant-others. As above, this will depend on how we were treated as kids. Since most people are wounded, the ‘acted out’ (projected) bad voice will be coming from the Negative PES. The psychological function of treating others badly is to diminish the pressure & anxiety created by our Toxic Introject & the WIC. Letting it out on others is a relief from the ‘influencing’ voice that is badgering us all the time.

EXP: When a mother screams at & criticizes her children (as the Negative Parent) the same way her father screamed at and criticized her when she was young (her PP) – she gets momentary relief of that pain by externalizing the abuse she received from him & still holds in her being, but is probably not aware she’s reacting from her Bad Parent ego state.

Main PES CATEGORIES
a. Normative (NoP) is made up of either realistic or damaging guidelines, rules, punishments & rewards.
Positive NoP / “Counselor Parent” is strong, powerful, protective, principled. It provides appropriate boundaries & is comfortable setting limits without being disapproving or harsh – with self and others

Negative NoP / “Persecutor Parent”
● Treats the Inner Child harshly & tries to make it do as the parent voice wants – either to obey it’s own set of rules regardless of the benefit to the Child part, or just treating the Child as its ‘whipping-boy’
● Towards others, when in this mode we react with judgmental responses that are arrogant, authoritative, condescending, critical, demanding, disapproving, judgmental, opinionated, moralistic…. with a lot of do’s and don’ts & little flexibility.
– At work, managers in the NoP mode are task oriented & can be dictatorial & exclusionary.

b. Nurturing /Sympathetic (NuP) – who loves, cares for, provides for others, appropriately.  Men & women can both play the role of Good Parent, but is most often in the form of a mother-figure.
● One of the NuP’s goals is to take care of the Inner Child – to sooth it’s troubles & keep it content, providing it with safety & unconditional love.
● In terms of others – from this position one behaves and responds with reassuring communications that are consoling, considerate, respectful, nurturing, permitting, protecting….
– At work, managers coming from the NuP are supportive & relationship oriented, consulting subordinates & encouraging their participation.

NEXT: Parent ego state (Part 3)

Ego States – PARENT (Part 1)

 

IF I USE ALL MY EGO STATES WELL
I can take care of myself well

PREVIOUS: Ego States – Adult (Part 3)

REVIEW: All post on the Introject

Reminder: Ego states are normal internal parts of ourselves and are supposed to work together for our benefit – as aspects of our True Self. Before considering how they apply to our interactions with others, it’s important to understand – AND apply – how they’re meant to interact on our own behalf.

PARENT Ego State (PES) ‘Extero-psyche’
PAST: This E.S. is our Introject (positive or toxic) – an internal picture of how we saw our real parents & other important care-givers when we were growing up. Children pick up just as much subliminal info about the people around us as what’s visible. But since all children think they’re the center of the universe, they assume everything the adults do & say is about them, which leads to a limited understanding & sometimes distorted perspective of them. This combination becomes the blueprint for the way to think of ourselves & how function in the world. In healthy families this template will have less discrepancy with reality, but for ACoAs what we absorbed was not only OUR immature thinking BUT also their WIC & PP!

PRESENT: The experiences, emotions & instruction we got from family were taken in wholesale, without consciously considering whether we really agree with any of it or if it suited us.  The PES is now our ingrained voice of authority, combining our native personality with our conditioning. It’s made up of a huge number of hidden and obvious mental recordings.  We are in Parent mode when we evaluate things, make generalized statements about the world, look after ourselves or others. This is OK as long as we have a Good Parent voice, & the Adult stays in charge (See ‘Contamination’)

● If our family was loving & reasonably healthy then our Inner Parent is a positive one, having taken in useful & accurate rules and regulations, realistic knowledge about the world, how to be appropriately nurturing & helpful…. but even for such people a portion of those parental messages will be out of date & need to changed or modified because:
– we’re no longer children, so some of those rules no longer apply
– in many cases society has moved on (the role of women, fear of technology…), making some of the early info useless or limiting

● For ACoAs, that part of us is mainly the toxic Parent (PP), with B & W, distorted and cruel beliefs that torture us & hold us back. Interestingly, many ACoAs have a version of a Loving Parent, which we only use for others – in the form of care-taking, rescuing, people-pleasing AND sometimes being of genuine help (teacher, nurse, leader, parent….) – BUT don’t apply that benevolence to ourselves.
Our harmful internalized messages have to be identified & replaced:
– they were severely damaging, leaving us with the conclusion “I’m so unworthy, no one will ever love me”
– they don’t apply to positive relationships with healthier people, so we can’t use them to guide us in interactions with others

Ego State POSITIONS
1st Order – Basic T.A. model
● Parent, driven by beliefs, via things we were taught
● Adult, driven by thoughts, via what we’ve learned ourselves
● Child, driven by emotions, via what we feel & intuit
– Eric Berne suggested these 3 ego states correspond to parts of the brain (read MORE…..), and that 2nd & 3rd order states contain hereditary material.

2nd Order - Ideally this is a complete & well-adjusted ADULT with all 3 aspects working to benefit each other as a unit:
● P2 (Parent E.A. as part of the whole) is focused on self-nurturing, as well as the care & protection of children.
● A2 (Adult E.S. of the whole) is mature, wise, makes good decisions, interacts with the other 2 parts & generally acts on behalf of oneself whenever practical functions / decisions / actions are needed.
● C2 (Child E.S. of the whole) is the ideally well-adjusted, unwounded creative force of ones life. It’s made up of: P1 – the Adapted Child, A1 – called the Little Professor (always asking “WHY?”) & C2 the Natural Child.

3rd Order – Focus is on the Adapted Child with it’s accumulated trauma (see posts re. Child E.S.).

PURPOSE: The survival of the Species
For US: In general – the PES allows us to function AUTOMATICALLY, so we can respond to many aspects of our life without having to think about ‘How or What’ (how to behave in different situation, how to ride a bike or dress ourselves, what we believe, what comes next, what’s right….). This saves time & effort, freeing up the Adult part to make decisions ‘in the now’.
ALSO – it’s the way we treat ourselves, both in inner dialogue & actions. The Inner Parent is either loving or abusive. Because it’s how we parent ourselves, we need to identify it’s toxic content, & then work to correct them.
• P1 in this chart indicates the stage when the ‘early parent’ (C’s P) is formed – from birth to about age five

For OTHERS: Functions as PARENT to the next generation (our own children, & anyone else in genuine need), by combining family experience with our native personality and what we’ve taught ourselves
The ideal parent is “all-about-the-child”, nurturing and protecting them.
• P2: The grown-up Parent ego state is formed between ages 5 to around 20, with continued input from authority of caretaker figures. After that, any time P2 gets triggered, people tend to reacts just like their original role models. But since each of us also brings our own personality, and for some – our Recovery – to how we express P2, it’s possible to act much better than our dysfunctional training!

NEXT: PARENT E.S. (Part 2)

Ego States – ADULT (Part 3)

MY EMOTIONAL UNDERWEAR SHOWS,
especially at work

PREVIOUS: ADULT E.S. (Part 2)

SITE: Info re T.A. (Transactional Analysis)

General Presentation - All modes function on a continuum from mild to severe … AND a person can go from OK to NOT OK & back again more than once throughout a day:

● Parent: Language contains value judgements, speaks about ‘You…’ or ‘One…’, & one’s posture tends to be leaning forward
● Child:  Words are direct & spontaneous. Exp: being in the Adapted C. ego state one might cry silently, while in Free C. one will tend to have fun & perhaps make lots of noise….

● ADULT is ‘on’ when:
Physically – Posture is erect, perhaps with tilted head (listening). The person is attentive, interested, straight-forward, non-threatening and non-threatened

Verbally – Tone of voice is measured, clear, precise, crisp, rational, logical.  Words are clear, definable, factual: “It’s a cold day so we’ll need extra clothes”.  One talks in terms of: why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way. Uses comparative expressions, reasoned statements, true vs false, probably, possibly, ‘I think, I realize, I see, I believe, in my opinion’…..

EGO STATE MODES - This ‘Descriptive’ model is by Susannah York (1999), based on Berne’s Structural Ego State model & using the ‘OK Corral’ modes.

Just as with traffic lights, red is for stop & green is for go – so here all red components are the unhealthy ways to function. They come from trauma, which caused negative energy blockages from those outdated experiences, and which now invite negative reactions from others (one of the other red styles).

The Integrating Adult is healthy, as are the green modes of the Inner Child & Loving Parent, inviting positive responses from others.

ACCOUNTING Mode - the Healthy Adult : This is the ONLY E.S. which allows us to solve problems. This can’t be done from either the P. or the C states – even when we try to correct things from those 2 states, the problems will keep coming back.  In the present the A. makes balanced choices & decisions, based on stored info from previous experience which is then compared with the reaction generated by our Internal Adult and Internal Child to the new events.

With the A. in charge we communicate that “WE are OK”, as it’s able to choose which mode to switch into depending on what’s called for, without giving up its oversight.  EXP: As long as the Adult is in charge, the Child can have fun at the beach or at a nightclub without getting into trouble or hurting others…. & the Parent can help someone or run a work project, without overstepping boundaries or taking on too much responsibility….

OK-ness AT WORK (from OK Corral, Ernst 1971) – See Part 2
An extension of the Susanna York model is  this chart developed by Mountain Assoc.(2009) with the focus on how people function in
groups, such as at work.

● It shows the PAC styles of positive and negative ways to Communicate. While this outline was designed for workers & leaders in business, it works well in any situation.

Keep in mind these modes are how we relate to others rather than just our internal relationships among the 3 main ego states. Which style we favor will depend on our level of mental & emotional health.

● Since all relationships have to be considered in context, we may feel “I’m OK” when with a BFF, but “I’m NOT OK” at work; or “We’re OK” in a like-minded group, but “They’re NOT OK” about anyone outside the group….

HEALTHY ADULT : ACCOUNTING – communicates “I’m OK, You’re OK, We’re OK” with blockage-free energy. When this mode is stable, we operate appropriately in the here-and-now, having integrated the positive aspects of our historic parenting & archaic childhood experiences. This allows us to choose which mode to draw from, depending on the situation, without regressing into either archaic or historic states.

For Wise Parent aspects go to “Parent E.S.” posts
Healthy Adult
Co-Creating / Cooperative – In this position we learn the rules that help us develop successful ways of living with others. We are able to share power, information & creativity without feeling jealous or threatened.

Structuring – This is the boundary setting aspect, can offer constructive criticism, & be caring but firm.We treat others with respect without giving up our identity because we know what our needs are & can set appropriate limits.

NOTE: For info on Positive & Negative Parent & Child modes in both charts (Ego State Modes & OK-ness at Work), see posts on Parent or Child ego states.

NEXT: PARENT E.S. (Part 1)

Ego States – ADULT (Part 2)

 

I NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR
ways the Child or Parent take over

PREVIOUS: ADULT Ego State (Part 1)

REMINDER: See Acronym page for abbrev.

Eric Berne (creator of T.A.) comments that coming from an Integrated Adult ego state (E.S.) does not mean just being in a rational frame of mind, but that we can also access emotions, values & attitudes, because the 3 parts are working together as a whole,  in the ‘here and now’ experiencing current reality – internally as well as externally.

CONTAMINATION
Even if we spend a lot of time in Adult mode, it’s normal to move out of Adult into Parent or Child when faced with enough stress. This can be from a pile up of real-life events, or from something setting off an internal hot button from childhood, or bumping up against an unhealed wound. Then the 3 states are no longer working together. This is called regression – to an earlier time in our life, with the specific experience, beliefs & training we lived thru.

Whenever we move out of Adult E.S. we leave the present and fall back into our own past versions of the P. or C. states.
● We may just experience them as internal ‘voices’ influencing our thoughts & feelings (PP – inner critic, or WIC – constant self-doubt)
OR
● move fully into one of the other 2 states from our past, outwardly acting from:  — the damaged Parent – abusive, controlling, know-it-all or over-indulgent, symbiotic rescuer…., alternating with — the damaged Child – sullen rebeller, raging scapegoat, or needy victim, incapable isolator….

These are life positions which create energy blockage which keep us from being ‘in the flow’ of the now & being our True Self. These unhealthy modes are founded on basic beliefs about self and others, which are used to justify decisions and behavior. An example: talking as if something is a fact or a reality, when it’s only our belief – something our family &/or community expressed, even if we did not have the same experiences they did (a mother saying: “all men are bums / a father saying: those ‘people’ are taking all our jobs”…. ).  We took in what we repeatedly heard & then made it our own ‘truth’, creating energy blockages in our minds.

Symptoms of this blockage depend on which E.S. is dominating.
● When the Parent bleeds into the Adult (#1) we may think & act out of such forms of ‘superior’ hatred as narrow-mindedness, racism or religious judgement. EXP: being Prejudiced
● When the Child bleeds into the Adult (#2) things in everyday life can trigger old wounds & the C becomes frightened at or angry about something which may or may not be unhealthy or unpleasant in itself.  EXP: being in Illusion or Delusion – but not necessarily pathological

● When both P & C bleed into the A at the same time (#3) – we have a negative belief AND this makes us scared “Anyone different from us is bad & so we’re in danger”, or we can have a sense of superiority & so feel  entitled…. “We’re better than them so we can do whatever we want”
– Ironically, when #3 happens the Adult is ‘ego syntonic‘ – not in conflict within itself – but this does not mean it is correct or healthy. In that state we believe what we think & feel as if it were completely true & unchangeable (“All government is bad”). Others in our peer group may agree, & only someone outside of the circle will catch the logic flaws (CDs).

CUT OFF Aspects – In these cases the Adult has been compromised or eliminated.
Missing Inner Child: When the Parent contaminates the Adult and the C. is cut off, people can’t ‘let go’ to have fun, are rigid & controlling, with little sense of humor, take everything seriously, must always be ‘right’ & know-it-all…. are generally neurotic

Missing Inner Parent: When the Child bleeds into the A. & the P. is cut off people have a weak conscience, do whatever they want with little or no regard for others and are prone to self-destructive behavior in the pursuit of self-gratification

Missing Inner Adult: When the A. is cut off completely there is no ‘reality’ guide, so people can become paranoid, extreme narcissists, socio/psychopathic or psychotic.

The OK CORRAL, (Franklin Ernst, 1971)
This format was applied to the T.A. model & used by York (next chart). It’s a helpful shortcut for ACoAs to observe & identify what attitude we & others are holding as any given time.
These are the Life Positions Eric Berne referred to as existential ones, which we’re more likely to slip into – automatically -  when under stress, with maybe another position under it. Our Life Position can change as we develop and grow, but is a theme that runs through our life.

CHANNELS of Communications: When 2 people or groups interact, they each choose to come from one of their E.S., & this can shift during the exchanges – possibly several times.

a. Complementary transactions are the ‘clean’ one’, & can continue indefinitely.
b. Crossed ones result in breaking the connection between 2 parties, but is a useful way to ‘force’ a change in a communication.
c. Ulterior ones have hidden messages used to manipulate & are chosen by the Inner Child.  The behavioral outcome is determined by the psychological (ulterior) level of the transaction, because the secret agenda carries the most weight.

Good communication / Complementary connections between 2 people or groups is an exchange between: (usually 1 or 2 of these are our chose preference, & will depend on who we’re talking to)
● Adult – Adult : problem-solving
● Nurturing Parent – Natural Child : care-taking
● Natural Child – Natural Child : having fun, being creative
● Controlling Parent – Adapted Child : giving guidance & instructions

Adequate channels:
● Nurturing Parent – Nurturing Parent : discussing how to care for others
● Controlling Parent – Controlling Parent : agreeing what rules to apply to others
● Adapted Child – Adapted Child : being compliant or rebellious together
(READ MORE….)

NEXT: ADULT E.S. (Part 3)

Ego States – ADULT (Part 1)

 

A HEALTHY ADULT INNER VOICE
helps me function well in the world

PREVIOUS: Ego States – Basics (Part 3)

SITE: T.A. tests & definitions

REMINDER: These internal states are in our conscious mind, & only one can be in the foreground at any given moment. Whichever one is on the ‘front burner’ is called The Executive  – for the length of time it’s in charge. Healthy people can switch between ego states (E.S.) as required – most of the time.  It’s NOT supposed to be a rigid framework, but many ACoAs are trapped in the Wounded Child E.S.

● Let’s start with the Adult aspect, which is the center circle. In the T.A. structural model, the Integrating Adult component is placed in the middle to show that it needs to orchestrate interactions between the Parent and the Child ego states.

PURPOSE of ADULT (“neopsyche”): The survival of the Self
a. FACTUAL: This part of us concentrates on Reality, lives in the present & holds the accumulated data of all our experiences.
It begins forming around age 6 to 10 months & is assumed to be fully developed in a normal individual by age 12 (from T.A.), but its actual function is not related to a person’s age.
The A. deals with external facts (“It’s 5 pm, the train is late…”), analyzing and solving problems, also using information received from the Parent & Child states, giving us the ability to successfully deal with the outside world

b. REGULATORY: The A. is in charge of supervising & managing the activities of both the Inner Parent & the Inner Child parts AND intervening between them when necessary. It’s what allows us to keep the control of those other 2 states – to not let the P. become too rigid, controlling, pontificating (“Do as I say not as I do”) nor the C. get too out of control, selfish, hurtful ( “I’ll kill that so-and-so!”)

EXP: When the internal Bad Parent beats up on the internal Child by saying “You are no good, look at what you did wrong again, you are useless”, the Wounded Child will agree: “I’m no good, look how useless I am, I never get anything right”.

● Most people hardly aren’t even aware of this kind of self-talk – it’s automatic & often below consciousness.
However, if we have a Healthy Adult – it will step in, first to stop the Introject from doing any more damage & change the Child’s toxic beliefs. Then the Good Parent can comfort the Child who has been attacked.

Adult functions include:
– being in the present, testing reality, estimating probabilities, and processing information dispassionately
– being adaptable, intelligent, logical, organized
– can be compared to a computer or regulator, because it’s in charge of un-emotional functions such as decision-making, problem-solving
– it allows us to evaluate facts based on available data, & determines the actions we take given rational input
– is not unduly influenced by negative or harmful childhood experiences

● The healthy Adult-in-the-adult (rather than the Child’s version of an adult) allows us to be aware of all our options & possible resources, given who we are, in relation to what we need & what’s going on now.
NOTE: All info on this blog referring to healthy / recovering thoughts & actions are being generated by the Healthy Adult & Loving Parent (the UNIT) & in T.A. called ‘Accounting’ or Integrative Adult (See Part 3)

● Unintegrated Adult – the rational, competent part of us which many ACoAs use to get along at work & in a variety of relationships, but which doesn’t connect with the Inner Child, is easily swayed or blocked by old damage & can’t ally with a Loving Parent, because there is no LP

● Integrated Adult – is expressed in many of the same ways, but mainly as the primary ‘executive’, interacting with both P & C ego states, to form a whole personality. It prevents the WIC or the PP from running our lives

In Integrating Adult mode:
– we can be spontaneous and aware, constantly updating ourselves through our every-day experiences to keep on top of things
– we have the capacity for intimacy because we have good boundaries as a result of knowing our rights & who we are, so are not afraid to connect with others
– we know who is safe & who is not, because we can see people as they truly are, rather than idealizing them, OR projecting our family & our own damage onto them
– we look for information rather than stay scared or make assumptions
– we can ask for help & apply problem-solving strategies when things get tough, allowing us to make healthy decisions & take productive actions
– we take the best from the past and use it appropriately in the present by integrating the strengths of our P. & C. parts.

● So when we experience emotions in response to something in the moment – like feeling sad when a friend moves away – our behavior is consistent with how we actually think and feel, (T.E.A.) rather than reacting based on our unhealthy past.  In this state we’re aware of what’s real and what isn’t & we can act accordingly.

EXP: You feel jealous of your mate, but it doesn’t mean your partner is cheating on you. If you have that thought, you consider the strength of your relationship and the character of the other person, so you can either deduce that it’s:
a. a projection of your WIC, based on your FoA, because the Adult E.S. knows your mate is a loyal persona, so you realize the fear is not real
OR
b. a very real possibility because the person has been acting secretive, had been pulling away or has cheated before…. and your Adult E.S. is willing to acknowledge what you know or intuit

ADULT Ego States – Someone with a strong (A) persona tends to :
• have objective & reasonable observations which are realistic & current
• have a keen sense of awareness, understanding, insight
• be emotionally balance, not over or under reactive
• think & feel that things are done with medium importance (not dramatic)
➼ When ACoAs function too much out of the AES, we will be too much ‘in our head’ & not be able to relate to others emotionally or express our own.

NEXT: ADULT Ego States (Part 2)