SYMBIOSIS & ACoAs (Part 1)

01 Aug 2010 2 Comments

by dmtorbi in 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help Tags: abandonment, acoa recovery, boundaries, childhood, healthy attachment, inner child, narcissists, symbiosis & acoas

AM I ME, AM I YOU & ARE YOU ME?
I hate myself, but I also want you to be exactly like me!

Previous: How ACoAs abandon others (Part 3)

REMINDER: Use ACRONYM page for abbrev.

SYMBIOSIS

As infants, all humans are born with a built-in biological & psychological set of tendencies, which interacts with & responds to their specific environment in their own unique way – but not with a formed personality.  The child’s first connection is to the mother (usually) & at first is not aware of a difference between it & it’s caretaker. This symbiosis (one-ness) is normal & appropriate. It allows the child to feel safe & protected while it gradually becomes acquainted with oneself & the big world it has come in to.

• Regardless of the type of home environment, nature & nurture (how we’re treated) combine to form what we think of as our SELF.  If born into a reasonably healthy family, the child is allowed & encouraged to develop it’s own way of being, true to the pre-set template they came into the world with.

✶ This creates a sense of external & then internal safety & gives permission to be oneself, which gradually makes it possible to function in the world as an individual who is comfortable in one’s skin & with other people.

IN CHILDHOOD
A. BROKEN Symbiosis – BUT, if the mother is not available or unable to  connect with the infant (thru’ illness or death, spousal abuse, external trauma such as natural disasters/ war / an accident…, OR most commonly – a personality dysfunction like narcissism, depression, anxiety…), so that the mother cannot nurture the infant from a deep place of love, the symbiotic bond is never formed or it too soon broken, before the child can tolerate it.

✶ This creates intense & long-lasting anxiety, which can lead the child to spend the rest of their life trying to create that missing link with someone – anyone, so they can stop that terrible, relentless anxiety, SO
● they may find another wounded soul they can attach to & live together in isolation  – OR
● keep being attracted to emotionally unavailable people, reproducing the very abandonment they so fear (trying to symbiose with the ‘distant’ mother)

B. UNBROKEN Symbiosis – at the other extreme – if the mother did not have that bond provided in her infancy she’ll try to get it from her child – creating a captive which can never leave her! She’ll make every effort to negate the child’s individuality in favor of her own needs & wants, to make that little person her clone & will punish any disagreement.
If there is no one available or strong enough to interfere with this suffocating attachment (father, sibling or other…) the child never is allowed the freedom to develop it’s own identity but stays dependent on the mother  (& family) for it’s very existence.

This creates a child who grows up to (some or all):
• never leave home     • be depressed, isolated, suicidal  •  not have any rights  • have weak boundaries
• be unable to have healthy, autonomous relationships   • be terrified of abandonment in any form
• be unable to support oneself    • not have one’s own opinions about things
• not trust one’s judgment     • have only symbiotic relationships with domineering people   – etc
OR
If the child is able to get away – as an adult, they’ll be terrified of any close involvement with others – & the fear of being engulfed again is so unbearable that it is expressed as fear of commitment, even when in some form of relationship, with extreme emotional detachment, need for total control, endless sexual conquests, come here – go away interactions, irresponsibility…

➼ Both types, of course, are ripe for any form of addiction,  trying to fill  that big emotional hole inside – but it never works.

NEXT: Symbiosis, Part 2

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