List of HEALTHY Boundaries (Part 1)


I WANT TO CONNECT,
NOT be enmeshed!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Bs – Info (Part 2)

REVIEW: ‘ACoAs & Self-Esteem


WHAT BOUNDARIES (Bs) CAN NOT DO

• having boundaries ourselves can not create Bs for others
• by themselves, they can’t change our ‘spirit’. When we continually break the same boundary, or let others B invade us – it’s caused by some wound in our Child part which needs to be healed before we can enforce our Bs

• they can’t be be imposed as a control to change someone else’s actions. Bs won’t stop narcissist & pathological liars from trying to manipulate or control us.  We must decide what we will or will not allow, but can’t force another person to change. Usually we have to get away from them

• a B should not be used to encourage negative behavior which is counter to our morals & values, like saying that someone can ‘act self-destructively but not around us’.  If a ‘boundary’ encourages unhealthy behavior, it has no element of love and protection in it.  It doesn’t mean we can control the outcome, only that we state our concerns clearly

PRACTICAL EXAMPLES of Healthy Boundaries

1. EMOTIONAL (Es)
Having healthy E. Bs is to truly know:
• Es just ARE: not good or bad, but rather – range from most painful to most joyful
• As adults Es don’t depend on others’ actions
• good Es come from our own behavior
• our Es do not cause others’ actions or their Es

• our Es do not cause others’ actions or their Es
• we choose to not blame, ie. responsible for ones own Es
• we’re accepting of & self-forgiving for Es we’ve been taught to disapprove of, like jealousy, greed, shame, indifference, rage….
• we can have access to a wide range of Es
• we have control over which Es we express to others (to whom & where)

With regard to YOURSELF
Healthy Bs means that we:
• have a strong sense of identity – know ourselves well, have good self-esteem & respect for ourselves – without arrogance
• know our own wants, needs and feelings
• value our opinions and feelings as much as others (sometimes more)
• become our own good parent, to take care of our needs
• talk to ourselves with gentleness, respect and humor
• acknowledge our shadow self, but without judgment or self-hate

• are able to ask for help when we need it
• are committed to and responsible for exploring & nurturing our full potential
• are responsible for our own happiness & fulfillment
• know our limits – not giving too much, hoping someone will like us
• don’t compromise our values or integrity to avoid possible rejection
• know when a problem is ours & when it is NOT

With regard to OTHERS
Healthy Bs means that we:
• communicate our Bs clearly in all relationships
• don’t tolerate emotional abuse or disrespect from anyone
• know when a problem belongs to someone else
• allow others to define their own Bs & limits
• move carefully, thoughtfully, step-by-step into intimacy
• develop appropriate trust, based on current reality (what we know about them)

• share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship
• have an equal partnership & expect reciprocity in close relationships —sharing responsibility & power
• allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment
• are ok with others having intense emotions, without having to fix them
• have respect for others — don’t take advantage of someone’s generosity  AND don’t let others take advantage of ours

NEXT: Part 2: Mental & Physical Boundaries

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. outfromunder
    Jan 26, 2014 @ 21:21:39

    Thanks. A question if I may.
    How can I allow others to own what’s theirs and not have expectations of outcomes (I see this as an Alanon Step 1, knowing I’m powerless over others, I can’t control them so “let go or be dragged”) — but then “not tolerate” abuse from them?
    Can you give examples of when and how we “not tolerate” or lay down the law?
    Thanks

    Reply

  2. dmtorbi
    Jan 27, 2014 @ 00:28:37

    Thanks for your comments.
    We can’t allow others to own what’s theirs – they have to do that. Possible phrases: “What you just said does not apply to me”. “What you want (xyz) is not right for me”. “Don’t talk to me that way” etc.
    Re. not tolerating abuse, we can keep saying “That’s not OK / not acceptable…..”
    If they continue – we have to end our connection with them

    Reply

  3. Sandy
    Jun 25, 2014 @ 06:26:37

    If our emotions don’t cause other’s emotions then why is it that a child of an abusive father is terrified when he is angry? His emotional state causes fear in another person without him even touching the child. There is anticipation of pain and fear of what might happen because of the past. Essentially, person As emotions are causing person B’s emotions.

    Reply

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