I’M SAFE IN MY IVORY TOWER –
so you can’t touch me
PREVIOUS: Blamer Role
3. COMPUTERS (a Twisted form of Intellect)
Style: About 15% of the population uses this defense
✶ At first glance they may seem to be poised & self-assured, but do NOT mistake them for someone who is centered, grounded & calm – if they were, they would radiate presence, warmth, & compassion. Instead, Computers make others feel put off, not understood, cold, alone
• they are always very correct, very reasonable, very logical & under control – called Mr Cool or Star Trek’s Mr Spock by NPL-ers. They focus on & prefer context while removing the human element
• don’t show emotions, seem like machines, are detached, talk in a monotone or in a dry delivery – never letting anyone know what they think or are up to, afraid to make a mistake or not know something
• often make value judgments without indicating whose opinion it is, which implies that naturally everyone would agree
• they never commit to a definite position, giving no hint of what they really feel or want
• always thinking or evaluating, holding back, reserved, self-protective
• continually in teaching mode OR withdrawn in contemplation
• deflect any responsibility, always dissociated from what’s going on around them, deny the value of everything except ‘facts’ & logical decisions
• can sound like a dictionary, need to use the ‘right’ words as buffers to hide their inner feelings: generalize, omit/ delete parts of thoughts, use long abstract words, speak in the third person (“Someone needs to do it”)….. especially when questioned or confronted
• unfortunately considered an ideal for men, who are discouraged to experience & express emotions, so they work hard to appear super-cool on the outside, even if they’re churning like mad on the inside. Good for accountants & bureaucrats
Energetic Description (by Dr. Bulbrook)
• block out others & the context they are in by creating interpretable boundaries. Spiritually unavailable, or undeveloped with holes
• Potential harm to receiver: the shielding energy of the Computer is so strong there seems to be no way to have an even exchange of energy. Another’s opinion is not heard or over ridden without considering their input.
Statements: “I am ultra-reasonable, calm, cool, and collected & I have all the answers” , “Rational thinking is superior to feeling” , “Say the right words, show no feeling, don’t react” , “Perhaps we should take a moment to step back and review the situation”
Stance: use auditory digital cues (which is ‘analytical disconnected language’: Talk to themselves / learn things by making sense of them / experience tension in neck and shoulders / can take on characteristics of other types)
body square on or maybe tilted back a little, resting on rear leg
• head level, eyebrows slightly pulled in, in arms crossed with one supporting the other, which is under the chin propping up head (like the ‘Thinker’ statue).
sitting rigidly, not moving a muscle – pushing away feelings & people
physically isolating themselves from an issue
Gain Power: by pretending to know it all & making the audience seem dumb. Similar to Blamers since they both stress their superiority over others.
Aim: to provoke envy so others will ally with them and for others to see them as strong (& therefore not feel so weak)
Reacting to a Computer: (via NLP) if you use a blamer or placating stance, they will switch to Blamer or Placater. Then you can recalibrate. The Distracter stance usually makes them worse
Reality: Computers feel exposed when showing emotions, maybe because they have a hard time controlling them, & were probably shamed, blamed or emotionally overwhelmed as kids for having feelings.
When stressed, Computers resort to logic to avoid being emotional. They desperately try for a sense security by intellectualizing everything, to stop from falling apart if a real emotion ever broke thru
Negative: • bore people to numbness by pontificating & using abstract language
• assumed to be cold-hearted & insensitive. In close relationships, they can’t connect emotionally, can’t give love or provide other personal needs – causing many problems & ending up isolated
• Male Computers frustrate any attempt women make to communication emotionally, & just can’t understand why “she’s getting so upset when I’m being so reasonable!”
NEXT: Satir’s DISTRACTER Role