I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING,
& of course I can!
Originally presented in:
IF ONLY MY FAMILY UNDERSTOOD ME,
by Don Wegscheider, 1979
❧ HERO Role
GOAL
Provide the damaged family with some self-respect & a semblance of stability, shifting the focus from parental failure to the child’s successes
PURPOSE
For Self: to make order out of the chaos, feel useful, make a home they can bear to be in, keep anyone from killing themselves or going crazy. Believe that if they’re perfect, the ‘sick’ parent will be cured
For Family: to make the family look good & seem ‘normal’ to the outside world, acting as if the rigid roles don’t exist, to prevent anyone seeing their severe dysfunctionality. They want to bring a measure of esteem to the family through their accomplishments
BIRTH ORDER: Usually is the oldest child, or the oldest male or oldest female
IN SCHOOL : Get superior grades, teacher’s pet, sports star/ Valedictorian or Prom Queen, classmate will admire, be very jealous of or try to get help from them, are involved in several extracurricular activities at once
FAMILY TREATMENT
Highly regarded & clung to in order to conform to the dysfunctional rules & to ‘do the right thing” (may or may not be praised directly). The child who is held up as a shining example to prove what good parents & good people they are, the one that relatives dote on
ACTIONS /STYLE
Personal:
Extreme need to be in control of everything, great fear of making mistakes, intellectualize, disregard emotions, are inflexible & perfectionists
In the Family:
Keep everything functioning (do laundry, fix meals, mind the smaller kids…. ) & generally compensate for sick, drunk, depressed, crazy or missing parent’s inability to cope. Ignore the real issues
Social:
Appear to be highly successful, self-sufficient & well-adjusted, seen by non-family adults as trustworthy, conscientious, mature & capable. Have good relationships with authority figures, volunteer often, over-involved in activities & with everyone else’s business, are a know-it-all, may have lots of friends, pets & ‘needy projects’
DEFENSES
Main one: Denial. Overly: serious, mature & responsible, achieving; very dependent of outside approval & work hard to get it, feel special/ superior, don’t need anyone, compulsive @ cleaning, gathering info, appearance, career….
DEFICITS
• difficulty with: being a follower, taking suggestions, advice, asking for help, relaxing, having fun, being spontaneous
• Not allowed to be weak, needy, scared, vulnerable, helpless
BELIEFS
FROM: “I must stay in control of my feelings”.
“ If I don’t do it, no one will.”
“If I don’t do this, something bad will happen, or things will get worse.”
TO: “I am of value just ‘being’, not only from ‘doing’
“If I don’t do it, someone else will & that’s OK’
“If I don’t do it, it’ll be done differently & that’s OK”
EMOTIONS
Confusion, loneliness, guilt, hurt, anger. Extreme feelings of shame, & show it by controlling, perfectionism & compulsivity
COST TO SELF
Have to take on the parent’s roles & responsibilities at a young age AND be self-sufficient (“10 going on 40”), feel ‘old’ & burdened as a child.
Denial of a wide range of emotions, an intense feeling of inadequacy – fear of being found out as a ‘fraud’, & an over-all sense of failure – mainly for not being able to fixed the family problems
PARENTS CAN HELP CHILD
To: lessen need to be perfect, develop the courage to be imperfect, decrease the need to be responsible for everyone , learn to concentrate on self instead of accomplishments (Being vs Doing)
By: Stress the value & enjoyment of cooperation & sharing, learn to value self, help them learn to accept failure gracefully (without feeling like a personal failure)
AS ADULTS
• are rigid, controlling, compulsive, driven & extremely judgmental of others & secretly of themselves (although they may have learned to be subtle about it)
• develop ‘better’ lifestyle than family, make lots of money, master a profession, totally invested in attaining & maintaining success at all cost, get lots of positive attention but are sure they’re going to be ‘found out’
• marry an alcoholic or other ‘problem’ type they can continue to focus on,
are cut off from their inner emotional life & True Self, while feeling deeply inadequate & insecure
• secretly know something’s ‘rotten in Denmark’, but have the hardest time admitting there’s anything that needs healing. Will only get help to give up Hero role when they become emotionally overwhelmed & physically ill from years of stress, have severe substance abuse themselves or when some tragedy breaks thru the denial
Adult RECOVERY NEEDS
• learn to ask for & take what is needed, accept ‘failure’ / imperfections (occasionally) to relax, just BE
• let go of need to control & develop ability to listen, follow, be flexible, relax & have fun
STRENGTHS
Caring, nurturing, thoughtful, attentive, good listener to others’ woes
• Focused, responsible, self-disciplined, goal oriented, organized, decisive
• Have leadership qualities, can be successful, initiator, loyal, good at motivating themselves & others, study & work hard to achieve
NEXT: PLACATER Role
May 30, 2011 @ 22:38:55
I had briefly sought out a professional to help me untangle my past but I had to stop seeing going due to personal circumstances. Despite that I have been methodically attempting to do the work on my “own”.
A number of your posts, even these recent “role” posts have tended to spawn the equivalent of an itchy mental rash. I’ve been scratching and using salves with limited success ….
But lately I have been floored by some MACK truck sized epiphanies. I feel buoyant and clear. Hard to explain but I know good when I feel it, LOL
I thought I would share and express my thanks.
May 31, 2011 @ 04:08:08
That’s great ! I know how wonderful those ‘aha’ moments are! & yes, you’re experiencing ‘knowledge is power’ & the relief & clarity that comes with it.