LOST CHILD Family Role

 

I’M INVISIBLE,
& they like it like that!

Previous:  The Scapegoat

❧ LOST CHILD
GOAL
Provide relief for the family – sacrificing their identity & desires to give parents one less thing to worry about

PURPOSE
For Self: hide from the chaos, from the physical & emotional abuse (under a table, in a closet, their room, the nearest library), avoid being responsible for anyone else…. by withdrawing into a fantasy world, making themselves very small & quiet
For Family: they relieve some stress by not causing an additional burden, provide privacy by not airing ‘dirty ‘laundry’, help family avoid serious problems by never mention alcohol, underlying roles or Recovery

BIRTH ORDER: 3rd or middle child

IN SCHOOL  :Loose themselves in school work, good grades, don’t want to participate, called the ‘space cadet’, geek, nerd….

FAMILY TREATMENT : Generally ignored, or considered a ‘blessing’ for not expressing needs.  Last child parents will think to get help for because they go unnoticed

ACTIONS /STYLE
• Socially Acceptable :  Pleasant when spoken to, quiet & unassuming, don’t call attention to self, have opinions but don’t express them, never make waves or demands
• Socially Awkward:   Distant, ill at ease with others, uncomfortable when focus is put on them, little or no expression of emotions.  Hide out to not be a bother. Strong attachments to animals & things instead of people, sometimes with one close friend but often none. May have confusion or conflicts about their sexual identity and functioning

DEFENSES
• quiet, aloof, ‘invisible’, super-independent, depressed/ suicidal, feel easily rejected while always staying aloof, deny getting upset
• use chemicals, food, porn…. to dull the pain, so become addicts, can be overweight, bulimic or anorectic….
• drift thu life with no little or ambition so may be under-employed or obsessed with one ‘big’ goal (realistic or not, productive or not)
• day-dreamers – buried in books, internet, religion / spirituality, creative mental pursuits, keep a diary, draw, listen to music, watch TV
• may try to get attention indirectly by getting sick, having asthma, allergies, or by bed-wetting

DEFICITS
• poor communication skills, unable or unwilling to initiate (passive), have hard time seeing choices / options, tend to lack direction, afraid of making decisions
• give up self-needs & the possibility of asking for or being offered help,  follow without questioning, easily bullied & made fun of, avoid professional help

BELIEFS:  
From: “Why should I feel? It’s better I  don’t”
“If I don’t get emotionally involved, I won’t get hurt”
“I can’t make a difference anyway”
“It is best to not draw attention to yourself”
TO: “I deserve attention”
“I do make a difference, I am of value & people will value me”
“If I don’t get emotionally involved I’ll never have meaningful connections”

EMOTIONS :  Lonely, rejected, fearful, sad, suppress anger, hurt, depressed, show shame with procrastination & being the victim

COST TO SELF
Always feel different, like an outsider, don’t know how to get their needs / wants met, including need for personal connections, have social phobia so stay ignored & unappreciated, hard to get credit for abilities, feel suicidal

PARENTS CAN HELP CHILD
To: use creativity & imagination, be more social, express emotions, feel important, useful & valuable
By: giving private encouragement & praise, don’t criticize, encourage anything positive,  provide opportunities to be successful, include child in family process

AS ADULTS
• Unsociable: the most obvious isolators, withdrawn from life to hide from whatever will hurt or make them uncomfortable – which is almost everything.  Terrified of intimacy, they most often avoid connections all together
• attracted to any solitary work or careers where they don’t have to deal with people
• ’Sociable’: if in a relationship they’ll be noticeably unavailable in many ways, pick controlling Heroes or unpredictable chaotic Scapegoats or Mascots
•  If artistic, will be excellent actors, studying their parts carefully, glad to hide behind a fictional character
• Generally: when needing to make a commitment based on logical thinking, feel they have few options because growing up they just went along with whatever was going on, instead of think thru possible choices
• Without help: they’re indecisive, can’t say NO, have little or no passion, fun or zest, don’t change & grow, are always alone or promiscuous, die early

Adult RECOVERY NEEDS
• to reach out, deal with loneliness, face their pain, make a few deep relationships, give up victim position
• become a team player, practice flexibility, taking the initiative, making decisions, notice & use available options
• With help: they can express talents, creativity & imagination. Can become assertive, resourceful & independent (instead of isolated)

STRENGTHS
• work well alone, self-reliant, quiet,
• easy-going, understanding, patient, spiritually developed
• resourceful, creative, flexible, non-conformist, quirky sense of humor
• well-read, scholarly, good observer & listener

NEXT: Mascot Role

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