PROCESS – Recovery (Part 2)

 

RIGHT ACTION
makes life easier

PREVIOUS: PROCESS – Recovery (Part 1)

BOOKS:   “RECYCLES OF POWER” & “CYCLE OF LIFE”, by  Pam Levin

HEALTHY PROCESS  (cont.)
a. Awareness  (Part 1)
b. Acceptance

c. ACTIONS
i. What: Present-day behavior patterns
• based on real-world info & experience
• motivated by self-respect & permission to act on our own behalf
• the result of S & I – taking center stage in our own life
• considering our effect on others, without being codependent

ii. HOW:
• taking appropriate risks, then observing the results
• learning by trial & error, & never giving up
• always looking for possible, appropriate options
• considering realistic consequences
• asking for, gathering & using a variety of help

iii. WHO: Definitely from the Healthy Adult &/or Good Parent
• H.A. – the competent, objective part of us that has accumulated knowledge & experience about ourselves & the world
• G.P. – the mature care-taking part of us that has both kindness & boundaries, patience & limits, is compassionate but realistic

vi. Like:
• do things for our own growth, not just for others
• stop to decide what to say or do, before ‘jumping’ ( not reacting)
• choose activities that are pleasurable but not self-destructive
• NOT using activities as a cover up for self-hate, loneliness, avoidance of painful emotions & relationship difficulties
• act. based on our needs & in accordance with spiritual beliefs

• based on sound planning, & knowing our current limitations
• consider both the ‘price’ & rewards of our actions
• sometimes NO action is the best option
• some act. need to be repeated many times, to be effective
• learn timing – don’t force or try to control, but don’t wait too long; don’t try to do too much at the same time or schedule things too close together
• always give ourselves, & others, enough time to get things done

RECOVERY – 2 major ways to change our actions:
1. Do the opposite of our old behavior patterns (“Healthy Opposites” post).  The trick is knowing what rational, healthy opposites are
2. Doing the same activity for an opposite reason.  The basic issue here is motive. This is even trickier, unless we are clear what our reasons are for our actions. And, others may not understand, so will sometimes give us a hard time, or walk away frustrated & disgusted.

EXP:  We may repeat an old behavior: staying in bed a lot, sleeping longer than usual, spending more time alone than with others (assuming we’re not physically ill), eating ‘family type’ foods
Old Motivation: To escape, to not feel old pain, not deal with difficult life situations, fear of ‘people, places & things’

Healthy Motivation (same action, new reason)
• to recover from re-experiencing deep emotional trauma (childhood pain)
• to process a major stressor in the present (death, divorce, moving, marriage, a baby, new job, a fire…)
• OR too many things happening at once we have little control over
• recover from an attack from the Introject, when we’re doing well
• catch up on a lot of positive, new input, internally or externally …..
• resting up after a big event (wedding, surgery, travel….)

➼ AND: IF we can NOT take some positive actions we would like to – YET – we can practice patience -  keep working at it & never give up!

NEXT: Rebellion vs Compliance

PROCESS – ACoA Version

  

WHO NEEDS PROCESS?
I’ll just jump to the end. Much faster & less hassle!

Previous: Autonomy & Attachment (Part 2)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for Abbrev.

Review posts: “Toxic Beliefs”, “Why Are You Stuck?” , “Risk”

ACoAs HATE process!
Process is the practical HOW TO of living well, which is something ACoAs barely learned, or not at all. As kids, our parents (& others) either expected us to know what to do automatically (read their mind?) OR we were told what to do, angrily, but never HOW to get there: ‘behave, make us proud, always look good, never mess up, learn a skill, go to college, be a good son or daughter / student / Christian…’

However, they:
• were not good role models for us to copy  (incompetent, drunk, controlling, bossy, weak, procrastinating, fearful – or just unavailable / absent)
• never took the time to show us how things are done (even if they could do it well)
• wouldn’t let us help them do things (we thought it meant we were hopelessly inept – even of we were only 6 or 10, or maybe a teen…)
• IF they did try, they either gave us incomplete or incorrect info,  or didn’t help us figure out the process of doing it, expecting too much, while getting frustrated & angry with us for not getting it right away, & ended up disgusted & abusive

Did I mentioned? ACoAs HATE process & will do anything to avoid it, including not even notice we’re avoiding it!  We want to get THERE as fast as we can, like yesterday. We’ll see why.   SO – what is it? Simple: A series of action steps or growth stages, between where we are now & where we want to be, and is made up of T.E.A.

HERE ——->/——->/——->/——->/——->/——–> GOAL
The overall procedure is a series of A – Actions.  Each step along the way also has 2 major aspects: T – (thoughts) ie. Information & E – emotions.

1. PROBLEMS : This looks simple, no? But nothing is simple for us!
a. HERE: It’s best to know where we’re starting from. Seems obvious? Well, not always for ACoAs. We’re often either in lala or in self-hate about our current status. What’s needed is a simple but clear assessment of our strengths, weaknesses AND outside resources/ support.  (pgs 77-79 on SiteMap : “Chart for Problem Solving”)
So we ask: QUO VADIS? (Where are you going?)

b. The GOAL: Another hitch. Because -
• many of us don’t know what we want, need, like, feel… so how can we have goals?
• we’re not allowed to think for ourselves & about ourselves, without interference, so we deny knowing what goals we may have
• some of our goals are only those we were programmed to  take on

• some of us have very clear goals & strong desires – BUT
– are not allowed to pursue them (form the IT)
– the IC is too terrified of failing or losing,  if we try
• other of our goals come from the Wounded I.C. & are not realistic, within our capacity or just plain unhealthy. If we focus on a goal that’s not feasible, then we’ll never achieve it, which will just add to our sense of abandonment &  self-hate. So we have to think it thru’ carefully.  ( “Decision Making Types”)

c. The STEPS: Next problem -
• we don’t know what the steps are for many types of process
• we want to skip steps we can’t handle or don’t know, instead of asking for help
• we didn’t see our family go thru stages of process, so don’t even know what it ‘looks like’
• we were expected to be little adults (so they wouldn’t have to be real adults) – forced to skip the process of normal childhood developmental growth stages.  So we think that’s how it’s done (ACoAs get their MSW first, & their Birth Certificate later in life!)

Each step, or component is made up of:
 c1. Information (facts) – like: how to make a resume, how to fill out forms or how to think thru a problem. ACoAs are VERY smart, but we’re a human version of HAL, in ‘2001’.  Think: data crystals fitted into millions of slots in our processing core – some are missing, many are there but corrupted & others are in perfect working order BUT they’re not linked to the recognition software! ie. – we don’t OWN all the good & accurate things we DO KNOW!  Even so, ACoAs are avid learners, book junkies, always searching, trying  to figure out how ‘normal’ people function. So this point is more manageable.  We can easily find info, especially now, on the net.

c2. Emotions – mainly FEAR (anxiety) like: when we have to do cold-calling, interviewing, talking to a stranger at an event…. This is the real sticking point.
• OLD: we bring with us from childhood so many painful experiences, which never got validated or processed, so now we have a deep well of terror – which we project out on to anything that seems hard, in the present
• CURRENT: we also have a huge rolodex of negative beliefs in our head we brought with us from our family & our many painful experiences. We obsessively say them over & over, insuring that we won’t be able to take any actions. These toxic beliefs add to the terror we already carry.

Negative thinking  (CDs) creates high anxiety!  It’s not just the old fear that cause us problems. It’s what we’re believing right now that’s scaring us!

NEXT:  Healthy PROCESS (Part 1)

REPLACING the Negative INTROJECT

I HAVE THE POWER, ALREADY -
to defend my WIC from the NI / PP!

PREVIOUS :  Introject – Bad Voice (Part 2)

NOTE: ‘IT’ has been changed to NI (= Pig Parent or Bad Voice)

To HEAL & GROW – the TWO major goals are :
❦ Develop a strong, clear voice of our own, that we can follow – to be comfortable & even successful, in all parts of our life
❦  FORM a brand new POSITIVE INTROJECT, which can be developed from several external sources. The purpose is to ‘take in’ the new way of seeing ourselves, so we can emotionally self-sustaining, rather than being endlessly dependent on others to feel OK.

We can disconnect from the Negative Introject (NI) by developing our own identity (S & I), which we can do with help:
• get external acknowledgement & then continue internal validation of what we went thru as kids, & what many of us still ‘choose’ to put up in the present, so that the PP can’t fool us any more
• use that validation to be in touch with our pain, rage & sorrow at the original abuse, so we’re not wasting energy in denial

• clearly identify what that bad voice is telling us & then counter it
• thoroughly ‘get’ that it’s abusive & therefore harmful to us
• actively practice disobedience of & disbelief in the NI!

• continually work at diminishing our self-hate
• believe in our right to have needs, opinions & dreams
• learn what our own healthy, intuitive, inborn voice is saying, listening to and acting on that instead of to the PP

• gradually separate our Inner Child’s dependency on the bad voice &
transfer it’s loyalty to our developing Healthy Inner Parent/ Adult self, by always be the Good Parent to our Inner Child
• develop strong boundaries in our relationship with others, rather than walls, especially with anyone who treats us like our family
• have the courage to SAY NO to unhealthy & unsuitable people

Then we can have Compassion for the NI / PP, WITHOUT OBEYING IT, because we won’t need it anymore. We’ll have (be) our own Good Parent.

Distancing from the NI
• We can tell the NI to drop dead, leave us the **** alone, shut up in there!….OR
• We can try to sooth the bad voice by validating it’s pain / fear… and telling it we understand its pain, that it will not be harmed by anything positive we’re doing for ourselves, BUT without agreeing with it
• Or, don’t respond at all – ignore it.  Talk to your WIC instead, soothing & comforting him / her. The better your connection with the kid, the less power the PP will have.
The PP will try to fight for its life, but if we consistently take good care of ourselves, eventually it’ll get quieter & fade, even if it’s still there in the far background.
EXP:
✓ IF WE - tried to protect one parent from the other, because the victim parent was too weak to stand up for themselves; OR if one parents left, or died
❇ Then we became the replacement punching bag, or spouse-substitute, or tried protecting the weaker parent or sibling by magical thinking…
• So we are still attached to that role & reproduce in current relationships

❇ NOW we need to give our parents back to each other. It was THEIR relationship, their marriage, their loss… SAY: “Dad/Mom, You’re not my mate. I give you back to him/her to deal with. I have my own life to live & it was never my job.”
– OR -
✓ IF WE - took on a depressed parent’s suicidal feelings (even if they never acted on them directly)
❇ Then we became suicidal, form love and a child’s magical belief that we could then keep them alive…
• So we do self-destructive things, or find other physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually dangerous people or situations to hurt us

❇ NOW we need to give him / her back the responsibility for their own life, so we don’t have to act on their wish to escape. We don’t have to kill ourselves.

In RECOVERY – we need to gradually shed all the damage picked up from our family members which we still carry, out of love & loyalty to them, but which is NOT OUR baggage.  Once we can identify what’s our & what’s theirs, we can say daily mantras to let go, & do visualizations to shed that burden. PACK UP what’s theirs. Then mentally go up to each person & return it – lay the box or bag at their feet AND walk away!

To develop a POSITIVE INTROJECT, all the sources need be emotionally healthy – validating, supportive, positive, intelligent, spiritual & patient. They can be:
• a loving family member, if there is one
• any appropriate 12-step Program, rehab, workshops…
• a knowledgeable psychotherapist, & perhaps group therapy
• helpful books & literature (psychological & spiritual)

• our Higher Power, spiritual or religious teachers/ leaders, if suitable
• successful well-known people, as role models & inspiration
• craneo-sacral & other knowledgeable body workers, nutritionist…
• good friends, a supportive mate, caring adult children, AND pets
• business partners, clients, acquaintances – who value your abilities /etc.

It’s appropriate & healthy for us to TAKE IN all positive feedback from outside sources (if it’s accurate & realistic), to counter the negative voice AND as an internal support system we can carry with us, in any circumstance. This is a form of healthy mirroring.

Make the effort to not let your WIC get overwhelmed by how much there is to sort out in Recovery. Like with any new skill – it takes knowledge, guidance, time & practice. We need to identify what characteristics & beliefs are ‘their’ & what’s ours. When we identify overlaps that are acceptable to our True Self, we can own those qualities – without the accompanying toxic elements – & so without fear or judgment.

NEXT:

HOW to TRUST

 

IF I PAY ATTENTION
I’ll know who to trust!

PREVIOUS: Being Trustworthy

LIE DETECTING
• Being a trusting person is based on having a relatively healthy inner self we can depend on to correctly evaluate our environment & be able to identify how people, places or things make us feel emotionally & physically.
• It does not mean being naive, a patsy or unrealistic, which is Over-T.
• While some of us are naturally better at reading body language & have higher social intelligence, others have to work at it, but it can be accomplished
• When we first meet people we can’t know if they’re going to be honest, dishonest or some mix.  With exposure, over time, we will be able to tell if someone is reliable, & we can also take note of things like verbal inconsistencies & physical cues of lying or evading.

Interesting: Nancy Carter and J. Mark Weber surveyed a group of MBA students in Toronto & found that 85% believed cynical people (low-trusting) are better at detecting liars. Carter & Weber, 2010 then filmed people in fake job interviews, half of whom were told to include some lies. These videos were then shown to the original students.  To everyone’s surprise it was the high-trusting participants (not acoa-type over-trusters) who had the best lie-detecting scores – they were the most sensitive to deceit, noticing physical give-aways like fidgeting & changes in voice tone & pitch.  The cynics scored the worst, more often ‘hiring’ the participants who had lied – which shows that using skepticism as a defense can be a handicap!

This suggests:
• that even tho low-trusters will usually assume others are lying to them – perhaps as a project of their own tendency to lie – they are not very good at actually spotting when others are being dishonest
• because high-trusters are better at spotting lies, they are less fearful of being duped, making it easier for them to be comfortable in the world & take social risks. Also, when people are predisposed to trusting others, in general, they are perceived by others to be trustworthy (MORE… )

PRACTICAL TRUST comes from assessing other people’s:
a. Ability – base your expectations on some proof that the other person has the knowledge & ability to function in a way that meets your needs or requirements
EXP: Check their credential & references, give a trial period & then re-evaluate, ONLY ask them for what you KNOW they have to offer from first-hand experience or reliable sources

b. Integrity – how well the other person keeps to the principles that are acceptable to you AND that you’ve mutually agreed on, including:
• meaning what they say
• a history of follow-thru
• honoring standards of legality, fairness, excellence…..
(This may still require a written contact, to cover unforeseen future changes or difficulties)
EXP:  — your spouse keeping their promise of fidelity
– the company you work for providing all their stated commitments
– the contractor does the remodeling job, & for the price quoted

c. Respect/Caring – developed over time, so you know that the person:
• is concerned enough about your welfare to either be of help, or at least not get in your way, OR
• has your best interest at heart & their motives are ‘clean’, OR
• will do anything they can (appropriately) to be there for you, thru thick or thin, while still taking care of themselves

EXPRESSIONS of Trusting SAFE people
BY HAVING THE:
• ‘Trust’ glue or cement of good relationships that allows your True Self to flourish
• Inner sense of acceptance you have with a person who you can share secrets with, because they’re safe
• Sense that things are fine between you so that, come what may, nothing can disrupt the bond you have with each other
• Ability to let others into your life & build relationships based on mutual respect, caring and concern – allowing both to grow & mature independently
• Emotional health to be vulnerable enough to rely on appropriate others – giving them the opportunity to treat you in a fair, open & honest way

BEING ABLE TO:
• Let others know your feelings, emotions & reactions, while having the confidence in them to respect you & not take advantage
• Share your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief – from experience – that they won’t spread them indiscriminately
• Place confidence in the right people so that they can be supportive & reinforcing, even when you’re exposing weaknesses
• Assume that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake
• Open yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns and mistakes with the assurance that they will not ostracize you because of these things

NEXT: Rebuilding Trust

WHY ARE YOU STUCK?

 

SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY
Take the same old actions – get the same old results!

PREVIOUS: SITE MAP of AC0A website

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

WHY
There may be several reasons why ACoAs are stuck. Here we’re concerned with the many Negative Beliefs* we carry with us from our childhood experience.
✶ Our fear is strong & pervasive, but the main cause for that in the present is what we are THINKING! Change that & we’re free!  NOT being able to pursue & reach our needs & desires is caused by intense inner conflict between what we consciously desire VS the family rules coming from the Introject (bad parent voice), which is whispering or screaming at the WIC (wounded inner child), resulting in Self-Hate

• OBEYING the Toxic Beliefs guarantees that we stay trapped, continually failing, feeling more & more hopeless, even suicidal. BUT, they are so much a part of us, we may not even know that we’re being coerced by ideas that were created for us (deliberately or not, it doesn’t matter). To get UNSTUCK – we need to know & own these self-destructive Rules, counter them & then slowly change our actions, ie. Only follow the New Rules!

IRONICALLY, these old beliefs are very hard to give up, because:
• the Inner Child actually believes them!
• following them represents loyalty to our family
GIVING them up would mean:
• getting in touch with the PAIN of our damage
• seeing what we missed out on (a loving, healthy family)
• having to give up what we thought was our ‘identity’ (our False Self & one or more Roles)
• having to become our own person (S & I), grow up emotionally, make our own choices, be responsible for ourselves & our actions  – stop waiting to be rescued.

BELOW is one FORM to use whenever you want to know what’s going on in your head – what toxic beliefs are keeping you from getting what you want in life (separately for each topic or issue that is bothering or confusing you), AND another FORM to make your corrections

➼ Please DON’T just say “I don’t understand this”, or “I don’t know how to do it” & give up.  That is mainly resistance, even if you’ve never done this particular exercise before.  Anyone who has read self-help books & done therapy will definitely be able to fill these out, given some thought, but even if you never have, you can always ask for help from someone who knows you well.  Don’t worry if your answers are similar each time you use the forms. That’s to be expected.

START by identifying a problem you want to correct OR a goal you want to achieve, but have not been able to, so far. Suggested ‘Issues’ -  What‘s stopping me from:
• starting a new career?  • looking for a new job ?  • leaving a harmful relationship?  • standing up for myself?  • letting go of my damage?  • cleaning up my apartment?  • studying  my artistic passion? …

1. FORM A – What is familiar: using T.E.A. (our Thoughts, Emotions & Actions), to ‘hear’ the damaged part of our thinking
•  Column 1. “Emotions” can be filled in right away if you are very upset & know what you are feeling, otherwise–
– go to Column 2, filling in as many negative thoughts as you can (one for each category is ok if that’s all you can think of). Make sure you separate out what you’re thinking about yourself VS what you’re saying about others (projecting)

•  If you left the first column empty, now add any emotions you have become aware of that relate to your beliefs about this topic
• Then list the ways you ACT in response to your negative beliefs

2. FORM B – What is possible: Reversing thoughts & patterns of behavior will modify fear & greatly improve your experiences in life.
Use the same procedure as for Form A. but change the harmful beliefs to HEALTHY, positive & hopeful ones, & then keep the list with you at all times so you can review & internalize them

• Based on that -  you can practice changing you ACTIONS, starting in small ways, whenever you can. Plan ahead how you’re gong to change an old pattern & try it out.
• In this case the Emotions column is last because you may not know how you feel until you try our new behaviors & get some positive results. Don’t be surprised if you have uncomfortable emotions as well as happy ones.  Those will come from your WIC and/or PP.  Just let them be. Comfort your kid, tell the pig parent (introject) to leave your kid alone, & focus on enjoying the relief & pleasure of living well (the best revenge!).

Sample PROBLEM :
“Why can’t I make & keep friends / lovers / bosses who are healthier, compatible & supportive??”

You may need help from a therapist, friend, sponsor or healer – to IDENTIFY the NEGATIVE and POSITIVE beliefs. Don’t be ashamed to ask!

MAKE several BLANK copies of these 2 FORMS,  and try it out on one of YOUR issues

HEALTHY RISK

RISK IS NOT A DIRTY WORD!
as long as I’m realistic

PREVIOUS: Risk – averse vs addicted
REVIEW posts: ‘Book-ending’ with the IC/ ‘What to DO when confused’ / ‘Weak Decision making styles’

COMMENTS
Risk of any kind usually entails some type of action (T.E.A). Average-functioning people, when deciding what to do – ahead of time or in the moment – use some kind of thought process, even if they only have a few seconds to consider.
Thinking it thru includes:
– considering your aspirations – hopes, dreams AND level of ambition
– the short or long-term goal
– having the skill or knowledge needed to at least try
– knowing your expectations (to succeed or to fail)
– weighing pros & cons of the situation
– considering the possible consequences, both for oneself, & in terms of  what is socially acceptable
– “how important is it”! (whether to push or not)

• However, many ACoAs do not use realistic thinking in evaluating Risk -  it’s either faulty or missing. Anxiety pushes some to act impulsively (R-addicted), & terror holds others back from even trying (R-averse). Which type you are is based on your native personality & how you reacted to constant chaos & abuse as a kid.

• ACoAs are trained to be perfectionist – only our actions counted in the family & we could never be good enough – so nothing satisfied them. Even raising our hand in class can be too much of a risk. What is we don’t know the answer? What if we’re made fun of?
Now we’re bound to fail or become paralyzed from setting the bar for every accomplishment so high for ourselves –
– that we can’t possible reach it (such as – make everyone like us!)
– because we don’t know what’s realistic, or consider our current reality
– we’re trying to fulfill someone else’s dreams or demands, not ours
– it might be reachable if we had reasonable self-esteem & ‘permission’
– we could reach it if we cut each task down into small enough chunks!

Sadly, to the outside world this looks like we don’t set the bar high enough, so we may be labeled as lazy, stupid or crazy. We are NOT. It’s our terror (E) & CDs that stop us or make us do the wrong things.

SCIENCE: When it comes to taking actions, animals & people can generally be divided into the ‘sitters’ & the ‘rovers’. In our culture it’s the “Just do it” (Action) vs. the “Look before you leap” (Thinking) people. We are born more one than the other, but when mixed with our damage gives us the averse or addictive types. Each native style has it’s advantages & disadvantages depending on the circumstances & neither should look down their noses at the other!  (More info & examples….)

➼ Mini-Inventory – start by owning your natural propensity. List the ways it has helped or hindered you & why. Consider how sometimes acting from the opposite style would be to your advantage, when used appropriately. List the ways you could practice doing some things in your life from that other perspective. Try them out & see what happens.

HEALTHY RISK
Healthy risk-taking, like all other aspects of mental health – is rooted in balance. What are you trying to achieve in each situation? It takes knowledge (T) & experience (A) to know what we want & then practice various ways to get it. Finding a balance between considering all the possible outcomes (T) & just taking a leap of faith (A) requires knowing ourselves & also how the real world works.

Appropriate risk-taking is:
• necessary to move forward in any aspect of our life. Do something.
• NOT about perfectionism (a form of self-hate)
• usually not physically dangerous, AND not as emotionally dangerous as our inner child (& introject) think it will be
Healthy risks are:
• mostly smaller ones (like: making cold calls, talking to a stranger at an ‘event’, asking for help)
• occasionally bigger ones (like: moving to a different state, changing careers, getting a divorce…)
• evaluated for realistic advantages & disadvantages

Carefully evaluate:
• which negative extreme we habitually come from, & exactly what would be a middle ground, to swing to the opposite unhealthy side
• where we are emotionally on our path, based on self-knowledge & guidance from healthy people, to decide what changes we can handle & what’s too much, for now

• who can help us over a hump (of fear): ask a safe friend to sit with you, go with you, let you be at their place… while you try a new, scary action
• think through the consequences of our actions, not using self-hate or co-dependence or fear of abandonment (FoA) as a guide line (pg. 52)

• seriously consider the consequences – to you – of not taking any action
• try out something small & see what happens. It may turn our OK or great. If it doesn’t, figure out what the problem is & try something else.

One of the benefits AND joys of healthy risk-taking is finding out that POSITIVE outcomes are possible, when guided by our ‘UNIT’ (Healthy Adult & Loving Parent) rather than by the WIC or PP.  Using the tool of Book-Ending with your Inner Child is one way to find out what’s possible & what’s not. The following is the abbreviated version. (Read posts on B-E)

MOST IMP: No matter the outcome – catch & stop any form of self-hate. ONLY Acceptance, Acceptance, Acceptance

NEXT:  ACoAs & Acceptance

ACoAs & RISK – AVERSE & ADDICTED

 

DANGER IS MY MIDDLE NAME!
Don’t bore me with your caution

PREVIOUS: RISK  – Intro

 

1. RISK-AVERSE
In terms of T.E.A., while risk is primarily about Actions, there is a type that fits into the Emotion & Thinking categories – the risk of personal growth, with the consequences of:
T. – internally letting go of the Negative Introject, which is our addiction & attachment to our family (giving up our denial)
E. – being able to tolerate the painful emotions what surface in the process of letting go, both from re-experiencing pent-up old pain, as well as facing being hurt by current family judgment & abuse for ‘leaving them’ ie. upsetting the family mobile by changing the dysfunctional dynamics.
A. ….& the action: sometimes having to distance ourselves from actual family members & dealing with the possible fallout

• This category of risk-aversion is called resistance. It’s NOT:
– opening up, emotionally, in the right places, in order to heal and grow (“You’re only as sick as your secrets”
– being willing to feel ones feelings, deal with ones damage…
So, without any Recovery or without deep FoO work – it’s expressed in by being anorexic, not necessarily with food but in many other areas of life. We prevent ourselves from taking in all the good things available to us.
The #1 reason for not risking very much is to keep up the fantasy / demand that someone else will eventually rescue us from having to grow up & be responsible for ourselves.

SOME ACoAs are :
a. MORE risk-averse – hardly ever taking risks of any kind, living mainly as victims, who stay in menial or unfulfilling jobs most of their work life, stay closer to home, don’t try new things, don’t reach out…
b. LESS averse: There are also some who are more adventuresome in many ways, possibly in the ‘action’ category, but afraid to risk in other important areas, often emotional, or a combination. EXAMPLES –
NOT:
• speaking up for yourself, asking for your needs or preferences
• asking for help; making calls; responding to a Q which you know the answer to; talking to unfamiliar people
• setting boundaries or limits on what is acceptable behavior from others
NOT:
• avoiding people who are needy, users, leaches, abusers
• leaving a bad or outgrown relationship OR rarely or never being in one; having an adequate support system
NOT:
• having an adequate salary to live comfortably (under-earning), or greatly increasing your income
• pursuing a career passion or vocation which has been a long-held dream; taking classes to expand your world, ‘following your bliss‘
• starting over, somewhere else that’s more suitable to you
NOT:
• trying out new foods; changing personal style of clothes or hair when appropriate (with age…), improving your living conditions
• looking for new, better or easier ways to do things  —– etc.
• learning & then doing something creative, including ‘publishing’ it

Present-day REASONS
• can’t take center stage in our own life
• copying a parent’s life-long fear of risk
• obeying our personal toxic rules
• rebelling against family demands for success
• not wanting to lose the proof of their abuse
• not allowed to be visible, or out-shine them
also FEAR – of:
• abandonment, reprisals, punishment
• authority; not being perfect; not picking the right thing
• being a ‘laughing stock’
• being shown as incompetent (not knowing)
• dealing with competition
• having to deal with others’ jealousy
• not getting deepest desires, anyway
AND / OR
• we’ll have to face one’s childhood damage AND CHANGE!
• have to S & I (outgrow & out do unsuccessful family)
• may have to leave parent, friends, mate, children, job, addictions, locations…. if they prevent our growth
• have to deal with the discomfort of having good things & being successful, as an adult – which the WIC says it doesn’t know how to be
• then have to take more risky steps after that… maybe even scarier (like: write something, then publish, then promote, then…)

2. RISK-ADDICTED
Risk-junkies were just as terrorized growing up as the risk-averse, but their unconscious ‘defense of choice’ is to be counter-phobic, ie. so numb to the fear they carry, that they need a high degree of stimulation (danger) just to feel alive.

These ACoAs are more afraid of being still, of being quiet, of stopping long enough to hear their WIC voice of hysteria & feeling the panic, than dealing with all the outer dangers they put themselves in. The anxiety gets poured into:
• addictions, esp. those involving high risk (sex, illegal drugs…)
• any illegal careers (prostitution, drug & gun trafficking, murder…)
• compulsive activity (always having to be on the go), EVEN things like running across a street with heavy traffic, as the light is changing!!
• dangerous avocations (various sports…)
• dating/marrying dangerous people (addicts, felons, abusers…)
• high pressure jobs (some: lawyers, agents, sales people..)
• high-risk legal careers (police, military, boxing, firefighting…)

These potentially dangerous activities are often described by adrenalin addicts as fun, exciting, ‘the only way to live’… BUT like any addict, when forced to give up that lifestyle – they can experience:
• depression, feeling suicidal, hopeless
• feeling FLAT, that life’s boring, not worth it
• being unable to motivate themselves, in general
• great difficulty creating a new way to life that is both healthy and pleasurable

Fortunately, with recovery & doing ‘the work’ & sometimes the right medication – that misery will lift. We can pursue our dreams, without drama! Progress is it’s own re-enforcer.

NEXT: Healthy Risk

Mind-Reading vs. INTUITION (Part 2)

I JUST KNOW IT –
but I don’t have any proof

Review Part 1: Mind-reading

2. INTUITION
Intuition is a complex thing – but mostly it’s being tuned-in to the world around us – & beyond – so that we’re picking up info without any obvious source. For some it’s a gut feeling. For others it’s the universe giving them a gentle nudge. For still others it’s the answer to a prayer or a whisper from God.  Intuition is an innate survival tool, our inner compass and the tether connecting us to our environment. It doesn’t have to be supernatural – it is most often a subliminal accumulation of what others are saying, feeling or doing (their T,E,As) & storing it for future reference (see point d).
SO – Intuition is in us & comes from us, but is about everything outside of us – the opposite of Mind Reading.  ✶ When cultivated, it bypasses or counters certain of our ACoA damage!

a. In the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory, the second of 4 levels is Sensate vs Intuitive, which has to do with one’s style of gathering information about the world, and making decisions based on it.
• At one extreme are the Sensates (S) who need proof of everything, literal & practical, they prefer hands-on, here-&-now tangible experiences. They only believe what they can see & touch.  They are about 70% of the US population & are considered ‘hard-nosed’ by their opposites.
• At the other end are the Intuitives (N) who ‘just know’ – they look for meaning, possibilities & relationships among things (the gestalt). They like to put things in a theoretical framework, looking at things holistically, seeking the big picture. They comprise about 30% & are considered ‘flakes’ by the S.

✶ Not everyone functions at the extreme ends of this spectrum. But when 2 people in any kind of relationship DO, it is one of the most difficult discrepancies (of the 4 level) to overcome. They’ll never really ‘get’ each other.  It’s especially hard when an extreme S mother has a very N child – she will likely negate the child’s way of understanding its environment, making the child doubt its perceptions, even its sanity -  especially if the mother is also a narcissist.

b. As Children
• From birth, kids have a capacity for knowing and seeing things that many adults are unaware of. This is an important instinct for them, since they are so vulnerable and do not yet have language.  Infants mirror what we present to them, especially our emotions.  For example, when a mother takes a slow, deep breath each time she feels tension, either in herself or the infant, it teaches the baby to do the same. She’s creating & reinforcing the state of anxiety – without ever saying a word!
• Equally so, children who spend time contemplating & exploring their thoughts and feelings, without interference, develop self-awareness and the intuitive abilities that come from this inner knowledge.

•  Also, it’s the absorption quality of intuition, so highly developed in kids, which allows us to assimilate our parents’ inner feelings as much as their overt messages. The combination is what becomes the Introject – which is only negative if our parents were mentally &/or emotionally damaged.

Expl:  A friend remembers one evening when she was 6 or 7, sitting with her dad in the living room while he was reading the paper. For no apparent reason she asked him who Lydia was.  He looked at her puzzled but didn’t answer. Many years later she found out that he was having an affair with a Lydia back then, but at that time no one in the family knew about it.  What had she been ‘picking up’ on? – A smell? his guilt? his residual pleasure?

c. ‘Otherworldly’
• Intuition can also be an aspect of ‘spirituality’, either in conventional or esoteric forms. Some call it the ‘still small voice’ inside. Is is used in everyday life to solve problems, as well as to receive divine guidance, love, healing, wisdom and inspiration.
• For some very sensitive people, there is often an ability to pick up vibrations (electrical energy) emanating from all living things. It may include seeing auras.  Such people need positive training, not only to use the info correctly, but especially to learn shielding, so they’re not constantly flooded by external input.
• Intuitive info can also come when we or those we love are under stress. It may be inner wisdom showing a way to solve a problem or heal old emotional damage that surfaces to be processed.

• If you’re curious about your own sensitivity level, you can take the Empath Quiz.  If you already know you are highly intuitive, you may want to participate in the Empath Community.

d.  Paying Attention
• As ACoAs we were taught to deny or make fun of our natural instincts, so when our gut tells us to do OR not do something, via an intuitive flash, we usually ignore it – to our detriment! We may experience anxiety or a tightening in the gut & wonder if we should or shouldn’t act on those ‘feelings’. Remember the ‘ick factor’.
•  When we don’t follow our intuition, we’re out of alignment with our higher sense of knowing. Not opening up our intuitive channels – physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually (PMES) – we usually end up compromising ourselves, & are sorry afterwards for getting ourselves into some mess, even tho’ we knew better!  PAY ATTENTION!

Some SOURCES that feed Intuition:
• knowing someone well (friends, lovers, parents…) & observing their recurring patterns. When we ignore this we get involved with their dysfunctional schemes, plans, drama…. and suffer for it!
• listening carefully to language and logic patterns, we can recognize where a thought or conversation will wind up & we can be prepared
(like when we say:“don’t go there!” because we know it won’t end well)
• carefully observing patters of human behavior over the years, for a general sense of what to expect from people
• paying attention to what people tell us about themselves, especially the negative! so we’re not shocked the next time their damage shows up – in our face!
• having repeated life experiences with a specific category of people or situations, where the outcome has been consistently the same (with narcissists, active addicts, ragers, depressives…OR if we’re wise, with sane well-balanced people).  Their style is predictable, whether healthy or unhealthy, so we can trust our intuition about them.

✶ Because ACoAs are trained to negate our perceptions, we do need to pay special attention and evaluate what people say, after every encounter. What did they reveal? and how do we feel after being with them?
People tell us about themselves all the time, but ACoAs are notorious for glossing over toxic things we don’t want to face in someone we want to or have to be around (lover, boss, parent…), so we get caught in a tangle of mutual damage.  Even so, our intuition tells us something’s wrong & ignoring what we feel about certain people – is harmful denial.

➼ If we practice this awareness and acceptance (from the 3 As), then even when we meet someone for the first time – if we actively acknowledge what we’re hearing – we can tell what they’re like. Once we recognize their type, we can decide quite soon if it’s safe to stay OR get away from them! We don’t have to suffer as much if we just stay awake!

Expl: Before doing any ACoA & FoO work, Brenda spent a lot of time in singles bars, listening to men talk about themselves (& getting picked up). Most were alcoholics & narcissists.  Brenda was being victimized by the toxic characteristics of these men – selfish, insensitive, unavailable, often married, arrogant or self-deprecating…. but was learning valuable info from listening to their ‘lines’ & the pain of being used & dumped. After a couple years of dating quite a few of them, she could catch the pattern within 15 to 20 minutes of conversation with any new ‘contender’. When she would say: “No…. we’re not compatible”, the men would usually respond: “How can you tell, you haven’t given me / us a chance!”  By this time, even without Recovery, Brenda had recognized the type very quickly. She might feel a little twinge of guilt or doubt, but she could stick to her decision because she knew!

Intuition can be gathered from:
• years of life experience               • wide variety of reading
• emotional sensitivity                  • an observant mind
• trusting “I know what I know” – based on:
✓ having a clear identity of ones own
✓ no longer believing the Negative Introject
✓ clear, strong links to the IC & our H.P.
✓ strong boundaries, so we don’t confuse ourselves with another person, while still being part of the human community
AFFIRMATIONS
• Respect yourself and others         • Feel hopeful            • Value love
• Believe in the power to make your dreams come true
• Learn life’s lessons with ease       • Trust your intuition  • Feel inspired
• Believe in yourself & your capacity to achieve great things
• Find unconditional self-love         • Learn to rise above limitations
• Edit self-limiting beliefs                • Believe you are a natural winner
• Have good health & abundant energy      • Focus on what is possible
• Know & listen to your own inner voice    • Feel confident in yourself
• Walk through life with dignity & grace, easily manifesting your joy

✧        ✧         ✧        ✧

3. I Can’t possibly know what others think or feel
➼ At the same time, we are not meant to be all-knowing, perfect, infallible!  No matter how smart or experienced, there are things we simply cannot know about others – unless they tell us! especially those we are not deeply acquainted with.  SO ask, ask, ask – even when we think we know what’s going on. We may be surprised by the answers!

Expl: Barbara had handed her business card to the leader of a workshop at the break. Later that day he made a disparaging remark about the kind of people she worked with. Barbara was hurt & angry.  She felt the comment was aimed at her & her profession. She thought of all the possible meanings & reasons for his put-down – & fumed!
• At the end of the event she asked to speak to him.  “Why did you say that ——– are such troublemakers?” He thought for a moment, then said “Last time I did this seminar there were a whole group of them & they were constantly disruptive & argumentative.  They ruined the event!” Barbara thanked him & as she turned away, started to laugh.  His original comment had never been about her at all, AND, even tho’ she was intelligent & intuitive, she could not have possibly guessed his answer! She was glad she’d checked it out.

• It is arrogant to think we always know exactly why someone is thinking or feeling a certain way. Stay out of their head!  To do otherwise is to be boundary invasive and presumptuous. This does not win friends & influence people.  It’s NOT appropriate to tell others :
✓ what’s wrong with them       ✓  what they mean
✓ how they’re feeling              ✓ what they should be doing    – etc.

• To be truly respectful of others we need to listen carefully, and ask – “What did you mean when you said—?”,  “Why did you do that?”, “What do you need / want / feel?”, “What would you like from me?” etc.

➼  The answers may be unexpected, & we can always learn something. It will also make us a better parent, friend, mate, employee… and make us much better liked – even by people who already love us!
✶              ✶             ✶            ✶

ACoAs & RISK – Intro

 

TO RISK OR NOT TO RISK -  That is the question

PREVIOUS:

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

Basic MEANING of RISK
Most people only use the term to mean a situation where there’s the possibility of harm, misfortune or loss.
However, there are 2 other possible outcomes – that of a positive outcome (pleasure, accomplishment & success) OR a neutral / acceptable result.

Conversely, it may seem obvious that if the outcome in known ahead of time or predictable based on previous information, then Risk is no longer a factor. But this is not so simple for ACoAs – because of our very deep denial system. We continually ignore things we do know, from years of experience, returning to dangerous situations or staying connected to harmful people, so we keep getting burned & wonder why we don’t trust!

In general, the most common considerations of Risk are:
PHYSICAL
• dealing with something or someone who is a known source of danger
• a chosen venture undertaken without regard to possible loss or injury
• being exposed to the chance of damage or injury, not of our choice

EMOTIONAL / PSYCHOLOGICAL
• a situation which may result in suffering shame, humiliation, being misunderstood, accused wrongly, being manipulated & used ….
• a factor, thing, element or course of action involving uncertain, unpredictable discomfort or distress
• the possibility that something unpleasant or unwelcome might happen beyond ones control

FOR ACoAs
 – These basic definitions include “uncertain / possible / chance of…” , which means that there’s more than one possible outcome – but not for ACoAs.  WE believe that all risk is bad & will result in guaranteed harm – since we grew up in a physically & emotionally dangerous family & community. We are trained to assume that that’s the way life is, forever – at least for US! It’s so ingrained we don’t even know it’s what we think.

EXP: One man’s cold, abusive mother often told him that the world is a jungle, a survival of the fittest – the weak (him) are eaten by the strong (her) & no matter how big you think you are, there’s always someone bigger & badder who will get you! Naturally he grew up to be very timid.

Also, we were punished equally for big or small infractions of ‘rules’, many of which made no sense or were unspoken! This would make us avoid taking normal actions, much less branching out to try something important (to us) or more unusual.

As a result, it is common for ACoAs to:
– not know or a afraid to acknowledge what we think, feel or want
– not be able to make simple ‘I like, I want’ decisions
– put equal weight on all types of situations, regardless of their actual significance – an expl of B & W thinking (a C.D.)
This is exactly how many of us were treated – if we spilled something, made noise, cried, broke even something small, talked to a boy, got too excited – we were punished as harshly as if we had killed someone!  (See Toxic Rules)

ANXIETY
ACoA issues around risk-taking are always about that internal anxiety.
One of the characteristics on the Laundry List is: “We have become addicted to (negative) excitement after years of living in the midst of a traumatic & often dangerous family ‘soap opera’.” (pgs. 3 – 6, SiteMap).
ALL ACoAs are fear-based*. We usually say we have anxiety, but it’s Inner Child terror we bring with us into adulthood, & underlies every aspect of our life. This anxiety is what drives all our character defects, our acting out, our addictions – anything we feel we don’t have control of.

✶ This does not negate or ignore all of us in long-term recovery – our anxiety level may have gone way down – or not – but the terror-base is very deep. The intensity no longer as strong & not all the time, if we’ve been doing emotion-release work, but some level of fear will still be there. It can grab us in the gut if or when some combination of current events set it off again. The difference is, or should be – that we have years of experience in dealing with life from a healthy place & the tools to take care of ourselves, when our old buttons get pushed. (Use Book-ending)

• So – while some of us became adrenalin junkies other became some risk-allergic! (Yes, I know, one can be a combo…)
BTW – This is why the ‘Serenity Prayer’ (pg. 68 from sitemap) is so important for ACoAs — because we get things backwards. We keep trying to do the impossible & have trouble doing what is possible! We’re not sufficiently afraid of some very dangerous ‘people, places & things’ while being overly scared of things that are not actually harmful (like having our feelings)! Lets look at both types, The Risk averse & the Risk addicted.

CONTROL: Being controlling (as opposed to being in control) is the opposite of any type of risk-taking – which inherently implies unpredictability. That’s why ACoAs try so hard to be mind-readers. Because ACoA are fear-based, to us all risk is bad, so we scramble to control every outcome, to ensure that ‘people, places & things’ don’t abandon us – yet again.

NEXT: Risk Averse & Addicted

MIND READING vs. Intuition (Part 1)

IS IT REAL OR…..
am I just projecting?

1. MIND-READING (M-R)
a. OFFICIAL Meaning
This is one of the many Cognitive Distortions (CDs) that plague ACoA & alcoholic thinking:  “… an arbitrary conclusion that someone is thinking or reacting negatively to you, without any real evidence… often going contrary to what the other person actually says and does, and is almost always pessimistic in nature…”
• This CD is fundamentally a projection of our IC’s self-hate or the critical voice of our Negative Introject.  It is an example of narcissism, which allows the IC to conclude we are the same as the other person, so — if I think & feel a certain way, so will you!

Wikipedia: Psychological projection is a defense mechanism whereby a person unconsciously denies their own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, such as to the weather, or to other people…. it reduces anxiety by allowing a form of expression of the unwanted / unacceptable (unconscious) impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize those needs & wishes.

➼ Mind-reading is completely about US – not about the person or group we’re referring to.  Because of that, we insure staying disconnected from the rest of humanity, which reinforces our sense of alienation.  ACoAs are notorious for believing ‘We don’t belong anywhere’, even when in a room full of other ACoAs!

M-R comes from:
• our fear of separateness – if we ‘know’ what someone is thinking then we are joined (symbiotic) & can stave off the bitter loneliness of the IC
• knowing from experience that our parents did not love us unconditionally & so assume everyone else will feel the same towards us
• growing up in families where emotional & mental honesty was missing, so we had to guess at what others were thinking or feeling
• needing to protect ourselves at all times from the ‘dangerous’ world
• not being taught how to gather info correctly, we make up things. We’re not allowed to ask AND assume we won’t get the truth anyway
• trying to figure out how to behave (if I believe I know what you’re thinking I can adjust my actions accordingly)

SO OUR:
✧ S-H becomes “Nobody likes me”
✧ FoA becomes “She would never spend time with me”
✧ paranoia becomes “I know they’re talking about me”
✧ fear of rejection becomes “She’ll too busy to help me”
✧ perfectionism becomes “They all thought my _____ was awful”
✧ lack of boundaries becomes “The boss expects me to be just like her!”

Me, me, me!  It completely erases others, as if they didn’t have separate identities, minds of their own OR had other things to think about besides us!

Expl: Paul sits anxiously in a 12-step meeting, raising his hand but not getting called on.  He’s convinced the speaker is deliberately avoiding him – “he must not want to hear what I have to say… he doesn’t like me… he thinks he’s better than me…”, so Paul sits & fumes.
➼ Reality: If Paul had asked the speaker about this, he would have been told: “I’m sorry, I saw your hand, but just didn’t get to you.  It’s so hard to pick – you want to include everyone, but there’s just not enough time.”
Expl: If your therapist yawns or seems distracted – you assume he / she is bored with you.  Or if you get invited to a dinner party, you’re sure they only invited you along to make up the seating numbers.
➼  Reality: you’re therapist was up all nite with a sick child or writing their blog! , & you were invited to dinner because the hostess likes you & knows you’ll be a great addition!

Expl of NOT mind-reading:
I have taught my 12-week ACoA course “Knowledge is Power” for many years (See “Course” outline at www.acoarecovery.com). Reaction from students vary widely in every class.   Some listen intently, take notes & ask questions.  Others fidget, yawn, fall asleep, get mad, or stop coming. Regarding the latter group – IF I were using the classic form of mind-reading, I would assume that even tho’ some students seem interested, this group indicates the ‘truth’ – that I’m a boring speaker, give complicated or worthless info & generally am wasting their time – the LIE that the bad voice whispers!
➼ However, I KNOW I am a good teacher, that my material is important & useful, & have been told by many students that the course greatly improved their lives.   I also know that some people will just be tired (especially if it’s an evening class), some have ADD & have trouble sitting still for 2-3 hours, but most of all -  the class material brings up a lot of pain, & some people just want to opt out. So, their seeming lack of interest is actually a validation of my work! So there – PP!

CONTINUING this kind of M-R keeps us:
• Internally
- attached to our dangerous family
- anxious & needing to isolate
• Externally
- suspicious of everyone’s motives
- missing out on all the good people & opportunities that present themselves

SO: Once we know an un-recovered person’s toxic pattern well from many painful encounters, it’s time to stop giving them the ‘benefit of the doubt’!  How many more times do we need to be hit over the head?
✧               ✧              ✧               ✧

b. A VARIATION
Another way mind-reading can show up is projecting our wishes, needs & tastes onto others.  It’s not a strict interpretation of the definition, but is the same aspect of the child’s narcissism – ‘I am you & you are me.’  It’s still based on OUR personality, not on who the other person is.
Review posts:  “Symbiosis & ACoAs” and “How ACoAs Abandon Others”

INSTEAD OF nurturing us, our family:
• over-controlled us               •  expected us to be little adults
• demanded we be perfect and without needs
• didn’t guide us, so we had to fend of ourselves, without much training!  – which then became another version of the ACoA Dilemma mentioned recently:
✓ As kids – we had to take care of ourselves – not always in material ways, but definitely emotional & often mental, which gave us the message we weren’t worthy of being taken care of – SO
✓ As Adults – we believe we should not / cannot care for ourselves, from lack of appropriate help and lack of permission

i. The WIC projects that everyone is like our parents – who were totally wrapped up in their own troubles:
• They expected us to figure out what they needed & then provide it. This was either said or implied, but we got the message.  ✶ So we believe everyone else wants that of us too
• Also, we were punished for not getting it right!  Either directly, by them berating or hitting us, or just by continuing to be drunk, crazy, mean, depressed….  This left us with a great deal of anxiety – fearful that we’d get it wrong AND not knowing what was needed, anyway

ii. We’re still trying to make everyone SAFE so we can feel less terrified, by making sure they have all their needs met – by us. The assumption is that everyone is as weak, needy, incompetent, scared…… as our parents were.  The kid is convinced that when we fix them, they will:  protect us, never leave us,  take care of us, love us …. if only we work hard enough to get it right

iii. At the same time it’s also a projection onto others of what we want & need, but are not confident we can provide for ourselves.  “If I take care of you, you will become strong (& grateful) & then be able to return the favor – without my having to ask!”  We learned it was shameful to have needs,  so we have to “depend on the kindness of strangers”.
WE are not allowed to have anything for our true self, so all our efforts go into ‘figuring out’ what others are in need of.

SO OUR:
1. need for information becomes “I have to tell her why she’s doing that self-destructive thing – she’ll be so interested”
2. desperate hunger to be loved becomes “I know he loves me”
3. need for healing becomes “he‘ll be glad I gave him this recovery book to read, because he’ll see the light & feel so much better”
4. fear of loneliness becomes “How could you go on that trip alone?  That must have been depressing!”
5. fear of abandonment becomes “It must have been so hard for you to leave that relationship / job / country…”
6. fear of risk becomes “… that was so brave of you!”

➼ At first glance this may seem legitimate because it sounds like the focus is not on us but on the other person. Actually – we are making up what the other person is needing, thinking or feeling, without honoring or respecting who they are! ✶✶✶ Even when they have told us what they like or don’t like – we still believe we know better! How arrogant.
REALITY:
1. she tells you you’re not being a good friend who just listens without lecturing – that you’re insulting & insensitive
2. he barely knows you’re alive, or just sees you as a friend
3. he didn’t ask for the book, doesn’t read it, doesn’t take any other advice you give & tells you you’re being controlling
4. she has no problem going anywhere alone, & while she may feel a bit lonely, she makes friends wherever she goes
5. she was ready to leave, in fact – couldn’t wait!
6. it didn’t take bravery on his part because he was not afraid

Expl: Ernie is an only child, raised by a mentally ill mother who sat staring at the wall – often for day, & then sometimes she’d be ok for a while – except for an occasional fit of rage.  His father was depressed & had no time for him. One way Ernie survived was to live in a fantasy world and also by being a good student.
• As an adult he has done very well at ‘mental’ work that does not require much interact with others. Even so, he longs to know the comfort of a loving relationship & family life, which he has never been able to achieve. When he walks down the street and sees couple hand-in-hand or a parent talking with their child – he assumes that their life is great, they have no problems, they are happy and will be so ‘forever’.

CONTINUING this style of M-R
• Internally
– stay ‘separate’ by living in our own fantasy world
– stay deprived by minimally providing for our own needs
• Externally
– actually hurt others instead of helping them
– don’t interact with others based on reality (ours or theirs)

➼ No matter what excuse or explanation we make up about it, mind reading is detrimental to ourselves and others.

Part 2: INTUITION
✶           ✶         ✶           ✶