I JUST KNOW IT –
but I don’t have any proof
Review Part 1: Mind-reading
Intuition is a complex thing – but mostly it’s being tuned-in to the world around us – & beyond – so that we’re picking up info without any obvious source. For some it’s a gut feeling. For others it’s the universe giving them a gentle nudge. For still others it’s the answer to a prayer or a whisper from God. Intuition is an innate survival tool, our inner compass and the tether connecting us to our environment. It doesn’t have to be supernatural – it is most often a subliminal accumulation of what others are saying, feeling or doing (their T,E,As) & storing it for future reference (see point d).
SO – Intuition is in us & comes from us, but is about everything outside of us – the opposite of Mind Reading. ✶ When cultivated, it bypasses or counters certain of our ACoA damage!
a. In the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory, the second of 4 levels is Sensate vs Intuitive, which has to do with one’s style of gathering information about the world, and making decisions based on it.
• At one extreme are the Sensates (S) who need proof of everything, literal & practical, they prefer hands-on, here-&-now tangible experiences. They only believe what they can see & touch. They are about 70% of the US population & are considered ‘hard-nosed’ by their opposites.
• At the other end are the Intuitives (N) who ‘just know’ – they look for meaning, possibilities & relationships among things (the gestalt). They like to put things in a theoretical framework, looking at things holistically, seeking the big picture. They comprise about 30% & are considered ‘flakes’ by the S.
✶ Not everyone functions at the extreme ends of this spectrum. But when 2 people in any kind of relationship DO, it is one of the most difficult discrepancies (of the 4 level) to overcome. They’ll never really ‘get’ each other. It’s especially hard when an extreme S mother has a very N child – she will likely negate the child’s way of understanding its environment, making the child doubt its perceptions, even its sanity - especially if the mother is also a narcissist.
b. As Children
• From birth, kids have a capacity for knowing and seeing things that many adults are unaware of. This is an important instinct for them, since they are so vulnerable and do not yet have language. Infants mirror what we present to them, especially our emotions. For example, when a mother takes a slow, deep breath each time she feels tension, either in herself or the infant, it teaches the baby to do the same. She’s creating & reinforcing the state of anxiety – without ever saying a word!
• Equally so, children who spend time contemplating & exploring their thoughts and feelings, without interference, develop self-awareness and the intuitive abilities that come from this inner knowledge.
• Also, it’s the absorption quality of intuition, so highly developed in kids, which allows us to assimilate our parents’ inner feelings as much as their overt messages. The combination is what becomes the Introject – which is only negative if our parents were mentally &/or emotionally damaged.
Expl: A friend remembers one evening when she was 6 or 7, sitting with her dad in the living room while he was reading the paper. For no apparent reason she asked him who Lydia was. He looked at her puzzled but didn’t answer. Many years later she found out that he was having an affair with a Lydia back then, but at that time no one in the family knew about it. What had she been ‘picking up’ on? – A smell? his guilt? his residual pleasure?
• Intuition can also be an aspect of ‘spirituality’, either in conventional or esoteric forms. Some call it the ‘still small voice’ inside. Is is used in everyday life to solve problems, as well as to receive divine guidance, love, healing, wisdom and inspiration.
• For some very sensitive people, there is often an ability to pick up vibrations (electrical energy) emanating from all living things. It may include seeing auras. Such people need positive training, not only to use the info correctly, but especially to learn shielding, so they’re not constantly flooded by external input.
• Intuitive info can also come when we or those we love are under stress. It may be inner wisdom showing a way to solve a problem or heal old emotional damage that surfaces to be processed.
• If you’re curious about your own sensitivity level, you can take the Empath Quiz. If you already know you are highly intuitive, you may want to participate in the Empath Community.
d. Paying Attention
• As ACoAs we were taught to deny or make fun of our natural instincts, so when our gut tells us to do OR not do something, via an intuitive flash, we usually ignore it – to our detriment! We may experience anxiety or a tightening in the gut & wonder if we should or shouldn’t act on those ‘feelings’. Remember the ‘ick factor’.
• When we don’t follow our intuition, we’re out of alignment with our higher sense of knowing. Not opening up our intuitive channels – physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually (PMES) – we usually end up compromising ourselves, & are sorry afterwards for getting ourselves into some mess, even tho’ we knew better! PAY ATTENTION!
Some SOURCES that feed Intuition:
• knowing someone well (friends, lovers, parents…) & observing their recurring patterns. When we ignore this we get involved with their dysfunctional schemes, plans, drama…. and suffer for it!
• listening carefully to language and logic patterns, we can recognize where a thought or conversation will wind up & we can be prepared
(like when we say:“don’t go there!” because we know it won’t end well)
• carefully observing patters of human behavior over the years, for a general sense of what to expect from people
• paying attention to what people tell us about themselves, especially the negative! so we’re not shocked the next time their damage shows up – in our face!
• having repeated life experiences with a specific category of people or situations, where the outcome has been consistently the same (with narcissists, active addicts, ragers, depressives…OR if we’re wise, with sane well-balanced people). Their style is predictable, whether healthy or unhealthy, so we can trust our intuition about them.
✶ Because ACoAs are trained to negate our perceptions, we do need to pay special attention and evaluate what people say, after every encounter. What did they reveal? and how do we feel after being with them?
People tell us about themselves all the time, but ACoAs are notorious for glossing over toxic things we don’t want to face in someone we want to or have to be around (lover, boss, parent…), so we get caught in a tangle of mutual damage. Even so, our intuition tells us something’s wrong & ignoring what we feel about certain people – is harmful denial.
➼ If we practice this awareness and acceptance (from the 3 As), then even when we meet someone for the first time – if we actively acknowledge what we’re hearing – we can tell what they’re like. Once we recognize their type, we can decide quite soon if it’s safe to stay OR get away from them! We don’t have to suffer as much if we just stay awake!
Expl: Before doing any ACoA & FoO work, Brenda spent a lot of time in singles bars, listening to men talk about themselves (& getting picked up). Most were alcoholics & narcissists. Brenda was being victimized by the toxic characteristics of these men – selfish, insensitive, unavailable, often married, arrogant or self-deprecating…. but was learning valuable info from listening to their ‘lines’ & the pain of being used & dumped. After a couple years of dating quite a few of them, she could catch the pattern within 15 to 20 minutes of conversation with any new ‘contender’. When she would say: “No…. we’re not compatible”, the men would usually respond: “How can you tell, you haven’t given me / us a chance!” By this time, even without Recovery, Brenda had recognized the type very quickly. She might feel a little twinge of guilt or doubt, but she could stick to her decision because she knew!
Intuition can be gathered from:
• years of life experience • wide variety of reading
• emotional sensitivity • an observant mind
• trusting “I know what I know” – based on:
✓ having a clear identity of ones own
✓ no longer believing the Negative Introject
✓ clear, strong links to the IC & our H.P.
✓ strong boundaries, so we don’t confuse ourselves with another person, while still being part of the human community
• Respect yourself and others • Feel hopeful • Value love
• Believe in the power to make your dreams come true
• Learn life’s lessons with ease • Trust your intuition • Feel inspired
• Believe in yourself & your capacity to achieve great things
• Find unconditional self-love • Learn to rise above limitations
• Edit self-limiting beliefs • Believe you are a natural winner
• Have good health & abundant energy • Focus on what is possible
• Know & listen to your own inner voice • Feel confident in yourself
• Walk through life with dignity & grace, easily manifesting your joy
✧ ✧ ✧ ✧
3. I Can’t possibly know what others think or feel
➼ At the same time, we are not meant to be all-knowing, perfect, infallible! No matter how smart or experienced, there are things we simply cannot know about others – unless they tell us! especially those we are not deeply acquainted with. SO ask, ask, ask – even when we think we know what’s going on. We may be surprised by the answers!
Expl: Barbara had handed her business card to the leader of a workshop at the break. Later that day he made a disparaging remark about the kind of people she worked with. Barbara was hurt & angry. She felt the comment was aimed at her & her profession. She thought of all the possible meanings & reasons for his put-down – & fumed!
• At the end of the event she asked to speak to him. “Why did you say that ——– are such troublemakers?” He thought for a moment, then said “Last time I did this seminar there were a whole group of them & they were constantly disruptive & argumentative. They ruined the event!” Barbara thanked him & as she turned away, started to laugh. His original comment had never been about her at all, AND, even tho’ she was intelligent & intuitive, she could not have possibly guessed his answer! She was glad she’d checked it out.
• It is arrogant to think we always know exactly why someone is thinking or feeling a certain way. Stay out of their head! To do otherwise is to be boundary invasive and presumptuous. This does not win friends & influence people. It’s NOT appropriate to tell others :
✓ what’s wrong with them ✓ what they mean
✓ how they’re feeling ✓ what they should be doing – etc.
• To be truly respectful of others we need to listen carefully, and ask – “What did you mean when you said—?”, “Why did you do that?”, “What do you need / want / feel?”, “What would you like from me?” etc.
➼ The answers may be unexpected, & we can always learn something. It will also make us a better parent, friend, mate, employee… and make us much better liked – even by people who already love us!
✶ ✶ ✶ ✶