I CAN FILL THE HOLE IN MY HEART
by developing a Loving, Healthy Parent

PREVIOUS: Parent Ego State (PES), Part 2

REVIEW: “Rescuing” & “Healthy Helping”

EGO STATE MODES
This chart shows the Parent aspect of the Wagner, Joines and Mountain 9-element model, developed during the 1980′s.  While the A. is the Executive branch of a person, & in general it’s best as a person’s guiding force, it’s helpful to remember that all 3 ego states can operate from a healthy or unhealthy side of a person, with good or bad motives, and with good or bad consequences.

EXP: The Adult ego-state can be applied to planning a new town on a drawing board, or planning to rob a bank.  Both activities require logic, reason, critical thinking faculties, planning skills, etc. (More on ‘CENT’). Review chart of the ‘OK Corral’ (Adult E.S., Part 3)

The following 2 PES modes say: “You’re Not OK” to self & others

Negative CRITICAL / Controlling P. is punitive & insensitive. Gives negative and degrading criticism to overemphasize being in control, using fear, suspicion, or distrust: “How stupid can you be”….  For ACoAs –
– Outwardly it’s often expressed towards others as prejudice & disapproval
– Inwardly it continues to influence the Inner Child, in the form of S-H
EXP: the person who sees an injured dog in the street, & says: ‘all dogs should be kept on leads, not allowed to roam free’ – so does nothing to help

Negative NURTURING P. is over-protective & may be engulfing, giving physical attention in order to control or manipulate others. May smother with concern, denying people the opportunity to develop their own skills.
Help is given from a position which discounts the other person’s actual needs, or their autonomy & competence

HINTS the Negative Parent (PP) is ‘on’
Neg. Physical – frowning, crossed arms, finger-pointing, angry or impatient body-language and expressions, finger-pointing, patronizing gestures…
Neg. Verbal – Use condescending tone, judgmental & critical words, patronizing or posturing language : “this is how you, under no circumstances, you should always, never forget to, don’t lie, cheat, steal… never do, for once in your life, you shouldn’t, how dare you, don’t do as I do, do as I say…”  (Keep in mind cultural differences in body-language or emphases that appear ‘Parental’ but may not be)

● Re. the POSITIVE SIDE: Since both of these aspects are either missing or weak in most ACoAs – especially toward ourselves – developing & safe-guarding the Good Parent voice is a critical (no pun intended) & fundamental requirement for our growth.

These 2 aspects say: “You’re OK” to self & others

Positive NURTURING P.
For US: It’s used to self-sooth, help the WIC with any form of emotional distress, letting the C. know it’s never alone. It is also the part that encourages, cheers & champions the Healthy Child to be ‘all you were meant to be”! It draws from our own native capacity for kindness as well as all our experiences of being cared for, especially in childhood. (The Positive Introject)

For OTHERS: It’s the source of kindness, respect & help we afford others, coming from a genuine regard for them as fellow-travelers on this earth. It can give & take in appropriate physical affection, such a gentle hug or touch
EXP: This aspect can be seen in the person who lovingly takes care of that dog who got injured by a car while crossing the road

Positive CRITICAL / Controlling P.
For US: It’s used to set boundaries for oneself, allowing for self-control – limiting the Child’s excessive wants, demands, distorted thinking, inappropriate behavior…. The way a parent would hold a child back from running across the street, the Pos. Controlling P. helps us stay out of or leave unhealthy or unsuitable people / situations…..

For OTHERS:  instructions & commands are aimed at genuinely promoting someone’s well-being. Constructive criticism is used to protect & direct away from harm / danger : “you might want to consider –, stay away from the –, be careful when you –,….

DISTORTED or MISSING Parent or Adult ego states means the WIC is in charge, so its excessive needs & wants are not limited or controlled.
EXP: Active addicts have chaotic lives – such a person will look for substances, people, organization &/or belief systems to be their missing P or A,  symbiosing with it as a way to sooth the pain & anxiety of inner aloneness. (See ‘Contamination’)

PARENT E.S. – Someone with a strong (P) persona tends to focus on:
• the ‘right way’ of doing things based on the rules they believe in
• how they can have an effect on others (controlling or helpful…)
• not showing too much emotion, more self-contained
• strong importance on how things are done (specific steps)

➼ When ACoAs function too much out of the PES, we will be either judgmental & finger-pointing, OR patronizing & overly solicitous

NEXT: Parent E.S. (Part 4)

 

The CRITICAL INNER PARENT
can take up a lot of space!

PREVIOUS:
 Parent ego state (Part 1)

SITE: T.A., REBT & CENT therapies

FOR ACoAs
a. OLD Parent* voice – this is our Toxic Introject (PP) gathered from a collection of people who influenced us as kids, and who we now carry around in our head. It’s the one the WIC is always listening to, is terrified of displeasing, is trying to obey -perfectly- & constantly failing!

*Caretakers who are mis-attuned, invalidating, emotionally neglectful &/ or physically abusive create great anxiety in the child. The resulting desperation triggers an unconscious defense: the child identifies with ‘the other’ (usually as a Toxic Introject), taking on the character of the abuser and canceling out its own needs, in an attempt to stay attached, bonded and loyal. So now PP messages can be very hard to get rid of since they’re linked to a lot of original psychological & emotional trauma still being held in the WIC ego state.

b. NEW Parent* voice – is the one we develop in Recovery, as part of the “UNIT”, using S & I to form a self-caring, nurturing voice, capable of empathy for ourselves, & can therefore help others without being co-dependent. Whenever we notice the OLD voice taking over we can ‘decontaminate the Parent’, pull in the Good P. & get back to having the Adult be in charge.

*The INNER Loving PARENT voice follows the ‘general guidelines’ for healthy parenting. It is a biological imperative that children require mental, emotional & physical attachment to maintain psychological health. Some of the things we would have gotten in a functional family (there are no perfect ones) include providing the need-to-connect common to all children,
BY:
● having their thoughts, emotions, fantasies & other needs validated, which allows children to who they are
● having an effect / making an impact / able to influencing ‘the other’, who at least some of the time understands & complies with their wishes/ desires
● feeling secure with a safe person who can be relied on to provide  protection, such as freedom from humiliation and physical violence
● receive support and guidance, including physical closeness & positive shared experiences, such as learning & playing together
● opportunities to express gratitude to and love for the caretaker which is received well, as a sign of bonding and loyalty

HOW the Parent ego state (PES) is USED
a. INFLUENCING, which operates internally. If our early caretakers were loving & reasonably healthy then our Inner Parent is a good one, & we will treat ourselves well with self-care & self-soothing.
If they were wounded &/or toxic, the Introject will be experienced as a weak or bad voice beating us up:
● with self-criticism, including feelings of SHAME, self-hate, self-doubt, a constant sense of being watched & controlled, not knowing what we want think or feel, generating chronic anxiety and depression….
OR
● as outside criticism, by hearing warnings, judgements, demands, needs, rules…. from others, which creates fear & a degree of paranoia in us. We usually don’t realize we’re projecting our own PP outward:
– if we stay with people who are actually unavailable, selfish, mean, crazy… we are participating a relationship with an external version of our Bad Parent, as a copy of our original abandoners / abusers
– OR when have a strong painful / angry feelings toward people who are just being ‘normal’ humans but happen to push our unhealed buttons – we are making them into the PP we carry in our head

b. ACTIVE, which operates externally. In this mode we function in the outside world exactly the way our family treated us, reproducing the feelings, attitudes & behavior of our original significant-others. As above, this will depend on how we were treated as kids. Since most people are wounded, the ‘acted out’ (projected) bad voice will be in the Negative PES. The psychological function of treating others badly is to diminish the pressure & anxiety created by our Toxic Introject & the WIC. Letting it out on others is a relief from the ‘influencing’ voice that is badgering or missing.

EXP: When a mother screams at & criticizes her children (as the Negative Parent) the same way her father screamed at and criticized her when she was young (her PP) – she gets momentary relief of that pain by externalizing the abuse she received from him & still holds in her being, but is probably not aware she’s reacting from her Bad Parent ego state.

Main PES CATEGORIES
a. Normative (NoP) is made up of either realistic or damaging guidelines, rules, punishments & rewards.
Positive NoP / “Counselor Parent” is strong, powerful, protective, principled. It provides appropriate boundaries & is comfortable setting limits, without being disapproving or harsh – with self and others

Negative NoP / “Persecutor Parent”
● Treats the Inner Child harshly & tries to make it do as the parent voice wants – either to obey it’s own set of rules regardless of the benefit to the Child part, or just treating the Child as its ‘whipping-boy’
● Towards others, when in this mode we react with judgmental responses that are arrogant, authoritative, condescending, critical, demanding,
disapproving, judgmental, opinionated, moralistic…. with a lot of do’s and don’ts & little flexibility.
– At work, managers in the NoP mode are task oriented & can be dictatorial & exclusionary.

b. Nurturing /Sympathetic (NuP) – who loves, cares for, provides for others, appropriately.  Men & women can both play the role of Good Parent, but is most often in the form of a mother-figure.
● One of the NuP’s goals is to take care of the Inner Child – to sooth it’s troubles & keep it content, providing it with safety & unconditional love.
● In terms of others – from this position one behaves and responds with reassuring communications that are consoling, considerate, respectful, nurturing, permitting, protecting….
– At work, managers coming from the NuP are supportive & relationship oriented, consulting subordinates & encouraging their participation.

NEXT: Parent ego state (Part 3)

 

IF I USE ALL MY EGO STATES WELL
I can take care of myself well

PREVIOUS: Ego States – Adult (Part 3)

REVIEW: All post on the Introject

Reminder: Ego states are normal internal parts of ourselves and are supposed to work together for our benefit – as aspects of our True Self. Before considering how they apply to our interactions with others, it’s important to understand – AND apply – how they’re meant to interact on own behalf.

PARENT Ego State (PES) ‘Extero-psyche’
PAST: This E.S. is our Introject (positive or toxic) – an internal picture of how we saw our real parents & other important care-givers when we were growing up. Children pick up just as much subliminal info about the people around us as what’s visible. But since all children think they’re the center of the universe, they assume everything the adults do & say is about them, which leads to a limited understanding & sometimes distorted perspective of them. This combination becomes the blueprint for the way to think of ourselves & how function in the world. In healthy families this template will have less discrepancy with reality, but for ACoAs what we absorbed was not only OUR immature thinking BUT also their WIC & PP!

PRESENT: The experiences, emotions & instruction we got from family were taken in wholesale, without consciously considering whether we really agree with any of it or if it suited us.  The PES is now our ingrained voice of authority, combining our native personality with our conditioning. It’s made up of a huge number of hidden and obvious mental recordings.  We are in Parent mode when we evaluate things, make generalized statements about the world, look after ourselves or others. This is OK as long as we have a Good Parent voice, & the Adult stays in charge (See ‘Contamination’)

● If our family was loving & reasonably healthy then our Inner Parent is a positive one, having taken in useful & accurate rules and regulations, realistic knowledge about the world, how to be appropriately nurturing & helpful…. but even for such people a portion of those parental messages will be out of date & need to changed or modified because:
– we’re no longer children, so some of those rules no longer apply
– in many cases society has moved on (the role of women, fear of technology…), making some of the early info useless or limiting

● For ACoAs, that part of us is mainly the toxic Parent (PP), with B & W, distorted and cruel beliefs that torture us & hold us back. Interestingly, many ACoAs have a version of a Loving Parent, which we only use for others – in the form of care-taking, rescuing, people-pleasing AND sometimes being of genuine help (teacher, nurse, leader, parent….) – BUT don’t apply that benevolence to ourselves.
Our harmful internalized messages have to be identified & replaced:
– they were severely damaging, leaving us with the conclusion “I’m so unworthy, no one will ever love me”
– they don’t apply to positive relationships with healthier people, so we can’t use them to guide us in interactions with others

Ego State POSITIONS
1st Order – Basic T.A. model
● Parent, driven by beliefs via taught concepts
● Adult, driven by thoughts, via learned concepts
● Child, driven by emotions, via felt concepts
– Eric Berne suggested these 3 ego states correspond to parts of the brain (as yet unproven), and that 2nd & 3rd order states contain hereditary material.

2nd Order - Ideally this is a complete & well-adjusted ADULT with all 3 aspects working to benefit each other as a unit:
● P2 (Parent E.A. as part of the whole) is focused on self-nurturing, as well as the care & protection of children.
● A2 (Adult E.S. of the whole) is mature, wise, makes good decisions, interacts with the other 2 parts & generally acts on behalf of oneself whenever practical functions / decisions / actions are needed.
● C2 (Child E.S. of the whole) is the ideally well-adjusted, unwounded creative force of ones life. It’s made up of: P1 – the Adapted Child, A1 – called the Little Professor (always asking “WHY?”) & C2 the Natural Child.

3rd Order – Focus is on the Adapted Child with it’s accumulated trauma (see posts re. Child E.S.).

PURPOSE: The survival of the Species
For US: In general – the PES allows us to function AUTOMATICALLY, so we can respond to many aspects of our life without having to think about ‘How or What’ (how to behave in different situation, how to ride a bike or dress ourselves, what we believe, what comes next, what’s right….). This saves time & effort, freeing up the Adult part to make decisions ‘in the now’.
ALSO – it’s the way we treat ourselves, both in inner dialogue & actions. The Inner Parent is either loving or abusive. Because it’s how we parent ourselves, we need to identify it’s toxic content, & then work to correct them.
• P1 in this chart indicates the stage when the ‘early parent’ (C’s P) is formed – from birth to about age five

For OTHERS: Functions as PARENT to the next generation (our own children, & anyone else in genuine need), by combining family experience with our native personality and what we’ve taught ourselves
The ideal parent is “all-about-the-child”, nurturing and protecting them.
• P2: The grown-up Parent ego state is formed between ages 5 to around 20, with continued input from authority of caretaker figures. After that, any time P2 gets triggered, people tend to reacts just like their original role models. But since each of us also brings our own personality, and for some – our Recovery – to how we express P2, it’s possible to act much better than our dysfunctional training!

NEXT: PARENT E.S. (Part 2)

MY EMOTIONAL UNDERWEAR SHOWS,

PREVIOUS: ADULT E.S. (Part 2)

SITE: Info re T.A. (Transactional Analysis)

General Presentation - All modes function on a continuum from mild to severe … AND a person can go from OK to NOT OK & back again more than once throughout a day:

● Parent: Language contains value judgements, speaks about ‘You…’ or ‘One…’, & one’s posture tends to be leaning forward
● Child:  Words are direct & spontaneous. Exp: being in the Adapted C. ego state one might cry silently, while in Free C. one will tend to have fun & perhaps make lots of noise….

● ADULT is ‘on’ when:
Physically – Posture is erect, perhaps with tilted head (listening). The person is attentive, interested, straight-forward, non-threatening and non-threatened

Verbally – Tone of voice is measured, clear, precise, crisp, rational, logical.  Words are clear, definable, factual: “It’s a cold day so we’ll need extra clothes”.  One talks in terms of: why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way. Uses comparative expressions, reasoned statements, true vs false, probably, possibly, ‘I think, I realize, I see, I believe, in my opinion’…..

EGO STATE MODES - This ‘Descriptive’ model is by Susannah York (1999), based on Berne’s Structural Ego State model & using the ‘OK Corral’ modes.

Just as with traffic lights, red is for stop & green is for go – so here all red components are the unhealthy ways to function. They come from trauma, which caused negative energy blockages from those outdated experiences, and which now invite negative reactions from others (one of the other red styles).

The Integrating Adult is healthy, as are the green modes of the Inner Child & Loving Parent, inviting positive responses from others.

ACCOUNTING Mode - the Healthy Adult : This is the ONLY E.S. which allows us to solve problems. This can’t be done from either the P. or the C states – even when we try to correct things from those 2 states, the problems will keep coming back.  In the present the A. makes balanced choices & decisions, based on stored info from previous experience which is then compared with the reaction generated by our Internal Adult and Internal Child to the new events.

With the A. in charge we communicate that “WE are OK”, as it’s able to choose which mode to switch into depending on what’s called for, without giving up its oversight.  EXP: As long as the Adult is in charge, the Child can have fun at the beach or at a nightclub without getting into trouble or hurting others…. & the Parent can help someone or run a work project, without overstepping boundaries or taking on too much responsibility….

OK-ness AT WORK (from OK Corral, Ernst 1971) – See Part 2
An extension of the Susanna York model is  this chart developed by Mountain Assoc.(2009) with the focus on how people function in
groups, such as at work.

● It shows the PAC styles of positive and negative ways to Communicate. While this outline was designed for workers & leaders in business, it works well in any situation.

Keep in mind these modes are how we relate to others rather than just our internal relationships among the 3 main ego states. Which style we favor will depend on our level of mental & emotional health.

● Since all relationships have to be considered in context, we may feel “I’m OK” when with a BFF, but “I’m NOT OK” at work; or “We’re OK” in a like-minded group, but “They’re NOT OK” about anyone outside the group….

HEALTHY ADULT : ACCOUNTING – communicates “I’m OK, You’re OK, We’re OK” with blockage-free energy. When this mode is stable, we operate appropriately in the here-and-now, having integrated the positive aspects of our historic parenting & archaic childhood experiences. This allows us to choose which mode to draw from, depending on the situation, without regressing into either archaic or historic states.

For Wise Parent aspects go to “Parent E.S.” posts
Healthy Adult
Co-Creating / Cooperative – In this position we learn the rules that help us develop successful ways of living with others. We are able to share power, information & creativity without feeling jealous or threatened.

Structuring – This is the boundary setting aspect, can offer constructive criticism, & be caring but firm.We treat others with respect without giving up our identity because we know what our needs are & can set appropriate limits.

NOTE: For info on Positive & Negative Parent & Child modes in both charts (Ego State Modes & OK-ness at Work), see posts on Parent or Child ego states.

NEXT: PARENT E.S. (Part 1)

 

I NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR
ways the Child or Parent take over

PREVIOUS: ADULT Ego State (Part 1)

REMINDER: See Acronym page for abbrev.

Eric Berne (creator of T.A.) comments that coming from an Integrated Adult ego state (E.S.) does not mean just being in a rational frame of mind, but that we can also access emotions, values & attitudes, because the 3 parts are working together as a whole,  in the ‘here and now’ experiencing current reality – internally as well as externally.

CONTAMINATION
Even if we spend a lot of time in Adult mode, it’s normal to move out of Adult into Parent or Child when faced with enough stress. This can be from a pile up of real-life events, or from something setting off an internal hot button from childhood, or bumping up against an unhealed wound. Then the 3 states are no longer working together. This is called regression – to an earlier time in our life, with the specific experience, beliefs & training we lived thru.

Whenever we move out of Adult E.S. we leave the present and fall back into our own past versions of the P. or C. states.
● We may just experience them as internal ‘voices’ influencing our thoughts & feelings (PP – inner critic, or WIC – constant self-doubt)
OR
● move fully into one of the other 2 states from our past, outwardly acting from:  — the damaged Parent – abusive, controlling, know-it-all or over-indulgent, symbiotic rescuer…., alternating with — the damaged Child – sullen rebeller, raging scapegoat, or needy victim, incapable isolator….

These are life positions which create energy blockage which keep us from being ‘in the flow’ of the now & being our True Self. These unhealthy modes are founded on basic beliefs about self and others, which are used to justify decisions and behavior. An example: talking as if something is a fact or a reality, when it’s only our belief – something our family &/or community expressed, even if we did not have the same experiences they did (a mother saying: “all men are bums / a father saying: those ‘people’ are taking all our jobs”…. ).  We took in what we repeatedly heard & then made it our own ‘truth’, creating energy blockages in our minds.

Symptoms of this blockage depend on which E.S. is dominating.
● When the Parent bleeds into the Adult (#1) we may think & act out of such forms of ‘superior’ hatred as narrow-mindedness, racism or religious judgement. EXP: being Prejudiced
● When the Child bleeds into the Adult (#2) things in everyday life can trigger old wounds & the C becomes frightened at or angry about something which may or may not be unhealthy or unpleasant in itself.  EXP: being in Illusion or Delusion – but not necessarily pathological

● When both P & C bleed into the A at the same time (#3) – we have a negative belief AND this makes us scared “Anyone different from us is bad & so we’re in danger”, or we can have a sense of superiority & so feel  entitled…. “We’re better than them so we can do whatever we want”
– Ironically, when #3 happens the Adult is ‘ego syntonic‘ – not in conflict within itself – but this does not mean it is correct or healthy. In that state we believe what we think & feel as if it were completely true & unchangeable (“All government is bad”). Others in our peer group may agree, & only someone outside of the circle will catch the logic flaws (CDs).

CUT OFF Aspects – In these cases the Adult has been compromised or eliminated.
Missing Inner Child: When the Parent contaminates the Adult and the C. is cut off, people can’t ‘let go’ to have fun, are rigid & controlling, with little sense of humor, take everything seriously, must always be ‘right’ & know-it-all…. are generally neurotic

Missing Inner Parent: When the Child bleeds into the A. & the P. is cut off people have a weak conscience, do whatever they want with little or no regard for others and are prone to self-destructive behavior in the pursuit of self-gratification

Missing Inner Adult: When the A. is cut off completely there is no ‘reality’ guide, so people can become paranoid, extreme narcissists, socio/psychopathic or psychotic.

The OK CORRAL, (Franklin Ernst, 1971)
This format was applied to the T.A. model & used by York (next chart). It’s a helpful shortcut for ACoAs to observe & identify what attitude we & others are holding as any given time.
These are the Life Positions Eric Berne referred to as existential ones, which we’re more likely to slip into – automatically -  when under stress, with maybe another position under it. Our Life Position can change as we develop and grow, but is a theme that runs through our life.

CHANNELS of Communications: When 2 people or groups interact, they each choose to come from one of their E.S., & this can shift during the exchanges – possibly several times.

a. Complementary transactions are the ‘clean’ one’, & can continue indefinitely.
b. Crossed ones result in breaking the connection between 2 parties, but is a useful way to ‘force’ a change in a communication.
c. Ulterior ones have hidden messages used to manipulate & are chosen by the Inner Child.  The behavioral outcome is determined by the psychological (ulterior) level of the transaction, because the secret agenda carries the most weight.

Good communication / Complementary connections between 2 people or groups is an exchange between: (usually 1 or 2 of these are our chose preference, & will depend on who we’re talking to)
● Adult – Adult : problem-solving
● Nurturing Parent – Natural Child : care-taking
● Natural Child – Natural Child : having fun, being creative
● Controlling Parent – Adapted Child : giving guidance & instructions

Adequate channels:
● Nurturing Parent – Nurturing Parent : discussing how to care for others
● Controlling Parent – Controlling Parent : agreeing what rules to apply to others
● Adapted Child – Adapted Child : being compliant or rebellious together
(READ MORE….)

NEXT: ADULT E.S. (Part 3)

A HEALTHY ADULT INNER VOICE
helps me function well in the world

PREVIOUS: Ego States – Basics (Part 3)

SITE: T.A. tests & definitions

REMINDER: These internal states are in our conscious mind, & only one can be in the foreground at any given moment. Whichever one is on the ‘front burner’ is called The Executive  – for the length of time it’s in charge. Healthy people can switch between ego states (E.S.) as required – most of the time.  It’s NOT supposed to be a rigid framework, but many ACoAs are trapped in the Wounded Child E.S.

● Let’s start with the Adult aspect, which is the center circle. In the T.A. structural model, the Integrating Adult component is placed in the middle to show that it needs to orchestrate interactions between the Parent and the Child ego states.

PURPOSE of ADULT (“neopsyche”): The survival of the Self
a. FACTUAL: This part of us concentrates on Reality, lives in the present & holds the accumulated data of all our experiences.
It begins forming around age 6 to 10 months & is assumed to be fully developed in a normal individual by age 12 (from T.A.), but its actual function is not related to a person’s age.
The A. deals with external facts (“It’s 5 pm, the train is late…”), analyzing and solving problems, using information received from the Parent & Child states, giving us the ability to successfully deal with the outside world

b. REGULATORY: The A. is in charge of supervising & managing the activities of both the Inner Parent & the Inner Child parts AND intervening between them when necessary. It’s what allows us to keep the control of those other 2 states – to not let the P. become too rigid, controlling, pontificating (“Do as I say not as I do”) nor the C. get too out of control, selfish, hurtful ( “I’ll kill that so-and-so!”)

EXP: When the internal Bad Parent beats up on the internal Child by saying “You are no good, look at what you did wrong again, you are useless”, the Wounded Child will agree: “I’m no good, look how useless I am, I never get anything right”.

● Most people hardly aren’t even aware of this kind of self-talk – it’s automatic & often below consciousness.
However, if we have a Healthy Adult – it will step in, first to stop the Introject from doing any more damage & change the Child’s toxic beliefs. Then the Good Parent can comfort the Child who has been attacked.

Adult functions include:
– being in the present, testing reality, estimating probabilities, and processing information dispassionately
– being adaptable, intelligent, logical, organized
– can be compared to a computer or regulator, because it’s in charge of un-emotional functions such as decision-making, problem-solving
– it allows us to evaluate facts based on available data, & determines the actions we take given rational input

● The healthy Adult-in-the-adult (rather than the Child’s version of an adult) is the best one to be in charge, as it allows us to be aware of all our options & possible resources, given who we are, in relation to what we need & what’s going on now.

NOTE: All info on this blog referring to healthy / recovering thoughts & actions are being generated by the Healthy Adult & Loving Parent (the UNIT) & in T.A. called ‘Accounting’ or Integrative A. (see Part 3)

In Integrating Adult mode:
– we can be spontaneous and aware, constantly updating ourselves through our every-day experiences, and using this to keep on top of things
– we have the capacity for intimacy because we know who we are, & are not afraid to connect with others
– we know who is safe & who is not ,because we can see people as they are, rather than idealizing or projecting our family & our damage onto them
– we look for information rather than stay scared or make assumptions
– we can ask for help & apply problem-solving strategies when things get tough, allowing us to make healthy decisions
– we take the best from the past and use it appropriately in the present by integrating the strengths of the P. & C. parts.

● So when we experience emotions in response to something in the moment – like feeling sad when a friend moves away – our behavior is consistent with how we actually think and feel, (T.E.A.) rather than reacting based on our unhealthy past.  In this state we’re aware of what’s real and what isn’t & we can act accordingly.

EXP: You feel jealous of your mate, but it doesn’t mean your partner is cheating on you. If you have that thought, you consider the strength of your relationship and the character of the other person, so you can either deduce that it’s:
a. a projection of your WIC, based on your FoA, because the Adult E.S. knows your mate is a loyal persona, so you realize the fear is not real
OR
b. a very real possibility because the person has been acting secretive, had been pulling away or has cheated before…. and your Adult E.S. is willing to acknowledge what you know or intuit

ADULT Ego Stats – Someone with a strong (A) persona tends to :
• have objective & reasonable observations which are realistic & current
• have a keen sense of awareness, understanding, insight
• be emotionally balance, not over or under reactive
• think & feel that things are done with medium importance (not dramatic)
➼ When ACoAs function too much out of the AES, we will be too much ‘in our head’ & not be able to relate to others emotionally or express our own.

NEXT: ADULT Ego States (Part 2)

BOSSY, RATIONAL or FLAKY
Which E.S. do you present to the world?

PREVIOUS: Ego States – Basics (Part 2)

WATCH: YouTube – Transactional Analysis, Ego-states 1, 2 & 3

REMINDER: Having different ego states is NOT schizophrenia, multiple personalities or any other kind of mental/ emotional illness. It’s normal!

LIFE SCRIPT
A Script is a life plan we put together as kids, based on our experiences, as a way of living with and make sense of the world & our place within it – thru our child-eye. Although it is revised throughout life, the core story is usually chosen and decided on by age 7. By the time we’re adults it’s mostly unconscious, but the focus is always a ‘reward’ of some kind – trying to get a desire met, goal accomplished or difficulty avoided.

Script is how we navigate and what we look for based on those early experiences, so that everything else – the rest of reality – is re-defined & distorted to match our filters. It is not imposed on us by outside forces, (such as having the career or lifestyle demanded or insisted on by our parents) – but is definitely shaped by & in response to them.

Without examination Script rules our whole lives & each ego state is dedicated to fulfilling it, no matter how positive or twisted it may be. It is often a pattern set out by a parent whom we copy to the finest detail, even to dying at the same age (unnecessarily) as a parent did.
READ: “Scripts People Live” by Claude Steiner, a student of Eric Berne

Ego State SUB-CATEGORIES
Inner CHILD

a. Natural Child  (NC) – our true, native self, as unique & individual as our fingerprints. It’s what we were born as, our heredity, our native capacities & tendencies, but which often goes unrecognized, unappreciated, unexplored… or deliberately suppressed!
● All forms of personality inventory (Myers-Briggs, MMPI, Astrology, Numerology, Enneagram…) are designed to identify characteristics of the NC. This is the part we want to bring forward, encourage to express itself – that part of us that will shine, if allowed!

Before we grow up each of us has child-ish version of the 3 adult ego states:
● C’s Parent – sometimes called the ‘little professor’ or ‘mother’s little helper‘.  Kids, even very small ones, will help a drunk parent up the stairs, rock their dolly to sleep, care for a pet… OR be bossy, lecture other kids, copy their parents’ way of treating their younger siblings…

● C’s Adult – trying to do ‘grownup’ things, even before they’re ready, going to the store or school – alone, ‘being in charge’, showing off their cleverness & knowledge… trying to figure out how things work…. BUT without enough info or mature ego states to process everything correctly

● C’s Child – our most basic self, the core of our identity, the most vulnerable part, the aspect of ourselves which, as adults, has often been suppressed to the point of being invisible

b. Adapted Child* (AC) – It is a normal & necessary aspect of all kids – which incorporates the lessons of our family, school, society & religion. It’s the part that’s molded in childhood, every day by every component of our early environment. It’s the part that absorbs & learns what is expected of us in our particular society, so we know who we are & how to survive. In kids from healthy homes, it is formed around healthy rules & mores.

✶ For ACoAs, the ADAPTED C. is mainly our wounded part (WIC), programmed to follow the Toxic Rules. It becomes our False Self, which was the only way to cope, hiding parts of the True Self so deeply we may not even know it’s there

• In us, it’s the part that generates being a victim, a people-please, a rebel, a perpetrator, the hero…. Without recovery, it’s the part that most often runs our lives.  It needs to be understood & healed, and then in can be integrated with the NC & the other parts of our psyche.

•  Even so, the NC can still sneak thru, although distorted, in everything from –> our choice of career, leisure activities, tastes, style of thinking & responding to the world –> to the type of addictions we act out on! (from in-born preferences & passions).

Inner PARENT

a. Old - our accumulated version of parents & any other major caretakers.  If they were loving & reasonably healthy then our Inner Parent is a good one. BUT for ACoAs, that part of us is the Negative Introject, or Pig Parent
b. New – for ACoAs, the Loving Parent (LP) we develop in Recovery, using S & I to form a self-caring, nurturing component, capable of empathy for self & others, & can therefore help others without being co-dependent

Inner ADULT

a. Unintegrated – the rational, competent part of us which many ACoAs use to get along at work & in a variety of relationships, but which doesn’t connect with the IC, & can’t ally with a Loving Parent, because there is no LP
b. Integrated – is expressed in many of the same ways, but is the primary ‘executive’, interacting with both parent & child ego states, to form a whole personality.  It prevents the WIC or the PP from running our lives

● The more we know about each Ego State, the better we can make use of them.  Emotionally healthy people can easily switch between ES, depending on what is needed in the moment.  When the 3 main ones act as a whole (not including the WIC or the PP), we’re in sync with ourselves. Then we can choose how to act (As) & what to think (Ts) – instead of being driven by anxieties & rules we’re barely aware of. AND then we can accept & know how to process our emotions (Es), no matter which ones, without having to suppress or deny them.

NEXT: Ego States – ADULT (Part 1)

OK, IN THERE –
Who’s really running the show?

PREVIOUS: Ego States – Basics (Part 1)

SITE: Ego State Maps

1. HEALTHY parts of the Self (E.S. = ego state) form in childhood as a response to positive, affirming relationships within a family that is loving & able to connect to the child in all 4 PMES ways.
AS ADULTS – the E.S. become integrated into a larger whole with the Healthy Adult in charge. They work well together internally, in part because they include adaptive introjects of caring, supportive people. This allows such people to function successfully in the world because they have flexible rather than rigid ways of thinking, live ‘in the present’, feel and manage the full range of emotions, hold positive beliefs about themselves & the world, and act in appropriate, productive ways.

EXP of healthy person’s inner dialogue:
Healthy ADULT: “OK, I want my place to look, feel & smell nice, so I’m going to clean it up tonight.”
Playful CHILD: “NOOO, I want to play. I want to go to a movie with my friends & have fun!”
Loving PARENT: “I know little one, but the place is not in good shape right now, & you know you feel much better here when it’s all clean & fresh. We can go play with them another night, & then we’ll have even more fun knowing we’re coming back to a nice home.”

EXP for recovering ACoAs: After a stressful event, the WIC may feel scared & think it’s bad, obsessing about the situation – while the Loving Parent can sooth & comfort, and the Healthy Adult helps to re-frame the event in the light of self-esteem & present day reality. Then the kid calms down & can ‘breathe’.

• The Ego State model provides a way to look at our internal world in the context of our personal history. Under stress we revert to old patterns, which for ACoAs would likely be the WIC & PP being in charge:
a. Either the patterns we absorbed from of our parents, made up of subgroups, so the (P) ego state may include one for mom, one for dad, and possibly others for other people. Most often one of them is bigger & stronger than the others, coming from the parent who was the most available, the loudest, meanest, most controlling….

b. OR the ones we had as kids (C.) – so now our Child state can have a strong layer at age 2, lots of stuff from age 6, leftover issues from our teenage years….. That’s why we speak of the C. ego states in the plural & connect with more than one version of the wounded Inner Child – of different ages, possibly of both genders, and each one holding an aspect of our early self – sad, angry, scholarly, defiant, carefree…. the suicidal one, the determined one, the caretaker, the bully….   (See next post for info on diagram)

2. REACTION to Trauma – To survive overwhelming trauma, rejection & other kinds of abuse, children will form internal E.S. which either end up in constant conflict (Bad Parent vs Natural Self…), either engaged in internal battles OR get cut off from each other (dissociated) to save the child’s sanity, both ways preventing a feeling of security & the ability to extract the most from the outside world.

EXP: Healthy children can create a temporary imaginary playmate but eventually don’t need it, replace it with a real-life friends.
A lonely, isolated child may remove part of its True Self to produce such a ‘friend’ to interact with, making the imaginary companion feel very real & hard to give up (like killing a part of oneself – instead of it getting re-integrated). When such a child is forced to push that part of the Self out of awareness, because of conflict & environmental pressure, it can show up later in life in a different, more damaging form (“We, the Divided Self”, Watkins & Johnson, 1982), but this is not what happens to most ACoAs. We sometimes channel that cut off part into work, the arts… or hide & withdraw from others.

AS ADULTS : All the states are supposed to keep developing throughout life. However they can become contaminated when current reality is overlaid with emotions & memories of childhood experiences.  Unfortunately, because of family dysfunction, E.S. growth becomes stunted so that many ACoAs get mentally & emotionally stuck in Child Mode – which is not our fault.

● Therefore our ‘Parent & Adult’ parts are being expressed mainly (or only) from the Wounded Inner Child’s point of view, with a child’s emotional range, & only with a child’s limited, perhaps twisted, knowledge of reality.  So we can mistake our parents’ rules / slogans for here-and-now adult reality (PP talking), so that beliefs are taken as facts. Or we may be sure that everyone is laughing at us because “they” always laughed at us (WIC’s thinking). That’s even true in spite of years of education & a wide variety of experiences.

When the PP or the WIC gets activated:
● it will take over, while the others recede, have less control, less of a say. Since the E.S. are often in conflict with each other (PP vs Healthy Adult, WIC vs N.C., PP vs N.C.), we waste a lot of time with internal debates but with no resolution, OR we end up paralyzed, not being able to decide on a course of action.
● also, each E.S. will act differently when trying to accomplish something, no matter what the goal is. How the Adult part handles a situation is not the way the WIC’s would, & they could be different again from the PP or LP. This makes it hard to feel grounded & comfortable, especially when under stress. It often makes ACoAs think we’re crazy. We are NOT!
EXP:
– The WIC’s version of an (A) can make us very hard-working & usually very intelligent, but most of our efforts are meant to quiet some internal anxiety (FoA, guilt, S-H, shame…)
– The WIC’s version of a (P) – actually the Introject – is internally very harsh toward the C’s child, while being very dedicated, clever & kind – but only towards others, OR very mean to others while feeling scared & vulnerable.

EXP. of an unhealed person’s inner dialogue:
Bad PARENT voice: “Why can’t you do anything right?”
Victim CHILD: “I know I’d dumb. Nothing I do every works out!”
Disconnected ADULT: “Let’s see, next I need to –, & then I’ll go –, and then I can –”

NEXT: Ego States – Basics (Part 3)

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Time

REVIEW: S & I – Healthy Individuation

REMINDER: Use ACRONYM page for abbrev.

▶ EGO STATES (E.S.):
In the 1970s the concept of the Inner Child & co-dependence became popular.  In the ‘80s & ‘90s John Bradshaw did an excellent series of TV specials focusing on ACoAs & the IC.  Carl Jung is credited with the concept of the “Divine Child”, but the term broke into the mainstream mainly with the book “Your Inner Child of the Past” (1963) by Hugh Missildine, MD. Modern IC work is an outgrowth of ‘Ego Psychology’, ‘Family Systems Therapy’ & T.A.*

*T.A.= Transactional Analysis : This chart is from Eric Berne’s GAMES PEOPLE PLAY, in it’s simplest form & is the basis for all modern Inner Child work.  For Berne, an ego state is ‘A system of feelings
accompanied by related set of behavior patterns.’

NOTE: Having different ego states is NOT schizophrenia, multiple personalities or any other kind of mental/ emotional illness. It’s normal.  The issue is not whether they’re real or not but rather how well they work together!   ALSO, keep in mind that in psychological terms ego is not a dirty word! It simply means the ‘I’ or True Self. The healthier our ego, the more functional we are & the better our lives.

• The human mind is made up of a “Family of the Self” within a single personality. How well these internal parts get along among themselves – in order for the individual to function effectively – can vary greatly from person to person. These ‘family members’ (E.S.) are neural pathways in the brain forged by chemical connections as a result of thinking, feeling or doing (T.E.A.) the same thing over & over, year after year.  When we’re grown-ups, our E.S. are meant to be ‘built in’ resources we can call on as needed, but for ACoAs aspects of the basic states can be distorted (WIC), deficient (poorly functioning Adult), even missing (Loving Parent) due to our upbringing.

• They are called ‘ego states’ because whichever one we’re in, we think of it as ‘me’, our sense of identity (ego = Self).  We’re all born with the makings of 3 basic internal states (P.A.C.) – points of view, inner voices, attitudes – & we know this because kids have the same 3 parts, but in child form (see chart below). Of course we start out just with the Child state, & look to our family’s Adult & Parent parts to take care of us. We also need them to teach us how to function in those 2 modes, so how well our eventual A & P turn out depends on the emotional/mental health of our caretakers.

Ego States (Parent / Adult / Child) are made up of our experiences & activities grouped into clusters which can vary in size & importance, which include many memories, postures, feelings, beliefs…. that were learned at an earlier age. Each state is consistent within itself, having its own Thoughts, Emotions & Actions. They become our habitual way of responding to ourselves & the world, the clusters being bound together by some with a point of view or common ‘truth’, either healthy or not – depending on upbringing.

EXP: The unhealthy (P) may be organized around the belief the “I have to rid the world of all wrong-doing”, & the wounded (C) may base it’s sense of identity on “I have to be perfect to be loved”, while the focus for a healthy (A) may be “I express my talent & training in my work” ….

• E.S. are conscious parts of our psyche which we can shift in & out of – one minute acting like a kid, the next handling a problem, in Adult mode…. They are visible & available to awareness, making it possible to notice, value, work with & modify aspects of them, if they want to. Even so, most people are not aware of which state they’re expressing at any given moment, although others often can, just by watching or listening to someone: “Boy, is he being a brat!” (C) / “You’re not the boss of me!” (P) / “Yes, the suggestion you made is very practical.”(A).

● According to Daniel Siegel, a state of mind (E.S.) can become ingrained when a positive OR negative event is experienced repeatedly, or when a traumatic event is overwhelming. In general, ingrained states of mind become parts of the Self, some by reacting to other people & some by introjecting them:
– Normal Differentiation – which eventually allows for S & I: children slowly separates out their own identity from that of other family members – having different opinions and values  while still being able to stay emotionally connected to them. They learn to discriminate between things they like & don’t like, as well as entire patterns appropriate for dealing with parents, teachers, and playmates

– Introjection* of significant others – children unconsciously accumulate groups of beliefs, emotions & behaviors from their caretakers that are acceptable or not to their True Self. If acceptable, the behaviors get included into their sense of identity (“this is me”), but if they’re not acceptable (qualities of abusive / neglectful parents) then the behavior ‘clusters’ become Inner Objects (“not me”) they have to ‘handle’ or manage by developing defenses

NEXT: Ego States (Part 2)

 

RIGHT ACTION
makes life easier

PREVIOUS: PROCESS – Recovery (Part 1)

BOOKS:   “RECYCLES OF POWER” & “CYCLE OF LIFE”, by  Pam Levin

HEALTHY PROCESS  (cont.)
a. Awareness  (Part 1)
b. Acceptance

c. ACTIONS
i. What: Present-day behavior patterns
• based on real-world info & experience
• motivated by self-respect & permission to act on our own behalf
• the result of S & I – taking center stage in our own life
• considering our effect on others, without being codependent

ii. HOW:
• taking appropriate risks, then observing the results
• learning by trial & error, & never giving up
• always looking for possible, appropriate options
• considering realistic consequences
• asking for, gathering & using a variety of help

iii. WHO: Definitely from the Healthy Adult &/or Good Parent
• H.A. – the competent, objective part of us that has accumulated knowledge & experience about ourselves & the world
• G.P. – the mature care-taking part of us that has both kindness & boundaries, patience & limits, is compassionate but realistic

vi. Like:
• do things for our own growth, not just for others
• stop to decide what to say or do, before ‘jumping’ ( not reacting)
• choose activities that are pleasurable but not self-destructive
• NOT using activities as a cover up for self-hate, loneliness, avoidance of painful emotions & relationship difficulties
• act. based on our needs & in accordance with spiritual beliefs

• based on sound planning, & knowing our current limitations
• consider both the ‘price’ & rewards of our actions
• sometimes NO action is the best option
• some act. need to be repeated many times, to be effective
• learn timing – don’t force or try to control, but don’t wait too long; don’t try to do too much at the same time or schedule things too close together
• always give ourselves, & others, enough time to get things done

RECOVERY – 2 major ways to change our actions:
1. Do the opposite of our old behavior patterns (“Healthy Opposites” post).  The trick is knowing what rational, healthy opposites are
2. Doing the same activity for an opposite reason.  The basic issue here is motive. This is even trickier, unless we are clear what our reasons are for our actions. And, others may not understand, so will sometimes give us a hard time, or walk away frustrated & disgusted.

EXP:  We may repeat an old behavior: staying in bed a lot, sleeping longer than usual, spending more time alone than with others (assuming we’re not physically ill), eating ‘family type’ foods
Old Motivation: To escape, to not feel old pain, not deal with difficult life situations, fear of ‘people, places & things’

Healthy Motivation (same action, new reason)
• to recover from re-experiencing deep emotional trauma (childhood pain)
• to process a major stressor in the present (death, divorce, moving, marriage, a baby, new job, a fire…)
• OR too many things happening at once we have little control over
• recover from an attack from the Introject, when we’re doing well
• catch up on a lot of positive, new input, internally or externally …..
• resting up after a big event (wedding, surgery, travel….)

➼ AND: IF we can NOT take some positive actions we would like to – YET – we can practice patience -  keep working at it & never give up!

NEXT: Rebellion vs Compliance