I’M NOT A CONTROL FREAK -
I just like things done right!

Previous: ACoAs Acting Controlling (Part 1)
Article: Recognizing a Manipulative Relationship

LOVE vs. Control
Genuine love is concerned with the welfare of others, especially the ones we have a personal connection to, while control is all about us – what we can get, how we can change someone, how we can feel better….
Expl: A woman married a genuinely good man, who allows her to be herself. She know he loves her but it doesn’t fe-e-el right – for the very reason that he’s not controlling, the way her family was. The connection between love & control was wired into her emotional brain during childhood & is the image of how relationships are supposed to be. Her WIC says “He doesn’t tell me what to do, so he must not care!” Fortunately her Adult self knows better.

EMPATHY vs Control
Empathy is the ability to identify with another person’s emotions, to put ourselves in their place. This is possible only to the degree that we’re in touch with our own Es, while respecting the feelings, rights & needs of others as valid & separate from our own.
HOWEVER, some sensitives are too easily influenced by the Es of others because they don’t have strong boundaries AND have not yet healed enough of their own wounds. This is not useful empathy.
Controlling is when our needs, requirements, feelings…. infringe on the rights of others. If we let our needs step on someone’s boundaries, they’re are under no obligation to accommodate or empathize with us, because we are being disrespectful & inappropriate. (This also applies to ACoAs when we encounter a controller!) C. are not in touch with most of their own Es so cannot ‘understand’ the pain they cause others.

P.M.E.S. WAYS to control / manipulate others
Physically : use intimidating or guilt-making body language (a fist, a pout), threaten harm or actively hurt someone
Mentally (negative communications): name-call, be critical &  discouraging, use guilt, create unfair obligations ….
Emotionally : pull on someone’s heart stings (cry) or be volatile (rage) – to get one’s way or to punish; also emotional blackmail -  threaten abandonment if someone doesn’t do what they want
Spiritually : promoting false visions, such as ‘the end of the world will be on X date’; false prophets & cult leaders, doomsday literature; also anything which diminishes the human spirit

EXAMPLES of being a Control Freak:
Re. THEM
• Controllers (Cs) are not just opinionated – they always have to be right. They’re not willing to accept & cannot tolerate any differences or disagreements between themselves & others
• Cs are more likely to be moody (up & down), emotionally unpredictable. Because they’re unhappy with their own lives they think controlling others will improve their situation
• Cs use fear to keep others attached to them because of their FoA. If we’re fearful enough, we won’t want to venture out on our own. They tend to focus on negatives in the world – to keep us scared & under their thumb

Cs may or may not have close friends. If they do it’s :
– usually with those who are needy, easily bullied, have poor self-esteem & weak boundaries, OR
– they treat ‘outside’ people better than family members, so they are considered ‘wonderful‘ by anyone who did not grow up with them
• Cs generally are not friends with anyone more attractive, intelligent or well-liked than themselves, & are more likely to be jealous & critical of popular, successful people.
• Cs can sense when they’re losing control, which can trigger psycho-somatic ailments such as headaches, back or stomach pains, fainting, hives…. They can re-gaining control of a situation or relationship by getting the attention, sympathy and concern of others

• NOTE: Cs are very manipulative, playing head games to hide this character defect. They can’t stand it when anyone stands up to them.
The stronger our personality, the harder Cs will work to tear us down. It’s imperative to their unhealthy ego to stay one-up.
✶ This is particularly true of severely narcissistic parents who will make every effort to destroy a strong-minded child so that he/she can not expose or defy the controller.

Re.YOU
•  Cs play on our empathy to gain trust early in the friendship, like: telling us what a hard life they had – in great detail, but they can only trust telling us, because we’re different, special!
•  Cs attempt to define our reality. They tell us what we like & want – or not – according to their tastes. We can say that we need to be lone & they insist on taking up our time… we save something & they throw it away, saying: ‘you don’t need that or it’s not important!’
• Cs remember all the sensitive info we give them about ourselves. They will seem sincere & caring at first, then bring it up and use it to subtly insult us until we agree with them: “Are you still crying about that? It was just a cat / a long time ago / not such a big deal…Right?”

• Cs will accuse us of causing someone else’s bad behavior which hurt us (being cheated on, yelled at, fired ….): “What did you do?”
•  Cs often assume that they understand how we think & feel & are not shy about telling us, BUT they really don’t know! : “Your anger is bringing everyone down” when in fact we’re withdrawn because of feeling deep pain, shyness, confusion…! Also, they can get frustrated & abusive when we don’t act the way they picture us: “Do that in the morning when you’re fresh” said angrily by a morning-person mother to her night-person teen
• Cs don’t hear us when we say NO. They’re unwilling to respect any boundaries – ours or theirs

• Cs get frustrated & annoyed with normal question
• Cs will try to cause trouble between us and our family or friends
• Cs regularly expect us to change our plans to suit their schedule
• Cs make us wait for them – for a response, for decisions, for fulfilling plans or promises…. and they’re usually late, but always have what they think is a legitimate excuse
• Cs rarely give sincere compliments. They don’t want us to feel good about ourselves or take the attention away from them
• Cs can also use excessive generosity as a way to make us indebted to them, so we feel guilty if we don’t reciprocate (AND do what they want!)

NEXT: Letting go of Controlling (Part 1)

EVERYONE HAS TO BE THE WAY I WANT
so I won’t feel so vulnerable!

Previous: Self-care with Cs
Review: How ACoAs Abandon Others, Part 1
REMINDER: Use Acronyms Page for abbrev.

BEING HELPFUL (vs. Controlling – see ‘Healthy Helping’ post)
The opposite of being controlling is to be of genuine help. The 2 main characteristics are:
a. That you are clear about that the other person needs & that they actually want your help
b. That you have the real ability to provide that need, and that you genuinely want to

CONTROLLING (C) behavior is cause by the disowned, unfelt emotion of FEAR! And no matter how optimistic & hard-working, all ACoAs are fear-based, since we lived in constant terror as kids. Because the fear was never acknowledged, comforted or talked about – it accumulated, & now sits like a poisonous fog under all our layers of denial, experiences & determination. That’s not a negative thing to say – it is important to tell the truth. Only then can we change it!
• Like most things in life, controlling comes in varying degrees of intensity
– Some Controllers are so tightly wound that it’s ‘their way or the highway’ & they’ll punish or ignore anyone who doesn’t fall in line with the program
– Others are only C. when under a great deal of stress, especially if too many things go wrong at the same time
– Some are C. mainly when they’re with a certain category of people (children, a spouse….) so that others don’t know what they’re really like in private  
– Even with Recovery, many ACoAs & addicts continue their C. patterns until they do FoO & Inner Child healing work.

ACoA IRONY: Acting Controlling is one more way to keep others at emotional arm’s length,  preventing people from really connecting with us, while at the same time guaranteeing we’ll keep on feeling abandoned by just about everyone! It’s used as a defensive wall instead of developing real boundaries, which are flexible.
NOTE: Just because someone has a forceful personality doesn’t make them a controller. They can have strong opinions about everything, even insist they’re right but not necessarily impose them on others.  
The TEST is: Do they allow you to be yourself? OR do they unduly influence your behavior (make demands, have unrealistic expectations, intimidate)? Stay awake for the difference, in yourself & in others!

GENERALLY, Being Controlling IS
Re US: • often copied from a C. parent
• fueled by deep anxiety – specifically FoA (fear of abandonment)
• generated from the WIC or the internalized PP voices
• used to avoid feeling helpless, powerless, vulnerable, needy
• a form of unhealthy pride – an unwillingness to back down & admit when we’re wrong, need help, don’t know everything….
• never being satisfied, always critical – our attention on what we don’t have rather than what is possible and what is actually available to us
• expressing the belief that we have to ‘force solutions’ or we won’t get our needs met
• a sneaky, dishonest way to get taken care of
• putting our main focus on manipulating the outside world, instead of working on healing inner wounds
• trying to get noticed, be respected, seen, valued, appreciated…but doing it the wrong way (being bossy)
Re. THEM:
• saying that we don’t trust others – to take care of themselves, to be competent, dependable, honest ….  
• being disrespectful of other people’s autonomy, their right to learn from their own mistakes, having their personal life path, their tastes & moral values……
• saying that someone owes you – just because of what you’ve done for them, OR for who you are, what you’ve accomplished, your position…
• a compulsive pattern of trying to get people to be or do what we want, disregarding who they are, so we won’t have to feel abandoned, while picking the very people or situations that guarantee we will, because they’re just like our family
“Where there is control there is no love, only fear”
ACTING Controlling
Reasons:
• Angry – a way to express our rage at our family – whom we can’t always get back at directly – for controlling us, instead of loving us unconditionally
• Needy – as adults, when we’re especially lonely, scared, vulnerable or desperate
• Terrified – the fear, anxiety & panic is so intense that our only focus is to force everything everyone become as safe as possible – for us
Ways:
• Greedy – insist others provide us with things we need in the world, even if we know how to but are afraid to try, can’t ask for directly, don’t have permission …. OR we don’t know how to provide for ourselves and don’t want to learn, so we can be taken care of – finally!
• Manipulative – we try to coerce other people into becoming Good Parent substitutes, instead of developing our own ‘Unit’
• Over-giving – because you’re love-buying, compensating for being in a rage at them or for feeling unworthy unless you pay for love / respect
• Powerless – we may take advantage of someone who is needy or ‘easy’, to make up for being helpless as kids, & as adults, to feel one-up
• Rigid – have a hard time with negotiation & compromise, and they can’t stand imperfection
• Self-Pitying – constant whining about how your life is so hard, you can’t do anything right, people are unfair & mean – trying to force others to be with you in your misery (bring them down, so you have company)
• Sickly – sick, needy, playing dumb… to make people feel sorry for you
• Stubborn – mental & emotional walls used as a substitute for having real boundaries
• Superior – an over-inflated sense of your own importance, being detached & above everyone, being a Know-it-all — makes others feel stupid, vulnerable, insecure & worthless
• Values – C. is sometimes justified by claiming it’s simply wanting to do things the right way, having high standards, being helpful & caring…  
• Victim – constantly: asking to be approved of, saying you’re sorry,  asking for permission to do anything… (makes people feel they have to take care of you)

Beliefs of people who use Emotional Power over others:
About Oneself
• My feelings come first. I need to convert everyone to my way
• I’ll always have to pay an emotional price if I open myself up to others, so I keep them at an arm’s length
• If I’m open to their point of view they’ll try to mislead me
• I have to make them see things my way or they’ll have an edge over me
• Because everyone is out to take advantage of everyone else (me), the best defense is a good offense
About Others
• Dump on them before they dump on you
• Take control of them before they take control of you
• If you keep them busy enough they’ll ignore you
• There’s only one way for people in your life to think & feel – your way
• It doesn’t matter how they feel or react, as long as you keep emotional control over them

NEXT: ACoAs Acting Controlling, Part 2

 

I CAN STAND MY GROUND –
& still be at peace

Previous: Self-care, Internal

If you HAVE to deal with a Controller (cont.):

EXTERNALLY – With THEM
• Be clear & mean what you say, so they’ll know you’re serious
• Be very firm that you’re NOT going to be controlled. Say NO & stick to it even if you feel scared. Most of the time it turns out ok, but some people can’t tolerate hearing ‘no’ & you have to get away from them as soon as you realize they’re not safe
• Don’t let them talk down to you. It’s insulting & belittling
• Point out that their ways make you uncomfortable & are unacceptable
• In a disagreement or argument, stick to your point and the current topic – don’t let them sidetrack you. Write or tape confrontations, to get clear
• Avoid arguing. It’s best to just let the C. carry on, until they’re run out of steam. As hard as it is to not engage, if you just listen but don’t respond, eventually most people will feel ashamed & contrite for carrying on so, especially when their outburst actually had nothing to do with you. This puts you back in control.

• Switch the focus away from what’s wrong with you, & get them talking about themselves on the issue in question. They’ll like that!
• Pick your battles. Unless a topic directly affects you, don’t comment. You can appear to agree & still keep to your own ideas – quietly.
• Try to stay as calm as possible when you’re in conflict with a C., especially since they’re likely to loose their cool because you’re challenging their desperately needed control
• Set your own time schedule for any discussions with a C. or to deal with a need of theirs. Your time is yours to control – NOT them
• Wait before you respond by phone, text or email. Write what you’d like to say & then leave it alone for a while, to think thru the consequences. If you still want to say something, reform it into simple sentences, short, declarative & to the point, using ‘I’ statement, from your Adult voice

Re. YOU
• Be a careful listener (unless you’ve heard the same thing over & over!). It’s easy to tune out when you’re with someone annoying or aggravating. Repeat back what they’ve said & check to see if it’s correct. This reassures them that you understand their point or what they need from you -  especially at work. BUT it doesn’t mean you have to agree or do it!
• If a C. ‘keeps you around’ – whether it’s personal or professional – it means they need you for something! That can give you the upper hand, even if neither of you really like each other. Don’t be afraid to remind the C. that you have value & want to treated with respect
• Emphasize positive things about yourself & let them know about all the good decisions you make on a regular basis

• Ask questions – objectively & without anger. Try to find out what they’re frustrated about, what they really want & why, to minimize misunderstandings.  This shows them the same respect that you want
• If the situation warrants it, & it doesn’t hurt you, explain that you want to be a part of the solution and are willing to work with the C. once you understand the full picture of what’s needed
• Try getting them to switch roles with you for a few minutes. You play the controller & they play you. Then discuss the results.
• Eliminate Controllers from your life whenever possible.  They are energy & self-esteem vampires, need to be ‘put in the light’ & let go of!

ANTIDOTEs to GETTING controlled
• Acknowledge when you are being controlled – without self-hate.  If it has happened to you again & again, it means you were trained by your family to accept bad behavior, but you can re-train yourself away from those kinds of people by working with the WIC & developing a Loving inner Parent
• List specific ways someone’s controlling you. If you’re not sure, give your safest friends & family members permission to identify what they see happening to you. Measure that against what you already know but have a hard time admitting

• Identify the long-standing patterns in your thinking & behaviors that make you vulnerable to being controlled. That means careful inventory of your toxic rules & how you obey them (behaviors)
• Work on changing those patterns, so you can get out from under debilitating relationships, friendships, ‘spiritual’ or other groups, corporate cultures…OR leave as soon as you spot anyone trying to use control on you

• Letting someone continue to control you is a type of addiction – it means you’re as symbiotically attached to the current bossy person in your life as you have been to your parents (even if they’re far away or dead)
• If not already – get into therapy & Al-Anon, to prevent further damage from the controller or to yourself (raging, getting fired, self-cutting, isolating, auto-immune illnesses …. )
• Realize that control is not only a psychological problem but a spiritual one, since it negates your fundamental rights & individuality. You have a right to NOT be controlled.

SITE: Dr. Judy Esmond, Ph.D. suggests that we need to respond – not react – when dealing with controllers, by pausing, breathing, thinking & only then speaking.  Her book Dealing With Difficult People offers 17 free tips that can be downloaded from her website, nodifficultpeople.com.

USE the LIST of Responses from the HEAL & GROW for ACoAs website: Pick a couple & memorize them so they come our of your mouth easily!

NEXT: ACoAs Acting Controlling

I HAVE LOTS OF OPTIONS -
I just need to practice

Previous: ACoAs Acting Controlling (Part 2)
REMINDER: Go to Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

If you HAVE to deal with a Controller:
INTERNALLY:
Re. YOU
• Know you have the right & power to say how you want to be treated.  This comes from knowing your worth as a person – just because you exist
• Take full responsibility for all your thoughts, words, emotions & actions – and what long-standing buttons the C. is pushing
• Focus on how to meet your own needs, rather than on what the C. is doing or not doing. And don’t overcompensate for someone else’s limitations or failures. It doesn’t help anyone, only drains you
• Work at building strong boundaries so you don’t take on the Cs problems
• Be true to your own personality – quiet, strong, talkative, fun-loving, up-beat, intellectual, funny…. Trying to out-control control freaks generally doesn’t work. They’ve had a lot more practice

• Identify what really matters or what you real goal is in each situation & then ask: “How important it this?”,  “Do I need to be right, validated, applauded, justified…, or can I let go in order to be at peace?”, “How will reacting to this person make my life better (or worse)?”.  If it’s not really a life & death situation – literally, you can redirect your energy by quietly talking to the Inner Child, & focus on using Recovery tools
• Write out all your frustrations, hurt  & anger about how the C treats you – and the mental arguments to prove your side of the story, without censorship. Picture all that pain draining into the paper & then burn it – safely!
• Let yourself feel your emotional reactions to the C. rather than pushing them away – separately from the C. (meetings, therapy, journaling…). Know that the pain is coming from the WIC, so take a step back from those Es, putting them ‘outside‘ of yourself rather than drowning in them or sweeping them under the carpet. This defuses the intensity. The best way to protect yourselves is to be fully awake to the effects a C. has on you. That’s what Es are for!

• Conventional wisdom says: “Stop endlessly talking to everyone about a negative event or conflict”, which is meant to stop the drain on your energy.  This is valid if all you’re doing is whining, complaining, obsessing, dumping…. rather than carefully evaluating what’s really going on.
NOTE: However, for ACoAs, as long as a situation is pushing old buttons, our Es can be overpowering, getting in the way of functioning.
What works is to keep sharing what’s upsetting the WIC – in the right environment – for as long as it takes to processes it out & bleed off the accumulated hurt & rage that keeps the obsession alive. We may also need outside validation that we’re not crazy, that someone really is being abusive, that our reactions are normal…..

• Look for the lesson in any difficult situation. That does NOT mean self-blame or judgment. Ask : “What are they telling me about themselves? , Have I been ignoring the signals about this person’s patterns? , Did I stay too long? , Did I somehow set them off? , How are they like my family? Are they just a bad fit with me?”…. Get something out of each encounter with a C. that can help you be stronger, healthier, more awake, more self-protective…. for the future
• Do something physical – run, swim, dance, exercise….it clears the mind & burns off the anger, numbness, fear, frustration…. that deplete us
• Spend time away from the C. Taking a break regularly is important for your mental health.  Do things you enjoy even if the C. isn’t supportive.

WITH THEM
• Observe a controller’s repeated actions rather than what they say. You can’t afford to be in denial by overlooking or excusing their ‘game’
• Quietly notice what the C does & says, like research. Write down what you hear, & the kind of things set them off (their buttons) so you can be prepared when it happens again AND so you can avoid setting them off as much as possible
• Imagine yourself in their place. How might they be experiencing you? What do they want from you? What are they reacting to in you?
Remember – you’re not responsible for their perspective, but it might give you some insight into their motivation, & you may be better able to sidestep or deflect their controlling-ness next time

• When possible, don’t respond – at all. Some C. try to pick fights to get a rise out of you. They like the drama. You don’t have to participate!
• Depending on the person or situation, try applying verbal honey by complementing the C. for something they’ve done well or something you’ve learned from them. It may or may not work, but you have to be sincere in your comments
• Stay in the moment rather than getting caught up in their negative projections of the future

REALISTIC CONSEQUENCES
Ask yourself: “What’s the WORST that can happen to me” IF:
a. I DON’T respond at all? Depending on who you’re dealing with & the circumstances, there can be different outcomes.
b. I DO respond to the C? Consider if it will escalate the difficulty or make it better. If you do say something, it has to come from your Inner Adult for it to have a chance of working in your favor.
✶ Use your knowledge of this person to gauge your options. Think it thru all the way to the end of the line – what has happened before when you did or didn’t comment. The more you stay present for what you know – & use it -  the better off you’ll be!

NEXT: Self-Care Around Controllers (Part 2)

NOT GETTING CONTROLLED -
depends on my self-esteem!

Previous : Responding to Controllers (Part 1)

Reading: “21 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Responding to Conflict”

WHY “Control” our Responses to Cs?   This is a tricky one because as Over-Controlled ACoAs:
a. We are more likely to NOT say anything to controlling, insensitive or abusive people. Our ‘computer’ (frontal cortex) goes blank & we become mute until later – when the moment has passed – & we kick ourselves for not having the words when it counted! This shutting down is from FEAR.
b. THEN, we either hold it in ‘forever’, which eats away at our heart energy,  festering in our obsessive thinking — OR — when we’ve let things go on for too long, we may blow up & rage at someone who’s been bugging us, or at someone else, as a substitute. (The ‘kick-the-dog’ syndrome).

THE GOAL is to get to the place where we can speak up from our Adult ego state in the moment, if & when it’s safe and appropriate – so we don’t hurt ourselves. That way our frustration, hurt & anger don’t build up. This ability is the result of lowered anxiety (Es) & practicing things to say (Ts). Choosing Adult responses benefits us in the short & the long-term.

• Being KIND to ourselves – When we react impulsively or fight back we temporarily feel powerful, but it doesn’t help our self-esteem & personal growth. However, while it doesn’t usually resolve conflict or protect us from further attacks, it is sometimes the only way to get thru to a C. & stop them from seeing us a victim. Many Cs only understand ‘tit-for-tat’!
• It’s best when we can step back, mentally & emotionally, to breathe & process how we feel & which of our buttons was pushed. If we can address the problem in a positive way in the moment, great. If not, we can consider what’s best for us & maybe deal with the offender later. In any case, the less we RE-act the more self-empowering & peaceful we feel.

• Freedom of Speech – Other people seem to think it’s OK to say whatever they want but we are afraid to do the same. We need to give ourselves permission to know & express our point of view as well. But over-reacting to volatile or oppositional opinions has to do with our childhood wounds, & not just to what’s being said in the present. Say what you want, but don’t get into a pissing match.

• Minimize Negativity – nurturing all-consuming anger at someone for their comments or actions only hurts us. We then carry that painful energy into other parts of our lives.  Malachy McCourt (actor, writer & participant in Occupy Wall Street, October 2011) once quipped: “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” FOR ACoAs, these obsessive reactions come from our damaged past. To free ourselves – we can privately do rage-work, & process our hurt in Program & therapy, so we don’t end up reacting to others in a way that makes us feel bad about ourselves afterwards.

• What’s our Purpose? – What our Adult self wants to accomplish & what the kid wants are often 2 very different things. Any time we get riled up about something, we know it’s the WIC or PP, but how we respond to that annoyance will depend on whether the ‘Unit’ is in charge or not. To get the most our of life we have to be clear about our goal in each situation & act accordingly.

Exp: One week-day evening Ally was in a church auditorium waiting to hear a lay speaker.  In the back vestibule a maintenance man was polishing the floor, & the machine was very noisy! Ally went over to the man & asked him to close the adjoining door, but he refused, so she went back & sat down.  A little while later a man in her group went down to the worker, & lo-and-behold — the door was closed! Ally smiled. She knew that many years ago she would have taken offense & been very angry that the worker ignored her (a woman) yet ‘listened’ to a man. BUT she was not upset – because her only need was to shut out some of the irritating noise – rather than being respected or validated by that stranger!

• Where’s the Focus?  The hardest thing for ACoAs is to not take things personally. Whether someone is mean to us or just tactless – they’re telling us about themselves – NOT US! It’s most productive to mirror back to them what we’ve heard, such as ‘Why did you say that?”, or ‘What did you mean by that?”…. Where attention goes, energy flows. We can only focus fully on one things at a time. The sooner we clear up an obsession, the faster we get our life back. Often speaking up for ourselves will put our energy into balance again.

KEEP IN MIND – when we do find ourselves having to deal with being controlled, manipulated or taken advantage of:
• How well we handle the situation tells us a lot about our level of maturity & recovery. Even when we’re stuck in a bad situation, getting nasty or throwing a tantrum usually makes things worse for ourselves. If we let the WIC react, we’re being like the controlling person or monopolistic company we’re mad at.  So – the more we come from an Adult Ego State the more likely we’ll get what we want

NOTE: As we heal, we will be able to handle familiar controlling situations – some better than others, depending on the depth & size each button. 
Buttons are old wounds – things that hurt us over & over as kids, like being accused wrongly, being threatened with abandonment, being ignored, expected to be ‘up’ all the time, often told to shush….
The milder our re-actions to old wounds the better we’ll feel about ourselves. However, some will take a very long time to heal & others may not at all. In those cases the goal is to recover our dignity as soon as possible. DO NOT give yourself a hard time when somethings still gets to you, even after many years of Recovery. That’s just life & being human!

• In most cases we do have choices, even tho many of us are still functioning from ‘learned helplessness’. When possible, we can try out new options.  Exp:
– Immediately end a conversations if it starts to get verbally violent or controlling – by physically leaving, or saying goodbye & hanging up
– Do NOT return abusive or harassing texts!
– End a call with any incompetent Customer Service person and try again until you get someone who can help. We can always choose a different service provider, friend, bank, waiter, church, store…..
– Privately smile or even laugh at the stupidity or ridiculousness of a C’s comments, rather than getting angry or hurt.
– Sometimes the only healthy option is to quit & find a job elsewhere altho that’s not always so easy these days.

NEXT: ACoAs Being Controlling

 

NO ONE CAN CONTROL ME –
unless I let them

Previous: ACoAs getting controlled
Review post: ‘Relationship FORMS 1 & 2’  (Oct ’10)
REMINDER: Go to Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

RESPONDING TO CONTROLLERS  (Cs)
• Even when we’re with someone who is controlling, we always have at least some control of what happens to us, whether we use that option or not.  As Glenda the Good Witch says in The Wizard of Oz “You always had the power!” If we must stay with a C., we have to protect ourselves, otherwise all we can do is capitulate or leave.
Exp: As soon as Jody met sexy Sam at a party, she could tell that he was controlling – just like her mom. Even so, they started dating & eventually he moved in.  His charm compensated, but Jody still needed to deal with his habit of assuming she was exactly like him (narcissistic control). She went along if it didn’t matter to her, but stood her ground when it did. For a while at the beginning of the relationship, to shift the focus from any specific topic of contention – to the bigger picture – she started calling him ‘Martha’ whenever he acted like her mom! It took him a while to catch on, but eventually he got the point & backed off (but most C. won’t!)

Re. THEM – Cs are also wounded people who don’t have a right to their needs, but choose to manipulating others to provide for them & to feel cared for. Pay attention & evaluate which type you’re dealing with:
• Some are not consciously aware of being controlling, & will be confused or surprised if confronted.  They have no idea what they are doing ‘wrong’, but also don’t want to know, so they’re not likely correct their behavior
• Others are aware of trying to deceive or control but will vigorously deny it because they don’t want to be caught (it’s socially shameful) & they don’t want to be responsible for their actions or old pain. So they’re not likely to change either, because they’d have to deal with their damage
• A few will be willing to consider what they’re doing, when it’s pointed out & will work to change it
• And some of us are already in the processes of letting go of being controlling!

Re. YOU
DECIDE: When responding to a C, consider what outcome you want:
– to inform, vent, set a boundary, for self-protection, fairness…. OR
– for revenge, to punish, retaliate, humiliate….
✶ If you want to be as psychologically clean as humanly possible (NO perfectionism!) then practice making neutral or ‘I’ statements:
“I don’t respond well to being bossed around” , “That’s not helpful”!
“It sounds like you’re trying to get me to_________. Is that right?”
“When you ___________, I feel ___________” , “I’d rather__________”
“That’s not what works for me / how I feel about it / what I need…”

EXPECT: resistance in the form of excuses, protests, denials, blaming …. from the hard cases.  You can let them know you understand their feelings & wishes, but that you maintain the right to have yours, even if that upsets them, makes them angry, attack you or leave in a huff!
• No matter what their reaction, you decide what you’re going to agree to – OR NOT, based on your needs, not theirs!

REMEMBER: When someone insists on accusing you wrongly (a big button for ACoAs) or just refuses to ‘get it’, only state your truth as clearly as you can. You may have to repeat your position, but do not try to make them understand where you’re coming from, do not keep explaining why your point is valid, and do not justify yourself – ever!  To stay & argue with someone like that just makes a fool of you!
• The more relentless someone’s controlling behavior, the more narcissistic the person is. In that case you cannot win, because they cannot and will not see you as a separate individual with your own personality. The only healthy thing to do is walk away, no matter how much it hurts, even if it means letting them think they won the round.
➼ To do anything else is to humiliate ourselves!

MIRROR: If you’re around a controller long enough you’ll inevitably absorb the pain & rage they’re projecting onto you (so they don’t have to deal with their own issues).  If we let this continue it’s because we still have too much S-H, AND as a co-dependent Rescuer we may think it’s helping them feel better – to ease the C’s pain by providing attention, understanding & compassion. But it’s never going to be enough to fill their bottomless pit AND it’s not our job to parent them! All we’re doing is rewarding them for toxic behavior, giving them permission to keep up the bad behavior, & allowing ourselves to be their emotional garbage can!

CORRECTION: We need to reflect back to the C. what we hear them say & contrast that with our Truth. Also say how we feel as a result of their behavior, & if possible what emotions we observe in them.  “You just told me I’m no good for nothing. I know that’s not true about me AND it’s not a nice thing to say to anyone!” , “I heard you tell me I’m stupid for not knowing _____.  Why do you need to put me down?” , “You sound really angry at me. What’s really bothering you?”

• Another way of saying this is: Throw the ball back in their court. Let them be responsible for their defense mechanisms – their unhealthy ways of communicating. Do not take it on & then feel bad about yourself.
Exp: While at a party Tina started to talk to a group of friends.  One of the men asked her what she did & she told him she was an Astrologer. He started making fun of her & her profession, which Tina did not appreciate. Instead of justifying her choice of career, or getting angry & attacking him, she put her hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eye, & calmly said: “Why are you talking to me that way?” He was stunned, & backed right up, barely knowing what to say – but actually apologized!

NEXT: Responding to Controllers (Part 2)

PREVIOUS: Getting controlled, (Part 1)
Reading: Dealing with Manipulative people – from “In Sheep’s Clothing” book

REMINDER: Go to Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

REVIEW, using T.E.A.: Many teachers & groups teach us that we choose to feel the way we do, often with a subtle judgment attached. Of course the word feel is being used to mean thoughts rather than emotions, (see post: “Feelings Aren’t Facts”) which is confusing & harmful, as it leads to believing we should ‘control’ our Es! This is not fair or realistic. No one chooses their Es, only what we Think & how we Act! Yes, sometimes changing Ts & As can shift our Es, but not always, especially not when the pain we’re feeling is old & therefore cumulative. That takes time to vent & process out of the body.

• Being controlled is an outward manifestation of beliefs internalized from childhood. And when we consider those Toxic Family Rules (‘beliefs’ being a sub-category of Thinking) we find them very hard to change, indeed.
As adults, allowing ourselves to be controlled in not a conscious choice! It’s a knee jerk reaction to specific people or events that are carbon copies of our family experience.  It’s a clear indication that in those moments of capitulation to the will of another – our WIC is in charge. To flatly ‘accuse’ us of choosing to be manipulated (Action) or be miserable (Emotions)…. only adds to our S-H & is in fact a subtle form of abuse & abandonment..

YES – we are responsible for changing our training. We do need to learn new ways of thinking & acting so we can take back the power we give to others.  BUT we can only do this if -first- we:
– understand what’s actually going on inside of us
– have compassion for ourselves (we didn’t cause this originally)
– remember that changing deeply-etched brain patterns takes time
– learn what our needs are & use them to practice having boundaries
– ask for help whenever we need it, especially when we’re regressed (in that child ego-state of being a victim, lost child, scapegoat…)
– develop & continually strengthen the Loving Parent voice in us

WHO (or what) do we LET Control US?
All but one of these groups can influence us positively or negatively. It’s up to us to know what suits us best & stick to it!  However this list refers to the way our negative relation to each can controls us:
• INNER DAMAGE – everything this blog covers
Also “Bitchlifestyle” blog : Who Controls You, Your Bitch or Your Brat?
• PARENTS – wanting their love & approval at any expense, we often twist ourselves into distorted versions of our True Self – & still never please them or get what we need from them

• PARTNERS – our fantasy beliefs about what a good relationship or marriage is supposed to be (especially for women – to be the ‘giver’) makes us into servants or slaves
• CHILDREN – expressing our love for them can go too far, being afraid to set boundaries or teach them discipline can let them take advantage
• PEERS / FRIENDS – trying to keep up with or out-do them, keep their approval, get their admiration, be in the ‘IN’ group….
• JOBs/ Bosses – expectation, demands … especially the unreasonable one that we think have to be fulfilled. After all, aren’t we used to doing the impossible – or at least trying like crazy?

• NEMESES – (people we’re jealous of or in competition with) – we can do many foolish or self-defeating things to stay ahead of them or keep them from winning over us, whether the ‘prize’ is important to us or not. We become obsessed, over-work, cheat, connive, worry… just to shore up our weak ego
• ENEMIES – A) people who hate us for their own reasons. We didn’t cause it, but we can end up expending way too much time, energy & money trying to win them over or placating them, instead of leaving them alone, praying for them or being neutral – OR-
B) those we hate – & that hatred eats us up year after year – wasting time trying to get even, obsessing about telling them off (but never do), or actually putting nasty plans into motion

• HEROES – they’re usually one-dimensional because we don’t know the real person, & we put them on pedestals – so they’re not fully human. We think that we could / should be like them, but it’s not automatically true that because they can do or be something, that we can too.  And even if we can follow their lead in some way, we may not be able to for many years, or it may be a lot harder that we thought, or we may not have the same resources…. which can leave us discouraged & self-hating. We have to be realistic, without giving up, working toward goals that fit who we are!

You’re being controlled (or O-C) WHEN you STAY:
• on the phone or sit with someone you want to get away from
• in any location or event you’d rather not be (or hate)
• in any relationship, job, home…. way too long
• with someone – when you’d rather be alone, need to rest, or be doing something else, and/or –
WHEN YOU:
• buy or eat things the other person wants you to, but you don’t like
• spend a lot of your time worrying about someone else
• try to be something you’re not, or do things others want – out of guilt
• keep believing a proven liar; keep depending on someone who is continually unreliable
• keep going out with mates or friends who are totally focused on themselves, never on you
• go out with someone because they want you to, or from loneliness
• let other invade your boundaries or say mean things, without objecting
• endlessly listen to someone’s dumping, in too much pain, demanding, needy, abusive – just using you….
• pay for things only to please another (not from love but from FoA)
• take care of very damaged people who need much more help than you can give them, because it makes you feel ‘important’, needed, less worthless….
• feel sorry for others instead of yourself

Controlling patterns are the same as Emotional Abuse.
You’re with a Controller (C.) in any relationship – IF YOU:
BEHAVIORAL
• firmly state a boundary about something, & the C. ignores it completely
• are given the ‘silent-treatment’ as punishment
• feel like you’re running a loosing race, because you’ve been deliberately isolated by the C. to make you only be, do & think the way they want
• have lost friends because the C. complained about or refused to let you see them
• friends or family see a change in you when you are with the C.
EMOTIONAL
• feel depressed & physically drained much of the time
• feel suffocated by the C being needy, over-protective or intrusive
• feel ‘less than’, ignorant, belittled or hopeless when you’re with the C.
• eventually ‘shut down’ and ‘give in’ rather than insist on your point of view being heard and taken seriously
• hide or run away from problems with the C. because you feel too weak to confront & stand up to them
• end up feeling guilty all the time but don’t know why
✶ are being told by the C. that what you’re feeling – anger, fear, frustration – are from your ‘issues’, that you’re causing it, you’re over-reacting…. (denying what they ARE doing!)

MENTAL
• always second-guess yourself, because you’re actually being criticized, undermined or corrected
• worry about the C’s reaction before you make a decision
• tend to ‘go along with things’ to avoid conflicts with the C
• are accused of being boring now because : “You used to be so much fun, more interesting & outgoing…. you just follow whatever I say”
✶ are often told that the C. is not ‘doing anything to you’, but rather that you are choosing to do or be what the C. wants! (Cs take NO responsibility for their manipulations!)
SPIRITUAL
• feel you’ve lost your vision & are willing to compromise your values to try to please them
• are constantly judged & accused of being bad, using a spiritual or religious dogma as ‘proof’

NEXT: ACoAs Acting Controlling

I’LL BE & DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT –

Previous: Backlash of over-control (Part 2)
Article: “Recognizing…..Control” – extensive list of tactics used by Cs

REMINDER: Go to Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

GETTING controlled by others
People who are easily controlled don’t know there’s a difference between -
a. Natural, appropriate authority (& mental/emotional coercion). Being IN control is using our power in a positive way – to be in charge of oneself or to be a good leader. The person in control is the main decision-maker, in charge of communication & makes things happen. People choose to listen & follow Cs because they want to learn, connect &/or be taken care of –
– VS.
b. Un-natural, abusive control. Controllers (Cs) misuse power – they force us to obey them, against our will. They have no regard for our rights, needs or individuality. They use their position to suppress our identity so only their personality is visible. Their main weapon is their anger, aimed at making us afraid, so we’ll be more compliant.

ACoAs letting ourselves get controlled:
• Most ACoAs were negatively controlled as kids, and without Recovery we continue playing out the victim role we were originally forced into. Allowing others to control us, as adults, copies our earliest experiences. It keeps us symbiotically attached to the ‘source’ of our wounds & therefore emotionally immature, AND ‘protects’ us from having to face our own fear of intimacy (“ACoAs & Boundaries, Part 1 & 2”)
• Allowing ourselves to BE CONTROLLED as adults is a dual experience:
First: We have to be around someone who is a controller – who belittles us, embarrasses us in front of others, treats us like a child, tells us what to do or how to be….who is manipulative & intimidating, however subtly.
Second: We have to be available.  While dealing with such a person is unpleasant for anyone, for ACoAs it is emotionally debilitating – but also emotionally addictive!  We fall into a black hole, regressed to an old familiar space of being a powerless child with no options. We’re trapped & become mute! We’ve been programmed to instantly surrender – we have no rights or identity of our own. And then we stay, & make excuses for the controller!

This programming is maintained via:
1. Toxic Family RULES
• “Don’t think for yourself” , “You’re stupid & will never amount to anything”…. which taught us to believe that others are more qualified to tell us what to do & how to be
• “If you don’t like it you have to stay”, “You’re always supposed to suffer”….  insures that we do NOT have permission to object or leave

• “You can never be comforted when in pain” , “Joy, contentment & peace are not an option for you”… keeps us from finding & staying in comfortable, nourishing relationships or environments
• “Other people’s needs & feelings are always more important than yours” , “I have no rights” …. makes us afraid to say what we do or don’t want / will tolerate – lest we hurt someone’s feelings or make them angry at us

• “Do as I say, not as I do” , “Children should be seen & not heard”… trained us to obey authority, no matter how stupid or cruel
• “Be loyal to the family, even if they’re crazy, hurtful, neglectful or sadistic” , “Never, ever hold anyone else accountable for their bad behavior” (especially ‘authority’)… insures that we cling to anyone who treats us as badly as our family, because no one else would want us

• “You deserve to be punished severely for bad things that others do TO you (because it’s your fault)” allows the controller to reinforce our victim status & keeps us from questioning the validity of their behavior
• And of course – our Self-Hate (our WIC’s extension of the PP) tells us we’re not worthy of consideration in any way, even when we don’t like how we’re being treated – SO “Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel, Don’t Think” about the abusive nature of being controlled!

2. ADULT EXPERIENCES
We let others control us because we never developed a Healthy Adult /Parent UNIT, to be responsible for leading our Inner Tribe, leaving the job to the WIC & PP. We give in to others because of:
• Abandonment (FoA) – afraid someone is going to leave us (a lover) or take something important away (a job), we act the Victim, trying to twist ourselves into whatever is demanded of us
• Blanking out – ‘leaving our body‘, which shuts our mind off temporarily & makes us not present at all, so we can’t think or talk – allowing others to push their way into our thoughts & actions, & take over
• Co-Dependence – we’re looking for others to tell us who we are, to know how to earn their love by trying to be what we think they want

• Hopelessness – ‘learned helplessness’ is the outcome of trauma, so we learned to not even try, even when circumstances are more in our favor
• Ignorance: not knowing what words to actually say to protect & defend ourselves, or push someone away when appropriate
• Immaturity – we think when others control us it’s an expression of their love, & we don’t want to be in charge of our own life
• Loneliness – that desperate inner emptiness which is actually a left-over from childhood, and in the present is the result of not having a Loving Parent to be nurturing, which would heal the WIC

• Naiveté – not realizing (or not wanting to know) how selfish, narcissistic & unscrupulous some people are, wanting to believe everyone has good intentions or is just doing their best!
• Narcissism (ours) – whereby we thoroughly believe that everything others do, say, think or feel – is about us. Very little is!
• Perfectionism – we try to be all things to all people to make up for feeling unloved as a child, and to guarantee everyone’s approval
• Sensitivity – we are highly attuned to other people’s emotional distress, which we not only absorb (when we don’t have good Bs) but then try to fix, instead of healing our own
• S-H – a sense of unworthiness so deep that we’ll let anyone do anything they want to us
• Unable – thinking we don’t know how or can’t do anything, so let others tells us what to do

The more we try to please others (and the more people we try to please), we become:
– MORE frantic, disorganized, overwhelmed, angry, unhappy, exhausted
– LESS focused, rested, peaceful, satisfied, pleasant to be with
AND the fewer people we actually please!

Letting ourselves be controlled (by our fear and/or by another person) is giving our power away. Yet we think it will actually:
– GAIN us acceptance, love, continual attention, protection
– PREVENT being ignored, made fun of, punished or left
Unfortunately, this is an illusion!

• We can only achieve these thing with SOME people, SOME of the time, depending on who THEY are! We can be absolutely wonderful, healthy, charming, appropriate… & still be abused or negated by someone who is wounded, angry, prejudiced, drunk, crazy….  The measure of our recovery is how quickly we get ourselves away from such people.   Think: how good people in the public eye are occasionally vilified, even killed, over controversial topics!  What matters is:
a. To be as sane & responsible as we can be, a day at a time
b. To choose wisely who we spend our time with!

NEXT: Getting Controlled (Part 2)

 

THE MORE I CONTROL MYSELF -
the more I can get over on others!

Previous: Aggression, Over-Taxing & Regrets

REMINDER: Go to Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

Some CONSEQUENCES, cont.
4. Over-Control (O-C) & Manipulation
More is not always better when it comes to self-control. It’s hard for ACoAs to believe that vulnerability is not a weakness, but really a virtue. Of course, vulnerability without boundaries is foolish. But here it refers to a defense mechanism becoming self-destructive when over-used
a. Rigidity: In most people, O-C tends to kill the joy of life, robbing ourselves of spontaneity & fun. This self-imposed caution can make us unhappy & unpleasant to be around
b. Secret agenda — But for an ‘elite’ group, O-C is used for an ulterior motive. They’re the smooth operators, skillful in the art of deception & manipulation: the charlatans, con artists, under-cover agents and some politicians, religious leaders, judges, lawyers, teachers and pillars of society.  They will to go to any length to maintain their façade, no matter the cost to themselves, their family or anyone else.
For them:
– self-control is simply one of the tools they use to maintain a positive public image, to not blow the cover on their actual abusive identity
– every action is measured and always proper for the occasion. Every word is carefully selected & they seldom reveal their emotions
✶ O-C makes them feel safe, superior. They’re so numb to their deeply hidden inner pain that they’re not bothered by the harm they do

ACoAs: Ironically – while many of us who are caught up in O-C believe we are total victims & would never think of ourselves as con-artists, we are if fact being manipulative & dishonest without meaning to be .  We hide behind our own special mask (a role, a defense mechanism, a character disorder….) to keep anyone from seeing what we’re convinced is the real us – weak, worthless & despicable! – which is only the WIC’s toxic belief, NOT our True Self.

5. Self-Control & Prejudice
A study from Tufts University showed that effortful self-control can sometimes cause emotional unease and guarded behavior, which could be misinterpreted as racial prejudice in some circumstances.
TEST:
• Researchers ran 2 group of white volunteers through a series of computer-based mental exercises. One group’s set was so challenging that people were temporarily depleted of the mental reserves needed for discipline, while the other group was given a less stressful set.
• Once the subjects were finished they met with either a white or black interviewer & discussed racial diversity, a social situation with the potential for racial tension. Later subjects rated the interaction with the interviewer for comfort, awkwardness & enjoyment.
FINDINGS:
• Those who were mentally depleted (lacking discipline and self-control)  talked about race with a black interviewer more enjoyably (than those with their self-control intact), presumably because they weren’t working as hard to monitor or curb what they said
• Also, independent black observers found that the powerless & therefore less inhibited whites were much more direct, real & less prejudiced in their conversations
✶ CONCLUSION: Relinquishing power over oneself (temporarily) seems to prevent over-thinking and thus ‘liberate’ people to be more authentic, which could benefit both individuals & society

ACoAs: Of course this study does not imply it’s ok to be unruly or a doormat as a result of lowered inhibitions. It’s about “Letting Go” of anxiety, looking good, projecting failure, fear of disapproval, trying to be seen, heard, accepted …. but just being open-hearted & in the moment. Then we can enjoy ourselves, be respectful & put others at ease

6. Over-control & Greed  
A. Empathy Reaction – A Yale University study suggests that too much self-control not only wears us down, but even picturing other people’s S-C can be too much to handle.
• Researchers taunted subjects with the story of a waiter surrounded by gourmet food he was not allowed to taste. Some subjects were encouraged to go beyond polite listening to actually imagine this scene & have real empathy with his situation. Later everyone was shown pictures of expensive items. Those who had put themselves in the shoes of the waiter had ‘suffered’ all the same S-C as he had (vicariously experienced his deprivation) – and they wanted the bling & other fancy stuff they saw, no matter the price.
STUDY Conclusion:
Apparently it’s our fundamental human nature to be out of control (the “id”), so imagining anyone depriving themselves can unconsciously affect us, eventually bringing out the greedy beast in us all!

ACoAs: This result may also be a reaction of empathy for another person’s discomfort. Most ACoAs are acutely sensitive to the suffering of others, having been powerless to alleviate it in our parents & siblings. This quality is admirable except for the fact that we DO NOT apply it to  ourselves.
– Having NOT had enough of our needs met as kids, the more we deprive ourselves now, the needier & thus greedier we become as adults.  We try to fill the ‘hole’ with addiction to people & possessions, behaviors easily triggered by the endless possible choices in our society which can lead us to being over-spenders &/or hoarders.

B. Mimicking Behavior
On the other hand, appropriate S-C can be learned & improved.  U of Georgia did 5 separate studied on the issue of over- vs under-indulgence & found that healthy Self-control is contagious.   EXP: Subjects who thought about a friend with good S-C persisted longer on a hand-grip task commonly used to measure this behavior, while the reverse held true for those who were asked to think about a friend with no restraint.
CONCLUSION:
People tend to mimic the behavior of those around them, so bad habits can spread though social contact. Therefore choosing positive company to hang out with can improve your S-C. “…and by exhibiting self-control, you’re helping others around you do the same.”,  says lead author Michelle vanDellen, psychology professor at the U of G.

ACoAs:  We are so used to staying attached to people who have similar or worse life-styles than those we grew up with – that we continually reinforce our negative attitudes & habits.  This is not helpful or necessary! 12-Step Programs tell us to “Stick with the winners”. This reminds us that one way we really can grow healthier is by choosing our work & personal environments with care!

NEXT: Getting Controlled by Others

GOTTA CUT THESE BONDS –
or I’ll explode!

Previous : Price to pay for Over S-C

HEALTHY age-appropriate self-control is an integral part of mental health, which comes from the ‘UNIT’ ego state.  But constant self-restraint, from S-H & FoA, can backfire.  Among other things it ties up a lot of our energy resources. Eventually we break down or blow up.

STUDIES:
1. Self-Restraint & Aggression 
• Past studies in the Journal of Consumer Behavior showed that exerting too much self-control can increase irritability & anger
• New research also found that making the constant effort to stop ourselves from ‘undesirable’ actions can backfire:
– extreme self-discipline contains the seeds of its own undoing - an explosive failure of control called “dis-inhibition.”  People who are trapped in this pattern can suddenly shift from one unhealthy extreme (being ‘perfect’) to the other – acting out a rebellion against too many self-imposed restrictions over too long a time (becoming a ‘failure’).
– people who try to suppress feelings and behaviors in a variety of ways most often end up with emotional discomfort or distress & cognitive disruption – loss of focus & obsessing about the very things they’re not ‘allowed’ to do!

• Participants in one study were chosen by 2 criteria – those who did vs. did not restrain themselves emotionally – to see how each would react to neutral things presented to them labeled as ‘angry’ or ‘not angry’.  Different categories of self-control were chosen & subjects’ behaviors noted.
Observations re. the ‘restricters’ –
– they more often preferred the ‘angry’ options
– the active dieters preferred public service ads framed in threats
– those who carefully controlled their spending of a gift certificate were more interested in looking at angry faces than fearful ones
– those who picked an apple over chocolate were more irritated by ads with controlling phrases like “you ought to” or “need to,” & were more likely to choose movies with a theme of hostility over other genre

ACoAs: It makes sense that the more we deny our legitimate needs, the angrier – & more depressed – we get!  But this in no way means that it’s OK to blow people off because we happen to be in a bad mood or feel overwhelmed (not letting them know we’re unavailable or have changed a plan), nor to harm anyone when we’re in a rage.

2. Over-taxing self-control 
From U of Minnesota: Professor Kathleen Vohs’s study showed that suppression of emotions (NOT lack of sleep) generates aggression. Half of the subjects were required to stayed awake for 24 hours & half were well-rested. Then all were shown disgusting scenes from 2 movies -  Monty Python’s ‘The Meaning of Life’ (1983) and ‘Trainspotting’ (1996).  Some were allowed to express reactions to the gross images & others were told to show no emotion.
• Later everyone played an aggressive game which they won or lost by chance, & winners were allowed to blast opponent with a loud noise. Those who had -suppressed- their emotions blasted their competitor at a 33% higher noise level than those -allowed- to show emotion, regardless of how much sleep they’d had.
Conclusions:
–”The ability to engage in self-control is determined by prior use of over-self-control, not by how much sleep one had the night before.”
– (Your) “aggressive behavior involves an action by someone else that causes you to want to retaliate”
– “Being taxed by doing one task can have spillover effects on another.” (Even if we try to compartmentalize different tasks we do during the day, it turns out they are all connected – emotionally)
ALSO:
The study suggests that because overtaxing self-control drains us, leaving less in reserve for later tasks, doing that makes it easier to fail at achieving all our personal or social aims.  “People have a diminishable supply of physical & mental energy for self-control. When they use this energy toward achieving one goal, they have less of it available for others.  When you want to succeed, the best thing is to set up your day so you focus your self-control resources on the specific task you most want to accomplish.”

ACoAs:
• Spillover: when we have to sit on our frustrations & anger from one or more sources (work, family, shopping…)  we may take it out on someone else – unrelated, or turn to an addiction to keep ourselves numb
• Energy drain: This is especially obvious when we waste so much effort worrying, projecting failure, obsessing about some abandonment….. that we have little left for actual accomplishments that would make our life better!

3. Self-Control & Regret
Positive use of self-control is the capacity to resist unproductive temptations, such as overbuying, splurging on tasty but unhealthy food or indulging in luxuries we can’t afford, especially impulsive purchases & expenditures that are likely to be regretted later on
Negative use of self-control -
– Hyperopia: the compulsion to always have to ‘do the right thing’ & act responsibly
– Excessive Farsightedness: always choosing virtue over vice
➼ These two related control-distortions can lead to regret & sadness about missing out on the joys & pleasures of life (not smelling the roses along the way) because of a lifetime of making ‘righteous’ choices

ACoAs: Regret is a basic state of mind for many of us.  But in our case, ‘being righteous’ has mostly to do with obeying the Toxic Family Rules, even when we consciously try to be spiritual & generally good people. We complain that we’ve done everything we’re supposed to & but are still alone, have bad relationships & can’t get our life going the way we want. Our EOC keeps us stuck.

NEXT: Backlash, Part 2