ACoAs dealing with ABUSERS (Part 1)

I’M TIRED OF BEING AN OSTRICH -
ignoring what others are doing to me!

Previous: Grandiosity or being Normal

Review Post: “ACoAs Getting Controlled” (1 & 2)

 

1. ACoA SILENCE
ACoAs are more than reluctant to speak up for ourselves. We hold it in & hold it in, & then we eventually explode outward – having a tantrum at others, while some implode – into illness, depression & isolation.  We are equally mute with people:
• who are actually abusive, whether they know it & don’t care, or have no idea what effect they’re having on someone
• who we just think are hurting us by something they said or by not reading our minds (giving us what we need without us having to ask for it), but they really are not – they’re just pushing a button in us
• who are not being abusive at all, but we’re afraid of hurting their feelings, scaring them away or -god forbid- make them angry at us!

We don’t speak up because of:
a. Toxic Family Rule “Don’t talk”   (WE = parents/ community)
• about what’s going on in the family, don’t air dirty laundry – it’s no one else’s business (family shame = family secrets)
• about what you need & want, since we can’t or don’t want to provide them
• about that you think about anything – unless we agree completely
• about what you feel emotionally – we don’t want to hear it, we’re already in enough pain & don’t know how to deal with it, so we don’t need yours too!
• about your personal opinions, values & observations – if they don’t fit in with the family line (the ‘story’ we’ve created about the tribe we all belong to). No matter how twisted, it’s our & we protect it at all costs.
– Along with this rule is the fear many ACoAs have about going to 12-Step programs &/or therapy – seeing it as disloyalty.

b. Fear of Punishment
Of course most people don’t want to ‘be in trouble’ with others, & learn what’s appropriate to say or not say, especially in public. But for ACoAs it’s always about FoA (fear of abandonment). Even as adults we’re afraid of various types of unpleasant reactions from others – when they get angry at, dislike, make fun of or worse – ignore us!
• Our co-dependence (needing others’ good-will to let us feel OK about ourselves) makes us do anything we can to prevent people from expressing any disapproval – which will set off our S-H. Our WIC always takes anything that seems like an abandonment (to us) as punishment, rather than someone else just having their own feelings & opinions, OR acting out their damage.  Much of how people respond has nothing to do with us – but the kid in us takes everything personally. After all: “I’m so unlovable, no one really likes me & sooner or later will leave – unless I make them like me, or else I’ll die”. So it’s safer to be silent – we think!

c. Being MUTE
A basic reason we’re silent is the result of the brain-washing we received growing up. We were trained so thoroughly to ignore what we heard, saw & experienced that we end up not seeing many things that are in front of us (”What insult?”), misreading a situation (“I’m sure they hate me”) or being unable to respond to a painful comment (“I wish I had said…..”).
• No matter how articulate some of us are when we’re comfortable, there are times we get brain-freeze. It’s frustrating when we’re with someone & we get so scared that we shut down completely. In that moment we lose our internal computer screen – it goes blank & we can’t think & talk. Yet a minute later, when we’re alone, the computer comes back on automatically & we know what we should have said! Darn, darn!

d. Our Rage
Most ACoAs know, or at least sense, that we’re afraid of others, especially of their anger. But many don’t recognize how filled with rage we are too.
The reality is that we’ve stored years & years of childhood anger in every cell, and then as adults we pile more on top by staying connected to abusers – familiar and equally as painful as those we grew up with.
• So one more reason we’re afraid to say anything when we’re upset is the fear of not being able to control our rage – we don’t know when the lava will burst out.  We even know at some intuitive level that our reaction, most of the time, is out of proportion to the current situation, even when we don’t actually feel the rage. So we’re not only trying to protect ourselves, we’re also being protectors.

• All ACoAs will benefit from doing extensive rage-work (on our own, in small groups or with professional help – like Core Energetics) so we can lighten our burden – mainly for us to feel better, but also to make it easier & safer for us to interact with the world.

e. Discounting  Experiences✶
ACoAs spend much of our time in daily stress & trauma, internally from S-H & externally from being in unhealthy environments. Because so much of our energy is taken up with these ‘big’ problems, we ignore the more subtle ones, the little ‘nigglies’ in the background. Sometimes these are just life’s trivial annoyances (no hot water, subways are late, we’re out of milk, can’t find something….) which bug us way too much, or they’re the minor unkindnesses of, and disappointments in other people. These also pile up on us, & then we get cranky or depressed & don’t know why.

• When we consistently underestimate the nature of the ‘little slings & arrows’ of irritations or abuse – they seem so trivial – we underestimate the emotional impact those barbs have on us. Just because a paper cut is not life threatening doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt – a lot!
Yet we use Denial & Perfectionism to dismiss subtle info our emotions are giving us – like when we repeatedly get the ‘ICK factor” in our gut about someone. We don’t object to the minor things that bother us because we literally talk ourselves out of believing ‘something just happened’.  FYI – Sometimes a quick cry or fist pounding on desk – relieves the tension!

✶ This category (e.) is different from the peaceful experience of correctly not over-reacting to unpleasant or unimportant events – as a result of healing our emotional wounds in Recovery.  Al-Anon suggests we ask ourselves: “How important is it?”

RESULT:  If we don’t speak up for ourselves when problems are small, they accumulate & grow into monsters, & then we don’t know how to manage ourselves. To correct this ‘cognitive impairment’ takes knowledge of the real world & our inner world, & then the courage to deal with situations as they come up.

NEXT: ACoAs & Abusers (Part 2)

Considering Abuse

 

I’M SO UNHAPPY BEING WITH THEM -
but it must be my fault!

Previous : S & I – Healthy Individuation (Part 2)
Article re. categories of abuse

NOTE: This series will have many lists of abusive behaviors, in many categories, & from different perspectives, so there will be a lot of over-lap in headings and examples. This is deliberate. As kids we HAD to ignore, trivialize or forget what was done to us, & then act out those self-destructive patterns in our everyday lives.
We must identify exactly what happened before we can change it, & repetition is useful in breaking thru our denial. Also, reading or hearing something in different wording & context can more easily get past our defenses. The main (but not exclusive) focus of these posts is on Emotional Abuse.

ABUSE :  It can happen just once with someone, or when we’re subjected to a bully for a short while. But usually it’s a long-term pattern of behavior by a severely damaged,  cruel, angry &/or mentally ill person who uses their position (as parent, boss, teacher, mate, older sibling or friend, community leader…. ) to intimidate others who have less personal or social power, OR to take advantage of those who by nature or training are more accommodating & compliant.
While most people act unkindly, even cruelly on occasion, when provoked or under great stress, what we are looking at here is ongoing attitudes & actions that tear us down, body & soul. Even when they seem intermittent, over time they wear at us !

• In general, Abuse is any communication or behavior designed to control & enslave others – to keep them ‘in their place’, to keep them from leaving, to punish them for not being who or what the perpetrator expects, or to make them into what he/she wants! It is done by continual fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion & manipulation. Abuse is any form of intrusion into another’s psyche. It will include verbal, physical, sexual and/or emotional attacks, financial, intellectual or spiritual tactics, ranging from mild to lethal. To not respect privacy, to be brutally honest with a sadistic sense of humor, be consistently tactless, to expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore…. causes pain.

• Most people automatically assume ‘abuse’ only refers to physical harm – yelling, hitting, beating, broken bones …. so will firmly state: “I was never abused growing up”. However, because human beings are made up of 4 interlocking categories (PMES = Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual) we can be wounded OR encouraged in many ways at each level. Therefore ACoAs can honestly say that we were severely & regularly abused by our damaged parents (& other authority figures) , especially in our emotions (Es). Since honest emotions are NOT widely recognized, valued or encouraged in our society AND in dysfunctional families, we ended up ignoring or minimizing them in ourselves, as well as in others, especially if we didn’t get physically or sexually attacked as kids.

• Most of us never felt loved. Regardless of what our parents said, or how they felt about us in their own minds & hearts – their distorted way of treating us was not an expression of healthy Love. So to compensate, we look for that everywhere we go, & from everyone we deal with. This makes us vulnerable to a subtle form of abuse – being ‘over-loved’, needed & depended on too much, OR being over-protective & infantilized. These are actually ways to treat us as an extension of themselves, as an object rather than a separate being, or a means of their personal gratification. It’s never about what the ‘beloved’ really needs or wants.

PERPETRATORs (Perps):
The most successful perps are “stealth abusers”, being indirect & sneaky, so one have to actually live with them to see & experience it.  Being consistently selfish, controlling & mean is an immature reaction to earlier painful life experiences when the abuser was totally helpless. They use it now as a defense against their own S-H, rage & shame.  It’s about trying to finally feel powerful, assert their identity, create safety & predictability, to be master of everything in their environment – to never feel vulnerable again or have to face their original wounds.
It’s irrelevant whether perps are being deliberately abusive or just unconsciously acting out their damage. The effect on others (us) is the same! This of course also applies to how we treat others.

VICTIMs :
While the majority of physical & sexual abuse is perpetrated against women & children, men in both hetero- & homo- sexual partnerships are also emotionally & physically battered. And now we are beginning to hear more about peer bullying and elder abuse.   Studies show that women with any kind of major disability are at greater risk, as are unemployed men in a household where the woman works.
Victims can be of any age or gender & from any socio-economic level. While standards are different in various cultures, it occurs in virtually all countries. Because it is often learned at an early age, being abused (learned helplessness) is passed from generation to generation like a family disease, called the inter-generational cycle.

Victim’s reaction to abuse
Very confused – Do I have a right to say, or even think, that what’s happening is really Abuse? I doubt it. After all, sometimes the other person is nice to me and fun to be with, says they can’t live without me, or tells me they’re sorry. And the abuse isn’t always obvious, other people like him/her, so I may just be making it all up!  Is how I feel (self-doubting, drained, fearful, angry, frustrated, hopeless …) about what the other person is doing, or am I just over-reacting?

NEXT: What is Emotional Abuse?

Variation of ACoA Laundry List

I HATE READING THIS!
Even so, it’s a relief to know

PREVIOUS: The body & Emotions (Part 2)

• All the PMES forms of Abandonment by parents cause children to hide the parts of themselves that are considered NOT OK by the family, in order to not get rejected: “DON’T make mistakes, don’t have needs, don’t contradict, or successful, or show your emotions …”
Exp: We were told that what we felt was not true or legitimate: “You don’t have anything to cry about, so stop being such a baby”,  “Stop crying or I’ll really give you something to cry about”  “That really didn’t hurt” ,  “You have no right to be angry” ….

Self-Hate – As a result of being mistreated as kids, the most visible issue for ACoAs now is our intense S-H: “I’m no good, no one will ever love me, I can’t do anything, my need don’t count…..”, the defense mechanism all children develop to protect themselves from experiencing the original pain suffered throughout childhood (abandonment), and from acknowledging to themselves how hurtful their parents were.
S-H says: ‘Everything bad that happened to us  – past or present – was / is our fault.’ (Review S-H posts)

• This belief gives the WIC a false sense of power – “If I caused it, I can fix it!” However, the reality is that we did not create the damage that was done to us – that is the responsibility of the adults who raised us. We were the victim of their wounds – then. NOW, we’re responsible for healing ourselves so that we can become our True Self!

Because of childhood Abuse, Neglect & Abandonment, in the present -  WE:
• are perfectionistic, driven, rarely satisfied – especially with ourselves
• are intimidated by or feel enraged at controlling people
• expect others to hurt, judge or take advantage of you
• experience temporary dissociation (splitting), disconnecting from self

• feel chronically empty or numb inside, easily bored, restless
• feel like we’re always under scrutiny – even when alone
• find it hard to relax, laugh or be spontaneous
• keep ourselves isolated from shame & so ‘no one can hurt or leave’ us

• frantically try to avoid real or imagined abandonment – by clinging, people-pleasing, being invisible….
• lose ourselves in relationships by automatically & continually putting others’ needs before our own
• over-value & then under-value people we get too close to

We HAVE:
• a confused or distorted self-image: “Who am I really?” , “What do I really look like?” (feel ugly, fat, too thin too short….)
• chronic obsessive thoughts, going ‘round & ‘round without solutions
• compulsive self-damaging behaviors in 2 or more areas of life, such as an eating disorder, addictions, fights, under-achieving….

• harsh “inner critics” that torture us, especially after any disappointment or loss
• impulsivity – can’t control our choices & reactions
• inappropriate & intense anger; difficulty controlling temper
• mood swings not caused by bipolar disease

• paranoid thinking – as a regular way of experiencing others
• recurring suicidal thoughts or actions
• trouble asserting ourselves or feeling proud of our accomplishments
• trouble finding a spiritual belief, or one that feels right

ACoAs are very intelligent and determined. With the right kind of help we can heal from these wounds and prosper.  Al-Anon, therapy, a spiritual practice, reading, & staying connected with other ACoAs in Recovery make all the difference. Don’t forget: ‘Progress, not Perfection’

www.acoarecovery.com

NEXT: Identifying Emotions (Part 1)

PARENTAL BLAME (leads to Shame, Guilt & Revenge)

 

WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY FAULT?
No matter what I do, it’s wrong!

PREVIOUS: What is Guilt?
REVIEW posts on: Guilt, Shame, Revenge

INTRO
There is a lot of talk in the ‘spiritual’ community about forgiveness – ie – that we should not be blamers. Not blaming ourselves (S-H) or others (an attack) is a good rule for us in the present – now that we’re adults. And that’s a discussion for another post.

However, those same teachers & preachers never talk about what was done to us as kids – that among many other types of harm, our parents unfairly, inappropriately blamed us for all kinds of things – and what that did to our tender & vulnerable developing sense of identity!  This post is about what happened TO US as children. A hallmark of alcoholic (& other emotionally unhealthy) families is the mistreatment of their children in all 4 of life’s aspects: Spiritual, Emotional, Mental, Physical.

➼ Parents blaming their children for ANYTHING is ABUSIVE. Blaming us is the same as holding us responsible for their deficiencies & unhappiness.
Remember – abuse is not just physical, in all its forms. It encompasses all the ways people harm others – especially their children – by injuring another’s rights, self-esteem, mental clarity, sense of safety, emotional equilibrium & boundaries. So Blame fits into 3 categories – S, M & E.

1. IN OUR CHILDHOOD
Our damaged parents blamed us for things which :
a. were NOT our fault (difficulties because of a learning disability, like dyslexia or ADD; the illness or death of a parent; a parent being left by a lover or spouse…)
b. was a projection of what the parents are guilty of (being fearful, irresponsible, lazy, feeling unlovable, risk-averse….)
c. we were not doing what they’re being accused of (being a ‘whore’ when she’s too young to have had sex at all OR seducing a parent’s lover/ spouse, when that adult is actually sexually abusing the child; using drugs, when the kid never has…)

d. we couldn’t do, especially without any instruction, & is accused of being stupid – when he/she legitimately can’t know something (fixing a car or other machinery, shopping by themselves, ‘getting; a hard school subject,  expected to know how to fix a parent’s personal, sexual & financial problems or forced to take care of a drunk or crazy parent, alone…)
e. were actually no one’s fault (an act of God, getting sick or having an accident…
f. one of our siblings or other child did, but we were held responsible for, especially if we were the Hero or Scapegoat (start a fight; steal or break something; get into trouble at school…)

g. our parents were jealous of, because they couldn’t do something we could (a natural skill or gift) & so they made that ability a bad thing
h. was mostly not true – like: always lying (“Kids always lie so we can’t believe anything they say”), always being stubborn, selfish, too sensitive, difficult, disobedient, stupid….
➼ This last category may be a group of normal childhood characteristics which:
– sick parent cannot tolerate because of their own issues
– occur sometimes as a defense in the child because of family abuse & neglect…
– happen occasionally because kids are human ie. imperfect. Those behaviors & attitudes then get demonized – which make them both a ‘sin’ and more likely to continue, while we try to be perfect. We CAN’T WIN in a sick environment.

SOURCES of Parental Blame
a. Projecting their own self-hate, frustration & inadequacy onto us
b. Copying what was done to them – without any self-awareness, considering the effect on us or questioning if their behavior made sense
c. Automatically reacting badly to normal child behaviors which trigger their own old pain (their denied traumas, still unresolved)

d. Another way to take the focus off of themselves – making us responsible for their unhappiness allowed them to keep their denial in tact, thus perpetuating the ‘disease’ of alcoholism & narcissism
e. Parental Narcissism – seeing us as an extension of themselves, rather than as separate individuals, & their need for us to be perfect – in order to keep up the illusion of their personal & family OK-ness.

Kids are too young & vulnerable to fight back, stand up for themselves or even understand exactly what’s being done to them – only that it HURTS! And when they’re old enough to try – if they dare – they’re punished without mercy!
➼ Pushing away intense S-H & shame —> creates the need to BLAME someone or something else for ones own fears & lacks.

2. IN THE PRESENT
Now when others blame us (if were victimized that way as kids) :
a. we believe what that person is accusing us of (boss, parent, lover, friend…) because it agrees with our Negative Introject
b. we take that blame on, which feeds our self-hate. We feel terrible, & try to ‘be/do better’ BUT we may not have been at fault in the first place and one can never win, anyway, when dealing with a blamer!

c. we continue to choose (unconsciously) those people as friends, lovers, bosses… who already have the habit of blaming others – TO:
• keep us connected to / locked into our family system, from a sense of
loyalty, love AND denial about how much that system harmed us
• validate our self-hate: after all, if our family told us over & over that we’re a mess – and see – all these other people tell us that too – then it must be true !
➼ THAT WAY we never have to hold our parents responsible for their verbal & emotional abuse, because it feels ‘safer’ to keep blaming ourselves, even though it’s self-destructive! (review: “They did the BEST they could” post, #2, b, ii.)

NEXT: ACoA Site Map