ABUSE of CHILDREN (Part 1)

 

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY EXPECT
- I’m just a little kid!

Previous: Traits of Abusers

READ: ACAs ACOAs ACODF Blog, re. childhood abuse’s effect on the brain

SOME PATTERNS: the following come from various Child Abuse sites.  These source of these abuses are primarily from the immediate family, but apply as well to other caretakers and peers.  You can add any of your own experiences not included.
CHILD SELLING
Buying, selling or trading for legal or physical custody of a child.  Does not apply to legitimate adoption or domestic relations planning.

COLDNESS
Expressed in all 3 T.E.A. forms. Some characteristics: acting superior, angry, critical, distant, guarded, indifferent, little or no empathy or compassion, passively withdrawn, self-absorbed, too independent and self-reliant, shut down, uninvolved, untrusting, withdrawn….
• When parents are consistently unavailable, emotionally cold & also don’t allow or ignore the child’s own emotions, they deprive them of the necessary ingredients for intellectual and social development.  Children subjected to consistent coldness grow to see the world as a ‘dangerous’ uninviting place, and will likely have seriously impaired relationships in the future, AND may never feel confident to explore and learn.
• HEALTHY: If parents are warm and loving, children grow to see the world as a secure place for exploration and learning.

CORRUPTING
DEF:  To contaminate morally, ruin utterly in character or quality, change the original form of, destroy or subvert the integrity of…
✶ From the Canadian Criminal Code:  “Corrupting children: Everyone who, in the home of a child, participates in adultery or sexual immortality, or indulges in habitual drunkenness or any other form of vice, and thereby endangers the morals of the child or renders the home an unfit place for the child to be in, is guilty of an indictable offense and is liable to imprisonment for two years.”  (S.C. 1953-54, c. 51, s. 157)
When parents model for, teach or force children to engage in antisocial behavior that is harmful to themselves & others, they grow up unfit for normal, healthy social interaction, such as:
• encourage or allow criminal activities
• ignore or reward child for substance abuse; supply child with any form of illegal substance
• teach “Win at all costs”; encourage violence in sporting activities
• reinforce inappropriate sexual activity; force or promote prostitution
• reward child for bullying and harassing behavior
• encourage & reward child for lying, cheating and stealing
• teach hatred, racism, ethnic or religious bias

CRUELTY
DEF: Causing the suffering of another, indifference to the pain that is caused, even feeling pleasure in inflicting it. Can be direct (cruel comment, physical torture….) or indirect (any form of withholding, such as deliberately ignoring a child, or someone not supplying a desperate need of another which they’re actually able to provide)
• Results can be similar to ‘coldness’, but more severe. Children need to feel safe and loved to explore the world around them, and to form healthy relationships. Experience cruelty from their caretakers causes the world to stop making sense – so that social, emotional, and mental development of the child are hindered & prolonged.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
DEF: A pattern of assaultive and/or coercive behaviors in the family, including physical, sexual and emotional abuses, as well as economic coercion that adults use against their intimate partners to gain power and control in their relationship.
• This includes parents battering the child, exposing children to the adults harming each other or another sibling, as well as cruelty & inhumane acts against animals, in & out of the home.
It is present in all cultures, socioeconomic classes & communities of faith. 2 out of 3 children growing up with physical & other kinds of violence will either become a batterer or consistently mate with one.

EMOTIONAL Abuse
DEF: — “Acts or omissions by parents or other caregivers that have caused, or could cause, serious behavioral, cognitive, emotional, or mental disorders. (From the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect)
– “When a child is regularly threatened, yelled at, humiliated, ignored, blamed or otherwise emotionally mistreated”. AMA
✶ E.A. is a type of brainwashing which leaves deeper & longer-lasting scars than physical ones, which eventually show up as problems mentally, emotionally &on all 4 PMES levels. It can include excessive teasing of infant or child; ridiculing youth in public, telling a child it’s adopted (when it’s a lie) to make them feel unwanted, threaten to give them away….

• One of the most common forms of E.A. is belittling children, causing them to see themselves as the caregivers describe (worthless, lazy, selfish, unlovable …) acting like a very distorted mirror. This slows down the growth of the child’s talents & skills, or inhibits them altogether, by severely limiting the child’s own sense of identity & what they can accomplish. E.A. systematically wears away the child’s:
– trust in their own perceptions, thoughts & experience
– self-confidence, sense of self-worth, value & identity
– ability to judge situations realistically
– belief that anyone else could ever want or love them
– willingness to try new experiences, or to take appropriate risks
– ability to take in compliments & trust positive reinforcement from others
SEE posts on E.A.

NEXT: Abuse of Children (Part 2)

INDIRECT Abusers

…. BUT HE’S SO NICE TO ME -
the rest of the time!

PREVIOUS: Direct Abusers

RESOURCE: Dr Irene’s great Abuse & Recovery site

REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

COVERT ABUSE  (CA) – Emotional, Mental & Spiritual
• Emotional abuse is one of the most under-reported types in the US today. Blatant emotional cruelty may be noticed & definitely felt by a Victim (V). (even if they ignore or excuse it) but daily or periodic abuse in smaller doses can too easily be ignored, as it gets woven into the fabric of the relationship. Typically the V. will say : “It’s not all bad, You don’t know him the way I do. I know she loves me. When something goes wrong it’s really my fault. He didn’t meant it. She’s just under a lot of pressure. I don’t want to miss out on the good things we have together. He needs me. It’s only because she’s in pain” ….

• Sneaky Perpetrators (P) are also full of S-H & FoA, but they hide it better.  They too think they’re unique, so different from others that they don’t have to follow the same rules as everyone else. Yet they actually have a lot in common with all other Ps, sharing similar thinking & action patterns.  While they may never lift a finger to ‘harm’ anyone, the internal damage they do to others, with it’s long-term scars, are much harder to heal.  Victims are threatened & terrorized (emotionally) when they try to object to how they’re being treated. A result is that they don’t believe they have a right to identify themselves as victims, or that their mate, adult-child, boss….is actually abusive.

• TO outsiders, emotional abusers (E.A.s) don’t stand out – they usually present themselves as decent, successful, calm. They have a  talent for creating an image for the public eye that contradicts what happens behind closed doors. They use public venues to have an adoring audience & as an outlet for their ‘better’ qualities (work, church, politics….), but will take out their emotional sickness on those who are closest, most vulnerable & most dependent on them. Ps needs a safe place to let their dirty hair down where no one will judge them, hold them accountable, object or leave!
TO their families, they’re often controlling, self-absorbed, hypercritical, compulsive, childish and mean-spirited. What’s so confusing is that this type of abuser is actually BOTH. But the abusive side always wins out in private.

• CAs are passive-aggressive, which means they show their anger (aggression) sideways (passively) by withholding information, deliberately stalling, being stubborn, sulking, and/or not trying their best. They ignore reasonable requests to put in a reasonable amount of effort into their closest relationships. They pick partners who are push-overs, with low self-esteem, who find it easy to make excuses for the other person’s terrible behavior.
EXP: Ps will make you choose an action that affects you both (dinner, movie, trip….) & then blame you because they didn’t like it or it didn’t work out. They also may deny that you asked them for their opinion or input in the first place, accusing you of being controlling. You get set up!

Abusers & Therapy
a. There are some covert abusers who seek out therapy because they’re in very real pain, and will even go for years & years, but aren’t willing to dig into their unconscious (their Shadow) in order to clean out their pain & correct their CDs. These narcissists, borderlines, paranoids…. are trying to get relief by ‘using’ the therapist as their nurturing parent rather than learning how to parent themselves. Unhealthy counselors will fall into the trap & become enablers, while the healthier ones will challenge the client to grow, which is never well-received!

b. However, most deeply entrenched abusers (hard cases who have too much to lose) won’t go to therapy because the problem is with other people, never them.  If pressed, their reasons for not going may be:  lack of time or money, they are handling things themselves, they don’t believe in airing dirty laundry, they tried before & it never helped, it’s all psycho-babble & B.S. anyway….

c. If they do go for some kind of help, it doesn’t last & there’s no genuine improvement. Maybe they’ve been told by their adult-children, friends, a spouse….. that they’re abusive & need help. Maybe they’re forced to go in lieu of losing their job or serving time. In any case, their real motives are:
– to get the mate or child to return to their clutches
– to save face, their job, or prevent some other loss
– to get better at their all-consuming passion – psychological warfare – by using their newly learned therapeutic info & tools, but in a distorted form
– so they can demand credit for ‘trying’, but will inevitably blame the V. when nothing changes – meaning that the V. isn’t behaving as the P wants.

SO, it’s completely unrealistic for us to believe that the P. is going to counseling to face their underlying damage, the same way you can’t trust a married boyfriend who keeps promising to leave his spouse.
The game “LHIT – Look how hard I’ve tried” from GAMES PEOPLE PLAY, by Eric Berne, lays out the pattern & can be applied to many different situations – gov’t leaders, poker players, office workers, spouses… The person acts like they’re making an effort but really aren’t. (Read more)

BOTH Direct & Indirect abusers harm mates, children, friends & co-workers, but NEVER because of anything the Vs are or have done! Their mis-treatment is all on their own shoulders.  Therefore, no effort on the V’s part to stop the abuse will work. As with others addicts, the P must be willing to face & own their actions & deeper motives – & get outside help. Al-Anon teaches the 3 Cs for Vs: “I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it.”

The GOOD NEWS:
Given enough time, many victims get to the point where they suddenly wake up to their rights, understanding & finally believing the abuse is not deserved. They’ve had it, & decide to get help for themselves. And the faster we can come to this conclusion, the less wounding we have to heal. SO listen to that still small voice whispering in the background, to your gut & all the comments from others about your situation. YOU can change your life.  If the abuser can not tolerate the changes in you (likely), then plan your escape!

NEXT: Being In Denial