MASCOT Family Role

IF I DANCE FAST ENOUGH -
they won’t feel the pain!

PREVIOUS: Lost Child Role

❧ MASCOT
GOAL
Provide diversion from the family’s problems & making everyone feel better with their comedy & zaniness

PURPOSE
For Self: feel scared & powerless in the middle of the family mess & try to interrupt physical & emotional tension & danger to protect themselves
For Family:  They are genuinely ‘immature’ but play that up to draw attention away from the scary adults. Use comic relief to lighten the ‘heavy’ atmosphere, cover up the depth of the family sickness by keeping the focus on themselves & create a diversion to diffuse volatile situations. They take responsibility for the family’s emotional well-being & become its ‘social director’.
• Can actually hinder Recovery while using humor to communicate awareness of the dysfunction rather than address it head on, & to indirectly express emotions in the family such as anger, grief, hostility or fear by satire, sarcasm, teasing….

BIRTH ORDER:  Usually the youngest, but not always

IN SCHOOL
Class clown or cut-up, admired by classmates for making school enjoyable.
Are hyper-active, have difficulty concentrating on studies, so may develop learning deficits, & conclude they’re not intelligent (which is not true)

FAMILY TREATMENT
Assumed to be happy-go-lucky but not smart or capable, are the ones everybody in the family loves & prefers, may be seen as fragile, so over-protected & shielded from life’s problems

ACTIONS /STYLE
• Personal: They spend little time at home. Have lots of friends, a short attention span & inappropriate emotional responses (laugh when things are serious or painful). Avoid angry confrontations, go “with the flow”; disown responsibility, attract constant attention, are exaggerated & dramatic, hyper-energetic, disruptive, may get into trouble but not the malicious kind like the Scapegoat does
• Social: They can make obnoxious jokes about the family by using inappropriate humor to indicate their own repressed anger. Use fun to amuse their circle of friends but are not taken seriously & may be subjected to criticism & rejection for being silly & flaky

DEFENSES
Exaggerate immaturity, being super-cute, acting dumb, making fun of self, doing anything to get attention – clowning, humor, becoming an actor, addictions

DEFICITS
Attention seeking, distracting to others, stay immature, difficulty focusing, poor decision-making ability, superficial, ‘in the dark’. Fearful of looking inside & being honestly about feelings & behavior, so will be out of touch with ‘unpleasant’ emotions and their spirituality

BELIEFS
From: “I must take their pain away”
“ If I make people laugh, there is no pain”
“ I only have value as an entertainer”
To: “I have value for who I am, without being amusing”
“I can be comforted & loved even when I’m not ON”
“ I’m not responsible for others’ happiness”

EMOTIONS
Terrified, lonely, embarrassed, sad, anxious, deeply insecure, S-H, inadequate &  unimportant – show shame with depression & addiction

COST TO SELF
• Rarely feels loved for themselves, but rather for playing this role and keeping the family entertained.  Not allowed to have sadness or any other painful emotions.  ALSO not allowed to be clever, functional, show what they can accomplish in a serious way. They ignore all suffering, which may later show up as illness, & deny the right to know their True Self.
• Their frenetic social activity is often a defense against intense inner anxiety & tension. Their inability to cope with that stress can leads them to believe they’re going crazy. If this is not addressed, they can slip into addiction, mental illness or committing suicide

PARENTS CAN HELP CHILD
TO:  express humor appropriately, learn to take care of self, manage need for attention, find ways to be competent
BY: Be consistent & firm; do not push, only remind, & reward by using natural & logical consequences to their actions, DO NOT reinforce sick, sadistic or self-deprecating humor with laughter

AS ADULTS
Without help : Persist in immature behavior patterns, & may marry a Hero to take care of them. Instead of dealing with problems, they will run away – ignoring them, changing the subject or making a joke about everything. Generally can’t handle stress & always on the verge of hysterics

Adult RECOVERY NEEDS
To take responsibility, risk being serious and to be taken seriously, learn assertiveness, study something in depth, feel all emotions

STRENGTHS
With help: Valued for their kind heart, generosity & ability to listen. They’re charming people, entertaining hosts, have a good sense of humor, know how to play & enjoy, quick-witted & witty, joyful & bring joy to others, flexible, independent, helpful

LOST CHILD Family Role

 

I’M INVISIBLE,
& they like it like that!

Previous:  The Scapegoat

❧ LOST CHILD
GOAL
Provide relief for the family – sacrificing their identity & desires to give parents one less thing to worry about

PURPOSE
For Self: hide from the chaos, from the physical & emotional abuse (under a table, in a closet, their room, the nearest library), avoid being responsible for anyone else…. by withdrawing into a fantasy world, making themselves very small & quiet
For Family: they relieve some stress by not causing an additional burden, provide privacy by not airing ‘dirty ‘laundry’, help family avoid serious problems by never mention alcohol, underlying roles or Recovery

BIRTH ORDER: 3rd or middle child

IN SCHOOL  :Loose themselves in school work, good grades, don’t want to participate, called the ‘space cadet’, geek, nerd….

FAMILY TREATMENT : Generally ignored, or considered a ‘blessing’ for not expressing needs.  Last child parents will think to get help for because they go unnoticed

ACTIONS /STYLE
• Socially Acceptable :  Pleasant when spoken to, quiet & unassuming, don’t call attention to self, have opinions but don’t express them, never make waves or demands
• Socially Awkward:   Distant, ill at ease with others, uncomfortable when focus is put on them, little or no expression of emotions.  Hide out to not be a bother. Strong attachments to animals & things instead of people, sometimes with one close friend but often none. May have confusion or conflicts about their sexual identity and functioning

DEFENSES
• quiet, aloof, ‘invisible’, super-independent, depressed/ suicidal, feel easily rejected while always staying aloof, deny getting upset
• use chemicals, food, porn…. to dull the pain, so become addicts, can be overweight, bulimic or anorectic….
• drift thu life with no little or ambition so may be under-employed or obsessed with one ‘big’ goal (realistic or not, productive or not)
• day-dreamers – buried in books, internet, religion / spirituality, creative mental pursuits, keep a diary, draw, listen to music, watch TV
• may try to get attention indirectly by getting sick, having asthma, allergies, or by bed-wetting

DEFICITS
• poor communication skills, unable or unwilling to initiate (passive), have hard time seeing choices / options, tend to lack direction, afraid of making decisions
• give up self-needs & the possibility of asking for or being offered help,  follow without questioning, easily bullied & made fun of, avoid professional help

BELIEFS:  
From: “Why should I feel? It’s better I  don’t”
“If I don’t get emotionally involved, I won’t get hurt”
“I can’t make a difference anyway”
“It is best to not draw attention to yourself”
TO: “I deserve attention”
“I do make a difference, I am of value & people will value me”
“If I don’t get emotionally involved I’ll never have meaningful connections”

EMOTIONS :  Lonely, rejected, fearful, sad, suppress anger, hurt, depressed, show shame with procrastination & being the victim

COST TO SELF
Always feel different, like an outsider, don’t know how to get their needs / wants met, including need for personal connections, have social phobia so stay ignored & unappreciated, hard to get credit for abilities, feel suicidal

PARENTS CAN HELP CHILD
To: use creativity & imagination, be more social, express emotions, feel important, useful & valuable
By: giving private encouragement & praise, don’t criticize, encourage anything positive,  provide opportunities to be successful, include child in family process

AS ADULTS
• Unsociable: the most obvious isolators, withdrawn from life to hide from whatever will hurt or make them uncomfortable – which is almost everything.  Terrified of intimacy, they most often avoid connections all together
• attracted to any solitary work or careers where they don’t have to deal with people
• ’Sociable’: if in a relationship they’ll be noticeably unavailable in many ways, pick controlling Heroes or unpredictable chaotic Scapegoats or Mascots
•  If artistic, will be excellent actors, studying their parts carefully, glad to hide behind a fictional character
• Generally: when needing to make a commitment based on logical thinking, feel they have few options because growing up they just went along with whatever was going on, instead of think thru possible choices
• Without help: they’re indecisive, can’t say NO, have little or no passion, fun or zest, don’t change & grow, are always alone or promiscuous, die early

Adult RECOVERY NEEDS
• to reach out, deal with loneliness, face their pain, make a few deep relationships, give up victim position
• become a team player, practice flexibility, taking the initiative, making decisions, notice & use available options
• With help: they can express talents, creativity & imagination. Can become assertive, resourceful & independent (instead of isolated)

STRENGTHS
• work well alone, self-reliant, quiet,
• easy-going, understanding, patient, spiritually developed
• resourceful, creative, flexible, non-conformist, quirky sense of humor
• well-read, scholarly, good observer & listener

NEXT: Mascot Role

SCAPEGOAT Family Role

 

IF I GET INTO ENOUGH TROUBLE,
they won’t have to!

Previous: The Placater

❧ The SCAPEGOAT
GOAL
Provide a change of focus by allowing everyone to think they are the source of the family’s problems

PURPOSE
For Self: take on the ‘bad-guy’ role to protect the addict or other main trouble-maker from having to face his/her pain, their sacrifice given as a love-offering
For Family: serve as the “pressure valve” in the family when tension builds. They misbehave to draw attention away from the ‘problem’ parent so the family’s problems is anything other than the addiction.
• To protect the family from any outside interference (cops, social workers, shrinks, social services….) & to prevent change.  They act out the tension & anger everyone ignores, doing things the ‘wrong way’, to show family what’s really going on hoping they’ll can learn from it

BIRTH ORDER: Usually the second child, sometimes the first boy if an older sister is the Hero

IN SCHOOL
Academically borderline or failing, they drop out, get suspended or kicked out, may not graduate

FAMILY TREATMENT
The family makes them the ‘black sheep’ & then feels ashamed of them. They’re compared negatively to older siblings & may be taken to therapy to get ‘fixed’. Targeted to be Scapegoats, either because they’re:
a type: hyperactive or sick, so are easily bullied, and/OR
b type: the angry, rebellious, problem child who has the guts to say or do what no one else will, & so is easily ‘set off’ / reactive

ACTIONS /STYLE
Personal: They are the most sensitive, caring & emotionally honest family member. Scapegoats are actually the strongest ones, since they carry the “sins” for the entire family. Their sensitivity causes them intense pain when mistreated, making them self-hating & self-destructive. They are a romantic who becomes very cynical & distrustful from being the “target” of the family’s dysfunction
Social:
Often act out in front of others, putting on a tough act. They’re the troublemaker, disruptive, intrusive, argumentative, unwilling to take responsibility, attention seekers, negative leaders, verbally dishonest, blaming others, secretive, sneaky. Rebellious (constant trouble with authority, won’t follow directions), make a lot of noise, diverting attention from the addict & his/her need for Recovery on to themselves.  Try to compete with the Hero for status, but lose & then stop trying to please

DEFENSES
Defiance, withdrawal, hostility, sullenness, acting out, ‘don’t care’ facade. Strong connection to their peer group (same type) or totally isolate

DEFICITS
Inappropriate expression & use of anger, intrusive, won’t follow directions, self-destructive, defiant, irresponsible, underachiever, social & legal problems at young age (truancy, teenage pregnancy, high school dropout, addiction, suicide attempts), can lead others into trouble

BELIEFS:
From: “I’m angry about it, whatever it is”
“If I scream loudly enough, someone may notice me.”
“Take what you want.  No one is going to give you anything.”
To: “I can ask for what I want,  & listen to others at the same time”
“While my needs are important, others’ needs are to be considered too”
“The world is not our to get me. I am not here alone”

EMOTIONS   
Lonely, fearful, inadequate, self-hating, frustrated, empty, hurt, hopeless, guilty, shows shame via rage, addictions, procrastination. Feel left out of family & like a misfit, desire positive attention but can’t ask for it

COST TO SELF
• Not allowed to be successful, respected, admired.  Unaware of emotions other than rage. Denies self legitimate opportunities, accomplishments & success or the ability to connect with others in a genuine way, can’t live peacefully
• DANGER: If addict is confronted while this child still lives at home, Scapegoat is likely to try suicide in order to shift the focus away from the sufferer

PARENTS can HELP CHILD
To: Disengage the child from the power struggles, express anger safely,  have an outlet for their sensitivity & generosity
By: being calm, avoiding expressing shock or disgust, let the child experience consequences of behavior, give opportunities to use power appropriately & outlets for helping the underdog. be fair but firm

AS ADULTS
a. Acting out — Live on the edge of society or are complete outcasts. With little education or skill they continue to rebel, but in more sophisticated & dramatic ways:  have illegitimate children, graduate to felonies, suffer with mental illness & addictions.  Are confrontational, argumentative, have problems with rage, trust & authority
b. Victims — live out the scapegoat position: frequently the underdog in relationships and situations, marry early, stay in long-term abusive relationships, are everyone’s doormat, plagued by depression & addictions
• They carrying around resentments as a result of the hurt, rejection, blaming & shaming they experienced at home (& school). May be aware of the sacrifices they’ve made & resent it

✶ HOWEVER – Because of their emotional honesty they are the one most likely to seek counseling, realize the dysfunction they grew up with face it.  They may get help for problems with drugs, alcohol, verbal aggression or violence, trouble functioning at work or school, issues with authority & relationships

Adult RECOVERY NEEDS
• identify, own & work through the anger to get to the enormous hurt, sorrow & loneliness underneath
• learn problem solving skills & negotiating instead of rebelling or fighting
• achieve chemical & emotional sobriety
• speak ones inner truth, allow self to be a positive leader

STRENGTHS
• They have less denial & good insight, the ability to see reality, more straightforward, aware of their emotions
• Can read people, have lots of friends, adapt easily, lead an exciting life, take risks, a great sense of humor and fun-loving
• Courageous, creative, & when healthy, the ability to lead positively

NEXT: Lost Child Role

 

HERO Family Role

I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING,
& of course I can!

Originally presented in:
IF ONLY MY FAMILY UNDERSTOOD ME,
by Don Wegscheider, 1979

❧ HERO Role
GOAL
Provide the damaged family with some self-respect & a semblance of stability, shifting the focus from parental failure to the child’s successes

PURPOSE
For Self: to make order out of the chaos, feel useful, make a home they can bear to be in, keep anyone from killing themselves or going crazy. Believe that if they’re perfect, the ‘sick’ parent will be cured
For Family:  to make the family look good & seem ‘normal’ to the outside world, acting as if the rigid roles don’t exist, to prevent anyone seeing their severe dysfunctionality. They want to bring a measure of esteem to the family through their accomplishments

BIRTH ORDER: Usually is the oldest child, or the oldest male or oldest female

IN SCHOOL : Get superior grades, teacher’s pet, sports star/ Valedictorian or Prom Queen, classmate will admire, be very jealous of or try to get help from them, are involved in several extracurricular activities at once

FAMILY TREATMENT
Highly regarded & clung to in order to conform to the dysfunctional rules &  to ‘do the right thing” (may or may not be praised directly).  The child who is held up as a shining example to prove what good parents & good people they are, the one that relatives dote on

ACTIONS /STYLE
Personal:
Extreme need to be in control of everything, great fear of making mistakes, intellectualize, disregard emotions, are inflexible & perfectionists
In the Family:
Keep everything functioning (do laundry, fix meals, mind the smaller kids…. ) & generally compensate for sick, drunk, depressed, crazy or missing parent’s inability to cope.  Ignore the real issues
Social:
Appear to be highly successful, self-sufficient & well-adjusted,  seen by non-family adults as trustworthy, conscientious, mature & capable. Have good relationships with authority figures, volunteer often, over-involved in activities & with everyone else’s business, are a know-it-all, may have lots of friends, pets & ‘needy projects’

DEFENSES
Main one: Denial. Overly: serious, mature & responsible, achieving; very dependent of outside approval & work hard to get it, feel special/ superior, don’t need anyone, compulsive @ cleaning, gathering info, appearance, career….

DEFICITS
• difficulty with: being a follower, taking suggestions, advice, asking for help, relaxing, having fun, being spontaneous
• Not allowed to be weak, needy, scared, vulnerable, helpless

BELIEFS
FROM: “I must stay in control of my  feelings”.
“ If I don’t do it, no one will.”
“If I don’t do this, something bad will happen, or things will get worse.”
TO: “I am of value just ‘being’, not only from ‘doing’
“If I don’t do it, someone else will & that’s OK’
“If I don’t do it,  it’ll be done differently & that’s OK”

EMOTIONS
Confusion, loneliness, guilt, hurt, anger. Extreme feelings of shame, & show it by controlling, perfectionism & compulsivity

COST TO SELF
Have to take on the parent’s roles & responsibilities at a young age AND be self-sufficient (“10 going on 40”), feel ‘old’ & burdened as a child.
Denial of a wide range of emotions, an intense feeling of inadequacy – fear of being found out as a ‘fraud’, & an over-all sense of failure – mainly for not being able to fixed the family problems

PARENTS CAN HELP CHILD
To: lessen need to be perfect, develop the courage to be imperfect, decrease the need to be responsible for everyone , learn to concentrate on self instead of accomplishments (Being vs Doing)
By: Stress the value & enjoyment of cooperation & sharing, learn to value self, help them learn to accept failure gracefully (without feeling like a personal failure)

AS ADULTS
• are rigid, controlling, compulsive, driven & extremely judgmental of others & secretly of themselves (although they may have learned to be subtle about it)
• develop ‘better’ lifestyle than family, make lots of money, master a profession, totally invested in attaining & maintaining success at all cost, get lots of positive attention but are sure they’re going to be ‘found out’
• marry an alcoholic or other ‘problem’ type they can continue to focus on,
are cut off from their inner emotional life & True Self, while feeling deeply inadequate & insecure
• secretly know something’s ‘rotten in Denmark’, but have the hardest time admitting there’s anything that needs healing.  Will only get help to give up Hero role when they become emotionally overwhelmed & physically ill from years of stress, have severe substance abuse themselves or when some tragedy breaks thru the denial

Adult RECOVERY NEEDS
• learn to ask for & take what is needed, accept ‘failure’ / imperfections (occasionally) to relax, just BE
• let go of need to control & develop ability to listen, follow, be flexible, relax & have fun

STRENGTHS
Caring, nurturing, thoughtful, attentive, good listener to others’ woes
• Focused, responsible, self-disciplined, goal oriented, organized, decisive
• Have leadership qualities, can be successful, initiator, loyal, good at motivating themselves & others, study & work hard to achieve

NEXT: PLACATER Role