WHY ACoAs LIE (Part 2)

man hidingIT’S NOT SAFE
to let anyone know the real me!

PREVIOUS: Why ACoAs Lie (Part 1)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

3. UNTREATED ACoAs (cont)
b. UNDER-HONEST
At the same time ACoAs do the opposite. Yes, everyone lies sometimes & occasionally it’s the only safe recourse, but ACoAs tend to lie when it’s not actually necessary, useful or wise.  We can lie by making up untruths OR by omitting important info at crucial times (may be considered passive-aggressive)

COMPULSION: Compulsive liars (CLs) do so as a persistent, reflexive way of responding to questions. They bend the truth about most things, important & unimportant, since honesty feels awkward & uncomfortable, while lying feels right.
• Lying usually develops in early childhood, growing up in an environment where telling the truth was dangerous or unacceptable. For the most part, CLs are not overly manipulative or cunning (unlike sociopaths). They do know they’re not being honest, but it’s a hard pattern to break & one that takes its toll on every relationship

PAST: Lying was often the only way to protect ourselves & get some needs met in a stressful environment. We were constantly told our emotions & observations were wrong or crazy, so we learned to hide them from others & sometimes even from ourselves.  We understood very early that our parents really did not want to hear the truth, & so could save ourselves a lot of grief if we lied to them

Expl: Terry’s parents were restrictive & controlling, while being emotionally abusive & abandoning.  As a teen she fell in love with a man she knew they would be violently opposed to, so she came up with a plan to see him whenever their scheduled meshed.  From time to time she told her mother a few days ahead of a rendezvous that ‘next Tue’ she’d be at the library after school to study. Then every couple of days until then, she’d remind her mother about it so there would be no questions about her being late on those days. When Tue came Terry would get together with her guy. She was finally able to receive some desperately needed love & positive attention throughout her Senior year  – by lying!

PRESENT
Lying TO Ourselves:
• from SHAME & S-H
— to deny what really happened to us at home, still believing we were the cause of all the trouble
— having a desperate need to not see the truth about our parents’ damage, mental illness, addiction…. & so maintain parental viewpoints about everything. By staying loyal to the family (symbiotic), we continue to believe their lies & then perpetuate them
— to hide from our fear & pain, minimize our profound sense of loss & run from feelings of hopelessness, we can stay in denial
— deny our abilities & good qualities, to agree with the ‘bad voice’

Lying TO Others
• from GRANDIOSITY (cover up S-H)
— need to pretend we’re ‘normal’, so no one will won’t how evil we are
— to present ourselves as wonderful, happy, smart, clever – not hurting, not wounded, not desperately lonely….
— using bravado to compensate for feeling stupid & worthless
— to cover up all the things we were never taught by our family (how the world actually works, what people expect of us, how to connect…)

• from PEOPLE-PLEASING
— to be a chameleon, changing ourselves into what we THINK you want
— to not say how we really feel about anything – or you’ll leave us
— to not hurt anyone else’s feelings, never admit to being hurt & angry, so whatever you do to us is OK, no matter how much we may hate it
— to not have to confront anyone or call them on their bad or abusive behavior, since we’re not sure we’re right & don’t want to get anyone angry at us, so end up MUTE (silence can also be a lie)!

✶ Because most of us are NOT pathological liars, we can gradually give up this character defect, as we:
— learn how it all started & that it was a defense mechanism which is no longer needed or useful
— are allowed to know who we are & be truthful about it
— develop boundaries from providing for our needs, wants, dreams & hopes
— choose healthier jobs, friends & lovers, who want to know our real opinions & feelings
— practice telling the truth & noticing that nothing bad happens to us!

NEXT: ACoAs – Early TRUST BETRAYAL

WHY ACoAs LIE (Part 1)

liar-dude
YOU MEAN I’M NOT BEING HONEST
when I tell people how awful I am?

PREVIOUS: Adult Play Benefits – #2

IRONIC & Humorous article : “How to Lie – 14 ways

1. GENERAL
Everyone lies, sometimes, in varying degrees – even knowing that it causes problems. This universal reaction is tied to self-esteem. People want to look good to themselves & to others. The higher the threat to ones self-image, the bigger the lies.
TO SELF
Many animals engage in deception, deliberately misleading another, but only humans are wired to deceive both themselves and others. Lying to oneself (denial), mostly unconscious, is used by people who believe they can not bear to acknowledge (not accept) what they know about themselves or their loved ones.
TO OTHERS:
— to cover ones butt when they’ve done something wrong & don’t have the courage to admit it
— to make themselves feel smarter & superior to everyone – a way to have the power to fool or make fools of others, whom they disdain for swallow the lies
— to cover up feeling inferior, because they believe others won’t accept them for who they, so they “enhance”, “embellish”, “exaggerate” their accomplishments – … in conversation, on resumes, dating sites….

SOMETIMES lying to others is necessary, IF –
• is saves you from more abuse (as a child)
• your reputation, your rights or your life are in danger
• it could save your job,  your home, your community
• it protects your family from harm by another
• it’s the only way to protect your privacy
This is not an endorsement of lying, only an admission of some realities

2. PATHOLOGICAL
• Pathological -grossly abnormal- liars (PLs) suffer from habitual dishonesty they can’t control, & can be part of other ailments such as Manic-depression, Paranoia, Conduct Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, etc. They actually believe their own lies, so they may not consciously realize what they’re saying is mostly fiction. It’s a persistent & pervasive compulsion, not motivated mainly by some kind of reward or other external factors (pressure, obligation, safety…)• An important component in pathological lying is the difference in the brain. A study by Yang et al., published in the British Journal of Psychiatry in 2007, found that brain scans of PLs showed structural differences in the prefrontal cortex. This area of the brain controls morality, honesty and remorse. PLs show a higher amount of white matter, which is possibly associated with increased brain activity (more lying), and a lower amount of gray matter, associated with the controls needed for moral behavior (less inhibiting factors).

• Some PLs may be Sociopaths – people who lie incessantly to get their way, are goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused on self-gratification), have no regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. They are often charming and charismatic, use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways, & have no remorse for their illegal or immoral activities

FROM the ACoA LAUNDRY LIST
“We lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth”.  However, this trait does not imply that all of us are pathological liars, altho some are.

3. UNTREATED ACoAs
a. OVER-HONEST - another ACoA irony is that while we found lying to be a survival mechanism in our dangerous & chaotic childhood, we also have a compulsion to over-disclose (TMI), by telling:
• every little detail of a situation      • the bald truth to everyone
• what we know about others (can’t keep a secret)
• everything that’s wrong with us (S-H)
• exactly what we think of someone, no matter how inappropriate, cruel of self-destructive!

✶ The Inner Child part of us truly believes that to not tell someone what we know about them (their flaws, bad behavior, annoying ways…) or what we really think about a situation we’re upset about — is being untrue to ourselves! because:
— we want to let them know that we know (to not be ignored & to cut thru their denial)
— we want to rub their face in it (our rage at their deception)
— we want them to get the message & change! (as my dear mother used to say “Wake up & die right!”)

✶ What all this TMI really represents is lack of boundaries, lack of good judgment & letting the WIC run amok with its outrage! BUT behind that is an over-reaction to & an attempt at compensating for all the lies, secrets, denial & ‘mind-fucking’ we were drowning in as kids
✶ We have a right to our feelings about people & events, but it’s not always appropriate to blurt out whatever is whirling around in our head, especially without double-checking OUR motives

The 2 main keys for deciding what to say OR not is :
— what is our ultimate goal in a situation, which has to be decided by the Adult part of us, not the WIC! for it to be appropriate
— what will get us what we need without hurting ourselves, & whenever possible, other people

NEXT: Why ACoAs Lie (Part 2)

GRANDIOSITY and ‘NORMAL’

 

I CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING -
I’m not weak or wounded!

PREVIOUS: INTUITION – 2b

REVIEW:Rescuing: False Helping”, “Process

DISTORTED  COPING  (P = Perp / V = Victim)
As long as ACoAs have trouble facing the trauma of being childhood Victims, we can’t outgrow that state because it lives in our WIC & keeps getting acted out all over our lives.  Another ‘backwards’ ACoA pattern: while we do many destructive victim-y things to ourselves and let others do them to us, we also are masters at trying to cover up the inner wounds, the same way battered people try to hide broken bones & external bruising.

What’s NORMAL?
a. Normal can mean what is average for any location or situation, but may be positive or negative & is never absolute : It’s the norm for people in a bar to drink a lot. It’s the norm for men in prison to be raped. It’s the norm for children of addicts to be scarred. OR It’s the norm for great teachers to produce some excellent students. It’s the norm for country air to be healthier than city air. It’s the norm for money to make life easier
b. Normal can also mean anything that is the opposite of unhealthy, & is only positive: Normal is to be a whole human being. Normal is being happy & productive, with satisfying relationships. Normal is to care for ourselves. Normal is being part of a community & helping others. Normal is for love to heal …..

ACoAs desperately want to be ‘normal’, as in ‘b’, while not wanting to admit being damaged (NOT defective) with all it’s weaknesses, or having to do the hard work of Recovery to become healthy.  This ‘normal’ is a facade to cover up our lack of self-esteem & to quiet the bad voice, rather than being genuinely OK at our core. Many of us don’t want to ask for any kind of help, or be in groups that focus on healing, because “They’re all crazy & I’m not like them!”  But Al-anon teaches us: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”  It’s one thing to feel empowered & be able to face life’s difficulties with equanimity & guts. It’s another to over-compensate for our un-acknowledged & unhealed history with grandiosity.

EXP: Trish was never taken care of as a child, even in basic ways, & was eventually left by her weak father to take care of her violent, mentally ill mother. In spite of not having any self-esteem or knowledge about self-care, in her early 20’s her talent as a performer got her periodic jobs in small venues. One day she found out she was pregnant, but wasn’t ready for motherhood & scheduled an abortion – for the same day that she had a gig in the Catskills. She went to the doctor in the am – alone, & that afternoon drove up to the mountains to sing – alone & in pain! It never occurred to her to have the operation on a different day, to have someone go with her, or that there was anything amiss about combining the 2 events – until pointed out to her by a therapist 20 yrs later!

GRANDIOSITY
KIDS: This is a normal characteristic of small children, all the way thru the teens – thinking they can do much more than they actually can (fly – with their arms, keep playing without having to eat or sleep, get away with misbehaving, doing something big – live driving or having sex – without guidance or training, not needing help “I can do it my-self!”….) It’s a self-focused survival mechanism – preventing children from being crushed by fully realizing the extent of their vulnerability.
ADULTS:
The formal definition of grandiosity refers to anyone having a sense of uniqueness, superiority – ‘the belief that few others have anything in common with oneself and that one can only be understood by a few or very special people’. Sound familiar? This is a form of narcissism which is normal in children but should be outgrown by adulthood. For ACoAs it’s a continuation of that early psychological defense, from not having yet developed a healthy Adult Ego State. As long as our WIC runs the show we use that same protection to hide our sense of vulnerability – which NOW comes from being stuck in our frightening past.  Some EXAMPLES:

Self-Hate : All of S-H is a form of grandiosity – in negative terms: I are the ‘worst’, the most hopeless, I don’t have the capacity to love, I’ll never get better, I have to give up the hope of finding someone right for me….
— Always feeling separate – “I never fit anywhere”, different – but in a bad way, or superior – “I don’t have any problems”, while staying in the Victim role “You just don’t understand!”

No Limits : Not having boundaries – “I’m the same as you, you are me, we feel & think alike…” the state of an infant that we need to outgrow.
One form: Pushing ourselves until we collapse or go beyond normal limits – especially when in a weakened condition. (Run on an injured leg, overuse our hands, over-do exercise, go to work when very sick, try to rescue our Perps or other Victims, mind other peoples’ business ….)

Finished with an Issue : The opposite side of “I’ll never get better”. Most common in early Recovery – we think we’re DONE with a character defect or childhood pattern that we worked on for a little while. When that issue surfaces again (inevitably), we feel defeated, full of S-H & fall back into : I’m hopeless at this recovery stuff. I might as well not even try! REALITY: Repetition & Process lead to improvement – NOT perfection!

Perfectionism : This is an impossible goal, regardless of some spiritual teachings, yet we try to compensate for our ongoing inner & outer sense of danger by knowing everything & never making a mistake – instead of healing the wounds that cause our fear. We’re convinced that anything about us or in our actions that’s not 100% ideal (our distorted, inhuman standards) IS:
• proof of our inherent & permanently flawed identity, making us unworthy of anything good, since being defective means we can easily be thrown away. Our imperfect-ness is felt as a fatal weakness because the WIC says “Now no one will love or take care of me & then I’ll die”!
PS: This is not being dramatic – to a small child.
• our failure to sufficiently compensate for the above false assumptions which we then use to beat ourselves up – & try again to be inhuman
• the reason why we don’t even bother trying many things that we are actually capable of doing, lest we ‘fail’ (to be perfect). What an illusion. What a waste of possibilities!
(Read list of Characteristics)

GIVING UP Grandiosity?
To let go of this defense we need to know all our needs & rights, as well as our limitations.  It’s finding a healthy balance between realistic optimism based on acknowledging all examples of our progress – with a realistic understanding of the depth of our wounds & the ongoing nature of process, that will take the rest of our life – no matter how successful we become. That’s what it means to be human.  Al-anon slogan: “Progress, not perfection”!

NEXT: Negative Introject – #1

BOUNDARIES & ACoAs (Part 2)

acoas & boundaries
I DO THE BEST I CAN -
why does love always hurt me?

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Bs (Part 1)

2. ACoAs (cont)
c. Some Consequences

i.  FAILURE: No matter how badly we were treated or how angry we were about it, like all children – we were/are deeply attached to our parents & did not want to injure them. The told us their unhappiness was our fault (‘Parental Blame’) – so we turned ourselves inside out in a desperate attempt to protect them – but it never worked. We were a ‘failure’ at fixing their pain, because what they objected to (in us) was:
— normal behavior for a child, with our many developmental needs & limitations
— a reaction to us from their unhealed damage (buttons) which never had anything to do with us

EXP: One young mother would snap at her 8-year-old whenever Katie came home from school excited by a newly learned piece of info: “Mom, mom, did you know that ________?”  to which the wounded ACoA parent would say with great annoyance: “Of course I know that!” instead of being proud of her daughter. What she ‘heard’ was that her intelligence was being questioned, which came from being constantly put down by her mother!

ii. RISK: We developed a fear of taking any kind of risk, because it wasn’t safe to be ourselves in our family, where it should have been. How could we expect it to be safe anywhere else, with strangers? This is unconsciously expressed as a fear of ‘leaving home‘ (S & I),  so even if we physically move far away, we are internally loyal to the very system that has crippled up by staying attached to the toxic rules!  We isolate or stay & stay in harmful places, with unavailable or abusive people, don’t follow our dreams, or if we try – stop short of reaching our goals….

iii. INTENSE: Given the message that we were too much for them, our child’s grandiosity made us conclude that we were ‘negatively powerful’ – that if we were so detrimental to our family, we would naturally hurt everyone else in the world too – making us afraid to let anyone get too close to us as adults
✶ALSO,  it left many of us with the deep-seated belief that it would be better if we were dead – it would spare our family the suffering we seemed to be causing but couldn’t change!

d. No Boundaries – No Choices
Un-recovered ACoAs, even those of us who see ourselves as strong, smart, adventurous…. act like victims when we don’t have the right to choose who we connect with & who we leave behind!

Without Bs we fall into the co-dependent trap, because:
• we’re so afraid of having to face our abandonment pain, AND our S-H says no one can possibly love us — what a double bind! So when someone ‘wants’ us – our WIC is so relieved – that we accept them, even tho they’re totally self-centered & are just using us as their narcissistic supply. Often some deep part of us knows they are unsuitable, it won’t work out  & we may not even really like them!

• we convince ourselves to stay because they have some characteristics we find appealing, even similar to ourselves – even tho it’s not nearly enough to offset the enormity of their dysfunction (addictions, depression, self-hate, immaturity, narcissism, controlling, cruelty…)
• we’re afraid to reject anyone, worry about hurting their feelings, identify with their pain… instead of honoring ourselves (we identify too much with their WIC, while ignoring our own!)
• we focus on fulfilling their needs, wants and demands, so they won’t get upset & shut us out – while most of ours go unfulfilled…..

Some Consequences of weak or missing Boundaries
To US — get used by themB-less ACoA
— overwhelmed by their damage
— get burned out & exhausted
— eventually get enraged & attack
— bitter & disappointed with ‘love’

In OTHERS
— get bored with us or never let go
— criticize us for not being perfect
— take as much as they can
— unaware of our needs & hurt
— blame us for their weaknesses

NEXT: Part 3 – The Symbiotic Conflict

ACoA CONCLUSIONS re. Painful Events (Part 1a)

thinking about events  

I’M SUCH A FAILURE!
I can’t get anything right

PREVIOUSNoticing Painful Events  (Part 2)

REVIEW post : “What just happened

2. CONCLUSIONS (OUR THINKING)
The middle circle (see below) is about how we mentally (Ts) assess or try to explain any event that is upsetting. Without the right info + S-H = we either blame ourselves or everyone else!  The unhealthy conclusions we come to (CDs) about ‘what just happened’ are mainly based on what we went thru as kids, so it will be from the WIC or PP’s point of view.

• Many of us are not even aware of what we’re thinking – we just react (As).  Even so, those reactions give us a good hint as to what’s going on in our head.  And what are we thinking?
Also, notice that between ‘Event’ & ‘Conclusion’ on the chart, there’s a space that is not acknowledged or accounted for – our emotional reaction to the original situation.

Reminder: The ‘painful events’ we react to so strongly may be:
— something genuinely insulting, shaming or otherwise abusive
— something which most people encounter just in the course of living (rudeness, ignorance, delays…)
— something accidental, from people just being busy or preoccupied

• When any of these get us excessively riled, it’s because it has pushed a button in us, which represents an old wound that’s still raw.  When anything or anyone bumps up against one of these wounds, we react with intense anxiety or rage.  Some of our buttons are:
— being ignored, nor responded to right away, having to wait too long
— being accused wrongly – of anything
— being stood up, or being let down (we take people too literally!)
— being controlled (told what to do)   – etc.

EXP: If you’re walking around with a physical sore which is very painful but not visible, and someone accidentally pushes hard against you in rush hour, aggravating the ache, how do you react? ACoAs tend to either go into a rage at the person and the whole world OR we feel sorry for ourselves, sulk & wonder why this is happening to us!

• So, our intense response to certain kinds of events are usually an over-reaction to the present situation. (“If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”). We really hate to hear this because it sound like our experience & our pain is being negated – just like at home!  This is NOT what is meant.
• Any over-reaction to normal, imperfect human situations (not pleasant BUT not really awful) comes from our Wounded Child – who is not actually living in ‘present time’, has unhealed emotional wounds, is still taking things personally, & feels unloved & unprotected – at least about that particular issue.

The Co-dependent Triangle: co-dep triangleRescuer, Victim & Perpetrator.
Every ACoA can switch between these 3 roles at a moment’s notice – depending on the person we’re with or the situation we’re in, but some ‘live’ in one of the roles more than the others. Regarding the present topic, we are talking about the Vs & Ps. (More in next post).Cause & Effect

a. IT’S ALL ME –  It’s my fault:  I’m bad, dumb, weak, lazy, ….

• The core emotion is FEAR
• ALL ACoAs start out from this premise, (S-H) & then layer it over with a variety of defenses. Whenever something doesn’t work out, or someone hurts us / ignores us / leaves us… we try to analyze what we did wrong & how we can fix it. We obsess for days, sometimes years about a painful situation, always from the point of view of self-blame.

➼ Unhealed ACoAs have a wide streak of narcissism – mainly in the form of: EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME!  I know you’re saying “What, it’s not??”
It’s our default position, & continues to be as long as the WIC is in charge of our life. Once the UNIT takes over, that perspective greatly diminishes. And, yes there is a difference between believing we’re responsible for everything (S-H / grandiosity) vs being appropriately responsible for our T.E.A.s

EXP:
Maria is sitting in a nigh school class with only 6 other people.  She’s an extrovert & would like to connect with someone to share info with.  Looking around, she sees only one other woman & looks at her several times.  The woman blatantly ignores her. Maria’s not just disappointed, she’s hurt. There’s a pain in her solar plexus, but all she can think is: “Nobody likes me!”

NEXT: CONCLUSIONS about painful events (Part 1b)

RESCUING – False Helping (Part 1)

 

I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED!
I can take care of you, but not myself

Previous: ACoA Website SITE MAP

REMINDER: Use ACRONYM page for abbrev.

ORIGIN: Growing up in dysfunctional families, ACoAs were not allowed to fully develop their own personality & identity,  attend to their own needs, or have their own feelings – about anything. We had no choice but to focus on our wounded parents and their needs, moods & demands: (see ‘Toxic rules’)
• We were expected to grow up too fast –  but only so we could relieve them of the burden of caring for us and so we could be there for them
• AND, any attention to our own tastes, opinions, & way of doing things was considered selfish, stubborn, overly sensitive, stupid and bad!   (I was taught: S.P.S. – ‘Self Praise Stinks’ !!)

A primary result was that ACoAs developed a ‘false persona’,  a common one being The RESCUER, whose purpose is to take care of others, instead of oneself.
a. for many of us, this is a very active role – doing, doing, doing for others OR using others to motive our actions.
b. for some ACoAs, who seem to do nothing for others – this role is passive. It’s ‘taking care of’ the family by asking for little, not trying for anything, not risking, not being a bother… obeying “Don’t Need” rule.
➼ The unspoken hope is that if we do a good enough job of rescuing (fixing them), they will, in turn, be able to take care of us.  THIS NEVER WORKS.

IN ADULTHOOD
DEF:  A way to seem like we’re helping others BUT with hidden motives
a. from grandiosity
● Doing for others what they CAN & SHOULD be doing for themselves
● Being ‘one up’, giving the illusion of being powerful and benevolent, at the same time
● Assuming others need us (a not-always conscious belief that they’ll fall apart or even die – without us – based on our family experience)
● Assuming we know better what others need / want / should have, or not
● Preventing others from having to take responsibility for – & the consequences of – their own actions (to spare them pain)

b. from inferiority
● Using others to feel better about ourselves (to cover our self-hate & feeling of worthlessness)
● Trying to ‘fix’ a wounded person, so they can be there for us
● Trying to have an effect on the world, since no one listened to us as kids
● Wanting to use our talents, skills & abilities – but not allowed to use them for our own benefit
● Minding other people’s business rather than our own (not allowed to focus on ourselves)

NEXT: RESCUING – False Helping  (Part 2)

WHAT IS SHAME? (Part 2)


SHAME IS OVERWHELMING -

all I can do is hide!

PREVIOUS: Shame – Part 1

IN ADULTHOOD
A core ACoA toxic rule is : “DON’T HAVE NEEDS!”
We feel shame when:
■ anyone gets too close, emotionally
■ we allow ourselves feelings of love for someone
■ anyone shows us kindness, respect, caring
■ do something a little foolish in public
■ we try something new, & don’t get it right the first time
■ if don’t try to do something, whether we can or not
■ we find out our expectations of someone are not realistic
■ we don’t know something which seems common knowledge
■ we want to be paid attention to, but get smacked down or ignored, etc.

Re: ANY NEED that was ignored, abused or made fun of in the past :
it’ll now be completely suppressed, so we’re not even aware of it, OR
■ we’ll try to get the need met in a VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL way (so it can be punished, hurt us, have bad consequences, denied to us),  OR
■  we wait endlessly for someone else to come along & notice that we have needs – as long as we DO NOT ask for them to be met
■ we manipulate dysfunctional others into providing them for us
■ we cannot receive anything good without somehow having to ‘pay’ for it, even when it is given freely & without strings !
■ we mistreat, abuse or leave anyone who treats us with respect & kindness
■ we prevent anyone from know that we have needs, & so suffer in silence

RECOVERY from SHAME:
This a deep & long process, for which we need much help from H.P. & knowledgeable & patient people.  More specifically, we want to
✶ Start by identifying all our NEEDS, common to all human beings, & which are the foundation, the roots of our human-ness
✶ continually give ourself permission to HAVE these needs
✶ list which ones were not allowed, in order of intensity
✶ identify actions & non-actions which prevent meeting those needs correctly
✶ list action to DO, in order to meet those needs
✶ identify people, places & things who can help with this
✶ patiently, slowly RISK changing our old patterns
✶ allow for emotional discomfort, internal backlash, being
confused,  scared, angry, discouraging comments from others,
regressing to old ways, frustrating delays, etc.

✶ NEVER STOP TRYING to improve ways to meet our needs:
• try out new actions to see what works or doesn’t
• observe the results of the healthier actions, & compare to old outcomes
• validate & reinforce any improvements & positive results
• ask appropriate people for help when we really need it
• read helpful material, attend suitable recovery programs or groups
• participate in any spiritual practice which is comfortable
• and NEVER, NEVER deny having NEEDS, whether you can get them met – or not.  They are you BIRTHRIGHT.

GRANDIOSITY VS HEALTHY SHAME
Unhealthy Shame ‘holds hands‘ with grandiosity, which allows a person to thoroughly (but most often unconsciously) believe they can do way more than they are – capable of / have the skill to do / is humanly possible – AND is therefore a defense against deep feelings of powerlessness, carried over from childhood

Healthy shame, as Bradshaw often points out (in Healing the SHAME that Binds You), is the reverse – the antidote – to grandiosity. It represent our acknowledgement & acceptance that we have realistic LIMITS /limitations & boundaries, because of:
–being human, & therefore cannot be perfect
–not being nurtured & cared for in healthy ways, in childhood
–our genetic inheritance, providing pre-conditions & tendencies for physical, mental & emotional capacities (pluses and minuses)
–our socio-economic, religious & educational background / environment
–our native personality, which reacted to & was molded by all our early experiences

Embracing realistic limitations does not mean that we cannot heal & achieve!
It does mean that we spend the ‘first half’ – or so – of our life repeating all the bad stuff we learned, & then spend the rest of it fixing the damage that was originally done to us.  It’s not fair – but it can be done!
THEREFORE: PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE !!

NEXT: Rescuing – False Helping -#1

LISTED ON:

BlogCatalog, BlogFrog, BlogSurfer, Empath Community, LinkedIN, MerchantCircle, Self Growth, StumbleUpon Twitter, You Tube
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 374 other followers