ACoAs & RISK – Intro

 

TO RISK OR NOT TO RISK -  That is the question

PREVIOUS:

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

Basic MEANING of RISK
Most people only use the term to mean a situation where there’s the possibility of harm, misfortune or loss.
However, there are 2 other possible outcomes – that of a positive outcome (pleasure, accomplishment & success) OR a neutral / acceptable result.

Conversely, it may seem obvious that if the outcome in known ahead of time or predictable based on previous information, then Risk is no longer a factor. But this is not so simple for ACoAs – because of our very deep denial system. We continually ignore things we do know, from years of experience, returning to dangerous situations or staying connected to harmful people, so we keep getting burned & wonder why we don’t trust!

In general, the most common considerations of Risk are:
PHYSICAL
• dealing with something or someone who is a known source of danger
• a chosen venture undertaken without regard to possible loss or injury
• being exposed to the chance of damage or injury, not of our choice

EMOTIONAL / PSYCHOLOGICAL
• a situation which may result in suffering shame, humiliation, being misunderstood, accused wrongly, being manipulated & used ….
• a factor, thing, element or course of action involving uncertain, unpredictable discomfort or distress
• the possibility that something unpleasant or unwelcome might happen beyond ones control

FOR ACoAs
 – These basic definitions include “uncertain / possible / chance of…” , which means that there’s more than one possible outcome – but not for ACoAs.  WE believe that all risk is bad & will result in guaranteed harm – since we grew up in a physically & emotionally dangerous family & community. We are trained to assume that that’s the way life is, forever – at least for US! It’s so ingrained we don’t even know it’s what we think.

EXP: One man’s cold, abusive mother often told him that the world is a jungle, a survival of the fittest – the weak (him) are eaten by the strong (her) & no matter how big you think you are, there’s always someone bigger & badder who will get you! Naturally he grew up to be very timid.

Also, we were punished equally for big or small infractions of ‘rules’, many of which made no sense or were unspoken! This would make us avoid taking normal actions, much less branching out to try something important (to us) or more unusual.

As a result, it is common for ACoAs to:
– not know or a afraid to acknowledge what we think, feel or want
– not be able to make simple ‘I like, I want’ decisions
– put equal weight on all types of situations, regardless of their actual significance – an expl of B & W thinking (a C.D.)
This is exactly how many of us were treated – if we spilled something, made noise, cried, broke even something small, talked to a boy, got too excited – we were punished as harshly as if we had killed someone!  (See Toxic Rules)

ANXIETY
ACoA issues around risk-taking are always about that internal anxiety.
One of the characteristics on the Laundry List is: “We have become addicted to (negative) excitement after years of living in the midst of a traumatic & often dangerous family ‘soap opera’.” (pgs. 3 – 6, SiteMap).
ALL ACoAs are fear-based*. We usually say we have anxiety, but it’s Inner Child terror we bring with us into adulthood, & underlies every aspect of our life. This anxiety is what drives all our character defects, our acting out, our addictions – anything we feel we don’t have control of.

✶ This does not negate or ignore all of us in long-term recovery – our anxiety level may have gone way down – or not – but the terror-base is very deep. The intensity no longer as strong & not all the time, if we’ve been doing emotion-release work, but some level of fear will still be there. It can grab us in the gut if or when some combination of current events set it off again. The difference is, or should be – that we have years of experience in dealing with life from a healthy place & the tools to take care of ourselves, when our old buttons get pushed. (Use Book-ending)

• So – while some of us became adrenalin junkies other became some risk-allergic! (Yes, I know, one can be a combo…)
BTW – This is why the ‘Serenity Prayer’ (pg. 68 from sitemap) is so important for ACoAs — because we get things backwards. We keep trying to do the impossible & have trouble doing what is possible! We’re not sufficiently afraid of some very dangerous ‘people, places & things’ while being overly scared of things that are not actually harmful (like having our feelings)! Lets look at both types, The Risk averse & the Risk addicted.

CONTROL: Being controlling (as opposed to being in control) is the opposite of any type of risk-taking – which inherently implies unpredictability. That’s why ACoAs try so hard to be mind-readers. Because ACoA are fear-based, to us all risk is bad, so we scramble to control every outcome, to ensure that ‘people, places & things’ don’t abandon us – yet again.

NEXT: Risk Averse & Addicted

AUTONOMY & ATTACHMENT (Part 2)

  I CAN CONNECT
  and still be myself!

 Previous: Autonomy & Attachment (1)

Reminder: Use ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

ATTACHMENT
ABOUT.com – …. attachment “may be defined as an affectional tie that one person or animal forms between himself and another specific one – a tie that binds them together in space and endures over time. Attachment is not just a connection between two people; it is a bond that involves a desire for regular contact with that person and the experience of distress during separation from that person.” says psychologist Mary Ainsworth

➼ Healthy attachment is NOT fueled by anxiety, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, weak boundaries or neediness.
RATHER,  it’s grounded in the opposite:
• A clear sense and acceptance of our true personality, based on our heredity, personal qualities, character, education, accomplishments, experience, tastes, & talents  - as well as lacks, limitations & defects
• Having reasonable expectations of ourselves and others, in order to have mutually satisfying relationships, and not be
devastated when others can’t be what we want them to be
• Having good boundaries – knowing what our needs are, how we’re the same or different from others, how we want to be treated – and be able to clearly state our needs & wants, when appropriate

• The ability the tolerate differences, limitation & imperfections in others
• Choosing emotionally available people who are reasonably healthy, are
generally compatible & don’t need us to take care of them
• It’s OK to choose people who have some traits like our family (it’s normal to connect with the familiar), but they treat us better
• When people act in ways that push our buttons, we don’t react as intensely & can respond from our Healthy Adult (not from the WIC or PP)
• Being able to tolerate disconnections with others, even outright losses,
while keeping a sense of our own identity, & knowing that no matter what, we are OK, lovable, strong, capable of taking care of ourselves & being on our own, if necessary.

➼ For those of us from wounded families – we need to slowly DETACH from the inner damage we brought with us from childhood — in order to ATTACH ourselves to the many gifts Higher Power has given us as our birthright  – & thus be able to connect with peers !

Excellent article at HELPGUIDE : “Attachment & Adult Relationships”

INTER-DEPENDENCE
Growing successfully thru the other stages will results in our ability to be Interdependent.  
Of course, most of us are in flux, sliding back & forth between stages. The goal is to keep working at the process, & not get stuck for too long in any one.

SimilarMinds.com  (People who are interdependent) are more likely to see themselves as basically good, good at taking advice, love birthdays, prefer to do things with others, easier to get to know, more expressive about feelings, like to be part of a group, learn better with others, more trusting, more positive, more likely to be content, tend to be traditional, do not like to be without guidance, more likely to feel indebted/grateful to parents, values society, less intellectual, less rigid, more open & relationship oriented

Wikipedia ….(interdependence)  is a dynamic of being mutually and physically responsible to, and sharing a common set of principles with others…..

✶ Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act inter-dependently may be good individual producers, but they won’t be good leaders or team players. They’re not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.  Stephen Covey, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’, 1989

✶ Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being. Without interrelation with society he cannot realize his oneness with the universe or suppress his egotism. His social interdependence enables him to test his faith and to prove himself on the touchstone of reality.  Mahatma Gandhi, 1929

Need we say more?

NEXT: PROCESS, Part 1

“FEELINGS AREN’T FACTS” (Part 2)

 

WHEN THE HEART TALKS….
… I should listen



PREVIOUS: “Feelings aren’t facts”, Part 1
REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

2. ‘FACTS’:  The other problem with this platitude is that these 2 words don’t really belong together (feelings & facts).  Consider T.E.A.:
a. Actions - only these are facts, quantifiable, with measurable results.
b. Emotions are never ‘facts’ – they are internal experiences.  Yes, it’s a fact that we have emotions. Even Vulcans have those pesky things, underneath. For humans, to be cut off from our emotions turns us into narcissists or worse – sociopaths!

• Eventually someone in Al-Anon added what they thought was a clarification: “Feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that I’m having these feelings”. OK – this does refer to Emotions. This was encouraging for many of us to hear, because as CoAs we were taught to repress some or all our emotions – to deny them as irrelevant or unacceptable.  So this version gave permission to FEEL emotions.  But this is not what the phrase actually means.

c. Thoughts are not technically facts either, but experiences – healthy or unhealthy. Thoughts are:
• the cause of actions, good or bad, depending on the type of thoughts (may not be conscious, but are the reason for our behavior), AND
• the source of emotions (in the present): enjoyment, pleasure, relief, comfort … OR great suffering, caused by distorted or cruel thoughts, rigid beliefs, toxic rules, scary projections, unfounded assumptions … which lead to painful emotions for ourselves & often to destructive actions towards others!

➼ NOTE: Watch out for people who ONLY talk about what they or other people are doing, where they’ve been, who they know, what they’ve accomplished…. Facts, facts, facts!  That tells us they are NOT in touch with their emotions, which makes them unsafe in relationships, for anything other than giving information – if that!

CONCLUSION: In the light of these distinctions, what does the phrase “Feelings are facts” really mean? ANS: it only refers to Thoughts, but not just any kind.  It’s not about accurate, realistic, ‘normal‘ thinking, but only about OBSESSION !! And what most ACoAs obsess about endlessly is always related to abandonment:

✦ EITHER our Self-Hate
”I don’t know why he won’t talk to me – why is he ignoring me – was it something I said? Or maybe I should have been nice to him.  I probably sat in the wrong chair… I know he doesn’t like me… what can I do to change his mind… “  -  bla, bla, bla….
✦ OR Rageful thoughts towards others
“How dare she talk to me like that… Why didn’t he call me….I never did anything to her… I’m going to give her a piece of my mind… I hate her, she’s a witch…. no I’d better not… what should I say… I don’t want to get fired…”  etc, etc

BTW – We even have these obsessive inner rants about people we’ve never actually talked to – or about someone we know, but who didn’t do or be something we thought they should…. Of course, obsessional thinking is not accurate or mature. It is rooted in childhood abandonment fear, self-hate, & learned patters of communicating from family, school & perhaps ‘church’.

HEALTH : Being able to think clearly is imperative to function well in the world & in personal relationships. To do so we need accurate, reasonable & present-day info about how everything really works, what is positive about ourselves, what it means to be human & universal spiritual truths about Higher Power.

“Feelings aren’t facts” actually means: “Our negative, distorted thoughts, beliefs & obsessions are NOT telling us the truth.”  Only when understood that way is it a correct statement.
To Review: All emotions are a source of basic & indispensable information: internally telling us about ourselves, & externally about what;s happening around us – what IS safe, compatible, helpful to us OR what is harmful, incompatible, inappropriate for us.  We need our emotions – they are not our enemy!

✦ Emotions themselves are never ‘negative’.  It’s important to NOT use this term about Es, because it implies that they’re bad, and when something’s bad, we assume it should be gotten rid of. So we’re taught to suppress & be ashamed of many Es which are perfectly normal. What is needed is to change our harmful thoughts & actions.

✦ Many wounded people live in emotional extremes, fueled by self-hate & rageful thinking, say – in a range of -20 ——————–0———————- +20. They live from drama to drama – internally & externally, created by fearful THOUGHTS.
The emotional pain behind the drama is real, based on years of childhood distress. This pain needs to be let out in safe ways, which allows us to settle into more ‘even’ emotional responses. Then we can make better & better choices for ourselves and in relation to others – which is what they were meant for in the first place!

✦ Healthy Emotions are NOT good or bad, but rather range from the very painful <———–0————> to the very joyful.  The ‘0’ stands for neutral.  We need to aim for living within a range of +5 to -5 on either side of center, most of the time, although not exclusively.  This can only happen when healing diminishes our accumulated anxiety so we don’t have to alternate between the ‘outer limits’ of misery or fantasy/illusion!

NEXT:

NEXT: Autonomy vs Attachment

HEALTHY Control

WHAT I BELIEVE
guides what I do!

PREVIOUS: Letting go of Acting C.

REMINDER: Go to Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

“To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves” ~ Virginia Woolf

Self-Control 101  (Normal)
Events or Thoughts —> lead to —> Emotions
Emotions ——-> lead to ——> Beliefs
Beliefs     ——-> lead to ——> Decisions
Decisions ——-> lead to ——> Actions
Actions —> lead to —> Rewards or Consequences

Purpose of Self-Control (SC)
To gain a present reward or a delayed gratification, OR to delay, reduce or eliminate punishment
Location
“Researchers are working on identifying the brain areas involved in the exertion of self-control & many different areas are known to be involved.”  Scans show that SC correlates with “an area in the dorsal fronto-median cortex in the frontal lobe… distinct from those involved in generating intentional actions, attention to intentions, or selecting between alternatives. This control occurs through the top-down inhibition of premotor cortex.” (Read more….@ Wikipedia)

ASPECTS & FUNCTIONS
Self-control may be defined as being in charge of our own actions & is quite complex. This take the form of staying awake & being in the present, regulating our thoughts, dealing with our emotions, setting goal & following thru, & making responsible choices.
As adults, we’re held responsible for our thoughts, emotions & actions (TEA) to the extent that these can be under our self-control, which is not always possible. HOWEVER, SC is very hard to maintain if we’re in the wrong environment, where others are not willing to govern themselves.

• People are born with varying degrees of tolerance for routine vs. change, patience vs boredom… BUT, unlike physiological traits, SC can definitely be considered a learned skill to the degree that it’s developed through education & social interaction & conditioning
• SC becomes self-discipline when we has to apply intentional effort.

• When it’s practiced habitually for some time, it becomes a personality or character trait.
• SC is an important part of a cluster of internal resources (character, courage, faith, purpose, endurance) which – when tested by constant pressure or long-term deprivation – doesn’t disappear
• It becomes a way of thinking because of the cognitive processes and mental discipline needed to use SC

• SC requires motivation.  In certain situations, such as a special celebration or artificial psych experiment, we may decide to briefly give up self-control for the occasion (see previous posts)
• SC becomes a virtue when we resists temptation in order to achieve a desired goal, & can be considered a spiritual gift when it’s the result of spiritual transformation (Read More….)

Improving SC
Based on many studies, including Fujita (2008), correcting our thinking (eliminating CDs) can enhance the ability to be in charge of ourselves, to maintain our focus and achieve greater self-discipline. It is necessary to step back & always take a mental OVER-VIEW:
• Pay more attention to the forest instead of focusing on individual trees – consider the ultimate goal or big picture of every situation
• Look at how our actions fit into an overall framework, as being part of a larger plan or purpose, NOT just a specific instance or action, and not just staring at a detail in front of us, getting lost in something that bothers us or that may be out-of-place.

EXP: When clients are asked what they think the reason for something is, like a) “What is the purpose of Guilt?” or b) “What is the definition of Self-Hate” — they inevitably answer by giving an example, such as a) “Feeling bad about something or b) “Being hard on oneself” — rather than it’s meaning, or what it’s meant for
Problem:
• An instance of an issue is not its purpose or definition, so it is faulty thinking, AND ➼ only focusing on a specific exp. prevents us from being able to apply the concept to a wide variety of life situations – thus limiting our ability to understand what causes our actions & to be in charge of them.
Suggestion: Think of a Definition or Purpose as the large category ANIMAL (the Kingdom), rather than just one of its many examples – cat, horse, bird, elephant….(the Species)

ACoAs Being IN CONTROL:
• comes from the ‘Unit’ ego state: Healthy Adult + Loving Parent
• requires a lowered level of anxiety, to not have to hide our True Self
• is based on a healthy ego, to make choices that suit us

• allows us to know what our needs and, permission to get them met, AND find ways to meet as many of our needs as possible, under the realistic circumstances of our specific lives
• is being in charge of our emotions, as well as – when, where & how we express them
• is taking responsibility for our life choices, without self-hate

• requires that our childhood rage level goes down enough so we don’t take our hurt & revenge out on others
• is built on having good boundaries, both in how we treat others & how we ‘let’ others treat us

✶ Just because we start out as under-dogs, doesn’t mean we can’t WIN – over our damage, over our pain, over others trying to control us! Being in charge of ourselves – empowered – can be every ACoA’s goal.

NEXT: ACoAs – NOT allowed to Receive (Part 1)

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 3)

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY
but first I have to clean out the damage

PREVIOUS: Why ACoAs hate Emotions

BOOK: Emotional Intelligence, by Goleman, 1995 “…..what it means to be smart”

CHECKLIST
ACoAs are often CONFUSED, because –
– of our conflicting Es: old vs. current, WIC vs Adult, PP vs Adult…
– we confuse Es with thoughts/ beliefs, usually Toxic one, because we use the word “FEEL” to mean both (see ‘Feelings aren’t facts’)
– mix Es with normal human needs, which we’re deeply ashamed of
– we don’t even know what our RIGHTS are, or what ‘normal’ is, much less have permission to act on them

THEREFORE – it can be hard to figure out whether our strong emotional reactions are appropriate for a present-day event OR coming from an old wound. Usually it’s both. The good news is that as we heal & develop our “Unit” we can begin to tell the difference more easily & more often.
Whenever we’re obsessing (mentally ruminating about a hurt), start by writing down – briefly – an outline of the situation. Then we can ask ourselves some ‘look inside’ Qs to see what’s behind our reaction.

1. Which Toxic Rule is in play? (all have turned into self-destructive patterns, also called character defects)
Exp: “If I don’t like it, I have to stay” becomes passivity
2. Which of my WIC’s unmet needs am I re-experiencing?
Exp: Being constantly ignored or punished for trying to get attention

3. What am I thinking about this situation?
Exp: “They’re never going to call / write back”, “I’m unlovable”
4. Which of my old buttons is getting activated? — A ‘button’ is an emotional sore spot from things your family & others consistently did to you &/or to each other – that hurt you
Exp: Being accused wrongly / being shushed

5. Which ego state is likely in charge at the moment (WIC or PP) ?
6. If I’m acting out, which parent am I copying & how?
7. What am I most afraid of in this situation? (FoA, punishment, isolation, not being heard…)
➼ Use the info in other posts to help you answer these Qs.

Down side of some ‘New Age’ ideas
• Those of us brought up on religious, new age or other spiritual teachings that tells us to always be positive (“Be happy, don’t worry”) have found it impossible to live up to.  It has left us hating ourselves more, feeling desolate & hopeless of ever ‘getting there’. What they often don’t acknowledge is that we need to allow our human side to heal & be nurtured first, before we can aspire to be ‘serene’!

• While we certainly do aim for a balanced & peaceful emotional life, it’s not healthy – OR successful – to just cover painful emotions & harmful beliefs / thoughts with a bunch of platitudes & ‘positive thinking’, without first cleaning out old Es accumulated from as far back as childhood

• Charles Whitfield, MD has provided a useful image:
Take a basket of delicious fruit & let it sit for a long time until they rot. Someone comes along & says – “Ugh, that’s gross.  Let’s put some fresh fruit in there. It’ll look & smell so much better!”  So you do that & everything is fine – for a while. After all, it sounded like a good idea, & they were offering it for free.  BUT you added the beautiful fruit on top of the rotted ones without cleaning the basket out first

Q: What will happen to the new food?
A: After a while the fresh ones will start to rot from underneath!
Obvious? It seems not, since that’s exactly what many people do when they try to layer new ‘positive’ ideas & attitudes on top of all their emotional damage & cognitive distortions. They think they can escape the hard work of Recovery & still be ok!
Human Beings are like that basket – originally holding precious, wonderful qualities & potential. But to survive we had to create a False Self, added Toxic Rules & mixed in a lot of S-H.

➼ In Recovery we gradually ‘take out the garbage’ of our past, replacing it with the ‘good stuff’ we’ve been told about, so it doesn’t get contaminated!  As our Healthy Adult takes charge we start protecting ourselves, while being respectful towards others. We can be can be forceful but clear, getting to the point, asking for what we want. We just don’t have to be rude aggressive.
Practice making declarative sentences so you don’t beat around the bush
You can say “I know he’s being disrespectful”, instead of “I feel that he’s not respecting me” – which sounds like it’s only your opinion rather than what’s actually happening.

HEALING: When we’re emotionally in pain, the FIRST thing to do for our WIC is comfort him or her. Sometimes that’s all that is needed at the moment. Only then can we start asking the above Checklist Qs.
We must develop the permission to have all our emotions, our human qualities & requirements.  We also need to receive validation (cognitive) & comfort (emotional) from as many people & for as long as we need them – as well as from our Higher Power. These responses heal enough of our old wounds so we can tolerate the intensity of those emotions as we re-experience them in Recovery – a little at a time. LOVE HEALS!

NEXT: Purpose of Emotions – Survival

HEALTHY TRUSTING (Part 1)

WHEN I LISTEN TO MY TRUE SELF –
I’ll know who to trust & who not to trust!

PREVIOUS: Patterns of Mistrust Part 3)

Re. Biz: “Trust in the Balance”  Robert Bruce Shaw

QUOTES: “Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.  ~Billy Wilder
“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” Garth Henrichs

‘Trust’ comes from the German word “trost” meaning ‘consolation’, which implies feeling comfortable. In this context it’s relevant to remember that ACoAs almost never felt comforted growing up. It’s one reason we were never able to trust! And now, as adults, we don’t realize how much we still need to be comforted, so we’re ashamed when we feel vulnerable, needy & ‘feeling sorry’ for ourselves

✶ Genuine trust is first & ultimately about being able to trust ONESELF, a quality we cultivate via our True inner Voice. It is not about who or what others are. This is hard for ACoAs to internalize because of our co-dependence & S-H.
• ACoAs need & want safety above all else – even more than love – neither of which our parents provided enough of, so we believe we’re not entitled to them
•  But we can’t feel safe if we can’t trust. AND we can’t trust as long as we are flooded with Self-Hate! The Al-Anon preamble says “…..we will love you until you can love yourself”. ACoAs need to find people & / or groups that are safe enough to help us heal so we can become kind to ourselves (via the Loving Parent) & trust that “I know what I know!” (via the Healthy Adult)

• Assumption: ACoAs usually think of trust only in the  POSITIVE – ‘I can rely on X…… I can expect Y to…..’, which is true but only half the story, & encourages Over-T
• Balance: Healthy Trust also has to include knowing who & what we CAN NOT rely on. The characteristics of damage are just as predictable and reliable as those of Health, but only to mess things up. We can trust that a specific person will continually abuse us or disappoint.  We can trust that a specific location will usually be dangerous. We can trust that a type of event is the wrong one for us……   Once we know what to look for we can see it all around us, and we can depend on the outcome to be harmful or just a waste of time – & not have to keep getting hit over the head!

Exp: If you’re not paying attention when you go into a room & sit down on the first chair you come to – you may be shocked & maybe a little injured if it collapses & you land on your butt – because you assumed all chairs are equally well made & sturdy
• Yet that’s what we often do with people & situations – we don’t pay attention or evaluate who or what we’re getting involved with.  Many times we accept friends lovers, jobs, pets, invitations …. without asking questions of ourselves or others: “What do I want? Is this something I’m interested in? Does this suit my needs or fit with my personality?”

TRUST (T) is valid when :
• we’re clear about the ‘rules’ of T – rather than being in fantasy
• the prerequisites for T exist – we’ve done some due-diligence
• we assess who or what does NOT warrant our T – so we don’t waste time & energy on them
• we experience a positive outcome from trusting someone (feel calmer or relieved / get the introduction we were told about / receive the money we were promised / enjoy a shared experience ….)

Psychological REASONS for Trusting (Morton Deutsch, 1973)
• Confidence: that you will find what is desired from another – rather than what you feared – but this also implies a certain level of risk
• Despair: when a situation we’re in is hopeless but we can’t get out of it (like being a child), then being trusting is the lesser of 2 evils, allowing a form of survival
• Faith: the trust-er has faith in a path that’s pre-ordained by a Higher Force, so that whatever happens is fated & therefore welcomed. This removes a great deal of the distress caused by any outcome of a faith-based decision, even when unpleasant or tragic

• Impulsiveness: inappropriate weight / value / hope put on a future consequences or outcome of trusting something or someone, without thinking thru the possible danger to self or others
• Innocence: not knowing enough to understand the inherent dangers of a situation, either from ignorance, CDs or mental immaturity
• Masochism: pain & unfulfilled trust (PMES abandonment) may be chosen over safety & pleasure. Since people tend to search out confirmation of prior expectations, they’ll trust badly & often find their expectations fulfilled

• Risk-taking: even when the danger is great – if one subjectively thinks the possible gains far outweigh any possible loss, the gambling type is prepared to take that risk (this can apply to love as much as money)
• Social conformity: when trust is expected / demanded – by a parent, teacher, boss, gang leader….. -  & a member of that group doesn’t comply, they are severely punished, labeled a coward &/or ostracized
• Virtue: in some cultures (perhaps: rural, religious, fraternities, armed forces, police, gangs, tight-knit criminals….) cooperation & friendly social relations are based on mutual trust & trustworthiness, which are considered a virtue & a prerequisite (“I’m no snitch”, “I’ve got you back”)

TRUST as LADDER metaphor
Think of trust on a vertical continuum – it takes patience & attention to develop trust with someone or in something, because they have to prove themselves. SO:
1. It’s best to only exchange trust with others – a rung at a time. Healthy people can risk offering the first rung as a token of good faith & a desire to connect
2. People always, always tell you how they expect to be treated AND how your relationship will always turn out – by how they consistently behave (MORE…)

NEXT: Healthy Trust (Part 2)

Setting HEALTHY Boundaries (Part 2)

 

THIS IS SO MUCH WORK!
But I feel better when I enforce my Boundaries

PREVIOUS: Setting Part 1: Repairing your Boundaries

IN RELATION TO OTHERS
2. DEVELOPING Healthy Boundaries
• Have a clear sense of your personal value. As ACoAs we know the source of unhealthy Bs is from our upbringing. BUT as adults it comes from not believing we have any rights. It’s a self-worth issue. The Sieves among us (with weak Bs) let others invade our space, since it was pounded into us that everyone else’s needs are more important than our own. We can only find value by trying to please others

• Identify for yourself all the boundaries you feel are important to you (5 to 15 items). See previous posts “List of Healthy Bs”, Part 1 & 2. These may shift over time, so stay in the present.  List those Bs:
– you absolutely will not compromise on
– you will allow some wiggle room on, because they’re not as important to your personal comfort

• Identify those people whom you will:
– not tolerate any violations from (they have already proven themselves dangerous, narcissistic, disrespectful…)
– give some leeway, because overall they are loving, kind, respectful AND it’s not appropriate to expect anyone to be perfect

• Be willing to educate others how you want your Boundaries to be respected by clearly stating what they are. We can’t assume that people know them, so we need to clearly spell them out – even write them down, if necessary. It’s not legitimate to expect others to read our mind whether it’s someone who knows us or a new acquaintance

• Sit down with each person (adults & children) you have a problem with & let them know what you need & don’t want from them.  Try to get their agreement to honor your Bs.  Insist that everyone talk to you in a respectful, positive way – no more digs, making fun of, criticisms, controlling comments – no matter what
– With other adults: even if you get a verbal agreement, stay alert for how they actually treat you. If they repeatedly can’t or won’t honor your request – limit your time with them, or end the relationship, after speaking to them about it one more time. You decide when to let go of them according to the cost to you!
– If it’s kids or teens, work out a plan to help them comply, using methods suggested by a Child Psychologist, or from books & online articles

• Clearly state the consequences for violating your Bs, BUT NOT until you’re ready to follow thru! Addicts & codependents have a tendency to violate Bs (whether deliberately or unconsciously is not the point here) &
Invaders will always test us, like a 2-yr old, they try to wear others down to get their way. SO we have to be able to stand our ground, to prove that we’re serious.  How well we can manage that will depend on our level of Recovery & how strong our Inner Adult has become.

• Be consistent & persistent about confronting and enforcing violations, even tho it can very tiring, & do is as coolly as possible.
It’s most effective when we don’t over-react emotionally, but come from the Healthy Adult Ego State. Otherwise people can just write us off as bitchy or crazy, especially if they want an excuse for their bad behavior
– If a particular wound in us is still unhealed we’ll have a strong reaction to feeling abandoned or disrespected, making us anxious & angry
– If we have healthy Bs, we can can speak up for ourselves & then move on to someone or something else. It’s not up to us to convince people how wrong they are. Our self-respecting actions will make the statement.
Exp: If someone is chronically late in meeting you, tell them that if it continues, you won’t wait more than 15 minutes. Be sure you always have a plan B for yourself . WHEN they’re late again, don’t wait around.  They’ll see we mean business – whether they change or not, & then they can decide how to respond

NEXT: Setting Bs with others (Part 2)

POSITIVE Responses to Events (Part 1)

THIS ISN’T RIGHT!
I don’t like the way I’m being treated

PREVIOUS: Negative Reactions (Part 3)

REVIEW:  Negative version of this chart

1. EVENTS Circle
This new chart is the correction for the previous one, showing how we can deal with stressors in a more appropriate & productive way. The first  circle is basically the same set of observations regarding one-off or ongoing situations in our lives – as in the previous set of posts.

a. ACoA DIS-EASE
Acceptance: Even tho ACoAs accurately observe our environment, we often refuse to acknowledge what we see & hear, because:
i. we’ve been taught to repress what we know, so we have a built-in forgetter / rose-colored-glasses / horse blinders, to keep us from looking around to see the truth or notice other possibilities
–  it’s a definite way to be loyal to the family rules and stay the ‘good kid’
ii. we don’t want to deal with the consequences of being awake – otherwise we’d have to make some hard decisions, like speak up for ourselves, have it out with someone, be less involved, or leave
– this prevents us from having to feel old, or new, abandonment pain

EXP: You’ve know your BFF for a long time & have been thru a lot together. You’re in 12-step recovery, learning to face your issues & own your CDs, she isn’t.  You’ve both had lots of lousy relationships, but now she’s married a young, gold-digging philanderer & she’s hurting – but doesn’t want to face being alone again. You’re very upset for her & really angry at her denial – why can’t she admit she made a big mistake & dump him? She has her blinders on, but so do you – she has never been willing to look at herself, her choices, her damage…. why do you think she would start now?

b. RECOVERY
Awareness: Accurately identifying & acknowledging what we observe is an important part of Recovery & leads to having a better life, because it:
• honors our truth by respecting our cognitive abilities (the info we get from our brains & intuition)
• allows us to make self-caring decisions – choosing what’s best for US
• prevents us from staying in bad situations which add to our original abandonment, & which cause us more mental & emotional stress
Keep repeating: I KNOW WHAT I KNOW

For our observations to be reliable, we need to (IMPERFECTLY) have:
– a lot less self-hate
– a clear distance from the bad voice (PP)
– decent boundaries, so less co-dependence
– a loving relationship with the Inner Child
– a connection to some kind of spirituality

EVENTs we need to deal with can be about:
– any painful internal thought or emotion, not immediately triggered by a present event, but likely from our damaged past
– our reaction to a painful external piece of info – like 911, pictures of people suffering anywhere, news of a death… which is not directly related to us
– a distressing situation of our own – like the death of a parent, a big break-up, losing a job, being in an accident or fire…
– a more immediate upset – like having a fight, someone being mean to us, losing something valuable, a disappointed expectation…

HEALTH means:
– being able to quickly catch that we really are effected by something
– acknowledging it without – OR in spite of feeling -  shame, guilt, self-hate & anxiety, so we don’t have to deny or repress it
– asking for support from appropriate people when we need help understanding & coping with a painful  event
– learning mental & emotional tools, which we remember to use, in order to take care of ourselves when distressed

EXP: Sam’s younger brother has been in the ICU for some weeks & doesn’t have long to live (event). Sam & all his family are devastated (Es), both by the upcoming loss but also because it reminds them of their own mortality. Some are in various states of denial (Ts) about how serious the brother’s illness is, but Sam is valiantly grappling with his shock & fear (Es). He is sharing his pain in Recovery & making shifts in some of his long-help beliefs (Ts). It is very stressful, but he’s using this ‘event’ as an opportunity for growth (As).

NEXT: Positive Responses – Emotions

NOTICING Painful EVENTS (Part 1)

IT’S EVERYWHERE!
life is full of pain

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & being Visible

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

This is another use of T.E.A. (Thought, Emotions & Actions ).  Most ACoAs grow up convinced we’re crazy!  We say we feel crazy or we’re going crazy or we afraid of being crazy.

Well, ACoAs are NOT actually crazy, but we came to believe it because, while our observations & emotions told us that a lot was serious wrong with family, school, church…  most of the grown-ups kept telling us our opinions were way off base & anyway we were the bad ones.
✶ In Recovery we’re learning that we were (mostly) right about them all along!

Cognitive Distortions (CDs) identify those habitual thought patterns  which are incorrect & therefore harmful. We have the ability to think more accurately, but need to be taught.
NOW, ‘crazy’ is believing what our S-H is telling us, along with other kinds of “stink’n think’n” which scare us – even to the point of panic attacks, like:  “What if I fail the test / he doesn’t call back/ I can’t get there / they won’t listen …. OMG, I can’t take it!”

✓ This chart indicates a dysfunctional ACoA way of reacting to our experiences, rather than responding from a healthy inner core.  It’s how millions of ACoAs are like before Recovery &amp; many even during, before doing enough FoO work. The middle circle is where the CDs live.
• Some of us will stay in abusive relationships, be walking depressives, have constant anxiety, be at odds with everyone OR seem very normal &amp; functional on the outside …. but, internally, all have at least some distorted beliefs about what is going on around us

• When things happen that bother us (event = Action), we start obsessing, trying to figure out what, why & how (conclusions = Thoughts) & what we’re going to do about it – even if we never actually do anything!  (As)
• What gets ignored are our Emotions (Es) because even when overwhelmed by them, our early training automatically kicks in.  We deny what we feel & so don’t take them into account.

1. EVENT (Stimulus)
a. PAST
Growing up with emotional & physical stress, ACoAs are hyper-alert to our environment.  We have big antennae to catch even a whiff of danger, a hundred miles off – whether potentially real or projected from our past!  We also have a camera over one shoulder,  judging everything we say, do, think & feel.

This constant pressure leaves many of us with only 2 options:
– Hyper-vigilance: the ACoAs who are anxious, worried, controlling, touchy, paranoid, always looking around, easily taking offense
– Vagueness: other ACoAs seem to be so out-to-lunch that you wouldn’t think they were over-attentive, but internally they are, and it’s why these people need to be flaky – they’re under the same overwhelming internal tension, but it’s split off from their own awareness

Some sources of hyper-vigilance:  Up late even on school nights, waiting anxiously to hear what state dad was in, coming home – how did the car sound, how hard was the front door slammed, how heavy were the footsteps, which room was he going into…? was there going to be a fight – yelling, hitting – or worse, a ‘visit’ to your bed…?  trying to sleep with one foot on the floor, hating mornings, knowing you’d be a mess at school the next day, as usual & then being constantly worried…

• Never doubt that we are excellent observers. We notice things others miss, monitoring what we & others say or do – all the time.  And we are usually spot on – about the actual occurrence.

Where we go wrong is in our ‘understanding’ of the situation – outlined in the next posts.  This ability developed as a survival mechanism in childhood so we could anticipate potential trouble, to know how to manage it.  Of course, in an alcoholic, violent, narcissistic, neglectful or cruel family – managing never actually worked. We always lost out, no matter how clever or careful we tried to be.

NEXT: Noticing painful events (Part 2)

Our Wounded INNER CHILD (Part 2)

EVERYONE’S HURTING ME!
Ow, Ow, Ow!

PREVIOUS: OUR WIC (Part 1) Raising ourselves

REVIEW post: “Healthy ADULT , Loving PARENT” / “The Introject”  / “Negative Benefits”

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

Our Adapted Child (which everyone has) became our WIC by absorbing the Toxic Rules of our family, and is NOW determined to keep acting out the patterns we learned in our family & society (Repetition Compulsion) no matter how sick or self-destructive, by either being:

• Compliers – the good obedient adult-child, but still not getting the family’s love we’re desperately trying to earn, & suffer a variety of ills from suppressing our own needs & emotions  (pg. 45 from sitemap)

• Rebellers – who feel compelled to obey, while at the same time desperately wanting to resist. We are oppositional (always say NO, even when we mean YES) in a futile attempt at having boundaries & disobeying the Toxic Rules. But we do it in such self-defeating & self-destructive ways that we end up causing ourselves even more harm!

This cannot be stressed enough: Without family-of-origin Recovery (FoO work), the WIC ego state still dominates our life* in all forms of T.E.A., with the deadly combination of S-H and fierce loyalty to the Negative Introject (PP), via our Cognitive Distortions.  This is true even though for many of us – our various defense mechanisms, layered on top of the damage, make it seem as if we’re managing ok. No matter how externally successful, competent, accomplished, talented we may be – if our thinking & emotional reactions are coming from an old place – we are still not psychologically healthy.

✶ So it’s inevitable that much of the time we’re immature in how we respond to people, places & things!  Below are a few of the ways.
Keep in mind:  As long as we don’t have a fully functioning Loving Parent, plus a stronger Healthy Adult, the real voice in charge of us is the PP. The easy way of telling is by listening to the way we talk to ourselves. The WIC, even in Rebel mode, is carrying out the demands of the PP. So even when we’re defiant or time we are being oppositional, we’re still hooked into the family dynamic.

a. Without a Healthy Adult in charge
• we don’t handle our lives properly
• we let other people’s WIC or PP mistreat us
• the healthy Natural Child doesn’t get to develop & shine
• we can’t be the best we were born to be

b. Without a Loving Parent always available, the WIC
• is at the mercy of the PP & the damage it caused us
• is run by its S=H & distorted thinking
• feels constantly scared & vulnerable
• is terribly lonely & desperate to be rescued

T.E.A. ways our WIC runs the show
1. THOUGHTS (Ts)
• S-H & believing what the PP voice is saying about us : thinking no one likes us, we’ll never get anywhere, we can’t get better…
• telling strangers too much personal info
• taking everything personally
• always apologizing
• devaluing anything we are, think or do
• not developing our knowledge base
• not thinking clearly (using C.D.s)
• awful-izing (always assuming the worst)
• not truthful, respectful, clear, direct – in our communications

2. EMOTIONS (Es)
• S-H (feeling bad about ourselves)
• being emotionally numb
• being too easily hurt
• idealizing anyone
• being paranoid in everyday situations
• raging at small or non-existent slights
• always feeling left out, unacceptable,
• magical thinking, grandiosity,
• not emotionally honest  open with loved ones
• being impatient with process
• having any sort of tantrum, break-down,
• long-term depression, feeling suicidal, panic attacks, constant anxiety

3. ACTIONS (As)
• S-H: not taking good care of ourselves
• having unprotected sex
• dating or marrying emotionally unavailable, actively addicted &/or physically dangerous people
• doing anything dangerous with little or no training or preparation
• regularly being late
• not doing a good job at work
• staying too long in any inappropriate situation
• trying to ‘fix’ others
• making things harder than they have to be
• not getting help when we need it

To HEAL & GROW, the WIC has to turn over it’s executive Powers to the “UNIT” – H.A. & L.P. in order to finally get taken care of – correctly.
But the only way our WIC will let go of its role as “Little Adult” is for us to prove ourselves trustworthy, dependable & loving – show that we’re willing to take care of ourselves by being capable & consistent.

❧ With enough healing we can be relatively free of our addiction to the harmful patterns of our upbringing, even tho it’s never going to be complete. Then we will have nothing to rebel against or slavishly copy. We can CHOOSE who we want to be & what we want to do! AND – because genetics plays a part in our True Identity – along with our training – what we choose to be or do may in some ways be similar to our background BUT based on self-esteem & fulfilling our human rights!

NEXT: ACoAs Being Visible