Ego States – CHILD (Part 1)

I CAN FEEL ALL MY EMOTIONS
when I connect with my Child part

PREVIOUS: Parent E.S. (Part 4)

REMINDER: See Acronym page for abbrev.

GENERAL
The CHILD Ego State (E.S.) is the earliest stage of developed – forming our personality in the first 5-7 yrs of life. Similar in many ways to the Freudian concept of Id, it operates on the pleasure principle, automatically & persistently aimed at gratifying and fulfilling needs. Its goal is to feel pleasure & avoid pain – no matter how or at what cost. It’s focused on the self only, even when relating to others: “I want, I need, I refuse, You can’t make me, I don’t wanna, I want you to….”  This does not mean it’s a bad aspect to be gotten rid of. We need it since it holds both our native qualities and our damage. It’s just that as adults it’s not healthy to be ruled by the Child. (See “Contamination”)

● It’s called “archaeo-psyche” because it’s a collection of taped & stored info – behaviors, thoughts & feelings held over from our own childhood. It’s made up partly of the Natural Child – our fundamental identity – and partly of the Adapted Child which we developed in response to our environment, filtered thru our natural tendencies. So it houses all the loving, helpful, caring & enjoyable things we received back then, as well as all the experiences that caused us anxiety, sadness, rage, shame, terror….
EXP: In the present, one person receiving a poor evaluation at work may respond by looking at the floor, crying or pouting, as they did when scolded as a child. Another person, receiving a good evaluation, may respond with a broad smile and a joyful gesture of thanks, recalling positive mirroring they originally got from their family.

● This part of us contains all the impulses that come naturally to a child – the source of our emotions, creation, spontaneity, curiosity, connection, adventurousness, fun and *intimacy. It’s the part of us that loves to giggle, laugh, have fun and enjoy the simple things in life – at any age. It can also show up as a brat, be whiny or demanding when we don’t get our way. The 70-year-old man sitting in the park enjoying an ice cream cone or the two adults dancing ‘like no one else exists’ are all in their Child state – in positive ways. However, when we neglect ourselves, hurt others with our damage, refuse to be responsible for our feelings & actions…. we too are in the Child, but in a negative way.

*INTIMACY: game-free exchanges of emotional expression without exploitation (opposite of the kinds of interactions laid out in “Games People Play” by Eric Berne)

● It is mainly the domain of the ‘felt’ – the right brain. It’s good to remember that most, but not all, of our emotions – especially all the old stored up ones – reside in our Child part. Before we learned to talk our whole world was about feelings & sensations! Childhood pleasant or painful emotions can be triggered when a current event copies or reminds of a past one – especially if it was something that happened to us over & over (being ignores, scolded… or being praised, comforted….). For expl, the Child gets activated when we smell a favorite childhood food & we feel happy, nostalgic & hungry. OR when rage, terror or despair dominates reason, the Child has taken over. Then, like with the Parent E.S., we can retrieve our reason or correct our thinking so that the emotions become more manageable, but it’s not easy.

● This E.S. represents our entire identity as we were throughout our early years, & is still with us as grown-ups. Humans go thru 7 developmental stages, & can get stuck in any one of them because of loss or other trauma occurring during that period. In that case, even though we continue growing into the following phases we hold damage in the unfinished/ unfulfilled ones, with their distortions. The Inner Child includes defense mechanisms, thought processes, perceptions, feelings, and behaviors of any developmental phase where fixation occurred. When this E.S. takes over it’s like getting hijacked by something within oneself so we become like a child or younger persona. Presently, one stressor may throw us back to thoughts, feelings & actions as if we were 10, while another event we may make us experience ourselves or the world as we did when we were infants. The re-emergence of the Child at such times shows us the need to repair a particular damage from the past. (Read “Cycles of Power” by Pamela Levin for examples).

Leftover CHILD experiences may be grouped along:
a. developmental lines - you may have had painful experiences which you’ve pushed down into a forgotten mental closet, & being unresolved are still operating in how you function & react.
– at age 4 : when a sibling was born & you were left behind when mom went to the hospital with no one to explain or comfort. Not knowing what was happening you we scared, alone, confused – abandoned & unsafe
– then at age 6 : you started school, wanting to belong but had trouble fitting in, with some of the same emotions of the 4 yr old – confused, scared, lonely, left out ….
– as a teen : being uncomfortable about relating to the opposite sex, not being in the in-crowd …. feeling shy & insecure, like those very first days at school
– as an adult :  when sexually attracted to someone, feeling again like that insecure teen or scared 6 yr. old, awkward when talking to them or afraid to approach for fear of rejection, like the 4 yr old who’s mother ‘left’ you for another child!

b. specific events – such as having a long series of losses
– age 4: a parent died or went away permanently. You didn’t understand, weren’t helped to cope with the pain, felt traumatized & withdrew
– age 7 : your family moved far away, separating you from familiar connections with school, neighbors & friends. Starting over was tough.
– as a teen : Your ‘best’ friend left you behind to hang out with other kids. You were devastated & angry.These accumulated abandonments left either trusting no one or trusting too easily – just to not feel alone.
– as an adult : when your mate, best friend of even your child goes out – without you – you may feel a deep pang of abandonment, fear & jealousy, as if they’re never coming back.

These experiences add up to feeling of being unwanted, so you become paranoid, bitter & isolated, OR create a persona to cover the pain – the comedian or the brain or the controlling leader – someone no one can ignore, ever again. Either way the CHILD is in charge, with a weak Healthy Adult & missing the Good Parent.

NEXT: CHILD E.S. (Part 2)

PROCESS – Recovery (Part 1)

 

YOU MEAN PROCESS WORKS?
Yes. And it’s not a dirty word!

Previous: Autonomy & Attachment

Reminder: Use ACRONYM page for abbrev.

BOOK:   PASSAGES, by Gail Sheehy

2. HEALTHY PROCESS
a. AWARENESS (Aw) – mainly ‘head’
i. What: It’s usually about information, based in reality
• something about ourselves, our past, the people we do/did interact with – those ‘AHA‘ moments that makes sense of something confusing or distressing
• it can be the end result of years of study & self-examination or by making an intuitive leap
• can also be about buried emotions which surface, sometimes unexpectedly, as a shock or as a result of conscious recovery work
• a moment of ‘Spiritual Awakening’ – which lights up our inner world

ii. How: Aw. can come from:
• books, TV, movies, songs, websites, blogs
• therapy, 12-step programs, ministers, other healers
• talking to family, friends – even strangers
• meditation, journaling, drawing, Inner Child Writing,  -etc.

iii. Who - is mainly from the Healthy ADULT ego state, which is observing & learning from everything in the present, accumulating & putting pieces of info together – in our own unique way
• It is not info coming from fear, self-hate, shame, guilt… So, NOT from the bad parent or the wounded child ego states

vi. Like:
• we don’t deserve abuse — for anything!
• that following the toxic family rules is soul murder
• that perfectionism is an expression of our self-hate
• it takes a certain amount of recovery to realize just how damaged we really are! – as denial diminishes
• some people will not like the changed that come from our growth

• self-esteem is not arrogance, selfishness or ‘ego’
• we can’t convince others of our point of view IF agreeing with us would cost them their sense of personal equilibrium (unhealthy)
• active addicts made poor parents, friends & mates, bosses …..
• no matter how hard we try to improve ourselves, some people will never be comfortable with us
• our identity cannot, must not, depend on having everyone like us

b. ACCEPTANCE (Acc) – mainly about Feelings & Process
This topic is covered extensively in post: ’Acceptance & ACoAs’
i. What: Acc takes time – we need to thaw out (lessen the need for rigid defenses) enough to allow old accumulated emotions to surface.  All that pain, still hidden from us in the unconscious, powers the engine of our self-hate & lack of clear identity
• Al-Anon’s 3 Cs “I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it’
• Acc is the opposite of ACoA (WIC)/ alcoholic grandiosity, which makes us think we have impossible powers, over everything, all the time
• it’s the essence of the Serenity Prayer
• taking responsibility for our own lives, while thoroughly acknowledging what happened to us as kids

ii. How - by:
• understanding what it is & isn’t (see post)
• a conscious effort to deal with reality, as much as we can
• having a loving, safe and smart support system
• connecting with an H.P. of our understanding, to help us heal
• persevering, no matter how long it takes
• learning to consistently be there for our IC

iii. Who – mainly from the Inner Child.
• Psychically, we have a huge ‘trans-atlantic’ multi-stranded steel cable, with one end attached to our gut & the other to our family (dead or alive).  This takes time, effort & repetition
• In recovery we have to snip away at each strand that feeds us their damage, & yes, keep any that are safe, healthy & useful.

vi. Like -  See also post on ‘Acceptance‘
• we are damaged, NOT defective. Damage can be healed.
• what self-hate tells us is always a LIE
• S-H is a defense against feeling the original abandonment pain
• all emotions are legitimate info about our experiences
• normal = human = imperfect = OK / acceptable

NEXT : Healthy Process – “Actions” (Part 2)

Negative INTROJECT (Part 2)

YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Is it the Pig Parent or the damaged kid?

PREVIOUS: Negative Introject  (Part 1)

REVIEW: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

NOTE: ‘IT’ has been changed to NI (= Pig Parent or Bad Voice)

HOW CAN WE TELL when the ‘NI’ is talking?
a. The ‘YOU’ form – when talking to ourselves in a negative, harsh way. THAT is the bad parent voice: “You should have know better…”, “See, everyone thinks you’re stupid”, “You could have done better than that!” ….
In this form, our original caretakers still have to keep us terrified, dependent, dis-empowered – or they’ll loose their grip & fade away. If that were to happen they wouldn’t get their needs met (thru us), since they never wanted to do that for themselves. That’s what they need us for!   OR we may only hear:

b. The ‘I’ form – which is the Inner Child (WIC) expressing its S-H in response to & fully believing the Negative Introject, who is off stage – but definitely not absent – spewing it’s poison from the wings.
In this case we can only hear the NI by implication, as puppet master. whenever we self-talk in the same judgmental, impatient way as they did to us. Now it’s in the first person, the IC mimicking the bad parent: “I’m such a looser’,  “I never do anything right”,  “I don’t know how to do things”, “No one could ever love me”…..

This version is much sneakier:
THEM: By being far in the background it cannot be held accountable. The NI gets to stay off the hot seat, harder to catch as the source of the abuse, which the Introject will never admit to anyway, even when confronted!

US: We collude (unconsciously) in keeping it hidden from ourselves because we can’t bear to admit how dangerous our ‘loved ones’ were. Now that they’re ‘inside’ us we don’t know how to get rid of them.
SOME UNHEALTHY attempts at shutting the PP voice up:
• heavy drinking & drug use, & all other addictions (sex, food, spending, exercise, internet….)
• overworking, endless schooling, career we hate…
• suicide attempts or suicidal behavior (dangerous people & activities)

BTW – each of us refers to our personal ‘NI’ by a name & image which suits its character & our imagination: The  ‘Bat’ we hit ourselves with; the ‘Bats’ – the parent’s who only call at night when they’re drunk; the vampire; the Gorn – from Star Trek; the monster; Mom, or Dad; the Shadow….  Eric Berne, in Games People Play, calls it “The Pig Parent”.  What’s yours?

PURPOSE of the ‘NI’
a. The WIC hangs on to the bad voice with a fanatic devotion because it’s the only parent it has ever known. It’s afraid to let go because  – as one ACoA’s Inner Child screamed in a therapy session – “What will I do without them?”. As we replace the bad voice by consistently, lovingly parenting ourselves, the WIC will let go, but not quickly or easily!

b. The NI uses it’s convoluted, sadistic power to pour gas on the flame of life’s stresses TO:
• validate its beliefs (T) & actions (A), so it never has to take responsibility or be held accountable, & therefore never risk change!
• to keep us symbiotically attached by feeding our S-H. If we’re convinced the abuse was our fault, we’ll never expel it & then it won’t have to face its own abandonment wounds

POWER of the ‘NI’
i. Technically – it is wired into our brain in very deep pathways, by virtue of repetition & emotional bonds (the limbic system & the frontal cortex).  Each groove forms the easiest way for electrical energy to travel
(strongest chemical trace) so it becomes out default reaction.  AA-ers say “Alcoholics dig their own ruts, & then decorate them – making them so comfortable they never want to move out!”

ii. Psychologically
From the I.C.
• all children are completely loyal to their parents & their zeitgeist. ACoAs can’t afford to know how toxic they were for us. We love & need them, even when we hate them. So we protect them – at our own peril!
• Those original adults taught us to be afraid of the world AND that we are unlovable. So even now we don’t dare ‘leave home’. Our connection to them is painful, but we believe the world is even worse. We’re convinced no one else will want us &/or they’ll trample us. So we stay connected to ‘NI’ rather than risk the ‘horror’ of the outside. (See: Acceptance, Part 1)

From the NI – Internalized voices have a life of their own (ego states)
• The NI is composed of all the painful emotions they never dealt with – their self-hate, fear, rage, shame, guilt, loneliness, hopelessness…
• AND their destructive thoughts, rigid beliefs, irrational opinions  (their ‘stinking thinking’)  & occasionally something useful, positive, knowledgeable… which we heard over & over

NEXT: Negative Introject (Part 3)

ACoAs & RISK – AVERSE & ADDICTED

 

DANGER IS MY MIDDLE NAME!
Don’t bore me with your caution

PREVIOUS: RISK  – Intro

 

1. RISK-AVERSE
In terms of T.E.A., while risk is primarily about Actions, there is a type that fits into the Emotion & Thinking categories – the risk of personal growth, with the consequences of:
T. – internally letting go of the Negative Introject, which is our addiction & attachment to our family (giving up our denial)
E. – being able to tolerate the painful emotions what surface in the process of letting go, both from re-experiencing pent-up old pain, as well as facing being hurt by current family judgment & abuse for ‘leaving them’ ie. upsetting the family mobile by changing the dysfunctional dynamics.
A. ….& the action: sometimes having to distance ourselves from actual family members & dealing with the possible fallout

• This category of risk-aversion is called resistance. It’s NOT:
– opening up, emotionally, in the right places, in order to heal and grow (“You’re only as sick as your secrets”
– being willing to feel ones feelings, deal with ones damage…
So, without any Recovery or without deep FoO work – it’s expressed in by being anorexic, not necessarily with food but in many other areas of life. We prevent ourselves from taking in all the good things available to us.
The #1 reason for not risking very much is to keep up the fantasy / demand that someone else will eventually rescue us from having to grow up & be responsible for ourselves.

SOME ACoAs are :
a. MORE risk-averse – hardly ever taking risks of any kind, living mainly as victims, who stay in menial or unfulfilling jobs most of their work life, stay closer to home, don’t try new things, don’t reach out…
b. LESS averse: There are also some who are more adventuresome in many ways, possibly in the ‘action’ category, but afraid to risk in other important areas, often emotional, or a combination. EXAMPLES –
NOT:
• speaking up for yourself, asking for your needs or preferences
• asking for help; making calls; responding to a Q which you know the answer to; talking to unfamiliar people
• setting boundaries or limits on what is acceptable behavior from others
NOT:
• avoiding people who are needy, users, leaches, abusers
• leaving a bad or outgrown relationship OR rarely or never being in one; having an adequate support system
NOT:
• having an adequate salary to live comfortably (under-earning), or greatly increasing your income
• pursuing a career passion or vocation which has been a long-held dream; taking classes to expand your world, ‘following your bliss‘
• starting over, somewhere else that’s more suitable to you
NOT:
• trying out new foods; changing personal style of clothes or hair when appropriate (with age…), improving your living conditions
• looking for new, better or easier ways to do things  —– etc.
• learning & then doing something creative, including ‘publishing’ it

Present-day REASONS
• can’t take center stage in our own life
• copying a parent’s life-long fear of risk
• obeying our personal toxic rules
• rebelling against family demands for success
• not wanting to lose the proof of their abuse
• not allowed to be visible, or out-shine them
also FEAR – of:
• abandonment, reprisals, punishment
• authority; not being perfect; not picking the right thing
• being a ‘laughing stock’
• being shown as incompetent (not knowing)
• dealing with competition
• having to deal with others’ jealousy
• not getting deepest desires, anyway
AND / OR
• we’ll have to face one’s childhood damage AND CHANGE!
• have to S & I (outgrow & out do unsuccessful family)
• may have to leave parent, friends, mate, children, job, addictions, locations…. if they prevent our growth
• have to deal with the discomfort of having good things & being successful, as an adult – which the WIC says it doesn’t know how to be
• then have to take more risky steps after that… maybe even scarier (like: write something, then publish, then promote, then…)

2. RISK-ADDICTED
Risk-junkies were just as terrorized growing up as the risk-averse, but their unconscious ‘defense of choice’ is to be counter-phobic, ie. so numb to the fear they carry, that they need a high degree of stimulation (danger) just to feel alive.

These ACoAs are more afraid of being still, of being quiet, of stopping long enough to hear their WIC voice of hysteria & feeling the panic, than dealing with all the outer dangers they put themselves in. The anxiety gets poured into:
• addictions, esp. those involving high risk (sex, illegal drugs…)
• any illegal careers (prostitution, drug & gun trafficking, murder…)
• compulsive activity (always having to be on the go), EVEN things like running across a street with heavy traffic, as the light is changing!!
• dangerous avocations (various sports…)
• dating/marrying dangerous people (addicts, felons, abusers…)
• high pressure jobs (some: lawyers, agents, sales people..)
• high-risk legal careers (police, military, boxing, firefighting…)

These potentially dangerous activities are often described by adrenalin addicts as fun, exciting, ‘the only way to live’… BUT like any addict, when forced to give up that lifestyle – they can experience:
• depression, feeling suicidal, hopeless
• feeling FLAT, that life’s boring, not worth it
• being unable to motivate themselves, in general
• great difficulty creating a new way to life that is both healthy and pleasurable

Fortunately, with recovery & doing ‘the work’ & sometimes the right medication – that misery will lift. We can pursue our dreams, without drama! Progress is it’s own re-enforcer.

NEXT: Healthy Risk

ACoAs & RISK – Intro

 

TO RISK OR NOT TO RISK -  That is the question

PREVIOUS:

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

Basic MEANING of RISK
Most people only use the term to mean a situation where there’s the possibility of harm, misfortune or loss.
However, there are 2 other possible outcomes – that of a positive outcome (pleasure, accomplishment & success) OR a neutral / acceptable result.

Conversely, it may seem obvious that if the outcome in known ahead of time or predictable based on previous information, then Risk is no longer a factor. But this is not so simple for ACoAs – because of our very deep denial system. We continually ignore things we do know, from years of experience, returning to dangerous situations or staying connected to harmful people, so we keep getting burned & wonder why we don’t trust!

In general, the most common considerations of Risk are:
PHYSICAL
• dealing with something or someone who is a known source of danger
• a chosen venture undertaken without regard to possible loss or injury
• being exposed to the chance of damage or injury, not of our choice

EMOTIONAL / PSYCHOLOGICAL
• a situation which may result in suffering shame, humiliation, being misunderstood, accused wrongly, being manipulated & used ….
• a factor, thing, element or course of action involving uncertain, unpredictable discomfort or distress
• the possibility that something unpleasant or unwelcome might happen beyond ones control

FOR ACoAs
 – These basic definitions include “uncertain / possible / chance of…” , which means that there’s more than one possible outcome – but not for ACoAs.  WE believe that all risk is bad & will result in guaranteed harm – since we grew up in a physically & emotionally dangerous family & community. We are trained to assume that that’s the way life is, forever – at least for US! It’s so ingrained we don’t even know it’s what we think.

EXP: One man’s cold, abusive mother often told him that the world is a jungle, a survival of the fittest – the weak (him) are eaten by the strong (her) & no matter how big you think you are, there’s always someone bigger & badder who will get you! Naturally he grew up to be very timid.

Also, we were punished equally for big or small infractions of ‘rules’, many of which made no sense or were unspoken! This would make us avoid taking normal actions, much less branching out to try something important (to us) or more unusual.

As a result, it is common for ACoAs to:
– not know or a afraid to acknowledge what we think, feel or want
– not be able to make simple ‘I like, I want’ decisions
– put equal weight on all types of situations, regardless of their actual significance – an expl of B & W thinking (a C.D.)
This is exactly how many of us were treated – if we spilled something, made noise, cried, broke even something small, talked to a boy, got too excited – we were punished as harshly as if we had killed someone!  (See Toxic Rules)

ANXIETY
ACoA issues around risk-taking are always about that internal anxiety.
One of the characteristics on the Laundry List is: “We have become addicted to (negative) excitement after years of living in the midst of a traumatic & often dangerous family ‘soap opera’.” (pgs. 3 – 6, SiteMap).
ALL ACoAs are fear-based*. We usually say we have anxiety, but it’s Inner Child terror we bring with us into adulthood, & underlies every aspect of our life. This anxiety is what drives all our character defects, our acting out, our addictions – anything we feel we don’t have control of.

✶ This does not negate or ignore all of us in long-term recovery – our anxiety level may have gone way down – or not – but the terror-base is very deep. The intensity no longer as strong & not all the time, if we’ve been doing emotion-release work, but some level of fear will still be there. It can grab us in the gut if or when some combination of current events set it off again. The difference is, or should be – that we have years of experience in dealing with life from a healthy place & the tools to take care of ourselves, when our old buttons get pushed. (Use Book-ending)

• So – while some of us became adrenalin junkies other became some risk-allergic! (Yes, I know, one can be a combo…)
BTW – This is why the ‘Serenity Prayer’ (pg. 68 from sitemap) is so important for ACoAs — because we get things backwards. We keep trying to do the impossible & have trouble doing what is possible! We’re not sufficiently afraid of some very dangerous ‘people, places & things’ while being overly scared of things that are not actually harmful (like having our feelings)! Lets look at both types, The Risk averse & the Risk addicted.

CONTROL: Being controlling (as opposed to being in control) is the opposite of any type of risk-taking – which inherently implies unpredictability. That’s why ACoAs try so hard to be mind-readers. Because ACoA are fear-based, to us all risk is bad, so we scramble to control every outcome, to ensure that ‘people, places & things’ don’t abandon us – yet again.

NEXT: Risk Averse & Addicted

Getting to our EMOTIONS – Over (Part 1)

 

HELP, I’M DROWNING -
I can’t cope with all these feeling!

PREVIOUS:

Review Intro of last post (‘Under-Feeling’)

IN THE PRESENT: keep in mind: “If it’s hysterical it’s historical”, therefore our emotional intensity comes from the Inner Child, who had to stuff & store all the hurt no one helped us process, day after day, year after year!

• WE add to the mountain of misery we already carry from our past by feeding our self-hate, guilt, shame along with the reluctance to leave people who are emotionally unavailable &/or outright abusive .  Yet we stubbornly resist doing emotion-release work because we say we don’t want to feel the WIC’s pain – while we’re creating more pain with our damage!  Over-Feelers (O-Fs ) are already suffering! Why not clean it out & be rid of it?
• Being swamped with old pain (and new) blocks our ability to have pleasure! We know we’re not happy but are so used to being miserable we believe we’ll never be free if it.   “Does a fish know it’s wet?” The unexpressed grief & rage keeps us stuck & obeying our family’s Toxic Rules.

• ACoAs need permission and courage to express all emotions (Es), BUT in the right places & in safe ways, learning how to handle them appropriately whenever they surface.  Yes, O-Fs are afraid of letting out intense rage & terror because we really don’t want to hurt others. But sometimes, when our huge abandonment button gets pushed, our Inner Sadist (I.S.) raises it’s head, & we can’t stop ourselves from saying & doing cruel things.  Afterward we usually feel guilty, ashamed & remorseful.  So, as much as we can, O-Fs try to push those big feelings down too – just not as successfully as U-Fs

2. OVER-FEELING (O-F)
a. DAMAGE
O-Fs cannot easily hold in our feelings when hurt, so from childhood on we were reprimanded, punished, made fun of & misunderstood – at home, in school & at play. We cried too much, were depressed, felt suicidal, threw tantrums, were clingy or rude, withdrawn or flamboyant…. The more we expressed our pain the more we were abused, so the more pain we felt; the more we showed our distress at being abused, the more we were punished for it! It was a vicious cycle.

Expl: Jinny was a very bright, intuitive & hyper-sensitive teenager. Not only had she been emotionally & mentally stressed since birth, but then the hormones kicked in. Her ACoA parents had no clue how to deal with her – the narcissistic mother wanted her to ‘shape up’ & the depressed father identified with her but was powerless himself. One evening, in the kitchen, yet another insensitive comment her mother made set Jinny off & she began sobbing.
– Her father came in & told her to stop, which made she cry harder – so he slapped her.  His reason: “You were hysterical & I was trying to snap you out of it”.  It’s something he had once read, so thought he was being ‘helpful’! Jinny was devastated by his betrayal – as he was the kind one.  She knew she was not hysterical & could think quite clearly!  Not everyone can “walk & talk & chew bubble gum” but she could,  yet after all these years (17) her father still had not bothered to find out who she really was!

• As a result of our experiences, O-Fs often hate having emotions but can’t stop ourselves, so we despise our ‘weakness’!  Rarely or never comforted, we were left  desperately alone with our pain – profoundly terrifying for any child.  Combining no comfort with being penalized for expressing legitimate suffering taught us to loath being so sensitive. Therefore O-Fs also have pushed away some emotions, hiding them from ourselves, but still acting them out for everyone else to see!
• This enormous backlog makes un-healed O-F ACoAs very touchy & easy to flare up. One woman in early Recovery expressed it as : “I’m an emotional hemophiliac – touch me & I bleed”!

b. RECOVERY
EXP – a BETTER way to cope with Emotional Intensity
• Sue is an O-F with a strong-willed Inner Child. With great love & effort she has developed a bond of trust with her IC in Recovery.
• Sue is on a blind lunch date in a small upscale restaurant. The man is an engineer, all left-brain & totally un-self-aware. When he asks what she does & she says Astrologer, he begins a lecture about how unscientific & ridiculous that is!  Sue can feel her kid’s rage building to an explosion, but she knows that if she lets her kid attack the man for insulting her & her chosen profession, she will only be making a fool of herself – and in such a small space! SO –
– just before the angry words can leave her mouth, Sue asks the man to talk more about his work. She’s not interested and is not listening, but it stops his ignorant comments AND diverts her emotional energy long enough for her to have a private talk with her kid: “Honey, there’s no point in rebutting. Remember we’ve been taught to think: ‘How important is it?’ This guy wouldn’t get it anyway, & we’re never going to see him again. The only important thing is that I don’t want us to be embarrassed here & sound like the crazy one, since I know we’re not!”  Her IC agrees & is mollified.

NEXT:  Part 2 of Over-Feelers

Loneliness in Recovery (Part 2)

I’M NOT OFTEN LONELY,
now that I have myself!

PREVIOUS: Loneliness in Recovery (Part 2)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

This type of Rec. Loneliness is healthy & to be expected (cont.):

Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of……
….. Re-evaluating all our relationships. This comes in stages, like everything else, first just being aware of the problem, then consider leaving the most blatantly inappropriate / abusive people, then eventually catching the subtle ways people are abusive, unavailable or just plain unsuitable for us, no matter how nice or good they are.
….. The actual ‘leaving’ comes in stages too. Some relationships just drift away, some people we have to have a talk with, some will not accept the loss & pursue us. And then there are the relationships we’ll keep falling back into – even when we know they not healthy for us, because the WIC is not ready to let go of them, so we’re conflicted. When the kid is sick & tired of being sick & tired – we move on – with little or no regret!

Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of……
….. Our increasing awareness:
– when someone is not ‘all there‘ – shut down, distracted, narcissistic, not available. We are truly alone with such people & we don’t like it!
– that we get confused when someone tries to ‘help’ us, but we still feel angry, alone, misunderstood. Sometimes this is because the WIC is not yet allowed to be helped by anyone, BUT more often – as long as we’re still dealing with anyone who is controlling, narcissistic, people-pleasing or a rescuer – we are legitimately picking up that the help or solicitousness offered is tainted. It’s being given for their benefit not ours. That leaves us alone – again!
– that in early Recovery we tend to idealize NEW support people or groups who are genuinely helpful, kind & gentle. This is the WIC seeing them as the Good Parent, rather than just healthier peers. As long as we idealize anyone we will be let down & disappointed when they don’t live up to our fantasies.

✶✶ However, for those of us whose parents are still alive – a very important & powerful Recovery experience is when we finally ‘get it’ that being with our unhealed family leaves us feeling very mentally & emotionally alone – no matter how nice they may be to us in the present. It’s not just our imagination or some flaw in us. It’s that they haven’t done the ‘work’ & are still shut down, still ‘active’, still self-centered…. so our connection is superficial. We want more but they’re simply not available.

Too fast: When we first become aware of how sick many of our long-term relationships are, some of us will want to get rid of everyone right away & perhaps start dumping our whole phone book. If the phone list is very recent that may be OK. But we don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water.  Ending all old relationships at once can be too overwhelming – leaving us bereft of any connections before we can replace them with more loving ones.

Very slowly: At the other extreme are those of us who take a very long time to process any decision to separate, especially regarding long-term relationships that were once important to us. We’re afraid of being disloyal (even tho they don’t deserve it) & afraid of feeling the loss of our illusions about them, since we always knew there was something wrong but couldn’t admit it.

SOME RESULTS
Emotional feelings when leaving inappropriate people can be sadness & brief loneliness, OR relief and healthy self-congratulation.

Practical outcomes can be:
– short-term isolation, which we need to process such big changes, but not from fear, guilt, shame or S-H
– that some people can’t tolerate their own abandonment pain, so will keep bugging up : ”What happened? Where are you? Are you all right”? even after telling them you need space, or ending with a final good-buy.  If you’re truly done, you don’t have to respond. We are not responsible for THEIR WIC, even tho you can understand & have compassion
– we’ll feel lighter & have more energy for our own life & pursuits
– having the space to add in more & more healthy suitable people/ places & things for ourselves

• Keep in mind Al-Anon’s 3 As: 1. Awareness 2. Acceptance & 3. Action. It’s never healthy to jump from #1 to #3, which is what most ACoAs do automatically. We need to spend as much time in #2 as our psyche /WIC needs. Then the eventual Actions will likely be much healthier.

Accept temporary Rec. Loneliness of…..
…. Shifting our dependence to a Higher Power or Spiritual Discipline as the Good-Parent we never had. Humans will always let us down, even the best ones, but “God, as we understand Him” never will. Remember: ‘God is not an alcoholic parent’.
– For those of us having trouble with this concept (from lack of faith, anger at the God of our childhood, or not having a sense of a H.P. greater than ourselves…) we can ask for guidance to a Governing Principle that will be a comfort to us.
• TRUSTING an unseen Spirit Being or Force if hard when we don’t trust anyone or anything. But that shifts as we learn to trust ourselves AND pick healthier people who are more reliable. Also, because Spirit is intangible, we need to be in touch with the emotions housed in the Healthy Child & Loving Parent ego states, our intuition & perhaps our 6th sense.

NEXT: ACoAs & Personal Immaturity

Loneliness in Recovery (Part 1)

 

 

I CAN STAND THE DISCOMFORT
of loneliness because it’s not forever

PREVIOUS: Loneliness in Recovery (Part 1)

SITE: ‘Will I go crazy?”  re. loneliness

TWO STEPS FORWARD….
While all Recovery progress is positive, it is never in a straight line & doesn’t always feel good – as much as we would all like that to be so.  Instead, we move forward at a slow pace, often falling back into old ways & sometimes feel discouraged, like we’re never going to ‘get it’.

John Bradshaw’s statement that a therapist’s job is to take a client “from their misery into their pain” (from our Self-Hate into our Abandonment pain) also applies to each of us individually on our journey thru Recovery.  We need to feel old pain – a little at a time – as we progress, & that includes Loneliness. Is takes courage & perseverance. Recovery (Rec.) creates ‘opportunities’ for feeling lonely, which is a sign of growth as we leave behind the old ways!
The following sources of Rec. Loneliness are healthy & to be expected:

Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of……
….. Separating from the disease of childhood damage (our ‘story’), which is what all of Recovery is about. Any form of ‘letting go’ leaves a temporary feeling of depression & emptiness – as it taps into the old Abandonment pain, in the form of intense fear & accumulated loneliness.  It means:
– S & I from the PP voice, S-H, the Toxic Rules & Toxic Roles. Our inner space has to be filled with the UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult).
– letting go of a wide variety of addictions, a little at a time. When we stop numbing the hole in our soul, the emptiness (not having our True Self yet) lets us feel how Lonely we’ve always been
– outgrowing the compulsion to be symbiotically attached to someone, anyone, letting us feel how lonely it is to be with the wrong people – for us. Accepting that we all have to live in our own skin (‘existential aloneness’), which is healthy & normal. We do need others, but not in a desperate, needy-child way.

Accept temporary Rec. loneliness of..…
….. Doing fewer & fewer self-defeating things. This can be very scary, for a while, so we have to have patience & faith in the process because:
– it’s disorienting to function in a new pattern, until we get used to it
– disobeying the Toxic Rules can bring with it varying degrees of internal backlash, & sometimes very real punishment from others
– it leaves us wondering who we are. We won’t completely prevent the PP voice from whispering in our ear, but as we stop obeying it we can feel confused & alone. We wonder “Who am I without ‘them’?” if we’re not that Role or Persona we developed in childhood.  The WIC is afraid we’ll have no identity without our familiar ‘self’, which is made up mainly of defenses. BUT in reality we were born with a personality all our own & need to strip away the False Identity to find that out.

Accept temporary Rec. Loneliness of…..
….. Getting to know our IC (especially the Healthy one) – & building the UNIT. We gradually become aware that we do not have a monster inside, but a deeply, desperately HURT CHILD.  That WIC may always want to be taken care of by someone else, so there’s a loneliness in letting go of other people as potential parents. Guides, mentors,  teachers, friends…. are appropriate & needed, BUT not in the role of parents. That belongs to us & we have to become compassionate & dependable (trustworthy).
– Any form of dialogue with the IC will gradually fill the empty hole in our gut. Book-ending with the WIC helps shift its focus from past training to present-day reality.

NEXT: Recovery Loneliness (Part 2)

 

SYMBIOSIS & ACoAs (Part 1)

 

AM I ME, AM I YOU & ARE YOU ME?
I hate myself, but I also want you to be exactly like me!

Previous: How ACoAs abandon others (Part 3b)

REMINDER: Use ACRONYM page for abbrev.

SYMBIOSIS
• As infants, all humans are born with a built-in biological & psychological set of tendencies, which interacts with & responds to their specific environment in their own unique way – but not with a formed personality.  The child’s first connection is to the mother (usually) & at first is not aware of a difference between it & it’s caretaker. This symbiosis (one-ness) is normal & appropriate. It allows the child to feel safe & protected while it gradually becomes acquainted with oneself & the big world it has come in to.

• Regardless of the type of home environment, nature & nurture (how we’re treated) combine to form what we think of as our SELF.  If born into a reasonably healthy family, the child is allowed & encouraged to develop it’s own way of being, true to the pre-set template they came into the world with.
✶ This creates a sense of external & then internal safety & gives permission to be oneself, which gradually makes it possible to function in the world as an individual who is comfortable in one’s skin & with other people.

IN CHILDHOOD
a. BROKEN Symbiosis – BUT, if the mother is not available or unable to connect with the infant so that the mother cannot nurture the infant from a deep place of love, the symbiotic bond is never formed or it too soon broken, before the child can tolerate it. This can be from:
– thru’ illness or death, spousal abuse, external trauma such as natural disasters/ war / an accident…
– OR most commonly – a personality dysfunction like narcissism,depression, anxiety…

✶ This creates intense & long-lasting terror, which can lead such children to spend the rest of their life trying to create that missing link with someone – anyone, to stop that terrible, relentless anxiety, SO -
● they may find another wounded soul they can attach to & live together in isolation  – OR
● keep being attracted to emotionally unavailable people, reproducing the very abandonment they so fear (trying to symbiose with the ‘distant’ mother)

b. UNBROKEN Symbiosis – at the other extreme – some mothers who did not have that bond provided in their own infancy will try to get it from their child – creating a captive which can never leave them! This type of mother will make every effort to negate the child’s individuality in favor of her own needs & wants, to make that little person her clone & will punish any disagreement or separation.
If there is no one else available or strong enough to interfere with this suffocating attachment (father, sibling or other…) the child never has the freedom to develop it’s own identity but stays dependent on the mother (& family or substitute) for it’s very existence throughout life.

This creates a child who grows up to (some or all):
• never leave home     • not have any rights
• be depressed, isolated, suicidal    • have weak boundaries
• be unable to have healthy, autonomous relationships
• be terrified of abandonment in any form
• be unable to support oneself   • not trust one’s judgment
• not have one’s own opinions about things
• have only symbiotic relationships with domineering people   – etc
OR
If the child is able to get away – then as an adult, they’ll be terrified of any close involvement with others – & the fear of being engulfed again is so unbearable that it’s expressed as fear of commitment. Even when they are in some form of relationship, they do it with extreme emotional detachment, need for total control, endless sexual conquests, come here – go away interactions, irresponsibility…. or just walking away & never look back!

➼ Both types are ripe for any form of addiction,  trying to fill that big emotional hole inside – but it never works.

Symbiotically attaching oneself to another person is:
• taking someone emotionally captive (the saying is: “Alcoholics – & other narcissists – don’t have relationships, they take hostages”) instead of having equal, healthy, inter-dependence with others
• actually USING others to take care of us instead of caring for ourselves, in order to cover up our self-hate & incomplete identity and to not have to do the deep emotional work that can heal our damage & free up the real us
• the need to insist everyone be a carbon copy of oneself (a mirror image) to validate one’s identity, because we don’t have permission to be our true self, so – if everyone agrees with us then we’re OK (allowed to live).

ADULT Symbiosis (in us or our parents)
• earliest nurturing needs not met as an infant
• not having a strong healthy sense of one’s TRUE self (identity)
• not feeling safe on ones own          • deep fear of abandonment
• intense self-hate, shame, guilt       • not knowing ‘who one really is’
• not having boundaries                     • to control relationships
• not having appropriate role models for healthy ways to relate

Keep in mind:
• Symbiosis is all about original Abandonment, since it’s our WIC who is still desperate to gain that sense of safety – at any cost, to self or others – which healthy infant symbiosis would have/ should have given us, but was not available.

OPPOSITE of symbiosis: “Autonomy & Attachment” post

NEXT: Symbiosis (Part 2)

“FEELINGS AREN’T FACTS” (Part 1)

 

THOUGHTS vs EMOTIONS
I’m confused! What are you talking about?

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Healthy Rules (Part 3)

This is a familiar phrase used in 12-Step Programs, but not exclusive to them. It contains an intrinsic truth and an intrinsic lie.  We have to examine both words – ‘feelings’ and ‘facts’, to understand.

1. FEELINGS
a. CONFUSION:
• In our language, the word feelings is used in almost every context to mean either thoughts, emotions or sensations, without distinction.
• The main hindrance to clear communication is between the first 2, because most of the time people use ‘feel’ to mean Thoughts, not emotions. This causes confusion in both speaker & listener.

• This triple usage may be a clever ploy in our culture – likely unconscious – to not acknowledge Emotions! We’re taught to live in our head, to only focus on actions (“Just do it”), and we gladly embrace that as a defense against facing our deepest pain. So, along with many other sources (family, media, male culture, war, sport…) our language encourages being cut off from our emotions.

b. CLARITY:  We’re not going to change the vocabulary, but we can learn the meaning of these 3 words, so we can use them correctly.
i. Sensations – ‘Feel’ is actually an experience word (Physical) : I feel hungry, tired, thirsty, sexual…

ii. Emotions: If the word ‘feeling’ is meant as Emotions – then what follows can only be single words : “I feel…… sad, glad, mad, scared, happy, etc  (page 47)
• We can have several emotions at the same time & they may or may not be contradictory. That doesn’t have to be confusing – it’s normal, since humans are complex & multi layered
• Different ego states can generate different emotions at the same time: The Inner Child may be sad, while the Inner Adult is curious & the Inner Parent may be angry – all about some situation or event! (traveling, work, a new relationship…)

iii. Thoughts: If the word ‘feeling’ is meant as Thoughts/ Opinions/ Beliefs -  then what comes after is always a sentence, never just one word AND it often leads with ‘that‘ or ‘like’:
•  “I feel that he wants to talk about something”
•  “I feel like you’re not going to support me”
• “I feel that we should leave now”
• “I don’t feel like we’re communicating”
Stated as such, none of these are about emotions, only ideas – even though emotions are often hidden behind the thoughts. It’s subtle & at best it’s unintentionally, at worst it’s manipulative & dishonest

➼ Mix-ups occur when EMOTIONS & THOUGHTS are combined, intermingled & substituted for each other. One reason for this misuse is not being able to own our personal power. ACoAs are ‘notorious’ for being indirect, talking around an important point, leaving out important info, adding too many qualifiers, justifications & apologies!
So we say:
• “ I hope you don’t mind if I tell you…”
instead of  “I’d like to tell you something / I need to talk to you about…”
• “I hope you don’t mind that I…”,  “Is it alright if I…” , “Will you be upset if I…”
instead of (with a smile, perhaps) “I won’t be able to… “,  “I need to…” , “I’d like to…” , “I’m not available for…”
• “I feel like I’m doing better”  instead of “I’m doing better”
• “I feel like I can’t trust him”  instead of “I know I can’t trust him”.

YES, there is a time & place for careful wording, being respectful of others’ time & space, or for apologizing. Also, generally, women are more likely to be indirect, as a way of not being aggressive, which makes staying connected easier. (“He said, She said” by Chris Evatt)
HOWEVER, the above examples of waffling have to do with ACoA shame, S-H, fear of being seen & of punishment / abandonment.
➼ It’s helpful to practice verbalizing our thoughts & emotions using declarative sentences, so they will come out of our mouth more easily, and to repeat, daily: “I know what I know”!

EXAMPLES: A good way to be understood is TO :
a. include both meanings in the same sentence (emotions + thoughts)
• “I’m scared that you won’t stay with me”
• “I feel sad that he’s ignoring me”
• “I’m afraid he may not like this gift”
• “I’m so happy that you got the promotions”
• “I feel excited & curious that you want to tell me something”
• “I’m (I feel) concerned that you don’t stand up for yourself”
This of course implies that we know what we’re feeling (emotions) and  have permissions to feel, own & express them.

b. or to identify our thoughts, opinions & beliefs, directly:
• “I think that the government should…”
• “That’s not my opinion”   •   “I wouldn’t say that…”
• “I suspect he’s not going to honor his agreement”
• “I’m convinced there’s a better way to do this project”

NEXT: “Feelings aren’t facts”, Part 2