I CAN CONNECT
and still be myself!
Previous: Autonomy & Attachment (1)
Reminder: Use ACRONYM Page for abbrev.
ATTACHMENT
ABOUT.com – …. attachment “may be defined as an affectional tie that one person or animal forms between himself and another specific one – a tie that binds them together in space and endures over time. Attachment is not just a connection between two people; it is a bond that involves a desire for regular contact with that person and the experience of distress during separation from that person.” says psychologist Mary Ainsworth
➼ Healthy attachment is NOT fueled by anxiety, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, weak boundaries or neediness.
RATHER, it’s grounded in the opposite:
• A clear sense and acceptance of our true personality, based on our heredity, personal qualities, character, education, accomplishments, experience, tastes, & talents - as well as lacks, limitations & defects
• Having reasonable expectations of ourselves and others, in order to have mutually satisfying relationships, and not be
devastated when others can’t be what we want them to be
• Having good boundaries – knowing what our needs are, how we’re the same or different from others, how we want to be treated – and be able to clearly state our needs & wants, when appropriate
• The ability the tolerate differences, limitation & imperfections in others
• Choosing emotionally available people who are reasonably healthy, are
generally compatible & don’t need us to take care of them
• It’s OK to choose people who have some traits like our family (it’s normal to connect with the familiar), but they treat us better
• When people act in ways that push our buttons, we don’t react as intensely & can respond from our Healthy Adult (not from the WIC or PP)
• Being able to tolerate disconnections with others, even outright losses,
while keeping a sense of our own identity, & knowing that no matter what, we are OK, lovable, strong, capable of taking care of ourselves & being on our own, if necessary.
➼ For those of us from wounded families – we need to slowly DETACH from the inner damage we brought with us from childhood — in order to ATTACH ourselves to the many gifts Higher Power has given us as our birthright – & thus be able to connect with peers !
Excellent article at HELPGUIDE : “Attachment & Adult Relationships”
INTER-DEPENDENCE
Growing successfully thru the other stages will results in our ability to be Interdependent.
Of course, most of us are in flux, sliding back & forth between stages. The goal is to keep working at the process, & not get stuck for too long in any one.
SimilarMinds.com (People who are interdependent) are more likely to see themselves as basically good, good at taking advice, love birthdays, prefer to do things with others, easier to get to know, more expressive about feelings, like to be part of a group, learn better with others, more trusting, more positive, more likely to be content, tend to be traditional, do not like to be without guidance, more likely to feel indebted/grateful to parents, values society, less intellectual, less rigid, more open & relationship oriented
Wikipedia ….(interdependence) is a dynamic of being mutually and physically responsible to, and sharing a common set of principles with others…..
✶ Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act inter-dependently may be good individual producers, but they won’t be good leaders or team players. They’re not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality. Stephen Covey, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’, 1989
✶ Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being. Without interrelation with society he cannot realize his oneness with the universe or suppress his egotism. His social interdependence enables him to test his faith and to prove himself on the touchstone of reality. Mahatma Gandhi, 1929
Need we say more?
NEXT: PROCESS, Part 1
