TRAITS of Abusers

 

IT’S HARD  FOR ME TO GET
how sick they really are!

Previous: Traits of Abusers (Part 2)

Article: LIST of Characteristics

REVIEW: The following are the abusers’ PMES personal CHARACTERISTICS – rather than behaviors
 PHYSICAL
• often have a history of family violence – between the adults, & adults to children, sometimes between siblings
• may be mentally ill, an active addict, usually has some type of mental or emotional disorder, can use chronic physical illness or disability to manipulate everyone or just one significant other

MENTAL
• well-developed self-deception, in denial about their own wounds/ & the effect they have on others, have tightly protected defense mechanisms
• unrealistic expectations of self, others & what relationships are supposed to provide. The P. puts a burden on another person to fulfill needs they didn’t get from their family, instead of healing themselves
• blame others for their problems so they don’t have to be responsible for their actions, or their underlying feeling of vulnerability
• believe in rigid gender roles to keep everyone ‘in their place’
• are loyal to their Toxic family Rules and Roles, needing to convince others of their CDs (cognitive distortions)

EMOTIONAL
Psychological disturbances : narcissistic✶ (see below), co-dependent, borderline, bipolar, depressive, paranoid….
Love addiction
• get involved too quickly, become ‘instantly’ symbiotic
• addicted to partner, are extreme jealousy & possessive
• mate is not seen as a person in their own right, but as a symbol of a parent or other authority figure, especially when the P. is angry
• very good at deceiving others, may have many other relationships, which are superficial. Can be calm, charming and convincing in public

Self-Hate (hidden from most people)
• either need others to keep self-image from collapsing, or they isolate
• full of insecurity, fear & shame, so blame others for their feelings, deny need for help or growth
• hypersensitive to the slightest disrespect or insult, even when it is not intended or there is none
• unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions, (incest, drunkenness, violence…) even in the face of severe consequences
• push away true intimacy (there’s never enough to fill the emotional hole) & can’t believe anyone can be there for them, love them….

Unpredictability   (like Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde)
• selfish or generous depending on mood, sweet or exceptionally cruel and sharp
• impulsive – not in control of thoughts, emotions or actions
• opportunistic & manipulative, taking advantage of others weakness or needs
• intense fear of abandonment AND of commitment (being trapped)
• emotionally volatility (unpredictable mood changes), fear of being “out of control” & compensate with the need for power and control
• uncontrolled temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments, OR passive aggressive

✶ Narcissism is not self-esteem – at all – but a condition that includes:
- mental obsession & compulsion (actions) to hide real or imagined flaws
- grandiosity, overestimating their importance, achievements, talents …
- unable to put themselves in someone else’s shoes (empathize), while constantly looking for & demanding attention
- get very angry & feel deep shame when criticized, or if any personal imperfections are pointed out
- manipulate others, especially partners, with blame, guilt, distorted ‘logic’, bribes,  threats…. to control them.  (It is estimated that 85% of narcissists are male)

SPIRITUAL
• often don’t have a clear moral compass, so are too easily swayed by their own greed, revenge, fear, cowardice…. & easy for the P. to lie, cheat, steal … even if it’s just a little, & secretly
• may not have genuine concern for the suffering of others (rather than people-pleasing or grand-standing). Any ‘generosity’ is self-serving, to make themselves important, needed, look good, cover S-H….
• either use ‘religion’ / spiritual teachings as a way to beat up & control others OR have a weak or non-existent Spiritual belief & practice they can fall back on in hard times, to help them:
– cope with & heal their deep-seated terrors & damage
– to trust that they’re taken care of & safe
– know that all is well & that there’s enough love to go around!

NEXT: Emotional Abuse of Children

 

S & I needs a Heathy EGO (Part 1)

A HEALTHY EGO -
allows me to flourish

PREVIOUS: S & I – Intro (Part 2)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

Articles : “Ego Psychology”  /  Trans4mind : definition & purpose of ego

“The purest definition for ego is – The individuated consciousness of Infinite Being….a unique and distinct personality apart from universal consciousness”, says teacher & author Enoch Tan. Therefore Spirit & Ego go hand in hand: it’s the way Spirit has of expressing itself in its unique way, so without Ego you as an individual would not exist. (From Dream Manifesto)

To successfully Separate & Individuate (S & I), we need a HEALTHY EGO.  It’s the source of our overall physical, emotional & mental health, in relationship with ourselves & to others. In modern psychological circles the word EGO is often replaced by “confidence, self-esteem, self-awareness”.

➼ It’s unfortunate that most people misuse Ego to mean ‘arrogant, self-centered, conceited, limiting’…. & therefore a bad thing! Because it’s almost always incorrectly equated with the real problem of adult narcissism, it is no longer understood for its original meaning. We hear this in 12-Step programs, therapy, ‘spiritual’ literature, even famous people talking about the pitfalls of our ego, such as ‘Oprah’s Lifeclass: The False Power of Ego’.
These labels are not correct meanings of the term. The ‘character defects’ being referred to come from our PP or WIC aspects. Neither of those internal ego-states have healthy egos!  Wounded people are said to have damaged egos, split-personalities have multiple egos & psychopaths have fractured egos. NOT having a strong, clear ego causes us to be victims & doormats!

NOTE: Step 3 of AA’s 12 Steps says: “Made a decision to turn our will & our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him”.  In this context, the focus is on the word will. What will? Who’s will? ACoAs are afraid of this Step because it feels like volunteering for slavery to yet another authority figure – in this case the “ultimate” one.  This is one reason why so many ACoAs reject all religious or spiritual connection, or are drawn to spiritual paths that do not include a specific God-person. The WIC is still functioning from the experience that “God is an alcoholic parent” & therefore unsafe!

• Before Recovery (& even for a long time during) ACoAs do not have actual free will – no matter how headstrong, arrogant or genuinely accomplished. As long as we are still run by our childhood damage – the Toxic Rules – our will is not our own, but is fundamentally controlled by the Negative Introject ego state, which has the passionate devotion & obedience of the WIC.  So, the point of S & I is to achieve the freedom of finding & expressing our True Self, by un-hooking from the Internal Bad Parent.

• A NORMAL (healthy) EGO is essential for normal & successful functioning – the center of consciousness, the “eye” through which we look at the world. It allows us to become strong, loving, valuable, contributing members of society, both in work and in relationships – the foundation for “emotional intelligence.”
It’s the adult / reality part of ourselves, the “I” that chooses what to think, feel & act. It is separate from the creations of our own thoughts, and from the Self of others. It is the natural capacity for perception, attention, memory, concentration, motor coordination and language.  It is NOT something to get rid of!

• According to Freud, the EGO functions on the Reality Principle, ‘sitting’ mainly in the pre-conscious & conscious part of our mind, but its strong ties to the id means it also interacts with the unconscious. Ego is the part of the ‘psychic apparatus’ that works to achieve a balance between the id’s anti-social wishes & our personal standards via the superego.  It prevents us from automatically acting on those id urges, while working to satisfy them in realistic & socially appropriate ways. This is accomplished by using a variety of defense mechanisms, which can be divided into 4 levels, from worst to best: Pathological, Immature, Neurotic, Mature.  (Read more…. )

The healthy ego mediates conflicts between the demands of the:
• id – the impulsive, unconscious part of our psyche that responds directly & immediately to human instincts, which is chaotic and totally unreasonable (the young narcissistic child)
• superego – the incorporated values of family & society becoming our own conscience & Ideal Self (Loving OR Bad Internal Parent), and
• reality – the demands of the social and physical environment

Exp: If someone cuts you off in traffic, the Healthy Ego prevents you from chasing down the car and physically attacking the offending driver (altruism). It allows you to know that that reaction would be detrimental to you & the other person, and socially unacceptable (identification). A strong EGO knows that there are other more appropriate ways of venting frustration & is in control of your choices (sublimation).

Psychologist Kit Yarrow says: “A person with a healthy ego is able to see their flaws, learn from their mistakes and forgive themselves. They allow others to know them, rather than to see only the surface. Because they do – they feel loved. They act purposefully rather than react emotionally to stressful people and situations.”

NEXT: S & I – Ego, (Part 2)

ACoAs & SELF-ESTEEM – what it IS NOT

 

ACTING ALL SUPERIOR?
Not me-e-e

PREVIOUS:

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

IN IT’S SIMPLEST FORM, the opposite of self-hate is self-esteem. Since our Western culture is based a great deal on outer appearance, most people think that if you look & sound good, you must:
• have come from a nice, happy family background
• be happy, healthy & have good self-esteem (S.E.)

ACoAs believe that in spades. We assume that anyone who has OR seems to have personal qualities & a life style that we don’t (a variety of relationships, making $$, an education, travel…) – must have a positive sense of identity. Actually, there’s a big difference between true self-esteem & the facade of it.  Various defense mechanisms can mimic it, especially narcissism.

Self Esteem is NOT….
1. …. based solely on activities or accomplishments
• there are people who are famous, rich, powerful – but we know from their bios that many are active addicts, spouse abusers & sometimes murderers, have relationships full of drama or can’t commit at all….

2. …. acting entitled, superior, arrogant, pushy
• anyone who acts this way is covering up feeling scared & insecure, even though they may not be consciously aware of it.  Acting entitled is narcissistic – they believe only they have rights!

3. …. being superhuman – highly accomplished, chasing the impossible, being the best of the best
• achieving big things may or may not benefit humanity. What’s important here is MOTIVATION. The compulsion to succeed is driven by anxiety, not S.E. – fear of failure, fear of being found out as a fraud, fear of poverty, fear of being powerless, fear of being controlled….

4. …. being a super-helper – rescuer, martyr, people-pleaser
• being ‘wonderful’ to everyone, long-suffering, over-tolerant, over-doing… comes from LOW S.E. & FoA. Without Recovery, sooner or later, they may have some type of collapse or live with chronic depression

5. …. always being right – having all the answers, needing to prove what we know
• ‘know-it-alls’ use their info as a battering ram or as a shield – either way it comes from insecurity. It’s a defense – they have to keep the facade of being better than they feel inside.  It’s also a way to keep emotions at bay – focusing on facts rather than feelings

6. …. being powerful – lording it over others, being controlling
• the need to use personal power to make others submissive or compliant is both narcissistic & cruel – whether done by a CEO or a mother. All forms of controlling is based in fear, which the person is usually not aware of, or not willing to acknowledge

7. …. being perfect – the ‘good’ one, the Hero, Ms or Mr Popular
• while there is social acceptability in this persona, it is usually based in the co-dependent need to be approved of, to be mirrored by the admiration of others, rather than having a clear internal sense of self. Without this constant reinforcement, the person is depressed & at sea.

8. …. having lots of relationships, but superficially, with people who are:
• needy & insecure or narcissistic, are users, have the same social interests, like being paid attention to or rescued, want to be around fame & power…
• having ‘friends’ by itself does not automatically imply S.E. It depends on the quality, depth & mental health of the relationships

9. …. doing whatever we want – needing instant grat, having transient relationships, running away, ignoring others
• this is immaturity, being run by their WIC, fear, weak boundaries, narcissism, irresponsibility

10. …. being ‘cool’ – repressing emotions, being in control, not needing others, being mysterious, above it all
• it is actually being cut off from most or all their emotions, numb, hard, angry. It’s also from fear of failure, of abandonment, of being trapped & suffocated emotionally, & keeps them disconnected from others

Part 2: What Self-Esteem IS

ACoAs Getting Controlled (Part 2)

I’M JUST FOLLOWING THE RULES
why am I being jerked around?

PREVIOUS: Being Controlled (Part 1)

READING: Dealing with Manipulative people – from “In Sheep’s Clothing”

The PROGRAMMING to be controlled is MAINTAINED BY:
1. Toxic Family RULES
• “Don’t think for yourself” , “You’re stupid & will never amount to anything”…. which taught us to believe that others are more qualified to tell us what to do & how to be
• “If you don’t like it you have to stay”, “You’re always supposed to suffer”….  insures that we do not have permission to object or leave

• “You can never be comforted when in pain” , “Joy, contentment & peace are not an option for you”… keeps us from finding & staying in comfortable, nourishing relationships or environments
• “Other people’s needs & feelings are always more important than yours” , “I have no rights” …. makes us afraid to say what we do or don’t want / will tolerate – lest we hurt someone’s feelings or make them angry at us

• “Do as I say, not as I do” , “Children should be seen & not heard”… trained us to obey authority, no matter how stupid or cruel
• “Be loyal to the family, even if they’re crazy, hurtful, neglectful or sadistic” , “Never, ever hold anyone else accountable for their bad behavior” (especially ‘authority’)… insures that we cling to anyone who treats us as badly as our family, because no one else would want us

• “You deserve to be punished severely for bad things that others do to you (because it’s your fault)” allows the controller to reinforce our victim status & keeps us from questioning the validity of their behavior
• And of course – our Self-Hate (our WIC’s extension of the PP) tells us we’re not worthy of consideration in any way, even when we don’t like how we’re being treated – SO “Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel, Don’t Think” about the abusive nature of being controlled!

2. ADULT EXPERIENCES
We let others control us as long as we do not develop a strong Healthy Adult /Parent UNIT to be responsible for leading our Inner Tribe, leaving the job to the WIC & PP. We give in to others because of:
• Abandonment (FoA) – afraid someone is going to leave us (a lover) or take something important away (a job), we act the Victim, trying to twist ourselves into whatever is demanded of us
• Blanking out – ‘leaving our body‘, which shuts our mind off temporarily & makes us not present at all, so we can’t think or talk – allowing others to push their way into our thoughts & actions, & take over

• Co-Dependence – we’re looking for others to tell us who we are, to know how to earn their love by trying to be what we think they want
• Hopelessness – ‘learned helplessness’ is the outcome of trauma, so we learned to not even try, even when circumstances are more in our favor
• Ignorance: not knowing what words to actually say to protect & defend ourselves, or push someone away when appropriate
• Immaturity – we think when others control us it’s an expression of their love, & we don’t want to be in charge of our own life

• Loneliness – that desperate inner emptiness which is actually a left-over from childhood, and in the present is the result of not having a Loving Parent to be nurturing, which would heal the WIC
• Naiveté – not realizing (or not wanting to know) how selfish, narcissistic & unscrupulous some people are, wanting to believe everyone has good intentions or is just doing their best!
• Narcissism (ours) – whereby we thoroughly believe that everything others do, say, think or feel – is about us. Very little is!

• Perfectionism – we try to be all things to all people to make up for feeling unloved as a child, and to guarantee everyone’s approval
• Sensitivity – we are highly attuned to other people’s emotional distress, which we not only absorb (when we don’t have good Bs) but then try to fix, instead of healing our own
• S-H – a sense of unworthiness so deep that we’ll let anyone do anything they want to us
• Unable – thinking we don’t know how or can’t do anything, so let others tells us what to do

3. General NEGATIVE STATE
a. Experiencing Bondage / losing independence
Accept unwanted situations, be tied down against our will, addicted & enslaves, submit to another, be obsess, be controlled

b. Focusing on the Material / only aware of the physical
Caught up in appearances, getting & spending, over-indulge the senses, forget the spiritual

c. Staying in Ignorance / being unaware
Operate within a narrow range, choose to stay in the dark, be taken in by appearances, experience limitations, fear the unknown

d. Feeling Hopeless / lacking faith
Believe the worst, see the ‘cold world’, think negatively, despair, doubt, foresee a bleak future  (More…..)

NEXT: Getting Controlled (Part 3)

ACoAs Getting Controlled (Part 1)

  

I’LL BE & DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT –
just so you won’t leave me!

Previous: Backlash of over-control (Part 2)
Article: “Recognizing…..Control” – extensive list of tactics used by Cs

REMINDER: Go to Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

GETTING controlled by others
People who are easily controlled don’t know there’s a difference between -
a. Natural, appropriate authority (& mental/emotional coercion). Being IN control is using our power in a positive way – to be in charge of oneself or to be a good leader. The person in control is the main decision-maker, in charge of communication & makes things happen. People choose to listen & follow Cs because they want to learn, connect &/or be taken care of –
– VS.
b. Un-natural, abusive control. Controllers (Cs) misuse power – they force us to obey them, against our will. They have no regard for our rights, needs or individuality. They use their position to suppress our identity so only their personality is visible. Their main weapon is their anger, aimed at making us afraid, so we’ll be more compliant.

ACoAs letting ourselves get controlled:
• Most ACoAs were negatively controlled as kids, and without Recovery we continue playing out the victim role we were originally forced into. Allowing others to control us, as adults, copies our earliest experiences. It keeps us symbiotically attached to the ‘source’ of our wounds & therefore emotionally immature, AND ‘protects’ us from having to face our own fear of intimacy (“ACoAs & Boundaries, Part 1 & 2”)

• Allowing ourselves to BE CONTROLLED as adults is a dual experience:
First: We have to be around someone who is a controller – who belittles us, embarrasses us in front of others, treats us like a child, tells us what to do or how to be….who is manipulative & intimidating, however subtly.
Second: We have to be available.  While dealing with such a person is unpleasant for anyone, for ACoAs it is emotionally debilitating – but also emotionally addictive!  We fall into a black hole, regressed to an old familiar space of being a powerless child with no options. We’re trapped & become mute! We’ve been programmed to instantly surrender – we have no rights or identity of our own. And then we stay, & make excuses for the controller!

T.E.A. (thoughts, emotions, actions)
Many teachers & groups teach us that we choose to feel the way we do, often with a subtle judgment attached. Of course the word feel is being used to mean thoughts rather than emotions, (see post: “Feelings Aren’t Facts”, Sept ‘10) which is confusing & harmful, as it leads to believing we should ‘control’ our Es! This is not fair or realistic. No one chooses their Es, only what we Think & how we Act! Yes, sometimes changing Ts & As can shift our Es, but not always, especially not when the pain we’re feeling is old & therefore cumulative. That takes time to vent & process out of the body.

• Being controlled is an outward manifestation of beliefs internalized from childhood. And when we consider those Toxic Family Rules (‘beliefs’ being a sub-category of Thinking) we find them very hard to change, indeed.
As adults, allowing ourselves to be controlled in not a conscious choice! It’s a knee jerk reaction to specific people or events that are carbon copies of our family experience.  It’s a clear indication that in those moments of capitulation to the will of another – our WIC is in charge. To flatly ‘accuse’ us of choosing to be manipulated (Action) or be miserable (Emotions)…. only adds to our S-H & is in fact a subtle form of abuse & abandonment.

YES – we are responsible for changing our training. We do need to learn new ways of thinking & acting so we can take back the power we give to others.  BUT we can only do this if -first- we:
– understand what’s actually going on inside of us
– have compassion for ourselves (we didn’t cause this originally)
– remember that changing deeply-etched brain patterns takes time
– learn what our needs are & use them to practice having boundaries
– ask for help whenever we need it, especially when we’re regressed (in that child ego-state of being a victim, lost child, scapegoat…)
– develop & continually strengthen the Loving Parent voice in us

The more we try to please others (and the more people we try to please), we become:
– MORE frantic, disorganized, overwhelmed, angry, unhappy, exhausted
– LESS focused, rested, peaceful, satisfied, pleasant to be with
AND the fewer people we actually please!

Letting ourselves be controlled (by our fear and/or by another person) is giving our power away. Yet we think it will actually:
– GAIN us acceptance, love, continual attention, protection
– PREVENT being ignored, made fun of, punished or left
Unfortunately, this is an illusion!

• We CAN find these things – but only with SOME people, SOME of the time. It depends on who THEY are – such as people:
– who are already capable of offering positive qualities
– with whom we are genuinely compatible (not just matching our damage)

• We can be absolutely wonderful, healthy, charming, appropriate… & still be abused or negated by someone who is wounded, angry, prejudiced, drunk, crazy…. The measure of our recovery is how quickly we get ourselves away from such people. Think: how sometimes good people in the public eye are vilified, even killed, over controversial topics!
What matters is:
a. To be as sane & responsible as we can be, a day at a time
b. To choose wisely who we spend our time with!

NEXT: ACoAs Getting Controlled (Part 2)

ARE YOU AN ACoA?

WHY AM I THE WAY I AM?
From being raised by alcoholics, acoas & other narcissist!

50 Qs: A Self-evaluating List for Adult-Children of alcoholics, abusers, abandoners….
Answer: Y = yes, N = no, S = some, D = don’t know

DO YOU…?….
___find that you seek out tension or crisis, & then complain about it
___become anxious around angry people or authority figures
___mistrust your feelings, thought, perceptions
___tend to see issues in life as B & W, right or wrong
___worry that your emotions may overpower or hurt you, or others
___tend to lie or exaggerate, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth
___find the needs & wants of others more important than your own
___prevent yourself from experiencing the joy of your successes
___frequently anticipate that situations or life won’t work out for you
___isolate yourself when problems arise, or when you ‘feel bad’
___find yourself in one or more survival ‘roles’ (hero, lost child…)
___have a fear of abandonment when criticized
___strongly criticize yourself when not being perfect
___defend or excuse people when they abuse you, implying you deserve it
___get locked into a course of action without seeing alternatives or outcomes
___react to people & situations, instead of choosing your responses
___have trouble relaxing, playing, having fun
___had trouble with close, intimate relationships
___feel responsible for the feelings & actions of others, & try to fix them
___stay in relationships even tho’ you’re being constantly hurt, neglected, lied to, manipulated, hit… not getting any of your needs met
DID YOU…?….
___fight with your family members over a parent’s drinking
___your parents make promises to you & then not keep them
___lose sleep at night due to a parent’s drinking
___take on some of the jobs or responsibilities belonging to your parents
___ever get sick, or worry a lot because of their drinking
___ever do anything to prevent your parent’s drinking
___always believe that no one knew your parents were drunks, when you were growing up
ARE YOU…?…
___able to recognize situation that you have no control over
___super responsible or super irresponsible
___unable to work thru crisis & conflict, or do you aggravate it
___seeing a pattern in your relationships similar to your family of origin
___unable to enjoy your successes & accomplishments
___afraid of your emotions, & afraid to express them
___unable to complement yourself
___afraid others may ‘find out’ you’re not good, or that you’re a fraud
___ashamed of or feel guilty for being who you are
___afraid of going crazy, or becoming a bag lady or bum
___uncomfortable with your life when it’s going smoothly
___unable to ask for help, or do so apologetically
___constantly seeking approval from others
___uncomfortable with being liked, admired, approved of
___always mentally looking over your shoulder to see if you’ll be punished
___out of control with: food, chemicals, work, sex, spending, exercising…
HAVE YOU…?…
___been blaming everyone else for your life’s problems
___staunchly defended your parents’ ‘innocence’ in hurting you as a kid
___had trouble following thru on projects, or never finishing
___tried to hide the fact that your parents drank a lot, beat you or others in the family, incested you or your siblings
___concerned about your mate, children, friends’…use of chemicals
___developed fantasy beliefs about how loved ones may treat you some day
___considered what ‘normal’ is, & believe you’re not
___found yourself sabotaging your success & then feeling ‘more alive’
___been loyal to others (parents, siblings, lovers, children, friends, employers) – even tho’ your loyalty was undeserved, unjustified, un-returned
___been fired more than once & never really understood why
___* learned to have dialogues with your ‘inner child’, & consistently take care of yourself in loving ways ?
♥                            ♥                            ♥
IF you’re even taking this test, it’s likely you come from a damaged, angry, abusive, traumatic, neglected, unhappy background
TOTALS:   ____Yes   ____ No   ____ Some  ____ Don’t Know
IF you answered YES to:
✶ 10-20, you’re either not an ACoA, in denial or in long term recovery
✶ 20-30, you’re a co-dependent, even if there was no alcoholism in the family
✶ 30 or more, you’re definitely an ACoA (adult-child of alcoholics and other narcissists), which includes mentally ill &/or narcissistic family members

• If you said NO to Qs in the ‘DID YOU…’ section, but still scored high, there may be alcoholism/ drug addiction in some other part of your family, even if you didn’t experience it directly
• You may also be an active addict, yourself – alcohol/ drugs, food, money, sex, relationships…
• If you are not yet in Recovery from your childhood trauma & present day difficulties, you can seek out 12-step Programs. THEY’RE BASICALLY FREE, & are available on the internet & by phone, for anyone not able to get to these meeting in person.  See pg 55 for some of the 12-step groups.
• Also, there are many recovery books, site, blogs & of course therapy, with someone very familiar with ACoA / addiction issues.
✶  If you are in Recovery, keep up the good fight. It pays off! I know because I’ve been at it for 35 yrs, & it works.

Go to SITE MAP for info covering issues in this questionnaire: http://http://www.acoarecovery.com

BOUNDARIES & ACoAs (Part 2)

 

I DO THE BEST I CAN -
why does love always hurt me?

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Bs (Part 1)

2. ACoAs (cont)
c. Some Consequences
i.  FAILURE: No matter how badly we were treated or how angry we were about it, like all children – we were/are deeply attached to our parents & did not want to injure them. The told us their unhappiness was our fault (‘Parental Blame’) – so we turned ourselves inside out in a desperate attempt to protect them – but it never worked. We were a ‘failure’ at fixing their pain, because what they objected to (in us) was:
– normal behavior for a child, with our many developmental needs & limitations
– a reaction to us from their unhealed damage (buttons) which never had anything to do with us

EXP: One young mother would snap at her 8-year-old whenever Katie came home from school excited by a newly learned piece of info: “Mom, mom, did you know that ________?”  to which the wounded ACoA parent would say with great annoyance: “Of course I know that!” instead of being proud of her daughter. What she ‘heard’ was that her intelligence was being questioned, which came from being constantly put down by her mother!

ii. RISK: We developed a fear of taking any kind of risk, because it wasn’t safe to be ourselves in our family, where it should have been. How could we expect it to be safe anywhere else, with strangers? This is unconsciously expressed as a fear of ‘leaving home‘ (S & I),  so even if we physically move far away, we are internally loyal to the very system that has crippled up by staying attached to the toxic rules!  We isolate or stay & stay in harmful places, with unavailable or abusive people, don’t follow our dreams, or if we try – stop short of reaching our goals….

iii. INTENSE: Given the message that we were too much for them, our child’s grandiosity made us conclude that we were ‘negatively powerful’ – that if we were so detrimental to our family, we would naturally hurt everyone else in the world too – making us afraid to let anyone get too close to us as adults
✶ALSO,  it left many of us with the deep-seated belief that it would be better if we were dead – it would spare our family the suffering we seemed to be causing but couldn’t change!

d. No Boundaries – No Choices
Un-recovered ACoAs, even those of us who see ourselves as strong, smart, adventurous…. act like victims when we don’t have the right to choose who we connect with & who we leave behind!

Without Bs we fall into the co-dependent trap, because:
• we’re so afraid of having to face our abandonment pain, AND our S-H says no one can possibly love us — what a double bind! So when someone ‘wants’ us – our WIC is so relieved – that we accept them, even tho they’re totally self-centered & are just using us as their narcissistic supply. Often some deep part of us knows they are unsuitable, it won’t work out  & we may not even really like them!

• we convince ourselves to stay because they have some characteristics we find appealing, even similar to ourselves – even tho it’s not nearly enough to offset the enormity of their dysfunction (addictions, depression, self-hate, immaturity, narcissism, controlling, cruelty…)
• we’re afraid to reject anyone, worry about hurting their feelings, identify with their pain… instead of honoring ourselves (we identify too much with their WIC, while ignoring our own!)
• we focus on fulfilling their needs, wants and demands, so they won’t get upset & shut us out – while most of ours go unfulfilled…..

Some Consequences of weak or missing Boundaries
To US — get used by them
– overwhelmed by their damage
– get burned out & exhausted
– eventually get enraged & attack
– bitter & disappointed with ‘love’

In OTHERS
– get bored with us or never let go
– criticize us for not being perfect
– take as much as they can
– unaware of our needs & hurt
– blame us for their weaknesses

NEXT: Part 3 – The Symbiotic Conflict

BOUNDARIES & ACoAs (Part 1)

 

I HATE YOU – DON’T LEAVE ME!
I need you but you’re too close – I can’t breathe

PREVIOUS: Bs – Healthy Source (Part 2)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

1. Normal Development – Stable Core (previous 2 posts)

2. ACoAs
Unfortunately, ACoAs did not originally have that all-important stable core to rely on growing up & so were not able to form our own, because of:
• being overstimulated by chaos, emotional volatility & conflict
• being over-controlled, expected to be perfect, judged harshly
• not having role models for self-esteem & appropriate Bs
• not being loved & supported unconditionally

a. Wounded Adults
• Un-recovered PARENTS are symbiotically enmeshed with their children, to cover their own FoA – ie. both the adults & the kids have similar immature mental drama & temperamental intensity, so they overlap each other, which is emotionally abandoning & terrifying for the children

• These parents are coming from their WIC* ego state, so have:
– weak or no Adult & missing Loving Parent aspects
– weak or rigid boundaries, overlapping child’s feelings, as if the child were an extension of themselves
– a narrow range of emotions available, w/ few nuances
– the focus on their addictions, bad relationships, financial worries, depression, mental illness, relatives, sickness ….
– often changed the rules arbitrarily or made them unreachable, so no matter how hard we tried to obey, it was inevitably going to be wrong – & then got attacked & punished! We could ‘never win’.

✶ This kept us off-balance so we wouldn’t become independent (& leave them), which requires being sure of oneself

Al-Anon visual: the alcoholic has their arms around the bottle & the co-dependent has their arms around the alcoholic!  — The children are just pawns to be used & burdens to be neglected, in ‘Games Alcoholics Play’

b. Limiting our Emotions
• In this atmosphere, one or both parents limit or repress the type of emotional responses allowed the children, who are expected to act like adults, both mentally & emotionally, long before maturation. ACoAs were blamed for not behaving ‘right’,  even thought we were not experienced yet in social etiquette or subtleties, didn’t have enough motor co-ordination, weren’t old enough to actually act a certain way….

EXP: Beth is a pretty little girl who has grown up in church. On this occasion her mother is at the dais addressing a group of ladies.  Beth has been left all alone in the front pew & expected to sit for 2 hours like a perfectly groomed doll. But she’s s normal 5-year-old – bored, lonely & fidgeting. Her mother is annoyed at her child’s ‘misbehavior’ which will affect what the women will think of her as parent & leader.
She gives Beth ‘the look‘, who immediately freezes – she’s terrified, knowing the dire consequences of displeasing, but quick obedience saves her this time. For years afterward her mother proudly likes to tell how the group complemented her on having such a well-behaved child – without the mother or any of them having a clue about the intense fear that generated it!

• We learned very early that our emotions & behavior had global impact – they effected the ‘gods’ badly. Our parents let us know in various ways that we harmed them just by being ourselves (kids)
EXP: A mother repeatedly remarked to daughter – “You’ll be the death of me yet!”

• Many ACoAs experiences being emotionally blackmailed. Our parents’ lack of boundaries made it easy for them to:
– treat us the same way they had been – the ‘kick the dog syndrome’, ie. passing on their rage at their parents neglect & abuse
– project their self-hate onto us – they couldn’t face that they were considered ‘bad’ children’ so they made us bad instead – to preserve their fragile egos

EXP: An artistic teen from the Mid-western often created amazing & unusual object in his basement or school workshops. But they were too far out by blue-collar ‘standards’. Instead of giving praise – the reaction from his philistine father was: “Now I’ve seen everything!” in disgust & then a smirk (double message) – which left the boy hurt & very confused.

NEXT: ACoAs & Bs (Part 2)

SELF-HATE & ACoAs (Part 1)

 

I’M NO GOOD & EVERYONE KNOWS IT
so I have to be perfect to make up for it

PREVIOUS: Rebellion vs COMPLIANCE

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

SELF-HATE is the #1 deterrent to growth for all ACoAs. It undermines our ability to function well, to have self-esteem & to be happy. Some people call it being ‘hard on yourself”, but it’s much more than that.  It’s so pervasive in the inner world of many ACoAs, that we don’t even know we have it & if confronted, vehemently deny it. BUT the symptoms are all there, starting with a persistent nagging anxiety.

DEFINITION
✶ In Childhood: being thoroughly convinced that everything bad that happen to us as kids was our fault, that we caused our own pain!
✶ In Adulthood: continuing from the past, we believe in our very cells that anytime we feel hurt, suffer a loss, get ignored, can’t get something we want, have something taken away, have to wait for something … that it’s because we are bad, don’t deserve, did something wrong , failed to do something, don’t have a right to it – anyway …

REALITY
• ALL self-hate is a LIE
✶  it’s a defense mechanism to deny our feelings of abandonment. This a crucial point: S-H is tries to cover-up all our abandonment pain
• it’s a form of narcissism (ours) – making everything about US, when it rarely is.  We make other people’s bad behavior our fault & our responsibility
• it’s an attempt at feeling powerful, to cover our intense sense of powerlessness & vulnerability
• S-H can be expressed in all 3 T.E.A. categories:
Ts: “I caused their accident, because I asked them to come visit me”
Es: “I feel bad & really scared they won’t like me because I spoke up”
As: staying with abusive people, not taking care of ourselves, not pursuing our dreams, not speaking up….

ESSENCE
One of the characteristics on the ACoA Laundry List is being Over-Responsible, a symptom of FoA & S-H. What make S-H different from taking healthy, balanced Responsibility?
R.  is to acknowledge the reality of having our T. E & As – or not. It’s straightforwardly owning up, which by itself would sound like: “Yes, I did that” (A), or ‘No, I can’t handle this” (A), or “No, I don’t agree with that”(T) , or “Yes, I love this” (E), etc.
S-H, on the other hand -
• can prevent us from admitting to any flaws, for fear of abandonment & because of feeling shame, OR
•  it can make us confess to wrongdoing even when we are in fact blameless.

In either case, what’s underneath is an unspoken Toxic Lie which is tacked on to legitimate responsibility, which categorically states:
➼ “I did / didn’t….and THEREFORE I’m Bad!”, no matter what the issue
ACoAs will take any opportunity to beat themselves up, even about good things! EXP:
“Yes, I did forget to sent the letter out today, & therefore I’m bad”
“No, I can’t do that for you, so therefore I’m bad”
“Yes, I went to the show without asking you, so therefore I’m bad”
“No, I haven’t ‘grown’ perfectly or as fast as I should & therefore I’m bad”… etc.    This is NOT what ‘taking responsibility’ means.

SOURCE
a. In Childhood:
i. Being abused, abandoned, mistreated, neglected by our parents & other caretakers. ✶ To any small child, parents are experienced as all-powerful gods. Gods are supposed to take care of us & only punish for good cause or to teach lessons, SO when we’re continually hurt by these gods we concluded that we somehow deserved it!

They let us know we were “unacceptable, stupid, weak, selfish, ugly, ungrateful, unlovable, lazy, a pain in the a@@, good for nothing”…..
We clearly got these messages:
• INDIRECTLY, by all the ways they did not patiently, lovingly nurture & take care of us, guide, listen, mirror, be good role models…
• DIRECTLY, by saying things like : “You’ll be the death of me yet” “Why did I have to have a kid like you?”, “No one’s ever going to love you”,  “You’ll never amount to anything” “Kids always lie”….

ii. OUR OWN child-centered point of view: all kids think the whole world revolves around them & have the universal power to make everything happen – good, bad or indifferent.  Therefore, when bad things happen to us at home, or anyone else in the group (like our parents getting divorced), we must have caused it / been somehow responsible. In a child’s ‘logic’,
• If WE were bad, then of course our suffering / punishment / verbal abuse…. would fit. RESULT: we would work even harder to win back their good graces, or just give up & BE bad.
• BUT if we tried really hard to be good and still felt tortured – then we concluded it was our very essence that was at fault! RESULT: there was nothing we could do to fix that, which would end in depression or intense rage.

EXP: A young woman was in ACoA group therapy. She was a very intelligent lawyer, somewhat stiff & all logic, but she knew she was sitting on a lot of rage at her repressive parents, who lived in another state. She admitted she was terrified to express those feelings out loud in the group, & never did, because her WIC was convinced letting that rage out would literally kill them – at a distance.

NEXT: SELF-HATE & ACoAs (Part 2)

How ACoAs ABANDON OTHERS (Part 1)

 

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE,
BUT I can only see my own point of view!

Previous: What to do when confused

ACoAs are usually focused on how much they got abandoned, without realizing they are just as prone to abandoning others.
This is not a surprise, since we all copy what we learned in childhood. We treat ourselves & others the way we were treated & the way we saw the adults treat each other.
➼ Each of these patterns derives from a combination of :
• Our original role models
• Our own native personality, governing the type of defenses we choose
BTW – even tho’ we can’t technically abandon another adult, the term is
being used here to express the emotional experience of ‘not being
there’ for someone

1. CONTROL
• Putting severe limits on what someone can & cannot do when they’re with us (what they can talk about, what emotions they can express…)
• Constantly telling someone how they should live their life or how they should be doing something (whether they asked or not)
a. CAUSE:
• ALL controlling behavior is an outward manifestation of our disowned fear that has accumulated from childhood into the present
• we try to control (micro-manage) everything & everyone around us so we don’t have to feel vulnerable, as we did in our unsafe & chaotic family, & later in bad jobs & bad relationships
• it’s a defense mechanism designed to make the world feel predictable & us feel powerful, by making everything exactly the way we want – SAFE.  As long as we refuse to or cannot deal with the underlying cause of this compulsion (& being controlling IS compulsive, because it’s fueled by intense anxiety) we won’t be able to stop doing it.

b. EFFECT:
Regardless of the underlying reasons, this pattern is:
• disrespectful to others!  We’re saying, consciously or not, that we don’t care about the effect our controlling has on the other person – we trample on the needs &/or wishes of others to preserve ourselves. Only our needs matter!  If we did care, we’d think twice about continuing
• insulting. We’re saying they are too incompetent, weak & stupid to make their own choices & figure things out for themselves
• arrogant. We’re saying we know better than everyone else, about everything,  AND have the right to make others do what we want.
✶ Of course, trying to be in control of others instead of ourselves – never works. Not only does it not alleviate the underlying terror, but makes others withdraw, be resentful & angry at us, which makes us feel even more unsafe & alone.

c. HEALTHY:
• be willing to deal with our own damage, our accumulated pain & toxic patterns
• acknowledge that each person has their own way of doing things & the right to make their own mistakes. We are NOT their Higher Power!
• ASK, ASK, ASK: what someone wants, what they need, how they feel, what works for them, what their taste is… We do not have to supply any of it IF we can’t, don’t want to or it’s not appropriate. Just become aware that others are separate from us, & that’s not bad – their differences do not negate who we are!

2. IGNORING
The pattern of NOT HEARING what someone is telling us about themselves, their needs, their tastes, their point of view, present availability….BY
• doing the opposite of, or unrelated to, what is asked of us
• twisting what they say, against them or using it later to zing them
• saying something, in return, that has nothing actually to do with what they are talking about (we’re responding from some inner thought process that may or may not relate to them)
• pretending to listen, on the outside, while inside our attention is elsewhere – wandering, worried, in a rage … (not being present)
• going into a panic state, internally, & just blanking out
always & only talking/thinking about ourselves, so we can’t connect with the other person
• pretending to be involved in a conversation, even talking, BUT later can’t remember what either of us said
• accusing them of ignoring us when we want attention – even though we were told OR already know – that they’re not available at this particular time

a. CAUSE:
• copying what was done to us by our family
• overwhelmed by a jumble of painful emotions (anxiety, rage, terror, self-hate…) without being able to sort them out, or own the reasons for them
• not having a stable inner core (one’s true SELF), so afraid we’ll get swallowed up by the other person if we let ourselves connect
• desperately trying to hang on to our own thoughts & emotions, so can’t hear anyone else’s (weak boundaries)
b. EFFECT:
• severely limits positive input, by only focusing on our own point of view, and assuming no one is interested in ours anyway
• believe others will want too much of us if we really pay attention
• lose out on the benefits others may have to offer (friendship, knowledge, respect…)
• stay impoverished, emotionally & practically
• unable to express our true self, & give the world of our abilities & talents
c. HEALTHY:
• gain healthy boundaries
• process enough old pain to lower anxiety levels
• diminish self-hate by accepting that the abuse & neglect was NOT our fault

NEXT: How ACoAs abandon others (2a)