Backlash of Over-Control (Part 2)

 

THE MORE I CONTROL MYSELF -
the more I can get over on others!

Previous: Aggression, Over-Taxing & Regrets

REMINDER: Go to Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

Some CONSEQUENCES, cont.
4. Over-Control (O-C) & Manipulation
More is not always better when it comes to self-control. It’s hard for ACoAs to believe that vulnerability is not a weakness, but really a virtue. Of course, vulnerability without boundaries is foolish. But here it refers to a defense mechanism becoming self-destructive when over-used
a. Rigidity: In most people, O-C tends to kill the joy of life, robbing ourselves of spontaneity & fun. This self-imposed caution can make us unhappy & unpleasant to be around
b. Secret agenda — But for an ‘elite’ group, O-C is used for an ulterior motive. They’re the smooth operators, skillful in the art of deception & manipulation: the charlatans, con artists, under-cover agents and some politicians, religious leaders, judges, lawyers, teachers and pillars of society.  They will to go to any length to maintain their façade, no matter the cost to themselves, their family or anyone else.
For them:
– self-control is simply one of the tools they use to maintain a positive public image, to not blow the cover on their actual abusive identity
– every action is measured and always proper for the occasion. Every word is carefully selected & they seldom reveal their emotions
✶ O-C makes them feel safe, superior. They’re so numb to their deeply hidden inner pain that they’re not bothered by the harm they do

ACoAs: Ironically – while many of us who are caught up in O-C believe we are total victims & would never think of ourselves as con-artists, we are if fact being manipulative & dishonest without meaning to be .  We hide behind our own special mask (a role, a defense mechanism, a character disorder….) to keep anyone from seeing what we’re convinced is the real us – weak, worthless & despicable! – which is only the WIC’s toxic belief, NOT our True Self.

5. Self-Control & Prejudice
A study from Tufts University showed that effortful self-control can sometimes cause emotional unease and guarded behavior, which could be misinterpreted as racial prejudice in some circumstances.
TEST:
• Researchers ran 2 group of white volunteers through a series of computer-based mental exercises. One group’s set was so challenging that people were temporarily depleted of the mental reserves needed for discipline, while the other group was given a less stressful set.
• Once the subjects were finished they met with either a white or black interviewer & discussed racial diversity, a social situation with the potential for racial tension. Later subjects rated the interaction with the interviewer for comfort, awkwardness & enjoyment.
FINDINGS:
• Those who were mentally depleted (lacking discipline and self-control)  talked about race with a black interviewer more enjoyably (than those with their self-control intact), presumably because they weren’t working as hard to monitor or curb what they said
• Also, independent black observers found that the powerless & therefore less inhibited whites were much more direct, real & less prejudiced in their conversations
✶ CONCLUSION: Relinquishing power over oneself (temporarily) seems to prevent over-thinking and thus ‘liberate’ people to be more authentic, which could benefit both individuals & society

ACoAs: Of course this study does not imply it’s ok to be unruly or a doormat as a result of lowered inhibitions. It’s about “Letting Go” of anxiety, looking good, projecting failure, fear of disapproval, trying to be seen, heard, accepted …. but just being open-hearted & in the moment. Then we can enjoy ourselves, be respectful & put others at ease

6. Over-control & Greed  
A. Empathy Reaction – A Yale University study suggests that too much self-control not only wears us down, but even picturing other people’s S-C can be too much to handle.
• Researchers taunted subjects with the story of a waiter surrounded by gourmet food he was not allowed to taste. Some subjects were encouraged to go beyond polite listening to actually imagine this scene & have real empathy with his situation. Later everyone was shown pictures of expensive items. Those who had put themselves in the shoes of the waiter had ‘suffered’ all the same S-C as he had (vicariously experienced his deprivation) – and they wanted the bling & other fancy stuff they saw, no matter the price.
STUDY Conclusion:
Apparently it’s our fundamental human nature to be out of control (the “id”), so imagining anyone depriving themselves can unconsciously affect us, eventually bringing out the greedy beast in us all!

ACoAs: This result may also be a reaction of empathy for another person’s discomfort. Most ACoAs are acutely sensitive to the suffering of others, having been powerless to alleviate it in our parents & siblings. This quality is admirable except for the fact that we DO NOT apply it to  ourselves.
– Having NOT had enough of our needs met as kids, the more we deprive ourselves now, the needier & thus greedier we become as adults.  We try to fill the ‘hole’ with addiction to people & possessions, behaviors easily triggered by the endless possible choices in our society which can lead us to being over-spenders &/or hoarders.

B. Mimicking Behavior
On the other hand, appropriate S-C can be learned & improved.  U of Georgia did 5 separate studied on the issue of over- vs under-indulgence & found that healthy Self-control is contagious.   EXP: Subjects who thought about a friend with good S-C persisted longer on a hand-grip task commonly used to measure this behavior, while the reverse held true for those who were asked to think about a friend with no restraint.
CONCLUSION:
People tend to mimic the behavior of those around them, so bad habits can spread though social contact. Therefore choosing positive company to hang out with can improve your S-C. “…and by exhibiting self-control, you’re helping others around you do the same.”,  says lead author Michelle vanDellen, psychology professor at the U of G.

ACoAs:  We are so used to staying attached to people who have similar or worse life-styles than those we grew up with – that we continually reinforce our negative attitudes & habits.  This is not helpful or necessary! 12-Step Programs tell us to “Stick with the winners”. This reminds us that one way we really can grow healthier is by choosing our work & personal environments with care!

NEXT: Getting Controlled by Others

OVER-Controlling Ourselves (Part 4)

“ALWAYS THE BRIDES MAID -
never the bride!”

Previous: Over-Controlling Ourselves, Part 2

Review: All the post about Toxic Family Roles

CONSEQUENCES of OVER-CONTROL
Always the Outsider – it’s ironic that even when attending 12-step meeting of ‘like-minded’ people, we still feel like we don’t belong!  When we’re emotionally over-controlled (EOC) –
• it keeps a wall between us & others, especially those who already have a genuine capacity to ‘see’ and accept us
• we gravitate toward ‘people, places & things’ which simply don’t suit our needs, our personality or our goals. We stay even when we’re angry & unhappy with them – insuring that we don’t fit in or feel a part of things
• we often don’t stay long enough or go deep enough with others to let them get to know us & show the good things they’re capable of providing
• we do & say inappropriate or obnoxious things that are likely to put people off & make them withdraw from us, especially if things are going too well for too long (like a week or a month!)

Envy & Jealousy – emotions considered ‘negative’ that have to be O-C
Envy is about 2 people : “I envy you for having such great hair, having an advanced degree….”, ie. wanting what we don’t have, while –
Jealousy involves 3 or more : “I’m jealous that he has so many friends”, ie. wanting a relationship someone else has, OR
“She pays more attention to her friends than to me”, ie. trying to hang on to someone or something we don’t want to lose.
BOTH emotions come from feeling powerless to get what we want & need in life, not necessarily what the others have, exactly – just that they have something good, & we don’t.

• We may deny being EOC, yet often covet what others are or have. What gives us away is the rage we feel at certain kinds of people or situations! We say ‘those people’ are ‘entitled’, with a sneer in our voice because:
– we think they’re unfairly lucky – having a family, a decent relationship, a good job, lots of friends… & hate them for what we don’t have permission to get for ourselves
– or, we call them brats, selfish, arrogant …. because they don’t hold back the way we do. Perhaps they are, and/or we just wish we had some of that confidence & permission to do & say what we’ve always wanted to, but aren’t allowed!
And this kind of ACoA deprivation is always about the BIG A – abandonment – family taught us we couldn’t have, so we won’t let ourselves. The WIC says it’s so-o unfair, but we refuse to admit that now we are perpetuating the original A/A!

Feeling Unsupported – by staying EOC, we are always suspicious of anyone wanting to be kind, encouraging & helpful, so that:
• we isolate ourselves from the mainstream of society, which keeps us from finding out what kind of support systems are available to us, OR refuse to make use of them when we do know
• we unconsciously prevents ourselves from attracting people who have the capacity to be nurturing &/or nourishing, instead – choosing or letting ourselves be chosen by narcissists & abusers, wolves that are sometimes disguised in sheep’s clothing
• we reject legitimate offers of nurturing or help & find it painful when we’re complemented or lauded. This is predictable as long as the WIC is allowed to make our relationship choices – which will inevitably duplicate our family

Illusion – Experiencing great disappointment in our parents when we were too young to handle it & being in constant emotional pain made it imperative for many of us to create an inner world of fantasy about having an ideal life, with a loving family & never any disappointments!
• As adults this fantasy life can turn INTO various illusions, such as:
– looking for the ideal partner, friend, teacher, boss…. so that we’ll finally feel safe & get our needs met. Anyone less than that brings up all our terror. When we are inevitably disappointed, we get angry that they don’t live up to our expectations – leaving us feeling hopeless!   ALSO,

– being convinced everyone else has the happy life we don’t, even people on the street we’ve never met, especially if we see them with a partner, children, clothes, cars…. that we wish we had. We know how bad we feel inside, and think everyone actually can see how worthless we are – & we think that’s why they stay away from us. So we look at the glossy surface appearance of others & assume that’s the whole story, O-C (repressing) our ability to see ourselves & others as having several dimensions
• ACoAs think this way because:
– our media & culture pushes surface images as reality, when they’re not
– emotionally we’re in child-mode, & little kids are very literal, concrete (what you see is what you get)
– our family taught us to deny & ignore what’s inside – the deeper truths, whether emotional, mental or spiritual. What counted to them was how good everything looked to the outside world. The facade was all-important, and became the only possibility we were allowed to see.

NEXT: Over-controlling Ourselves (Part 5)

OVER-Controlling Ourselves (Part 1)

 

THE BAD PARENT -
doesn’t want me to outgrow it

Previous:  Types of Self-Control (Part 4)

ARTICLE: “8 Styles of Controlling Parents”, & while on that site, click on ‘Statistics’!

AS CHILDREN
Normal / Healthy: since children are not born with boundaries it’s a parent’s job to help them learn self-control (S-C), which is about setting limits with oneself, but forming it is a long process. S-C which is linked very closely to:
• how children feels about themselves, which comes from unconditional love, stability & guidance
• being taught how to deal with everyday frustrations & practicing those skills by making their own choices and decisions, when appropriate

To DEVELOP healthy S-C people need 2 perceptual faculties :
a. the ability to estimate time, in order to make decisions based on immediate as well as future outcomes. Young children cannot do this because they live completely ‘in the present’, so it’s not rational to expect them to have the same S-C as older kids & adults
b. the ability to direct attention away from a current event. This allows people to take time to evaluate situations, in order to make better decisions & weigh the consequences of their choices. Altho young children’s attention can be easily distracted, they aren’t able to consider alternatives or potential outcomes, so it’s inappropriate to demand it of them

• Children do best when discipline given with consistent, age-appropriate expectations & realistic consequences, but without constant punishment or power-conflicts with parents.  They need the security of knowing the rules and limits of behavior – without which they feel uncared for & at a loss. The healthy goal is to guide & nurture them so they feel supported and valued, rather than judged and rejected.

Alcoholic PARENTING extremes
As kids, in most cases, we had to be totally obedient to survive & later to fit in – first with parents, then in school, religious community & work.

OVER: Most of us were given too many rules, assumed to be ‘little adults’, demanded that we be competent & self-sufficient way beyond our years. We were bullied & manipulated into being compliant on pain of suffering & death. There was no fairness, or leeway for our individuality. We submitted – or else.  This created great anxiety, knowing we couldn’t fulfill their spoken & implied expectations, but desperately trying to please.  For some of us the rules kept changing, arbitrarily. For others they were rigid & unrealistic. For all of us, no matter what we did, it was never good enough! Eventually we either rebelled or caved.

UNDER: Others of us received little or no guidance – left too much on our own, so that we basically raised ourselves, also creating great anxiety
– without being taught to pay attention to other people
– leaving us with no respect for -or- need to obey authority
– no sense of boundaries, limits, discipline or self-trust
– not knowing what was expected of us or how to function in the world.
This may seem heavenly – to a teen – but a child without rules or expectations not only is being severely neglected at that time – but can suffer from lack of motivation & direction for years to come!

EITHER WAY – we were deprived of the opportunity to learn healthy self-control – which requires a SELF to implement!
The only thing we could do was to over-control ourselves – that is, to hide our true emotions, needs,  even our intelligence, competence & talents – unless those gifts were needed to take care of our sick, abusive, depressed & crazy parents &/or siblings – but never meant for ourselves!

DEF: Over-controlling (O-C) ourselves is not so much about our actions – altho it also effects them as a consequence – but mainly means to reject our emotions, needs & observations to such an extent that we go thru life in a state of constant ‘undernourishment’ & bewilderment. Our rejected parts then become our shadow side, which we’re terrified to face.
• Instead we are run by a False Self (FS), a protective identity formed so early that we actually think it’s the real us. It’s made up of various aspects of the WIC (scared, angry, apathetic, suicidal…) & the PP disguised as a ‘guardian’ in the form of a know-it-all goad with a cattle-prod. The FS is comfort-seeking & therefore short-sighted, making unwise, unhealthy decisions – a kindergartener trying to do college level work.

• Peter K. Gerlach, MSW, writes that unhealthy will-power occurs when a person is controlled by a fierce Guardian hardened into possible sub-selves such as Addict, Zealot, Fanatic, Perfectionist, Preacher, Survivor, Martyr…. Its determination to protect the WIC at all costs can cause rigid self-discipline toxic to the host person & others. For example, the talented Magician sub-self can distort reality to justify or excuse self-destructive attitudes & behavior patterns.
– Of course some ACoAs react to the controlling inner voice by doing very little with our life – from confusion & terror OR nothing positive – from misdirected rage.
Over all – these limiting sub-personae cause intense shame, guilt, fears, reality distortions (CDs) & trust imbalances, resulting in difficulty with emotions & bonding to others.

Being Over-Controlled is NOT related to being Introvert or Extrovert, which are inborn, but rather is about ignoring qualities (being intuitive, intelligent, perceptive, outspoken…) we all share that were unacceptable to our family, & would have made our lives even more miserable if we hadn’t suppressed them – altho some of us could not hide them well enough to escape being attacked.

EXP: A perceptive & bright daughter was a threat to her incestuous father because she wouldn’t be easy to silence if he molested her. So instead he turned her into the family scapegoat, verbally & physically beating her.  This succeeded in convinced her that she was stupid & unable to trust her observations & intuition. Even tho she resented him, she still gave him the benefit of the doubt & spent much of her life hopelessly trying to win his approval!

NEXT: O-C Ourselves – Part 2