Relationship FORM A. (Part 1)

 

RELATIONSHIPS ARE SUCH A PAIN!
I’m always dealing with some c—-p!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Time (Part 3)

FORM A: “IF I WERE TO LET YOU…”

ABOUT: ACoAs did not have good examples, growing up, of how to communicate clearly, directly & honestly.
• We learned to be afraid and ashamed to say what we really mean, how we feel emotionally & what we want or need. So it takes a lot of:
– practice to know what we are thinking, by listening to ourselves & writing down our inner reactions to every aspect of our life
– courage to admit & be able to verbalize our emotions, not just a few, like anxiety or annoyance, but a whole range of feelings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF I WERE TO LET YOU  (As)  __________________________
I WOULD FEEL (Es) ________________________________
& I’M AFRAID of THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE (Ts) ___________
_______________________________________________
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM____________________________
BY (As & words) ____________________________________
even thought I’ll still end up angry & resentful (Es),  because that’s
LESS SCARY than having to experience or:
a. FEEL (Es) _______________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH (As & Ts) _____________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHO
• You’ll need to know about T.E.A. – what your thoughts, emotions & actions are, to fill it in accurately. This is NOT about blame!
• For it to be the most helpful, both people must be able & willing to be emotionally & mentally honest – which is not always possible
• IF YOU are dealing with someone who is emotionally closed off, hostile, defensive &/or uninterested – you may still choose to show them the filled-in form, but be clear that you will NOT get what you want

WHAT: This is a standard form for 2 people in any kind of personal relationship – friends, lovers, mates, siblings… A starting point, only!
• ✶ It is specifically about a possible/ probable future action of the person you’re dealing with – and your reaction to that possibility
• It does not offer a correction, or shift in perspective, or a recovery way of responding. That has to be added
• Part 1 & 2 give examples of how to use it.  Keep several blank copies handy, for when one of you is bugged about something

EXP 1:
IF I WERE TO LET YOU – go to the party without me
I WOULD FEEL – lost & alone
I’M AFRAID OF THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE – you’ll find someone else who’ll be more interesting & attractive to you
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM – going
BY – making you feel guilty / starting a fight / whining / getting sick ….
EVEN THO’ I END UP FEELING ANGRY & RESENTFUL, BECAUSE IT’S LESS SCARY THAN HAVING TO FEEL – unwanted
& DEAL WITH -  the possibility of loosing you, which feels unbearable

THEN: Once you’ve filled it out you will want the other person to read & respond. However, that may not always happen. If you’re with someone who is unwilling to cooperate, that is a clear signal for you to evaluate the relationship.
However, if the other person has read it, wait to see what the response is. It may not be a new problem between you. DO THEY?:
– respond thoughtfully, kindly – without being defensive
– insult, belittle, yell, justify
– try to placate you from people-pleasing
– decide to stay home so you won’t be mad at them? …..

WAYS to COPE, no matter the outcome
Re. YOU:
• Take a moment out for yourself -  Give the kid a hug & say: “You’ll be OK, I’m here, you’re never alone.”
• Consider if you scary thinking about what might happen is valid or not.  Are you ‘catastrophizing’, or basing it on experience & intuition?  If it’s simply your WIC reacting again, take the time to deal with him/her in a loving way.
• If you need help, call someone else (appropriate) to share your distress with, rather than creating drama. Go to a Meeting. Read some comforting or spiritual material to help with the FoA. Go to a movie or to a friend’s place.

Re THEM:
• If you can , acknowledge to the other person your FoA (fear of abandonment) & simply state that you will feel sad & alone if they go without you. They may not be able or willing to take you along, no matter how you feel. That is their right.
• If you are invited – but NOT our of co-dependence or guilt, then go & enjoy. If not, make an alternate plan, to do something you’ll like, on your own or with friends. Always have plan B

• IF you know you’re not just being jealous, & your concern is based on
– past experience or things the other person has said (threaten to leave, insensitive to your feelings…)
– you’ve had a nagging feeling or the ‘ich’ factor about them for a while, but you’ve been in denial….
…. then your FoA (they’ll find someone else) may be realistic. Consider this minor issue as a signal that something deeper is wrong – that they may not safe or suitable for you, at all! You could start looking around – yourself.  Remember: “I know what I know”!

NEXT: Form A. (Part 2) Another example

People Should Treat Me Better – But I Won’t Let Them

 

ACoA DOUBLE BINDS  -
Either way we lose ourselves, to stay loyal to the family

PREVIOUS: “What others think of me is None of my Business”

READ about Double binds at http://www.acoarecovery.com, pg. 10.

ACoAs have a terrible dilemma :
1. On the one hand we desperately want to be loved, acknowledged, seen, heard. We complain bitterly for years that we have to chase people down, do all the work in relationships, friends don’t come thru for us, we’re too isolated, hate being lonely, we can’t trust anyone…
You know what kids used to say: ”No one loves me, everyone hates me,  I’m going to eat worms & die!” (See Toxic Rules)

Because we’re not allowed to be loved, comfortable and comforted, happy, thriving… we chase after those few who don’t want us at all, &/or are unavailable in some way, even if there was an initial attraction.  They let us know in a 1000 ways they’re not really able to connect (because of their self-hate & fear of intimacy) – but we don’t want to deal with that info, even when we hear it!

✶ The real reason for chasing the ‘impossible dream’ is that these unavailables are parent substitutes.  Our parents gave us the message we were too much trouble, not worth bothering with, in their way, messy, greedy, unruly pain in the a–es.  We couldn’t live with that. We had to figure out a way to win them over, to love us, if only we knew how to fix ourselves & them.  BUT we never did.

✶ So now, with the current unavailables – this time we’ll get them, this time we’ll win – if only we’re perfect & persistent enough. OY!  (“Perfectionism”, pg. 21, from site map)

2. On the other hand, we’re terrified of getting too much attention, are 
uncomfortable with compliments, don’t want to ‘put anyone out’, can’t accept being given to. We think (conscious or unconscious):
a. I don’t deserve good things. After all, my family wasn’t that nice to me & they knew me best. So, when anyone gets to know me they’ll be disgusted & leave.
b. If someone likes me they’re stupid, weak, needy (no one I’d want to be with) because they’re too dumb to know I’m not worth liking

c. OR they’re conning me, being polite, people-pleasing – & then just when I start enjoying things they’ll leave or want something I don’t have.  Sooner or later the real them will show up & I’ll be disappointed – again
d. I don’t want to owe anyone – no one gives anything for free, everyone has an agenda…
e. If I admit I want to be liked & given to, then I’m the weak one & that 
disgusts me. I’d rather be alone than be that vulnerable

f. People are just trying to control me by being nice, so they can get what they want, & make me do things their way… 
  ACoAs will jump back & forth between opposites – BUT only Negative ones –
✶ either be too alone or chase people who aren’t interested / abuse them
✶ isolate for years or stay way too long with the wrong people
✶ keep hurting themselves & then find some addiction (not always a chemical) to dull the pain
✶ hate themselves for being too much or for not being enough
✶ act out Victim Role or act out Perpetrator role (aggressor, abuser) ….

WHY WE STAY IN THE OLD PATTERN (even IF we know better)
✶  Loyalty to the family & it’s system (still think we need them)
✶ Don’t want to disobey the Toxic rules : they represent our connection to home AND we don’t want to be punished AND if we obey them, the family will love / accept us
✶ MOST OF ALL : we don’t want to ‘get depressed’ ie. feel all that pain (sad, lonely, terror, hopeless, rage, powerless… ) of our parents not loving us the way we needed. We knew the truth back then but it was too much to bear & we didn’t have many options, so we stuffed it down.

SO, NOW : If we give up our fantasies & illusions about the unavailables  – and walk away -  we’ll get flooded by that accumulated old pain! If we know what it is we can manage it better.  “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”

It takes quite a bit of recovery (growing a Loving Inner Parent) to be able to tolerate feeling that awful hurt! & still be ok. With enough time & the right kind of support, we can go through it KNOWING that it was NOT our fault that our family (& others) couldn’t love us, & that now it’s OK to LET LOVE IN, today & every day from now on.

NEXT: Rescuing = False Helping

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 1)

ARE WE MOVING FORWARD?
I never want to let go!

PREVIOUS:

Based on ‘The Relationship CONTINUUM’: 8 stages from Stranger to Intimacy – Please Review CHART

Communication Indicators of ATTACHMENT – This & the next 3 posts deal with verbal & psychological markers of progressive attachment or dissolution, ie. moving toward or away from intimacy.  It covers all types of one-to-one relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers, additions to family…).
➼ Each Cycle consists of INFO which is: 1. received 2. absorbed and contemplated  3. understood   4. replied to

• There are a variety of theories about how people grow together, over time, including ‘peeling the onion’ of each others’ personalities the more time we spend with them
• The NORMAL section for each set is based on the work of Mark Knapp & Anita Vangelisti (2000), from the Communication field
• For Section A there’s an additional term, in parenthesis, from the Inter-Personal Psychology field

♥ ACTS of AFFILIATION ♥
1. INITIATING (Non-existent)
a. Normal : With people we’re vaguely aware of – communications will be rote formulae: “How are you?” <> “Fine, & you?” , “What’s with this weather?” <> “Too much!”
Hallmark: interest & curiosity.  If we notice someone we want to know more about – we use polite, socially appropriate statements to show interest: “Hi my name’s George. Is this your first time here?” , “Would you like to dance?” – waiting to see how they respond.  If it’s positive, we have time to form additional first impressions & evaluate each other.  Initial interest is governed by:

• Self-concept, which includes sexual orientation, socio-economic class, race… (we rarely move toward someone ‘way out of our league’)
• Proximity – in person -  where we work, shop, live, go to school or church, MeetUps, meetings, dances… or in cyberspace, using social media, dating sites, chat rooms …
• Similarity – studies show people tend to form connections with others of similar attractiveness, interest, intelligence values….
Hallmark: interest & curiosity.

b. ACoAs -  Although some of us find it difficult to initiate conversation with strangers because of fear, many ACoAs have learned to open a dialogue in these ways, but as usual bring our own twist to it. In any group setting we unconsciously scan the room & without even realizing, will be pulled to the ONE person who is the most damaged, the least likely to be nice to or interested in, us — another ACoA & probably an addict of some type. We may not even have heard their voice – but we KNOW!
✶✶ In early recovery one young woman decided her temporary rule was: “If I like him, he’s bad for me!” As she recovered, her ‘picker’ got better.

2. EXPERIMENTING (Potential)
a. Normal: Time for small talk, presenting our public face. The focus is on light, humorous, informative conversation:  “ Did you like Thai food?” <> “I don’t know – never tried it” . “I went to France this summer” <> “Really! I’ve always wanted to go there! Tell me about it”.
• There is mutual attraction & also a desire to reduce uncertainly about one another. Telling more about oneself implies an increase in trust & we expect others to do the same so that neither will feel too vulnerable
• People use (secret) tests to check how attentive the other person is by how they respond to what we say (laugh at our jokes, respect our boundaries…).  Each has certain expectations of the other, which must be met for our interest to continue, such as: being upbeat, neatly dressed, polite, interesting ….

b. ACoAs: People give us info about themselves all the time – by their presentation, their actions & of course words — their tastes, interests, like & dislikes… and we need to PAY ATTENTION! Yes, it takes months of regular contact to get a realistic picture of the other person, but we can glean a great deal from each conversation right from the beginning. So after every encounter, always ask yourself: “What did I learn about them? How did I feel when I was with them, & afterward? Are they moving too fast? How do they handle situations?”

✶ How much are they truly reciprocating or are we the only ones sharing? If so – we can take that as a warning sign. They’re either too scared or too self-centered. If we proceed, we have to accept the consequences.  ➼ This constant evaluation is crucial for us to do at each stage, because ACoAs have such strong training & defenses against seeing others accurately.  If the WIC likes them AND they feel familiar (in some way like our family), we’ll have one of 2 reactions:

i.  be in ‘Lala Land’: we don’t want to know that they may not be an appropriate fit, especially if we feel a very strong pull towards them – so we idealize them, convinced they’re ‘the one’, or a BFF…  Actually, at this stage it’s just too early to know for sure
ii. get “the ICKs” : If we’re not quite comfortable with them, but they’re not blatantly abusive, we need time to find out if it’s because -
• the WIC &/or PP is acting up – with self-hate, lack of trust, old buttons getting pushed, our FoA, weak boundaries…
• OR the person is actually icky in some way we can’t yet explain – their damage is showing & we’re picking it up, but can’t verbalize it yet
• OR, they are genuinely NOT suited to our Truest Self, no matter how smart, competent, nice — or how much they may like us
SO – we wait & LISTEN, hopefully with a clear, fair & open mind

Part 2: Intensifying, Integrating, Bonding

How ACoAs ABANDON OTHERS (Part 1)

 

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE,
BUT I can only see my own point of view!

Previous: What to do when confused

ACoAs are usually focused on how much they got abandoned, without realizing they are just as prone to abandoning others.
This is not a surprise, since we all copy what we learned in childhood. We treat ourselves & others the way we were treated & the way we saw the adults treat each other.
➼ Each of these patterns derives from a combination of :
• Our original role models
• Our own native personality, governing the type of defenses we choose
BTW – even tho’ we can’t technically abandon another adult, the term is
being used here to express the emotional experience of ‘not being
there’ for someone

1. CONTROL
• Putting severe limits on what someone can & cannot do when they’re with us (what they can talk about, what emotions they can express…)
• Constantly telling someone how they should live their life or how they should be doing something (whether they asked or not)
a. CAUSE:
• ALL controlling behavior is an outward manifestation of our disowned fear that has accumulated from childhood into the present
• we try to control (micro-manage) everything & everyone around us so we don’t have to feel vulnerable, as we did in our unsafe & chaotic family, & later in bad jobs & bad relationships
• it’s a defense mechanism designed to make the world feel predictable & us feel powerful, by making everything exactly the way we want – SAFE.  As long as we refuse to or cannot deal with the underlying cause of this compulsion (& being controlling IS compulsive, because it’s fueled by intense anxiety) we won’t be able to stop doing it.

b. EFFECT:
Regardless of the underlying reasons, this pattern is:
• disrespectful to others!  We’re saying, consciously or not, that we don’t care about the effect our controlling has on the other person – we trample on the needs &/or wishes of others to preserve ourselves. Only our needs matter!  If we did care, we’d think twice about continuing
• insulting. We’re saying they are too incompetent, weak & stupid to make their own choices & figure things out for themselves
• arrogant. We’re saying we know better than everyone else, about everything,  AND have the right to make others do what we want.
✶ Of course, trying to be in control of others instead of ourselves – never works. Not only does it not alleviate the underlying terror, but makes others withdraw, be resentful & angry at us, which makes us feel even more unsafe & alone.

c. HEALTHY:
• be willing to deal with our own damage, our accumulated pain & toxic patterns
• acknowledge that each person has their own way of doing things & the right to make their own mistakes. We are NOT their Higher Power!
• ASK, ASK, ASK: what someone wants, what they need, how they feel, what works for them, what their taste is… We do not have to supply any of it IF we can’t, don’t want to or it’s not appropriate. Just become aware that others are separate from us, &amp; that’s not bad – their differences do not negate who we are!

2. IGNORING
The pattern of NOT HEARING what someone is telling us about themselves, their needs, their tastes, their point of view, present availability….BY
• doing the opposite of, or unrelated to, what is asked of us
• twisting what they say, against them or using it later to zing them
• saying something, in return, that has nothing actually to do with what they are talking about (we’re responding from some inner thought process that may or may not relate to them)
• pretending to listen, on the outside, while inside our attention is elsewhere – wandering, worried, in a rage … (not being present)
• going into a panic state, internally, & just blanking out
always & only talking/thinking about ourselves, so we can’t connect with the other person
• pretending to be involved in a conversation, even talking, BUT later can’t remember what either of us said
• accusing them of ignoring us when we want attention – even though we were told OR already know – that they’re not available at this particular time

a. CAUSE:
• copying what was done to us by our family
• overwhelmed by a jumble of painful emotions (anxiety, rage, terror, self-hate…) without being able to sort them out, or own the reasons for them
• not having a stable inner core (one’s true SELF), so afraid we’ll get swallowed up by the other person if we let ourselves connect
• desperately trying to hang on to our own thoughts & emotions, so can’t hear anyone else’s (weak boundaries)
b. EFFECT:
• severely limits positive input, by only focusing on our own point of view, and assuming no one is interested in ours anyway
• believe others will want too much of us if we really pay attention
• lose out on the benefits others may have to offer (friendship, knowledge, respect…)
• stay impoverished, emotionally & practically
• unable to express our true self, & give the world of our abilities & talents
c. HEALTHY:
• gain healthy boundaries
• process enough old pain to lower anxiety levels
• diminish self-hate by accepting that the abuse & neglect was NOT our fault

NEXT: How ACoAs abandon others (2a)

 

SITE MAP of the ACoA website

“HEAL & GROW for ACoAs”
90 pages of great info!   Get it all at http://www.acoarecovery.com, using the                            Site Map to navigate

ABOUT ME
Pg. 81-83 • Info, Background & Testimonials

ACoA SYMPTOMS
3  • Laundry list, 12 Steps for ACoAs
4  • Unhealthy Parenting
5, 6   •  Expanded characteristics
7  •  NARCISSISTS – characteristics
8  • Cognitive Distortions, w/ examples

ARTICLE
69, 70 • “Healthy Opposites- Change Behavior to Change Your Life”

BARGAINs WITH FATE
12,13 •  Intro & 5 Bargains  (from Shakespeare’s plays)

BLOG
87 • as of 7/15/10 — 16 entries

BOOKS
84,85 • Recovery Titles

BOUNDARIES (Bs)
39  •  Definition, Purpose
40, 41  •  Unhealthy Bs
42-44  •  Healthy Bs  (emotional, mental, physical)

CO-DEPENDENCE
45, 46 • Definitions; Unhealthy & Healthy

COURSE
55-58 • “Knowledge is Power: What Makes an ACoA” outlines

DECISIONS
72 •  Good  & Bad Approaches
73-74 • Extensive List of Personal Values
75-76  • Types of Decision Makers
77-79  • Decision Making Criteria (1-5)

DEFINITIONS
52-54 • Brief explanations of Confusing Terms

4 FAMILY ROLES
20 • Toxic Roles: Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot

EFFECTIVE RESPONSES
51 • Short & longer THINGS to SAY back to abuse or stupidity !

EMOTIONS
47 • Extensive list of emotions words
48-50 • Unhealthy & Healthy expressions/ uses of ANGER

FRIENDS
80 • Extensive list of characteristics

HEAD GAMES
9, 10 • 4 common games
11 •  4 more games, Expanded

INNER CHILD
14 – 17 • ‘Parent, Adult & Child’: Voices, Purpose, Characteristics
18, 19  • Developmental Stages, Memo from Child

LINKS
86 • @ Narcissists, etc.

NEW RULES
65, 66 • Healthy rules to take care of the Inner Child

RECOVERY
59, 60 • What it’s NOT & what it IS
61- 63  • Mental Health & Healthy Families
64  •  Benefits of Group Therapy

RELATIONSHIPS
23,24 • Issues & Beliefs
25-27 • Intimacy – Unhealthy & Healthy
28 • Love addiction; Power Plays
32 • LOVE – 5 languages, 5 Types
33 • TRUST – Who can, why not, How To
34 • Gay & Lesbian ACoAs
35 • M vs F ways of Responding
36 • 16 Men – by Myers-Briggs Typing
37 • Givers vs Takers

SAYINGS
67, 68 • Affirmations, Promises, Serenity Prayer

SEX & LOVE ADDICTION
29, 30 • Self-Diagnostic Qs

SEXUAL ABUSE
31, 32 • Survivors’ Symptoms;  Recovery

TOXIC RULES
21, 22 • Long & Short versions of dysfunctional childhood rules

WORK ISSUES
71 • ACoAs at Work; Healthy ways to work

Healthy HELPING (Part 1)

  

I LIKE HELPING!
As long as I take care of myself in the process

PREVIOUS: Rescuing (Part 2)

REVIEW: Hero Role   / Mental Health

ACoAs:  Many of us were trained from birth to be helpers, regardless of our native personality style & interests. There’s an ironic saying in recovery circles: “ACOAs are born with an MSW (Masters in Social Work) and then get their Birth Certificate later”!

• This is most common with child with the Hero role, which is usually the first-born in a dysfunctional family.  They’re supposed to pick up the slack where the parents leave off – being the little adult to make the family look healthier than it really is, but at the expense of the child.
• This caretaker role becomes so deeply ingrained that it is usually carried into all of our ADULT relationships.  It requires unceasing effort on behalf of others, instead of caring fully for ourselves. (See ‘RESCUING – False Helping’).

✦ On the other hand, there are ACoAs who, by their very nature, are meant to be in the helping or service professions, like people born with strong Water & Air Sign influences in their astrological chart – esp. Pisces, Cancer (healers), Aquarius & Gemini (teachers).
✦ For those of us so designed, the ideal is to be of genuine help to others, as a way to express our Highest Self – without resorting to the toxic patters of co-dependence, self-hate, boundary invasion, fear of abandonment & over-control.

1. OVERVIEW  -  before HELPING someone, ASK:
a. What do I know about the person I may help?
• are they responsible & self-caring?
• did they ask me directly & specifically, for something?
• will they be OK with you, if you can’t do what they want?

b. What exactly do they want?
• can they truly do it for themselves?
• is the request ‘clean’ (emotionally & verbally honest)?
• how many parts to the request are there, actually?
• what are the consequences/ price TO ME?

c. Can I Comply?
• am I really able to do this? (not beyond my ability OR not being asked to do the impossible?)
• do I WANT to do it?  If ‘Yes’ – what’s my motive?
• what does it require of me – specifically?
• will I be angry If I do it, or remorseful if I don’t?
• do I want anything in return? What are my expectations?

2. Prerequisites – for H.H.
a. In Us
• have good self-esteem, solid sense of identity not dependent on others
• already developed strong boundaries, not needing to be symbiotic
• don’t need to use people to feel good about oneself
• able to keep the ‘focus on oneself’ – not be enmeshed with the needs & emotions of others
• know our individual human limitations, without judgment or self-hate
• knowing what’s real, in the recovery process, about:
–emotions: each person is responsible for their own, & can be managed
–the growth process: it’s slow & has to be experienced personally
–what mental health is  (see pgs. 59 – 63, http://www.acoarecovery.com)
–what can be dealt with: what’s possible or not possible (ACoAs tend to get these backwards!) Refer to “The Serenity Prayer”

b. In Them
If they ARE:
• actively taking care of themselves (personal responsibility)
• actually ask for the help they want or need
• be clear about what they need (be direct & specific)
• truly ‘dis-abled’ in some way (ADD, PTSD, depression, illness…)
• able to use what you give then – apply it to their lives & use it to grow
➼ “Give a man a fish & you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish & you feed  him for a lifetime.” Chinese proverb

As long as they DON’T :
• need to suck you dry / cling, use you as a parent substitute
• try to copy your personality, instead of forming their own
• expect you to be perfect, know everything, take care of them
blame you for things that don’t work, that they can’t do, for disappointing outcomes

NEXT: Healthy Helping, Part 2 (When, How, Results)