DANGER IS MY MIDDLE NAME!
Don’t bore me with your caution
PREVIOUS: RISK – Intro
In terms of T.E.A., while risk is primarily about Actions, there is a type that fits into the Emotion & Thinking categories – the risk of personal growth, with the consequences of:
T. – internally letting go of the Negative Introject, which is our addiction & attachment to our family (giving up our denial)
E. – being able to tolerate the painful emotions what surface in the process of letting go, both from re-experiencing pent-up old pain, as well as facing being hurt by current family judgment & abuse for ‘leaving them’ ie. upsetting the family mobile by changing the dysfunctional dynamics.
A. ….& the action: sometimes having to distance ourselves from actual family members & dealing with the possible fallout
• This category of risk-aversion is called resistance. It’s NOT:
– opening up, emotionally, in the right places, in order to heal and grow (“You’re only as sick as your secrets”
– being willing to feel ones feelings, deal with ones damage…
So, without any Recovery or without deep FoO work – it’s expressed in by being anorexic, not necessarily with food but in many other areas of life. We prevent ourselves from taking in all the good things available to us.
The #1 reason for not risking very much is to keep up the fantasy / demand that someone else will eventually rescue us from having to grow up & be responsible for ourselves.
SOME ACoAs are :
a. MORE risk-averse – hardly ever taking risks of any kind, living mainly as victims, who stay in menial or unfulfilling jobs most of their work life, stay closer to home, don’t try new things, don’t reach out…
b. LESS averse: There are also some who are more adventuresome in many ways, possibly in the ‘action’ category, but afraid to risk in other important areas, often emotional, or a combination. EXAMPLES –
• speaking up for yourself, asking for your needs or preferences
• asking for help; making calls; responding to a Q which you know the answer to; talking to unfamiliar people
• setting boundaries or limits on what is acceptable behavior from others
• avoiding people who are needy, users, leaches, abusers
• leaving a bad or outgrown relationship OR rarely or never being in one; having an adequate support system
• having an adequate salary to live comfortably (under-earning), or greatly increasing your income
• pursuing a career passion or vocation which has been a long-held dream; taking classes to expand your world, ‘following your bliss‘
• starting over, somewhere else that’s more suitable to you
• trying out new foods; changing personal style of clothes or hair when appropriate (with age…), improving your living conditions
• looking for new, better or easier ways to do things —– etc.
• learning & then doing something creative, including ‘publishing’ it
• can’t take center stage in our own life
• copying a parent’s life-long fear of risk
• obeying our personal toxic rules
• rebelling against family demands for success
• not wanting to lose the proof of their abuse
• not allowed to be visible, or out-shine them
also FEAR – of:
• abandonment, reprisals, punishment
• authority; not being perfect; not picking the right thing
• being a ‘laughing stock’
• being shown as incompetent (not knowing)
• dealing with competition
• having to deal with others’ jealousy
• not getting deepest desires, anyway
AND / OR
• we’ll have to face one’s childhood damage AND CHANGE!
• have to S & I (outgrow & out do unsuccessful family)
• may have to leave parent, friends, mate, children, job, addictions, locations…. if they prevent our growth
• have to deal with the discomfort of having good things & being successful, as an adult – which the WIC says it doesn’t know how to be
• then have to take more risky steps after that… maybe even scarier (like: write something, then publish, then promote, then…)
Risk-junkies were just as terrorized growing up as the risk-averse, but their unconscious ‘defense of choice’ is to be counter-phobic, ie. so numb to the fear they carry, that they need a high degree of stimulation (danger) just to feel alive.
These ACoAs are more afraid of being still, of being quiet, of stopping long enough to hear their WIC voice of hysteria & feeling the panic, than dealing with all the outer dangers they put themselves in. The anxiety gets poured into:
• addictions, esp. those involving high risk (sex, illegal drugs…)
• any illegal careers (prostitution, drug & gun trafficking, murder…)
• compulsive activity (always having to be on the go), EVEN things like running across a street with heavy traffic, as the light is changing!!
• dangerous avocations (various sports…)
• dating/marrying dangerous people (addicts, felons, abusers…)
• high pressure jobs (some: lawyers, agents, sales people..)
• high-risk legal careers (police, military, boxing, firefighting…)
These potentially dangerous activities are often described by adrenalin addicts as fun, exciting, ‘the only way to live’… BUT like any addict, when forced to give up that lifestyle – they can experience:
• depression, feeling suicidal, hopeless
• feeling FLAT, that life’s boring, not worth it
• being unable to motivate themselves, in general
• great difficulty creating a new way to life that is both healthy and pleasurable
Fortunately, with recovery & doing ‘the work’ & sometimes the right medication – that misery will lift. We can pursue our dreams, without drama! Progress is it’s own re-enforcer.
NEXT: Healthy Risk