S & I needs a Heathy EGO (Part 1)

A HEALTHY EGO -
allows me to flourish

PREVIOUS: S & I – Intro (Part 2)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

Articles : “Ego Psychology”  /  Trans4mind : definition & purpose of ego

“The purest definition for ego is – The individuated consciousness of Infinite Being….a unique and distinct personality apart from universal consciousness”, says teacher & author Enoch Tan. Therefore Spirit & Ego go hand in hand: it’s the way Spirit has of expressing itself in its unique way, so without Ego you as an individual would not exist. (From Dream Manifesto)

To successfully Separate & Individuate (S & I), we need a HEALTHY EGO.  It’s the source of our overall physical, emotional & mental health, in relationship with ourselves & to others. In modern psychological circles the word EGO is often replaced by “confidence, self-esteem, self-awareness”.

➼ It’s unfortunate that most people misuse Ego to mean ‘arrogant, self-centered, conceited, limiting’…. & therefore a bad thing! Because it’s almost always incorrectly equated with the real problem of adult narcissism, it is no longer understood for its original meaning. We hear this in 12-Step programs, therapy, ‘spiritual’ literature, even famous people talking about the pitfalls of our ego, such as ‘Oprah’s Lifeclass: The False Power of Ego’.
These labels are not correct meanings of the term. The ‘character defects’ being referred to come from our PP or WIC aspects. Neither of those internal ego-states have healthy egos!  Wounded people are said to have damaged egos, split-personalities have multiple egos & psychopaths have fractured egos. NOT having a strong, clear ego causes us to be victims & doormats!

NOTE: Step 3 of AA’s 12 Steps says: “Made a decision to turn our will & our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him”.  In this context, the focus is on the word will. What will? Who’s will? ACoAs are afraid of this Step because it feels like volunteering for slavery to yet another authority figure – in this case the “ultimate” one.  This is one reason why so many ACoAs reject all religious or spiritual connection, or are drawn to spiritual paths that do not include a specific God-person. The WIC is still functioning from the experience that “God is an alcoholic parent” & therefore unsafe!

• Before Recovery (& even for a long time during) ACoAs do not have actual free will – no matter how headstrong, arrogant or genuinely accomplished. As long as we are still run by our childhood damage – the Toxic Rules – our will is not our own, but is fundamentally controlled by the Negative Introject ego state, which has the passionate devotion & obedience of the WIC.  So, the point of S & I is to achieve the freedom of finding & expressing our True Self, by un-hooking from the Internal Bad Parent.

• A NORMAL (healthy) EGO is essential for normal & successful functioning – the center of consciousness, the “eye” through which we look at the world. It allows us to become strong, loving, valuable, contributing members of society, both in work and in relationships – the foundation for “emotional intelligence.”
It’s the adult / reality part of ourselves, the “I” that chooses what to think, feel & act. It is separate from the creations of our own thoughts, and from the Self of others. It is the natural capacity for perception, attention, memory, concentration, motor coordination and language.  It is NOT something to get rid of!

• According to Freud, the EGO functions on the Reality Principle, ‘sitting’ mainly in the pre-conscious & conscious part of our mind, but its strong ties to the id means it also interacts with the unconscious. Ego is the part of the ‘psychic apparatus’ that works to achieve a balance between the id’s anti-social wishes & our personal standards via the superego.  It prevents us from automatically acting on those id urges, while working to satisfy them in realistic & socially appropriate ways. This is accomplished by using a variety of defense mechanisms, which can be divided into 4 levels, from worst to best: Pathological, Immature, Neurotic, Mature.  (Read more…. )

The healthy ego mediates conflicts between the demands of the:
• id – the impulsive, unconscious part of our psyche that responds directly & immediately to human instincts, which is chaotic and totally unreasonable (the young narcissistic child)
• superego – the incorporated values of family & society becoming our own conscience & Ideal Self (Loving OR Bad Internal Parent), and
• reality – the demands of the social and physical environment

Exp: If someone cuts you off in traffic, the Healthy Ego prevents you from chasing down the car and physically attacking the offending driver (altruism). It allows you to know that that reaction would be detrimental to you & the other person, and socially unacceptable (identification). A strong EGO knows that there are other more appropriate ways of venting frustration & is in control of your choices (sublimation).

Psychologist Kit Yarrow says: “A person with a healthy ego is able to see their flaws, learn from their mistakes and forgive themselves. They allow others to know them, rather than to see only the surface. Because they do – they feel loved. They act purposefully rather than react emotionally to stressful people and situations.”

NEXT: S & I – Ego, (Part 2)

Positive Character: ‘PERSONALITY’

THE BETTER MY SELF-ESTEEM
the better my relationships

Previous: Positive Character – Knowledge

REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

ENTHUSIASM /HUMOR
“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm,” Ralph Waldo Emerson.  Having enthusiasm about performing all types of jobs (large or small) generates a lot of energy, & make us far more likely to succeed. When we believe in what we’re doing, we’re excited & look forward to achieving a goal. It’s maintaining a good attitude, even when faced with unpleasant conditions, & expressing joy in each task as we give it our best effort. We can help people smile &  feel relaxed by seeing the lighter side of things. Humor can help us cope better with pain, enhance our immune system, reduce stress. Laughter is an essential component of a healthy, happy life.
EXP:
• be an energy-giver to others  • treat every job as important  • see the foolishness of human self-importance  • take some time every day to laugh, be playful  • not stay in a state of discouragement

HONESTY / INTEGRITY
“Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts.” To act according to the values, beliefs and principles we claim to hold (internally consistent, opposite of hypocrisy) – being the same way alone as we are when in the presence of others. To always speak the truth, & more broadly – present oneself in a genuine way, without pretense. Be truthful & accurate in our actions, not hiding something in order to ‘get over’.  Take responsibility for our feelings and actions. Being honest eliminates guilt & shame, while increasing our self-confidence & sense of inner peace. Only do or say things we believe in our heart
Also – To gain or obtain something fairly. Be honorable in intentions & actions, & therefore be trustworthy. Being considerate comes from respecting oneself & others
EXP:
• able to own up to making a mistake • returning items that don’t belong to us • not being manipulative  • be fair in our dealing with others • being true to our deepest self  • be able to tolerate disagreements  • don’t exaggerate to make ourselves or things seem bigger or better than they are

HUMILITY/ MODESTY (unpretentious)
Modesty is an expression of self-confidence that allows for a balanced & fair assessment of our abilities & character. It encourages collaboration, since modest people have nothing to gain from bragging & nothing to lose by being vulnerable. 
It’s letting one’s accomplishments speak for themselves – being free from vanity, egotism, boastfulness, or great pretensions (not having to show off).
Having an inflated self-concept is actually a hindrance to achievement because it ignores the possibility of self-improvement, sacrifice & hard work. Humility does NOT mean being self-deprecating or hiding ones talents. But it’s a necessary control on the natural human tendency to think of ourselves more highly than is good either for ourselves or our community. It means not always having to be right or prove our point.
EXP:
• respect ourselves & others  • appreciate how others have helped us  • be thankful  • don’t need to out-do others by making ourselves look better or smarter • value what we have & all the good around us  • listen at least as much as we speak  • it’s being ‘grounded’ (humus = earth – Latin)

PATIENCE
“Accepting a difficult situation without giving a deadline to remove it.”
The ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay. Is helps to persevere in the face of difficulties – able to stand being provoked, annoyances, misfortune or pain, without endless complaining, irritation, raging or blaming others.
Patience implies having the qualities of calmness, stability & persistent courage in hard times – the character trait of being steadfast.  In terms of decision-making, it’s choosing to wait for a more valuable reward in the long-term, over a quick but smaller one in the short-term. Being able to wait – with realistic hope – for process to run its course towards a realistic goal. Knowing we’ll get our needs met, even in the face of a postponement
EXP:
• waiting our turn  • believing in positive outcomes  • change the things we can & accept the things we can’t  •  don’t interrupt • keep trying until we succeed • don’t complain when we don’t get our way

SECURITY / SELF-ESTEEM (self-awareness, self-respect)
Structure our lives around something that can’t be taken away or destroyed. The sense of inner emotional stability based on the knowledge that we are lovable & loved (but not always by our FoO). Security is also the certainty that everything is OK and that all our basic needs will be met.  Abraham Maslow’s ‘Hierarchy of Needs’ lists Security as a basic one at level 3. If we don’t feel secure, we can’t move onto higher levels like love and self-actualization. Feeling security allows us to take in love, & unconditional love creates self-esteem.  Review POST: “Self-Esteem – What it is”
EXP:
• have peace of mind from a clear conscience, not just personal comfort  • don’t worry or be anxious  •  look to appropriate authorities for protection  • correct unsafe conditions  • don’t meddle in the concerns of others • believe in ourselves • know our own worth • be comfortable with our uniqueness

SELF-DISCIPLINE
“Rejecting wrong desires and doing what is right.” … freeing ourselves from the tyranny of our base desires….. regulating what we feel & do, being disciplined, controlling appetites & emotions.  The ability to deny ourselves something we want because of a higher purpose or objective (not cheating in order to not suffer guilt, shame, punishment….). Self discipline is an expression of our motivation & is highly correlated with being honest. It helps us be successful at reaching personal goals by taking advantage of opportunities & promoting self-esteem. It is not endless, but can be replenished by sleep, self-affirmation exercises, positive emotional experiences & healthy support. It’s like a muscle – a skill that can be exercised and improved.
EXP:
• remove temptations (people, places & things) • don’t act impulsively  • don’t equate desires with rights  • set our own limits  • see anger as a sign that something is off in ourselves •  walk away from things that aren’t right

THRIFTINESS
While mainly thought of regarding money, it is generally being prudent (economical) in the management of all consumable resources, which can lead to increasing material benefits. Making use of every part of something to avoid being wasteful.
Only spend what’s necessary – most of the time, & save for a splurge once in a while. It does NOT mean being anorexic or deprivational. It is staying within our means, not overindulging on a regular basis. Keep track of spending, make a reasonable budget & follow it. Also – being careful of other people’s well-being & goods. Consider the long run – the benefits of being careful to self, family, community & the planet.
EXP:
• save more and spend less • make good use of what we already have • look for the best value  •  wisely use money, time & energy • don’t confuse needs with wants

NEXT: Positive Character – WORK

WHAT is SHAME? (Part 1)

THE BAD SEED
I was born bad & I’ll always be bad

Previous: “Fear is the absence of Love”

Guilt is about actions – it’s the emotion which is caused by disobedience to rules we deeply believe in.  On the other hand, SHAME is about our identity - about who we are, fundamentally.  It says that our very essence is bad, unlovable, unacceptable – to be eliminated. It makes us:
• want to hide, isolate, not talk, try to be invisible
• want to be dead! The pain of shame is so great & the conviction that we’re un-redeemable is so deep (not worth saving), that it eliminates Hope. Why bother even trying!
• OR overcompensate – by out-doing, controlling, shaming others, acting
superior, knowing ‘everything’, never showing ‘weakness’… ie. grandiosity

➼ SHAME is connected to our NEEDs, rather than our actions.
Specifically – each need we had as a child which was neglected, punished & made fun of. If you think about how many needs children have – and how many of them were not met at all or met with abuse – then you can imagine how huge our shame quotient is !!
➼ BTW, most people focus on the need for love as basic, & while this is crucial, even more basic if the need for safety! A person can’t begin to take in love, even if it’s available, if they’re terrified.

IN CHILDHOOD:
a. Ashamed – Children admire, even idealize their parents when they’re quite small. They need to do this in order to feel safe – to know they can rely on these people to be competent & available for them. It helps to compensate for the child’s extreme dependence & vulnerability.
✶ In reasonably healthy families, they gradually come to understand that their parents are human, fallible, imperfect – BUT still basically safe, trustworthy & decent role models.
● In dysfunctional families, one or more the adults act out their damage:
depression, verbal attacks, physical &/or sexual abuse, neglect, cruelty, addictions, withdrawal, mental illness, bitterness, constant criticism, putting each other & the kids in danger, not providing necessities, leaving & then never staying in touch, not staying groomed, not earning a living….

All of these, & more, will cause children to feel ashamed of their family (the chaos, the craziness, the cruelty) – & by extension, themselves, as members of that group.  The children’s sense of safety & pride in themselves & their parents is eroded & shattered. This is devastating.
That feeling is then carried, like a canker sore in our spirit, into adulthood.

b. Shamed -
✶  Positive: To have self-esteem, children need to be”
• patiently taught how to do things
• admired & applauded for the things they do well
• respectfully corrected for errors or lapses
• treated with patience for the things they cannot do, especially if it’s  because they’re too young, yet, but will be able to eventually -  or because they have a disability.

■ Negative: Children in damaged families are
● teased & made fun of for many thing  (anger disguised with toxic humor)
● yelled at, punished, harangued – sometimes for nothing specific or obvious
● expected to know or do the impossible
● insulted about ones gender, looks, tastes, interests..
● pushed to do things when too young & then punished for failing
● treated unfairly, abused & then punished for crying, being upset or angry
● being hit, punished, yelled at, humiliated – in public …..

These & many other forms of shaming have been called SOUL MURDER & represent parents’ lack of love & respect for themselves & so for their children, who stand in for their own Inner Child.
These mistreatments abuse the needs that all children have – the need to be heard, to be treated with respect, to feel safe, to be loved, to be paid attention to, to grow & learn at their own pace, to find out who they are as individuals, to know they can depend on their caretakers, to look up to their parents,  to LIVE, to prosper, to succeed, etc.

➼ EACH of these NEEDS thus become SHAMEFUL !
We conclude that if our family hated these needs, then the needs are bad  (& us for still having them).   So they must be suppressed, better yet – eliminated, no matter how deep & persistent they may be.
EXPL: One person, after hearing the 4th Step in Al-Anon (“Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves’) suddenly realized 2 core issues:
■ his #1 toxic rule was: “I should be dead !”, &
■ his most shamed need: “ I thought my greatest character defect was my need for love!  After all – I never felt loved, I got the message that I wasn’t lovable  – so I must be a fool to keep wanting it !”  In Recovery he learned that this & all his needs were legitimate, universal & his RIGHT, & so he was able to reject the need to die, & start loving himself.

NEXT: Shame (Part 2)

ACoAs ‘FEELING SORRY For’ (Healthy)

I CARE ABOUT OTHERS IN PAIN -
but my first responsibility is to deal with my own!

PREVIOUS: Negative Benefits – clarified

REMINDER : See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

1. HEALTHY:
“Feeling sorry for” someone can be considered a positive quality if it’s an aspect of: (from Wikipedia)
A. Compassion: a human emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy… giving rise to an active desire to alleviate another’s suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component in what manifests in the social context as altruism …
B. Altruism: a selfless concern for the welfare of others…. tending to do good to others, regardless of self…. a behavior that costs the doer and benefits others.  It is a traditional virtue in many cultures, and a core aspect of various religious traditions.

• ‘Feeling sorry for’ may be generated by any situation we personally identify with, or simply having a compassionate heart for the plight of others who are less fortunate. It is considered the highest form of love (Agape) – where we put our own needs aside to help someone else
• We may or may not be able to do anything practical for the millions who suffer, but on a one-to-one basis, at the very least we can LISTEN to someone who needs a caring heart & ear, without judgment or advice

➼ For this type of ‘feeling sorry for’ to be legitimate – the recipient of our concern must be truly in need of help & not have the ability to do for themselves – at least temporarily. This is not always easy to determine, especially is it’s someone we care about, who is acting out of the victim role. See “Rescuing” -vs- “Healthy Helping”.

2. For OURSELVES
From some 12-step programs, religious communities, family & friends,  & various self-help gurus / books  -  we often hear these admonitions even when we’re expressing genuine pain: “Get off the pity pot” , “You’re JUST feeling sorry for yourself” , “Don’t wallow in your pain” , “Don’t live in the past” , “That was a long time ago” , “Are you still going on about that?” ….

These comments may be appropriate if someone is not working to heal the old wound, but is instead clinging to their victim-hood. However, there are 2 different aspects to consider:
a. Negative – when ACoAs keep rehashing old traumas, only as a way to:
• not take care of ourselves – stay in the victim WIC mode
• blame others, instead of focusing on what we can do now
• stay in the anger – which is ‘safer’ than feeling the pain underneath
• not have to grow up & ‘leave home’ (S & I)
– then we are escaping the responsibility of being in charge of our life.

b. Positive – when we are beginning to understand the scope of our abuse & neglect growing up – not getting sympathy, empathy, comforting… when we were in any kind of pain, especially emotional. Our suffering was ignored or punished & we were expected to suck it up. ‘They’ said we were being a baby, too sensitive, over-reacting, making things up, being crazy….
• This has left us with a tragic inability to be kind & understanding toward ourselves!  We are as unsympathetic as our family was – indeed, just as cruel in the way we talk to & treat ourselves! (Self-Hate)

SO:
First & foremost, we need to have great compassion for ourselves – for  what we endured as kids, & also as adults. Feeling sorry for & comforting our WIC is NOT selfishness, as we were told. We need to:
• be able to clearly understand exactly what happened to us in childhood. As long as we can’t identify & acknowledge it, we’ll keep repeating it
• have others validate our experience, without blame or judgment, because we never got the right kind of mirroring growing up (a crucial aspect of our damage)
• go over & over the traumatic events of childhood in order to get to the emotional pain which they caused – to be able to process it & get it out of our body
• cry & rage & mourn – in safe places, with safe people – so we don’t have to carry it around anymore or take it out on others
➼ These can take a long time, because there’s a huge backlog of pain which we can’t access quickly or easily – & our resistance to change.

EXPL:
Bobby had been working on connecting with his Inner Child for several years.  While sharing in an ACoA 12-Step meeting, he suddenly visualized his kid sitting on the floor, hunched over – with knives sticking in him, all over. So that’s what all that early verbal abuse had felt like! Bobby started to cry.  In that moment he saw & felt the terrible distress his kid was in but which he wasn’t allowed to object to or express. As his Loving Parent self, he was able to feel a great rush of sorrow & compassion for his younger self. After that he couldn’t be harsh with the kid any more (negative voice coming from either the WIC or the PP).  It was a turning point in his recovery.

• Remember: The only source of self-esteem is unconditional love. Having a strong, healthy identity means being able to treat ourselves with loving kindness, patience & perseverance. We do need to ‘feel sorry for’ our wounded part – the real-life child we were, who suffered unfairly & alone thru endless days & nights, in our home, school, church & neighborhood – without people noticing, caring or helping!
• If we – as the Loving Inner Parent to our WIC – can feel genuine sorrow for what we lived thru, thru no fault of our own, we can begin healing those wounds.  The child part of us is waiting to be heard!

NEXT: “Feeling sorry for ” – UNHEALTHY

Personal RESPONSIBILITY (Part 2)

 

 TAKING RESPONSIBILITY – WITHOUT SELF-HATE
greatly empowers me!

Previous: Responsibility (Part 1)

 

3. HEALTHY appropriate responsibility :
a. About Us
• identify all our talents, gifts, knowledge & hard work – and USE THEM
• be willing to own our strengths & weaknesses, from self-esteem rather that perfectionism
• as adults – to take care of our own needs, not wait for someone else to rescue us, to be able to ask for help when appropriate & take time to rest but not isolate
• know ourselves well enough to observe how we functions in the world in many different situations, & so gain master

• regularly check the motives that drive our words & actions
• be willing to ‘fess up’ to words or actions we make in error or that hurt someone else, without self-recrimination
• make changes when our thinking & actions are self-defeating or injurious to others
• be interested in improving ourselves, whenever possible – allowing for resistance, damage or outer pressured which may slow down my process

b. About Others
• learn the difference between caring about someone & care-taking them
• honor everyone’s personal boundaries
• never assume we know what’s going on with someone, no matter psychic we are or how well we know them
• notice what the other person says about themselves & use that (not ourselves) as the basis for communicating, for gift giving, for giving support, for choosing activities…

• ASK, ASK, ASK – before giving suggestions, advice, instructions…
– if they want or need it
– what have they done so far (so we don’t waste their time covering what’s already been tried – & maybe failed)
• consider the other person’s ‘buttons’ so we don’t keep stepping on their toes
• if we can’t keep a promise, let them know as soon as possible
• be emotionally honest, without dumping, whining, blaming, being too needy

BENEFITS:
✶ it eliminates the need for spin
✶ it significantly reduces guilt & shame
✶ it increase self-esteem and strengthens our true self
✶ it makes us more reliable, trustworthy & likable!
✶ it allows us to get more of what we want in the world.  NOT BAD, huh?

➼ Being respectful & kind – which comes from the Healthy Adult, is NOT co-dependence, which comes from the wounded IC.   Consider how you’d like to be treated & then do likewise to others, whenever possible, without hurting yourself!

✶               ✶                ✶                 ✶
Q: How do you act responsibly in your life?

NEXT: “ALONE” – an ACoA poem