PREVIOUS : Introject – Bad Voice (Part 2)
NOTE: ‘IT’ has been changed to NI (= Pig Parent or Bad Voice)
To HEAL & GROW – the TWO major goals are :
❦ Develop a strong, clear voice of our own, that we can follow – to be comfortable & even successful, in all parts of our life
❦ FORM a brand new POSITIVE INTROJECT, which can be developed from several external sources. The purpose is to ‘take in’ the new way of seeing ourselves, so we can emotionally self-sustaining, rather than being endlessly dependent on others to feel OK.
We can disconnect from the Negative Introject (NI) by developing our own identity (S & I), which we can do with help:
• get external acknowledgement & then continue internal validation of what we went thru as kids, & what many of us still ‘choose’ to put up in the present, so that the PP can’t fool us any more
• use that validation to be in touch with our pain, rage & sorrow at the original abuse, so we’re not wasting energy in denial
• clearly identify what that bad voice is telling us & then counter it
• thoroughly ‘get’ that it’s abusive & therefore harmful to us
• actively practice disobedience of & disbelief in the NI!
• continually work at diminishing our self-hate
• believe in our right to have needs, opinions & dreams
• learn what our own healthy, intuitive, inborn voice is saying, listening to and acting on that instead of to the PP
• gradually separate our Inner Child’s dependency on the bad voice &
transfer it’s loyalty to our developing Healthy Inner Parent/ Adult self, by always be the Good Parent to our Inner Child
• develop strong boundaries in our relationship with others, rather than walls, especially with anyone who treats us like our family
• have the courage to SAY NO to unhealthy & unsuitable people
Then we can have Compassion for the NI / PP, WITHOUT OBEYING IT, because we won’t need it anymore. We’ll have (be) our own Good Parent.
Distancing from the NI
• We can tell the NI to drop dead, leave us the **** alone, shut up in there!….OR
• We can try to sooth the bad voice by validating it’s pain / fear… and telling it we understand its pain, that it will not be harmed by anything positive we’re doing for ourselves, BUT without agreeing with it
• Or, don’t respond at all – ignore it. Talk to your WIC instead, soothing & comforting him / her. The better your connection with the kid, the less power the PP will have.
The PP will try to fight for its life, but if we consistently take good care of ourselves, eventually it’ll get quieter & fade, even if it’s still there in the far background.
✓ IF WE - tried to protect one parent from the other, because the victim parent was too weak to stand up for themselves; OR if one parents left, or died
❇ Then we became the replacement punching bag, or spouse-substitute, or tried protecting the weaker parent or sibling by magical thinking…
• So we are still attached to that role & reproduce in current relationships
❇ NOW we need to give our parents back to each other. It was THEIR relationship, their marriage, their loss… SAY: “Dad/Mom, You’re not my mate. I give you back to him/her to deal with. I have my own life to live & it was never my job.”
– OR -
✓ IF WE - took on a depressed parent’s suicidal feelings (even if they never acted on them directly)
❇ Then we became suicidal, form love and a child’s magical belief that we could then keep them alive…
• So we do self-destructive things, or find other physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually dangerous people or situations to hurt us
❇ NOW we need to give him / her back the responsibility for their own life, so we don’t have to act on their wish to escape. We don’t have to kill ourselves.
In RECOVERY – we need to gradually shed all the damage picked up from our family members which we still carry, out of love & loyalty to them, but which is NOT OUR baggage. Once we can identify what’s our & what’s theirs, we can say daily mantras to let go, & do visualizations to shed that burden. PACK UP what’s theirs. Then mentally go up to each person & return it – lay the box or bag at their feet AND walk away!
To develop a POSITIVE INTROJECT, all the sources need be emotionally healthy – validating, supportive, positive, intelligent, spiritual & patient. They can be:
• a loving family member, if there is one
• any appropriate 12-step Program, rehab, workshops…
• a knowledgeable psychotherapist, & perhaps group therapy
• helpful books & literature (psychological & spiritual)
• our Higher Power, spiritual or religious teachers/ leaders, if suitable
• successful well-known people, as role models & inspiration
• craneo-sacral & other knowledgeable body workers, nutritionist…
• good friends, a supportive mate, caring adult children, AND pets
• business partners, clients, acquaintances – who value your abilities /etc.
It’s appropriate & healthy for us to TAKE IN all positive feedback from outside sources (if it’s accurate & realistic), to counter the negative voice AND as an internal support system we can carry with us, in any circumstance. This is a form of healthy mirroring.
Make the effort to not let your WIC get overwhelmed by how much there is to sort out in Recovery. Like with any new skill – it takes knowledge, guidance, time & practice. We need to identify what characteristics & beliefs are ‘their’ & what’s ours. When we identify overlaps that are acceptable to our True Self, we can own those qualities – without the accompanying toxic elements – & so without fear or judgment.