REPLACING the Negative INTROJECT

I HAVE THE POWER, ALREADY -
to defend my WIC from the NI / PP!

PREVIOUS :  Introject – Bad Voice (Part 2)

NOTE: ‘IT’ has been changed to NI (= Pig Parent or Bad Voice)

To HEAL & GROW – the TWO major goals are :
❦ Develop a strong, clear voice of our own, that we can follow – to be comfortable & even successful, in all parts of our life
❦  FORM a brand new POSITIVE INTROJECT, which can be developed from several external sources. The purpose is to ‘take in’ the new way of seeing ourselves, so we can emotionally self-sustaining, rather than being endlessly dependent on others to feel OK.

We can disconnect from the Negative Introject (NI) by developing our own identity (S & I), which we can do with help:
• get external acknowledgement & then continue internal validation of what we went thru as kids, & what many of us still ‘choose’ to put up in the present, so that the PP can’t fool us any more
• use that validation to be in touch with our pain, rage & sorrow at the original abuse, so we’re not wasting energy in denial

• clearly identify what that bad voice is telling us & then counter it
• thoroughly ‘get’ that it’s abusive & therefore harmful to us
• actively practice disobedience of & disbelief in the NI!

• continually work at diminishing our self-hate
• believe in our right to have needs, opinions & dreams
• learn what our own healthy, intuitive, inborn voice is saying, listening to and acting on that instead of to the PP

• gradually separate our Inner Child’s dependency on the bad voice &
transfer it’s loyalty to our developing Healthy Inner Parent/ Adult self, by always be the Good Parent to our Inner Child
• develop strong boundaries in our relationship with others, rather than walls, especially with anyone who treats us like our family
• have the courage to SAY NO to unhealthy & unsuitable people

Then we can have Compassion for the NI / PP, WITHOUT OBEYING IT, because we won’t need it anymore. We’ll have (be) our own Good Parent.

Distancing from the NI
• We can tell the NI to drop dead, leave us the **** alone, shut up in there!….OR
• We can try to sooth the bad voice by validating it’s pain / fear… and telling it we understand its pain, that it will not be harmed by anything positive we’re doing for ourselves, BUT without agreeing with it
• Or, don’t respond at all – ignore it.  Talk to your WIC instead, soothing & comforting him / her. The better your connection with the kid, the less power the PP will have.
The PP will try to fight for its life, but if we consistently take good care of ourselves, eventually it’ll get quieter & fade, even if it’s still there in the far background.
EXP:
✓ IF WE - tried to protect one parent from the other, because the victim parent was too weak to stand up for themselves; OR if one parents left, or died
❇ Then we became the replacement punching bag, or spouse-substitute, or tried protecting the weaker parent or sibling by magical thinking…
• So we are still attached to that role & reproduce in current relationships

❇ NOW we need to give our parents back to each other. It was THEIR relationship, their marriage, their loss… SAY: “Dad/Mom, You’re not my mate. I give you back to him/her to deal with. I have my own life to live & it was never my job.”
– OR -
✓ IF WE - took on a depressed parent’s suicidal feelings (even if they never acted on them directly)
❇ Then we became suicidal, form love and a child’s magical belief that we could then keep them alive…
• So we do self-destructive things, or find other physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually dangerous people or situations to hurt us

❇ NOW we need to give him / her back the responsibility for their own life, so we don’t have to act on their wish to escape. We don’t have to kill ourselves.

In RECOVERY – we need to gradually shed all the damage picked up from our family members which we still carry, out of love & loyalty to them, but which is NOT OUR baggage.  Once we can identify what’s our & what’s theirs, we can say daily mantras to let go, & do visualizations to shed that burden. PACK UP what’s theirs. Then mentally go up to each person & return it – lay the box or bag at their feet AND walk away!

To develop a POSITIVE INTROJECT, all the sources need be emotionally healthy – validating, supportive, positive, intelligent, spiritual & patient. They can be:
• a loving family member, if there is one
• any appropriate 12-step Program, rehab, workshops…
• a knowledgeable psychotherapist, & perhaps group therapy
• helpful books & literature (psychological & spiritual)

• our Higher Power, spiritual or religious teachers/ leaders, if suitable
• successful well-known people, as role models & inspiration
• craneo-sacral & other knowledgeable body workers, nutritionist…
• good friends, a supportive mate, caring adult children, AND pets
• business partners, clients, acquaintances – who value your abilities /etc.

It’s appropriate & healthy for us to TAKE IN all positive feedback from outside sources (if it’s accurate & realistic), to counter the negative voice AND as an internal support system we can carry with us, in any circumstance. This is a form of healthy mirroring.

Make the effort to not let your WIC get overwhelmed by how much there is to sort out in Recovery. Like with any new skill – it takes knowledge, guidance, time & practice. We need to identify what characteristics & beliefs are ‘their’ & what’s ours. When we identify overlaps that are acceptable to our True Self, we can own those qualities – without the accompanying toxic elements – & so without fear or judgment.

NEXT:

WHY ARE YOU STUCK?

 

SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY
Take the same old actions – get the same old results!

PREVIOUS: SITE MAP of AC0A website

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

WHY
There may be several reasons why ACoAs are stuck. Here we’re concerned with the many Negative Beliefs* we carry with us from our childhood experience.
✶ Our fear is strong & pervasive, but the main cause for that in the present is what we are THINKING! Change that & we’re free!  NOT being able to pursue & reach our needs & desires is caused by intense inner conflict between what we consciously desire VS the family rules coming from the Introject (bad parent voice), which is whispering or screaming at the WIC (wounded inner child), resulting in Self-Hate

• OBEYING the Toxic Beliefs guarantees that we stay trapped, continually failing, feeling more & more hopeless, even suicidal. BUT, they are so much a part of us, we may not even know that we’re being coerced by ideas that were created for us (deliberately or not, it doesn’t matter). To get UNSTUCK – we need to know & own these self-destructive Rules, counter them & then slowly change our actions, ie. Only follow the New Rules!

IRONICALLY, these old beliefs are very hard to give up, because:
• the Inner Child actually believes them!
• following them represents loyalty to our family
GIVING them up would mean:
• getting in touch with the PAIN of our damage
• seeing what we missed out on (a loving, healthy family)
• having to give up what we thought was our ‘identity’ (our False Self & one or more Roles)
• having to become our own person (S & I), grow up emotionally, make our own choices, be responsible for ourselves & our actions  – stop waiting to be rescued.

BELOW is one FORM to use whenever you want to know what’s going on in your head – what toxic beliefs are keeping you from getting what you want in life (separately for each topic or issue that is bothering or confusing you), AND another FORM to make your corrections

➼ Please DON’T just say “I don’t understand this”, or “I don’t know how to do it” & give up.  That is mainly resistance, even if you’ve never done this particular exercise before.  Anyone who has read self-help books & done therapy will definitely be able to fill these out, given some thought, but even if you never have, you can always ask for help from someone who knows you well.  Don’t worry if your answers are similar each time you use the forms. That’s to be expected.

START by identifying a problem you want to correct OR a goal you want to achieve, but have not been able to, so far. Suggested ‘Issues’ -  What‘s stopping me from:
• starting a new career?  • looking for a new job ?  • leaving a harmful relationship?  • standing up for myself?  • letting go of my damage?  • cleaning up my apartment?  • studying  my artistic passion? …

1. FORM A – What is familiar: using T.E.A. (our Thoughts, Emotions & Actions), to ‘hear’ the damaged part of our thinking
•  Column 1. “Emotions” can be filled in right away if you are very upset & know what you are feeling, otherwise–
– go to Column 2, filling in as many negative thoughts as you can (one for each category is ok if that’s all you can think of). Make sure you separate out what you’re thinking about yourself VS what you’re saying about others (projecting)

•  If you left the first column empty, now add any emotions you have become aware of that relate to your beliefs about this topic
• Then list the ways you ACT in response to your negative beliefs

2. FORM B – What is possible: Reversing thoughts & patterns of behavior will modify fear & greatly improve your experiences in life.
Use the same procedure as for Form A. but change the harmful beliefs to HEALTHY, positive & hopeful ones, & then keep the list with you at all times so you can review & internalize them

• Based on that -  you can practice changing you ACTIONS, starting in small ways, whenever you can. Plan ahead how you’re gong to change an old pattern & try it out.
• In this case the Emotions column is last because you may not know how you feel until you try our new behaviors & get some positive results. Don’t be surprised if you have uncomfortable emotions as well as happy ones.  Those will come from your WIC and/or PP.  Just let them be. Comfort your kid, tell the pig parent (introject) to leave your kid alone, & focus on enjoying the relief & pleasure of living well (the best revenge!).

Sample PROBLEM :
“Why can’t I make & keep friends / lovers / bosses who are healthier, compatible & supportive??”

You may need help from a therapist, friend, sponsor or healer – to IDENTIFY the NEGATIVE and POSITIVE beliefs. Don’t be ashamed to ask!

MAKE several BLANK copies of these 2 FORMS,  and try it out on one of YOUR issues

“FEELINGS AREN’T FACTS” (Part 2)

 

WHEN THE HEART TALKS….
… I should listen



PREVIOUS: “Feelings aren’t facts”, Part 1
REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

2. ‘FACTS’:  The other problem with this platitude is that these 2 words don’t really belong together (feelings & facts).  Consider T.E.A.:
a. Actions - only these are facts, quantifiable, with measurable results.
b. Emotions are never ‘facts’ – they are internal experiences.  Yes, it’s a fact that we have emotions. Even Vulcans have those pesky things, underneath. For humans, to be cut off from our emotions turns us into narcissists or worse – sociopaths!

• Eventually someone in Al-Anon added what they thought was a clarification: “Feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that I’m having these feelings”. OK – this does refer to Emotions. This was encouraging for many of us to hear, because as CoAs we were taught to repress some or all our emotions – to deny them as irrelevant or unacceptable.  So this version gave permission to FEEL emotions.  But this is not what the phrase actually means.

c. Thoughts are not technically facts either, but experiences – healthy or unhealthy. Thoughts are:
• the cause of actions, good or bad, depending on the type of thoughts (may not be conscious, but are the reason for our behavior), AND
• the source of emotions (in the present): enjoyment, pleasure, relief, comfort … OR great suffering, caused by distorted or cruel thoughts, rigid beliefs, toxic rules, scary projections, unfounded assumptions … which lead to painful emotions for ourselves & often to destructive actions towards others!

➼ NOTE: Watch out for people who ONLY talk about what they or other people are doing, where they’ve been, who they know, what they’ve accomplished…. Facts, facts, facts!  That tells us they are NOT in touch with their emotions, which makes them unsafe in relationships, for anything other than giving information – if that!

CONCLUSION: In the light of these distinctions, what does the phrase “Feelings are facts” really mean? ANS: it only refers to Thoughts, but not just any kind.  It’s not about accurate, realistic, ‘normal‘ thinking, but only about OBSESSION !! And what most ACoAs obsess about endlessly is always related to abandonment:

✦ EITHER our Self-Hate
”I don’t know why he won’t talk to me – why is he ignoring me – was it something I said? Or maybe I should have been nice to him.  I probably sat in the wrong chair… I know he doesn’t like me… what can I do to change his mind… “  -  bla, bla, bla….
✦ OR Rageful thoughts towards others
“How dare she talk to me like that… Why didn’t he call me….I never did anything to her… I’m going to give her a piece of my mind… I hate her, she’s a witch…. no I’d better not… what should I say… I don’t want to get fired…”  etc, etc

BTW – We even have these obsessive inner rants about people we’ve never actually talked to – or about someone we know, but who didn’t do or be something we thought they should…. Of course, obsessional thinking is not accurate or mature. It is rooted in childhood abandonment fear, self-hate, & learned patters of communicating from family, school & perhaps ‘church’.

HEALTH : Being able to think clearly is imperative to function well in the world & in personal relationships. To do so we need accurate, reasonable & present-day info about how everything really works, what is positive about ourselves, what it means to be human & universal spiritual truths about Higher Power.

“Feelings aren’t facts” actually means: “Our negative, distorted thoughts, beliefs & obsessions are NOT telling us the truth.”  Only when understood that way is it a correct statement.
To Review: All emotions are a source of basic & indispensable information: internally telling us about ourselves, & externally about what;s happening around us – what IS safe, compatible, helpful to us OR what is harmful, incompatible, inappropriate for us.  We need our emotions – they are not our enemy!

✦ Emotions themselves are never ‘negative’.  It’s important to NOT use this term about Es, because it implies that they’re bad, and when something’s bad, we assume it should be gotten rid of. So we’re taught to suppress & be ashamed of many Es which are perfectly normal. What is needed is to change our harmful thoughts & actions.

✦ Many wounded people live in emotional extremes, fueled by self-hate & rageful thinking, say – in a range of -20 ——————–0———————- +20. They live from drama to drama – internally & externally, created by fearful THOUGHTS.
The emotional pain behind the drama is real, based on years of childhood distress. This pain needs to be let out in safe ways, which allows us to settle into more ‘even’ emotional responses. Then we can make better & better choices for ourselves and in relation to others – which is what they were meant for in the first place!

✦ Healthy Emotions are NOT good or bad, but rather range from the very painful <———–0————> to the very joyful.  The ‘0’ stands for neutral.  We need to aim for living within a range of +5 to -5 on either side of center, most of the time, although not exclusively.  This can only happen when healing diminishes our accumulated anxiety so we don’t have to alternate between the ‘outer limits’ of misery or fantasy/illusion!

NEXT:

NEXT: Autonomy vs Attachment

ACoAs – Putting Things Off (Part 1)

I DON’ WANNA -
so I just won’t!

Previous: What TO receive – or Not
Review Post: “What to do when Confused”

In terms of T.E.A., this topic is about ACTIONs. When we say we’re stuck, it often means that we’re not able or willing to take actions we know are needed & good for us, or that we would like to do, but ‘can’t’.

ACoAs are ‘famous’ for putting things off that -
a. we don’t want to do – study, stand up to someone, change a light bulb, do the taxes, pick a new doctor … OR
b. that we’re internally not allowed to do – like our life – as in following our dreams, leaving bad relationships, moving to a better location….!

• Of course, there are the over-controlled action-junkies among us who are always doing, doing, doing : for work, for the family, for the community – but not for ourselves. For these ACoAs, the ‘putting off’ issue is about not taking care of our own needs.

AS KIDS, we were :
– punished or made fun of for not knowing things AND for being too smart, intuitive, clever, artistic….(parents were threatened & jealous)
– left alone to figure things out, when too young
– constantly given confusing or conflicting messages about what to do
– forced to do for others, NOT ourselves
– never praised for what we did accomplish. (Kids need validation for any effort, without it having to be of world-class quality!)

Exp: In a family of 4, the  pre-teen daughter’s chore is to wash dishes every other nite. One evening Mother finds her playing with the suds, daydreaming, not finishing what’s in the sink. She says:  “If you hate it so much do it fast & get it over with!”

• It sounds perfectly reasonable, BUT the girl has already internalized the Toxic RULE from her earliest years of being stifled, forming the rule “If you don’t like it, you have to stay”.  Now mom is changing the rules??? The girl ignores her & keeps drifting.

NOW we put things off because -
Feelings
• it reminds us of how we didn’t get helped as kids. All those ‘little’ abandonments add up to one big pain!
• automatically assume we’ll be abused, or left (A.) if we act on our own behalf
• haven’t learned how to deal with the PP voice that controls the WIC
• we are deeply conflicted – to do or not do, to obey or disobey, to do it our way or theirs, to be separate or stay symbiotic…. and intense inner conflicts leave us paralyzed!
• afraid of ‘hurting’ others’ feelings PR having them be angry at us, AND getting abandoned

Knowledge
• we don’t know what’s actually stopping us (denial)
• we never actually learned process – how to get reach a goal by going thru a series of necessary steps. We look for instant grat, or we make a half-hearted attempt, or we take the least effective steps. When these don’t work we give up, rather than learn what actually works!
• we believe in our deepest being that anything we do has to be perfectly, & not being able to that – we end up doing nothing
• anything we’ve figure out for ourselves is either wrong or not of any value (crap)
• don’t know how to do something AND can’t ask for help, OR feel like we have no one to ask
being afraid of what we’ll find out (outcome of a job interview, medical tests, how much is -or isn’t- in the bank…)

NEXT: “Putting things off” Part 2

ACoAs – NOT allowed to RECEIVE (Part 3)

NOTHING IS FREE!
I know I’m going have to pay a high price!

Previous: Not allowed to Receive
Reminder: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

WHY ACoAs can’t TAKE in anything positive
1. ABOUT US (our assumptions) – Part 1 & 2

2. ABOUT OTHERS
• ACoAs project onto others all the overt & covert experiences we had with our dysfunctional parents (see list of assumptions in Part 1). Since they were depressed, incompetent, careless, demanding, controlling, violent, crazy or absent  – we unconsciously assume everyone else in the whole world is like that too – even tho as adult we have definitely seen, heard of or met capable, functional people. Emotionally, we simply ignore this knowledge & automatically react to everyone as if they’re a carbon copy our family.

a. Actually, any people we run across will not be like our family, yet we treat everyone the same. Such people will be confused by the way we act & react to them. They inwardly just shake their heads & stay away!
b. More commonly, because ACoAs are talented at sniffing out people who indeed are similar to our background – we feel pulled to them, drawn in by their familiar dysfunctonality. All the while wanting, expecting, even demanding to have a different kind of interaction with them – better, more satisfying!
• We try to create a different outcome because we think it was somehow our fault that family relationships didn’t work out – & therefore we can change it, fix it, even if it has to be with substitutes! This is clearly impossible, but we keep trying – until we ‘get it’ that we didn’t cause the original problems and that we’re powerless to change others.

Therefore WE BELIEVE THAT:

a. On the one hand:
• because of the alcoholic Law of Scarcity, everyone is hiding the ‘truth’ that there’s not enough to go around (their glass is half-full or less), so they have nothing to spare – for us. We can’t expect anything, so why bother asking —
• therefore, everyone is as needy as we (secretly) are, so they’re always going to want too much from us – more than we can possibly give. If we let our guard down even a little by engaging in any kind of exchange, they’ll suck us dry

• no one is naturally generous & therefore no one gives freely – everyone has an ulterior motive – to use us for their benefit only. When people volunteer anything that seems good, we have to be on guard & figure out why they’re offering, or what they really want
• no one is safe or trustworthy. Better to not take anything so we don’t have to give anything back. To give even a little is to lose everything (ourselves)
• we can’t accept any favors, because we won’t be able to reciprocate sufficiently & then we’ll be punished for not providing exactly what they need or want (by reading their mind), just like in our family. Better to not let ourselves be vulnerable, & keep everyone at arm’s length

REALITY: Most people do not want your first-born child. They do want at least a modicum of acknowledgment, respect & pleasantness. Most will definitely appreciate a hello, a thank you, a smile, maybe some light conversation. ACoAs would do well to allow ourselves to develop small talk, a legitimate social lubricant, as it’s not appropriate to always lay a heavy trip on everyone we meet! Save that for your journal, therapy, BFFs & Program. But it’s also not ‘normal’ to have nothing to say.

b. On the other hand:
• In order to stay alive (since we feel so worthless or evil that we should be dead) we have to do, be & give whatever others want of us. That’s the only way we can get anything for ourselves – but indirectly.
Then how DO we get any of our needs met? Remember, our needs are legitimate, but how we deal with them is often harmful. WE:
i. Manipulate others
– control, bully, out-smart, out-think everyone around us
– use sexual attraction, great salesmanship & charm
– OR be so weak & needy that others feel sorry for us

• Since we’re not allowed to ask for anything outright (god forbid!), most ACoAs trudge thru life in long-suffering limbo — desperately hoping someone will figure out what we want or need & give us a crumb or two.  CODA points out that we stay in bad relationships because of the scraps of attention unhealthy people throw us – just enough to keep us hooked. So when we finally do leave – we have ‘crumb withdrawal’!
For exp: Many of us are afraid to initiate conversation, sexual activity, physical contact, playfulness, gathering information (asking about another’s life)…. because we were taught it would be impolite, invasive, presumptuous & insensitive – leaving us forever at the mercy of whoever we’re with!

ii. Self-Sabotage – which is our WIC playing a sneaky self-destructive life-game with the PP : “I know I’m not supposed to have anything, but I still have needs (my bad), so I’ll make a sideways effort get a little something, but it’ll all be harmful so it won’t really count. With one hand I’ll be defying you, while obeying you with the other.”

• To play this game, we unconsciously make sure that most of what we pursue & stick with follow the Toxic Rules, by –
– not actually fulfilling our fundamental, long neglected needs & rights
– choosing substances, types of people, careers or locations… that ultimately damage us. Our choices may seem exciting for a while,  because they’re illicit, but their destructive qualities insure that we are being punished for even trying to take care of ourselves, however poorly.
For exp: Staying with harmful, selfish or ineffectual people who drain us, make us feel worthless, prolonging our sense of isolation & hopelessness

NEXT: ACoAs – What to receive or not

‘Controlling’ & Abandonment (Part 1)

 

I NEVER GOT WHAT I NEEDED –
so now I force it out of others!

PREVIOUS: Purpose of Emotions – Motivation

REVIEW Posts: ‘Abandonment Pain, Now’ and ‘Negative Introject’

REMINDER: Go to Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

ABANDONMENT (A.) as SOURCE of Control Issues
• To understand getting controlled or acting controlling, we have to know the underpinnings. Both are caused by our original abandonment experiences.  In common usage, a person is said to be A. when someone physically leaves us – moving away, a break-up, divorce, long or repeated hospitalizations, death…..

However, based on ACoA experience we know this definition is too limited. When we observe little kids – ours or others – we notice how very needy they are.  This is perfectly normal, in spite of what we ACoAs were told growing up = that we were too much, too selfish, a bother, too sensitive, dramatic …. We got the clear message that at best we were being tolerated!

• A broader & more accurate definition of Abandonment is: “Not getting enough of our needs met in childhood”.  This includes all needs on each of the 4 levels of PMES – Physical, Mental, Emotional & Spiritual. We can also say that A. is not being loved unconditionally, with the resulting loss of genuine connection so crucial to a child’s sense of well-being & safety.

• Picture all children as having 100 different needs in each of the PMES categories (total 400 – an arbitrary number, as an example). Then consider the reality that in a severely dysfunctional family each kid only gets a small percentage of those needs met – just enough to survive. Of course some of us got more, while others didn’t even get that much & have died too young as a result!  Depending on birth order, gender & astro-sign*, different siblings received differing amounts in each category. But over all, let’s say that we were only provided with 30 – 40% of our normal human needs – when we were the most fragile & in need of great care.

*Whether we believe in the value/legitimacy of astrological signs – or not – children are very often favored because their ‘native personality’ is similar to the parent, or rejected by the narcissists because the child was not like them! This will clearly show up in astro-charts.
Exp: A Gemini father who incested each of his children (total of 5 boys & girls) was slightly less abusive towards the one child who was also a Gemini.  This son is the only sibling who was able to forge a decent life for himself (becoming a doctor), but not without emotional scars. All the others became addicts, severe under-achievers &/or criminals.

• Every need that consistently goes unmet – is ignored, or worse yet, punished – creates intense fear and shame in children. Total dependence on their caretakers make them very vulnerable, so too much deprivation will feel life-threatening, & in some cases is!  The longer the lack continues throughout childhood, the more the terror & helplessness grow. With no validation & nowhere to process the emotional pain, it all goes underground & slowly eats away at us. Toxic Beliefs then get ingrained : “I’m not allowed to want anything and I’ll never get what I need – ever!”, “Don’t FEEL!” and “Being close is dangerous”!

• When we combine these Toxic Beliefs with a great backlog of unmet needs we’re left with an overwhelming desperation to be ‘fed’ by someone, anyone – along with the deep hopelessness of it ever happening. Pretending we don’t have needs or suppressing our awareness of them does not make them go away. So we push them into our ‘shadow’*, which is made up of all those parts we believe to be so awful that we have to deny their very existence. Only filling needs will diminish them, like eating stops the feeling of physical hunger, but in both cases the needs come back & have to be regularly replenished.

SHADOW* (from Wikipedia) In Jungian psychology the shadow aspect is a part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, instincts & shortcomings…. “Everyone carries a shadow,” Jung wrote, “and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. It may be (in part) one’s link to more primitive animal instincts, which are superseded during early childhood by the conscious mind”

*Combining our Toxic Beliefs with a great backlog of unmet needs has left us with an overwhelming desperation to be ‘fed’ by someone, anyone – along with the deep hopelessness of it ever happening. Pretending we don’t have needs, or suppressing our awareness of them does not make them go away. So they get pushed into our ‘shadow’, made up of all those parts we believe to be too awful to admit to. Only filling needs diminishes them, like eating stops the feeling of physical hunger – but in both cases, the needs come back & have to be regularly replenished. Ignoring them just weakens us.

➼ Unfortunately for us, ACoAs not only relegate our ‘unpleasant’ aspects (such as the ‘7 Deadly Sins’) to the shadow side BUT also many of our good qualities – parts of ourselves that were not allowed in our family! We become terrified of these aspects & actively do anything to keep them at bay, using a wide variety of defenses & addictions.  The more we suppress those legitimate needs the more anxiety builds up. Sooner or later they leak out or erupt in distorted ways, like being clingy, invisible, manipulative, irresponsible, vague, needy….. AND/ OR
controlling, mean, demanding, domineering, promiscuous, pushy…

IRONY: The more we deny our legitimate needs and natural qualities – the needier (& meaner) we get!

NEXT: Controlling & A. (Part 2)

People Should Treat Me Better – But I Won’t Let Them

 

ACoA DOUBLE BINDS  -
Either way we lose ourselves, to stay loyal to the family

PREVIOUS: “What others think of me is None of my Business”

READ about Double binds at http://www.acoarecovery.com, pg. 10.

ACoAs have a terrible dilemma :
1. On the one hand we desperately want to be loved, acknowledged, seen, heard. We complain bitterly for years that we have to chase people down, do all the work in relationships, friends don’t come thru for us, we’re too isolated, hate being lonely, we can’t trust anyone…
You know what kids used to say: ”No one loves me, everyone hates me,  I’m going to eat worms & die!” (See Toxic Rules)

Because we’re not allowed to be loved, comfortable and comforted, happy, thriving… we chase after those few who don’t want us at all, &/or are unavailable in some way, even if there was an initial attraction.  They let us know in a 1000 ways they’re not really able to connect (because of their self-hate & fear of intimacy) – but we don’t want to deal with that info, even when we hear it!

✶ The real reason for chasing the ‘impossible dream’ is that these unavailables are parent substitutes.  Our parents gave us the message we were too much trouble, not worth bothering with, in their way, messy, greedy, unruly pain in the a–es.  We couldn’t live with that. We had to figure out a way to win them over, to love us, if only we knew how to fix ourselves & them.  BUT we never did.

✶ So now, with the current unavailables – this time we’ll get them, this time we’ll win – if only we’re perfect & persistent enough. OY!  (“Perfectionism”, pg. 21, from site map)

2. On the other hand, we’re terrified of getting too much attention, are 
uncomfortable with compliments, don’t want to ‘put anyone out’, can’t accept being given to. We think (conscious or unconscious):
a. I don’t deserve good things. After all, my family wasn’t that nice to me & they knew me best. So, when anyone gets to know me they’ll be disgusted & leave.
b. If someone likes me they’re stupid, weak, needy (no one I’d want to be with) because they’re too dumb to know I’m not worth liking

c. OR they’re conning me, being polite, people-pleasing – & then just when I start enjoying things they’ll leave or want something I don’t have.  Sooner or later the real them will show up & I’ll be disappointed – again
d. I don’t want to owe anyone – no one gives anything for free, everyone has an agenda…
e. If I admit I want to be liked & given to, then I’m the weak one & that 
disgusts me. I’d rather be alone than be that vulnerable

f. People are just trying to control me by being nice, so they can get what they want, & make me do things their way… 
  ACoAs will jump back & forth between opposites – BUT only Negative ones –
✶ either be too alone or chase people who aren’t interested / abuse them
✶ isolate for years or stay way too long with the wrong people
✶ keep hurting themselves & then find some addiction (not always a chemical) to dull the pain
✶ hate themselves for being too much or for not being enough
✶ act out Victim Role or act out Perpetrator role (aggressor, abuser) ….

WHY WE STAY IN THE OLD PATTERN (even IF we know better)
✶  Loyalty to the family & it’s system (still think we need them)
✶ Don’t want to disobey the Toxic rules : they represent our connection to home AND we don’t want to be punished AND if we obey them, the family will love / accept us
✶ MOST OF ALL : we don’t want to ‘get depressed’ ie. feel all that pain (sad, lonely, terror, hopeless, rage, powerless… ) of our parents not loving us the way we needed. We knew the truth back then but it was too much to bear & we didn’t have many options, so we stuffed it down.

SO, NOW : If we give up our fantasies & illusions about the unavailables  – and walk away -  we’ll get flooded by that accumulated old pain! If we know what it is we can manage it better.  “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”

It takes quite a bit of recovery (growing a Loving Inner Parent) to be able to tolerate feeling that awful hurt! & still be ok. With enough time & the right kind of support, we can go through it KNOWING that it was NOT our fault that our family (& others) couldn’t love us, & that now it’s OK to LET LOVE IN, today & every day from now on.

NEXT: Rescuing = False Helping

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 3)

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY
but first I have to clean out the damage

PREVIOUS: Why ACoAs hate Emotions

BOOK: Emotional Intelligence, by Goleman, 1995 “…..what it means to be smart”

CHECKLIST
ACoAs are often CONFUSED, because –
– of our conflicting Es: old vs. current, WIC vs Adult, PP vs Adult…
– we confuse Es with thoughts/ beliefs, usually Toxic one, because we use the word “FEEL” to mean both (see ‘Feelings aren’t facts’)
– mix Es with normal human needs, which we’re deeply ashamed of
– we don’t even know what our RIGHTS are, or what ‘normal’ is, much less have permission to act on them

THEREFORE – it can be hard to figure out whether our strong emotional reactions are appropriate for a present-day event OR coming from an old wound. Usually it’s both. The good news is that as we heal & develop our “Unit” we can begin to tell the difference more easily & more often.
Whenever we’re obsessing (mentally ruminating about a hurt), start by writing down – briefly – an outline of the situation. Then we can ask ourselves some ‘look inside’ Qs to see what’s behind our reaction.

1. Which Toxic Rule is in play? (all have turned into self-destructive patterns, also called character defects)
Exp: “If I don’t like it, I have to stay” becomes passivity
2. Which of my WIC’s unmet needs am I re-experiencing?
Exp: Being constantly ignored or punished for trying to get attention

3. What am I thinking about this situation?
Exp: “They’re never going to call / write back”, “I’m unlovable”
4. Which of my old buttons is getting activated? — A ‘button’ is an emotional sore spot from things your family & others consistently did to you &/or to each other – that hurt you
Exp: Being accused wrongly / being shushed

5. Which ego state is likely in charge at the moment (WIC or PP) ?
6. If I’m acting out, which parent am I copying & how?
7. What am I most afraid of in this situation? (FoA, punishment, isolation, not being heard…)
➼ Use the info in other posts to help you answer these Qs.

Down side of some ‘New Age’ ideas
• Those of us brought up on religious, new age or other spiritual teachings that tells us to always be positive (“Be happy, don’t worry”) have found it impossible to live up to.  It has left us hating ourselves more, feeling desolate & hopeless of ever ‘getting there’. What they often don’t acknowledge is that we need to allow our human side to heal & be nurtured first, before we can aspire to be ‘serene’!

• While we certainly do aim for a balanced & peaceful emotional life, it’s not healthy – OR successful – to just cover painful emotions & harmful beliefs / thoughts with a bunch of platitudes & ‘positive thinking’, without first cleaning out old Es accumulated from as far back as childhood

• Charles Whitfield, MD has provided a useful image:
Take a basket of delicious fruit & let it sit for a long time until they rot. Someone comes along & says – “Ugh, that’s gross.  Let’s put some fresh fruit in there. It’ll look & smell so much better!”  So you do that & everything is fine – for a while. After all, it sounded like a good idea, & they were offering it for free.  BUT you added the beautiful fruit on top of the rotted ones without cleaning the basket out first

Q: What will happen to the new food?
A: After a while the fresh ones will start to rot from underneath!
Obvious? It seems not, since that’s exactly what many people do when they try to layer new ‘positive’ ideas & attitudes on top of all their emotional damage & cognitive distortions. They think they can escape the hard work of Recovery & still be ok!
Human Beings are like that basket – originally holding precious, wonderful qualities & potential. But to survive we had to create a False Self, added Toxic Rules & mixed in a lot of S-H.

➼ In Recovery we gradually ‘take out the garbage’ of our past, replacing it with the ‘good stuff’ we’ve been told about, so it doesn’t get contaminated!  As our Healthy Adult takes charge we start protecting ourselves, while being respectful towards others. We can be can be forceful but clear, getting to the point, asking for what we want. We just don’t have to be rude aggressive.
Practice making declarative sentences so you don’t beat around the bush
You can say “I know he’s being disrespectful”, instead of “I feel that he’s not respecting me” – which sounds like it’s only your opinion rather than what’s actually happening.

HEALING: When we’re emotionally in pain, the FIRST thing to do for our WIC is comfort him or her. Sometimes that’s all that is needed at the moment. Only then can we start asking the above Checklist Qs.
We must develop the permission to have all our emotions, our human qualities & requirements.  We also need to receive validation (cognitive) & comfort (emotional) from as many people & for as long as we need them – as well as from our Higher Power. These responses heal enough of our old wounds so we can tolerate the intensity of those emotions as we re-experience them in Recovery – a little at a time. LOVE HEALS!

NEXT: Purpose of Emotions – Survival

WHAT is GUILT?

  

I PLEAD GUILTY !
Since everything is about ME (isn’t it?)
- it must be me, I’m always wrong

Previous: Healthy Helping

Guilt is not a primary emotion, like anger, joy, sadness… But it is one of the most intense & often-felt emotions by ACoAs.  It is a familiar companion of negative self-talk & to actions we believe to be bad, but may not be.

• Guilt is connected to self-hate: since our default position is that we’re intrinsically bad, anything & everything that goes wrong for us is OUR FAULT. This leads to perfectionism – the obsession about being soooo good, without flaws – that we’ll finally be loved, accepted, understood…  BY WHOM? Of course – our family — & then everyone else in the whole world !

(This self-hate assumption is never supposed to be questioned & is very hard to give up, even when we ‘know better’ – because it makes us feel less vulnerable, a little more powerful! After all, if “it’s my fault, then it’s in my control – so I can fix it, change something in me or in the other person – to make it all better”!)
SO:
1. Guilt is an emotion – generated by ↩
2. Breaking a law or rule – of ↩
3. Society, government, religion, community, school or family.
4. What category of rules do we most often break, when we’re feeling guilty?  FAMILY RULES !  (Expl: “If you don’t like it you have to stay!”)
Therefore – guilt is caused by any thought or action which represents disobedience to rules we internalized as kids.  Guilt is about what we DO.

IMPORTANT to remember:
• we don’t have to consciously agree with the rule – but the WIC has to believe it applies to it, no matter how much we may hate it or intellectually know better.
• most ACoAs don’t even realize we’ve absorbed those toxic rules & are
automatically obeying them (pg. 22 vs pg. 65) – but we can tell by our life patterns. They’re things we do over & over, automatically.
✶ If the family rules were healthy, we would be doing positive, self-esteeming things, most of the time.
✶ If the rules were unhealthy, we act on them in ways which hurt ourselves and others, on a regular basis.

EXAMPLES: We feel guilty for
• not making our parents, friends, lovers, children… happy
• making anyone angry at us, no matter what the reason
• not being able to stop someone from drinking, drugging, or doing other self-destructive things
• standing up for our rights, needs, tastes… (we think it’s selfish & that we’re being confrontational)
• getting sick, being tired, not wanting to do something …
• taking time for ourselves, needing down time, taking a vacation
• for not knowing something or taking a long time to learn things (we have so many ‘shoulds’)
• having need, desires, our own opinions, likes & dislikes
• not being smarter, more sociable, more successful, more outgoing…

5. PURPOSE of Guilt:
➼ To make us go back to obeying the law or rule we broke.  Being able to feel guilt is a natural & positive thing.  It’s built into our psyche, like the ability to love. People who are devoid of guilt are called sociopaths / psychopaths.  The issue for most ACoAs is that we feel guilty about things that are not actually bad – like having needs, or emotions !

6. RESULTs of breaking Family Rules:
✧ Internal Backlash, in the form of – yes, guilt – but also: getting sick, feeling depressed, heightened anxiety, panic attacks, being irritable…
✧ External Backlash – possibly from family, if you’re in contact with them, since they want you to ‘stick to the plan’ & not abandon them by being different. Also from friends, bosses, mates, even children – for the same reason – they’re used to you the ‘old’ way & don’t want to make any changes in themselves to accommodate our growth!
   

OK, so WHAT IF we :
● identify the TOXIC family rules we’ve internalized
● decide that obeying those rules actually prevents our recovery process
● that in order to heal & grow, we have to stop obeying those rules    ——–What should we expect?

7. HEALTH: Yes, at the very least, the painful emotion of guilt.  But:
✶ This time – the guilt is a SIGNAL that we’re doing something good for ourselves.  Since we don’t want to return to obeying the toxic rules, we need to THINK differently about our actions, & say to ourselves:
“This emotion is actually a signal that I’m on the right track – when I’m doing the opposite of what I learned as a child, I’m doing something healthy by NOT obeying a harmful rule, so YEAH!”
✶ If we continue to dis-obey toxic rules, the guilt will eventually diminish & perhaps even go away completely. So, it’s imperative that we tolerate this kind of guilt and other kinds of backlash, in the short-term, & continue thinking & acting in self-esteeming / self-empowering ways, even in the face of opposition.

✶ Because this process is stressful, we need the right kinds of supportive people in our life, to encourage, correct confusing thoughts, reinforce our resolve & laud our progress. A long as the support is positive, it can come from anywhere – clergy, healthy family members, friends, therapy, books, internet, 12-step meetings, rehab for co-dependence, spiritual disciplines…
✶ When we repeat new, healthy actions, we form new pathways in the brain which then make it easier & more natural to be comfortable &  successful in all aspects of our lives.

NEXT: Parental Blame

ACoAs: Deserving vs. Rights (Part 1)

I’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH
to get the love I want

PREVIOUS:

REVIEW posts: “Self-Hate & ACoAs”
“People should treat me better, but….”

DEFINITION of ‘Deserving’ *
– To be given something / to have earned as a right / be entitled to / worthy of – something good or bad, based on one’s actions
– OR: receiving a benefit because of the qualities one already has, something one has a right to by birth, or are qualified for
* It always carries a sense of balance or justice.

1. The PROBLEM of NOT deserving
a. Family
In dysfunctional families ‘deserving’ ONLY refers to earning & our family did not feel worthy, rigidly held in place by low self-esteem (S-H), depression, a deprivation mentality & lack of love.
b. ‘Spiritual’
Many religions teach us to feel ashamed, guilty & unworthy. Rigid non-Bible teachings instill guilt & control by fear, and anyone from a fundamentalist faith was taught that because we were born in sin “we are not worthy” of God’s love, period.  We are bad, bad, bad! This dogma is used as a way to control & discipline children, & keep the ‘faithful’ in line.
✶ What is being left out of this teaching is the KEY to the message: that God has given the world many gifts, first & foremost salvation from eternal separation from Him in the afterlife, in spite of our imperfections. We did not and cannot EARN grace or any of life’s benefits & beauty – they are simply here for us to enjoy & partake of! The meaning of ‘grace’ is unmerited favor! You may be interested in reading all the lyrics to “Amazing Grace”,  a universally beloved song even by the non-religious

– Some of us no longer consciously agree with the concept of original sin, BUT, whatever our personal belief is now – as long as we live our lives from the assumption that we don’t deserve good things, we’re agreeing with an introjected bad voice that still has us trapped in a culture which has perverted the complete & accurate meaning of the spiritual teaching
– Some of us were not raised in any specific faith, so our sense of unworthiness would have developed mainly from unhappy & cruel interactions with parents & community. 

OUR

DAMAGE
ACoAs often say we feel UNdeserving of all kinds of things:
• we were taught by our religion & our family that asking for what we want & need is ‘selfish, sinful, arrogant, childish’…..
• we were discouraged from improving ourselves beyond what our parents are or have accomplished, as if it would somehow diminish them (show them up). Actually, healthy parents (& some immigrants) want the opposite – for their kids to do better than themselves & be the very best they are capable of!

• other people (sometimes even our siblings) were clearly allowed to have good things – but not us, especially if we were scapegoated in our family
• many of us don’t even deserve to be alive, which we concluded –
– indirectly by being constantly put down & criticized
– directly from the messages about how they felt:  “You’ll be the death of me yet”, “Why did I have to have a kid like you”, “I never wanted kids anyway”, “You’re killing your mother/ father” , “You ruined my life”….

ACoAs DON’T DESERVE
 – the BASICS:
• be ourselves, have clear & strong opinions
• feel safe, respect as a person & for our opinion
• have all of our emotions, without judgement
• be competent, functional, clever, visible
• have & maintain our boundaries, say ‘no!’
• be talented, funny, creative, imaginative, intuitive
• be center stage, shine, get attention, admiration, recognition, complements

BEING HUMAN:
• to make mistakes, not know or be good at everything,
• not like everything & even hate some things
• have fun, relaxation, vacations, ‘veg time’
• take care of our needs, be self motivating
• object to all forms of mistreatment
• not rescue or people-please
• be healthy, clear thinking, emotionally sane, sober
• maintain our boundaries, say ‘no!’….

Since these are things which no child can earn (the adults either are capable or not capable of providing, which has nothing to do with the child) it means we were given love conditionally, if at all : “do what we want, be what we want – then you’re ok, then you’ll deserve our love & attention”. But no matter how hard we tired to please our parents, we could never deserve – what is every child’s birthright – just for being here!  This left us in a double bind & ultimately hopeless.

NEXT: Deserving vs. Rights (Part 2)