What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 3)

YOU NEVER ADMIT
what’s really going on!

Previous: What is E. A.? (part 1)
REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

TYPES of E.A.,  cont.  (P. = Perpetrator  /   V. = Victim)
NEGATING
a. Denying
• negates your emotional needs, especially when you’re in great pain (of any kind), with the intention of hurting, punishing or humiliating
• is withholding – withdraws emotionally, refuses to listen or to communicate by giving the silent treatment, as punishment
• disallows and overrules your viewpoints, perceptions or feelings that differ from their own
• refuses to consider your request to be treated better

b. Invalidating
• refuses to acknowledge reality by denying that specific events actually happened
• negates your perceptions, memory & even your sanity by invalidating your feelings & experiences
• tries to distort, undermine & invalidate your perceptions of the world
Exp: Telling a P. you don’t like that they called you a bad name, they may insist : “I never said that”,  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,”… or
If you say you felt hurt by something they did or said, they’ll sneer :
“Geeze, I was just kidding! That shouldn’t bother you. That’s your problem. You’re too sensitive…”
P.S. A possible counter: “Well, you’re not sensitive enough!”

c. Minimizing
• A less extreme form of invalidation : The P. may not deny that a particular event occurred, but will downplay the severity of an abusive episode and question the the validity of your emotional experience or reaction to that event
• Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion”, “You made that up”  – all indirectly say your perceptions are faulty & not to be trusted

d. Trivializing
• An even more subtle form of denying, when Ps underplay their own behavior while telling you that you actions, thoughts & feelings are not important or legitimate  (don’t make sense)
• The P suggests that what you have done or communicated is trivial, stupid, unimportant & not worth bother with

UNPREDICTABILITY
a. Of Responses
• P. has drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts
• is maddeningly inconsistent – unpredictably, irrationally changes how they react to you or your normal behaviors, says one thing one day & the opposite the next, likes what you do one day & hates it the next…
• you never know what’s expected of you
• you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop
• you have to stay hyper-vigilant so you know when to ‘duck’

b. Constant CHAOS
• often starts arguments, disagreement, creates conflicts with you
• P’s ‘addiction to drama’ causes endless upheaval for everyone
• P. makes promises you depend on, but they rarely come thru
• changes plans or ‘rules’ at the last-minute, without informing you
• you never know what to expect, what’s real or what’s ‘safe’

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
• P. puts unreasonable demands on your time, energy, space, money…..then berates you for not fulfilling all their needs
• demands constant attention, to spend all your free time with them, & expects you to put aside your tasks & down-time to focus on them
• no matter how much you give, it’s never enough
• says you’ve stupid but expects you to be lawyer, doctor, parent, lover….
• accuses you of being selfish if you don’t do exactly what they want

WITHHOLDING
• love, affection, approval, appreciation, validation
• gives the silent treatment, leaves out important information you need
• won’t say where they’re going or what they’re doing
• never gives praise or shows appreciation for you efforts
• doesn’t pay attention to or help with everyday ‘little things’
• never shows concern, won’t offer to protect or watch out for your safely (have your back)

Some Results
Overall, long-term abuse creates ‘learned helplessness‘  (Read more…)
• you lose respect for yourself   • your self-esteem erodes  • often get sick
• always on edge, anxious, off-balance   • become hopeless & depressed
• question & mistrust your own perceptions & opinions – losing all confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind

Antidote to E.A.
No one can take in love when they’re scared all the time! (See
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs ).  And we won’t ever feel safe if we:
a. choose and then stay with abusers
b. stay shut down on our emotions, or over-react to every event

• The best defense is to become aware of what to look for (T) AND then to stay awake to our physical reactions that tell us how we’re feeling (E).
That’s why being in touch with our feelings, intuition & every nuance of emotion is so vital : paying attention to our inner responses allows us to know when who or what we encounter is appropriate or inappropriate – for us. Then we can act accordingly, to make our world easier to cope with. ACoAs need to feel safe before we can take in Love.

• As we clean out old pain we gain a clearer channel to our True Self, which includes having legitimate, in-the-moment interactions with our environment. Like having the ‘Ick Factor’ – that little jolt in the gut when we’re with a person that says or acts in away that is wrong for us. Whenever we experience that ICK with someone, and we’re awake to it, we need to say something, ask what they meant or say ouch! If you’ve spent a few days, weeks or months with them & they’re unable or unwilling to change, it’s time to curtail or eliminate the relationship.

NEXT: Characteristics of Abusers

ACoAs UNDER-Trusting (Part 1)

 

ALWAYS KEEP ONE EYE OPEN –
you never know where danger will come from!

PREVIOUS: OVER-Trusting (Part 2)

REVIEW post: ‘What is Shame’

Mistrust
is suspicion, SO the lack of trust rests in oneself, by using ones intuition, observation, experience…. resulting in a general sense of unease toward someone or something, but without proof (yet)
– when you have no reason to think someone will do the wrong thing, but you don’t have a reason to trust them either.
– OR: person or situation seem questionable, perhaps you intuition is picking up a hint from their words, action or manner
– OR: there’s actually no reason to be suspicious, so your mistrust is not deserved

Distrust
is certainty, SO the lack of trust rests in ‘them’
– when you have good reason to not trust someone based on your experiences with them, usually more than once
– are given reliable information about someone or something which lets you know they’re not safe / trustworthy

AS ADULTS (cont.) – UNDER-Trusting
The way we think (CDs) & react emotionally (FoA) to how others behave has a direct impact on our lack of trust.  We need to see & understand who people are individually & not just lump them together as all bad or unsafe.

Some people –
•  are simply not interested in us – nothing personal – we’re just not a good fit, or they’re caught up in their own little world
•  really are insensitive, mean or otherwise unavailable, which hurts
•  are just taking care of themselves instead of focusing on us – at the moment, so it feels like they’re turning their back, because we’re expecting them to be the good Inner Parent as our comforter & companion

Without a Healthy Adult ego-state the WIC we can’t tell the difference between these 3 groups – so when disappointed, we regress into that old ‘slough of despair” (Pilgrim’s Progress), where “all is cloudy, hopeless & no one is ‘good’!”

WHY ACoAs DON’T TRUST
Abandonment (loss)
In spite of the fact that we were raised by untrustworthy people & still long to be taken care of, as adults WE:
– continue to cling to people, places & situations which DO NOT have to the inherent capacity to provide even our most basic human needs, much less compensate for all we missed out on in childhood.  The combined deprivation adds up, which can be deadly to us & to those around us. The less we’re treated with respect, more abandoned we feel, the more wounded we get, the more demanding the WIC becomes – getting angrier & angrier.

When this core button is pushed we may use familiar character defects:
• withdraw, sulk, withhold          • be paranoid & accusatory
• get controlling & micromanage     • be clingy & desperate
AND when our anxiety reaches a level of hysteria we can’t stop ourselves from making a painful situation worse, setting others up to fight with or withdraw from us, increasing our sense of loss & mistrust. Then we say “I knew it all along – no one is there for me!” even tho in some case we contributed to it

Self-Hate
As a result of original abandonment, WE:
Internally:
– don’t know who we are, fundamentally
– can’t identify most our needs (even the basic, normal human ones) much less have the right to get them met
– are convinced we don’t deserve to be treated well, so don’t notice or reject anyone who is actually capable of being kind
– don’t trust our own knowledge, experience & observations

Externally:
– we stay too long with unhealthy people
– don’t trust that anyone will ever be able or willing to help us
THEN – we say “I hate everyone, no one likes me, I don’t belong anywhere”….

NEXT: Under-Trusting (Part 2)

Unrealistic Expectations – UNDER

 

YOU MEAN I’M ALLOWED?
I can really ask for what I need AND get it?

PREVIOUS: Unrealistic Expectations – OVER (Part 2)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

IRONY (see last 2 posts)
There are many things ACoAs do not expect WHICH WE SHOULD!  In reality…
… we all need images (dreams, goals) of that is possible for us, which are supposed to be formed in childhood, by watching our family accomplish their goals, & thru school, friends, books, TV…
… without those images (possibilities) – we don’t have something ‘concrete’ to work towards, using process.  Goals have to start with a mental picture of what we want to accomplish or receive, in order for us to pursue them.

✶ But for ACoAs – Some have dreams, but they’re not allowed
We know what we’d like to do, when we “grow up” – but are just too scared to go for it.  What IF : I’m not good enough, I fall flat on my face, I don’t have the talent, I can’t follow thru, or mess it up some other way… AND the PP is saying “Who do you think you are, anyway?
OR, we don’t think we have any dreams
We’re so beaten down by the traumas of childhood we don’t even dare picture what we might try for. We can’t go after anything that would be important to us – we just drift & do whatever we fall into. We can’t imagine having our dreams come true.

➼ ACoAs UNDER-EXPECT basic human rights, which were denied us as kids. NOW we can look for appropriate treatment from everyone. We know that not everyone is capable, so it’s important to “Stick with the winners”!  We need to keep away from, or severely limit, our contact with people who are too damaged to treat us with at least a minimum of courtesy. Not everyone will like or love us. That’s normal. But we can gravitate towards those who will!

So, we have a RIGHT to EXPECT -

1. FROM LIFE
a. The right to BE here
• to be safe in the world & to be comfortable in our skin
• to have our own dreams, to follow them & be successful
• to get to know ourselves, thoroughly & like who we are
• to heal from our childhood damage
• to get the help we need in any situation
• to have as full a life as possible

b. The right to be WHO we are
• to be happy, feel pleasure, be drama-free
• to express our creativity, in whatever form
• to have a safe, loving Higher Power
• to have a full support system, for healing and for fun
• to be part of a community of our peers
• to be acknowledged for our innate abilities, our learned skills & our actual achievements

We have a RIGHT to EXPECT -

2. FROM OTHER PEOPLE, that they:
a. treat us with respect  (not use us!)
• able to listen to us, be present, be thoughtful
• are ok with all our emotions (crying, anger, sadness…)
• take us seriously – not make fun of us, dismiss us in any way
• tell the truth (not lie), be forthcoming
• talk to us as adults, at the very least with civility

b. have (some) mental health
• sobriety: chemical, mental & emotional (but not perfect)
• not be physically & mentally abusive
• have their own money, living space, career/ work they like…
• capable of intimacy, honesty, enjoyment
• have a spiritual belief (if it’s important to us)
• know how to act in public, be sociable (not withdrawn)
• have decent boundaries, know how to communicate

c. have the capacity to love (already)
• be supportive, encouraging, helpful
• see the real us, value who we are
• able to commit to us, but not be symbiotic
• be loyal, sexually faithful
• admire us without being jealous
• want the best for us, even if they don’t agree or understand

These are only SOME of the things we SHOULD EXPECT!

➼ REMINDER: In order to believe this & go for it, ACoAs need to imperfectly have:  • greatly reduced self-hate  • developed a rapport with our wounded AND healthy child aspects  •  decent boundaries • a good support system • major detachment from the bad parent voice in our head!

NEXT: 

Unrealistic Expectations – OVER (Part 2)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
you don’t know what I need?

PREVIOUS: Unrealistic Expectations (Part 1)

REVIEW post: “Symbiosis & ACoAs“

What ACoAs SHOULD NOT expect from people – & life (cont.)
B. REGARDING OTHERS
1. Be Rescued: WE WANT too much from others, which is the WIC’s demand that somebody make up for what we didn’t get from our parents. Yes, demand. We know this because of the hurt & rage that comes up when we don’t get the care & attention we’re so desperate long for – but rarely verbalize. The bigger the disappointment, the greater the helpless rage
• This seems obvious with Compliers, by hooking up with Rescuer ACoAs, who will do way too much for the ‘poor helpless victims’

• It’s less obvious with Isolators, who don’t seem to need much, if anything. They have the same longing, if not more so, but are even more afraid & filled with shame to let anyone see how weak & needy they are. So they keep ‘starving’. And waiting – for a miracle – which they don’t deserve & don’t believe will come. But they still wait – instead of getting some of what they need for themselves
• Even harder to see is that Rescuers also want to be rescued.  They’re not allowed to be given to, but under all their care-taking are the intense demands they secretly have of the rescue-ee: “…make me feel valued, needed, smart, appreciated, capable, loved … and most of all – get well so you CAN take care of ME!”

2. Symbiosis: WE WANT / expect others to treat us the way we would treat them (a symbiotic wish). ACoAs will often say “But, I would never do that to them!” or “I don’t understand how she could have said that?!” or “They can’t really be that dumb/ mean / selfish/ careless…” or “I don’t understand how she could not like that!” etc.
• So what? They are not us! It should be obvious, but clearly it’s not: they have separate bodies, separate experiences, separate minds, separate tastes … so why do we still expect them to be like us?!
• When we think that way we’re reacting to people the same way our parents treated us – as extensions of themselves, rather than as separate beings. That’s our narcissism.

3. Mind Reading:  WE WANT / expect that people will automatically know what we need & magically come thru for us, without having to ask for it! We’re not allowed to know what those needs are, & if we do, not allowed to get them met. So – we feel we have to “depend on the kindness of strangers”.  We want them to do things for us that we :
• never learned, & resist doing so now, even tho there’s more help & info available in the world than ever before
• really can do for ourselves, but it would feel too lonely & sad if we did, by reminding us of the original A/A (no one to help)

• are terrified of trying / risking, since we believe we’re too stupid, incompetent, slow…AND what if we fail?
• know it will take a lot of time (process) & we’re impatient. As kids, having to wait usually meant it would never happen. So, don’t ask us to wait – some more!
• have trouble with (meeting our needs) because of a disability, like ADD or dyslexia, depression or other disorders, so we don’t make the effort to learn how to manage these disabilities.  We let them continue to victimize us

4. Control: WE WANT others to be something they aren’t or can’t be ever – or not yet, because they are pushing buttons in us – our damage gets activated & we’re impatient, even desperate.  We’re afraid that if they don’t change we’ll be trapped with them, continuing to be hurt OR have to leave. That puts us in a double bind:
✦ to stay is painful, to leave is painful. However, for most ACoAs, our FoA is greater than our tolerance for unhappiness – so we stay!  Then we may act like
• raging, abusive crazies – as if yelling would get thru to them
• bullying control freaks – trying to make them give us what we want

• sullen, complaining victims – expressing all our childhood powerless & hopeless feelings in the form of passive anger
• punishing, vengeful harpies – probably like one of our parents, to express our extreme frustration and anxiety
• people-pleasers – being overly helpful, solicitous, care-taking to insure we’ll be indispensable, so they’ll never leave …..
➼  We are not fundamentally any of these things, but when our PP & WIC get activated, we act out all our unprocessed pain

So we (silently or loudly) WAIT & WAIT, all the time desperate & in a panic. When they don’t take care of us, we hate them for not coming thru BUT also blame ourselves for not being good enough to deserve it. We get depressed, ashamed, resentful & even more hopeless. We say: “I knew it. No one can be trusted”!  or “See, the universe doesn’t want me to have anything!”  Can you hear the kid screaming?

5. Of Relationships – WE WANT people we like to like us back, regardless
• we think we’ll be able to win over that one person in the room who is giving us the cold shoulder
• that someone we feel deeply connected to will be our friend, mate, mentor… always & forever, as long as we’re both alive
• that the party, event, date, trip… with someone we love – will turn out exactly the way we fantasize / plan it to be – usually without letting the other person know what we’re expecting/ wanting!

• that someone will do what they said they would – for sure!, like, call us back, bring us something they promised, keep their word, help us out, give us some info we need… (a lot of people say they’ll do things & maybe mean it at the time, but maybe they’re just people-pleasing, or they forget, or change their mind, or get too busy)
• that if a new acquaintance is very friendly, & we spent a nice time together, once or twice, that they will make an effort to continue the association (It just doesn’t happen with some people – & it’s no ones fault!)

6. TIME: See post on unrealistic expectations about how long things should take, both too long & not long enough – “ACoAs & TIME”, 1 & 2

NEXT: Unrealistic Expectations – UNDER

Unrealistic Expectations – OVER (Part 1)

 

I DEMAND MAGIC!
After all, reality bites, doesn’t it?

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Boundary Invasion

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

ACoA IRONY
POINT 1: On the one hand - ACoAs concluded that we can’t be anything, can’t have anything, can’t get anywhere! As a result of years of suffering, a deep part of us gave up early in life: “What’s the use, I should be dead anyway”.

➼ A reminder about Abuse & Abandonment (A/A)
• Coming from THEM: A/A may or may not have been deliberate but was very real (not our imagination), & the effects last a lifetime.  We didn’t get nurtured, had to raise ourselves, look after younger siblings & be there for our parents! AND got all sorts of abused – things that no child should ever have to endure!
• For US to deal with: A/A happened on all 4 PMES levels – Physical, Emotional, Mental, Spiritual – NOT just about someone going away, so we have to work on healing aspects of each one, from going to the bathroom  to our relationship with a H.P.

POINT 2: On the other hand -  ACoAs want everything done for us.
Because we experienced so much hurt & loss as kids – we want it to be made up to us, one way or another. To compensate we hang on to the magical thinking of a child, having these ‘great expectations’ of life & people, which are not just wishful thinking but a raging need – which include… the absolute conviction / expectation / assumption – about how of a date, event, relationship, meeting… should turn out – or we’ll die!

• On the surface we say: “I don’t know how, I’m not allowed, it’s too hard …” but the real, real truth – not matter how deeply we bury it – is that we don’t want to take care of ourselves.  If our family didn’t do it for us, then we’re not going to do it for ourselves now! So there!  We’ve suffered enough so we’re understandably resentful & petulant. We want ours! This is equally true for the Hero as for the Lost Child.

➼ What ACoAs SHOULD NOT expect from ourselves, other people, & life in general:
A. TOWARD OURSELVES
While having wildly unrealistic expectations (U.E.) of others, we have to start by seeing how outrageous are demands are toward ourselves.
• being the victim -
• our narcissism – that we have the power to make things go our way, AND that who others are or what they want doesn’t really count – if it gets in the way of our needs! Most ACoAs, especially Rescuers, would never admit this
• … an assumption that if we make enough of an effort (be good), we’ll automatically get what we want! So when we have to wait – we despair. After all, fair is fair, right?

1. Staying Attached : WE WANT to stay connected to even the most abusive family members & believe it’s our fault when that never seems to work out in our favor
• many ACoAs still have the illusion that if only we are perfect, ‘good’, successful, smart, care-taking of them…. enough – our addicted,
self-centered, self-hating,  severely damaged parents (if they’re still alive) will finally accept & love us just the way we are!
• the assumption (U.E.) is that if we make enough of an effort, we’ll automatically get what we want! After all, fair is fair, right?  So when we have to wait – we despair.

• even the smartest of us may harbor a secret hope that one day our parents &/or siblings will some day ‘get well / see the light…’ for themselves. We want them to get better, because we know they’re suffering BUT we also want it so we can stay connected to them.
• some of us have a parent who does eventually enter AA, and may become less abusive in some ways – but unless they also do at least some FoO work they’re not going to be the parent we always wanted

• whether our parents are gone or not, we still have U.E. of ourselves by trying to be those -inhumanly idealized- things for anyone we want to hang on to, especially if they are just as unavailable as our family was
• we’re so desperate to get their approval we refuse to see how incapable of loving us many of them really are – especially if they throw us a crumb once in a while.  Walking away or pulling back from such people entails “Crumb withdrawal”!
• when they hurt us yet again, we either suck it up & use our own addictions to numb the pain OR we turn it completely on ourselves & become depressed, non-functioning & suicidal – for a while after any encounter with them.

2. Recovery:
a. WE WANT to be ‘better’ unrealistically fast – as in NOW. Some of want magic – recovery without having to do anything.
b. others WANT compensation: if we just work hard enough, we will overcome all our damage – as if we were never affected by our childhood at all!  When that never seems to happen or Recovery is soooo slow – we become discouraged & worse – defeated. At that point some of us give up.
• the reality is that some of our damage can heal completely, some things will be a lot less troubling & some things may never go away – we just have to learn to manage them correctly, with self-compassion!

c. we actually believe that if we get well enough:
– our character defects will vanish (I’ll never be angry again / I’ll never date that kind of person again / I’ll never feel that bad again”…..
– we’ll never again be hurt or affected by other people’s insensitivity & abuses, especially from our family – at all, ever again!

However – Health is a combination: Some unhealthy things others do will bother us less, especially if we have a lot less self-hate & much better boundaries. BUT many things we were numb to or ignorant of before – will absolutely no longer be acceptable. Bad behavior & bad energy will become so uncomfortable to be around that we will not tolerate it.

NEXT: Unrealistic expectations – OVER (Part 2)

ACoA THINKING re. Events (Part 1a)

  

I’M SUCH A FAILURE!
I can’t get anything right

PREVIOUS:  Noticing Painful Events  (Part 2)

REVIEW post : “What just happened“

2. CONCLUSIONS
The middle circle (see below) is about how we mentally (Ts) assess or try to explain any event that is upsetting. Without the right info + S-H = we either blame ourselves or everyone else!  The unhealthy conclusions we come to (CDs) about ‘what just happened’ are mainly based on what we went thru as kids, so it will be from the WIC or PP’s point of view.

• Many of us are not even aware of what we’re thinking – we just react (As).  Even so, those reactions give us a good hint as to what’s going on in our head.  And what are we thinking?
Also, notice that between ‘Event’ & ‘Conclusion’ on the chart, there’s a space that is not acknowledged or accounted for – our emotional reaction to the original situation.

Reminder: The ‘painful events’ we react to so strongly may be:
– something genuinely insulting, shaming or otherwise abusive
– something which most people encounter just in the course of living (rudeness, ignorance, delays…)
– something accidental, from people just being busy or preoccupied

• When any of these get us excessively riled, it’s because it has pushed a button in us, which represents an old wound that’s still raw.  When anything or anyone bumps up against one of these wounds, we react with intense anxiety or rage.  Some of our buttons are:
– being ignored, nor responded to right away, having to wait too long
– being accused wrongly – of anything
– being stood up, or being let down (we take people too literally!)
– being controlled (told what to do)   – etc.

EXP: If you’re walking around with a physical sore which is very painful but not visible, and someone accidentally pushes hard against you in rush hour, aggravating the ache, how do you react? ACoAs tend to either go into a rage at the person and the whole world OR we feel sorry for ourselves, sulk & wonder why this is happening to us!

• So, our intense response to certain kinds of events are usually an over-reaction to the present situation. (“If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”). We really hate to hear this because it sound like our experience & our pain is being negated – just like at home!  This is NOT what is meant.
• Any over-reaction to normal, imperfect human situations (not pleasant BUT not really awful) comes from our Wounded Child – who is not actually living in ‘present time’, has unhealed emotional wounds, is still taking things personally, & feels unloved & unprotected – at least about that particular issue.

The Co-dependent Triangle: Rescuer, Victim & Perpetrator.
Every ACoA can switch between these 3 roles at a moment’s notice – depending on the person we’re with or the situation we’re in, but some ‘live’ in one of the roles more than the others. Regarding the present topic, we are talking about the Vs & Ps. (More in next post).

a. IT’S ALL ME -  It’s my fault:  I’m bad, dumb, weak, lazy, ….

• The core emotion is FEAR
• ALL ACoAs start out from this premise, (S-H) & then layer it over with a variety of defenses. Whenever something doesn’t work out, or someone hurts us / ignores us / leaves us… we try to analyze what we did wrong & how we can fix it. We obsess for days, sometimes years about a painful situation, always from the point of view of self-blame.

➼ Unhealed ACoAs have a wide streak of narcissism – mainly in the form of: EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME!  I know you’re saying “What, it’s not??”
It’s our default position, & continues to be as long as the WIC is in charge of our life. Once the UNIT takes over, that perspective greatly diminishes. And, yes there is a difference between believing we’re responsible for everything (S-H / grandiosity) vs being appropriately responsible for our T.E.A.s

EXP:
Maria is sitting in a nigh school class with only 6 other people.  She’s an extrovert & would like to connect with someone to share info with.  Looking around, she sees only one other woman & looks at her several times.  The woman blatantly ignores her. Maria’s not just disappointed, she’s hurt. There’s a pain in her solar plexus, but all she can think is: “Nobody likes me!”

NEXT: THINKING about events (Part 1b)

How ACoAs ABANDON OTHERS (Part 3b)

 

I FEEL SO BETRAYED –
they’re not who I thought they were!

PREVIOUS: How ACoAs ABANDON OTHERS (3a)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

5. UNDERVALUING
The previous post was about Idealizing others ( 7/31/10).  This one is about how we diminish others.  All ACoAs in this category are very angry, but some express it by perpetual crankiness while others do it by whining. It can show up in one of 2 ways:
a. As a reaction to over-valuing. When we idealize a person (new boss, teacher, lover, friend…), or a situation (a new marriage, job, home, party, holiday…) WE inevitably:
– set up the person or event to fail, because no one / no situation can fulfill our unrealistic expectations* – to be perfect, to make up for all our losses, to be all the things our WIC never got at home & which are still missing in our life. Basically we’re asking them to rescue us. It’s a way of using others.

– guarantee that we’ll be disappointed, sooner or later. We ask too much of them, which no person or situation can possibly live up to, even if it’s healthy!
*This is NOT the same as having the right to our needs, nor is it even about going to the wrong people for our needs. This is the WIC’s demand that someone or something make up for the totally of our original abandonment! It’s about wanting to be taken care of instead of taking care of ourselves – while not having to ask!

b. As a ‘life-style’ - finding fault (F.F.) with everyone, all the time. All in this group are very angry, but some express it by perpetual crankiness while others do it by whining. This can be an expression of several issues in the present:
i. Endless complaining (F.F.) can be a sure sign of narcissism, & comes from our needy WIC or PP, since we manage to make everything about us – somehow. Keep in mind that all wounded people have some N. in varying degrees, so do not use it for more S-H! It’s that we only reference ourselves, ignoring other possibilities, always judging the ‘other’ as bad because:
– it doesn’t fit some rigid notions of correctness from our PP, even tho the original parents never lived up to those standards
– we see everyone as exactly like our family, so they must be bad. This scares the WIC
– everyone/thing always still lets us down, causes us trouble, is there for us the way we want, so f-them

EXP: “I can’t stand that / it’s not good enough” means I know better, can do better..
– “They’re so stupid” means I’m superior to all you little people, and if I were doing it / running things, I would handle it much better….
– “How can they do that to me, no one ever listens to me….” means they’re not doing the job I want them to – of being the good parent

ii. We project our S-H onto the world. If I hate myself, I’m sure everyone else does too – or will if I give them a chance! Just like a liar or thief believes everyone else is a liar or thief, even if it’s just in their heart. So ‘I’ll hate all of you first, that way I don’t care & then I won’t get hurt anymore!’  Better to keep everyone at arm’s length than to be vulnerable.
ACoA IRONY: everything we think & feel is ONLY from our point of view (no one else’s is valid) – other people’s needs don’t count, we don’t consider their limitation & don’t really want them to have boundaries, so we can be symbiotic.
At the same time, because we’re starving so our focus is completely outside of ourselves, on ‘people, places & things’ as the source of our nourishment & for our sense of identity. They are objects, not beings. If they don’t act the way we want, we feel justified in raging at them.

iii. F.F. in relationships - always looking for their flaws, no matter how unimportant, which will be a deal breaker for us – & we’ll always find some! This is especially true if someone gets too close, whether the relationship is short or long-term. We may like a person at first, but there’s no leeway for them to be human, imperfect or occasionally disappointing.
✶ This is a common ACoA ‘back-door’ in relationships – always having one foot out & one foot in, ready to bolt. We assume all relationships will end in abandonment anyway, so don’t get too invested! It feels safer than admitting that we need anything (company, fun, live, respect, validation, being seen….) OR to admit we’re needy & vulnerable under all the bluster.

Original CAUSE
Growing up in an emotionally & physically dangerous environment (at home & outside) left us with an inability to trust anyone – even people who are kind or neutral, in the present. We are terrified of being trapped, controlled, abused, abandoned – the way we were as kids. We found that so unbearable that:
– Early on, some of us created a fantasy world & retreated into it, turning everyone & everything into a fairy story, to make them safe. NOW we continue to protect ourselves from the way people really are by denying how they behave & whitewashing their motives: “They really didn’t mean that!” ….
– OR we decide as kids that no one is safe, & anyone who is kind, fair, or appropriate are either simply not in our line of sight / or we think they’re false or they want something / or that once they really get to know us they’ll stop being so nice.

RESULTS
• No Love: Undervaluing everyone & everything (“Life sucks!”) may seem like a protection against more hurt & punishment, according to the WIC. BUT it actually prevents us from taking in any available love, kindness & attention we’re so desperate for. This insures that we do not heal from our wounds, & keeps us forever needy. LOVE HEALS. Not just the exciting, sexually charged love of a mate, but everyday kindnesses, whether from a pet, the store clerk, a passing stranger, a good friend or the daily protection of our H.P.

• Poor Relationships: Fear of Intimacy is a core issue for ACoAs, which comes from both fear of being engulfed (weak boundaries) and fear of abandonment (self-hate). Our default position is that we are unworthy of being loved or valued, while everyone else (like a preferred sibling) is allowed.
• In childhood the people who were our mainstay for survival & who tied us symbiotically to them because of their FoA, were dangerous or cold or gone. That was too painful to bear but it’s the only form of intimacy our WIC knows, & we assume it’s all we can hope for. So some of us reverse it by projecting our parents’ toxic way of treating us onto others. Then everyone else in the world is untrustworthy so we’d rather do without, thank you very much! At its most severe, some ACoAs suffer from Attachment Disorder (in Adults)

PROBLEM: All the good, kind people are somewhere out of our line of sight, maybe behind us & we’re not using a rear-view mirror to see them. Or if we do stumble across one, we push them away because we’re sure they wouldn’t want us anyway!
Most of us gravitate to those who will prove our negative generalization, as a way to rationalize our rage & rebellion. Once in a while an ACoA will actually marry such a kind person – good for us! – without really understanding what they see in us.

HEALTH - We need to be able to:
• evaluate others realistically – to identify their plusses & minuses
• choose people whose plusses outweigh their damage
• tolerate healthy people’s imperfections
• stop projecting our parent’s flaws on to everyone & everything
• OWN our own damage, so when someone pushes our buttons – we can take responsibility for our reactions & not make everything their fault!

NEXT: Symbiosis & ACoAs (Part 1)