Principles of Character – Outline (Part 1)


I aspire to, a day-at-a-time

PREVIOUS: “Keep the focus on yourself” means? (Part 2)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

REVIEW: What is Character (many posts)

PRINCIPLES –> Values –> Comments

1 ATTRACTION: Courage, Discernment, Self-awareness
We attract whatever we put our attention to, which makes it bigger. If we don’t do anything to limit our destructive impulses, life becomes increasingly difficult for us to control. By staying awake & using discernment, we will see the difference between what’s helping or harming us. Then we need the courage to take steps toward health, by eliminating negative desires that attract chaos into our lives. (See “ACoAs & Risk“)

2 CAUSE & EFFECT : Accountability, Good Intentions, Restraint
According to the ‘law of the universe’ – for every action there’s an equal re-action. When we realize that we’re accountable for our thoughts, words & actions, we are willing to own the intentions of our actions, & recognize the wisdom of restraint
 (See “Keep the focus on yourself” (See “Fear of Responsibility“)

3 DEVOTION : Concentration, Calmness, Focuscalmness
We can connect with Creative Intelligence by taking the time to go inside, to our True Self, not the false ego. This applies to anyone, by being calm, & concentrating on higher thoughts, whether through prayer, song, meditation or a walk in the woods. When we focus our lives on spiritual principles & actions, we connect with the Divine

4 FAITH : Trust, Hope, Patience
There is a Loving Intelligence that pervades all things. All that is necessary is for us to maintain our trust and hope even though we live in the midst of uncertainty. Faith is our willingness to take the next step without fear or looking back and yet have the patience to allow Divine Order to work through our situation without trying to force the results ourselves. (See “Lack of Trust and Healthy Trusting“)

5 FORGIVENESS : Compassion, Mercy, Understandingforgiveness
Forgiveness is a conscious act that frees us from the damaging image of ourselves as a victim and dissolves the poison of resentment. These act as blocks to the Universal Reality. Because we choose a new understanding of our situation, we are now free to extend mercy and compassion to ourselves and to those who have wronged us. This reconnects us back to our Real Self.

6 GRATITUDE: Generosity, Magnanimity, Appreciation
The true state of Universal Reality is abundance. When we are grateful and appreciate what life has to offer, it indicates to the Universe that we accept whatever has been given to us and that we lack nothing. If we want to attract more prosperity into our lives, we need to start the process of thinking magnanimously and being generous to all of life. All of this opens up the flow of supply into our world because whatever we give to life returns to us.

7 HARMONY : Optimism, Co-operation, Enthusiasmcopoperation
One of the universal laws is that we can choose what thoughts we want to focus on. When we choose negative ones,  which lead to painful emotions, our lives become infinitely more stressful and complex because we lose the inner connection with the Infinite. When we choose to be optimistic, cooperative and enthusiastic rather than being a victim of unhappiness, we remain in control of ourselves and maintain inner quiet.

8 HUMILITY: Modesty, Unpretentious, Gentleness
Through an attitude of modesty and un-pretentiousness, we realize that we don’t have to raise ourselves up with self-importance. God in His own way and time will reward us with whatever we need, as long as we rid ourselves of pride and maintain an attitude of gentleness toward all life. See “Humiliation“, and “Arrogance vs Humility“)

9 INTEGRITY : Truthfulness, Courage, Sincerity, Honestyintegrity
Our connection to our inner reality is strengthened when we align our thoughts, words and actions with truth and have the courage act with sincerity and honesty. This is the act of letting go of our own will and honoring the Divine Will instead. (See “Why ACoAs lie”)

NEXT: Character (Part 2)

“KEEP the FOCUS on YOURSELF” means? (Part 2)

Screen Shot 2016-01-17 at 7.11.01 PM 

the better I get along with others


SITE: Keep The Focus On Yourself 


“Keep the Focus on Yourself” (KFY) requires positive Self-honesty: It means always looking for & admitting OUR motives & emotions that propel our thoughts  & actions! (without shame, guilt or S-H). They may come from the WIC, our Bad Parent OR – our healthy adult/Loving parent UNIT.
So it’s not always a negative. We can have legitimately positive motives, (not tired in with co-dependence), as long as they in no way ignore our own needs & values.

WAYS to KFY (Paul Nair)
Mind your own business
More than anything else KFY is about staying out of other people’s lives (adults) – no matter how dysfunctional they may be, how much we think we can help them, AND no matter how much we love them. In almost all cases, they have had many opportunities to get the help we think they need & have ignored or blatantly rejected every one. We need to stay on our side of the fence & not get “all up in their business”!
(SEE Rescuing and Healthy Helping posts)
EXP: “I’ve been over-monitoring my daughters’ actions & feelings because I feel guilty & responsible for her damage” (not mainly because I love her & want her best)

Be your own Motivator
KFY means being in charge of our own decisions, choices & actions.self-motivation
ACoAs, Co-Ds & addicts use other people, substances or circumstances to give us a reason to function – or an excuse to withdraw from life. We can work, go, help, risk…. as long as it’s for someone/thing outside of ourselves. Yet, we have SO many skills needed to run our own life! We must use them to take care of our Inner Child first, before thinking of others.
EXP: “I took that trip abroad so I could learn more about my career & improve my performance” (not to please my boss or make myself look good)

 Be Responsible for yourself
KFY means being willing to identify the Toxic Beliefs that drive us & work on changing them, so we can take charge of ourselves & our actions in the world. We do not have the right to expect anyone else to do that for us. Our whole life can pass us by while we wait for that. Even if we find someone who will, it’s always with a high price – controlling us, keeping us immature, preventing healing & expressing our potential.
EXP: “I wanted that bigger car because it makes me feel important” (not because my wife liked it)

Listen To Your Gut
KFY means being able to listen to & trust our own inner voice. Keep in mind that there is a difference between being jerked around by our PP or WIC’s emotions & obsessions, steeped in the fear that comes from trying to obey the Toxic Rules, -vs- True-Self information provided by our gut. It’s that still small feeling in the center of our body that won’t go away – telling us when something is right or wrong for us. Trust “I know what I know”. Once we get quiet inside (with a lot less anxiety) we can listen to our instinct. We’ll be surprised how accurate it can turn out to be.
EXP: “I stopped being friends with that woman because I kept getting that ‘ICH’ feeling in my gut whenever we talked” (even though we had a lot of things in common)

Do what’s right for you
KFY means most of the time doing what suits us – what feels right to our inner soul, & peacefulstaying away from PPT that don’t encourage our Recovery or strengthen our True Self. Having a good relationship with ourselves allows us to be kinder & more appropriate with others.
— If we have trouble doing ‘work’ things, then we need to focus more on that, to be ‘self-supporting by our own contributions’ as they say in 12-Step Programs.
— If we mostly spend our time working & taking care of others, we need to take time off to spend doing fun & relaxing things.
EXP: “I chose to stop celebrating holidays because it was too stressful & unrewarding. Now I feel peaceful” (not because I’m trying to save money or punish the family)

Stay in the Present
KFY means responding to current people & situations based on current reality, instead of project childhood trauma onto all our present-day experiences & blaming others for
all our troubles. However, it is also imperative that we use every bit of info we’ve accumulated in life to evaluate who or what we’re dealing with on a daily basis.
The ‘focus’ includes:
— acknowledging the harmful or limiting qualities of PPT we’re already familiar with (some family members, a mate, a job, a living situation….), & using our Adult ego state to correctly evaluate new encounters
— recognizing all the positive ways a person/situation in our environment is truly different from those who have hurt us in the past. What are the beneficial qualities we’re overlooking?
EXP: “I felt hurt & angry when you didn’t come to my party, but it was only because your boss needed you to work late” (not because you didn’t like me any more) in the present

The only way we can KFY is to know what IS. That means continually bringing the WIC into the present, so we don’t keep repeating the same mistakes, AND so we can choose safer people to enjoy our life with. Book-ending works great for this.

PS: Staying in the present does NOT mean ignoring the past or future – only that we should deal with others based on who they are & what they are actually doing, instead of letting the WIC react from our past.
New research by neuroscientists has shown that “living in the moment” is not literally possible, because that would cut out everything we’ve learned which we need to protect us. Sustaining a memory of past decisions can guide future behavior. (MORE…..)

When In Doubt, Just Ask
This is crucial to being able to KFY. Finding out who others truly are – not for Co-D purposes – allows us to clarify that we are indeed separate individuals, not symbiotic clones! Human beings are not supposed to know everything & we’re not supposed to be mind-readers. (The only time anyone legitimately needs a mind-reader is when we’re an infant & can’t talk yet!).

— This is not just about lack of info that you could find in a book or a blog. There’s no shame in asking – it shows an open mind, a willingness to learn & better yourself
— But it’s also about finding out what other people are actually like – inside. Ask, ask ask! “What do you mean? Why did you say that? Are you willing to —-?, Is that all right with you….?” You may not get the answer you like or expected – or any answer. But many times you will be pleasantly surprised – they’ll tell you something about how they think, feel or have experienced that you couldn’t have guessed, no matter how smart you are.

EXP: “When I gave that teacher my card he made a disparaging comment about my profession – which I assumed was aimed at me. Instead – I asked what he meant & he said he’d recently had a bad experience with someone, & my card reminded him.”
(This had nothing to do with meIf I hadn’t asked I would have taken it personally & gone away hurt & angry)


“KEEP the FOCUS on YOURSELF” means? (Part 1)



to be self-aware!


SITE: “(Not) Keeping the focus on myself” ~Al-Anon podcast


REVIEW: “Keep the focus on yourself!” (KFY)
We hear from many sources that to be mentally & emotionally mature, we need to take responsibility for our own TEAs (thoughts, emotions, actions). This is a big stumbling block to growth for ACoAs, because on the one hand:
— we were taught by our family & religion NOT to think about our own needs, tastes, ideas, values… only on other people – which means we’re not allowed to KFY,
AND on the other hand
— ACoAs take on too much responsibility, both for things which others are doing or have done (abuse, neglect, carelessness, selfishness….), as well as blaming ourselves for imperfections (limitations, lack of knowledge, mistakes, EVEN good things like emotions, ambition, having normal human needs….)

Therefore, no matter how intelligent or accomplished, without Recovery training & practice, many ACoAs actually don’t know what KFY means or how to do it. We’re all familiar with the PP’s poisonous voice whispering: “Who do you think you are?” But that’s exactly the point: In order to KFY, we have to know who & what WE ARE! It requires freedom to be, to express the True Self, & since we didn’t learn that as kids, we have to work on it now – every day. If we persist, eventually it does become more natural & automatic.

NOTE: The most important thing to remember about KFY id that it required telling the truth about what motivates our thoughts & actions, which never has anything to do with what others are doing or saying – no matter how mean, stupid or crazy.
EXP of not KFY, not speaking from the “I”: 
Joey forgot to bring home the milk Sarah asked for. She gets angry & calls him a few choice names. The REAL reason she’s angry is not that they need the milk so badly, but that she feels that Joey doesn’t consider her important. She’s hurt but doesn’t say so – it’s easier to attack than be vulnerable.

KFY is NOT a justification for our narcissism!
It’s NOT:
• saying things like “I think that you should—–, If I were you I controllingwould/wouldn’t —–” & then proceed to tell someone who we think they are, what they should do or think…. instead of finding out who they actually are, what they want, what they’ve already tried….

• expecting / demanding that others fulfill our needs, just because “I want it” – without considering whether they want to help, what state they’re in, if they’re available, what they’re legitimately capable of, what’s appropriate to ask of others….

• an opportunity to attack, dismiss /negate or point a finger at others & then excuse it by saying: “It’s just my opinion”
• manipulating others so we can to get them to take care of us, because we don’t want to do it for ourselves

It’s NOT:
• doing whatever we feel like (jerking others around, lying, attacking, being insensitive, undependable, withholding,…..), because we’re afraid of being controlled or we want to get back at the whole world for what our family did to usScreen Shot 2016-01-17 at 7.03.27 PM
• convincing someone to go out of their way for us & then changing plans at the very last-minute, just because we have something better to do or just don’t feel like it
• use other people to get what we want, to get ahead, to vent our rage
• trying to get someone to be/do what WE want – so we don’t have to deal with ourselves
ASK yourself – “What drives me to still want to be with someone who is definitely not available, or who can’t love at all, much less love me?”

In Al-Anon’s “Courage to Change”, Today’s Reminder, (pg. 29 ) says:
“I am learning to be honest with myself. I will not use my Recovery as an excuse to justify my efforts to change other people’s thinking. Trying to control other people only gets me in trouble. Instead, I will promptly admit such mistakes and put my energy back where it belongs by focusing on myself.”

BUT – KFY is also NOT a sign that we are :
unable to love anyone. As Samantha said on Sex & the City:ladder to heart
“I love you, but I love me more!”
selfish, because it takes attention away from ‘them’
arrogant, since we assume we have no rights, & are worthless
disobedient, because we’re not allowed to think or do for ourselves – only what ‘they’ tell us to do or think…..

KFY may mean FACING things we don’t want to, like that YOU:
— had a traumatic childhood that you’re afraid to admit & dealt with
— don’t like yourself very much, altho you’re ‘supposed to’
— feel like your life is way out of control, but don’t know how to fix it
— hate your job, but afraid to change, holding on until retirement
— hate salads, even though you eat one every day for lunch
— know it’s time to let go of old dreams, but are still hoping
— think your friends only like you because you do so much for them
— want to take risks, but are sure you’ll make mistakes or be rejected
— want a divorce, but are afraid to leave & be alonesad woman
— want to change but don’t know how. Your life is a mess.

It could mean that YOU’RE:
— depressed, & have been for decades
— exhausted, even though it doesn’t seem you’ve done much today
— supposed to love parent/mate/child/friend…. but often don’t
— terrified of commitment, but are also terribly lonely
— not getting any younger, & have so many regrets
Adapted from Karen R Koenig

NEXT: KFY (Part 2)

What is HEALTHY CONTROL? (Par 2)

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when I don’t follow the pack

PREVIOUS: Healthy Control (Part 1)

REVIEW posts: Letting go of being controlling

— To run our own life, rather than someone else’s, & not have someone else run ours
— To make that happen we have to ask: “Who or what motivates me?”
— To be the one in charge requires that we are our own Motivator.
This is not selfishness, but it also does not negate/eliminate :
AA Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over—-” – and –
AA Step 3: “…turn our will & our lives over to the care of God….””

• comes from the Unit’ ego state: Healthy Adult + Loving Parent,
allowing us to be comfortable in our skin. It’s NEVER about being perfect!
• requires a lowered level of anxiety, to not have to hide our True Self
• is based on a healthy ego, to make choices that suit us
• allows us to know what our needs are, permission to get them met, AND find ways to meet as many of our needs as possible, under the realistic circumstances of our specific personality & current life

• is being in charge of our emotions, as well as – when, where & how we express them
• is taking responsibility for our life choices, without self-hate
• requires that our childhood rage level goes down enough so we don’t take our hurt & revenge out on others
• is built on having good boundaries, both in how we treat others & how we ‘let’ others treat us

This is the opposite of being controlling – which comes from the WIC or the PP, & is being fueled by deep & pervasive anxiety (old terror). It’s true that even children in healthier families have limited control over their lives growing up, but sadly, ACoAs had almost none.Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 5.36.42 PM
The way we tried – & still try – to have some (unhealthy) C. was/is by:
● hiding out, withdrawing, isolating, being invisible
● being a know-it-all, smarter that everyone, showing off….
● withholding, giving the silent treatment, judging, manipulating
● trying to make everything be the way we want, no matter who we hurt
● being rebellious, doing the opposite of what the adults were demanding
… BUT none of these are the real deal.

Healthy Control DOES MEAN WE:
• have self-respect as a Healthy Adult, especially in our thinking
• know our rights, our options & what’s actually possible (not fantasy/illusion)
• use that info to practice setting boundaries, with ourselves & others
• are in present-day reality, including owning our adult abilities, acquired knowledge & useful experiences
• can stay centered & act according to our own mind
• make declarative statements & ask for our needs – in the right place
• have to know everything or solve everything (not be perfect)
• need to ask for permission to be who we are. Asking permission of someone else is respectful if we’re ‘impinging’ on their rights, or if we need to give them a choice about something
• need to argue – unless it’s really important (don’t have to be right, & don’t have to prove it when we are)
• have to convince others of our point, especially when it’s clear they do not want to hear us. If we push & push to be understood by such people, we just make a fool of ourselves (Article re. being in control, w/ Biblical references)

To IMPROVE self-control, especially in difficult situations, having details about the Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 6.44.01 PMPPT involved are relevant & important, but when trying to understand or decide on what to or not to do/say – First step back & do a mental OVER-VIEW:
• Pay more attention to the forest instead of focusing on individual trees – consider the ultimate goal or big picture of the situation you’re in
• Look at how your actions fit into an overall framework, as being part of a larger plan or purpose in your life, NOT just a specific instance or action. Don’t just stare at a detail in front of you (“But he said…., they ignored me…..), getting lost in something that bothers you or that may be out-of-place.

EXP: When people are asked what they think something means:
“What is the purpose of Guilt?” // “What is Self-Hate” ….
— the inevitably answer is given as an example of it:
“Feeling bad about something” // “Being hard on oneself”….
rather than a basic definition, it’s meaning, or what it’s used for.
• An instance of an issue or topic is not its purpose or definition, so it’s faulty thinking (a CD), ➼ AND only focusing on a specific example or instance prevents us from being able to apply the concept to a wide variety of life situations – thus limiting our ability to understand what causes our actions & so to be in charge of them.f037577c507f4276e7a115a8ac21f596
Think of a Definition or Purpose as the large category ANIMAL (the Kingdom), rather than just one of its many examples – cat, horse, bird, elephant….(the Species).

Ideas for your ADULT, so YOU can be in charge of your own life
• every morning look in the mirror while washing & teeth-brushing, & think of 5 things you value about yourself – no matter how imperfect!
• be honest, & be true to yourself. Realize you’re important, & never believe or accept anyone saying or implying that you aren’t
• focus on what’s important to you, & put your all into those – rather than into things that aren’t that relevant or worthwhile
• be happy with yourself, focus on what you can change, and ignore what you can’t (either not right now – or ever)
• make the best of the life you have, & changing the things that are harmful & eliminating things that are a waste of time/energy
• when someone is mean to you (action/ words), stick up for yourself, with assertive “I” statements, coming from your Healthy Adult
• always remember your best qualities & skills, what makes you valuable & unique, so you can be your best Self in the moment
• try doing things the way you want to, instead of letting others influence you to do it their way, or distract you from your goals
• organize the impScreen Shot 2016-01-15 at 7.40.31 AMortant things you need to do each day, & keep a positive (“can-do”) attitude in your work place
• remember to be polite, & look at things as possibilities (WikiHow)

Ultimately, it means:
• being in charge of you WIC – by forming a relationship with him/her, so you are the stronger voice – reasonable, trustworthy and KIND
• AND not letting the PP bully the child into staying in the disease, who will then either rebel or fold.
YOU CAN be in control / in charge of your life.


What is HEALTHY CONTROL? (Par 1)

Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 7.44.34 AMIT’S SO MUCH BETTER FOR ME
to be in control, than to be controlling

PREVIOUS: Ennea Humor #3

REVIEW post: ACoAs Acting controlling’

REMINDER: See Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

QUOTE: “To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves” ~ Virginia Woolf

Self-Control 101 (Normal)
Events or Thoughts —-> lead to —-> Emotions
Emotions ——-> lead to ——> Beliefs
Beliefs ——-> lead to ——> Decisions
Decisions ——-> lead to ——> Actions
—> lead to —> Rewards or Consequences

Purpose of Self-Control (SC)
To gain a present reward or a delayed gratification, OR to delay, reduce or eliminate punishment
DEF: ● to hold in check or curb (the WIC & PP ?)
● to exercise restraint or direction over something or someone
● to eliminate or prevent the spread of something (our damage ?)

Brain Location – “Researchers are working on identifying the brain areas involved inScreen Shot 2016-01-15 at 7.59.16 AM the exertion of self-control, & many different areas are known to be involved.” Scans show that SC correlates with “an area in the dorso-lateral fronto-median cortex in the frontal lobe… distinct from those involved in attention to intentions, generating intentional actions, or selecting between alternatives. This control occurs through the top-down inhibition of premotor cortex.” (MORE...)

Self-control is expressed by being in charge of our own actions, & is quite complex. It requires that we stay awake & function out of the present (not reacting from past trauma & toxic Parental Rules), regulating our thoughts, dealing appropriately with our emotions, setting goals & following thru, & making responsible choices.
As adults, we’re held responsible for our thoughts, emotions & actions (T.E.A.) to the extent that these can be under our self-control, which is not always possible. And SC is harder for us to maintain IF we’re in the wrong environment, where others are not willing to govern themselves. (MORE…)

• People are born with varying degrees of tolerance for routine vs. change, patience vs boredom., social vs private interactions…. BUT, unlike physiological traits, SC can definitely be considered a learned skill to the degree that it’s developed through education, social interaction & conditioning
• SC becomes self-discipline when we have to apply intentional effort.
However, when it’s practiced habitually for some time, it can become a character trait.

• SC is an important part of a cluster of internal resources (character, courage, faith, purpose, endurance) which – when tested by constant pressure or long-term deprivation – doesn’t disappear
• It becomes a way of thinking because of the cognitive processes & mental discipline needed to use SC
• SC requires motivation. In certain situations, such as a special celebration or an artificial psychological experiment, we may decide to briefly give up self-control for the occasion
• SC becomes a virtue when we resists temptation in order to achieve a desired goal, & can be considered a spiritual gift when it’s the result of spiritual transformation

light camera ACTIONWhat do most people think ‘Being IN control’ is about?
That it’s ONLY about being able to take action, rather than freezing up or being indecisive. Partly it’s our culture that constantly tells us: “Just do it” & partly it’s the alcoholic / narcissistic family that only focused on DOING, rather than Being or Feeling!

However, the KEY to real, healthy control is (ta-da) HAVING a CHOICE!
➼ It’s about knowing when to do or say something & when not to, as in “Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em”.
• Sometimes it’s about taking a risk to act, on our behalf, for someone we love, or for the greater good. (As in leave a bad situation instead of being passive or paralyzed)
• Sometimes it means being able to hold back, to wait, to be patient, to listen, to process, to plan.  This type of delay is not passivity or waiting to be rescued.
In either form – it’s always about choice. It is wisdom. It is self-esteem. It is being healthy. It represents S & I.

EXP: A recovering ACoA young man is on a crowded subway. A woman enters the car, looking for a seat. Learning he has the right to have/make choices & not continue to be a Rescuer, he thinks before acting impulsively: “I can give her my seat – if I want to – BUT I don’t have to! I can choose.” He chooses to stand up.

Having a choice fits with the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me: Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 8.11.47 AM
1. the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
2. courage to change the things I can,
3. and the wisdom to know the difference”

ACoAs: Just because we start out as under-dogs, doesn’t mean we can’t WIN – over our damage, over our pain, over others trying to control us! Deciding for ourselves, from an inner place of certainty & serenity – being empowered – can be every ACoA’s goal.
And for those of us who don’t like the word CONTROL – we can say: being in charge, using our Adult Ego state, being our own motivator!…. or find another term.
So, how in charge are you of your life – actions, career, emotions, health, home,
finances, relationships, work life…..?
Based on many studies, including Fujita (2008), correcting our thinking (eliminating CDs) can enhance the ability to be in charge of ourselves, to maintain our focus and achieve greater self-care.

• Most adults respect others who are in control (C) of themselves & their life. Being respected is the opposite of being shamed. We have a right to be respected, and that will come to us more often if we are indeed in control – of things WE CAN – as in line 3 of the Serenity Prayer.

NEXT: Healthy Control (Part 2)

Enneagram Humor (Part 3)

Croatia girl
PREVIOUS: Ennea Language (#3)

SITE: EnneaType foolishness at work

(World Costumes by Phillip Martin)

Top Ten Signs You Are a TYPE 5 by Dave
10. You call your plants by their Latin names
9. The more excited people around you get, the more drained you feel
8. You spend time at a party reading the books in the host’s library
7. You communicate almost exclusively by e-mail
6. Most of your friends are on social media, and you haven’t met any of them face to face
5. You consider it a good vacation if you can stay at home with your computer, books, videos, and garden for a week
4. You would like to do point 5 for a living (or already are)
3. You’ve actually read Darwin’s “Origin of the Species” and think it would make an interesting movie
2. Someone asks you how you feel about someone/thing, & you say you’ll let them know next week after you’ve had time to think about it

1. You bite into a Snickers bar, immediately seeing the correlation between the dissolving chocolate/peanut mixture and:
— quantum electrodynamics and the potential existence of dark matter in the universe
— the association of Mozart’s unfinished symphony and the cryptographic origins of ancient Sumerian linguistics
— how the right-handed Cartesian orthogonal system of coordinates aligns with mitochondrial cellular respiration, giving you a new understanding of the role of derivatives in modern financial portfolio analysis
— the ennea-grammatic functions inherent in Microsoft’s Windows 98. AND when you try to explain this simple relationship, people have no clue what the H– you’re talking about.

Stype 3 cartoon
Some famous 3s : Truman Capote, Tom Cruise, Cindy Crawford, Anne Coulter, Johnny Cochran, Demi Moore,
many CEOs, Oliver North, Arnold Schwarzenegger, O.J., Oprah Winfrey, Tiger Woods.
Sara’s #3 mother’s only response to her #4 daughter – who was in extreme fear over money worries – was: “Your hair is a mess. Why don’t you fix it?”

Twisted Affirmation
To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

Fun Quote: Anonymous
You can’t leave footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave butt prints in the sands of time?

Walking in to a party: Make sure everyone knows where they went to college, & that they made a million dollars last month

Some famous 4s:  Marlon Brando, Nicholas Cage, Eric Clapton, Ann Rice & her Vampires, Michael Jackson,
Vincent van Gogh, Dennis Rodman, Thomas Merton, Shakespeare, Allen Watts.
EXP:type 4 cartoon
Mitzu’s #4 girlfriend often rants about how women go out in public without putting their face on! “Don’t they know they’d look so much better with makeup?!!”

Twisted Affirmation
I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

Fun Quote: Kigichi Ishiritari
If life gives you lemons – make grape juice. Then sit back & let people wonder how you did it.

Walking in to a party: Sit by themselves somewhere, & look mysterious.

Some famous 5s: Buddha, Dick Cheney, Rene Descartes, Joe DiMaggio, Albert Einstein, T. S. Eliot,
Bill Gates, Lenin, Timothy McVeigh, Jackie O., Sartre, Scrooge
Stype 5 cartoonEXP:
Even tho’ Benny knew his #5 father loved his family, dad spent most of his time locked away in his little office writing & studying, rather than talking to or doing things with the kids – or protecting them.

Twisted Affirmation
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

Fun Quote: Garrison Keillor
Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
Walking in to a party: Look for the exit!

NEXT: Enneagram FLAWS for all – Type 1

EnneaTypes – LANGUAGE (Part 3)

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or I can use it to own my True Self

PREVIOUS: Talk Types 8-9

REVIEW: Intro explanation in Part 2a

GROWTH for all Types

Everyone wants to be understood, yet in most cases both senders & receivers have built-in limitations which they bring with them to any interaction, often based on each person’s Enneagram Type.
Listeners have ‘hearing distortions’ – prejudices in their way of thinking & feeling, that prevent them from receiving someone’s intended message.
• Of course, Senders can distort their presentation which interferes with how well they’re understood. These come in the form of unconscious habits:
— Body Language: face, hand & body movements, voice & energy level…
— Blind Spots, ways of acting & sounding we’re not ware of but everyone else is (clear throat, say ‘um’ all the time, don’t look others in the eyes..)
— Filters, our own distorted listening, so that our responses will be inaccurate, unhelpful, over-reactive….

We can start by asking trusted friends & co-workers what they think our communication style is. If possible – tape yourself giving a talk, or just hanging out, & then listen to / watch it, alone & with others, to identify your patterns.
● Actively listen to yourself all the time (NOT critically) to identify your own CDs (cognitive distortions). When listening to others, paraphrase both the facts & emotions you hear from them so they can be a reality check on your accuracy.

● Because most people tend to live in their head, improving your style of communication bad communicationcan be helped by moving from most conscious to least conscious behaviors:
— Observe & rework Speaking Style / then your Body Language / then correct your Blind Spots & finally the Distorting Filters.
Once you’ve identified your bad (verbal) habits, make a written list of them & periodically thru the day ask yourself: “Which action, belief or talk style did I just express – again?”

● Look for someone knowledgeable & trustworthy as your ‘talk coach’ to give feedback & respectful suggestions for improvement.  SITE: Chomsky’s Theories on Language

MATCHING our Communication with others
In NLP-speak the thinking patterns that influence our language & actions are called Meta- programs, the way we perceive & filter our experience of the world, rather than the reality.
Our language patterns – the words we choose & the way we say them – are all expressions of our internal image & dialogue (emotions, beliefs & experiences), adding up to how we act & react to any current event.

● Some people use very ‘specific’ detailed language (lots of words) in describing something – paying a lot of attention to the details of a situation or location. EXP: The dress was black, white & red, sleeveless, with a long skirt, a V neckline, buttons down the front…..
Others use ‘general’ terms, which convey an overview, with few words. EXP: Her dress was sexy & brightly colored.

Noam Chomsky found that most people modify & distort the information they’ve gathered – sobasic triads that what gets passed on to others is only 1 or 2% of the original experience. Roger Bailey’s “Words that Change Minds” LAB profile (Language And Behavior) shows how & why people make these transformation. It teaches how to Listen, Reflect & Communicate effectively, developing the skill of being able to match our communication to another’s preferred way of receiving information, which influences their behavior.

● No matter who we’re interacting with, but especially when dealing with someone who is unhealthy, matching has to do with understanding their thinking process & matching their triads expandedlanguage pattern – rather than falling into their negativity or into a fight. This can be done by taking careful note of someone’s TEAs – which follow the outline of the Enneagram’s main triads – as each has its own language peculiarities. Then we can use similar words & images to get our point across in a way that person can ‘hear’. (Charts….)

EXP: Amy is a fussy woman, very concerned with her image (Enneagram #3). Her friend Elaine (an F.I.T. graduate) is helping her look for fabric to make a new dress. Amy makes some choices & asks for an opinion. Rather than saying those fabrics are ‘loud’, ugly or dowdy, Elaine says they are not elegant. Amy immediately moves toward a few that Elaine is suggesting.
✥ ✥ ✥
Ennea-WORDS to NOT use in Business
Compliant, Withdrawn, Dutiful are terms thrown around in business settings by inexperienced Enneagram users to explain certain Types or groups of Types. Although these categories may be somewhat useful to people learning the Enneagram for their own personal development, they are inaccurate & can be damaging when used in organizations. There – these terms have a different spin than in ‘ennea-speak’. Companies that are trying to evaluate potential leaders would reject certain Types that seem to fit these terms.

No matter how well an H-R person explained the Ennea-based meanings, most people would still make a negative mental translation. In ‘organization-speak’:
Compliant means being passive, easily pliable, accommodating
Withdrawn means remote, contracted, not engaged
Dutiful means docile, meek, submissive, subservient.
Who would want employees like this, much less as a leader? (More…)

Healthy–Unhealthy / Evolved–Unevolved / Developed–Undeveloped
This is another set of Enneagram terms that can cause problems in organizations. Too many leaders focus on judgmental words for Types
rather than the psychological or spiritual development the Enneagram is actually about.

● It would be most helpful if Enneagram professionals in the workplace made it clear that people of the same EnneaType can be very different from each other, based on their Wing, how they use their Arrows, & their level of development or self-mastery. The focus should be on promoting a deeper understanding of workers’ developmental hopes & goals, not just their Type.
● When people become more psychologically and spiritually mature they become much more accepting & discerning, less critical & judgmental.
Judgment is the formation of an opinion or an evaluation in which two things are compared & one of those two items is considered better.
Discernment is sensitivity to nuance, insight, perceptiveness, which can lead to wisdom. Looking at a person’s Level of Development & self-mastery is being discerning. Harsh & judgmental terms are not.
Naturally this applies to individuals (us) as well as businesses.

NEXT: Ennea-humor (Part 3)