ACoAs & RESILIENCE (Part 1)

  

PREVIOUS: MBTI – Introverts

SITE: From Stressed out to Resilient (for students)

 

 NOTE: See ACRONYM button on Home Page for abbrev.


RESILIENCE (R.) is self-righting – it’s the ability to handle losses, set-backs or disappointments & then to recover afterward – with grace & dignity.

DANGER
Review: As kids, ACoAs had to deal with constant trauma, tragedy  & loss, which forced us to develop a variety of coping skills (defenses) that turned into unhealthy life-patterns as adults. They hardened into a block of grey, dirty ice – so thoroughly – that we’ve lost the connection to our funny, soft, easy, free child-self. Now we’re run mostly by our damaged Adapted child (WIC) who still listens to the PP-Introject, & sometimes the PP takes over & we sound just like ‘them’. UGH!

One such unhealthy pattern is rigidity – the inability to ‘go with the flow’, handle change – especially unexpected ones, see thing in shades of grey – only as B & W, accept opposing viewpoints, see others as separate being ….

Rigidity (mental & emotional stiffness) is a product of accumulated terror, & it’s team-mate is resentment (fear + anger) toward anyone who doesn’t provide our needs or wants.
It’s an unconscious determination to fight a losing battle with reality (denial), because to admit what we know about our alcoholic, narcissistic, co-dependent family feel too dangerous to our false sense of self-protection. Rigidity is a defense against feeling vulnerable – the Inner Child’s desperate way to hide its True Self from the onslaught of all the PMES abuses we suffered growing up.

PROTECTION
Rigidity is the enemy of Resilience (R.), and resilience is imperative for going beyond survival – to living well. Resilience is about how we function every day – healthy ways of interacting & negotiating with ourselves, others & our world. More than 50 years of research tells us that R. include having optimism / hope, managing strong or difficult emotions, having a deep sense of safety, & needing a strong social support system. Everyone, regardless of age or circumstance, has the capacity for resilience, which is built into the human spirit, & so can be tapped into.

Studies of at-risk youths, in different parts of the world, repeatedly identified 3 major protective environmental factors that can buffer or insulate children from the impact of adversity (poverty, family chaos, dangerous locations, illness or disabilities ….), & help to nourish personal strength.
These must have been provided during their early years from either family, school, community, or peer groups:
1. Caring relationships (at least one)
2. High expectations
(for success)
3. Opportunities to Participate & Contribute
**  
To effectively form a basis for resilience, these 3 need to be combined – & can come from any one of the 4 environments ⬆️. (Truebridge & Benard)

ACoAs: These 3 protective benefits – from external sources – were hardly available to us growing up. While we are indeed survivors – intelligent, caring, clever, generous, resourceful….. most of our best qualities are used to benefit others (the addicts, the immature) BUT rarely for ourselves!

Along with food and shelter, children need love & trust, hope & autonomy. Along with a safe physical haven, they need safe relationships that provide friendships & commitment. They need loving support, self-confidence, & faith in themselves & their world – all of which builds resilience (R.).

NOW – as adults, we need to wrap ourselves in the power of Resilience, by uncovering & strengthening the core characteristics we were born with, that when combined, make up our True Self . It’s the stable foundation we’ve always longed for & should have gotten as kids, based on knowing who we are, so life’s troubles don’t have to keep knocking us out for as long – like before.
That means that we need to turn those same gifts toward ourselves, to heal the wounded child part.
*️⃣Good news: R. is a process – not an inborn character trait.  It’s based on a concrete set of skills & behaviors, & so can be leaned.

NOTE for ACoAs: Identifying & developing our resilience-qualities is what Recovery is all about! To do that we have to S & I – slowly outgrowing our addictive attachment to our unhealthy upbringing.

NEXT: ACoAs & Resilience #2

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INTROVERTS – True or False (Part 3)

PREVIOUS: Myths #1

SITES: 10 Extra-income ideas for Is (like single moms)

Why Is beat Es in the corporate world

Diff between Introversion & Social Anxiety (good reminder)

Es = Extroverts // Is = Introverts

PREJUDICES & Corrections (cont.)

💼 BUSINESS / WORK
FALSE: They don’t like working in groups
TRUTH:
Introverts often do their best work alone, but excel in small group situations, & enjoy working that way as long as their opinion is valued

FALSE: They’re rude
TRUTH: Is
tend to be more direct (even blunt), & can show a bit of boredom or impatience, because they can’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. But their intention in not rudeness. Small talk feels like a waste of time. They want everyone to be real & honest, preferring intimate, meaningful conversations. But when it’s important, they’re willing to add a little ‘sugar’ to make things work

FALSE: They’re under-achievers
TRUTH :  Achievement is not related to personality type. Because our culture has such an affinity for the charismatic, extroverted personality, some people assume that Is are underachievers, especially compared to Es

This misconception may be because most Is don’t want or need to brag or blab about what they’ve done. In fact, there are millions of successful – even famous – introverted scientists, artists, physicians, writers & philosophers, but only well-know if promoted by Es 😊 (EXP: Stephen Wozniak, developer of world’s 1st personal computer)

FALSE: They don’t make good leaders (like Es)
TRUTH: While fewer Is are attracted to high-profile positions (less that 10%), one study tracking Leadership Effectiveness showed that Es & Is were equally successful overall, but each did better with different types of employees. Introverted leaders help their staff thrive by validating initiative & carefully listening to their suggestions, rather than hogging the limelight

FALSE: They’re plagued by public speaking anxiety
TRUTH: One study rating public speaking anxiety did show that Is who are prone to anxiety are more likely to anticipate being nervous onstage, based on how much they project the audience to be hostile, or worry about bombing.
“Speaking is not an act of extroversion,” notes Malcolm Gladwell, another I writer who spends plenty of time on stage. “It’s a performance, & many performers are hugely introverted.”

FALSE: They don’t make good public speakers
TRUTH: “At least half the people who speak for a living are Is,” said Kahnweiler in Quiet Influence. “They just prepare & practice really well, then draw from their strengths.” Such as Susan Cain, an excellent speaker, & author of Quiet: the Power of Introverts (TED talk)

FALSE: They’re not as good at networking (as Es)
TRUTH: While Es find schmoozing easier, have more FB friends & go on more interviews, it doesn’t automatically translate into more jobs.
EXP: Fortune’s best networker was an Introverted computer engineer.
• Getting a job is about building rapport with a potential employer, which Is are better at, since they aren’t trying to be one-up. Many Is are quite sociable, starting conversations with random people at parties, but are easily overwhelmed by bright lights & loud noises (like at rock concerts). SEE: ‘Networking for Introverts‘

FALSE: They’re not as good salespeople (as Es)
TRUTH: Like in any other business, some Is will be very effective & others a complete failure. The key is in the specific type of sales position, & the I’s other characteristics, such as communication & thinking style, empathy level, need for acceptance, perseverance, persuasiveness, prospecting ability, response to others…..
See: “An Introvert in Sales?”

NEXT: Resilience #1

INTROVERTS – True or False (Part 2)

 

 

PREVIOUS: Myths #1

SITECaring for Your Introvert 
• Cartoons (re. Is) tell the story

 

 

 

PREJUDICES & Corrections (cont.)

😺 EMOTIONAL
FALSE: They’re not emotional
TRUTH : The opposite is true – Introverts tend to have very deep feelings, but keep then inside, preferring to control their emotions around others, & in fact are much more even-keeled than Es, even under stress. In conversation, they may not show feelings with facial expressions or gestures, but it doesn’t mean they’re not interested – they usually are

FALSE: They have low self-esteem
TRUTH : Both Es & Is can have S-H, which is be expressed in different ways, but being internally oriented does not indicate lack of self-confidence

FALSE: They’re shy
TRUTH: Shyness is about being afraid of people, which has nothing to do with Introversion. Is need a reason to interact – not just for the sake of being ‘social’. If you want to talk to an Introvert, it’s up to you to get it started, without being impolite or pushy (Article)

FALSE: They’re isolators
TRUTH: Just as Is are not inherently shy (fear-based), they’re not isolators by ‘nature’, which also comes from fear, lack of boundaries & poor self-esteem. It’s just that they’re perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts, working out problems or solving puzzles. But they do crave someone to share their ideas & discoveries with, one person at a time who is authentic, intelligent & sincere

FALSE: Introverts aren’t happy (or – Es are happier)
TRUTH: Is & Es are happy in different ways. Is prefer low-arousal good feelings & like to be peaceful & relaxed. Es are happier with exciting activities & people

👥 SOCIAL
FALSE: They’re uptight party-poopers & can’t have fun (relax)
TRUTH: Because Es & Is have different dominant neuro-pathways, Is are not thrill seekers & adrenaline junkies. Their brains are too sensitive to Dopamine, which is generated by lots of activity.
Interesting: A 2006 Japanese study found Is to have lower blood pressure

• They just tailor their fun to suit their unique needs – like book clubs, blogging, designing web-comics, listening to frogs in a pond, quilting, throwing pottery, watching sports on tv….. They typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places, & will shut down if there’s too much talking or other noise.

FALSE: They don’t like to go out in public
TRUTH: Is don’t want to be around a lot of hubbub for too long. Turning down social invitations they know will drain them is simply a way to take care of themselves – not weird or insulting.
When they are out, they don’t need to be somewhere for long to “get it,” since they take in experiences & info quickly. They may well have enjoyed the time somewhere, but if they always leave events early, it’s because they’re tank is full. They’re ready to go home, recharge & process it all

FALSE: They don’t like (hate) people & have no friends

TRUTH: Is are thoughtful & occasionally skeptical people, valuing calmness & intelligence. They don’t hate people, only too much hoopla (unlike the robot in “Short Circuit”, begging for “More Input, more input…!”).

• They don’t want to be alone. They may struggle to form friendships because they’re selective, looking for people who’ll make valuable long-term companions.
While they may only have a few friends, they value them greatly. If you’re lucky enough to be one of those few, you probably have a loyal ally for life. If you’ve earned their respect for being a person of substance, be complimented

NEXT: Introvert  T or F (#3)

INTROVERTS – True or False (Part 1)

PREVIOUS: Introvert Intro #2

SITEs: “How to piss off an Introvert” (a List)

Revenge of the Introverts (scroll down)

Es = Extroverts // Is = Introverts

PREJUDICES & Corrections

😱  GENERAL
FALSE: You are either an introvert or an extrovert
TRUTH: Introversion & extroversion is on a continuum, & complex. While some people land more at one extreme or the other, most people have some of both tendencies, quiet in some situations & loud in others, alternating between grabbing the spotlight & standing in the wings….. Some studies indicate Is are up to 50% of the U.S. population, while others say that Es dominate western cultures. Ours definitely favors E behavior, considering it ‘better’ for success. Not true – since both Types shine in many of the same areas of life, but with a different emphasis on style & interactions

FALSE: They’re all weird
TRUTH: Introverts are often individualists, ‘following their own drummer’, valuing eccentricity, not making most decisions by what’s popular or trendy. They think for themselves, often challenging the norm, & prefer being valued for their uniqueness

FALSE: They’re stuck-up nerds

TRUTH: It’s not that they don’t notice what’s going on around them (most are actually very observant), it’s just that their inner world is much more interesting & rewarding to them. Without Is there would be few artists, doctors, filmmakers, musicians, mathematicians, poets, philosophers, scientists, writers…. They need to be acknowledges for their inborn temperament, & respected for their contributions to humanity 
SEE: “Top 10 Benefits Of Being An Introvert

FALSE: They’re sneaky & devious
TRUTH: Because they go off by themselves a lot & don’t share themselves willy-nilly, Es can be suspicious, assuming they’re hiding something. Instead, Is simply need alone-time to revitalize – not making plans to swindle, steal or take over the world (like in “Pinky & the Brain”)

FALSE: Introversion is ‘wrong’, so Is need to become extroverted

TRUTH: There’s nothing to fix, because they’re not broken! Since it’s the way one is born, no matter to what degree, it’s as ‘normal’ as one’s height, gender, nationality……

🤓 MENTAL
FALSE: They’re mentally inept, even stupid
TRUTH: As a group they’re intelligent & insightful. Anyone willing to observe & listen to them will find them a fountain of useful knowledge, with well-constructed thinking. Being quiet does not = stupidity, just like being loud doesn’t = intelligence One study (Silverman, 1986) suggests that people with higher IQ tend to be more introverted (along with curiosity, concentration, wide interests…..), but Introversion itself does not cause brainyness

FALSE: They are arrogant
TRUE: No more than some Es – arrogance is an equal-opportunity flaw. It’s normal for Is to be preoccupied with thinking & processing info internally, which can get them labeled as snobby, like they think they’re superior. Actually, Is are cool in the beginning with people they don’t know, waiting to see who they’re dealing with, but warm up if the other person is sincere

FALSE: They don’t like to talk
TRUTH: They’re more likely to be listen carefully, & to think before contributing.  If there are a lot of people around (mostly Es), Is can have a hard time getting a word in edgewise, so they’re quiet, but alert. They don’t see any point in voicing a well thought-out opinion if it will fall on deaf ears. But get an introvert started on something they’re interested in, & they won’t shut up for days. There are some Is who talk to everyone they run into, but they keep it light, saving depth for a few intimates.

NEXT: Introverts T or F #2

MBTI : INTROVERSION – Intro (Part 2)

PREVIOUS: Intro #1

SITEs: Seeking Pleasure & Avoiding Pain
Sensitivity to Reward and Punishment

 INTROVERTS (Is):
• Are deliberate, independent, & tend to keep emotions private
• Are seen as reserved but ‘centered’, which seems to have a calming effect on those around them (even if they’re boiling inside)

• Focused on inner mental activity. Tend to be self-aware, interested in self-knowledge & self-understanding
• Enjoy understanding details, learn well through observation

• Can spend too much time reflecting, & not taking enough action, or not acting quickly enough when needed
•  They sometimes forget to check with the outside world to see if their ideas really fit their internal experience or with reality (more on Es vs Is chart)

REWARD vs PUNISHMENT
The 2 halves of the brain control opposite psychological functions.
😀 The LEFT frontal hemisphere is more active when we experience pleasant emotions (reward approach = BAS)
☹️ The RIGHT frontal is more activated by unpleasant emotions (punishment withdrawal = BIS).
Also, anticipation of both reward & punishment is associated with the orbito-frontal cortex (BAS and BIS).

BAS: The Behavioral Activation System is a positive feedback device, based in the interactions between a dorsal & a ventral brain subsystem (see E & I brains #2). BAS signals the end of punishment, & helps us recognize external PPT as potentially rewarding, which triggers a desire to move toward them. This system is associated with Extroversion.
A person with a very reactive BAS is especially sensitive to reward incentives (sex, money, prizes….), & their ability to stop their behavior decreases as they approach a goal – making them progressively more impulsive.

Note: People with weaker urges & desires (low BAS) tend to be more Introverted, while those with strong urges & desires (high BAS activity) are usually more Extroverted.

BIS: In contrast, Introverts (Is) are strongly influenced by the brain’s Behavioral Inhibition System, causing them to be less externally active/reactive. It’s a negative feedback device (inhibiting, to stop behavior) generated by brain structures that are part of the septo-hippocampal system, which increases a person’s attention & sensitivity to environmental cues that indicate frustration (lack of reward), uncertainty (novelty) or punishment (various forms).

In immediate or potentially dangerous situations, the effect of BIS activation is to increase anxiety, which makes us quickly limit, avoid or stop any behavior that can cause us trouble. It also helps us use & remember current events as predictors of future events that are most likely to be unsafe.

How do we know Is correlate more with the BIS?
An MRI study of 30 ‘normal’ volunteers examined the possible connection between BIS reactions & the hippocampal structure. It showed that the larger the hippocampus the higher the scores were on the Sensitivity to Punishment scale, & this was found mainly on the brain’s Right side. (More….)

This is relevant because the longer acetylcholine pathway in the brain of Is includes the hippocampus, which is not part of the shorter Extrovert dopamine path. People with an over-worked Right fore-brain (intense BIS), are slower to act, & more susceptible to unpleasant emotions such as anxiety, fear & sadness. (see Post: “Growth for Is – #1″) (More….)

Note: When the BIS is activated too often & for too long (as in a traumatic childhood), it causes emotional & physical damage, such as depression, PTSD, exhaustion, chronic illnesses….
Interesting: Psychopaths have high BAS & low BIS quotients

• More CHARTS from Illustrations That Are All Too Real For Is
posted by Anna Borges on BuzzFeed (8/12/15)


QUESTIONNAIRE

NOTE – Since we are all some mixture of E & I, it’s possible to answer True to many of these Qs but actually be an E. That could be so – not only because of the mood you’re in when taking the test – but because of your age, profession, state of health…. So if you’re mainly an E – while you need regular periods of down time like Is – you’re still very comfortable mingling with lots of people, & enjoys busy, complex places.
☆ To identify as either E or I – look for your most consistent preferences over a lifetime.

 

ALSO: Extended QUESTIONNAIRE

NEXT:

MBTI : INTROVERSION – Intro (Part 1)

PREVIOUS: E/I Anatomy #2

SITE: MBTI historical info

BOOK: “Introvert Guide to Self-love” – by Luna & Sol


NOTE:
Introversion is NOT isolation.
Dr. Carl Jung identified it as an “attitude type” (inborn), observing that Introversion & Extroversion are both healthy variations in personality style. (See earlier posts)

DEF: Introverts (Is) are both energized & rested by drawing energy from their own thoughts & feelings, comfortable with solitary activities, & so place less emphasis on ‘people skills’ & talking. They perform well in analytical roles that require focus & logic.

Based on Jonathan Cheek’s research, there are 4 styles of Introversion:
• Social: Prefer to stay at home with quiet activities, or hang out with a few close friends instead of events with lots of strangers (NOT shyness)
• Thinking: Very introspective, thoughtful & self-reflective, highly creative, often daydreamers with a rich imagination. Occasionally don’t mind a busy social scene
• Reserved: Operate at a slower pace, think before acting, careful decision-makers & take time to start things

• Anxious: Not confident in social settings, often worried about what could go wrong (projecting). Painful shy around others, especially strangers or with new people. Nor does the anxiety always go away when they’re alone, because later they obsess about how they ‘failed’

EDITORIAL: Since Is are naturally wired a specific way, the last type may actually be one of the other 3, but wounded in childhood. Introversion does not by itself cause dysfunction!

Interesting: Researchers discovered that Introverted participants who acted like Es – when taking cognitive tests – had slower reaction times than Is who were being themselves. The effort & time they wasted trying to be something they’re not naturally wired for – was distracting & depleting. This especially applies to Is having to fake it for a long time. They can give themselves the freedom to be the way they’re ‘built’, even if the rest of the world keeps trying to mold them into Es.

Misleading: Many illustrations & cartoons portray Is as awkward, misfits, fearful & unfriendly – all signs of emotional damage. Es often judge Is as isolators, but that’s caused by FoA, S-H & lack of Bs, not Introversion.
In fact – it’s not unusual for Is to be gregarious, helpful, charming, warm & prodigious talkers. It’s just that they need more alone-time than Es to recover from all that expended energy
)👁 👁(
Using the O.C.E.A.N inventory, National Institute on Aging researchers Paul Costa & Robert McCrae expanded on the Big 5 characteristics, to include 6 facets within each dimension.
Introverts high on:
1. Activity Level – like to take it easy, are laid back & react slowly as situations develop
2. Assertiveness – let others lead the way, stay in the background & keep their opinions to themselves. Really don’t like to be pushy or demanding

3. Excitement – need peace & quiet, perfectly happy with daily routines. They make better roommates or neighbors since they prefer a steady, quiet lifestyle
4. Gregariousness – are friendly but do just fine by themselves, avoid crowds, preferring quiet activities such as reading or reviewing their day

5. Positive emotion – are usually content without show it outwardly. They’re not as likely to express strong emotions, but feel them deeply
6. Warmth – are hard to get to know at first, & can feel uncomfortable around people they don’t know well. They hold back in social situations, waiting to be approached, but may be the most interesting ones around

ACoAs
Most Introverts (Is) were not accepted by family, school & friends, the majority of whom are Es & think typical Is are weird or disobedient. But if only someone had understood their basic traits & been willing to accept & encourage them, it would have fostered self-esteem & made life much easier.

Now we can use this info helps us better understand & accept our mates, friends, bosses…., but especially ourselves, so we can treat our WIC with greater clarity & compassion. And anyone who has an internally oriented son or daughter can help them flourish, no matter what age

• CHARTS : Illustrations That Are All Too Real For Is
posted by Anna Borges on BuzzFeed (8/12/15)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEXT:  Introverts = Intro #2

MBTI – Introvert vs Extrovert ANATOMY (Part 2)

 

PREVIOUS: E/I anatomy #1

SITE: “How to read body language…”

 

Es = Extroverts
Is = Introverts

👁 👁 3. EYES
Some studies suggest that eyes of Es are drawn to warmer colors, like red & orange (exciting), while eyes of Is go toward cooler ones like blue & green (quiet). It may be related to Es finding their energy in activities, people & things, while Is are more energized from within.

There are 2 primary iris types – Jewel & Flower, modified by 2 secondary patterns – either Stream or Shaker. (longer descriptions). Personality styles are different for each, modified by other factors such as birth order, physical environment …..
Iris structure indicates a fundamental genetic tendency, rather than what someone has developed or learned throughout life. (shorter)

JEWEL: Thinking-oriented, analytical type // FLOWER: Feeling-oriented type
STREAM: Kinesthetic type  // SHAKER: Extremist or movement-oriented type

Using the structural indicators of a person’s heritage – irises of Is & Es were compared by looking at the ring of expression, based on variations in fiber density encircling the pupil. This physical ring suggests how far out from their core a person is psychologically willing to extend themselves (E vs I style), & how easy it is for others to pick up on their energy field.

For Extroverts – the ring is quite a distance from the pupil, (arrows), easily noticeable, showing a greater outward-orientation.
It’s considered a physical expression of the basic underlying E personality:
The wider the eye’s central aperture, the easier & ‘wider’ Es may express themselves, since they’re more likely to extend themselves to whoever’s nearby

With Introverts, the ring of expression is so close to the pupil that it’s much harder to find – one has to get very close & really focus to see it at all. This is considered a reflection of the I style – the tendency to be invisible – a familiar but irritating & perplexing condition (to Es). It’s especially noticeable in withdrawn ‘extreme introverts’. (see last ¶ in Part 1)

👍🏽 👎🏽 4. HANDS
Using the ‘BIG 5’ Dimensions, research exploring hand prints identified 6 different sets of ‘vertical’ patterns for Es & Is, consistent in both male & female groups. (Holland, 1992)
Recent studies have added a 7th vertical hand factor related to these dermato-glyphic lines, making it possible to separate all Es from all Is who were studied. Detailed phantom pictures made for the hand help to identify underlying biological mechanisms. (⬇ CHART info) (Also See Google Images)

NOTE that these finding represent averages – interesting but not definitive. EXP:  Based on the charts, this female ENFJ has • the long middle finger AND the head-line crease not quite touching the life-line of introverts, BUT • the wider palm width of extroverts & the relatively straight unconnected heart-line of ambiverts                                                      

 

EXTROVERT hand indicators
Shape: • Shorter palm width, relative to breadth
• Hi mount of moon vs. mount of venus
Fingers: • short, relative to palm breadth
• Low 2D:4D digit ratio (thumb to ring finger)
Lines: • Sharply curved upward heart-line crease
• Heart-line crease connected to life-line

INTROVERT hand indicators are the reverse.

👄 5. LANGUAGE / Talking
People communicate differently because of the longer vs shorter brain-blood-pathway, which can lead to forming the wrong conclusions about each other, causing many misunderstandings
Es tend to engage by jumping into conversation, without enough reflection. Is are more likely to take the time to think, which can make them seem ‘slow’ or stuck-up

Es talk more abstractly, (“This article is interesting / Lets get some food”). Most are spontaneous, moving quickly thru their life, so are not as verbally accurate or detailed. People scoring higher in extroversion tended to use more words having to do with relationships

• Is are more concrete (“This article is very informative / Maybe we could go for dinner”). They tend to be more cautious (with words like: perhaps, maybe…), use more articles (the/a) – which refer to objects or events rather than people, & more quantifiable terms (#s, dates, times….)

Re. learning a second language, Es have the upper hand because they’re more willing to push whatever they know to the limit. Unlike Is, they take more risks in using what they learn – more willing to make conversation in the new language, in & out of the classroom.

NEXT: