Fear of Commitment – RECOVERY

don't suffer

I’ll commit to it whole-heatedly

PREVIOUS: Fear of Comm. – ACoAs #6

SITE: FoC Workbook: How To Overcome Fear Of Commitment
Help: Relax, listen, absorb – short MP3 hypnosis script
NLP “Anchoring to overcome Commitment phobia

COMMITMENT to something / someone is one of life’s most empowering (& liberating) experiences. It’s how we achieve, how we grow, how we learn, how we love. Commitment is driven by a passion to a person or thing. If there’s a solid & compelling enough reason for WHY we want something, we WILL find a HOW to achieve that goal.

IRONY: It’s both a freedom & a binding – but only to what we want or need. It’s one of the most worthwhile ways to use personal choice – to ‘tie’ ourselves to a person, place or thing (PPT) – for some period of time – that we work towards, have or love. Yes, commitment is love. It’s the freedom to invent our own life, by expressing our True Self.

4. CHANGING the RE-ENACTMENT (Point #2, Parts 1 – 6)
If passion & love fuel a desire to commit to something, why do ACoAs avoid it like the plague it? Following Toxic family Rules, the WIC’s terror, & long-term depression numb us to passion. Of course many ACoAs are passionately committed to one thing – not getting abandoned! That’s the WIC’s main goal in life, whether by clinging or by isolating. ACoAs are more focused on feeling safe than on getting love. But we can’t feel truly saloving parentfe until we thoroughly care about ourselves, but giving up S-H is an uphill battle.

• Each of these fears is a direct outcome of an unsafe childhood. So all of the ‘corrections’ will inevitably have to do with developing a Loving Parent to help the WIC heal, so it can gradually start living in the present (using book-ending & other tools….), instead of in its unhappy past.
a. AbandonmentBY gradually, patiently allowing yourself to connect with the backlog of original pain, eliminating S-H by getting it in every cell of your physical & spiritual body that the pain you grew up in was not caused by you!
b. Leaving FamilyBY forming alliances with a variety of groups that are working towards: mental health, spiritual growth, social progress, sharing a passion & having fun

c. Being Vulnerable BY finding out your needs & using them to form strong boundaries – but not walls
d. Being TrappedBY using your boundaries & choices to decide who, what or where to stay with

e. ResponsibilityBY knowing what’s your responsibility to self & a few others, & what is NOT. Each adult is responsible for themselves. You are not their Higher Power
f. S & IBY growing your own UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult), which the IC can totally depend on, instead of our wounded family

g. Losing Control BY keeping track of your own emotions & motives, so that you’re Adult is in charge of your actions, not the PP or WIC. Then others cannot control you
h. Making Mistakes BY understanding that all humans make mistakes, & that mistakes are how we learn

i. CompromiseBY understanding & accepting that bending a little, when it’s not SO important, allows you to not break (rigid vs flexible tree)
j. The TruthBY being surrounded by others doing the same FoO work, so you can gradually drop your denial, & mourn your losses

a. helperSelf-careBY getting the knowledge of how to do it, & the help to stay on track
b. ReceivingBY believing that you are not supposed to be able to do everything yourself, have a right to get help, & most people like to help
c. Being LovedBY learning that love is available – from yourself and from people who are already capable. Also, love is not being totally taken care of by others. It can come is small doses, in unsuspected form, by a variety of PPT.

d. VisibilityBY trying out small ways of being seen – by the right people, taking in compliments & encouragement, and then expressing more & more of your True Self.
e. PeacefulnessBY learning to feel the difference between the numbness of being emotionally shut down vs. the inner quiet of being comfortable & anxiety-free. This is not supposed to be all the time, just more often than not.

Success Habits” from Life Change 90 (a program of daily activities designed to instill success habits), can help us work toward a more fulfilled life.. It doesn’t have to take a a big chunk of time – once the resistance to doing it fades – they can be done quickly & in small steps. They represent an outline for committing to oneself, the first stage in committing to others in a safe way. To achieve our goals, along with passion we need to ‘work smart’ – making sure we develop a practical plan & find a supportive environment to work in, as we dream & take adult actions.

: over-view of every day’s actions
• Be clear on your main goal, consciously making it a prioritydaily
• Have specific daily goals, plans & steps to achievement
• Form problem-solving strategies for issues that won’t go away
• Notice: Over-all mental state, + Emotions, mood shifts,
• Keep track of finances, & spending habits
• Be Grateful for what you DO have, & for bad things you DON’T
• Review events of each day, & see what you learned from them

Healthy commitment is a form of visibility. To ACoAs being visible means risking abandonment, failure, jealousy & rejection. BUT when we accept all parts of ourselves without harsh judgment, choose well, have good boundaries, know our rights & trust ourselves – we can go for the gold!


Fear of Commitment – ACoAs (Part 6)

too much love 

makes my head hurt!

PREVIOUS: FoC – Part 5

SITE: How to Cure Commitment Phobia” – NLP ‘secrets’

SELF-DEFEATING re-enactment (cont.)
POSITIVE things which interfere with our willingness to Commit :
c. F of receiving To the WIC, C. to others means making oneself vulnerable. AND it exposes us to good things we never had before, which will open the floodgates of need & longing – & drown us!
• Healthy commitments allow us to get some of our needs from outside sources, whether from a person, a career, an animal…. all of which scare the WIC. We’re hungry for recognition & nourishment, but are forbidden. Our injunction against Receiving is bone deep, especially for the Hero & Lost Child.

• Some TOXIC Rules include: “I’m always supposed to struggle but never get there / It’s weak & shameful to need help / I’m not important or valuable / I have no rights / No one can see me….”. TO ACoAs, Receiving means: > breaking family rules > being weak & needy
> being selfish & greedy, when others are suffering
> getting something we don’t deserve > being arrogant, presumptuous

Receiving can come in 2 broad categories:
• Getting something because we actually asked. Being direct aboutgiven to
what we need is not only forbidden by the PP, but the WIC also objects:  ➼ If we have to ask – then getting it doesn’t count!
This makes sense if you’re in infant & can’t talk – you’re depending on the adults to know what you need. Of course, many of us didn’t have those kind of parents taking care of us, so we’re still stuck back there, in the emotional infant-toddler stage, waiting, waiting…..
But this passivity is not appropriate for adult. It is our responsibility to know what we needsurprise gift & then ask for whatever we can’t supply for ourselves.

• Getting something without asking, because someone offered & is being generous. Naturally, with our background of abuse & deprivation, the WIC doesn’t believe anyone would give us something ‘just because’. Not only are we unworthy, but everyone has to have an ulterior motive & it’s up to us to figure out what they want form us.

d. F of Visibility. To the WIC, C. to anything means everyone can see us, in all our imperfections & ‘badness’.
If we combine the fears OF: Abandonment + Compromise + Losing Control + Making mistakes + Responsibility, one of the things we end up with is a deep terror of being fully visible. It would mean exposing ourselves to the whole world as undeserving frauds, with “Who do you think you are?” echoing in our head.

➼ This is the fear of ‘stepping into our power’, being smart, knowing our rights & being able to shine. In addition to all the verbal & physical abuse we endured for just being a normal child, many of us got smacked down very badly if we ever let some of that strength out, so invisiblenow we compulsively hide most of what we’re inherently capable of. It is so foreign & undeserved, that to let others actually SEE us feels life-and-death dangerous.
— Also, our co-dependence tells us that if we outshine others, we will have made them feel bad about themselves, they won’t like us, AND we’re terrified of the backlash of their envy.

e. F of Peacefulness. To the WIC, C. to anything means to be bored to tears. ACoAs are adrenaline junkies, ‘addicted to negative excitement’ (#8), always creating or inviting situations that make life more complicated & stressful. That includes those of us who are isolated & withdrawn: their form of excitement is mainly internal – the mental ‘spinning’ of obsessive self-hate & worry. Both types create unnecessary drama as a re-enactment of the way our parents functioned + the chaos we lived in. Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 8.55.38 PM

• To be calm, quiet, peaceful, not-anxious makes no sense to ACoAs. Without constant anxiety we feel empty, & so we call it boredom. Actually it’s healthy, but we have to get used to it, by filling it with love for ourselves. Even tho the compulsion to be a ’drama queen /king’ is unconscious, we’re still responsible for replacing it with a saner way of life.

NEXT: Recovering from FoC

Fear of Commitment – ACoAs (Part 5)


I always have to be ‘on’

PREVIOUS: FoC – Part 4

QUOTE: “It is character that gets us out of bed, commitment that moves us to action, & discipline that enables us to follow through.” Zig Ziglar, motivational speaker & author

2. RE-ENACTING (cont.)
j. Fear of the Truth. To the WIC, C. to our growth & Recovery means admitting we failed – somehow!. Also, we’ll have to feel all that pain – & then we’ll go crazy or die!
ACoAs are intensely resistant to acknowledging how traumatic our childhood really was, & how severely damaged we are as a result. We love our family & don’t want to face how abusive & emotionally unavailable they were. Review (DMs – ACoAs). “Denial is not a river in Egypt!” (de Nile) says the pun. Denial prevents us from healing our wounds, which then keeps us from finding & keeping nourishing relationships.

One way this is expressed is seen in the chart.  When we continually act out either STAYERstay/leaveor LEAVER ‘position’, as a form of false protection, we know that our WIC is in charge. “Leaving” isn’t just about walking away. It’s any form of being withholding, distant, ‘cool’, emotionally detached. Both groups are equally terrified of commitment, but it’s more visible in Leavers. C = Conscious / UC = Unconscious FoA = fear of Abandonment / FoC = fear of Commitment

3. SELF-DEFEATING re-enactment
There are also some POSITIVE things which interfere with our willingness to Commit – to ourselves & to others.
a. Fear of self-careTo the WIC, C. to ourselves means having to give up the fantasy that someone will come along & rescue us.
12-Step Programs remind us that to truly progress, we need to put our Recovery first, before all else. This is particularly true for newcomers. Making a commitment to ourselves:
• requires the guts to go against all our early training, managing the resulting guilt & backlash

• means re-defining terms like ‘selfish, normal, fair, family, love’…. self-care
➼ If you’re in Integrity – being true to deepest self – & are accused of Selfishness, it simply means you aren’t doing what the other person wants. Don’t let someone guilt you into betraying your observations, values & beliefs. You can comply with their wishes if it suits you, but not from FoA.

• means talking to the WIC every day, along with meetings, 2-handed writing, books, therapy…. as much as possible. Once our Inner Child trusts that we will consistently show up for it, making a commitment to others won’t be so scary.

b. F of being treated well & loved. To the WIC, C. to anything or anyone positive, means having to feel the contrast between the suffering our family (& others) put us thru – against – what we begin to see we could have / should have had. Painful & enraging.
• The beliefs listed above also apply to being loved, which is a fundamental & universal human need we had very little of, when we needed it the most! Many of us actually believe that wanting to be loved is a character defect! This is why we are attracted to & stay with PPT, which are either blatantly bad for us, not actually bad but unsuited to our True Self, or which only partially meet our needs. Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 7.21.10 PM

• We fear being disloyal to our parents, not wanting to let go of them
Being treated with respect, consideration, patience, admiration, encouragement…. forces us to FEEL the painful contrast against what we grew up with. It makes us realize how much we missed out on, & to think: “I could have had a V-8!” – I mean: “I didn’t cause the pain I grew up with. With healthier parents I would have been safe & loved!”

NEXT: FoC – part 5

Fear of Commitment – ACoAs (Part 4)


my whole world collapses

PREVIOUS: FoC – Part 3

QUOTE: “Commitment unlocks the doors of imagination, allows vision & gives us the ‘right stuff’ to turn our dreams into reality.” James Womack, founder of the Lean Enterprise Inst.

2. RE-ENACTING (cont.)
h. F. of making mistakes. To the WIC, C. is not possible because we’ll never be able to ‘do it’ perfectly.
Punishment / rejection: We were continually punished or made fun of for things we: were never taught / had difficulty learning / took too long to ‘get’ / were simply too young to know / could not possibly have known, at any age / were deliberately left out of ….. So now we can’t take the chance of not knowing everything & being seen as ‘frauds’.
If commitment means intimacy, then letting someone inside our defenses means exposing how imperfect we are, & then they’ll punish or leave us!

Greed: The WIC, being deprives of so much growing up, now wants everything at once, & can’t tolerate being told NO about anything. So, when there’s a decision to be made among 2 or more options, we want to do them all, afraid to choose one & have to let go of the other(s), afraid of picking the wrong one & being disappointed – again

Confusion: It’s not knowing ourselves well enough to choose among options or possibilities, based on our True Self – whether picking the right kind of mate, the right kind of career, the ‘right’ spiritual path, even down to the right kind of food, clothing & entertainment. It’s not being allowed to admit what we want or need. So many opportunities for making mistakes!mistakes

Failures: Not having a Loving Parent & access to our True Self, we’ve already made many unhappy life choices – of friends, lovers, jobs, homes, hair cuts…. so we’re convinced we’re doomed to never do any better. We keep forgetting (or don’t know) that our ‘picker’ has been a combination of the WIC & the PP. When those ego states no longer run our life, we can choose better, & so can commit to safe, suitable PPTs.

i. F of Compromise. To the WIC, C. to anything means always having to giving in to others – yet again! Having had to give up so much of our identity as kids, ACoAs fiercely cling to whatever shreds of ourselves we’ve pieced together over the years – which are usually based on S-H, Toxic Rules, our family Role & a few genuine aspects of ourself. In AA those shreds are called “Self-will run riot”, which really means our WIC is in charge – using it’s defense mechanisms to survive, and believing those behavior patterns (character defects) represent our real personality.

• Not having legitimate boundaries, we can’t bear the idea of meeting someone even part of the way, for fear of disappearing completely. We ‘can’t afford’ to take into account all the ways they’re different from us – their personality, idiosyncrasies, or their woundedness – if it means changing some of our habits or way of thinking. If feels like loss of freedom, so the child panics, sure that ‘giving in’ would mean being back home & having to negate ourselves. But healthy compromise allows for both people to get their needs met. It is not co-dependence, which excludes ourselves in favor of another.MY WAY

➼ Of course, this includes another ACoA Double Bind: We give ourselves away completely, while being unwilling to bend

• We also are afraid of conforming to social requirement or norms – a dress code for work, the authority of a boss, a different ‘language’ for different venues… We have to always be RIGHT & do things a certain way – which usually turns out to be our family’s way, not actually our own. Al-Anon asks: “Would you rather be right, or be happy?” The child’s answer is: BOTH! But compromise can mean choosing one or the other.

If you know yourself well, make 3 separate lists, of THINGS:
— you absolutely need – can not or will not give up, change, or modify. This list is usually the shortest & you need to be sure it really is from your True Self, using the UNIT. If this includes things about a person, job, object, locations… which truly does not suit you – it’s imperative to get away as soon as you can (not just as a ‘geographic’ escape)

— you like, prefer, even love, but are willing to work around. It means sometimes you go somewhere or do something you want, alternating with things the other person wants. It requires enough recovery to not feel resentful or diminished when you don’t get your way
3. that aren’t that important or meaningful to you, one way or another – so the other person or situation can have it their way, & it’s no skin off your nose.

➼ In REALITY – if we commit to anything, from a healthy sense of self – a career, a person, a pet, a location… – we do have to adjust ourselves somewhat to their requirements or needs, BUT without losing ourselves.

NEXT: FoC – Part 5

Fear of Commitment – ACoAs (Part 3)


but no one seems to want me!

PREVIOUS: FoC – ACoAs, Part 2

SITE: Commitment Phobics – playing out a dysfunctional family role

QUOTE: “Commitment is healthiest when it’s not without doubt, but in spite of doubt.” ~ Dr. Rollo May, psychologist
“If you deny yourself commitment, what can you do with your life?” ~ Harvey Fierstein, actor, writer, director

Many ACoAs long for a positive, steady relationship & a better over-all life. Yet no matter how hard they try they keep missing the brass ring. The WIC’s terror of reproducing the dangerous intimacy of our original Parent-Child bond is so strong it prevents us from finding the love & acceptance we crave. What can make the difference is the creation of a strong, healthy internal Loving Parent who will pull the WIC away from the PP, proving there is another way to bond with others – safely.

f. F of S & ITo the WIC, C. to anything or anyone means that no one will ever take care of us. ACoAs are addicted to our sick family & their way of functioning in the world. Being symbiotically intertwined with parents &/or siblings, we still believe everything they implied or told us about ourselves & the world (review “S & I”, and Toxic Family Rules”), making everything unsafe, so we might as well stay with what we know. The WIC wants safety even more than love, and what is ‘safe’ is what it knows. In that way we are indeed committed, but not to ourselves or to mental /emotional & spiritual health.

g. F. of losing control – OPPOSITE of being ‘in control’, of ourself & our life, which eliminates being able to fully commit. To the WIC, C. to anything means many ‘unbearable’ things: accepting how things really are, giving up absolute autonomy or getting our way / ‘allowing’ others to be different from us / having to move on…. lose control
We violently resist the middle “A” (Acceptance) or any suggestions to “let go – with love, let go – let God, let go – with sadness, disappointment, anger…” – any way we can, but LET GO. We believe that WE have to be constantly alert to preventing others from having power over us, and stop the ‘craziness’ of addicts & narcissists from engulf us, which many of us kept trying to do in our home – unsuccessfully. And some of us still do, no matter how futile or unnecessary!

ACoAs project our S-H & paranoia out on the whole world, perpetuating our deep fear & mistrust. As adults, being controlling is a substitute for having real boundaries – mental & emotional walls the WIC thinks will protect us from actual or imagined dangers.

• If we were raised in great emotional & physical chaos, many of us will spend all our energy as adults trying to keep people-places-things (PPT) in our tight grip. The assumption is that if we don’t, everything will spin out of control, even if the present day circumstances are actually much more manageable.

• If we were raised in an uptight, controlling environment – we’ll either rebel & want no limits at all, or follow the family pattern & be uptight, rigid & overly-fussy. In any case, which ever style we choose will be the result of birth order & our Toxic Family Role (Hero //  Placater), but will also have a great deal to do with our native personality.

Needing to control everything & everyone in our environment is both a way to prevent in controlothers from getting too close (intimate), as well as trying to keep them attached to us.
Overtly: Telling everyone what they should be doing, feeling & thinking – that it’s our way or the highway. Being pushy, aggressive, ‘difficult’, demanding…. It’s presumptuous & insulting – the controller’s assumption is that they’re the only one who knows how to do things, knows what’s best, what’s RIGHT, & how things should be done!
See Posts: “Controlling & Abandonment” //  “ACoAs – Getting controlled

Covertly: Many ACoAs are sure they’re not controlling, because they don’t recognize how they do it, because it’s indirect & sneaky – by omissions, withholding & people-pleasing.
Some ways:
— BY consistently denying oneself (needs emotions, opinions…) in favor of another. It’s a way to manipulate how someone behaves & how they feel about us, or prevent them from leaving (abandoning us).
— BY withholding – affection, communication, decisions, preferences….
— BY always being a victim, sickly or incompetent, so others have to take care of us or clean up our messes
— BY rescuing, people-pleasing…., to change someone or something into what we want, so we won’t have to leave & start over

NEXT: FoC, Part 4

Fear of Commitment – ACoAs (Part 2)

acoas fear 

who tries to love me

PREVIOUS: FoC – ACoAs, Part 3a

SITE:10 most common fear” & more….

QUOTE: ‘The worst thing isn’t fear of commitment – the worst thing is being with the wrong person because of fear of loneliness”. ~ ANON

2. RE-ENACTING (cont.)
As stated in Part 1, besides ‘close’ relationships, FoC also shows up as not giving our all at school or work, at home or in public…. It’s a fear of giving our best, convinced that our best will be considered “not good enough”. That leaves us ashamed, lonely & scared.
BUT – ‘not-our-best’ according to whom??? Well, as long as our WIC is running things (via beliefs & emotions) we are living in the past, assuming everyone will treat us exactly like our family did/does, even when we’ve had many experiences to the contrary.

a. F. of Abandonment (Part 1)

b. F of leaving family of originwe can’t C. to anything we would like if it takes us away from ‘them’. IF WE:
— are so ‘under their thumb’ that we’re not allowed to make our own choices, or let family pick for you (mates, career, where to live…)
— have emotional incest ties to a parent, we can’t have our own dyad
— are still dealing with a parent who is still an active addict, mentally ill or otherwise impaired, so we feel compelled to keep taking care of them, instead of ourselves

c. F of being vulnerable To the WIC, C. to anything is leaving oneself open to all kinds Vulnetableof danger. As long as the WIC is in charge of relationships (of any kind), it believes that letting someone in, to see the ‘real us’ leaves us open to being hurt again. Of course the tragedy is that without enough recovery, it is exactly that ego-state which chooses our relationships – always unsuitable, unfulfilling or outright dangerous – which inevitably does add to our suffering! This fear leads to over-protecting ourselves, which can create a Double Bind – we’re damned if we pick someone to stay with (symbiosis), we’re damned if we keep everyone away (false boundaries).

d. F of being trappedTo the WIC, C. to anything means never being able have our own space to breathe, NOR to get out of it, if it doesn’t work out the way we hoped.
As kids we were trapped with ‘them’, & they were trapped with each other, in dead-end jobs, with relatives they hated, & most of all trapped in their own damage. We swore we’d never let that happen to us, so now we never commit to anything or anyone. We get trapped because of
• NO Options: not being allowed to choose (lovers, friends, mates…) for ourselves, whoever wants us gets us,whether we actually want them or not
• NO Boundaries – we automatically disappear / lose ourselves when around others, especially a mate. Not having access to our True Self, we don’t know what our needs, wants or tastes are, come here-go awayso we go along with whatever others expect, want, demand, imply…. This causes us to feel suffocated, ‘swamped’, overwhelmed when we / they get too close.
• NO Freedom: we’re stuck because, along with our own FoA, we’re not allowed to leave one of our toxic family rule: “If you don’t like you have to stay”). ACoAs react in one of 2 ways:
— either staying way too long in bad or unsuitable situations OR
— compulsively come & go, isolate or just keep running
A common pattern:“Come here-Go away” dance of FoC (see ‘Boundaries, Part 4’)

e. F. of responsibility
as kidsTo the WIC, C. meant we had to be responsible for everyone & everything, & no one taking care of us. We were forced to be responsible (R) for our unhappy angry, crazy, drunk parents, & sometimes our siblings. Many of us had to be the ‘designated adult’ even when we were very little, because of their incompetence, selfishness & addictions. We got the RULE loud & clear “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine”.

—> EXPANDED explanation in post: “ACoAs – Being Responsible

NEXT: FoC – Part 3

Fear of Commitment – ACoAs (Part 1)

chasing the alcoholic 

but I just can’t get myself to do it!

PREVIOUS: Fear of Commitment – general (#2)

QUOTE: “If you don’t make a total commitment to whatever you’re doing, then you start looking to bail out the first time the boat starts leaking. It’s tough enough getting that boat to shore with everybody rowing, let alone when a guy stands up and starts putting his life jacket on.” Lou Holtz, football coach

1. ORIGIN – the basis for this fear (FoC) is the fear of intimacy, ie. “in-to-me-see”.
• In general, INTIMACY is the mental & emotional closeness between 2 people which allows each to know the other person behind their defenses or socially acceptable mask. Sexual intimacy may or may not include this.

a. But initially, it’s the intimacy between a child & it’s mother. From the very beginning of mother-childlife, each child is totally dependent on its primary caretaker(s), & therefore totally vulnerable to their plusses & minuses.
If the mother (or substitute) is an active addict, controlling, cruel or crazy, depressed, ill, distracted, insensitive, manipulative, raging, scared, (usually some combination) – the child will be in an intimacy double bind:
— on the one hand, desperately needing the adult(s) to love it, protect it & take care of all its needs
— on the other, emotionally & intuitively aware that the connection with that person is totally unsafe & therefore terrifying.

The child is trapped in this most intimate of all relationships which is truly dangerous to its well-being, but inescapable. Being raised with unreliability & chaos inevitably creates a lack of trust, which then becomes the model for all future relationships, creating a deep terror of intimacy.

b. In most cases we witnessed one or both of our parents:
— be unable to make a commitment – to each other, to their children, to work, to personal growth…. OR
— be committed to work instead of relationships (us), to their spouse not not their children, to their addiction & nothing else!……
…… so we didn’t have a role-model for the emotional & spiritual requirements needed for consistent reliability

• Sometimes a child has another parent, older sibling or other relative who is more available & attentive than the primary. But if they are part of the same family, they too will have narcissistic damage & be limited in how much emotional safety & love they can provide. Often this ‘better’ person will either leave, die or turn on the child at some point – multiplying the abandonment pain.

All roads lead to Rome” was a familiar statement to the ancient Romans, & still is to all roadsmodern-day History students. The ACoAs version is: “All roads lead to Abandonment!”. This fear is the bottom line for us, governing all our responses to the world. So much so that we can even feel abandoned by the end of a book or movie we intensely connected to!
• Whenever we obsess, beat ourselves up, feel distrustful or hopeless, are terrified something bad will happen to us – we are tapping into old abandonment pain (E). Given how much abuse & neglect we experienced as children, it makes sense that the WIC would believe (T) that Ab. is the only possible outcome for us. SO – why bother committing to anything, if we’re always going to mess it up or have it taken away??

➼ Making a commitment to something or someone means showing up regularly, being self-motivated, taking risks, not knowing everything, asking for help along the way, having rights…. all the things we’re not allowed!

• The ACoA’s WIC has a whole trunk-full of reasons for FoC, even when we don’t have words for it or are aware of the WHY. As adults, this fear is perpetuated by Self-Hate & weak or confusionmissing Boundaries. We can apply the following issues to PPT (people-places-things), even tho the focus here is mainly on relationships. It shows up as:
— Confusion (I don’t know what I want, who I am)
— Indecisiveness (should I or shouldn’t I?)
— Perfectionism (I have to know it all & do it right – the first time!)
Procrastination (maybe later, but secretly – maybe never)

Some REASONS for FoC
a. Fear of abandonment (FoA) – our most basic fear. A = not getting enough of our legitimate childhood PMES needs met, AND being abused in each of those 4 categories. It created the belief that we will always lose what we need & love, so there’s no point in setting ourselves up for more pain by committing (C) to something we care about. This is one reason ACoAs are ‘best’ at what we like or love to do – the least. It’s inevitable that FoA would create lack of trust. SO – if our parents & other important caretakers neglected & assaulted us, how can we possible believe anyone else would be dependable or care for us?

NEXT: FoC – Part 2