MULTIPLE Intelligences (Part 1)

9 intelligences

I can’t do  math, remember names…..?

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 11)

SITE: Five New Minds for the New Year
(Dec. 2012)
Your 12 types of Intelligence
CHART : Examples 

DEF: Intelligence is a combination of the abilities to: 
(from several authors)
1. Learn – which includes all kinds of informal & formal learning, via any combination of experience, education & training
2. Pose problems – which includes recognizing problem situations, & transforming them into more clearly defined issues
3. Solve problems – which includes outlining solutions, accomplishing tasks, creating products, & doing complex projects

Human Intelligence is the singular, collective ability to act & react in an ever-changing world. Our brain is an ‘equal-opportunity’ organ. The more opportunities it has to develop & apply its many but distinct functions, the better we learn, which can make us complete individuals & better citizens. The brain can go from the practical to the most remarkably creative, from the concrete to the abstract, from detached reason and logic to emotion and attachment – all of which we can draw on as we negotiate our way through life

When talking about Intelligence it makes sense to start by looking at the 2 halves of the brain – the Right giving us our Creativity & the Left our Analytical abilities. This chart suggests the 2 sides Sbrain hemespherescontribute to the various types of Intelligences (I.) listed in the next few posts.
EXP: LEFT = Logic-Math I. // RIGHT = Visual-Spacial I.

However, emerging scientific consensus is that intelligence depends not just on the efficiency or power of various brain regions, but also on the strength of the connections that link them.
Researchers Haler & Jung (New Mexico) attribute our I. to a circuit that links the Frontal Lobes, involved in organization, planning & other highly developed abilities, with the Parietal region farther back in the brain, which integrates information from the eyes, ears and other senses.
They believe this Parieto-frontal Integration Theory (P-FIT) best accounts for the evidence that  I. depends on several brain regions tightly linked by axon tracks that form super-highways of info. (Brain basis for M.I.? – gives YES/NO points)

brain & Intellig.Applying this info to eLearning – some dimensions are:
– being cooperative vs competitive
– learning independently vs from an instructor
– more or less introverted vs extroverted
– learn verbally vs visually vs aurally
– perceive or processes concretely vs abstractly, actively or reflectively
– make decisions or judgements by deliberation vs intuition
– learn sequentially or bottom-up vs. global or top-down

2 TYPES – from Psychologist Raymond Cattell (1963)
FLUID (Gf) Intelligencecrysteline intell
The ability to recognize & identify unfamiliar complex relationships / patterns, make inferences about them & use logic to solve new problems

CRYSTALLIZED (Gc) Intelligence
The ability to use learned knowledge & experience. Consists of: Comprehension, Cultural influence, Experience, Judgement, Learning  (MORE….scroll to 1/18/14)

3 TYPES Bat & Ball problem // True Leadership
IQ – HEAD smarts
Ian Lawton showed that people with high IQs aren’t automatically good at everything, by using a ‘simple’ math problem:
“A bat & a ball cost $1 and 10 cents. The bat costs a dollar more than the ball. How much does the ball cost?”
— Did you say the ball cost 10 cents? That is incorrect., but that’s OK, since more than 50% of Harvard, Princeton and MIT students also got it wrong.
SOLUTION — Consider that the bat is a dollar more than the ball, which costs .05 cents. Since the difference between the two has to be $1 ($1 -.10 = $.90) then the bat is $1.05. ($1.05-$.05=$1)

Understanding the feelings & instincts behind the facts. It’s used by 90% of top performers in business for success , & 58% of job performance is based on it. People with a hi EQ make almost 3 intelligences$29K more a year.  We BUY ‘stuff’ using EQ, but most will deny it, insisting their choices were totally logical

Combines IQ & EQ. It’s where moral intelligence comes from, giving us a sense of purpose & wisdom. It has its own way of ‘knowing’, gathered from all our years of experience to combine the best of our emotions, skills & knowledge for each occasion

NEXT: Multiple Intelligences (Part 2)


me typing




Dear Readers,

Thank you for your interest in this blog & your continued support.

From time to time I have received objections to my use of acronyms & abbrev.

I would like to offer some additional thoughts:

✤ In the past 6+ years I have written & published 650 posts! I have also written many more that are in the pipeline

✤ Each series of posts (by topic) takes many, many hours, & often weeks, to put together. With my readers always in mind, I go over each one 5-10 times to insure they are clear, logical & the best I can do. It’s inevitable that occasionally I’ll miss something, but Perfection is never a goal!

✤ For each individual post much time is spent researching relevant articles, (listed near the top of the page & throughout), as added-value to the topic. This includes noting references to info from other sourcesdoing researchscreen-shot-2017-02-07-at-5-10-52-pm

✤ I also take hours & hours to comb thru images to add flavor & clarity to each post. In many cases, when I can’t find what I want, I take yet more time to combine up to 6 images into the scene that fits the text

✤ I have rewritten many old posts when necessary, especially breaking up ones that were too long

✤ I recently revised all the ‘sitemap’ lists by year (2010-2016) to group topics together that were written at very different times, which also means going thru all 650 posts to re-set all their pub dates, as well as all the relevant links to other posts!

✤ Sitting at the computer for hours & hours & hours to do this work is my great love, but I’m a senior (70) w/ Fibromyalgia & other physical issues, making the task quite tiring. So I try to find ways to make my life a little easier, which includes a few shortcuts

NOTE: This is not the only place you’ll find such shortcuts, used mainly with phrases that are often repeated, as in my posts.
You may have seen scientific, medical & other type of articles which use acronyms, as well as in AL-Anon (ODAT, ACA, HP….), & psychology (MBTI, NLP, MMPI….)

MY REQUEST:willingness??
Since I have put so much effort & care into this work, would you be willing to put a little extra effort in as well – to learn the acronyms?

Of course, it’s fine if this doesn’t work for you.

Thank you.

ACoAs: DIS-comfort & Comfort (Part 4)

happy w/ myselfI‘VE WORKED A LONG TIME
to have peace of mind

PREVIOUS: Dis-comfort & Comfort #3b

SITE:  Start being comfortable in your own skin
“Being Comfortable in your own skin”  (Women)

QUOTES: A man (or woman) cannot be comfortable without his own approval. ~ Mark Twain“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside can do you no harm.” – old African proverb
“If we are happy within ourselves, we don’t accept or demand that our partner should fulfill every need. We need to be comfortable with our own company.”
~ Nathaniel Branden

1. Positive Dis-comfort (Part 3a & b)
2. POSITIVE Comfort
Dictionary DEF:  “Producing or affording physical comfort, support, or ease // In a state of physical or mental ease; contented, undisturbed

ACTIONS: “Do what’s comfortable” does not mean being complacent, being stuck, lazy, backsliding into old ways, giving up hope, settling or not continuing to grow & expand horizons.

BE-ING : Ultimately, true Comfort is an inside job. It comes fromBE-ing bear developing a deep sense of worth (not arrogance) & faith in a Higher Power. It allows us to enjoy the good things about ourselves & the world. And when difficulties, stressors or pain come our way, we can allow ourselves to have a variety of intense emotions (Es), but our thinking (T) stays realistic & sound.

INNER COMFORT is the result of self-compassion, expressed very day, in large & small ways. It is not self-pity, self-indulgence or self-esteem – the latter often based on being special, standing out from the crowd, social position, visible accomplishments & income
— It is being kind to yourself equally whether you you’re doing well or not, by accepting your humanness no matter how messy or complicated.
SITEs: Cultivating Self-compassion
Exercises & Meditations for Self-compassion  pos-pos

Expressions of Inner Comfort develop from knowing who you are, what your specific needs,  likes & dislikes are – & then providing them for yourself:
** Function mainly from my Authentic Self, using my UNIT (healthy adult/loving parent) to take care of myself
• “I know what I know” & I don’t have to know everything to be safe!
• most of the time have no S-H (self-hate)
• like where I live, inside & out
• have the job/career that suits me

• can stand up for my rights without being pushy of starting fights
• mainly have relationships w/ people who at the very least respect me, & who are kind – most of the time. And at the most those people who love me, enjoy my company & suit my personality
• find ways to have fun & enjoy myselfbe in control
• have a sense of humor about almost everything
• Have little or no desire to fix, rescue or take care of, & without guilt, since my anxiety level has gone down to a whisper
**Knowing what I have & don’t have control over.
See the Serenity Prayer
“50 Things You Can Control Right Now”
Say YES to any good thing that comes my way!

INNER COMFORT is protected & maintained by healthy attitudes & actions. The goal is to live well, to the best of our ability ODAT (one-day-at-a-time) – never to seek perfection, since it does not exist.  It is liberating, allowing many other wonderful opportunities & relationships to occur. ———- REVIEW:
— Understand what makes you come alive – respect it, protect it. Create a life you love living.  Hone your intuition.
— Love who you are! With each year – celebrate, don’t hate.
— Find a career / a life/ a passion you fall madly in love with

— Step away from your childhood (home, friends, town) & explore the world.
— Never speak negatively about yourself to others. Stop apologizing. Recognize the harm of being your own worst critic and find a healthy balance
— Become comfortable with your own company without using technology as a crutch. Become comfortable with silence.
— Accept imperfections, yours & others’, while striving for excellence. Maintain an air of mystery
— Admit all needs. Embrace your unique qualities
— Make laughter a bigger part of your life.
<—–CHART:  Self-awareness exercises explained

— Set goals to strive toward.  Create a life schedule that includes time for hard work and productivity, as well as regularly pampering & self-rejuvenation
— Give of your talents & time comfortably, not for recognition or praise, but because you have something to contribute
— Stop trying to fix everything especially the impossible

— Stop tolerating! Stop trying to impress others
— Tactfully walk away from people who will never understand social skills=older
— Realize that relationship status doesn’t determine one’s contentment, rather a content person determines their own contentment
— Spend time with people who make you feel good
BOOK: Enhancing Social Skills in Older Adults, 

— Think of yourself as a beautiful person. Honor your strengths.
— Think positively. Speak with confidence. Express your creativity
— Become an insatiable sponge for knowledge. Dream big & out loud
— See each day is an opportunity to grow & evolve. Keep a gratitude journal
— Take time out to reflect, process & feel. Pray, meditate, read Scripture

— Treat your body with respect & take care of physical needs. “Like your body” (women) . Exercise, walk, dance…..
— Learn the art of dressing your body and for your life. Look confident to feel confident   ( Modified from Be C. in your Skin and Comfortable Woman)

Mental Exercise as reminder & re-enforcement:visualize
Give yourself 5 minutes of loving kindness every day. You’ll feel an inner softness develop as you keeping practicing. Place your hands over your heart & say :
“May I be safe / May I be happy / May I be healthy /May I live with ease”

Say it 4x in a soft & gentle tone, aloud or silently. Then gently direct your attention to any part of you that feels disconnected & say 4x each: “May that part be filled with loving kindness” & “May my whole body be filled with loving kindness”. End by repeating:
“May I be safe, May I be happy, May I be healthy, May I live with ease.”  (MORE….)


ACoAs: DIS-comfort & Comfort (Part 3b)

shel shocked 

my efforts will pay off

PREVIOUS: Dis-comfort & Comfort #3a

SITE: 10 Uncomfortable feelings that indicate you are taking the right path


BENEFITS of Healthy Dis-comfortvalue of discomfort

More Info:
“5 ways Discomfort can explode your growth” (Explanations)
and a similar version:
“5 Reasons to make Discomfort your friend” (Explanations)

POSITIVE DIS-comfort (cont.) It’s understandable that trying out new thoughts & actions will create anxiety in us. That represents breaking internal family rules, breaking away from old familiar PPT, & moving into unknown territory

HEALTHY things that can make us UN-Comfortable:

pos-discINTERNAL Changes
• leave bad relations (family / mate/ ….
• all forms of intimacy (PMES)
• following through
• tell the truth // say what you mean
• feel all your emotions
• go for your passion
• take a compliment / being praised
• get what you asked for
• things working in your favor
• receive help, encouragement
• stand up for yourself – via the Adult
• set limits, say”no”when called for
• stop taking care of others
• Stop mind-reading. ASK QS!  // Stop having to always  ‘be right’
• changing jobs / career / get a promotion, commendation
• trying out new things / learning a new skill
• appropriate risking / public speaking / writing for work
• learning / doing something difficult – that you always wanted to try)
• going back to school / graduation / B/day party
• new job/ new home / marriage / baby
• winning or inheriting money / gifts ….

CONTROL     in control or not
One of the big dis-comforts in Recovery is letting go of trying to control PPT & shift to being in control of oneself.
The  intensity of our need to be controlling is in direct proportion to how much anxiety we carry, which is caused by sitting on our backlog of pain instead of getting it out safely. The Q is “Where is your Locus of Control?” ACoAs have been trained to only focus externally on others. So as ‘adult’s till run by the WICs we do not want to be our own motivator – because that would mean giving up the illusion that our family – or someone – will eventually take care of us.  (CHART )
BUT – the only way to Heal & Grow is to gradually change from an External (Reactive) to an Internal (Proactive) source of Being.  (MORE….)

Useful guidelines: Just as we originally learned the toxic rules, now we need new healthy rules to guide us. The more familiar 3 Cs of Al-anon are about ‘letting go’:
I didn’t cause it / I can’t control it / I can’t change it.

These concepts mainly apply to our dealings with others – their addictions, their damage, their distress.  They imply that we mind our own business (“Keep the focus on yourself”) and work on self-care. Following thru on these ideas can be a daily challenge for co-dependents who are used to taking on the responsibility for other people’s needs, self-destructiveness & suffering.

But they can also apply to some things for ourselves:letting go
✱ I did NOT cause my damage (damaged NOT defective). Yes – we have lived out the toxic training, which is inescapable without recovery. We are responsible for changing but not for the source – without blaming ourselves for our imperfections & pain,

✱ I can’t control the process of recovery. Healing our heart & mind is a slow & difficult process, requiring patience & perseverance. Also, we can’t control how others react to changes in us as we heal.

✱ I can’t change the time & opportunities lost to the disease, (If only I had known this before, if only I’d left home sooner, if only… if only….). Recriminations are a waste of time & energy. Mourn the loss & focus on self-esteeming acts today.

Going forward, another 3 Cs can be even more of a challenge:
I can Change / I can Cope / I can Celebrate!

 ➤”I can change” seems daunting if not impossible to many ACoAs because the WIC is going by a whole life-time of actual experiences, both as children & as adults – acting out our damage. Also, if we are convinced that how we’ve always been is our real personality (see part 1) then there is nothing to change. BUT, what many recovering ACoAs have found is that when we finally find Program, doctors, therapists, ministers, mentors …. who recognize our suffering & offer genuinely helpful solutions, we actually can get relief & have a chance for a better life.

➤ “I can Cope” feels impossible – to the WIC. But this is not true for our Healthy Adult. As children we were put in daily impossible situation & expected to handle everything as if we were already grown up, and demanded that we ‘fix’ the things that were wrong with the adults – which was absolutely impossible. BUT with Recovery today we can indeed cope with many things “that used to baffle us”.

➤ “I can Celebrate” – for most of us is a big no-no. We’re very uncomfortable if we get any attention – even tho the Child in all of us longs for at least some. BUT – we need to celebrate our very existence, as well as our gifts & accomplishments. Until we get used to the idea, we can celebrate privately, in our thoughts, in our journal…. but eventually it’s very important to share it with others who can be happy for us.  People who care for & love us want to acknowledge their admiration & pleasure in knowing us!

Being willing & able to tolerate the dis-comfort of the Recovery process will lead to achieving at least a fair measure of the PROMISES. These goals & outcomes are the result of sticking to the process of growth through all the frustration, disappointments & hard promiseswork.They may seem beyond our reach at the moment, but the 12 Steps offer : “If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through: (from the ACoA site)

☆ We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves.
☆ Our self-esteem will increase as we give ourselves approval on a daily basis.
☆ Fear of authority figures & the need to people-please will leave us.
☆ Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us.
☆ As we face our abandonment issues, we will be attracted by strengths and become more tolerant of weaknesses.
☆ We will enjoy feeling stable, peaceful, and financially secure.
☆ We will learn how to play and have fun in our lives.
☆ We will choose to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves.
☆ Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set.
☆ Fears of failure and success will leave us, as we intuitively make healthier choices.
☆ With help from our ACA support group, we will slowly release our dysfunctional behaviors.
☆ Gradually, with our Higher Power’s help, we will learn to expect the best and get it.   

These are our version of the AA Promises, which are equally wonderful:
“We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. / We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  /  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  / No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.  / That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. /  We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.  / Self-seeking will slip away.  / Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.  / Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.  / We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.  / We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. ”
26 Question screen-shot-2017-01-09-at-6-51-16-pm


ACoAs: DIS-comfort & Comfort (Part 3a)

uncomfortable brain


wait for results!

Dis-comfort & Comfort #2

<—- CHART 

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
SITEHow to Practice Being Comfortable in Uncomfortable Situations

QUOTE: “Growth & comfort do not exist” ˜Ginny Rometty, CEO of IBM (Article)

1. Negative Comfort
2. Negative Dis-comfort

Trying out new healthy thinking & actions make us feel anywhere from uncomfortable to highly anxious. It means disobeying all the toxic rules, going against our training, dropping off of the family mobile, & bottom line: forcing the brain to find new pathways of functioning. Too much prolonged stress causes physical ailments & psychological paralysis. That’s why we need to go slowly. Work on whatever issues you can tackle at the moment – ones that are the least scary. As you grow you’ll gain the emotional strength & mental clarity to tackle deeper one – like really ‘getting’ how much damage you have – without S-H or overwhelm, letting go of unsafe family & friends……

For ACoAs Growth means leaving behind our unhappy childhood to take our rightful place in the world – living in our True Self.leaving-home
This is very uncomfortable because our family discouraged & punish any effort to exert ourselves – for ourselves. And since personal growth is a slow process we often live in uncertainty & confusion – between what we’ve always thought & felt, & what we aspire to become. In-between states are always uncomfortable & sometimes scary, but as we keep going we do see positive changes that encourage us. “Easy does it, but do it” (MORE...)

PROCESS  (See post)
☛ Get started. This is often our biggest difficulty putting things off that we actually want to do! as well as those we dread or find too tedious to bear, for all the reasons listed in previous posts (procrastination).  What’s ironic and sad (for ourselves) is that most of the time when we finally take the action it’s not such a big deal, doesn’t take as long as we thought, & we usually like the result – or at least are relieved. (see posts re. Action)

☛ Don’t Quit. Some of us are over-responsible, over-doers…. & others of us just obsess about doing, but rarely pull the trigger. Then there are the in-betweeners – those of us who start things but never seem to get around to continuing (keep going to the gym, stick to a food regimen, attend meetings….) or finishing  projects. (See postsM- 2b & c”). The WIC & the PP get in the way of going for the gold, so we let ourselves get distracted. The 3 As are useful here:
1. Become Aware of what’s really stopping you from pursuing a positive goal. It will always be something from our earliest training & experiences.

2. Be in Acceptance – allow yourself any emotions the awareness brings up. Don’t try to fix or change deep-seated patterns by brute force (control, S-H, forcing solutions). Continue using all the tools of Recovery programs & remember that re-forming your brain takes a long time.

3. Take Actions. Give yourself credit for the actions you are already taking. Don’t fret about what you can’t DO yet If you’re confused about what to do, make a list of the things you used to be interested in &/or still are. Look up what’s available in classes, groups… that can get you started. Some (useful) action is better than none. If you’re stuck for ideas, talk it over with safe people who know you & can give you suggestion. Then follow thru. You don’t have to know what the end goal is & you don’t have to like the choice you’ve made – it’s won’t be a life changing mistake – only more info about who you are.courage zone

There’s no doubt that all forms of growth (personal, professional…) takes courage – which is taking actions in the face of our fear. Courage is not needed if we’re not afraid, but we can’t wait until we’re not afraid to try new things.

Push past your comfort zone. ACoAs can only do this to any degree if & when we feel safe enough to risk making changes. This includes having a measure of self-esteem, better boundaries, knowing our rights, a proper support system…. You don’t have to know everything about it ahead of time and there’s no such thing as perfect – so you might as well give it a go!

Embrace the ‘suck’ (“this sucks, suck it up”). Things don’t always work out. Sometimes we make mistakes, we’re disappointed in the outcome, other people let us down….. That’s realty.That doesn’t mean the”universe is against me”, or that we’ve done something wrong. Just like we have to embrace our Inner Sadist – without acting on it, we can embrace the parts of growth & change we hate – without falling apart & without giving up. Sharing our frustrations & aggravations with others can ease the loneliness & pain. Others have had similar experiences, gotten thru them & sometimes even benefited. NOTE: Acceptance has nothing to do with liking something – it is simply acknowledging what is real.

Be around like-minded people. This is crucial for ACoAs. We’re used to picking & staying with people who are so wounded themselves they can’t be appropriately present for us & may even be overtly harmful (mean, selfish, using….). Of course, in order to be with our ‘peeps’ & ‘stick with the winners’ – we have to know who we are, & believe we have the right to connect with other people we’re compatible with. This is not looking for symbiotic clones, but for those who have a good sense of their own identity & also can ‘see & hear’ us.

Recognize your improvements – no matter how small! ACoAs have a hard time acknowledging our growth because we:
— don’t have permission to succeed (Toxic Rule: You always have to struggle but never get there”)
— assume that if it’s not the whole package it doesn’t countimprovement
— are waiting for it to be taken away
— don’t trust that it will last, that ‘it’s an accident or illusion
— are so torn between the old messages & new changes that we can’t be sure it’s real
— are convinced it’s selfish, arrogant, presumptuous….

As we learn to trust our intuition, emotions & intelligence AND with the right kind of validation & feedback from a support system – we can enjoy our hard-won achievements.

“Rinse. Repeat”🙂  The old Russian saying ‘povtorenie mat ucheniya’ means ‘repetition is the mother of learning”. The more we perform the same activity, the more confident we become. Confidence is a tangible thing — from practice & repetition. Outline from an article by Chris Dessi

ARTICLE: 3 Rules for uncomfortable conversations  (excellent) 

 NEXT: Dis-comfort & Comfort #3b

ACoAs: DIS-comfort & Comfort (Part 2)

hiding under bed

any more stress!

PREVIOUS: Dis-comfort & Comfort #1

SITE17 Habits of a Self-destructive person

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
Answer Qs
: Are you happy in your own skin? (Body issues)

1. Negative Comfort (Part 1)
2. NEGATIVE DIS-comfort
We can look at both of the next 2 lists (Nigglies & Biggies) from opposite perspective – regarding how we interact with people, events & situations (PPT).

As kids we had to clamp down on our emotions because we were punished or ignored for having them, had very little or no comforting when in pain, & no way of processing them. That taught us to ignore feelings. BUT they never go away  – they just go who me?underground & pile up until we are one big sore – but blaming ourselves. The enormity of our accumulated pain is overwhelming, & not knowing that we can process them out, we have to shut down, so the pain turns into depression or we use it to attack others, & for many of us – we do both.

Being in denial about the abuse we have suffered leads many ACoAs to emotionally & mentally under-react to most stressors. It’s not unusual to observe ACoAs smiling, even laughing, when talking about traumatic events.
EXP: Recently Sara stopped in at a fast food joint down town. While eating her sandwich 5 local teens came in & sat at the next table. The were laughing about the beatings they used to get at home, one out-doing the others in their descriptions. Sara wanted so much to tell them how horrible that was, but knew they would not have welcomed her interference.

Sitting on all that disowned pain takes up a lot of psychic energy, making it very hard to pay attention to real difficulties when they occur in the present. So naturally, daily annoyances are more likely to be dismissed or overlooked as unimportant (T)! This makes sense, since we don’t have the inner quiet (serenity) to deal with them. We’re just trying to keep our head above water!

At the same time, having so much of our energy tied up in denial we’re the ‘walking wounded’, leaving us with very little reserve for dealing with anything unexpected. So when something big does hit us, we withdraw, fall apart, get sick, get belligerent….. & generally take a long time to get over it.

over-reactingPrecisely because of our pain backlog, many ACoAs’ default setting is to make everything into a big drama. We can over-react to even ‘minor’ frustrations more than is called for – as if they’re life & death events. “Touch me & I bleed!” We get too angry, too impatient & frustrated, too easily insulted, take things too personally….. no matter the size or importance of an issue in reality, including  situations that have nothing to do with us. Losing a favorite object can feel just as terrible as losing a loved one!

BTW – This intensity tell us that no matter how trivial something is – if we’re triggered (have a very strong emotional reaction) – the very fact that it upsets us is absolute proof that it is similar or identical to something that happened to us over & over in childhood (an emotional/ mental/ verbal /sexual abuse or neglect…) either a literal copy or representing an underlying negative message.

a. The Nigglies
— minor irritants we tend to ignore, usually short-term & could easily be gum on heeldealt with, but they chip away at us if we don’t
• don’t use bathroom when needed
• live with bad shoes, small aches (bad chair), “wrong’ clothes/ not warm enough …
• live or work in unclean & ugly environments
• make jokes about something serious
• ignore household chores, so they pile up
• ruminate about someone ‘ignoring or dissing us
• stay on the phoneg-negne too long
• not leave somewhere when you want to
• always do things the hardest way
• let things slide & then obsess about them
• live in your mind rather than take actions
• not mend torn clothes, live with broken things at home
• be impatient with ‘normal’ daily delays
• don’t write things down & then forget
• don’t take care of personal business, until too late
• don’t protect yourself from noises (loud or annoying)

b. The Biggies
— long-term, difficult to correct & weighs us down
• insist on self-hating thinking – esp. when we know better
• stay in abusive, dangerous relationshipsscreen-shot-2017-01-12-at-1-24-34-pm
• all forms of addition (see chart —>)
• be in the ‘wrong’ job/profession too long
• social anxiety from negative beliefs (SAS site)
• don’t get help when you really need it – or never
• don’t get medical attention for persistent ailments/ pain/ disabilities

• compulsive denial & suppression of emotions
• self-deprivation – of many needs & wants
• deliberately hurting other people/animals
• suicide attempts / neglecting any mental health issue
• ignore or dismiss successes, accomplishments
• sexual anorexia or promiscuity
self-harm chart• deny childhood trauma
• over-spending & debting, living in over-whelming clutter
• fear of intimacy, so pick unavailable or dangerous friends & partners
• compulsive isolation, thereby ‘starving’ oneself of positive experiences
• self-defeating actions when trying to get disallowed needs met
• sabotage possible good relationships / jobs / gifts / opportunities….
• habitual procrastinationpre-cursers
• poor eating & sleep patterns
• self-injury   (Chart) ↘
↗ (Chart)

13 Things All Self-Destructive People Need To Stop Doing
How to STOP S-d behavior
How to Overcome Self Destructive Behavior

: Dis-comfort/Comfort #3a

ACoAs: DIS-comfort & Comfort (Part 1)

minor discomfort

to ignore my discomfort!


SITE:  Fill-In Qs – Identify your stressors

Do What’s Comfortable” is one of the many helpful & profound phrases in Al-Anon. This is a useful suggestion, especially as ACoAs tend to live in perpetual dis-comfort (in the “wreckage of the future or in the misery of the past), subjecting ourselves to almost constant physical anxiety & the endless rumination of self-defeating ‘mantras’ (S-H), sometimes called ‘spinning’.

HOWEVER, we are so used to being uncomfortable that we barely notice, thinking it’s ‘normal’, AND believe we have no other option. So this phrase is incomplete, since ACoAs stick to what we know – no matter how bad – & avoid better/healthier/safer things – so we can cling to the connection to our abusive family (refuse to S & I), and so we don’t have to risk being disappointed – yet again!

stress curve

SOME stress in our life is not only inevitable, but also needed in order to gently push us to take actions & grow. As the bell curve shows, there’s the calm state, which is good, & the ‘beneficial’ Eustress, to keep up us alert, motivated & on our toes. But ACoAs typically live in the far right – in various intensities of distress. Too much stress tends to paralyze. While there are plenty of external situations in life which can be aggravating, & many things we are truly powerless over, this post focuses mainly on how we experience & categorize Comfort & Discomfort, negative & positive .

Originally, our harmful life patterns were learned grown up, which we had little or no control over. Now we keep them going :
— because they’re deeply ingrained // to obey family rules
— to avoid deeper painful realizations, anxiety & accumulated terror
— from the belief that we don’t know any better or can’t possibly change.
Still hanging on to them actually comes from the mistaken belief that the way we’ve always thought, felt & acted (T.E.A.) is our actual personality, & therefore no changes can be expected or even attempted. This belief persists even in ‘recovery’ !!

IN REALITY – all ongoing negative behaviors (character defects) are expressions of our False Self, developed in childhood in response to the abuse & neglect of our family & other environmental dysfunctions (baby sitters, neighborhood, school, ‘church’….). Therefore, the main goal of Recovery is to shed as much of this made-up persona as possible, in order to uncover, own & live in the REAL Self we were born into before the damage.

NOTE: Many of the items on the list below also fall into the more severe category of reprogram brainNegative Discomfort in Part 2, (like self-injury, bad relationships, lack of self-care….),
Also, it may seem counter-intuitive that these damaging patterns would be considered comfortable. READ/ review posts “Negative benefits of.…)” & info about how we learns, in posts “CDs — Info & the brainto understand why. What we experienced from birth on is what makes the most sense to our ‘computer’,  which will fight tooth & nail to keep from having to change – as if we’re asking it to destroy itself!

Changing our programming will create great anxiety – at first. So for some time in our efforts to grow it will genuinely feel more comfortable (a great relief) to go back to doing things the old way – no matter how ‘sick’. Unfortunately. But with persistent repetitions of new thinking & actions, that terror will lessen a great anxiety

IRONY: Identifying these dysfunctions as ‘comfortable’, just because they feel ‘natural’, doesn’t mean they promote happiness & calm. While some ACoAs are in such deep denial that these patterns may seem like minor disturbances – from being numb to their long-term consequences – they in fact create endless stress, anxiety, shame, self-hate, frustration, physical & mental illness… all of us, whether acknowledged or not.

1. NEGATIVE Comfort
• all forms of addictions, inching ‘addicted’ to religious / ‘spiritual’ pursuits “They’re so heavenly minded  no earthly good”
• try to avoid everything hard or painful // regularly zone out, over-sleep, over-use internet, games, TV….
• always complain but never change //refuse to be self-reflective
• make excuses / blame all difficulties on others, never seeing our part
• stay the victim / be in self-pity / ‘practice’ unnecessary self-sacrifice

• neneg-comfver use direct communication (leave out things, beat around the bush, don’t stand up for our rights….) // justify, exaggerate, lie
• never rock the boat //  stay in denial // act dumb
• always have to ‘be the ‘good’ one
• try to “know everything”, be perfect
• use self-injury to ‘cope’ with too much pain
• isolate / distance everyone // be invisible
• stay connected to unhealthy family & other dysfunctional or dangerous people
• don’t risk trying new & better ways to live

• be controlling (trying to force PPT to be what we want)
• people-please / don’t say NO when appropriate
• look for others to rescue, validate & take care of us
• always busy minding someone else’s business, rescuing, over-helping
• stay constantly busy, over-work / try to be perfect

▶︎Think of all the ways you use to escape, & fill in the chart ↖︎

Keeping these patterns alive, especially once we know better, insures that we stay stuck. It’s the WIC who is in charge of this resistance, & it takes great deal of determination, correct info & unconditional love to pry it loose from the toxic family system.

NEXT: Negative Discomfort – #2