BEING LOVED (Part 1)

 

PREVIOUS : Narcissist GROWTH

SITEs :   Characteristics of Parental Love
What Is Parental Love & How It Can Change People

 

 

 

🥰 Positive ideas & emotions broaden an our thought-action repertoire, & solve problems during personal growth & development.
EXPs:
🤍 LOVE sparks a recurring cycle to pursue healthy urges – within safe, close relationships

💚 INTEREST & CURIOSITY spark the urge to explore
💝 JOY & HUMOR spark the urge to play
💛 SAFETY & CONTENTMENT spark the urge to savor & integrate

 

 

 

 

⬇️ 8 TYPES of LOVE, using Ancient Greek names which they chose from their studies of this subject. These categories still apply today. (Explanations…. )

NEXT :

ACoAs as Narcissists (Part 3)

 PREVIOUS : ACoAs an Ns (#2)

SITEs: NPD Statistics

💔 “Understanding Fear of Abandonment”  (+ the signs)


Adult narcissism
is a failed attempt to make up for what we never got as kids, by trying to force the world into a carbon copy of ourselves – or of what we want it to be – with no genuine regard for others as separate being with their own specific personality (not ours) & their own back story.

💔 IMPLICIT in all ACoA narcissism is our intense, all encompassing FoA – Fear of Abandonment. So, whichever Toxic Role we ‘favor’, the underlying motivation for all unhealthy behavior is FoA. This fear causes ACoAs to never feel safe anywhere or with anyone, UNTIL we apply daily self care in whatever PMES ways are possible, to heal OMAT.
(41 Clingy girlfriend cartoons)

Other Signs of ACoA Narcissism
Childish grandiosity: insist we can change / fix / heal a loved one, as if we have god-like powers. This is never possible, & even more so when the other person has made it clear they’re not interested in changing, althoughwe beg, cajole or demand it of them. (POST…..)
OR:
“I want to do that so I will” (visit a dangerous location, ride a moped without a license, swim alone in the ocean, date a married man……), even though we don’t actually know how, or have no idea of the possible negative consequences to ourself or others

Clinging : specifically to someone who is no longer interested in continuing a friendship or love relationship, OR keeping up a fantasy connection with someone who was never with us in the first place. This is N on your part because you think your needs are the only ones that count

Codependence : using other people to tell us who we are & how to behave, instead of finding our who were were born to be

People-pleasing : the motivation is completely selfish – doing or ‘being’ what we think others want of us but not for their benefit. We’re trying to control others to prevent them from abandoning us, as if it’s their job to be there for us (it’s not), & as if we’re still an infant or mentally retarded (we’re not)!

Rescuing : trying to do for others what they can or should be doing for themselves – not from generosity but to make us feel important, feel needed, not alone…. & is actually arrogant & presumptuous
(Post : “Healthy Helping“)

✴︎ Overvalue, then Undervalue (re. thoughts) : we imagine that someone we’re around is wonderful (all good), attributing qualities to them we wish for. As soon as we test them & they fall short of our ideal, we trash them – making them all bad.

Unrealistic expectations (re. actions) :  Over or under, we expect everyone to behave in a logical, appropriate, rational way, no matter who they actually are. We’re making them up to suit our own needs or fears. The expectations have nothing to do with who the other person actually is.

Victim role : While we truly were victims as children, we have options now we never did in the past. This includes isolating (not introversion), which comes from : Fear of abandonment, Lack of personal boundaries, Obeying Toxic Family Rules & Self-hate.

Continuing the pattern of deprivation in many parts of our life is a self-destructive, rebellious way we keep hoping for someone to magically come & rescue us from having to take care of ourselves.
It’s also a way of depriving the world of our natural talents & help.

🌈 ☀️ RECOVERY from our narcissism comes from continually providing the WIC with all the care & love we never got as kids, so we can connect with others without an ulterior motive.

NOTE: The next 6 posts are a break in the current Narc series, to be resumed mid-June.

NEXT: BEING LOVED (Part 1)

ACoAs as Narcissists (Part 2)


PREVIOUS : ACoAs as Ns (#1)

SITEACoNs – Surviving the N. Parent (Adult-children of Ns)

 

REMINDER : The goal of Recovery is to teach our mind that choice is always a possibility. It’s only when we refuse to think outside the box that our parents, abusive partners, bosses & ‘friends’ will be able to keep us in the Victim Role. Not being willing to consider new & better options (not matter how scary) keeps us from moving forward in our life.

“Small ns” versions of N may be lesser evils, not as deeply harmful, but are emotionally abandoning, even in the best of cases.
NOTE : To be actual small-ns, comments or actions usually refer to 2 or more people who know each other, & usually for a long time. When dealing with rare acquaintances or strangers, we can ASK for info before responding or reaction to a situation

 EXPs of everyday ACoA narcissism :
Starting any sentence with: “I just don’t understand how — he / she / they — can’t get it / thinks that way / wants to do that / wears that / wouldn’t want to try this ____ …..”, as if only your point of view if right or makes sense

✿ Your good friend enthusiastically shows you a Journal Writing entry using a new pen, but it’s such a pale color that before you can think, you say : “Can you actually see that?” – meaning that it’s too light for you

✿ Telling someone who you’ve observed has very different tastes & opinions from you – that : “you have to read this book, go to that great new shoe store, try that ____ restaurant, go to my healer…..- you’ll love it!”, when in fact the person you’re talking to wouldn’t be caught dead following your suggestion, because it’s soooo not them, AND you did know that!

✿ Truly believing that because you know the ‘right’ way to do something (even if you are correct), everyone should also, no matter how different they actually are, or how incapable of following that prescription. You just want everyone to make your world a safer place. (Like demanding a cripple run a marathon).

✿ Buying any gift for someone you know well – or should – which is only your taste, but which doesn’t actually suit the other person (MORE…. ➡️)

✿ Over-reacting to real or imagined criticism as a ‘Vulnerable N – with shame, fear of abandonment, self hate & over-explanations, OR
as a Grandiose N – outraged & in a rage, feeling humiliated & wounded pride, with verbal or physical attacks

3 most PERVASIVE signs of ingrained ACoA Narcissism
❗️Taking everything personally – This can be about the weather, the news, an unavailable item in a store, being put on hold, having to wait for a text – or anything, a boss being controlling, the way someone looked at you or didn’t notice you – even not being able to find something in your home, as if the object is deliberately hiding….

Our secret motto is “ME, ME, ME….it’s all about me!”
— which always & only refers to others’ responses – that no matter what they do or don’t do, you think it’s about you, and
— we do not want to know that 99% of the time other people (whoever) are not thinking about us – being busy ‘doing their own thing – because that would feel like abandonment! (Post: Keep the focus on yourself)

❗️❗️Self-Hate – blaming yourself for causing all hurt or disappointment you feel. This is not reality, especially when the source of your pain is/was totally out of your control!
Remember Al-Anon’s 3 Cs: “I didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it.”

❗️❗️❗️Symbiosis : you know – it’s that high you get from being with a new friend or lover, spending every day & night wrapped up in their aura. The feeling of absolute ‘union’ is what you’ve been waiting for all your life!
Problem: all we really want is a carbon copy of ourselves. When we start finding out the other person is not us, we feel deeply disappointed, betrayed, & then whine, attack or dump them

NEXT: ACoAs as Ns (# 3)

ACoAs as Narcissists (Part 1)


PREVIOUS : N Types #2

SITE:  “The Human Magnet Syndrome: a refreshing study of narcissistic abuse & co-dependency

POST: “S & I needs a Healthy Ego


ORIGIN of NPD – it’s nothing new!
At its mythic heart, narcissism is a story of disappointment. The ancient source is the Greek tale of the Beotian hunter Narcissus, a beautiful young man who arrogantly spurns the love of the nymph Echo & the youth Ameinias. No one is good enough. In reaction, they’re so devastated that each kill themself.

Nemesis, the Revenge aspect of the goddess Aphrodite, observing these tragedies decides to teach Narcissus a lesson. After a long day of hunting, she leads him to a clear pool. When he bends down to drink he seen a perfect image, & falls in love  – with his reflection. But he doesn’t realize it’s himself! 

Captivated by his ideal, Narcissus vows never to leave the object of his desire. But the image, forever outside his embrace, fails to reciprocate. The arrogant man’s inconsolable disappointment is that he cannot consummate his love – for himself. As a result Narcissus melts away, a victim of his hopeless passion.

In contrast, real-life narcissists manage to take their eyes off themselves just long enough to find out if others are looking at them. And if the N has admirers, they feel great – temporarily! (More…..)
❗️   ❗️    ❗️   ❗️
ACoAs – Having grown up drowning in family alcoholics & other NPDs – we have a legacy of :
1.  incorporating their distortions into our False Self, and
2. compulsively being attracted / addicted to other Ns, hopelessly trying to have a genuine, intimate relationship with someone who’s also not capable!

ACoAs tend to deeply resent being told we’re narcissistic, especially those of us who identify mainly as co-dependent. We are “definitely NOT like our N parents! (crazy, drunk, mean….)! So we end up hanging on to our Victimhood or Hero status, rather than being willing to see how much of their patterns we inevitably absorbed.

CRUCIAL to remember: DO NOT use these posts as more fuel for Self-Hate! The purpose is to identify our damaged False Self, so we know what to work on to HEAL & GROW! 🌈  (Narcopaths = short for NPDs)

All flavors of ‘damage’ are by definition narcissistic – because they emanate from the WIC (wounded INNER CHILD) & all children start out as Ns. But as adults, ACoAs still think we’re the center of the whole world & everyone in it is always reacting to us!

Narcissism is on a continuum, from mild everyday comments to the severe malignant NPD type. Ns also have core co-dependent symptoms of shame, denial, control, dependency (unconscious), dysfunctional communication & weak boundaries, which all lead to intimacy problems. 

Although most narcissists can be classified as codependent,  the reverse is not true – most co-deps are not Ns, because they don’t have the Grandiose N’s traits of exploitation, entitlement & lack of empathy.

❣️ACoAs who are in the process of recovery AND are actually progressing slowly-but-surely out of their False Self into their True Self – start out with a less rigid form of NPD. (⬅️ CHART)

This is contrast to NPDs who may try various types of therapy & ‘spirituality’ or physical treatments – but will never go deep enough to truly outgrow their narcissistic attitude.
And of course these are the even more severe, who never even try to heal, because they don’t think they need help. What identifies any PD is that it pervades the whole system, not just some area of life, as with Neurosis. (See posts in in “Psychological Disorders“.)

For those ACoAs who have some physical & emotional sobriety (in AA, Al-Anon, ACA, CODA, DA, OA….), there will always be some level of old N. reactions. It’s OK to accept being human & have limitations, since it’s not possible to reach perfection – at all!

NEXT: ACoA as Ns

ALCOHOLISM & NARCISSISM Overlap

PREVIOUS :
N. Mind Games #7

POST: “ACA Laundry List” See #4)

NOTE:
The following 3 posts will be about how ACoAs express our narcissism. In case you object to the idea (many do) or wonder how that can be – here is a list of the parallels between alcoholism & narcissism which we grew up with. 

1) Denial
N : Narcissism (N) is characterized by iron-clad denial. From their point of view, they have no problems & can do no wrong. Bragging & a damn-the-consequences-swagger are essential parts of many N personae

Al: Denial also keeps addiction in place. The Alcoholic’s (Al) denial shows up in many ways, like saying they can stop drinking anytime they want, lying about when they drank, or refusing to acknowledge the consequences of their drinking.
That’s why AA members say  “I’m ____ & I’m an alcoholic.” It breaks denial.

2) Lack of introspection
N : NPD narcissists are not interested in self-reflection. Doing so would risk facing their character defects & emptiness

Al : Addiction can also mask inner conflicts, a low self-image & painful emotions. As long as an addict uses, those problems go unaddressed. They pile up & get harder & harder to face

3) Entitlement
N : Ns are also defined by entitlement – feeling superior to almost everyone. Not caring about others (lacking empathy), they give themselves full permission to do whatever they want, in spite of social & spiritual rules, or the cost to others.

Al: The alcoholic’s sacred entitlement is drinking. Many are willing to lose everyone & everything in their lives before give up alcohol

4) Self-absorption
N  / Al : For both – its all about ME. Their needs are primary. While both may seem to function normally in many settings (when not drunk or triggered by loss of supply), their self-focus always shows up

5) Self-destructiveness
N : Ns are trapped in a non-stop compulsion devoted to preserving their image, & preventing anything that will make them feel small & unimportant

Al: Without help, alcoholics also will sacrifice health, well-being, reputation, relationships & self-esteem

6) Refusal to take responsibility
N : Ns are quick to blame others for “making me act” the way they do. They almost never apologize or promise to change. That would show weakness, which is unbearable to Ns, sullying the image they desperately hang on to

Al: Active alcoholics are also quick to blame PPT (people, places & things) for “making me act” the way they do. While some apologize for their behavior & promise to turn over a new leaf, their continued drinking & abusive ways eventually are seen for what they are – as empty as their bottles

7) Behavior can switch rapidly
N : Ns can go from charming <–to–> threatening in a heartbeat. Feeling slighted or ‘disobeyed’ can send them into full battle mode

Al: Alcoholics’ mood & actions can also swing drastically, especially when under the influence. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, leading to outrageous, dangerous or abusive behavior

8) Superficial relationships
❧ The N’s dysfunction & the alcoholic’s active addiction make it impossible for them
to form & nurture deep, meaningful relationships
N : Trying to have a reciprocal, honest conversation with a N is a hit-or-miss proposition, & impossible with NPDs. It’s their way or the highway.

Al:
Similarly, trying to make a meaningful connection with someone who’s drunk is a fools errand. And they won’t remember it later!

9) Manipulation of others
❧ Both will use anybody they can – to get their fix.
N : The N’s fix is attention & self-gratification. They only see others in terms of what they can get from them

Al: The alcoholic’s fix is a drink. Others are viewed as either enabling their drinking or as potential threats to their freedom to drink. They need enablers as cover

10) Behavior is at others expense
N  / A : Those close to both Ns & Als experience being used, emotional abandonment, deprivation & rejection, creating feelings of rage & shame. Loved ones of both may withdraw or eventually leave the relationship

11) Shame
N : Avoiding shame drives much of narcissists behavior. Instead, they cope by dishing shame out to others

Al: 
Alcoholics carry immense shame, but their drinking numbs or masks it.
(This List modified from Dan Neuharth PhD MFT)

💘 Some people are both NPDs & active addicts, which makes them doubly hard to deal with. ACoAs had to cope with both types in childhood, absorbing many of their traits, but using our native personality as filter to ‘reinterpret’ their patterns.

NEXT: ACoAs as Narcissists (#1)

Narcissist MIND GAMES : s-w (#7)

 

PREVIOUS: Mind Games #6

 

 

 

MIND GAMES (cont)
√SHAPE-SHIFT
To keep their audience of ego-strokers, Ns are great at morphing into whatever persona will get then the most points for charm & desirability. These shifts are dictated by the circumstance & environment they happen to be in, to maintain good will & “accommodate” the person or group that can give them what they want.

Interesting: If you belong to a group where the N behaves a specific way (the pious goody in church, as humanitarian of the year…. ) and then accidentally run into them in a totally different setting (drunk in a night club, bully boss at work….) you may be shocked & confused. Don’t be. They’re just a N shape-shifter.

√SLY DIGS
Many Ns love the game of slyly putting you down, often dressed up as banter. The point is to make an insulting joke you can both laugh at, but will also make you feel bad about yourself. EXP: Saying to a very thin woman “Be careful in the shower that you don’t slide down the drain” or “You’re so thin the wind will blow you away” HaHa….

It may be a funny jab at a physical characteristic (weight, bad at sports…) or mental quality (not having a higher education, trouble with math….). Even if you ask them to stop & explain politely why it’s hurtful, the N will keep at it, or if not right then, again on other occasions, especially in front of others. Then accuse you of being too sensitive or a cry baby if you’re upset.

SMEARING 
Toxic Ns will slander you to family, friends & co-workers – to hide their own abusive behavior, projecting it onto you. A smear campaign tries to sabotages your reputation so you’ll lose whatever support network you started out with, & then you won’t have anyone to fall back on if you decide to cut ties with the N. (More in the posts about Flying Monkeys)

TRIANGULATION
The N brings a 3rd person into your relationship to keep control, by only communicating through the extra voice. It’s most often used when there’s a problem in your relationship, & the N has no intention of facing & solving it. To convince you that you’re the cause, the N will find someone who’ll have their same perspective & get them to ‘explain it’ to you.

This 3rd person may compare you to the N’s ex, a coworker, or another friend who’s a better mate than you…. to reinforce the N’s goal of shutting you down. If the N brings in a potential rival as a threat of abandoning you, it can ‘bring you in line’ to be the kind of Supply they want.
— In a family it can be used to pit 2 people against a 3rd to undermine that one’s power (EXP: mother & son against father).
— Used to divide & conquer, the N is the outside force who pits 2 other people against each other, in an attempt to gain an advantage over or destroy perceived rivals

WITHHOLDING SEX &/or AFFECTION
Ns know that if they don’t give you enough of something you need, you’ll long for more. Unfortunately, your brain can misinterpret the deprivation as pining for the N. Any rare substance is usually highly valued. Since they consider themselves a great prize – to maintain this delusion – they rationing themselves out to always leave you hungry.

This includes sex & affection, & with some Ns it’s even rationing their time, disappearing for weeks, then suddenly reappearing That way these Ns can enjoy the grandiosity of tossing you a bone every now & then, as a reward for behaviors they want to encourage. And most Victims hungrily devour the scraps.

WORD SALAD CONFLICTS
If you ever disagree with a N, want something different, or challenge them in any way – expect a word salad of circular reasoning, mis-direction, projection & gaslighting. Distorted & nonsense talk often erupt into arguments – to confuse, discredit & frustrate. It’s meant to distract you from whatever the main problem is between you.

It helps to make you feel guilty for questioning the N’s behavior & (non-existent) integrity, & the nerve for having independent opinions & emotions. To the N, you are only & always the problem.
(More in posts : “Narc-Speak #1“and “Conversational Narcissism“)

NEXT: Alcoholism overlaps with N

Narcissist MIND GAMES : p-s (#6)


PREVIOUS: N Mind Games #5

SITE: Top 10 Best Video Game Narcissists of All-Time!

 


MIND GAMES (cont)
√PROVOKING JEALOUSY
Many Ns will use sexual charm to get attention, in any situation. So even though in a romantic relationship with you, they flash it around whether you’re with them or not.
EXP: befriend a flesh-&-blood person who could be a potential lover, romantically flirt online, keep track of &/or contact exes, turn their head to stare at any attractive person on the street, talk at length about a new person a work, openly flirt with others right in front of you…..

The fact that disrespecting you in these ways is degrading & hurts your feelings is dismissed as irrelevant. The N wants you to feel jealous, & to complain – so they can criticize you for being unreasonable, which serves two purposes :

✦ your jealousy is seen as a great compliment, boosting their ego, & basking in the ‘glory’ of what they imagine are two people fighting over them
✦ once you’re labeled as an insanely jealous person, they can continue their bad behavior, since any objections from you will prove YOU are the problem, not them.

VARIATION : SUBTLE FLIRTING
Because it’s subtle, you’ll be confused, wondering if what you think you’re picking up is real. You know something’s off, but can’t quite put your finger on how, so you certainly can’t ‘prove’ it. Of course they’ll deny it, accusing you of paranoia. And if they’re acting flirty when drinking, they don’t mean anything by it & well, what do you expect?

There’s many ways they do this – right in front of you : stand slightly closer to another person than is considered socially acceptable / normal. Gaze into someone’s eyes a split second too long, place their hand on someone’s back too long when walked then to the door, turn the other person’s innocent comment into a sexual innuendo, saying things like “I look forward to seeing you again soon”, exchange phone numbers, texting a ‘friend’ while on a date with you…..

√PSYCHIC DRAINING
The N’s hunger for constant SUPPLY for attention & adoration make them “emotional vampires” who deprive Sensitives / Empaths of energy, a sense of emotional safety & the ability to do self-care.
Being with a psychic drainer for any length of time will leave you in pain – anxious, confused, depressed & frightened. It will affect your productivity, the ability to focus, & your overall PMES well-being.

√SHAMING
Ns use shame to diminish you, a very damaging manipulation. It can be confusing when done by a N you trust & adore. In any N relationship, the N wants to be seen as the adult & the other person as the child.

a. One form of this sadistic tactic is to use your insecurities & personal problems to always be ‘one-up’ by making you ashamed of the things you’re the most insecure about, potentially destroying any value you may think you have

b. Another form is by constant belittlement, done in several condescending ways, such as using “baby talk” toward you, talking down to you, calling you immature & that you need to grow up. Also, ‘talk over’ you, use being ‘the authority’ (I know best), & physical posturing. The implication is that only they are psychologically ‘developed’.

SILENT TREATMENT
A form of ghosting in person! it’s passive-aggressive emotional abuse to let you know how angry they are at you for some infraction. It shows displeasure, disapproval, & contempt in nonverbal forms – not worth being acknowledged.

The goal is to let you know how ‘bad’ you are, make you powerless fix it, & trigger feeling abandoned & rejected. It can include physical signals, like glaring, making a ‘disgusted’ sound whenever they see you, deliberately walking past without eye contact, not responding to comments or questions….

If the N withdraws long enough, you can become love-starved. Then eventually they can be magnanimous & reinstate you in their good graces, creating in you an even deeper slave-bond, so you’ll do whatever they want to insure they won’t withdraw again. But of course, they’ll aways find something to stir their N-rage, & you’ll be in the dog house again. UGH!

NEXT : Mind Games #7

Narcissist MIND GAMES : o-p (#5)

 

PREVIOUS: MIND GAMES (#4)

SITE: Playing the victim 

 

 

 

MIND GAMES (cont) 

√ ONE-UPMANSHIP
Ns absolutely need to think of themselves as the best ay everything. If you’ve built a lean-to, then they’ve probably built a lean-3. Even Coverts believe they’re above the crowd, just hide their ambitions better than Overts. Ns see what others have, & expect to have more – not because they’ve done more to earn it – but because it’s their birth right (like an English peer of the realm!) .

What’s most important to Ns varies with their personality & background. For one it’s money & material things, while for another it’s more about being attractive & desirable. Whatever it is, they’re fiercely competitive about it.

Ns often focus more on looking successful than on actually succeeding. To keep up the facade, they’re get deeply into debt, or pick a younger trophy mate, who bleeds them dry.  Some Ns make a point of always putting others down – which only elevates them in their own mind

√PHONE GAME
The phone is an imperative tool for Ns, a weapon to manipulate & create chaos. They can easily Idolize, Devalue & Discard you with just text messages – all from the comfort of their home. Some uses:

🤐 subject you to silent treatments with the flip of a switch – change their number without notice, put the phone on airplane mode
🥸 a way to juggling multiple relationships, so they don’t find out about each other – block you to buy time, & when trying to hide their new supply
😧 pretend to have lost their phone, say it’s broken or the “battery died,” rather conveniently, when out with “friends” or other supply

Ns also know that their clever strategies could backfire – if caught & confronted after you’ve snuck a look at their messages & texts. They’re angry that you violated their privacy & ‘hurt’ that you don’t trust them. So they create more chaos by provoking a fight, arguments or excuses – anything to make you the “bad guy/gal”.

 √ PLAYING VICTIM
Tricking you into thinking that poor little them ‘needs you’ – is one way to set the honey trap. It’s designed to exploit someone’s good will, guilty conscience or protective nurturing instinct. Hiding behind a mask of being weak & powerless, they use helplessness to dominate, with an implied demand: “You must not let me down”

It’s particularly twisted because their real opinion of themself is ‘bigger than life’, but they’ll gladly act needy & weak – temporarily – if it’ll play on your weaknesses. If a narcissist can make you feel sorry for them, they can usually get whatever they demand. Who wouldn’t help a down-trodden friend?

Keep in mind they’ve got you all figured out. Pretty soon they’ll subtly bring up a subject they already know is hurtful (an insecurity, unhealed wounds….) , then innocently say they really “didn’t mean it”.

This ploy has many benefits. However some Ns become perpetual victims – always having a major problem, always needing your endless caretaking. This becomes exhausting, especially because they totally ignore or dismiss your needs.

√ PRETENDING IGNORANCE
Ns love to act like they don’t know what they’re doing, so they can get away with bad behavior.

In ‘Games People Play”, Eric Berne calls it the ‘Shlemiel Game’, from the Jewish folk-stereotype. The schlemiel deliberately does destructive acts & sabotage, disguising them to look like accidents.

The purpose is to elicit sympathy & compassion from those they’ve duped, called schlamazels. It’s a game with a definite psychological payoff – for the N – but with damaging real-world effects. Schlemiels often end up as criminals, playing their “game” with judges & police, after having outgrown parents,  teachers, friends…. who are sick of all the chaos the cause. (MORE….)

√ PROJECTION (not ‘Projecting‘)
This is about placing their own undesirable thoughts, emotions, or actions onto someone else, to keep up their self-imposed grandiose self-image. Ns consciously or unconsciously see flaws in other people that are not in them – only in themselves, because they can’t bear to think of themselves as bad, angry, difficult or responsible for anything.  EXP: Accusing the V of cheating when they are actually the one cheating.

NEXT: Narcissist MIND GAMES (#6)

Narcissist MIND GAMES : l-n (#4)

 

PREVIOUS: MIND GAMES (#2)

SITE: 51 telltale signs you’re married to a narcissist

 

 

√ LYING
Ns are compulsive liars – without remorse. Their personal presentation & how they interact with the world are totally based in lies. Their positive attributes & accomplishments are either exaggerated or totally made up, to trick & seduce others into continually giving them a fix of narcissistic supply: praise, admiration & perks they didn’t earn.

One of many versions are the good Samaritan helpers posing as “lovely people” in public, but are insensitive, neglectful & cruel behind closed doors.
Their power is in being able to lie so believable, because they don’t consider for a moment the negative effect their fakeness has on others’ lives, or what others need & feel

√ MIRRORING
A N will convince you that you are falling in love with the most wonderful, fantastic person you have ever metThis is done by mirroring the object of their ‘affection’ – You. They act like they love everything you love, copy your mannerisms, & ‘suddenly’ be fascinated by your interests. They even tell you that you’re their soulmate.

This false persona can lure the unwary, but especially the wounded, who never got the mirroring they legitimately need – as infants!  By meeting this need in so many ways, someone can fall in love with this fake identity – actually the V’s narcissism. like looking in their own fun-house mirror.

All the N is doing is learning all about your insecurities & strengths,  likes & dislikes to ultimately using these things to “groom” you. Scamming you comes easy to them – they’ve done this before with their previous lovers.

√ MISREPRESENTING YOU
It’s the Toxic Ns that are the mind readers! They often presume to know what you’re thinking & feeling, & it’s not accurate & it’s never good. Even the ones who act like a thoughtful, caring person – deliberately twist or misuse your words – restating what you say to make your opinions look absurd.

They put words in your mouth, making it sound like you have a bad intention or toxic view that you don’t have. If you happen to talk about a problem with them or someone else, the N may respond “So I’m the bad one,” , “Oh, so now you’re perfect?” They’re canceling out your legitimate responses to  inappropriate behavior, & making you feel guilty for trying to set boundaries.

This tactic extends to spreading mis-info about you, presenting you in a negative & false ways.

√ MONOPOLIZING CONVERSATIONS
You can’t have a normal dialog with Ns. The extroverts never seem to shut up & make it all about how they see things, but while the introverts are quieter, they too can turn any conversation back to themselves, more cleverly cutting you off. Your opinions don’t actually matter to any N.(see Post “Conversational N“)

√ NAME-CALLING
Ns will destroy anything that gets in their way or poses a threat to their self-defined image of superiority. Inside their twisted world, they’re the only person who’s always right, so anyone daring to disagree will trigger a severe rage.

At those times,  putting the other person down is the N’s automatic response. They will insult & criticize the ‘enemy’s’ opinions & beliefs, to regain a measure of ascendency. And once they get going, they won’t let up. Name calling is very childish, but by regularly dismissing, ridiculing & marginalizing anyone who they feel diminishes then, they vanquish this enemy – even if it’s their child or mate!  Ns are perfectly aware of the anxiety they cause.

√ NEGATIVE HUMOR / TEASING
Making negative or insulting remarks disguised as teasing or sarcasm are sneaky way to express denied anger, but is actually meant to punish by making you feel inferior & insecure.
If you object or call them out, the N will say “You’re too sensitive”or “You don’t have a sense of humor”.

They’ll keep throwing out malicious jokes at your expense, especially about anything that touches you deeply. They’ll ‘humorously’ shame you in front of others & insist it’s all in good fun. They’re sick, mean humor is done without remorse, while justifying themselves by saying you were the one who got them riled in the first place.

NEXT : Mind Games #5

Narcissist MIND GAMES : g-l (#3)

 

 PREVIOUS : Mind Games #1

 

 

 

 

MIND GAMES (cont)


√ GHOSTING –
Silence at a distance
In this version, you’re stuck not being able to object or find out what’s really going on. So, many Vs stew in confusions & anxiety, wondering what they’ve done wrong (which is S-H), & how they can fix it.

Ghosters either don’t respond when they say they will, or promise to show up for something but blow you off – without any warning before or apology after.
Ns know exactly what they’re doing – & that it’s hostile.
If they wanted to be respectful, keep their word,  or work out a problem, they’d text or talk to you, but NO – they’d rather leave you hanging.
They also know they can backtrack on their ‘little murder’ (angry silence) when they need you on their side. Most Victims are eager to end their own discomfort & so let the N get away with it

√ GROOMING
Preparing a potential victim to become a physical & psychological slave. The N works very hard for some period of time to create the impression that they’re a safe, generous, trustworthy person. It’s temporary & intentional – tailored to set the victim or target up for future use.

This forms an emotional connection with a child or vulnerable adult – so they can be manipulated, exploited & abuse later – and have the V tolerate & forgive the N, even blaming themself for the eventual unexpected, shocking mistreatment

√ GUILT-TRIP
Verb : To actively create guilt in another person, used on Vs as punishment for not pleasing the N.  It’s a passive-aggressive way to keep the V feeling bad about things they’re done / said or failed to do / say, which the N claims are unacceptable – but only in their eyes.

Specifically, the V will be reminded of something ‘bad’ they did –> made to feel guilty about it –> then given an option to escape punishment – by doing something the manipulator wants. If the V agrees that everything ‘wrong’ with the relationship is their fault, they’ll make a great effort to try to make up for it. That way the N never has to admit being neglectful or deliberately selfish & cruel

√ HOOVERING
Named after the Hoover vacuum, it is a tactic used by the N to “suck the V back in” to the abusive relationship they’re trying to escape or have left. The N will temporarily ‘improve’ their behavior, or give the V something they want which had previously been withheld. Neither will last!

The N can use any means necessary to re-hook the V, who is needed as ‘supply’.  EXP: guilt-tripping & shaming, false promises of changing behavior & too-good-to-be-true gifts, begging, screaming at the victim, making threats, insincerely accepting blame for what’s gone wrong, even using others (flying monkeys) to help persuade the victim to return to the relationship. (See “Narc-Speak #1”)

√ INTIMIDATE 
The N will frighten their V by threatening physical harm to them or a loved one, or threaten to deprive the V of something vital they need or that’s deeply important to them (sleep, food, money, the children….), in order to force the V to do something the N wants.
Another way is to throw tantrums when they don’t get their way – ranting on & on, loud angry voice, lots of aggressive gestures, breaking things… It’s psychological torture, always with the possibility of direct physical violence.

√ LOVE BOMB
This is when the N ‘bombs’ a new supply (you) with an OTT amount of affection, flattery, gifts & praise early in the relationship. It’s purpose is not love – it’s to win the V’s undivided attention so they’ll be the only one in control, by moving the relationship forward quickly. The N’s insecurity & inner emptiness requires an immediate fix. Also, they have very little impulse-control, like little kids – they want what they want, right now

This emotional manipulation can include: criticizing everything in your life in the name of “helping you out – to do better”, telling you exactly what you want to hear – with constant compliments & lots of physical & digital affection, giving expensive gifts (to make you indebted, since they expect something back)…. This will all end when the V is good & truly hooked.

NEXT : More Mind Games #2