NARCs seducing EMPATHs – 20 Stages (Part 1)

PREVIOUSLY: What Ns need you to be (#3)

BOOK: “Healing from Hidden Abuse,” ∼ Shannon Thomas, therapist


TRAUMA BOND

If you feel too tied to your N partner, unable to break away, you may use real-life reasons to excuse this reluctance, such as : concern about finding a place to live, supporting yourself & your children, or being prevented from seeing them or loved ones…. However, there’s more to it.

A too-intense emotional attachment is known as a trauma bond, developed from a repeated see-saw of neglect & insults, then switching to kindness & ‘warmth’ (positive reinforcement). This is abuse, creating a powerful connection that’s extremely confusing to the recipient (the empath) & hard to break.

Many harmful relationships begin with a shower of affection & assurances of love. It’s only natural to develop a bond with such a person.
So when the abuse starts, it a shock.
Afterward, the N may apologize, swear to change, or insist “I was just upset.” These manipulative responses often succeed, as the V remember those ‘pink cloud’ days, & mistakenly assume the N can be that person again. But it never gets better! (MORE….)

21 STAGES (by MARY WRIGHT on “The Power of Silence“)

1. The narcissist attracts the empath. They begin a relationship.
The empath’s love is deep & unconditional. They’re happy & satisfied every time they’re around the N, falsely assuming their love is being reciprocated.
However, the N has no intention of allowing themself to develop a strong emotional connection, which would be a loss of control

2. The empath (Em) starts to think they’ve finally met the love of their life.
The N reinforces this by designing an illusion to look like the 2 have a special attachment that’s impossible to break. For a while it may actually seem the N wants the relationship as much as the Em, but it’s not true. The N only wants power over another

3. As time passes, the N will work on breaking the Em’s self-esteem by making them feel weak & stupid. The N won’t usually attack openly, but say something like, “I don’t mean to hurt you but…”, then mention some “shortcoming”.  The Em will gradually start to believe they’re not able to think or do anything – for themselves, or at all – & so feel lucky to have the N making decision for them both, who is taking more & more control

4. The N will become the total center of the Em’s universe, being the one of the 2 with the capacity to love.  This is set up by the N who presents themself as the victimmanipulating the Em into giving them whatever they want,. Being natural givers, Ems keep being helpful, taking care of, cheer up & soothe their partner – always available whenever the N needs them

5. Because the Em’s intentions are pure, they can’t imagine that the N’s wounds are different from their own, and so is the healing. The N’s wounds cannot be healed with love, as the empath believes, because they’re immune to love

6. The relationship is more & more all about the N. Eventually, the Em realizes this, because now they’re afraid to verbalize or fight for their needs & wishes in the relationship.
The Em would rather die than give someone a reason to dislike them, so they’ll still try to please the N, even though they’re unhappy with what’s going on

7. The Em literally dances to the tune of the N. The more affection, devotion, effort, love & care they offer, the more control the N has.
Sadly, as long as the Em continues to put all that effort into ‘making it work’, it’s almost impossible for them to see the glaring, ugly truth. The problems starts when theEm finally ‘wakes up’ by reaching their breaking point

8. Day after day the Em’s own emotional, mental & physical needs remain unfulfilled. This happens because from the beginning they believed their partner’s emotional needs were all that mattered.

But when the Em finally understands their own well-being counts too, & that they’ve been living a delusion for a long time, they may start speaking up, not wanting to live with the N’s devaluations any more.

The N definitely does not like this, & will try to make the Em feel terribly selfish. And being brain-washed., Em can too easily agree.

NEXT: 20 Stages (Part 2)

What NARCISSISTS need YOU to BE (#3)


PREVIOUS : What Ns need YOU to BE (#2)

POST:  Emotional Maturity

 

 

Victim STRENGTHS – expanded (“Green flags”)
✥ ‘Adulting’ 
Narcissistic behavior is molded in an unhealthy childhood environment, which didn’t provide opportunities & role-modeling for self-reflection. This specific lack, a common feature of Ns, leads to an underdeveloped (immature) personality, so they subconsciously look for a “parental figure” to take care of them.

And it doesn’t have to be a person older than themselves.  It’s well known that alcoholic & other N parents keep using their children (even very young) to rescue them, by forced-listening to their adult troubles, negotiating the parent’s relationship, taking care of younger siblings…..

N. Victims : Co-Narcissists are much better at handling practical issues such as planning ahead, daily responsibilities, information gathering…. NOTE: This does not mean the Co-N have good self-esteem, just better inherent skills, along with over-responsibility

✥ Empathic
Ns will often act like a Victim around Sensitives, who are quick to comfort & embrace anyone who seems to be hurting.  It’s an easy way for Ns to get whatever they want, such as constantly being told they’re amazing, beautiful, clever….

Highly sensitive people (HSP) have nervous systems that process all experiences intensely. High sensitivity is mainly about how a person processes information, combining external input (sights & sounds) with deeply felt internal emotions. All that mental co-ordination is over-stimulating, so they can get easily overwhelmed.

N. Victims : Also, their brain regions associated with empathy are much more active than non-HSPs, making them giving, altruistic nurturers, drawn to helping & caring for others – indiscriminately

✥ Externally focused (locus of control)
N’s target people who are not ‘self-referencing’, which means they don’t look inside themselves to make decision, such as by asking “How do I feel about this?”
N. Victims: Co-Ns try to figure out how to feel or act based on what they think – or know – the N wants or will react, with no concern for their own True Self

✥ Financially responsible / dependable
Most Ns are fundamentally materialistic (non-spiritual), so it’s ‘normal’ for them to want lots of money. Attractive women Ns (men, on a lesser scale) tend to be on the lookout for someone who’s obviously wealthy.
N. Victims : Some are able & willing to pay for everything. It’s even better if they’re also ‘sensitive’ & functional!

✥ Forgiving
Narcissists only want to be with someone who overlooks their flaws & will forgive them for being hurtful. To stay in the relationship, they want to keep on comfortably abusing their mate / friend / employee.

N. Victims : They don’t hold grudges, so aren’t likely to leave the N during or because of the N’s abuse. This does mean unhealed Vs has little self-respect, but they see abuse-forgiveness as the ‘High Road’! , unaware that it allows them to be taken advantage of

✥ Idealistic
Because Ns want to be seen as superior, even god-like, they’re especially pleased with someone who only chooses to see the good in others. Co-Ns overlook the N’s immature, harmful & destructive traits, only seeing whatever positives the N may have.
EXP: If the N has a bad temper, the idealist only thinks about how good-looking he/she is. If the N drinks too much, this partner will ignore the problem & instead focus on admiring the N’s talents.
N. Victims: They dismiss all ‘the bad’ by wearing rose-colored glasses (denial)

✥ Loves unconditionally
Co-Ns are compassionate & trusting, with a big & open heart. But loving someone else comes before their own self-respect. This need to express love knows no bounds, but is a dangerous quality around Ns, because it has no realistic limits.  Ns are happy to play off of that, using & then sneering at the ‘suckers’

N. Victims : Pathologically over-giving people who are altruism & full of good deeds – regularly accept not having their caring & sacrifices reciprocated (Love vs N. love)

✥ Loyal
Ns demand one-way loyalty from others, being free to betray relationships as tit suits them. This can include setting up others (mate, child, employee) to be ridiculed, repeated infidelity, not backing up an agreed plan in a meeting, not taking a colleague’s side in a dispute, not protecting them from outside danger…. with no remorse.

N. Victims
: consider unswerving loyalty as part of their high moral standard which they’re very proud of. But it’s used to hide low self-esteem from themselves (Vulnerable Ns) with total B & W thinking, & so with no room for self-protection.

NEXT: Narcs seducing Empaths – #1

What NARCISSISTS need YOU to BE (#2)

PREVIOUS : What Ns need YOU to BE (#1)

SITE : 3 Types of Empathy

POST: ▸ Symbiosis

 

🎯 NOTE:  MOST competent, caring, talented, successful people are not conned by the charm & seduction of narcissists (N), whether Overt or Covert.

💘 Narcissist abuse is intentional. They know full well that what they’re doing is wrong – just don’t feel bad about it. PROOF = THEY :
▪︎ will automatically turn the abuse on or off, depending on who’s around
▪︎ definitely calculate the abuse, being both Victim- & Situation-specific
▪︎ gaslight their victims into believing the abuse never happened
▪︎ can be seen smirking with delight as they inflict harm

Victim WEAKNESSES  – expanded
✥ Compliant
Ns want to have their own way, tending to be rule-oriented & rigid. They’re only interested in partners willing to always ‘go with the flow’ & not make a big deal over anything, no matter how irresponsible, outrageous or dangerous a situation the N puts their victim in.
N. Victims : Need to be overly-flexible, willing to rarely or never get their way, & gradually compromise away desires, dreams, needs, wants, plans, schedules….

✥ Co-Dependent
“Magnet-like chemistry brings co-deps & Ns together in an enchanted fantasy that can never be sustained. It’s a complicated ‘dance’, showing what each needs the other for. Since the N hates dependence & the Co-N is terrified of independence, they’re each other’s antidote, forming an unhealthy completeness.

Given time, the co-dep’s soulmate-dream will predictably dissolve, leaving him/her with cellmate-reality.”

N. Victims: suffer from “Self-Love Deficit Disorder” (SLDD)
BOOK: “The Human Magnet Syndrome (HMS), the Codependent Narcissist Trap (More….)

✥ Depressed & Anxious
Ns need their victim (V.) to be looking for a ‘savior’, which the N is more than willing to apply for – at first, until the victim is hooked. Many externally functional people with a wounded core have ‘walking depression’, well hidden from most others. But Ns have a broken-wing detector, homing in on just the right kind of pidgin.
N. Victims : the most ‘attractive’ are untreated or unhealed walking-wounded, with a great front

✥ From Dysfunction
Ns prefer someone from an unhappy background (like ACoAs), since they’re much more willing to tolerate the N’s abuse. Ns want complete control, gradually isolating the V. from any support, which is easier with someone who may already be estranged from family.

If someone in the V’s family becomes suspicious of the N’s behavior, the abuser can launch an attack on that relative’s credibility & character, making the V doubt that person’s good intensions & warnings.

And when the V is upset about anything in the relationship, the N can say “You wouldn’t be feeling this way if you has a more stable background / Your complaint is more about them than me….”

N. Victims : need to see the N as the hero who ‘cares’ for them, unlike their own family, so they’ll do anything to avoid arguments or conflicts

✥ Overly Responsible
Ns are irresponsible emotionally, practically & relationally. So having a partner who will constantly “pick up the pieces” helps keep their game going. After all, someone has to raise the kids & pay the bills…. as long as it’s not them.

N. Victims : beside taking on the responsibilities of others, Sensitives are prone to deep introspection, but to the point of over-analysis, which allows them to rationalize the N’s behavior & pin the blame on themselves

✥ Running on Empty
Overt Ns love to be blatantly in charge, treated as if they know everything – always right & superior to the hoi-poloi. They look for mates, friends or employees who want to be guided, told what to do & even how they should feel – while expected to be highly competent & knowledgable – but only to benefit the N.

N. Victims: adults who had emotionally neglectful parents in the first 6 years or life, especially 1 co-dep & 1 N, are most vulnerable to the superficial glitter of the N’s smoke-&-mirrors initial presentation (BOOK: “Running on Emptyby Jonice Webb, PhD.

✥ Self-Sacrificing
Narcissists want partners who ‘practice’ self-deprivation, denying their needs – or at least not asking for any – since Ns aren’t interested in providing them. That way the N is always sure to be the only one getting ‘fed’.

Also, Ns mistake kindness in & caring for others as weakness, which they readily take advantage of.
N. Victims : are compulsively anorexic in many parts of their lives – especially depriving themselves of compassion, safety & respect.

NEXT: Victim STRENGTHS ( #3)

What NARCISSISTS need YOU to BE (#1)

PREVIOUS: Financial abuses

SITEs: “What is wrong with the person who is with a N

POST:  Self-esteem is not…

 


Narcissists (Ns) don’t like to see see other people being happy. They’re jealous of your good life, so don’t want you to have it.
It’s a common misconception that abusers go for broken people. Actually – both Over & Covert Ns are attracted to the talented & competent, precisely for their strengths rather than their weaknesses.
The Overts – to break them & the Coverts – to leach off of them.

Ns are looking for the exact opposite of themselves. They’re desperate to keep their ‘supply’ coming. They can’t provide their own internal energy source, so become incredibly skilled at knowing who to go after.

Grandiose / Overt Narcissists :
☛ find it more entertaining to take down someone who’s impressive in some way, such as in their friendship circles or family
☛ only want to be with people who reflect well on themselves, because of the victim’s career, hobbies & talents

☛ thrive on the chaos they create for someone who had their life in order
☛ like to show off their partner in public, but be able to abuse them behind the scenes

☛ Ns enjoy the challenge of breaking  someone’s will. This includes destroying any strong support system (friends, family) which will threaten the Ns’ control

GREEN FLAGS – Overview of the positives Ns WANT you to BE :
❥ Compassionate = you care so much, all they have to do to hook you is spin a pitiful yarn that tunes into your empathy
❥ Competitive = you challenge their god-status, which triggers one-upmanship, so they can win at your expense

green flags❥ Eye Candy = you need to be good looking (Ns have to be with beautiful people), even if they’re not that attractive
❥ Forgiving = you can let go of others’ mistakes, which gives the N a license to keep ‘sinning’

❥ Good listener = will pay attention to all their stories, lies & BS
❥ Idealist = as a dreamer you believe there’s good in everyone – easily taken advantage of
❥ Loyal = the N will make you loyal to them & then gradually question your loyalty, using false guilt to manipulate you

❥ Responsible = letting you make personal choices, then accusing you of selfishness
❥ Sexual = they want it, & act so passionate. They make it seem safe when they say you’re special, ‘differ­ent than anyone else’ in their life

❥ Smart = you’re a cover for ‘normal’. A clever person wouldn’t be with an evil abuser, right?
❥ Spiritual = you’ll be compassionate & trusting, rising above human foibles, believing your union was ‘meant to be’

Ns also WANT you to HAVE:
❥ Assets
= a home &/or financial security is VERY appealing
❥ Children = being caring will make you a good parent – which the N doesn’t know how to be – so the N can look like a good family men / woman without doing the work
❥ Good career
= better able to provide for the N

❥ Integrity = because you have good values, you’ll stay longer to uphold them. But it also makes the N want to break you so you won’t use your principles to challenge them
❥ Money = it’s a whole lot easier to take yours than to work for their own

HOWEVER: To be attractive AND attracted to a N, someone must also have underlying weaknesses in their personality structure, not part of their True Self. This may be very hard for N-victims to admit, but their continued addictive attachment to the N is proof. It’s someone :

🔻with unhealed trauma. The N figures out your specific needs & presents themselves as the great hero who will provide them & fix the hurt

🔻lacking a clear self-identity. Many functional, talented people do express abilities, but are missing a deep inner sense of their own true value (impostor syndrome)

🔻with weak personal boundaries. allowing them to be constantly violated. You obey the Toxic Rule “Other people’s needs are more important than my own”

🔻who doesn’t have a ‘happy, productive life’, so you make the N your whole existence, the magician who will heal your wounds, & therefore you never want to let go of

🔻not on your own side – so when the N is abusive, you stay attached instead of pulling away to honor the truth & take care of yourself

🔻terrified of abandonment, who will sacrifice sanity, freedom & peace, while tolerating all the abuse, chaos, drama & loneliness, dished out. (More….)

 NEXT : Victim Characteristics – #2

Narcissists’ FINANCIAL Abuses

PREVIOUS : COVERT Ns, #2

SITEs: “Narcissistic Abuse & Financial Abuse” (extensive)

Money: They still want to make you pay. Literally” (re. Ex-spouse) Scroll down

The Narcissist & Money Control

👫 Men, Women & Money – How the Sexes Differ With Their Finances 

Narcissists love money, of course! They love any resource that gives them power & control , & money is a major tool for that

NOTE: Most of the literature focuses on how male Ns use $$ to harm their mates & family. However, Financial Abuse covers much more ground than sexual relationships. Interestingly, there are a number of ways an N can MIS-use $$, depending on their TYPE .

There’s the N WHO
a. has accumulated or inherited money, & uses it to ‘keep’ another person (either gender)

b. has little or no money of their own, & won’t earn their own way, so they find someone else to support them

c. as a parent – will be more ‘generous’ to a favored child who knows how to stroke the N’s ego
Or who spends all their time & money on one sibling, while ignoring or actively belittling another (the scapegoat)

d. is the spouse or ex (usually male) with a good enough income they can dictate how much is spent on the family, usually to their detriment.
WHO :
e. has money but hoards or hides all of it, so they force a partner to pay more than their share of the bills.
This can also show up as the ‘friend / boyfriend’ who never seems to have their wallet with them when you’re out together

f. promises their adult-children, other relatives or long-term aids a large inheritance after their death, to keep (at least) one at their beck & call. Sadly, that victim may not get the money in the end

g. does spend money on a child, both young & later when grown, as a substitute for any form of emotional connection (paying them off)

h. throws money around in public to look grand & generous, but is stingy with their own family. This can be in the form of big donations to religious institutions or charities, OR showering it on buddies, bosses, clients, animals….
WHO :
i. acts like they care about their spouse but is constantly lying about how much money they have (sooo little) so they can’t help out right now. They promise to do better soon, but never come up with the dough they owe

j. compulsively uses their parent or spouse’s bank account, to over-spend on expensive clothes, jewelry, plastic surgery, gurus, trips…. OR drugs, without agreement or permission

k. steals their aged parent(s) SS checks
l. refuses to pay child support, ever
m. spends all their mate’s bank account – or empties it – as punishment for not getting their own way, OR possibly for truly being mistreated

n. uses every legal & illegal means to hide money & assets – before a divorce – so the spouse is left with little or nothing

NEXT : What Narcs NEED you to BE #1

COVERT Narcissism (Part 2)

 

PREVIOUS: COVERT Narcissism (Part 1)

Audible BOOK (11 hrs) :
Trapped in the Mirror – Adult-children of Ns….” ∼ Elan Golomb

 

COVERT SPECIFICS (cont)  C-Ns = covert narcs

❥ Overts are terrified of being alone – an exaggeration of the Extrovert side of the MBTI E-I continuum.
Coverts are much more comfortable being alone, a general preference for Introverts. However with C-Ns, this can be taken to an extreme. Combining self-hate (S-H),fear of abandonment (FoA), fear of commitment (FoC) & fear of responsibility (FoR) will make it easier for Cs to isolate to the point of emotional & psychological starvation.

❥ Cs are more likely to suffer from depression, from a history of being abused, & from lacking even a small support system. Being less communicative than Extroverts (even secretive) many Cs lead double lives, which can turn them paranoids – having a lot to hide, like being orderly at work but messy in their home.

Their introversion can become warped by the severity of N traits, forcing them deeper into silence, & over time into abject misery – since it gets harder to gather enough ‘supply’ to keep the False Self (FS) from collapsing.
In that case, the False Self – which needs fuel to survive – turns in on itself, devouring whatever’s left inside. So instead, in order to survive, they use extremes of pity plays or people-pleasing to get the strokes that will keep them going.

The FS is a defensive identity formed in childhood to cope with a neglectful & abusive family life – a version of themselves they hope will be more acceptable to others – but at a great cost. As they grow up, they’ll defend the FS like it is a life or death issue – since It’s all they have.

They become totally invested in making sure everyone else accepts & admires the FS, taking great pains to hide the ‘Real’ one. Like Overts, they too are afraid to dig behind their defense walls to liberate the True Self, which is buried deep, along with any true empathy for others.

❥ Another version of Coverts are the Wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Many C-Ns seem gentle & humble. Some like to portray themselves as empathy itself, angels in human form – dedicated to the path of ‘enlightenment’. They can reel you in by appealing to your caring & empathy, & their lack of obvious arrogance can unfortunately numb your fears & suspicion.

These C-Ns will compulsively rescue everyone, perform lots of good deeds & help charity organizations…., thriving on feedback from their community that will say: “You’re such a kind person!” However, behind closed doors they can be tyrants.

Wolves disguise their true intentions. THEY:
1. live to take power, instead of empowering others
2. will charm you first, to give the impression they care
3. seem sweet on the outside, but eventually bare their teeth
4. manipulate through emotions to get what they want
5. tell ‘stories’ that are full of holes (Explanations…)

SITE:How to Recognize Psychic Narcissists Masquerading as Empath Healers

NEXT: Ns financial abuse

COVERT Narcissism (Part 1)

 

PREVIOUS: Overt Ns #3

⬆️ On CHART : Letters A, B, C, D represent people with varying degrees of N damage – who are closer or further away from a Healthy Self. They function in the real world, but their behavior alternates between the extremes of Rage & Awe, creating much internal turmoil, & constant drama in their relationships & at work.

Os or O-Ns = Overts or OVERT Ns (‘narc’ = narcissist)
Cs or C-Ns = Coverts or Covert Ns //  FS = False self 

Covert Ns can be hard to identify & even harder to expose. While Overt Ns idealize themselves, Cs invest their heart & soul into idealizing something outside of themselves, hoping they’ll get warm inside by basking in reflected glory. AND, It doesn’t only have to be a person, but also religion, ideology, political movements, charity organizations….

C-Ns tend to be shy, sensitive & insecure, but Os & Cs share the same core personality traits. EXP: The difference is like listening to a song on full blast or very low. The song remains the same, only the volume changes.

IMP: Thecovert” aspect of N is not about hiding abuse or being slyly manipulative, which are common to all types of Ns.
IT IS about the fact that C-Ns are by nature more toward the Introvert end of the MBTI  E-I scale, which masks their underlying grandiosity.

If someone seems shy but still manages to suck all the air out of the room, you’re probably in the presence of an introverted N. Their partners know that there’s nothing covert about how arrogant, withholding & argumentative Cs can be.
EXP: Someone who jumps on everything you say, “What did you mean by that?”
OR who often goes into bitter rants about all the ways they’re being mistreated by everyone….

What Cs & Os have in common (intro- & extra- verts)
✴︎ They too crave importance, thirsting for admiration, but will look different to observers. They might give back-handed compliments, or purposefully minimize their accomplishments & talents so people will reassure them about how talented they are

✴︎ They cling to feeling special, but with low self-esteem the grandiosity takes a different form. Cs fantasize about their greatness more than advertise it. Some Cs imagine themselves a misunderstood or undiscovered genius, a long-suffering victim (troubled teens can raise this to high art), the most sensitive person in the room, or the biggest piece of s–t!

THEY ARE:
✴︎ hyper-sensitive: reacting to slights & criticism, apt to attack “enemies” in a flash
✴︎ manipulative : which is by definition Sneaky. Loud Os or quiet Cs, they’re equally crafty
✴︎ not self-reflective, unwilling to uncover their motivations & feelings
✴︎ very abusive – mentally, emotionally & verbally, sometimes physically
THEY:
✴︎ use narc-speak / ‘word salad’, convoluted & deliberately confusing talk
✴︎ struggle to recognize needs & feelings of others, unless those relate to themself
✴︎ lack object-constancy, seeing things in B & W
EXP: When angry at you (unaware of feeling abandoned), they forget all the good things about you, & suddenly you’re all bad

✴︎ use gaslighting, triangulation & other mind games
– Overt
s are in your face with it – they like you knowing they ‘gotch-ya’
– Coverts 
fool you by making you think they’re loyal & faithful – while sneaking around. They’re more dangerous & damaging because you don’t see them coming.

COVERT SPECIFIC
1. Overt-Ns are often ambitious, successful go-getters, full of charm & energy
‣ but many COVERTS are marked by failed ambitions, chronic feeling of emptiness, & low functioning. When supply-depleated, they can sink into hopeless apathy

2. Overts can be identified by how they tell everyone how amazing they are, bragging about abilities & achievements
‣ but COVERTS are known to present themselves as weak & needy victims, & then run that ‘game’ as bait to reel in supply

❥ They’re often referred to as ‘Vulnerable Ns”. But there’s actually nothing vulnerable about them. That’s the problem.
If they could be emotionally open & vulnerable, they would be able to form secure attachments, which is what helps prevent people from becoming NPDs in the first place.

True vulnerability means taking genuine emotional risks & openly turning to others for support – rather than endlessly complaining.

NEXT: Covert Ns – #2

OVERT NARCISSISTS – toward others (Part 2)


PREVIOUS: Overt Ns toward others – #1

SITE:  10 Signs of a toxic person


Re. Treating OTHERS – THEY (Ns) cont :

are self-righteous
N assume their point of view is inherently superior to other people’s. And what they truly value is the attention they get for their ideas.

EXP:  a N may actually believe he/she has a closer connection to God than everyone else, but what’s more important to them is that others believe the N has this ‘connection’ & admires their ‘deep’ spirituality

don’t actually listen
Ns really don’t care about what you have to say, so they don’t ask how you are or what’s going on in your life.
But even if they happen to, out of politeness-training, they don’t actually let you say more than a word or two before they just start going on about themselves again

◆ are good at stonewalling
Ns are the ‘best’ at ignoring requests that don’t fit their agenda. They’ll refuse to : compromise, collaborate, negotiate a conflict in good faith refuse to : listen to another’s point of view with an open mind, support another’s plans, nor openly discuss their own motivations.
Another version – simply ignoring a person, refusing to acknowledge their existence

don’t give compliments, unless….
Ns want to be admired. They’re not interested in making others feel good about themselves. That’s not their job in life. You’re ‘lucky’ if you do get a compliment, which should make you suspicious about their motive. Don’t assume it’s sincere. However, if a N is trying to sexually seduce someone, they’ll gush about how wonderful the potential mark is, but only until they’ve ‘won’.

◆ over-rate their attractiveness
According to one study, Ns are generally rated as more stylish & physically attractive. However, this isn’t always the case.

According to another study (2008), Ns rated themselves highly in both looks & intelligence, but their IQ tests proved to just be average. When their peers were asked to rate their N friends on looks, the results were lower than what the Ns gave themselves.

don’t pick unattractive friends (usually)
This applies mainly to Extrovert Ns, who are in business, entertainment, politics…. anywhere they’re visible. Since they only do what benefits them, picking who they surround themselves with is important. Those have to be attractive & “upper-class” people who enhance their prestige, making them feel superior & invincible.

However, there are plenty of  ‘vulnerable’ Ns who hide behind false modesty, do-gooding, caretaking…. in which case they need to be the only one who’s attractive, reenforcing their sense of superiority.

Younger N men & women have different styles. Women choose male friends with high social status so they can feel worthwhile. Guys choose bros who are willing to be their ‘wingman’ when trying to pick up girls

are serial romantics
The “seductive” Ns fall in & out of ‘love’ quickly & easily, often with someone they don’t know very well. They think their partner is absolutely perfect – a match to their own perfection. When reality sets in they realize their partner is flawed, which often ends the relationship

cheat in relationships
Psychologists’ research found that narcissists are more likely to cheat – once they think their partners are committed. They tend to use more sexually explicit language in every-day conversation, & seem to get a charge out of convincing others to engage in promiscuous sexual acts they wouldn’t normally participate in. (MORE….)

don’t incorporate security into relationships
Ns want to keep you off balance, to never feel secure in the relationship. Your anxiety & fear of losing them makes them feel important.
AND Triangulation is a favorite tactic:

1. Stirring up jealousy = constantly look at / commenting about attractive strangers, or talking about about an ex….
2. Division = talking trash about your friends, & doing the same with them about you
3. Recruitment = calling in reinforcements to be on their side when the 2 of you are fighting
4. Cruel break-up styles = such as telling others how bad you are & getting them to agree. (MORE….)

don’t stick around
If you’re staring to bore them in any relationship, expect a N to pack up & leave. They want your full attention, which includes only talking about & doing what interest them, & keeping them entertained. Otherwise – they’re on to the next person who will.

NEXT : Who Ns are attracted to (#1)

OVERT NARCISSISTS – toward others (Part 1)


PREVIOUS: ACoAs as Ns – Growth goals

SITE:  Ns at WORK – 30 red flags

 

NOTE: Outsiders often ask a complaining N-victim: “Why do you put up with such bad behavior? If it were me, I’d have left right away.”

ANS: N. abuse is GRADUAL, increasing ever so slowly – so the victim won’t catch on too soon & escape. Ns need their target to ‘accept’ abuse as part of their daily routine, so they’ll get used to being treated with insensitivity & disrespect.

Re. Treating OTHERS – THEY (Ns):
don’t see others as equals
Ns believe they are the top of the world & so look down on everyone else. They can secretly admit someone may be their ‘better’ only so they can drain them (career, financial gain….), but then have to use all their manipulative skills to hide the conviction of their superiority.

If you’re an ‘average ‘Joe/Jane’ – in their eyes – & try to associate yourself with them as an equal, they’ll do anything in their power to bring you down – where they assume you belong

think everyone else is stupid
Many Ns are know-it-alls, so have a hard time getting along with coworkers & friends. They refuse to believe they could possibly be wrong about anything, & have a “my way or the highway” approach to decision-making

  but – put some people on pedestals
For Ns, everything has to be perfect, but secretly know they’re not. So they look to absorb it from others they idealize.

N-logic says: “If I find someone perfect to be close to, maybe some of their wonderfulness will rub off on me, & then I’ll become perfect too.”
With that fantasy in mind, Ns cozy up to a colleague or crush they decide is perfect, but get royally disappointed when that person doesn’t live up to the image they created

like to put other people down
Ns intentionally put others down so they can keep a high positive image of themselves. Being admire is like a drug for narcissists. In the long run it’s tough to keep being supplied when others won’t applaud them. So they have to keep searching for new acquaintances in order to get the next fix – which causes unstable relationships

don’t feel the need to be polite
At the best of times a N’s sense of superiority allows them to feel exempt from the rules of society, common courtesy being one.
Ns know that antisocial behavior isn’t acceptable, but are just fine with acting inappropriately because they constantly feel they’ve been wronged.

One study indicated that subjects with a high N-score are argumentative & curse more than their less reactive counterparts. They often take offense when it’s not intended, leading others to exclaim in confusion : “That’s not what I meant!”
However, don’t ever disrespect them – no matter how tempting. They’ll definitely not forgive or forget – ever! & will look to be revenged, however long it may take

◆ love telling others what to do
Ns typically enjoy leadership positions so they can dominate others to fulfill their need for constant positive reinforcement. And they expect others to go along with their every single plan & idea, unquestioned.
N leaders have either ‘dark’ or ‘bright’ leadership qualities, the latter more visible at first.  However, since Ns also have negative inter-personal features, they’re likely to abusing their power, with harmful consequences for the organization

◆ are a ’bad sport
Overt Ns are bullies, & one of their most troublesome traits is generally being a sore loser and a sore winner.
EXP: In sports, when they lose, they might try to humiliate the referee. When they win, they might gloat or abuse the loser

 are shape-shifters
Ns are actors playing a role – called narcissistic masks – the chameleon who changes their ‘persona’, based on who they’re with.

The role chosen is a hook, used to pretend they’re just like you. If you like country music so will they, if you have a dog, they do too….or in different groups, they pretend to be exactly what that group is looking for, so they can fit in. But there’s always a crack in the image of total togetherness, because they can’t keep it up. It was a lie from the start.

NEXT: Ns – re. Others #2

OVERT NARCISSISTS – about themselves (Part 2)

narcissist cartoon

PREVIOUS : Identifying the N (Part 2) 

Re. THEMSELVES (Ns) cont. — THEY:
don’t show their ‘true’ (damaged) self
Ns are manipulative, so of course they won’t be themselves when you first meet. They lure you into believing they’re an OK ‘normal’ person, maybe even sweet & kind. You won’t find out the truth until much later – when it’s too late because you’re already hooked.

don’t like losing control
Ns can’t stand to be at the mercy of other people’s preferences, which remind them they’re not invulnerable or completely independent. EXP: They may have to ask for what they want, & even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request.

When Ns are not in the driver’s seat in all situation, with everyone –  they get extremely anxious &/or angry – but won’t want to show it, because that would also be losing control!
Having everything be the way they want – without consideration for others – gives them a sense of security, knowing others will give in

◆ don’t do anything they don’t want to, OR that doesn’t benefit them
They can do helpful, useful things for others, but t’s not from generosity. It will only be something they actually like to do & nothing more. If it happens to be good for you too – that’s lucky, because anything else will be ignored.
EXPs:

✘ If an important object, emotion or need you have does not make sense to them, they’ll ignore it or blatantly put it down, no matter how much it means to you
✘ Ns don’t do anything without benefitting themselves. Whatever ‘kindness’ they do for you – they’re already calculating what they’ll get in return. You won’t know what they’re going to want until they call in a very big favor, out of proportion to what they did.
So, automatically giving a N whatever they want is NOT a good idea.

◆ don’t take orders
Don’t try to order a N around (not that it’s OK to do to anyone). But Ns are especially touchy about their importance & high value, so trying to be in charge of them or take control away from them will put a big dent in their self-esteem. It shouldn’t be surprising to later find they’re out for revenge, directly or subtly

won’t let anyone prove them wrong
Ns will argue that black is white until you start agreeing. This is one of the biggest negatives from being around them for too long. Arguing with them is a waste of time & effort, because they have their ‘reasons’ all figured out. Some even believe that they’re spouting.

The clever ones can sound very ‘logical’ & therefore convincing. BUT each premise is always flawed in some subtle way.
Others just repeat their crazy thinking (illogical, contradictory, untenable….).  Unless you’re very clear (“I know what I know”), you may start doubting your own beliefs & actual experiences, because they sound soooo convinced of their position.

◆ never allow you to see them as the bad guy / gal
Ns can never tolerate seeing themselves as the ‘bad one’, so have to make sure you don’t either. No matter the reality of a situation – of their making or just life – the blame for something being ‘off’ will ultimately fall on you, which can easily have make you feel like a terrible person. But getting you to feel bad about yourself is exactly what they want. That way they ‘win’.

constantly feel under-appreciated
Their grandiose attitude means they always have a grievance against the worldBecause they feel entitled to something better, Ns are convinced they’re not getting the recognition they deserve, & can become bitter & cynical  

◆ If not outwardly grandiose ….
“Covert N”, is the softer – BUT not milder – form, expressed in being anxious, defensive, hypersensitive & withdrawn, as opposed to the blatant hyper-aggressive, super-loud Trump type.
Both share a common core of arrogance, conceit, & giving in to their own needs while disregard others, just in a different style.

Extrapolated from “The Narcissist You Know.” by psychologist  Joseph Burgo, Ph.D.

NEXT : Overt Ns – toward others (#1)