SELF-HATE & ACoAs (Part 3)

 

I CAN’T STAND FEELING LIKE THIS –
there has to be a better way!

PREVIOUS: S-H – Essence, Source (Part 2)

BOOK:  “Compassion & Self-Hate”
— Theodore Rubin  (highly recommended)

PURPOSE of S-H is TO:
• protect our fantasy of having good, loving, safe parents
• protect us from feeling the reservoir of old abandonment pain
• keep from risking any change via S & I (letting go means we’ll die)
• keep us attached to the family (stave off deep loneliness)
• prevent us from dealing with ‘ugly emotions’ like our rage, envy, longing, hopelessness…
• protects us from Growing up, taking care of ourselves (we want to be taken care of! no matter what the cost is)

RESULTS of Self-Hate
Keeps us :
• trapped in a constant state of FoA (fear of abandonment) – neediness, vulnerability, fear of being hurt or left alone
• a victim – believing we deserve whatever abuse or neglect we receive, any time, any place
• ‘anorexic’: under-earning, little or not affection, sex, love, attention, connections….
• afraid to know our ‘true self’ – which we’re sure is awful, maybe even evil
• depressed,  paranoid, hopeless, suicidal
• in an impotent rage (overt or hidden) because we still want things we think we can’t have or get
• perfectionistic – expect too much of ourselves: we’re bad if we don’t have the American dream, higher education, lots of money, the right job / car / house / spouse ….
• taking everything personally!!! The wrong look, being ignored, a selfish remark… from others can send us into a tailspin

Reinforces:
• the ‘need’ for addictions & any other forms of self-destructiveness
• the compulsion to stay symbiotically attached – to family & everyone else – because we don’t know we have a “True Self” to rely on
• letting others abuse us (we may even invite it) without stopping them or holding them accountable….
• staying in a rage that no one is willing to take care of us, fix, us, magically make it all better
• the belief that we have no rights, while thinking we can / must control everything & everyone (opposite of the Serenity Prayer)!

Prevents us from:
• knowing there’s goodness, kindness & love – in the world and for US
• trusting our intuition & accumulated knowledge / experiences
• knowing & valuing our good qualities & natural tendencies (being sensitive, artistic, emotional, intelligent, talented in some way, talkative, having a strong personality…)
• having dreams, wishes & hopes, & so can’t pursue them
• having boundaries (who do you think you are?)
• letting people get too close to us – S-H prevents genuine intimacy
• developing a Loving Inner Parent to nurture ourselves
• being relaxed, having fun, being light
• being able to grow, heal & enjoy life (believe we’re too messed up to ever get well, find love, leave ‘them’, have our dreams…)

RECOVERY from Self-Hate
a. INFO: S-H is a false belief & painful emotion – it is NOT who we are. We were not born hating ourselves. We had to learn it!
THEREFORE – it does not have to be permanent. We can outgrow it.

b. Awareness  – of what exactly S-H is & what it’s for
• that all our ‘failures’ & character defects are the result of our S-H (see  “Negative Benefits of Self-destructive Patterns”)
• the origin of S-H: it’s the direct, inevitable result of the myriad ways we were abandoned as kids on all 4 levels: P.M.E.S.
✶ 3 Cs of Al-Anon: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it!

c. Acceptance – of all our emotions, even S-H: Don’t hate yourself for hating yourself! We just don’t have to act on them (Es) all the time
• need to ‘sit with feelings’, go into them, don’t try to suppress them – they will pass
• we learned toxic rules from our family, but we can be free of it
• expect some backlash (from ourselves & others) when we start disobeying our ‘stinkin’ thinkin’ & the way we respond to people
• that we’re responsible for our own emotions & how we deal with them
• that WE were NOT the cause of our early suffering. We simple did not have the power to make our parents mistreat us!
• being loved cannot be earned.  The other person must already have the ability to love! We can not create that ability in another

d. Action – Change the thoughts / messages we’ve been believing.  Make new statements & repeat them every day. (See “Why are you stuck?” – & use the chart).
• Change how we behave – not let ourselves be bullied, disrespected, not considered (it’s OUR job to say how we want to be treated)
• STOP trying to fix / change other people. It’s arrogant & futile
• Actively work at correcting our understanding of life & others – not everyone is safe, nor is everyone dangerous
• Choose winners: kind, balanced, functional people to associate with.  They don’t have to be ‘flawless’ or without damage. They mainly have to be willing to take responsibility for their own Ts, Es & As
➼ Repeat to yourself every day: “No matter what I do – I don’t deserve abuse for it!”

NEXT: Rescuing #1

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