EVERYONE’S HURTING ME!
Ow, Ow, Ow!
PREVIOUS: OUR WIC (Part 1) Raising ourselves
WHO IS this INNER CHILD ?
Our Adapted Child (which everyone has) became our WIC by absorbing the Toxic Rules of our family, and is now determined to keep acting out the patterns we learned in our family & society (Repetition Compulsion), no matter how sick or self-destructive, by either being:
• Compliers – We are good obedient adult-children, but never getting the family’s love we’re desperately trying to earn, who suffer a variety of illnesses from suppressing our own needs & emotions (ACoA website)
• Rebellers – We who feel compelled to obey, but hate it & desperately try to resist. We’re oppositional (always say NO, even when we want to say YES) in a futile attempt at boundaries & disobeying the Toxic Rules. But we do it in such self-defeating & self-destructive ways that we end up causing ourselves even more harm!
Wounded Inner Child’s (WIC) in charge
As a result, we never learned to be Healthy Adults or Loving Parents (The UNIT) to ourselves – our role models being mainly other people’s PP and WIC! So when ACoAs become adults, our Wounded Inner Child, in symbiotic slavery to the Bad inner Parents, is still the main persona running our life, in the form of the False Self.
It has kept us alive so far – but not well. Since it has no better inner guide to rely on, it is not going to let go just because we ask it to!
• is stubbornly loyal to the family, even if it kills us
• has learned to trust no one, even people who seem OK
• doesn’t really know what it’s doing, because it’s always faking it
• is in endless terror, (consciously or not) accumulated from birth – on
• is wrapped in self-hate & shame, smothering the Natural Child
✶ AND – is secretly very proud of it’s ability to survive the odds, which gives it a strong determination to keep the reins of power!
These are some of the reasons that Recovery is so long & difficult.
This cannot be stressed enough: Without family-of-origin Recovery (FoO work), the WIC ego state still dominates our life* in all forms of T.E.A., with the deadly combination of S-H & fierce loyalty to the Negative Introject (PP), via Cognitive Distortions.
This is true even though for many of us – our various defense mechanisms, layered on top of the damage – make it seem as if we’re managing ok. No matter how externally successful, competent, accomplished, talented we may be – if our thinking & emotional reactions are coming from an old place – we are still not psychologically healthy or free.
✶ So it’s inevitable that much of the time we’re immature in how we respond to people, places & things (PPT)! Below are a few of the ways.
Keep in mind: As long as we don’t have a fully functioning Loving Parent, plus a stronger Healthy Adult, the real voice in charge of us is the PP. The easy way of telling is by listening to the way we talk to ourselves. The WIC, even in Rebel mode, is carrying out the demands of the PP. So even when we’re defiant or time we are being oppositional, we’re still hooked into the family dynamic.
Without a Healthy Adult in charge:
• we don’t handle our lives properly
• we let other people’s WIC or PP mistreat us
• the healthy Natural Child doesn’t get to develop
• we can’t be the best we were born to be
Without a Loving Parent always available, the WIC:
• is at the mercy of our PP & the damage it causes us
• is run by its S=H & distorted thinking
• feels constantly scared & vulnerable
• is terribly lonely & desperate to be rescued
NEXT: Abandonment Pain, Now #1