EVERYONE’S HURTING ME!
Ow, Ow, Ow!
PREVIOUS: OUR WIC (Part 1) Raising ourselves
REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
WHO IS THIS IC?
Our Adapted Child (which everyone has) became our WIC by absorbing the Toxic Rules of our family, and is NOW determined to keep acting out the patterns we learned in our family & society (Repetition Compulsion) no matter how sick or self-destructive, by either being:
• Compliers – the good obedient adult-child, but still not getting the family’s love we’re desperately trying to earn, & suffer a variety of ills from suppressing our own needs & emotions (ACoA website)
• Rebellers – who feel compelled to obey, while at the same time desperately wanting to resist. We are oppositional (always say NO, even when we mean YES) in a futile attempt at having boundaries & disobeying the Toxic Rules. But we do it in such self-defeating & self-destructive ways that we end up causing ourselves even more harm!
This cannot be stressed enough: Without family-of-origin Recovery (FoO work), the WIC ego state still dominates our life* in all forms of T.E.A., with the deadly combination of S-H and fierce loyalty to the Negative Introject (PP), via our Cognitive Distortions. This is true even though for many of us – our various defense mechanisms, layered on top of the damage, make it seem as if we’re managing ok. No matter how externally successful, competent, accomplished, talented we may be – if our thinking & emotional reactions are coming from an old place – we are still not psychologically healthy.
✶ So it’s inevitable that much of the time we’re immature in how we respond to people, places & things! Below are a few of the ways.
Keep in mind: As long as we don’t have a fully functioning Loving Parent, plus a stronger Healthy Adult, the real voice in charge of us is the PP. The easy way of telling is by listening to the way we talk to ourselves. The WIC, even in Rebel mode, is carrying out the demands of the PP. So even when we’re defiant or time we are being oppositional, we’re still hooked into the family dynamic.
Without a Healthy Adult in charge:
• we don’t handle our lives properly
• we let other people’s WIC or PP mistreat us
• the healthy Natural Child doesn’t get to develop & shine
• we can’t be the best we were born to be
Without a Loving Parent always available, the WIC:
• is at the mercy of the PP & the damage it caused us
• is run by its S=H & distorted thinking
• feels constantly scared & vulnerable
• is terribly lonely & desperate to be rescued
Some T.E.A. ways our WIC runs the show
1. THOUGHTS (Ts)
• S-H & believing what the PP voice is saying about us : thinking no one likes us, we’ll never get anywhere, we can’t get better…
• telling strangers too much personal info
• taking everything personally
• always apologizing
• devaluing anything we are, think or do
• not developing our knowledge base
• not thinking clearly (using C.D.s)
• awful-izing (always assuming the worst)
• not truthful, respectful, clear, direct – in our communications
2. EMOTIONS (Es)
• S-H (feeling bad about ourselves)
• being emotionally numb
• being too easily hurt
• idealizing anyone
• being paranoid in everyday situations
• raging at small or non-existent slights
• always feeling left out, unacceptable,
• magical thinking, grandiosity,
• not emotionally honest open with loved ones
• being impatient with process
• having any sort of tantrum, break-down,
• long-term depression, feeling suicidal, panic attacks, constant anxiety
3. ACTIONS (As)
• S-H is not taking good care of ourselves
• having unprotected sex
• dating or marrying emotionally unavailable, actively addicted &/or physically dangerous people
• doing anything dangerous with little or no training or preparation
• regularly being late
• not doing a good job at work
• staying too long in any inappropriate situation
• trying to ‘fix’ others
• making things harder than they have to be
• not getting help when we need it
To HEAL & GROW, the WIC has to turn over it’s executive Powers to the “UNIT” (H.A. & L.P.) in order to finally get taken care of – correctly.
But the only way our WIC will let go of its role as “Little Adult” is for us to prove ourselves trustworthy, dependable & loving – show that we’re willing to take care of ourselves by being capable & consistent.
❧ With enough healing we can be relatively free of our addiction to the harmful patterns of our upbringing, even tho it’s never going to be complete. Then we will have nothing to rebel against or slavishly copy. We can CHOOSE who we want to be & what we want to do! AND – because genetics plays a part in our True Identity – along with our training – what we choose to be or do may in some ways be similar to our background BUT based on self-esteem, natural talents & fulfilling our human rights!
NEXT: Abandonment Pain, Now #1