YES, I WAS HURT BY MY FAMILY,
but they were hurting too, poor things!
PREVIOUS: Results of abuse – #2
REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.
1. GENERALLY: This is a commonly used phrase – in & out of Program – mainly in the service of the speaker’s denial!
You may at first think this post is harsh or unfair, BUT please remember that everything our parents were – WE internalized into our Negative Introject. As long as we deny how harmful their actions were toward us – we will continue doing the same to ourselves, mistreat others AND let others mistreat us in many of the same ways! ( Self-hate’).
How is this phrase usually meant? That that no matter how cruelly, crazily…. our family may have continually acted, to each other & us, even to this day – it was the ‘best’ they could manage. It implies that they :
• used all possible resources to cope
• could NOT have done any better
• meant well, even if they didn’t show it
• really tried, in spite of falling short
• didn’t have any other options …etc.
In most of our families NONE of these are true – OR if true in part, it was a very small part – not enough to help us as kids!
a. THEM: This phrase is usually said by adults, about their parents – but only by people who had painful childhoods! You won’t hear a happy, well-adjusted person needing to even think this, much less say it!
The BEST they could? If our parents were verbally cold, cruel & insensitive, narcissistic, neglectful, not comforting, controlling, drunk, demanding, abusive, addicts, raging…. That was the BEST they could Do? Really?
NO. The most we could say is that they:
• did what was done to them. Yes, but they never bothered to change. One mother, when confronted, kept saying – “But there weren’t any books about this stuff when you were little”! Except the daughter knew mom never bothered with anything deep, ever. She only read ‘Readers Digest” & watched soap operas! And there were some books, & people she could have asked to help. But she ‘was never wrong’!
• did what any addict would (not just alcohol, but also food, shopping, raging, gambling, exercise, TV, sports, religion…) – everything possible to not deal with their responsibilities & emotions
• chose the ‘easiest way out’, just didn’t care enough to bother, or were self-righteous about their parenting style (“Spare the rod, spoil the child”) – anything to not take to look at themselves & the effect they had on their children & others
• refused to get whatever help that was available to them (for expl, AA & Al-Anon have been around for over 50 yrs). One mother admitted she wouldn’t be caught dead going to a therapist. Another was begged repeatedly by her daughter to go to Al-anon, but always blatantly refused
• were neglectful – some of us had a parent with a genuine mental illness – but others in the family denied the problem & did little or nothing to seek out solutions, if not for the sick adult, then at least for us kids
EXP: More than one CoA was left alone for years to deal with a drunk, suicidal or psychotic parent
b. US: On the surface, when ACoAs say this phrase we mean the ‘General’ qualities listed above (from denial). Under that, we’re really saying that we :
• can’t afford, emotionally & mentally, to admit how badly we were treated
• still believe we caused or deserved the terrible things they did / didn’t do
• “understand” why they acted that way, intellectually – so we don’t have to FEEL the hurt, sadness, frustration, rage, disappointment….
—–> And here’s the kicker: we’re saying that – since they did the best they could – we can’t possibly be angry at them! Saying that we forgive them is actually our way of exonerate them. OK, so what’s wrong with that? Yes, it is the ultimate goal of mental health to let go of our anger, detach with love – or indifference, to forgive, outgrow our need for them… BUT…… (Post #2)
(posts on Forgiveness: “Letting go of…..part
NEXT: “They did the best they could” (Part 2)