THEY JUST WANT TO HURT ME
– & I hate everyone!
PREVIOUS: Part 1a & b: ‘It’s All ME‘
2. CONCLUSIONS (Our THINKING) cont.
b. IT’S ALL THEM – (Perpetrator)
THEY are crazy, mean, unfair, stupid, stupid, stupid!
➼ The core emotion is ANGER
Perpetrators: the alternate style of ‘CONCLUSIONS’ is expressed by the overtly rageful ACoAs who can’t bear to take any responsibility for our T.E.A.s! We genuinely believe all our troubles are other people’s fault – no matter how small or unimportant the situation – & not just occasionally, as everyone feels sometimes, but as our life-pattern! Perpetrators attack anything & anyone we think has hurt us, whether real or not.
Carl is having a bad week. His computer isn’t working right & he can’t figure it out. He gets an unexpected bill in the mail & there’s no hot water. He goes out to interview for a gig & the club owner never shows, & to top it off, someone cuts him off on the road. He’s in a rage! He storms around, yelling at anyone who gets in his way. He’s so upset that he drives too fast & almost gets in an accident! “That @%!! incompetent ÂØˆÒÏ! I can’t believe the stupidity! They shouldn’t be allowed to live”…
• These ACoAs use the defense of blaming all our pain on others. This in not to say we should be blaming ourselves, like ACoAs in the previous post. This approach to life is as narcissistic as the victim’s. The belief is the same – “Everything is about me” – but from opposite poles.
Both types are convinced they are the butt of a cosmic joke: that the universe is the cause of their suffering, dedicated to preventing them from being happy or getting their most fundamental needs met – to be loved & feel safe.
• But while the overtly fearful ACoAs believe they have caused this tragedy, the obviously angry ones feel victimized & totally blameless. The perpetrators’ general attitude is: Nothing is my fault or responsibility! Nothing matters but MY needs, opinions & feelings! Everything & everyone is doing / not doing – something – TO me. Everyone (but me) is stupid! So, every delay, disappointment, flaw, mistake… from others, is considered disrespectful & a personal affront. So they step on others & barely notice.
▶ A negative approach (T) to painful EVENTS
PARANOIA: many ACoAs have at least some tendency to be paranoid (although most not clinically). Just like we have a PP camera over our shoulder, always judging ourselves, we also constantly scan the world for danger (mostly unconscious), assuming that everyone is a potential monster – ie. everyone will definitely abandon / harm us sooner or later! We apply this rule even to situations that are neutral or NOT about US. True paranoids (PPD) do see danger where there is none at all. But most ACoAs with a touch of it can still correctly identify real events – it’s just that our CONCLUSIONS are likely to be off (CDs) – but not always.
• Paranoia, even in relatively mild form, comes from legitimately feeling endangered much of the time growing up. That’s not being crazy, because unfortunately most of the danger did come from our own family! It has left us constantly terrified, but we don’t want to admit how deeply vulnerable we feel. If our family wasn’t safe, how much less so are strangers? With such a background & our symbiotic attachment to our parents, we project that original danger onto the whole world, regardless of present reality
✶✶ The awful irony is that while we believe we’re trying to sidestep all those hidden land mines in our world, paranoia actually draws us mainly to those people, places & things which we either experience as harmful, or that actually are! OR we project danger onto safe or irrelevant ones. We are then reproducing – and adding to – the original abandonment we so desperately want to avoid!
•We (unconsciously) reject genuinely neutral or beneficial people & opportunities! Yes – deliberately, because we are not only repeating what is familiar, we’re also looking to validate the ‘rightness’ of our family, so we don’t have to face the pain of who they really were
Paranoid twisted thinking about anything POSITIVE says :
• it was just a fluke, an accident, a coincidence
• people don’t really mean the nice thing they say – they’re being polite
• she/he is only saying that because she/he wants something
• it can’t possibly last, so why bother trying it out
• it’ll be taken away, anyway & then I’ll feel even worse than before
• good things don’t even register: “What compliment? I didn’t notice” …
CDs cancel out the very things in our environment we’ve always longed for and that would nurture & heal us, if we took them in! Some CDs used: ‘Awful-izing’, ‘Maximizing’, ‘Unrealistic Comparisons’, ‘Mind Reading’, ‘Jumping to Conclusions’…
NEXT: ACoA CONCLUSIONS re. Events (2b)