I GET IT –
this has little or nothing to do with ME!
PREVIOUS: Positive Responses – re events
REVIEW: Part 1: Events + Large Chart
2. EMOTIONS ‘Square’
Healthy ACoAs are not afraid to feel, own & deal with our emotions. Es are a vital part of our self-protection & self-correcting mechanism, built-in to our brain (the limbic system). It doesn’t matter which ego state the emotions come from – they’re all part of us. As we learn to identify ‘who’s’ saying and feeling what – we can respond to our internal cues more accurately.
a. From the WIC (adapted child)
• these emotions will be left-over from our difficult childhood – terror, self-hate, rage, hopelessness, profound existential loneliness, abandonment, even feeling suicidal, all of which are based on actual experiences, PLUS internalizing those of our parents
b. From the Negative Introject
• all of the above, from their background, as well as their feelings towards us, including indifference, impatience, disgust, neediness, desperation, fear of abandonment…… emotions which we have internalized & continue to carry – until we ‘clean them out’. We have to face our pain, but the thoughts & feelings of our parents MUST be given back to them! via repeated visualizations & statements
• “Dad, I love you but I can’t save you from mom’s cruelty. I tried to ease your pain, even taking on your covert suicidal feelings, but never could fix you. You chose her & stayed with her – it’s your marriage. You’re not my mate, so I give you back to her!”
• “Mom, I’ve been carrying your fear, helplessness & unfelt rage all these years, thinking it would help lift your burden. I feel bad that you’ve been suffering, but I know now it was an impossible task & not mine to deal with anyway. I’ve rolled up all your pain in a big black ball & now I give it back to you. I have enough of my own to be healed!”
c. From the Healthy Child
• Our natural self, whether we were born an Introvert or Extrovert, a combination of – joy, love, curiosity, amazement, amusement, trust, excitement, shyness, disappointment … and greed, need, naiveté, stubbornness, fear, anger, selfishness, envy…. (PAC characteristics)
d. From the Loving Parent
• This is the missing ego state in all wounded ACoAs & so is the most important to develop, replacing the PP (pig parent / bad voice): love, patience, consistency, tolerance, sense of humor, persistence, faith…..
PS – the Healthy Adult is basically emotion-free – it’s primarily our computer mode, practical, rational & objective
i. I didn’t Cause it
Other people’s reactions to us tells us about who they are
✶✶ Getting this truth in our cells is a core / basic / fundamental / imperative !!! 🙂 requirement for peace of mind! ONLY our co-dependence & narcissism says otherwise.
ii. I can’t Control it
Being controlling is driven by anxiety – the fear of loss (abandonment) & represents the grandiose belief that we have power in powerless situations. (see the Serenity Prayer). We can’t make others do or be what we want, but we can continue working on ourselves.
iii. I can’t Cure it
While some spiritual practices teach that we have all power, over everything – ultimately there are things in this lifetime we cannot cure, whether in ourselves or in others. Focusing on the impossible is a waste of time & takes energy away from the many wonderful things we can accomplish – NOW!
OTHER PEOPLE: HOW others react to us is on them. However, their T.E.A.’s can have something to do with us, directly OR indirectly IF:
i. from Them:
— we accidentally bump up against some longstanding emotional ‘hot button’ in them (we ONLY create buttons in our own physical children)
— we inadvertently remind them of someone in their damaged past
— we don’t go along with their narcissistic needs or expectations
ii. from Us:
— when our unhealed rage &/or neediness pushes others away
— we keep asking unavailable people to be there for us when they can’t
— we generally expect too much of others, including healthy ones
— we say or do something hurtful, disloyal, selfish…. from our damage
• The things WE ARE responsible for need to be worked on in Recovery, especially when we know what hurts someone & use that to ‘get them‘. We have to own all of it – objectively, without self-hate – & be willing to make changes. Any reason people are uncomfortable with us (our repressed rage, our neediness, our unavailability…) will diminish over time as we develop our Healthy Adult & interact with others more & more from that ego state. It’s an ongoing process which definitely works
NEXT: Positive Responses (Thinking)