GET OFF ME!
You’re in my space!
PREVIOUS: B.Distortion (#3)
ACRONYM page for abbrev.
EXP: IMAGINE seeing someone across a room that interests you & they seem open to being approached. You begin walking toward them but something is slowing you down — tightly gripped around your neck & hanging heavily down your back is the invisible body of your whole FoO (or maybe just one parent or certain sibling…) You’re not free to have a one-to-one relationship with anyone, dragging around all that rotting baggage!
Some basic ways we were violated
1. PHYSICAL B. invasions by parents & siblings
As a kid, what belonged to you & could not be violated? Everyone needs their own private space & time to be respected & allowed, if we are to find out who we are & be able to function autonomously as adults. Many of us did not have that opportunity.
Instead we had:
• to sleep in the same room as parents for too long, allowed to sleep in their bed too often….. shared a bedroom with a sibling, forever
• no personal privacy: walked in on in the bathroom, open bedroom door or slept in a common area, mail & diaries being read, listening in on phone conversations, room ransacked ….
• forced enemas, constantly being poked or pulled at, ‘fixed up’….
— others using our clothes & personal items without our permission
— to give a full recitation of everything we did when we were out –etc.
EXP: PARTY LINES – With blurred boundaries, it’s quite common for person (A) in a toxic system to be the ‘communications hub’, who is in charge of hearing the grievances, messages, worries… from one member (B) about another in the family (C). Then (A) is responsible for passing the info on to (C) — instead of B talking directly to C.
a. It makes the ‘hub’ person feel needed, important, in control, able to be in charge or manipulate, be the buffer, above it all….
b. It re-enforces everyone’s lack of good communication skills, fear of confrontation, of speaking our truth, of hurting others’ feelings or getting blow-back, of standing up for ourselves….
2. MENTAL Coercion (a type of ongoing enmeshment)
For ACoAs, even our inner thoughts were invaded, usually by one parent, just like those African army ants! This is bullying, “…. a poisonous form of parenting, compelling children to act or to choose in a particular way” – the adult’s way, never the child’s, with such tactics as:
• criticism or fault-finding • sarcasm, ridicule, making fun of
• threatening or warning of punishment if not quickly obeyed
• logic – trying to totally convince child of parent’s point of view
• arguing to convince child about how wrong they are
• physical or verbal force – shouting, hitting…..
OVERALL RESULT of being bullied: the child will inevitably end up feeling despair, beaten down, out of control, hopeless
• This is more intense form, coming from a rigid, narcissistic* &/or active addicted parent. In the ‘a’ category, the bullies are aware that their victim does not want to comply but they don’t care.
In this ‘b’ form the perpetrator is not even aware that the other – in this case their own child – has a mind or will of his/her own. They’re only interested in total compliance to their own narrow view of reality!
BTW, they treat everyone this way, not just children, if they can get away with it.
• It would never dawn on an over-coercer that their child may legitimately:
— be too young to do or be exactly what the parent wants
— have an inherently different personality with its own set of functional requirements
— have the developmental task of becoming a separate being, which includes disagreeing with the ‘authority’ from time to time
— know something the parent doesn’t. Narcissists think they’re never wrong!
EXP: Mom always said, literally: “I’m perfect” & meant it!
✶ Any difference in taste, needs, opinions, style, way of doing things…. in the child – any sense of self not a carbon copy of the egotist – is labeled defiance, disobedience, arrogance, stubbornness…. so the child is constantly punished for not conforming to someone elses personality! & will eventually become totally brainwashed or violently defiant.
PART 2: More Boundary Invasions