so nobody can be upset with me!


SITE: Communication Styles & Roles


4. DISTRACTERS (a Twisted form of Spontaneity)
• 0.5% of people will typically use this defense
• at first they seem like a lot of fun, but gradually one notices that everything they do is not quite relevant, not quite to the point
• can come across with a ‘who cares’ attitude, are hungry for attention & deflect responsibility from themselves, other people & situations
• can be silly to talk to, funny or confusing, the way young kids act or when people flirt, so are not taken seriously

• distract themselves & others from painful emotions & events by getting attention, being funny &/or a pain in the butt
• use a range of emotions from anger to guilt to either avoid an issue or manipulate how others feel
• when talking they use generalizations, leave out important facts & never get to the point, shift focus unpredictably from present to past, reality to fantasy, physical to mental issues

• become easily confused when stressed, don’t know what to do, so grasp at straws instead of doing something positive
• react to any kind of threat by going off on a tangent, investing all their energy in side-tracking, hoping it’ll go away if they tap-dance long enough
• under pressure, they cycle thru the other 3 types of roles to look for some relief – one minute they’re blaming someone for being rude, the next they Placate & then jump into Computer mode & shut downconfused

• hard for them to stay focused, what they say or do is un-related to what’s actually going on, they ignore Qs, respond by changing the subject or ask a Q that’s off-topic — Others may react by saying: “What has that got to do with what I’ve just said?”
• use many ways to be distracting, hoping to make a problem go away – humor, change the subject, stop listening, pick fluff off a jacket, make ‘deep’ statements, throw objects, tap pencils….

Energetic Description (by Dr. Bulbrook)
• block out the self, others & their context, so the flow of energy is irrational & the circuitry is not wired up properly – not grounded.  Not connect spiritually
Potential harmful impact on receiver: they give up trying to relate, can’t have stable or a positive exchange of energy in the relationship. Can get tapped into trying to make it ‘all better’

Statements: “If I break up their concentration, I’ll be safe”
“If I ignore it, it’ll go away” , ”Why don’t we just put that aside now and look at something else” ,  “Du-du, du-du, du-du….. the Martians are coming!” (Earth to Mary?!)
Stance: use kinchange directionesthetic cues
• asymmetrical position, one hand up, one down, head cocked, maybe standing on one leg or leaning against the wall
• body in motion, tilting a little at various angles, uneven ‘balance’
• smiling wryly, one eyebrow raised, implying “see if you can top this!”
• takes on body posture of the other 3 types when switching modes

Gain Power: by successfully diverting everyone’s attention from unpleasantness
Aim: to evoke a longing for fun, so that they will be tolerated
Reacting to a Distracter: (via NLP) You can use the Computer stance until they switch, then recalibrate to Placater or Blamer. Be careful: the super reasonable attitude can also trigger a stronger Distracter response in them

Reality: • they just want to evade any confrontation
• role may seem to be a relief from stress but actually leaves them feeling lonely & without meaning or purpose
• are convinced that nobody really wants them
• don’t believe they would be heard or respected if they said what they really thought & felt

Negative:  • the pattern actually serves to create conflict
• role may seem to be a relief from stress but actually leaves them feeling lonely & useless
• their behaviors are inappropriate to serious situations, making people change their focus, so confuses & annoys others who can’t understand what the Distracter is getting at, & therefore don’t know how to respondfun

Positive: • great for flirting and having fun
• can be a powerful strategy in negotiation, if the other party is playing hardball, because there’s a sense of unpredictability in the stance, as if one is ready to pounce on the object of ones desire



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