ACoAs Getting Controlled (Part 2)


door mat 

I FOLLOW ALL THE RULES
why am I still being walked on?

PREVIOUS: Being Controlled (Part 1)

READING: Dealing with Manipulative people – from “In Sheep’s Clothing”


The PROGRAMMING to be controlled is MAINTAINED BY
:
1. Toxic Family RULES
• “Don’t think for yourself” , “You’re stupid & will never amount to anything”…. which taught us to believe that others are more qualified to tell us what to do & how to be
• “If you don’t like it you have to stay”, “You’re always supposed to suffer”….  insures that we do not have permission to object or leave

• “You can never be comforted when in pain” , “Joy, contentment & peace are not an option for you”… keeps us from finding & staying in comfortable, nourishing relationships or environments
• “Other people’s needs & feelings are always more important than yours” , “I have no rights” …. makes us afraid to say what we do or don’t want / will tolerate – lest we hurt someone’s feelings or make them angry at us

• “Do as I say, not as I do” , “Children should be seen & not heard”… trained us to obey authority, no matter how stupid or cruel
• “Be loyal to the family, even if they’re crazy, hurtful, neglectful or sadistic” , “Never, ever hold anyone else accountable for their bad behavior” (especially ‘authority’)… insures that we cling to anyone who treats us as badly as our family, because no one else would want usself-demons

• “You deserve to be punished severely for bad things that others do to you (because it’s your fault)” allows the controller to reinforce our victim status & keeps us from questioning the validity of their behavior
• And of course – our Self-Hate (our WIC’s extension of the PP) tells us we’re not worthy of consideration in any way, even when we don’t like how we’re being treated – SO “Don’t Talk, Don’t Feel, Don’t Think” about the abusive nature of being controlled!

2. ADULT EXPERIENCES
We let others control us as long as we do not develop a strong Healthy Adult /Parent UNIT to be responsible for leading our Inner Tribe, leaving the job to the WIC & PP. We give in to others because of:
Abandonment (FoA) – afraid someone is going to leave us (a lover) or take something important away (a job), we act the Victim, trying to twist ourselves into whatever is demanded of us
Blanking out – ‘leaving our body‘, which shuts our mind off temporarily & makes us not present at all, so we can’t think or talk – allowing others to push their way into our thoughts & actions, & take over

Co-Dependence – we’re looking for others to tell us who we are, to know how to earn their love by trying to be what we think they want
Hopelessness – ‘learned helplessness’ is the outcome of trauma, so we learned to not even try, even when circumstances are more in our favor
Ignorance: not knowing what words to actually say to protect & defend ourselves, or push someone away when appropriate
Immaturity – we think when others control us it’s an expression of their love, & we don’t want to be in charge of our own lifealone

Loneliness – that desperate inner emptiness which is actually a left-over from childhood, and in the present is the result of not having a Loving Parent to be nurturing, which would heal the WIC
Naiveté – not realizing (or not wanting to know) how selfish, narcissistic & unscrupulous some people are, wanting to believe everyone has good intentions or is just doing their best!
Narcissism (ours) – whereby we thoroughly believe that everything others do, say, think or feel – is about us. Very little is!

Perfectionism – we try to be all things to all people to make up for feeling unloved as a child, and to guarantee everyone’s approval
Sensitivity – we are highly attuned to other people’s emotional distress, which we not only absorb (when we don’t have good Bs) but then try to fix, instead of healing our own
S-H – a sense of unworthiness so deep that we’ll let anyone do anything they want to us
Unable – thinking we don’t know how or can’t do anything, so let others tells us what to do

3. General NEGATIVE STATE
a. Experiencing Bondage / losing independence
Accept unwanted situations, be tied down against our will, addicted & enslaves, submit to another, be obsess, be controlled

b. Focusing on the Material / only aware of the physical
Caught up in appearances, getting & spending, over-indulge the senses, forget the spiritual

c. Staying in Ignorance / being unawarehopeless
Operate within a narrow range, choose to stay in the dark, be taken in by appearances, experience limitations, fear the unknown

d. Feeling Hopeless / lacking faith
Believe the worst, see the ‘cold world’, think negatively, despair, doubt, foresee a bleak future  (More…..)

NEXT: Getting Controlled (Part 3)

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