ACoAs Getting Controlled (Part 3)


drowning 

I CAN’T SEEM TO SURFACE
& it’s all your fault!

PREVIOUS: Getting controlled (Part 2)

SITE: 9 Ways We Set Ourselves Up To Be Controlled in Relationships

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

WHO (or what) do we LET Control US?
Controlling patterns are the same as Emotional Abuse.  All but one of these groups can influence us positively OR negatively. It’s up to us to know what suits us best & stick to it!  However this list refers to the way our negative relation to each can controls us:
INNER DAMAGE – everything this blog covers
Also “Bitchlifestyle” blog : Who Controls You, Your Bitch or Your Brat?
PARENTS – wanting their love & approval at any expense, we often twist ourselves into distorted versions of our True Self – & still never please them or get what we need from them

PARTNERS – our fantasy beliefs about what a good relationship or marriage is supposed to be (especially for women – to be the ‘giver’) makes us into servants or slaves
CHILDREN – expressing our love for them can go too far, being afraid to set boundaries or teach them discipline can let them take advantage
PEERS / FRIENDS – trying to keep up with or out-do them, keep their approval, get their admiration, be in the ‘IN’ group….

JOBs/ Bosses – expectation, demands … especially the unreasonable one that we think have to be fulfilled. After all, aren’t we used to doing the impossible – or at least trying like crazy?
NEMESES – (people we’re jealous of or in competition with) – we can do many foolish or self-defeating things to stay ahead of them or keep them from winning over us, whether the ‘prize’ is important to us or not. We become obsessed, over-work, cheat, connive, worry… just to shore up our weak ego

ENEMIESA) people who hate us for their own reasons. We didn’t cause it, but we can end up expending way too much time, energy & money trying to win them over or placating them, instead of leaving them alone, praying for them or being neutral -OR-
B) those we hate – & that hatred eats us up year after year – wasting time trying to get even, obsessing about telling them off (but never do), or actually putting nasty plans into motion

HEROES – they’re usually one-dimensional because we don’t know the real person, & we put them on pedestals – so they’re not fully human. We think that we could / should be like them, but it’s not automatically true that because they can do or be something, that we can too.  And even if we can follow their lead in some way, we may not be able to for many years, or it may be a lot harder that we thought, or we may not have the same resources…. which can leave us discouraged & self-hating. We have to be realistic, without giving up, working toward goals that fit who we are!Sphone fatigue

You’re being controlled (or O-C) WHEN you STAY:
on the phone or sit with someone you want to get away from
• in any location or event you’d rather not be (or hate)
• in any relationship, job, home…. way too long
• with someone – when you’d rather be alone, need to rest, or be doing something else, and/or
WHEN YOU:
• buy or eat things the other person wants you to, but you don’t like
• spend a lot of your time worrying about someone else
• try to be something you’re not, or do things others want – out of guilt
• keep believing a proven liar; keep depending on someone who is continually unreliable
• keep going out with mates or friends who are totally focused on themselves, never on youbad date
• go out with someone because they want you to, or from loneliness
• let other invade your boundaries or say mean things, without objecting
• endlessly listen to someone’s dumping, in too much pain, demanding, needy, abusive – just using you….
• pay for things only to please another (not from love but from FoA)
• take care of very damaged people who need much more help than you can give them, because it makes you feel ‘important’, needed, less worthless….
• feel sorry for others instead of yourself

You’re with a Controller (C.) in any relationship – IF YOU:
BEHAVIORAL
• firmly state a boundary about something, & the C. ignores it completely
• are given the ‘silent-treatment’ as punishment
• feel like you’re running a loosing race, because you’ve been deliberately isolated by the C. to make you only be, do & think the way they want
• have lost friends because the C. complained about or refused to let you see them
• friends or family see a change in you when you are with the C.
EMOTIONAL
• feel depressed & physically drained much of the time
• feel suffocated by the C being needy, over-protective or intrusive
• feel ‘less than’, ignorant, belittled or hopeless when you’re with the C.depressed
• eventually ‘shut down’ and ‘give in’ rather than insist on your point of view being heard and taken seriously
• hide or run away from problems with the C. because you feel too weak to confront & stand up to them
• end up feeling guilty all the time but don’t know why
✶ are being told by the C. that what you’re feeling – anger, fear, frustration – are from your ‘issues’, that you’re causing it, you’re over-reacting…. (denying what they ARE doing!)

MENTAL
• always second-guess yourself, because you’re actually being criticized, undermined or corrected
• worry about the C’s reaction before you make a decision
• tend to ‘go along with things’ to avoid conflicts with the C
• are accused of being boring now because : “You used to be so much fun, more interesting & outgoing…. you just follow whatever I say”
✶ are often told that the C. is not ‘doing anything to you’, but rather that you are choosing to do or be what the C. wants! (Cs take NO responsibility for their manipulations!)
SPIRITUAL
• feel you’ve lost your vision & are willing to compromise your values to try to please them
• are constantly judged & accused of being bad, using a spiritual or religious dogma as ‘proof’

NEXT: Responding to Controllers

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5 thoughts on “ACoAs Getting Controlled (Part 3)

  1. Thank you for these posts during the holidays, they are very timely. An emotion I experience when I have found myself around a “C” person too long is a numb, depersonalized feeling. I often feel that when I try to stand up for myself I feel I need to do it in a “perfect” way. This has caused me to capitulate in the past. I’m working on realizing that standing up for myself is a new skill for me and like any new skill won’t be perfect, in fact doesn’t have to be perfect.

    • Awareness is great – it motivates us to change. But I think ‘perfect’ should be used very sparingly, & never applied to ourselves, since humans cannot be perfect. Next 2 posts will be about how to respond to Cs!

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