LOOK AT ME!
See how important I am!
PREVIOUS: Acting controlling – # 1
REVIEW: The 5 LOVE Languages
REMINDER: Use Acronyms Page for abbrev.
LOVE vs. Control
Genuine love is concerned with the welfare of others, especially the ones we have a personal connection to, while control is all about us – what we can get, how we can change someone, how we can feel better….
Expl: A woman married a genuinely good man, who allows her to be herself. She knows he loves her but it doesn’t fe-e-el right – for the very reason that he’s not controlling, the way her family was. The connection between love & control was wired into her emotional brain during childhood & is the image of how relationships are supposed to be. Her WIC says “He doesn’t tell me what to do, so he must not care!” Fortunately her Adult self knows better.
Beliefs of people who use Emotional Power over others:
• My feelings come first. I need to convert everyone to my way
• I’ll always have to pay an emotional price if I open myself up to others, so I keep them at an arm’s length
• If I’m open to their point of view they’ll try to mislead me
• I have to make them see things my way or they’ll have an edge over me
• Because everyone is out to take advantage of everyone else (me), the best defense is a good offense
• Dump on them before they dump on you
• Take control of them before they take control of you
• If you keep them busy enough they’ll ignore you
• There’s only one way for people in your life to think & feel – your way
• It doesn’t matter how they feel or react, as long as you keep emotional control over them
P.M.E.S. WAYS to control / manipulate others
Physically : use intimidating or guilt-making body language (a fist, a pout), threaten harm or actively hurt someone
Mentally (negative communications): name-call, be critical & discouraging, use guilt, create unfair obligations ….
Emotionally : pull on someone’s heart stings (cry) or be volatile (rage) – to get one’s way or to punish; also emotional blackmail – threaten abandonment if someone doesn’t do what they want
Spiritually : promoting false visions, such as ‘the end of the world will be on X date’; false prophets & cult leaders, doomsday literature; also anything which diminishes the human spirit
• Greedy – insist others provide us with things we need in the world, even if we know how to but are afraid to try, can’t ask for directly, don’t have permission …. OR we don’t know how to provide for ourselves and don’t want to learn, so we can be taken care of – finally!
• Manipulative – we try to coerce other people into becoming Good Parent substitutes, instead of developing our own ‘UNIT’
• Over-giving – because you’re love-buying, compensating for being in a rage at them or for feeling unworthy unless you pay for love / respect
• Powerless – we may take advantage of someone who is needy or ‘easy’, to make up for being helpless as kids, & as adults, to feel one-up
• Rigid – have a hard time with negotiation & compromise, and they can’t stand imperfection
• Self-Pitying – constant whining about how your life is so hard, you can’t do anything right, people are unfair & mean – trying to force others to be with you in your misery (bring them down, so you have company)
• Sickly – sick, needy, playing dumb… to make people feel sorry for you
• Stubborn – mental & emotional walls used as a substitute for having real boundaries
• Superior – an over-inflated sense of your own importance, being detached & above everyone, being a know-it-all — makes others feel stupid, vulnerable, insecure & worthless
• Values – C. is sometimes justified by claiming it’s simply wanting to do things the right way, having high standards, being helpful & caring…
• Victim – constantly: asking to be approved of, saying you’re sorry, asking for permission to do anything… (makes people feel they have to take care of you)
NEXT: ACTING Controlling, Part 2