Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 1)


without arranging everything!

PREVIOUS: Acting Controlling (Part 3)

SITE: Freedom & Control

REMINDER: Use Acronyms Page for abbrev.

STOP Controlling
To change this dysfunctional pattern takes Willingness, Perseverance & Courage!  We have to be ready to look at ourselves without intense judgement & S-H, or we’re not going to own the C. behaviors.
The OLD Way: Being C. is to function on the assumption that feeling safe in the world is totally up to us by arranging everything OUR way, all the time.
But, the very act of Controlling is a betrayal the True Self, so we keep shutting ourselves off from healing our wounds & loving connections with others, because of the fear & rage we carry from the WIC & PP.

Ironically, being a control freak never seems to include changing oneself! And, the Negative Introject will keep trying to deceive us, saying that the only way to proceed is to completely control every tiny detail of how and when things should happen, and/or others should act.  It will continually torture our thoughts, making us believe we’re not good enough or doing it right, so the IT doesn’t lose its power over us

• Being Controlling is NOT the same as having strong opinions. Rather,  it’s a way to ‘force solutions’ by imposing our will on others
• C. (vs. to Being in Control) can be labeled a character defect, but it’s imperative we don’t berate ourselves for it
• It’s a form of grandiosity, a defense mechanism – defending against re-experiencing early vulnerability, powerlessness & daily neglect
• Being C. provides a temporary feeling of being powerful (not at the mercy of anyone!) but like all addictions, has to be constantly repeated, since it doesn’t heal the fear that’s underneathprogress not perfection

• We likely learned our style of controlling from someone in our family
• Letting go of being C. can only be done in stages, & never perfectly!
• As the WIC heals & we strengthen our ‘Unit’, the need for it will diminish in intensity, but may never completely go away. This has to be accepted – with healthy humility & self-respect (opposite of grandiosity)
• Lessening it requires self-esteem, boundaries, making better choices & letting love in – wherever it may come from!

Condensed from ‘Chakra Healing’: The THIRD CHAKRA
• The Solar Plexus or Personal Power Chakra (energy vortex #3) is located above the navel and below the sternum. It’s ruled by the Sun & emits a yellow light of optimism, renewal & happiness – when free-flowing. The seat of personal power & the will, it generates the mental strength to learn and use gathered information. It forms our sense of True Self, so when this Chakra is open and clear we feel good about ourselves & have the ability to accomplish whatever we set out to do.

shame• When the Chakra is blocked we’re not genuine & we mistrust others. The enemy of this chakra is shame & overbearing authority figures.  It will quickly shut down when children grow up in an abusive, unsafe environment, with constant fear of punishment and age-INappropriate responsibilities. Children are stripped of their personal strength by a parent who is over-controlling, too fearful & full of shame. OR the chakra can be over-energized to the point of making a person too rigid, controlling and fearful. (more…..)  ALSO: “Symptoms & Solutions…”

LETTING GO of Acting Controlling
There are many wise things to be said about ‘Letting Go’, but here are 2 main ones for ACoAs. To grow we need to —

1. Let go of trying to win our parents’ love – if they didn’t /don’t have the capacity, at all. OR not chasing them (or substitutes) for the KIND of nurturing every child needs but was simply not available to us because of their damage, even if they meant well & said they loved us.

2. Let go of the illusion that doing things perfectly will get us that love & approval. All it does is increase our self-hate & fear, because perfection is unattainable AND our family’s mental or emotional health is not – and was never was – in our power to create. People either can love us or not. We can not earn it!

A NEW Way: To be free of the compulsion to Control is to give up on the internal fight, to stop trying to manage everything, to stop trying to please the PP, & stay out of whatever is none of our business!
self-fight✶ This does NOT mean being lazy, withholding or paralyzed.
• Rather – it comes from knowing that even in times of discomfort our inner foundation is built on solid ground – a support system made up of our Loving Inner Parent, the Higher Power & respectful / kind people.
• Being comfortable in our skin means to allow OTHERS to be themselves, & letting many circumstances be – just as they are.  There’s a time to act & a time to be still. This is what the Serenity Prayer is referring to: Change what we can right now, & Accept what we can’t change at all, what’s not yet possible, or is not yet the right time.

NEXT: Letting Go of C. –  Part 2


7 thoughts on “Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 1)

  1. “Practice: Pick one thing you feel a definite need to control, and then DON’T make any effort what-so-ever to exert your will over the situation the next time around. Allow yourself to just watch the external experience unfold completely on its own, without any help from you. As you observe, notice you thoughts & emotions.”

    This made me chuckle in a scared sort of way 😉 I know there are many things I have given up controlling, and that there are still some to go. My response to the above let me know that I am still protecting myself in this area.

    Thank you.


  2. Thanks for the post. This is a good topic.

    I’m struggling mightily with this part of ACA right now. I received a letter from an ex that i didn’t respond to, because I was not sure I should. I’m not sure whether I’m being controlling by not responding or just letting go. Some friends have suggested over the past couple of weeks that I call her, but I’m unsure what thit will bring about.


    • M, Balancing between those 2 opposites is what it’s all about. My questions (to myself) are ‘”What works best for my recovery?” & “How can I best protect my Inner Child in this situation?” Using my gut also helps.

      I was once accused of being passive-aggressive by a soon-to-be-ex-friend because I wouldn’t engage in any further ‘discussions’, I assume because she was feeling abandoned. For me it was about not rehashing old issues & saying things that would hurt her more, but also that I was done with the relationship that had hurt me.


  3. Donna, I’m so glad I found your site! I also write about the harms of excessive control and how to let it go and enjoy the gifts that follow. It is so true, as you say, that being controlling is a betrayal of oneself. When we focus intently on trying to change or control others, the focus is necessarily off ourselves and what we need to do–and change–in order to improve our lives emotionally, spiritually–and even financially. I have found that one of the best ways in which to let go of control is to address and process our fears. When we fear less, we control less. I also agree that it is a gradual process, but one that increases as we experience the benefits of “losing” control.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s