Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 3)


the more power I have!

PREVIOUS: Letting Go of Controlling -#2

Review: “Let Go of Control…Art of Surrender

MAKING CHANGES“What we disown – we can’t change”.
Reminder: You are not responsible to make changes or correct problems which are beyond your competency, power, authority or responsibility – and that ARE the responsibility of another!

Inventory: Consider the following points & write out as much as you can. Do a little for each point, then go back every few days & add more.
• If needed, get trusted healers & friends, mates & your adult-children to make suggestions from their experiences with you. Try not to be defensive. Just write them down & look at them later.
NOTE the situations that crop up over & over, especially if mentioned by several people.testing, testing

STAY AWAKE for ways you act Controlling:
— When it happens    — What sets it off
— How it shows up in your actions
— Who it effected         — How does that make you feel
—  How do they react to you     — How does it affect them

Acknowledge that you are controlling, & identify the causes – that ‘made’ you controlling – (see ‘Controlling & Abandonment posts). Consider which causes:  • you’ve already been working on
• you are willing to tackle, & what you can do to change how you act
• you have to put on the shelf until you’re more healed
Make a list of:list of needs
• all your unmet needs & work toward filling them
• develop &/or hone your talents & get recognized for them
• gradually feel the backlog of old pain that causes your anxiety
learn the difference between assertiveness & aggression, rage vs anger, humility vs humiliation, controlling vs in control, rescuing vs helping, possible vs impossible, connection vs symbiosis ….

Practice asking for your legitimate needs & desired from others, without demanding or having unrealistic expectations. Know who can meet specific needs & who cannot – or to what degree!

The 3 As & T.E.A.
AWARENESS: Identify your unhealthy attitudes (Ts) towards situations, unrealistic expectations of others & beliefs about how life should be.
Also, life areas that are affected (work, home…) & which are more intense than others (more with spouse, less with friends…)

ACCEPTANCE: Then – write about the experiences growing up that fostered the need to Control, especially the emotions underlying that need (Es).  Consider alternative & opposite attitudes & beliefs (Ts) you can use when life-stressors set off the impulse to C.
✶ Allow as much time as needed to make internal shifts. Acceptance is about staying in the process & not always trying to jump into Action

ACTION: List better ways (As) to behave when feeling the compulsion to be C. & try them out a little at a time. Learn how to communicate with your IC & do it consistently, to comfort & protect (Ts & Es)

Keep these new thoughts & action handy, & in a variety of locations so you can remind yourself (home, car, office, fridge, wallet or purse …)

Practice: Pick one thing you feel a definite need to control, and then DON’T make any effort what-so-ever to exert peacefulyour will over the situation the next time around. Allow yourself to just watch the external experience unfold completely on its own, without any help from you. As you observe, notice you thoughts & emotions.
• You’ll feel shaky at first, as this will most likely bring up fear and anxiety from past trauma. HOLD onto to your WIC, & let it know it’s not in danger.
• Use Bookending with the kid, to prove that most things turn out much better that we anticipate. In this case – observe how things turn out whenever you don’t C. & have little talks with the kid about it each time, so he/she learns that ‘the war is over & we can get out of the bunker’!

From “Losing Control, Finding Serenity” book by Daniel A. Miller
Daily Exercise:
• With respect to your children, listen attentively to them without offering advice. Recognize that they are different from you in the way they think and process things, and accept that your way may not be the right way—for them.
• In your love relationship, lower your expectations of your mate—and of yourself. Focus on what steps you can take to improve your love bond.
• With respect to your creative endeavors, focus on just enjoying the process. Don’t plan or think too much about the outcome. Don’t fret about making “mistakes.” Start a piece with the intention of not completing it, and see what unfolds.
>>Even if you are only partially successful in doing these things, first you may feel disoriented & fearful, but if you persist you’ll find that letting go of control brings you freedom & contentment! (Read more….)

NEXT: Types of Self-Control – #1


2 thoughts on “Letting GO of ACTING Controlling (Part 3)

  1. Hi Donna, I like how you so clearly and concisely explain how we can pinpoint our controlling patterns and the impact it has on our lives and others. Accepting that we are too controlling is often not easy because we look for convenient justifications. When I’m too controlling these days, my children now tell me, “Daddy, you need to read your book!”

    I appreciate your acknowledging my book.



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