I’M MOST IN CONTROL
when I don’t follow the pack
PREVIOUS: Healthy Control (Part 1)
REVIEW posts: Letting go of being controlling
— To run our own life, rather than someone else’s, & not have someone else run ours
— To make that happen we have to ask: “Who or what motivates me?”
— To be the one in charge requires that we are our own Motivator.
This is not selfishness, but it also does not negate/eliminate :
AA Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over—-” – and –
AA Step 3: “…turn our will & our lives over to the care of God….””
Being IN CONTROL:
• comes from the ‘UNIT’ ego state (Healthy Adult + Loving Parent),
allowing us to be comfortable in our skin. It’s NEVER about being perfect!
• requires a lowered level of anxiety, to not have to hide our True Self
• is based on a healthy ego, to make choices that suit us
• allows us to know what our needs are, permission to get them met, AND find ways to meet as many of our needs as possible, under the realistic circumstances of our specific personality & current life
• is being in charge of our emotions, as well as – when, where & how we express them
• is taking responsibility for our life choices, without self-hate
• requires that our childhood rage level goes down enough so we don’t take our hurt & revenge out on others
• is built on having good boundaries, both in how we treat others & how we ‘let’ others treat us
➼ This is the opposite of being controlling – which comes from the WIC or the PP, & is being fueled by deep & pervasive anxiety (old terror). It’s true that even children in healthier families have limited control over their lives growing up, but sadly, ACoAs had almost none.
The way we tried – & still try – to have some (unhealthy) C. was/is by:
● hiding out, withdrawing, isolating, being invisible
● being a know-it-all, smarter that everyone, showing off….
● withholding, giving the silent treatment, judging, manipulating
● trying to make everything be the way we want, no matter who we hurt
● being rebellious, doing the opposite of what the adults were demanding
… BUT none of these are the real deal.
Healthy Control DOES MEAN WE:
• have self-respect as a Healthy Adult, especially in our thinking
• know our rights, our options & what’s actually possible (not fantasy/illusion)
• use that info to practice setting boundaries, with ourselves & others
• are in present-day reality, including owning our adult abilities, acquired knowledge & useful experiences
• can stay centered & act according to our own mind
• make declarative statements & ask for our needs – in the right place
and WE DON’T:
• have to know everything or solve everything (not be perfect)
• have to be any healthier than we are to have good things in our life
• need to ask for permission to be who we are. Asking permission of someone else is respectful if we’re ‘impinging’ on their rights, or if we need to give them a choice about something
• need to argue – unless it’s really important (don’t have to be right, & don’t have to prove it when we are)
• have to convince others of our point, especially when it’s clear they do not want to hear us. If we push & push to be understood by such people, we just make a fool of ourselves (Article re. being in control, w/ Biblical references)
To IMPROVE self-control, especially in difficult situations, having details about the PPT involved are relevant & important, but when trying to understand or decide on what to or not to do/say – First step back & do a mental OVER-VIEW:
• Pay more attention to the forest instead of focusing on individual trees – consider the ultimate goal or big picture of the situation you’re in
• Look at how your actions fit into an overall framework, as being part of a larger plan or purpose in your life, NOT just a specific instance or action. Don’t just stare at a detail in front of you (“But he said…., they ignored me…..), getting lost in something that bothers you or that may be out-of-place.
EXP: When people are asked what they think something means:
“What is the purpose of Guilt?” // “What is Self-Hate” ….
— the inevitably answer is given as an example of it:
“Feeling bad about something” // “Being hard on oneself”….
— rather than a basic definition, it’s meaning, or what it’s used for.
• An instance of an issue or topic is not its purpose or definition, so it’s faulty thinking (a CD), ➼ AND only focusing on a specific example or instance prevents us from being able to apply the concept to a wide variety of life situations – thus limiting our ability to understand what causes our actions & so to be in charge of them.
Think of a Definition or Purpose as the large category ANIMAL (the Kingdom), rather than just one of its many examples – cat, horse, bird, elephant….(the Species).
Ideas for your ADULT, so YOU can be in charge of your own life
• every morning look in the mirror while washing & teeth-brushing, & think of 5 things you value about yourself – no matter how imperfect!
• be honest, & be true to yourself. Realize you’re important, & never believe or accept anyone saying or implying that you aren’t
• focus on what’s important to you, & put your all into those – rather than into things that aren’t that relevant or worthwhile
• be happy with yourself, focus on what you can change, and ignore what you can’t (either not right now – or ever)
• make the best of the life you have, & changing the things that are harmful & eliminating things that are a waste of time/energy
• when someone is mean to you (action/ words), stick up for yourself, with assertive “I” statements, coming from your Healthy Adult
• always remember your best qualities & skills, what makes you valuable & unique, so you can be your best Self in the moment
• try doing things the way you want to, instead of letting others influence you to do it their way, or distract you from your goals
• organize the important things you need to do each day, & keep a positive (“can-do”) attitude in your work place
• remember to be polite, & look at things as possibilities (WikiHow)
Ultimately, it means:
• being in charge of you WIC – by forming a relationship with him/her, so you are the stronger voice – reasonable, trustworthy and KIND
• AND not letting the PP bully the child into staying in the disease, who will then either rebel or fold.
YOU CAN be in control / in charge of your life.
NEXT: Toxic Rules