Emotional MATURITY – Emotional

maturity 3 

beyond my early training!

PREVIOUS: Emotional Maturity (#1)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

Def: Emotional Maturity (EM) is the result of growing up emotionally, which is expressed in ways that are appropriate to our chronological age. It usually reflects increased adjustment, stability & the self-regulation of our emotions.  Psychological Wiki

QUOTE: “We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another, unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” Anais Nin

VALUE of knowing these characteristics
1. To have an idea of what to work toward for ourselves
2. To acknowledge the healthy qualities we already are developing, based on personal growth, so we can appreciate our progress in Recovery
3. To know what to look for in others* – lovers, mates, friends, family (adults), bosses…..
✶ Many ACoAs say they wouldn’t know a healthy person if they fell over them. WELL – here are some guidelines! Keep a copy in your bag or wallet. Put one up somewhere at home & keep one in the desk at work or on your desktop. It will never be a complete list, but it’s a good start. Add any others you’ve developed or know about.
PS: As we heal our emotional wounds & correct our distorted beliefs, all the other areas of our life gradually improve, which gives us over-all EM.

• We accept ourselves unconditionally, even for the things in ourselves that are incomplete, unattractive or need improving
• We’re in touch with a full range of emotions & not afraid to find out what we’re feeling at any given moment, but don’t have to be taken over or be driven by them
• Comfortable expressing emotions in a healthy way, from Adult ego state
• Put our emotions in perspective, from a balanced internal place rather than in B & W extremes (“If it’s hysterical it’s historical”)soothing hands
• We’ve learned how to manage & cope with pain & hurt, old or new
• Are not overly ‘sensitive’, can have emotions, but not so easily hurt
• Are able to accept & tolerate anxiety & other uncomfortable emotions
• We’ve learned how to manage & cope with pain & hurt, old or new
• Are not overly ‘sensitive’, can have emotions, but not so easily hurt
SITE: Self-Soothing Hand positions Exercises (helps with PTSD)

•  Recognize & appropriately express anger & rage, in a way that leads to growth in others and myself
• Not afraid to feel sadness & cry, as well as explore the reasons for it
• Understand & face guilty feelings (especially when breaking family rules)
• Able to deal with disappointment, so we can be a good loser, handling defeat and disappointment without whining or complaining
• We don’t need to constantly find fault, but also are not idealistic & unrealistic (in denial) about things that are genuinely harmfulforgive
• We’ve mostly outgrown envy and jealousy & can be honestly glad when others enjoy success or good fortune
• We’re comfortable allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable without shame or terror, & can let others see our vulnerable / weak / unsuccessful side, but only in appropriate situations & with safe people

• Accept that some stress is part of life, rather than try to hide from it, but not make up unnecessary difficulties.  Can meet emergencies with poise
• We don’t worry about or try to fix things that are beyond our control
• Don’t need to boast or “show off” in socially unacceptable ways in order to feel important
• Don’t need approval from others to feel good about ourselves
• We have a reasonable amount of patience at reasonable delays, & can keep our self-control in adversity. We know we sometimes have to adjust to other people’s convenience, needs or limitations

• Are willing to admit & capable of working through emotions self-pity
(fear, anger, pain…) of traumatic events in our life (divorce, major illness, death, disasters….) rather than pretending nothing’s wrong
• We don’t indulge in self-pity (“woe is me”) because we understand the law of compensation* operating in all of life.
IMP: Having compassion for ourselves & our misfortunes, which are not of our making, is not the same as self-pity, which only blames others for our pain without taking any responsibility to heal our wounds

*Compensation: All life is about trade-offs – good for bad, & bad for good. Anything that is, or is seen as an equivalent. Something that makes up for the lack or limitation of something else. An amends or rewards for loss or deprivation.
“As there is no worldly gain without some loss, so there is no worldly loss without some gain.
— If thou hast lost thy wealth, thou hast lost some trouble with it
— If thou art degraded from thy honor, thou art likewise freed from the stroke of envy
— If sickness hast blurred thy beauty, it hath delivered thee from pride
Set the allowance against the loss and thou shalt find no loss great.”
English Metaphysical poet Francis Quarles (1592 ~ 1644)

NEXT: Emotional Maturity – Relational, Spiritual


2 thoughts on “Emotional MATURITY – Emotional

  1. certainly like your website but you have to check the spelling on several of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very troublesome to tell the truth nevertheless I’ll certainly come back again.

    • Shelia, Thank you for your patience in spite of my imperfections. Isn’t ‘rife’ a bit overstated? I always use spell check & go over every post 5 – 10 times – but still miss some things. You’re welcome to send me a private note any time it gets to be too much. (See ‘About me’ for that)

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