AND I don’t trust anyone to come thru

PREVIOUS: Traits of Victims. Part 2

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.


(Re. Self)
Re. Abusers

• men & women both have a strong need for relationship to validate themselves (but it’s expressed differently)
• have a deep need to be needed, & gain a sense of worth by care-taking the abuser, being their parent substitute or domestic slave

• live in a fantasy world of “If only __ would do / be….” things would be OK between us
• have the illusion they can do something to fix the P. to make them less unhappy & therefore less dangerous
• consistently compromise their ethics, values & beliefs in favor of the P.
• use the abuser as their Higher Power, but often deny the reality of a Loving God or Benign Universe

social anxiety2. PHYSICAL
Re Self
• subject to very real long-term stress disorders (auto-immune disease, back pain, migraines….), OR psychosomatic complaints (not physically based)
• may exhibit obsessive-compulsive behaviors (pulling out hair, rocking, excessive cleaning…)
• thinks about, plans or attempts suicide, or self-harms (cutting, hitting …)

• has one or more addictions as self-medication (food, sex, drugs, alcohol, exercise….)
• has various phobias (of dirt, of going outside, of being noticed…)
• avoids almost all social interaction OR can’t stand to be alone
• compulsive: gets stuck in a course of action & can’t seem to shift out of it, even when given a good alternative
• start things but never seem to finish anything
• impulsive: doesn’t have self-control, does whatever they feel like at the moment, without thought to options or consequences
• never seem to get it together to leave the abuser (while thinking & talking about it) OR keep leaving BUT always going back


Re. Abusers
• Vs are emotionally dependent on the good-will & validation of others (just like the P), while believing that NO one can love them
• terrified of any form of disapproval, anger or the threat of being lchained to perpeft
deeply loyal to the abuser, even with constant proof that the P. does not deserve it and is never loyal to the V.

– BUT (ironically) —
• — have ‘learned’ that no one is safe & therefore no one is to be trusted
• blame all their problems on others, both the P & non-P. – to not have to be responsible for their own life

Re. Self
• Vs are overwhelmed by S-H, FoA (fear of abandonment) & SHAME
• under it all, are intensely fear-based, so become control-freaks
• driven by guilt (not doing everything right) & shame (not being sin-less)shame
• have a submissive aspect or style of interacting (not the native personality), always feeling inferior to others, even when hidden behind a facade of competence or bravado

• are depressed (overtly or covertly), even numb, &/or visibly nervous, subject to periodic anxiety attacks
• great difficulty expressing anger, tend to internalize it & then act it out in other ways
• convinced they’re incapable of ever being able to love others
• afraid to see any good in themselves, take in compliments or value their accomplishments
• not allowed to be happy, comfortable or comforted

NEXT: Victims #4


One thought on “TRAITS of VICTIMS (Part 3)

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