IT’S HARD FOR ME TO GET
how sick they really are!
PREVIOUS: Traits of Victims #3
Article: LIST of Characteristics
REVIEW: The following are abusers’ PMES personality CHARACTERISTICS – rather than behaviors:
• often have a history of family violence – between the adults, & adults to children, sometimes between siblings
• may be mentally ill, an active addict, usually has some type of mental or emotional disorder, can use chronic physical illness or disability to manipulate everyone or just one significant other
• well-developed self-deception, in denial about their own wounds/ & the effect they have on others, have tightly protected defense mechanisms
• unrealistic expectations of self, others & what relationships are supposed to provide. The P. puts a burden on another person to fulfill needs they didn’t get from their family, instead of healing themselves
• blame others for their problems so they don’t have to be responsible for their actions, or their underlying feeling of vulnerability
• believe in rigid gender roles to keep everyone ‘in their place’
• are loyal to their Toxic family Rules and Roles, needing to convince others of their CDs (cognitive distortions)
Psychological disturbances : narcissistic✶ (see below),
co-dependent, borderline, bipolar, depressive, paranoid….
• get involved too quickly, become ‘instantly’ symbiotic
• addicted to partner, are extreme jealousy & possessive
• mate is not seen as a person in their own right, but as a symbol of a parent or other authority figure, especially when the P. is angry
• very good at deceiving others, may have many other relationships, which are superficial. Can be calm, charming and convincing in public (IMAGE: They take in your love & ‘spit it out’ polluted)
Self-Hate (hidden from most people)
• either need others to keep self-image from collapsing, or they isolate
• full of insecurity, fear & shame, so blame others for their feelings, deny need for help or growth
• hypersensitive to the slightest disrespect or insult, even when it is not intended or there is none
• unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions, (incest, drunkenness, violence…) even in the face of severe consequences
• push away true intimacy (there’s never enough to fill the emotional hole) & can’t believe anyone can be there for them, love them….
✶ Narcissism is not self-esteem – at all – but a condition that includes:
– mental obsession & compulsion (actions) to hide real or imagined flaws
– grandiosity, overestimating their importance, achievements, talents …
– unable to put themselves in someone else’s shoes (empathize), while constantly looking for & demanding attention
– get very angry & feel deep shame when criticized, or if any personal imperfections are pointed out
– manipulate others, especially partners, with blame, guilt, distorted ‘logic’, bribes, threats…. to control them. (It is estimated that 85% of narcissists are male)
• often don’t have a clear moral compass, so are too easily swayed by their own greed, revenge, fear, cowardice…. & easy for the P. to lie, cheat, steal … even if it’s just a little, & secretly
• may not have genuine concern for the suffering of others (rather than people-pleasing or grand-standing). Any ‘generosity’ is self-serving, to make themselves important, needed, look good, cover S-H….
• either use ‘religion’ / spiritual teachings as a way to beat up & control others OR have a weak or non-existent Spiritual belief & practice they can fall back on in hard times, to help them:
— cope with & heal their deep-seated terrors & damage
— to trust that they’re taken care of & safe
— know that all is well & that there’s enough love to go around!
NEXT: Types of Perpetrators #2a