THEY SAY THEY LOVE ME
but I still feel trapped
PREVIOUS: Types of Perps (Part 2b)
SEE ACRONYM Page for abbrev.
Some PERSONALITY TYPES (cont.)
They’re chameleons who can be all things to all people, smart & sneakily manipulative. Have a natural instinct for sensing people who are vulnerable or sensitive, that have low self-esteem, weak emotional and sexual boundaries, are sexually frustrated, lonely, needy, bored, desperate for a relationship, on the rebound, ignored, wounded… so the predator can take advantage.
• If you’re the mark, they’ll watch your eye & body language, & listen carefully to what you say – when you’re not aware. Later they use it to make it seem they magically know you right away – before spending enough time to actually know all of you. They’re a smooth talker with all the right things to say, seemingly with all the same interests as you – so they sound insightful, ‘deep’ & the soul mate you’ve been waiting for.
• To sweep you off your feet they come on fast and strong, create a lot of excitement & fun, while keeping an air of mystery about themselves. They push right away to get every detail of your life & most private info (bank accounts, family connections,….). They move in or wants to get married too quickly, fulfilling your physical, financial, emotional needs, are overly helpful, comforting and understanding – as they take over every aspect of your life by becoming adviser, parent figure, spiritual leader, mentor.
• At first you feel seen, heard, understood, important – but after a while you may realize you’re caught in a web – you’re the slave, the child, the worshiper – but never an equal, never separate.
MENTALLY / EMOTIONALLY ILL
They were taken to counseling as a child with no improvement, and not been helped or changed with adult counseling. They use black and white thinking, are inflexible and have difficulty being spontaneous. Always bring the conversation around to themselves, believe or act as though rules are for everyone except them, engage in daredevil /dangerous behaviors, think they’re special, unique – and should be treated as such
• Are currently being treated for a psychiatric disorder, on any kind of psychiatric medication. Are on disability for a mental condition, have been jailed for illegal or ‘crazy’ behavior &/or hospitalized for emotional problems or life-threatening acts. Are or have been under the supervision of a case manager with community mental-health services. Difficulty keeping a job, relationships, a place to live…. Have been diagnosed with a psychiatric or personality disorder:
a. Dramatic/ erratic: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Passive-aggressive
b. Fearful / anxious: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-compulsive, Paranoid, Schizoid (NOT schizophrenic)
Medical : Active chemical Addictions, Manic-Depression, Schizophrenia, or any illness used as defense, exploit someone or as a stick to keep others in line
May have an unusual relationship (symbiotic, incestuous, co-dependent…) with the mother, father or other parent figure.
• Can’t stand to be without you & pleads, begs, cries, pouts, guilts you into changing your taste, needs & wants or any plans you have without them. Blames you for their vulnerability, while convincing you their neediness IS love. You are their only focus – they have few, if any, close friends or outside interests. Wants constant assurance you still want them, not interested in other partners, & wants promises you won’t reject them. Threatens to hurt themselves if you ever leave, & sometimes does.
• Sees themselves as a victim, has had multiple relationships & other “discouragements” in life. Sets you up to feel sorry for them, & puts themselves down, waiting for you to make them feel good – while never taking that in. Won’t make decisions & is passive aggressive, blaming you if they don’t like your choices for them. You end up feeling suffocated when you’re around them for long.
Verbal abuse, insulting, belittle,. Scream, yell, throw things, hit, beat
Physical: Attempt to control or dominate your life choices, small or large, including dictating your spiritual or religious belief. Raise their voice, yells, or screams, even when carrying on a “normal conversation”
Have a history of assault against other people, harming animals or treated them cruelly, setting destructive fires…Punches walls or throws things when angry, has been suspended from school for fighting, or fired from work for angry outbursts.
Become violent or out of control when using drugs or alcohol. Has previously been sent to substance abuse treatment, but it didn’t ‘take’. Are preoccupied with violent movies, TV, or video games &/or hang around others known to be violent.
Mental : Talk down, criticizes, call you names or uses other kinks belittling language. Refers to their previous partners in negative, demeaning ways. Threatens harm to you & loved ones, including themselves. Idealizes acts of violence and destruction & uses words such as “killed” “smashed” and “kicked” in their everyday language
Emotional: Are frequently irritable & has angry outbursts, like when confronted questioned or corrected. Blame you or others for their unhappiness & rages, have been sent to anger management training as a result of problems with their temper at home, at work or in public
✶ EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE
All of these types (persistent abusers) are emotionally unavailable – to you. Just because they have ‘feelings’, may tell you they love you, need you, cry, rant…. doesn’t mean they are actually capable of being present for you & with you! For that to be real they would have to be reasonably healthy, able to own & feel all their own emotions, without heavy-duty emotional armor (rigid defense mechanism) or some severe (untreated) mental illness.
All these types can be generally divided into Leavers & Stayers.
— Leavers are terrified of real, deep, long-term commitment, emotional & practical. They may be avoiders & isolators, or always need to be ‘with’ someone – so they keep moving to new partners, or if they stick around for any length of time, always have ‘one foot out the door’ emotionally
— Most Stayers, as many of us know, stay attached from Fear of Abandonment, rather than as equals, from self-esteem & free choice. REMEMBER: Wounded Stayers always pick unhealthy Leavers, because of their own (dis-owned) fear of commitment!
NEXT: Partner Abuse