we never seem to get along

PREVIOUS: Traits (2b)

SITE: Lilac Lane’ re. Partner Abuse


Does the person you love hurt you? This list is focused on live-in relationships with a spouse / partner, but you may have witnessed these patterns happening to your parent,  sibling or friend.  These are just some of the ways abusers treat others.  They may be an alcoholic or other kind of addict, mentally ill, having a chronic illness &/or have a severe personality disorder (NPD, rage-aholic, psychopath, paranoid ….) – OR they may seem like the ‘normal’ one & you’re labeled the crazy one. AND just because they don’t mean to hurt you – doesn’t mean it’s not happening!
Since abuse is not gender-specific, h/h (him/her) or an underline is used here to indicate specific perpetrator – so, fill in the initial of yours!

YOU (as victim)
• I feel guilty about ___’s resentments toward me or anyone else
• I’m nervous, anxious or worried about:loss
— ___’s attitudes, moods or anger, even when h/h not around or quiet
— ___’s sarcasm, criticism, frowns, glares, gestures (finger-pointing…)
— setting ___ off or getting the silent treatment
• my relationship is at a cold stand-off (few disagreements, but with a wall between us), but I won’t or can’t leave
• give into h/h controlling because of the constant harassment
• have become extremely dependence on ___
• feel a sense of depression, anxiety & are often or always afraid of ___

HIM /HER (as perpetrator)
•  ___humiliates me as a person in public; flirts with others in front of me
• uses the children to gain control by undermining my parental authority
• refuses to be happy or pleased – with anything, especially about me
• blames me for alalcohol/abusel h/h problems & suffering
• constantly puts me in no-win situations (double binds)
• periodically threatens to kill h/h self & says it will be my fault
• poisons the emotional atmosphere in the home with constant negativity
• is always needy & makes me wait on h/h hand & foot

• know it’s not safe to discuss with ___ what’s bothering me
• edit my thoughts before saying anything, as self-protection
• think that if I just tried harder, things would be alright
• I’m automatically defensive & reactive, even in ‘neutral’ situations
• hide intelligence & information I have, to not threaten ___

• ___ is ‘perfect’, never wrong, knows it all, talks AT me
• ___ is ok one minute & into a tirade the next, over seemingly nothing, or always about the same old things
• teases or ridicules me for lack of specific info, how I express yourself, my vocabulary, accent….verbal abuse
• trivializes, insults or negates any of my accomplishments
• make all major decisions: where to live, furnishing the home, type of car
• constantly berates, belittles & intimidates, under the guise of “helping, guiding, teaching, just giving advice”, undermining my self-esteem
• treats me like a helpless & stupid child (infantalizes), refusing to listen to my ideas or suggestions

YOU (Article: “Being hated, Feeling hated, Overcoming self-hatred“)
• come to believe that nothing I do is good enough, so I constantly second-guess my actions before doing anything
• have to live too much in the moment – can’t plan ahead for fear of
___’s negative response to any of my plans or ideas. Any action I take is criticized unless it’s exactly suits ___’s taste or whim
• get a pain in the pit of my stomach, have headaches, muscles pain, twitches…. that don’t come from physical exertionanxiety
• tense up when I hear the door open, or ___ comes into the room
• I’m accused of being unfaithful, if I just talk to someone of the opposite sex (or same-sex – if applicable)
• feel obligated to have sex, including doing things I’m uncomfortable with – to prove my love, OR just to avoid an argument about it
• when I walk by ___, my shoulders tense until we pass each other
• don’t have the energy to fight back, set boundaries, object to anything

• constantly criticizes my weight, looks, they way I dress…
• isolates me from friends, family or other groups
• has given away, destroyed or thrown away my belongings
• ___ denies or limits my access to work, further education or other growth opportunitiescriticizer
• controls all financial decisions, withholds important financial info
• limit my financial or other material resources ($, food, clothes)
• steals from me, runs up debts & leaves me to handle them
• threatens to harm or get rid of pets
• threatens to harm the children, or leave with the children
• withholds sex as punishment instead of talking openly about something they don’t liked / are mad about

ADD your own experiences!

 NEXT: Abuse of children #1


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