OH NO, I’M AGREEING –
with my Bad Voice (again)
PREVIOUS: Abuse of children
OLD PAIN vs. NEW PAIN
Old Pain (Abandonment) is made up of the daily misery we lived thru as kids, with no way to process or get help dealing with. It accumulated in our body & in our spirit, much of which eventually went underground, into our Shadow (the unconscious).
New Pain (Self-Hate) is the suffering we now do to ourselves & allow✶ others do to us – acting-out our family’s training. This layers gets added on top of old abandonment & the accumulation wears us into the ground.
✶Re. “allow” : Denial makes it hard for us to recognize abuse as it’s happening, so consciously we don’t choose to let others hurt us, but unconsciously we gravitate to the familiar – & then stay!
• So we need to become aware & stay awake for what’s happening to us & around us. Having been exposed to rage, fear, neglect, disrespect, torture …. as kids, ACoAs are both drawn to AND are more deeply affected (badly) by negative people, places & things. It’s like always having an open wound being bumped – it gets more & more injured, keeps hurting AND never has time to heal. We’re hypersensitive to uplifting & deflating energies, & need to stay away from harsh environments even more than ‘normals’ with less damage
EMOTIONALLY ABUSING (E.A.) Ourselves
ACoAs were trained to tolerate abuse in subtle & blatant forms, from earliest childhood. It became our default position. Keeping PMES in mind, most people think of abuse in physical terms, but out WIC suffering emotionally first & foremost. We need to observe how we Victimize ourselves in ways that keep wounding our feelings, to stop torture ourselves unnecessarily!
As adults the most violent source of E.A. is our own inner Pig Parent voice, which generates the relentless negative beliefs & demands we put on ourselves. Many of our difficulties come from our WIC obeying this Introjected part & not wanting to let go of old ways which represent loyalty to our family system. (Monster: “Self-Hate”, expressed in T.E.A. forms)
E.A.: Terror, hopelessness, self-pity, FoA, loneliness, desperation
Again, most of the focus is on the physical results & damage we experienced, & not enough stress is put on the emotional devastation. Addictions are specifically designed & used to repress/ suppress painful memories – to shut up the PP voice, which is torturing the WIC!
E.A.: Shame, coming both from our values/ conscience/ spiritual beliefs, AND from the immature/ harmful/ crazy things addiction ‘make’ us do. They also generate S-H, guilt, hopelessness… & abandonment fear
Going to the wrong people….
…. to share personal issues, secrets or deep pain with. Their worthless or harmful reactions make us feel worse – betrayed, alone, enraged, hopeless, suicidal. The key point here is that we often go to people we already know from experience are not safe, but refuse to acknowledge it! We’ve been disrespected, blown off, controlled, told what to do – before– by these people, (instead of just listening to us & being sympathetic), YET we keep going back!
Our denial of past & present reality has turned into self-abuse! At best these unsafe people are out-to-lunch, at worst they’re assaultive. ACoAs say: “But they’ve been there for me in the past, so I owe them gratitude & loyalty”.
Maybe they were OR or maybe we just thought they were because of our own level of ignorance & denial. But the clues to their real & potential abandonment were always there. Being mentally & emotionally unawares (not our fault) made it easy for us to not recognize other people’s limitations or cruelty.
To quote Toni Morrison (& Oprah) – “When you know better, you do better”
As adults we are responsible for putting ourselves in the positions to be Emotionally Abused by certain people. In essence we’re doing it to ourselves by letting our PP or the WIC keep drawing us back to empty or poisonous ‘wells’ for comfort, guidance & support! Not going to happen!
E.A.: Confused, abandoned, angry, longing, demeaned, depleted
NEXT: Victimizing Ourselves (Part 2)