Relationship FORM A. (Part 1)


discussing 

RELATIONSHIPS ARE SUCH A PAIN!
I’m always dealing with some c—-p!

PREVIOUS:
Healthy Adult / Loving Parent – #3

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


FORM A: “IF I WERE TO LET YOU

ABOUT:
ACoAs did not have good examples, growing up, of how to communicate clearly, directly & honestly.
• We learned to be afraid and ashamed to say what we really mean, how we feel emotionally & what we want or need. So it takes a lot of:
— practice to know what we are thinking, by listening to ourselves & writing down our inner reactions to every aspect of our life
— courage to admit & be able to verbalize our emotions, not just a few, like anxiety or annoyance, but a whole range of feelings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF I WERE TO LET YOU  (As)  ___________________________
I WOULD FEEL (Es) _________________________________
& I’M AFRAID of THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE (Ts) ____________
_______________________________________________
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM_____________________________
BY (As & words) ____________________________________
even thought I’ll still end up angry & resentful (Es),  because that’s
LESS SCARY than having to experience or:
a. FEEL (Es) _______________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH (As & Ts) _____________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHO
• You’ll need to know about T.E.A. – what your thoughts, emotions & actions are, to fill it in accurately. This is NOT about blame!Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 4.10.17 AM
• For it to be the most helpful, both people must be able & willing to be emotionally & mentally honest – which is not always possible
• IF YOU are dealing with someone who is emotionally closed off, hostile, defensive &/or uninterested – you may still choose to show them the filled-in form, but be clear that you will NOT get what you want

WHAT: This is a standard form for 2 people in any kind of personal relationship – friends, lovers, mates, siblings… A starting point, only!
• ✶ It is specifically about a possible/ probable future action of the person you’re dealing with – and your reaction to that possibility
• It does not offer a correction, or shift in perspective, or a recovery way of responding. That has to be added
• Part 1 & 2 give examples of how to use it.  Keep several blank copies handy, for when one of you is bugged about something

EXP 1:
IF I WERE TO LET YOU – go to the party without me
I WOULD FEEL – lost & alone
I’M AFRAID OF THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE – you’ll find someone else who’ll be more interesting & attractive to you
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM – going
BY – making you feel guilty / starting a fight / whining / getting sick ….
EVEN THO’ I END UP FEELING guilty & selfish, because that would be LESS SCARY than having to FEEL – unwanted
& DEAL WITH –  the possibility of loosing you, which feels unbearable

THEN: Once you’ve filled it out you will want the other person to read & respond. However, that may not always happen. If you’re with someone who is unwilling to cooperate, that is a clear signal for you to evaluate the relationship.
However, if the other person has read it, wait to see what the response is. It may not be a new problem between you.Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 3.52.24 AM

DO THEY?:
— respond thoughtfully, kindly – without being defensive
— insult, belittle, yell, justify
— try to placate you from people-pleasing
— decide to stay home so you won’t be mad at them? …..

WAYS to COPE, no matter the outcome
Re. YOU:
• Take a moment out for yourself –  Give the kid a hug & say: “You’ll be OK, I’m here, you’re never alone.”
• Consider if you scary thinking about what might happen is valid or not.  Are you ‘catastrophizing’, or basing it on experience & intuition?  If it’s simply your WIC reacting again, take the time to deal with him/her in a loving way.
• If you need help, call someone else (appropriate) to share your distress with, rather than creating drama. Go to a Meeting. Read some comforting or spiritual material to help with the FoA. Go to a movie or to a friend’s place.

Re THEM:
• If you can , acknowledge to the other person your FoA (fear of abandonment) & simply state that you will feel sad & alone if they go without you. They may not be able or willing to take you along, no matter how you feel. That is their right.
• If you are invited – but NOT our of co-dependence or guilt, then go & enjoy. If not, make an alternate plan, to do something you’ll like, on your own or with friends. Always have plan B

• IF you know you’re not just being jealous, & your concern is based on
— past experience or things the other person has said (threaten to leave, insensitive to your feelings…)Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 4.03.34 AM
— you’ve had a nagging feeling or the ‘ich’ factor about them for a while, but you’ve been in denial….
…. then your FoA (that they’ll find someone else) may be realistic. Consider this minor issue as a signal that something deeper is wrong – that they may not safe or suitable for you, at all! You could start looking around – yourself.
Remember: “I know what I know”!

NEXT: Form A. (Part 2) Another example

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