being visible 

without being in danger

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Visibility (#2)

ARTICLES: “Psychological Visibility
and “Psychological Visibility as a Source of Value in Friendship”, by Shailushi Baxi


Part of the confusion about genuine visibility is our distorted definitions & beliefs re. Humility vs. Humiliation, Arrogance vs. Having Rights, & Confrontation vs. Self-Assertiveness.  We often have a mistaken notion that being visible is arrogant, showing off, expressing hubris. NOT SO.

: ACoAs are so trained to not speak up that we think any form of standing up for ourselves is a confrontation. NOT true. If we speak from our Adult Ego State, use ‘I’ statements & don’t attack – we are in the right

Arrogance: having (&/or showing) an exaggerated opinion of one’s own importance, value, ability, arising from an assumption of one’s superiority over others. Also not being able to take correction, criticism or guidance. It stems from insecurity & a need to be validated – often trying to take credit for more than the person really did in order to boost themselves up. It tends to be expressed by being ‘loud’, craving attention online, being pushy with coworkers, or just never letting someone else speak
Having Rights – review “Having Rights” and My Rights

NOTE: Arrogance is only the WIC’s or PP’s exaggeration, narcissism & grandiosity. HOWEVER – When we know our rights and have self-esteem, then acknowledging our assets & beliefs is HEALTHY!


Confrontation (aggressive): to face someone (in person or not) in a threatening way, with argumentative intent, wanting to unsettle them, especially with defiance, abuse or accusations. A hostile clash of opinions,ideas & power
Assertiveness: being confident & direct in claiming one’s rights or putting forward one’s views, in a clear way & without being aggressive.  Having the courage to express one’s own feelings, even about difficult issues, in a way that’s respectful & honest.
It’s based on reality, acknowledging the contribution of others & able to share credit. It’s ‘quiet’, the person remaining confidence even if they’re not the one getting the most attention in a room.
Site: “How to manage conflict & confrontation

Humiliation:  (not including degrading sexual interactions)
MUST involve 2 or more people – one who bullies, intimidates or socially embarrasses, tho not always directly, AND the other as victim, usually not a willing recipient.
— To cause someone a painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity
— Be reduced to a lower position in one’s own eyes &/or others, losing prestige or self-respect
— To degrade, dishonor, disgraced, mortify, shame
Humility / Humble: the quality of being modest, courteously respectful, a modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, rank… Free from vanity, egotism, boastfulness, or great pretensions. Perhaps: retiring, unassuming, unobtrusive. Can be sought alone as a means of de-emphasizing the wounded ego. (More…)

NOTE: Damaging parents & some religions use humiliation to control & make others submissive to their power. HEALTHY people & institutions teach   how to function well, AND encourage or at least allow others to develop their own way of thinking & doing.

IRONY: The more self-esteem we gain the more humble we become – comfortably! It’s what John Bradshaw has called “healthy shame”, which is knowing what our actual human limitations are – without S-H, shame, guilt or toxic beliefs. Then we’re not afraid to make mistakes, or to not know everything & to be imperfect. At the same time we are comfortable owning our God-given attributes, our talents, knowledge & accomplishments. Therefore visibility is not dangerous to our welfare or identity!

NEXT: Being visible #5


2 thoughts on “ACoAs & BEING VISIBLE (Part 4)

  1. Wow. This post is beyond good (IMHO). I don’t even know what to say. I lose words when I feel extreme gratitude.


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