I DEMAND MAGIC!
After all, reality bites, doesn’t it?
PREVIOUS: THEIR Attitudes – #5
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
POINT 1: On the one hand – ACoAs concluded that we can’t be anything, can’t have anything, can’t get anywhere! From years of suffering, a deep part of us gave up early in life: “What’s the use, I should be dead anyway”.
➼ A reminder about Abuse & Abandonment (A/A)
• Coming from THEM: A/A may or may not have been deliberate but was very real – not imagined, & the effects last a lifetime. We didn’t get nurtured, had to raise ourselves, look after siblings & be there for our parents! AND got all sorts of abused – things that no child should ever have to endure!
• For US to deal with: A/A happened on all 4 PMES levels – Physical, Emotional, Mental, Spiritual – NOT just about someone going away, so we have to work on healing each one, from going to the bathroom to our relationship with a H.P.
POINT 2: On the other hand – ACoAs want everything done for us.
Experiencing so much hurt & loss as kids – we want it to be made up to us, one way or another. To compensate, we hang on to the magical thinking of a child, having ‘great expectations’ of life & people, which are not just wishful thinking but a raging need, including the absolute conviction / expectation / assumption – about how of a date, event, relationship, meeting… should turn out – or we’ll die!
• On the surface we say: “I don’t know how, I’m not allowed, it’s too hard …” but the real, real truth – not matter how deeply buried – is that we don’t want to take care of ourselves. If our family didn’t do it for us, then we’re not going to do it for ourselves now! (But we will do it for others). So there! We’ve suffered enough so we’re understandably resentful & petulant. We want ours! This is equally true for the Hero as for the Lost Child.
➼ What ACoAs SHOULD NOT expect….
A. ….of OURSELVES
While having wildly unrealistic expectations (U.E.) of others, we can start by seeing how off our own are:
• being the victim – that because we were abused as children, we don’t have to be responsible for ourselves or forge a life of our own
• our narcissism – that we have the power to always make things go our way, AND that who others are or what they want doesn’t really count – if it gets in the way of our needs!
Most ACoAs, especially Rescuers, would never admit this, at least not out loud
• “fairness” – that if we make enough of an effort (perfect), we’ll definitely & automatically get a payoff!
• instant gratification – when we have to wait for anything – we’re confused. After all, we did our part. And if the wait is too long, we despair, assuming it means NO, never
1. Unrealistic Recovery beliefs:
a. WE WANT to be ‘better’ fast – as in NOW. Some want it to be magic – recovery without having to do the hard work
b. We WANT compensation: if we just work hard enough, we’ll overcome all damage – as if we were never wounded at all! When that never seems to happen or Recovery is soooo slow – we become discouraged & worse – defeated. At that point some of us give up.
• Reality : some damage can heal completely, some things will be a lot less troubling & some things may never go away – we can learn to manage them correctly, with self-compassion!
c. We actually believe that if we get well enough:
– character defects will vanish (I’ll never be angry again / I’ll never date that kind of person again / I’ll never feel that bad again”…..
– we’ll never again be hurt or effected by other people’s insensitivity & abuses, especially from our family – at all, ever again!
✦ However – Health is a combination:
– Some unhealthy things which others do will bother us less, especially if we have a lot less self-hate & much better boundaries
– BUT many abuses or abandonments we were numb to or ignorant of before – will absolutely no longer be acceptable. Bad behavior & bad energy will become so uncomfortable to be around that we won’t tolerate it
NEXT: Unrealistic Expectations – OVER (Part 2