I’M LATE, I’M LATE !
The Red Queen’s going to have my head!
PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Time (Part 2)
ARTICLE: Time TIPS w/ links
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
4. ON TIME?
a. Compulsively early – fear of punishment, of being left behind (abandonment), of missing out, of not being the ‘good’ one, WANTING to be special, noticed, to brown-nose, extra attention, showing off…
b. Always Late
There are legitimate reasons for lateness – once in a while, but this is about a compulsive pattern, not always conscious, as the result of some or all of these:
• general rage at having to be responsible, make decisions, show up
• passive aggressive – “I don’t wanna”, but not allowed to admit it
• rushing from crisis to crisis, mine or someone else’s
• get a secret kick out of making people wait for me – gives me a (false) sense of power to make up for never feeling important
• lack of clear identity: not knowing what ‘outfit’ to put on – who am I supposed to be in this situation / who do they expect me to be….
• co-dependence – saying yes to something I don’t want to do, but now you have to; people-pleasing – doing too much for others, staying on a phone call too long, worrying about others’ problems….
• depressed, don’t want to leave the ‘safety’ of my house
• perfectionist, or obsessive compulsive – have to do everything or finish something before leaving the house
• can’t find important things at home because of disorder, clutter, not paying attention, not ‘filing’ things…. so often looking for things at the last minute
• don’t plan ahead, over-book, not able to prioritize, be in IC mode (see Part 1, #2.a.)
• regularly stay up too late & can’t get going in the morning
• high anxiety from intense shame – afraid to ‘be seen’
• don’t want to deal with a particular person or event (breaking up, a stressful family event, a business meeting)
• social phobia, based in intense self-hate & weak boundaries: “don’t know what to DO when I get there, afraid to talk to people, no one will like me, I don’t fit, not smart or accomplished enough”….
…. AND ALWAYS compulsively worrying, anxiously looking at your watch as you run to the next thing on your list.
• makes others frustrated & mad at us
• we stay anxious, scared, uptight, addicted to adrenaline
• don’t get many of our own needs met, always behind on tasks
• can’t relax & enjoy people, places, things
• maintain self-hate (feel like a f—up), never feel empowered
• mess up or miss out on personal, social or biz opportunities
• stay immature, keeping us at the mercy of & vulnerable to – others
To change our ‘acting out’ around time, we need to build both aspects of the ‘UNIT’ – the Healthy Adult who stays in touch with reality and the Loving Parent to deal with the WIC’s need for nurturing & guidance, SO we can:
• hear the beliefs, excused & justifications in our head & counter them
• stay awake for the consequences of our patterns – how does it feel? How do others react? What price do we have to pay?
• change our behavior. Eventually healthy actions will become more integrated & natural. We will feel better & others will have respect for us as well.
Unfortunately, WE —
— don’t have much control over how long it takes to become willing to change a particular pattern. Some resistance melt father than others. We just need to keep the goal of Wellness in our mind’s eye
— only have limited control over how fast or slow recovery takes – until WE feel our progress, altho others often do see it sooner
• These depend on many factors, including how strong our resistance to change is, & how consistently we’re willing to use the tools of growth (reading, journaling, therapy, 12-step meetings, sponsorship, meditation, workshops, body work, dream interpretation, talking & writing with the IC every day!….)
➼ The more often we regularly use these tools, the deeper our healing will go. Patience & Perseverance!
NEXT: Variations of ACoA ‘Laundry List’