PREVIOUS: INTUITION – 2a
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
INTUITION can be gathered from:
• years of life experience • wide variety of reading
• emotional sensitivity • an observant mind
• trusting “I know what I know” – based on:
✓ having a clear identity of ones own ✓ clear, strong links to the IC & our H.P.
✓ no longer believing the Negative Introject
✓ strong boundaries, so we don’t confuse ourselves with another person, while still being part of the human community
Some SOURCES that feed Intuition:
• knowing someone well (friends, lovers, parents…) & observing their recurring patterns. When we ignore this we get involved with their dysfunctional schemes, plans, drama…. and suffer for it!
• listening carefully to language and logic patterns, we can recognize where a thought or conversation will wind up & we can be prepared (like when we say:“don’t go there!” because we know it won’t end well)
• carefully observing patters of human behavior over the years, for a general sense of what to expect from people
• paying attention to what people tell us about themselves, especially the negative! so we’re not shocked the next time their damage shows up – in our face!
• having repeated life experiences with a specific category of people or situations, where the outcome has been consistently the same (with narcissists, active addicts, ragers, depressives…OR if we’re wise, with sane well-balanced people). Their style is predictable, whether healthy or unhealthy, so we can trust our intuition about them.
✶ Because ACoAs are trained to negate our perceptions, we do need to pay special attention and evaluate what people say, after every encounter. What did they reveal? and how do we feel after being with them?
People tell us about themselves all the time, but ACoAs are notorious for glossing over toxic things we don’t want to face in someone we want to or have to be around (lover, boss, parent…), so we get caught in a tangle of mutual damage. Even so, our intuition tells us something’s wrong & ignoring what we feel about certain people – is harmful denial.
➼ If we practice this awareness and acceptance (from the 3 As), then even when we meet someone for the first time – if we actively acknowledge what we’re hearing – we can tell what they’re like. Once we recognize their type, we can decide quite soon if it’s safe to stay OR get away from them! We don’t have to suffer as much if we just stay awake!
EXP: Before doing any ACoA & FoO work, Brenda spent a lot of time in singles bars, listening to men talk about themselves (& getting picked up). Most were alcoholics & narcissists. Brenda was being victimized by the toxic characteristics of these men – selfish, insensitive, unavailable, often married, arrogant or self-deprecating…. but was learning valuable info from listening to their ‘lines’ & the pain of being used & dumped. After a couple years of dating quite a few of them, she could catch the pattern within 15 to 20 minutes of conversation with any new ‘contender’.
— When she would say: “No…. we’re not compatible”, the men would usually respond: “How can you tell, you haven’t given me / us a chance!” By this time, even without Recovery, Brenda had recognized the type very quickly. She might feel a little twinge of guilt or doubt, but she could stick to her decision because she knew!
• Respect yourself and others • Feel hopeful • Value love • Feel inspired
• Believe in the power to make your dreams come true • Believe you are a natural winner
• Learn life’s lessons with ease • Trust your intuition • Edit self-limiting beliefs
• Believe in yourself & your capacity to achieve great things • Feel confident in yourself
• Find unconditional self-love • Learn to rise above limitations • Focus on the possible
• Have good health & abundant energy • Know & listen to your own inner voice
• Walk through life with dignity & grace, easily manifesting your joy
3. ASK, ASK, ASK!
➼ At the same time, we can NOT possibly know what others think or feel
We’re not meant to be all-knowing, perfect, infallible! No matter how smart or experienced, there are things we simply cannot know about others – unless they tell us! – especially people we’re not deeply acquainted with. SO ask question – even when we think we know what’s going on. We may be surprised by the answers!
EXP: Barbara had handed her business card to the leader of a workshop at the break. Later that day he made a disparaging remark about the kind of people she worked with. Barbara was hurt & angry. She felt the comment was aimed at her & her profession. She thought of all the possible meanings & reasons for his put-down – & fumed!
• At the end of the event she asked to speak to him. “Why did you say that ——– are such troublemakers?” He thought for a moment, then said “Last time I did this seminar there were a whole group of them & they were constantly disruptive & argumentative. They ruined the event!” Barbara thanked him & as she turned away, started to laugh. His original comment had never been about her at all, AND, even tho’ she was intelligent & intuitive, she could not have possibly guessed his answer! She was glad she’d checked it out.
• It is arrogant to think we always know exactly why someone is thinking or feeling a certain way. Stay out of their head! To do otherwise is to be boundary invasive and presumptuous. This does not win friends & influence people. It’s NOT appropriate to tell others :
✓ what’s wrong with them ✓ what they mean
✓ how they’re feeling ✓ what they should be doing – etc.
• To be truly respectful of others we need to listen carefully, and ask – “What did you mean when you said—?”, “Why did you do that?”, “What do you need / want / feel?”, “What would you like from me?” etc.
➼ The answers may be unexpected, & we can always learn something. It will also make us a better parent, friend, mate, employee… and make us much better liked – even by people who already love us!
NEXT: Grandiosity & “Normal”