Negative INTROJECT (Part 3)


bad voice 2 

SHUT UP IN THERE!
I don’t know how to get rid of you

PREVIOUS: Introject, Bad Voice (Part 1)
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

EGO STATES
All kids absorb their environment, which forms a large part of the way they turn out as adults. The totality of a Healthy Self would include the Natural Child as our essence, & a relatively un-wounded Adapted Child, composed of the positive values, mores & beliefs of its specific society. Eventually well-adjusted people also form a Healthy Adult & Loving Patent ‘UNIT learned from a family with self-esteem, generosity, competence, humor, social ease & love.

However, OUR:
• ADULT may or may not be functional – some of us put all our energy into being ‘competent’ while others barely get by, waiting for someone else to come along & be the Good Parent for us.
PP (the ‘IT’) holds all of the dysfunctional family’s accumulated minuses, along with some plusses, & secretly runs our life

Adapted Child holds all of our damage, from trying to mold ourselves into the beiCHILD e.s.ng we thought would finally get our parents’ approval & acceptance – but never did, OR only for things we did that suited them.
EXP: If you liked & were good at sports AND they (only) approved of you for that, you’d put all your energy into being the best at sports – not just to express yourself, but to wring a drop of acceptance from them. Anything else, like needs & emotions, were sacrificed.

• Natural Child is mostly hidden, yet peeps out in spite of the PP
EXP: being good in school, winning awards, love of music, reading, sports, being quiet vs, being boisterous…. AND even our choice of additions reflect our natural personality. Why do some people choose sex additions over a food addiction, pot over alcohol, addictive relationships rather than chemicals….?

What ALL ACoAs are MISSING:
• The Loving Parent, because we didn’t have any role models for that, OR if we did have one person in our childhood that treated us better than others, it couldn’t make up for the avalanche of bad parenting from everyone else.

PRISONERS of the Negative Introject (NI)
Until we do FoO work, too much of our persona is the result of the negative way our family trained us. Unfortunately, this False Self is what we consider our identity. We say “I’m just born that way” , “It’s my personality…” when talking about our character defects. We don’t see that this is our S-H, since we aren’t allowed to acknowledge our inherent gifts & talents.

• Without S & I, (separation PP's prisoner& individuation) we are symbiotic with the bad voice, constantly giving in, placating & obeying it, without knowing that is what we’re doing. After all, “Does a fish know it’s wet?”
As kids we were afraid of them – of displeasing them, of their temper & craziness, of being punished (usually unfairly & over the top).
• And we’re still afraid of them, if they’re alive, OR if they’re only in the form of our Introject. Even if our parents / caretakers have already passed away – it does not diminish the power of their imprinting.

IRONY:
As adults, in spite of our rage & frustration at their unavailability & abusiveness, we’re afraid to let go of the NI we carry around in our head & heart. Altho the voice is always torturing us, the WIC is so used to the connection it doesn’t know any other way to ‘get taken care of’. This holds true until we take on the responsibility of parenting ourselves. When asked to stay away from (not obey) her real-life bad parents, one woman’s Child cried: “What will I do without them??”

This desperate attachment is based on:
— our longing for them, & not wanting to give up the illusion that someday they’ll come thru for us
— not having a solid identity of our own. As long as our S-H is strong we will continue to perfectionistbelieve no one else will want us, so better to stay “with the devil we know”.
Since we think we can’t leave our NI or get rid of it, we spend a lot of our energy trying blot it out, while at the same time making inhuman efforts to get the NI to love us, to stop hurting us, to see reason, to understand… BY trying to be/do what the bad voice is telling us to do/be. All of which is impossible, as it will never be satisfied & nothing it says is about us anyway!

NEXT: Negative Introject (Part 4)

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6 thoughts on “Negative INTROJECT (Part 3)

  1. Thank you so much for writing this and making it available. This is all really helpful. It’s so difficult to navigate blind. Even though I’m in therapy, most of my growth comes from reading what others have written, like here, so I’m very grateful.

    • Someone: Thank you for letting me know. I’m glad it’s helping.
      Fortunately there’s a lot more info available now. Do you go toAl-Anon?
      Read John Bradshaw, Alice Miller, Pia Melody….. & do the 2-handed writing with Lucia Cappachione’s workbook? And my website has a book list (www.acoarecovery.com).

      • I don’t go to Al-Anon but come from a very dysfunctional family, reading your blog as an adult child of dysfunctional families. Do you think I should I still consider Al-Anon? I’ve found Pia Mellody really helpful (codependence and love addiction books) and have also recently found the Internal Family Systems model. I’ll look into Lucia Cappachione’s workbook, thanks!

      • Someone — Yes, Al-Anon works great for learning how to be a healthy adult. It’s for anyone having worked for, dated, been a friend to…. an addict or other kind of dysfunctional person – as well as family narcissists.

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