I HAVE THE POWER, ALREADY –
to defend my WIC from the NI / PP!
PREVIOUS : Introject – Bad Voice (Part 2)
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
To HEAL & GROW – the TWO major goals are :
1. Develop a strong, clear voice of our own, that we can follow – to be comfortable & even successful, in all parts of our life
2. FORM a brand new POSITIVE INTROJECT, which can be developed from several external sources. The purpose is to ‘take in’ the new way of seeing ourselves, so we can emotionally self-sustaining, rather than being endlessly dependent on others to feel OK.
We can disconnect from the Negative Introject (NI) by developing our own identity (S & I), which we can do with help:
• get external acknowledgement & then continue internal validation of what we went thru as kids, & what many of us still ‘choose’ to put up in the present, so that the PP can’t fool us any more
• use that validation to be in touch with our pain, rage & sorrow at the original abuse, so we’re not wasting energy in denial
• continually work at diminishing our self-hate
• believe in our right to have needs, opinions & dreams
• thoroughly ‘get’ that it’s abusive & therefore harmful to us
• actively practice disobedience of & disbelief in the NI!
• learn what our own healthy, intuitive, inborn voice is saying, listening to and acting on that instead of to the PP
• clearly identify what the PP is telling us & then counter it
• gradually separate our Inner Child’s dependency on the bad voice &
transfer it’s loyalty to our developing Healthy Inner Parent/ Adult self, by always be the Good Parent to our Inner Child
• develop strong boundaries in our relationship with others, rather than walls, especially with anyone who treats us like our family
• have the courage to SAY NO to unhealthy & unsuitable people
Then we can have Compassion for the NI / PP, WITHOUT OBEYING IT, because we won’t need it anymore. We’ll have (be) our own Good Parent.
Distancing from the NI
• We can tell the NI to drop dead, leave us the **** alone, shut up in there!….OR
• We can try to sooth the bad voice by validating it’s pain / fear… and telling it we understand its pain, that it will not be harmed by anything positive we’re doing for ourselves, BUT without agreeing with it
• Or, don’t respond at all – ignore it. Talk to the WIC instead, soothing & comforting him / her. The better your connection with the kid, the less power the PP will have.
The PP/NI will try to fight for its life, but if we consistently take good care of ourselves, eventually it will get quieter & fade, even if it’s still there in the far background.
✓ IF WE – tried to protect one parent from the other, because the victim parent was too weak to stand up for themselves; OR if one parents left, or died
❇ Then we became the replacement punching bag, or spouse-substitute, or tried protecting the weaker parent or sibling by magical thinking…
• So we are still attached to that role & reproduce in current relationships
❇ NOW we need to give our parents back to each other. It was THEIR relationship, their marriage, their loss… SAY: “Dad/Mom, You’re not my mate. I give you back to him/her to deal with. I have my own life to live & it was never my job.”
– OR –
✓ IF WE – took on a depressed parent’s suicidal feelings (even if they never acted on them directly)
❇ Then we became suicidal, from love and a child’s magical belief that we could then keep them alive…
• So we do self-destructive things, or find other physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually dangerous people or situations to hurt us
❇ NOW we need to give him / her back the responsibility for their own life, so we don’t have to act on their wish to escape. We don’t have to kill ourselves.
In RECOVERY – we need to gradually shed all the damage picked up from our family members which we still carry, out of love & loyalty to them, but which is NOT OUR baggage. Once we can identify what’s our & what’s theirs, we can say daily mantras to let go, & do visualizations to shed that burden. PACK UP what’s theirs. Then mentally go up to each person & return it – lay the box or bag at their feet AND walk away!
To develop a POSITIVE INTROJECT, all the sources need to be emotionally healthy – validating, supportive, positive, intelligent, spiritual & patient. They can be:
• a loving family member, if there is one
• any appropriate 12-step Program, rehab, workshops…
• a knowledgeable psychotherapist, & perhaps group therapy
• helpful books & literature (psychological & spiritual)
• our Higher Power, spiritual or religious teachers/ leaders, if suitable
• successful well-known people, as role models & inspiration
• craneo-sacral & other knowledgeable body workers, nutritionist…
• good friends, a supportive mate, caring adult children, AND pets
• business partners, clients, acquaintances – who value your abilities /etc.
It’s appropriate & healthy for us to TAKE IN all positive feedback from outside sources (if it’s accurate & realistic), to counter the negative voice AND as an internal support system we can carry with us, in any circumstance. This is a form of healthy mirroring.
Make the effort to not let your WIC get overwhelmed by how much there is to sort out in Recovery. Like with any new skill – it takes knowledge, guidance, time & practice. We need to identify what characteristics & beliefs are ‘their’ & what’s ours. When we identify overlaps that are acceptable to our True Self, we can own those qualities – without the accompanying toxic elements – & so without fear or judgment.
NEXT: Notice re. book version of blog