YOU MEAN PROCESS WORKS?
Yes. And it’s not a dirty word!
PREVIOUS: Process – ACoA version
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
BOOK: PASSAGES, by Gail Sheehy
2. HEALTHY PROCESS
a. AWARENESS (Aw) – mainly ‘head’
i. What: It’s usually about information, based in reality
• something about ourselves, our past, the people we do/did interact with – those ‘AHA‘ moments that makes sense of something confusing or distressing
• it can be the end result of years of study & self-examination or by making an intuitive leap
• can also be about buried emotions which surface, sometimes unexpectedly, as a shock or as a result of conscious recovery work
• a moment of ‘Spiritual Awakening’ – which lights up our inner world
ii. How: Aw. can come from:
• books, TV, movies, songs, websites, blogs
• therapy, 12-step programs, ministers, other healers
• talking to family, friends – even strangers
• meditation, journaling, drawing, Inner Child Writing, -etc.
iii. Who – is mainly from the Healthy ADULT ego state, which is observing & learning from everything in the present, accumulating & putting pieces of info together – in our own unique way
• It is not info coming from fear, self-hate, shame, guilt... So, NOT from the bad parent or the wounded child ego states
• it takes a certain amount of Recovery to realize just how damaged we really are! – as denial diminishes
• self-esteem is not arrogance, selfishness or ‘ego’
• that we don’t deserve abuse — for anything!
• active addicts made poor parents, friends, mates, bosses
• that following the toxic family rules is soul murder
• that perfectionism is an expression of our self-hate
• our identity cannot, must not, depend on having everyone like us
• some people will not like the changed that come from our growth
• we can’t convince others of our point of view IF agreeing with us would cost them their sense of personal equilibrium (unhealthy)
• no matter how hard we try to improve ourselves, some people will never be comfortable with us
b. ACCEPTANCE (Acc) – mainly about Feelings & Process
This topic is covered extensively in post: ’Acceptance & ACoAs’
i. What: Acc takes time – we need to thaw out (lessen the need for rigid defenses) enough to allow old accumulated emotions to surface. All that pain, still hidden from us in the unconscious, powers the engine of our self-hate & lack of clear identity
• Al-Anon’s 3 Cs “I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it’
• Acc is the opposite of ACoA (WIC)/ alcoholic grandiosity, which makes us think we have impossible powers, over everything, all the time
• it’s the essence of the Serenity Prayer
• taking responsibility for our own lives, while thoroughly acknowledging what happened to us as kids
ii. How – by:
• understanding what it is & isn’t (see post)
• having a loving, safe and smart support system
• persevering, no matter how long it takes
• learning to consistently be there for our IC
• a conscious effort to deal with reality, as much as we can
• connecting with an H.P. of our understanding, to heal us
iii. Who – mainly from the Inner Child.
• Psychically, we have a huge ‘trans-atlantic’ multi-stranded steel cable, with one end attached to our gut & the other to our family (dead or alive). This takes time, effort & repetition
• In recovery we have to snip away at each strand that feeds us their damage, & yes, keep any that are safe, healthy & useful.
vi. About – See ‘Acceptance‘
• we are damaged, NOT defective. Damage can be healed.
• what self-hate tells us is always a LIE
• S-H is a defense against feeling the original abandonment pain
• all emotions are legitimate info about our experiences
• normal = human = imperfect = OK / acceptable
NEXT : Healthy Process – “Actions” (Part 2)